Second Thoughts and Last Chances
By
Latikia
Edited by
The Old Fart
Copyright © 2007,
2008
Chapter 7
I went upstairs,
showered and changed clothes then went back down to the kitchen and retrieved
the vials of blood in their little lunch box cooler. I took the cooler and my coat, got into my
car and drove to
As soon as I got
into my office I picked up the phone and began dialing.
“FBI, Coburn.” the
light tenor voice announced.
“Number one, this is
Doctor Blacktower…do you recognize my voice?”
“Yes sir, of
course. What can I do for you sir?”
“I’m sending you a
package by bonded carrier. When you get
it I want it taken to the lab and a full…I repeat…a full analysis done on the contents.
Anything and everything that can be done, do it. If your lab can’t do certain tests, send it
to the CDC in
“No sir, I
understand. I’ll take care of it.”
“Thank you.”
I was clicking thru
the computerized personnel files, having finally located the stripped down
personnel file I was looking for, when my inter-office line rang.
“Yes Eric?”
“Doctor, I have a
man on line seven demanding to speak with you.
He refuses to identify himself.
All he’ll say is that he’s a friend of your sister. Shall I put him thru?”
I sat back in my
chair and cursed silently. This was what
I’d been afraid would happen.
“Put him thru.”
“Should I start a
trace?”
“No, don’t
bother. He won’t be on the line long
enough. Just put him thru.”
I heard a series of
clicks, buzzes and humming sounds followed by a sterile silence.
“Good morning
Doctor. My name is…”
“Carlos Alejandro
Negron. What do you want Mr. Chorney?”
The absence of
background noise at the other end allowed me to hear the faintly muffled snarl
that escaped from his lips when I announced his name.
“Still quick and
perceptive as ever I see.”
“Don’t tell me
you’re still pissed about my breaking your cover back in ’91 Alex. I thought you were supposed to be a
professional.”
“Bravo, Doctor. Not only my name, but my face as well.”
“Worse than that
Alex…I had you in my sights yesterday.
You have no idea how close you came to dying. The next time I see your face I will kill
you.”
“Must you resort to
empty threats?”
“Did you watch me
interview the serial killer that day Alex?
Did I strike you as someone given to making empty threats?”
“Hmmm…I see what you
mean. Well then, I suppose I’d best keep
my distance. In the meantime…I have some
items you might be interested in; video and photographic items of a rather personal nature that might
be…detrimental…to your sister’s long term career plans.”
“How much?” I asked
wearily.
“One life.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. In exchange for the film, pictures and
negatives, I want a life.”
“Who?”
“Lucifer.”
I was missing
something. Unless of course he was stark
raving mad.
“You’ll have to
explain that.”
“Lucifer is the nom de guerre of the most active and
vicious computer hacker in the country, possibly the world. For reasons that do not and should not
concern you, I want this man erased. So
the deal is simple. You eliminate Lucifer
for me; I give you the compromising film, photos and negatives of your sister.”
I closed my eyes and
thought quickly.
“Where do I find
this ‘Lucifer’?”
“If I knew that I
wouldn’t need you.”
Ah-ha!
“What guarantee do I
have that you’ll keep your end of the bargain?”
“None at all. Look at it this way Doctor; I have no
personal reason or desire to injure your sister…in fact I rather like her. But that having been said; I will not
hesitate to destroy the woman if you refuse my request.”
“Uh-huh…what kind of
proof do you want that this ‘Lucifer’ has been eliminated?”
“You’ve been
researching me, obviously. I’ve done my
homework on you as well. All I require
from you is your promise. I’ll know if
you’ve kept your word and Lucifer has been removed from the scene. I’ll also know if you lie to me.”
“How much time do I
have?”
“I’ll give you until
the end of February. Of course the
sooner it’s done the better for all
of us.”
“Very well. You have my word. I’ll eliminate ‘Lucifer’.”
“Thank you
Doctor. A pleasure doing business with
you.”
There were another
series of electronic garbage sounds and then absolute silence on the line. I set the phone down and stared at it for a
few seconds then shifted my gaze to my computer monitor.
I copied the files
on the monitor, encrypted them and inserted them into an e-mail addressed to
one person at the FBI and another at the NSA and sent it out. I then got on the phone and started dialing.
“Brewer.”
“Good afternoon
number four, this is Doctor Blacktower; do you recognize my voice?”
“Of course Doctor,
what can I do for you?”
“Check your
e-mail. You’ll find one from me with an
encrypted file attached. I want a
complete background search done on this individual. Everything there is to know as deeply as you
can get, and all the way back to his grandparents.”
“I’ll get right on
it Doctor.”
“Number four…in this
case, fast is nice, but thorough is better.”
“Understood sir.”
“Thank you.”
I hung up and dialed
a different number.
“Records, Posey
here.” The scratchy voice declared, not bothering to hide her irritation with
the interruption.
“Hello Megan. Ike Blacktower, do you remember me?”
“Oh, hey Doc! Haven’t heard from you in quite a while;
how’ve you been?”
“I won’t lie to you
Megan; it’s been a lousy couple of days.
But you might be able to brighten things up for me.”
“If I can do
anything to help, just say the word, you know that.”
“You’re an
angel. I’ve sent you an e-mail with an
encrypted attachment. I’d like all the information
the NSA has on this man. He’s an ex-CIA
field operative, used to run several strings of agents in
“That’s no
problem. I’ll send you whatever we have
on the guy.”
“Thanks doll. There is one other thing, which might turn out to be a problem. If it is
a problem, I’d like to know how big and why.
I need everything you guys have on a hacker that goes by the name of
‘Lucifer’.”
I heard Megan’s
fingers flying across her keyboard as she searched the NSA files.
“Holy batshit!” she rasped.
“Megan?”
“Doc, it looks like
we, the NSA I mean, have been trying to locate this character for a couple of
years now, without success. Apparently
Lucifer is really, really good. He’s hacked
the FBI, the Pentagon and the DOD databases as well as several of the D.C.
area’s most influential law firms. He’s
even made a couple of tries at getting to us.
We aren’t interested in prosecuting him anymore. The Director wants to recruit him!”
“But they don’t know
who he is or where he’s operating out of, right?”
“Not really. According to what it says here, the best
guess is that he’s somewhere in the general vicinity of San Francisco.”
“Can you get me a
copy of those files without getting anyone pissed off at you?”
“Sure thing
Doc. The Director said that we should
give you anything you asked for.”
“I wish my own
Director were as helpful as you folks.
Sure would make my job a lot easier.”
“Anytime, tall pale
and beautiful.” she rasped suggestively.
Megan was one of those women who had ‘offered’, and whose offer I had
briefly considered. If you judged by her
voice alone you might think she was some kind of cubicle troll. And you’d have been terribly mistaken. Megan was very pretty; tall, shapely, dark
haired, with an engaging smile, bright cat-like eyes, a brilliant mind, easy to
talk to and, for some odd reason, she found me attractive.
“My father warned me
about girls like you. He said you were
only after one thing.”
She chuckled with
amusement. “He was mostly right.”
“Well, don’t let
your boyfriends find out. The last thing
I need right now is a pack of enraged, testosterone-driven young wolves howling
after me.”
Her laughter was
low, controlled and inviting. “I swear
you’ve kissed the Blarney Stone. And
from what I’ve heard thru the beltway grapevine, any pack of wolves that came
looking for you would end up with their pelts hanging on your office wall.”
“If only that were
true. Megan, I’m afraid I have to be
going. There’s a sub-committee
presentation I have to finish before I can leave tonight. If you don’t mind, I’ll drop by tomorrow
afternoon and pick up those files on Lucifer.”
“Come on over
anytime Doctor. You’re always welcome.”
I spent the next
several hours going over my proposed budget for the second half of the year,
which was an irritating waste of time since I already knew it wasn’t going to
be approved. Congress had been busy
during the 90’s slashing the Intelligence Community to the bone. They figured that with all the advances in
technology we didn’t need all the people in the field that we’d had during the
Cold War. And I suppose they also
figured that since the USSR had collapsed there was no longer a need to hunt
for moles in the CIA. In the years since
I’d made my debut in front of the combined House and Senate sub-committees I’d
watched the department’s budget grow smaller and smaller as the politicians
used the only stick they had to try and influence us and our work. They couldn’t shut the department down; it
had been created by a Presidential Order, but they could and did use money as a
constant threat and goad. We’d gone from
having thirty five people on staff in 1991 to a paltry eight in 1998. I had a sinking feeling that after the
upcoming meeting I was going to have to eliminate half of that number.
The longer I looked
at the numbers the angrier I got. I
reached out and, with a single finger tip, deleted the file. Fuck them and their socialist ideology. If they didn’t want me doing this job, maybe
it was time to dump the whole mess in their
laps and step away. Maybe it was time to
show them what they were up against, let them in on the game and see how they’d
like playing it alone. I smiled coldly
and began pulling up different columns of numbers.
I stopped the car and
turned off the ignition. The clock on
the radio read 9:31 PM. I opened the
door and climbed out, shutting the door gently behind me. Most of the lights in the house were off, but
the porch light was on. I unlocked the
front door and went in, shutting the door and hanging my coat on the tree. I wandered into the kitchen, made myself a
cup of instant coffee and went looking thru the refrigerator for something to
eat. I ended up settling for half a
chicken. Taking the chicken and coffee,
I sat down at the kitchen table, turned off the overhead light and ate and
stared out at the darkness beyond the window.
“I’ve made a deal
with the devil.” I muttered.
‘You aren’t the first, you won’t be the
last.’
“I can’t trust him
to keep his word.”
‘Nope.’
“Then I shouldn’t
have any problems with not keeping mine, right?”
‘He’s not you. You should know by now that you can’t rely on
other people to think about anything the way that you do. But you still have to live with yourself, no
matter what. If you break your word, can
you live with yourself?’
“I have no
idea. I’ve never done it before.”
‘You don’t have to lie. He left you wiggle room, so wiggle.’
“Is that what I’m
reduced to, semantic hair-splitting?”
‘Don’t be so fuckin’
anal!’
“Fine. Long as I’ve got you here, I have one more
question.”
‘Ask away.
After all, that’s what I’m here for…to be your personal fuckin’ Dear Abby.’
“Should I let them
off the hook?”
‘Hell no!’
“Everyone makes
mistakes. They have to have the chance
to make it right, if they want to.”
‘Look, I know you can’t help being soft
hearted, but do you have to be soft headed as well? If you let them off now, what’s to keep them
from doing it to you again? They have to
suffer at least a little bit or they’ll never understand and accept that
negative behavior has negative consequences.
I’m not suggesting that you beat the shit out of them…in your sister’s
case that might actually work against you…but if you don’t take a stand and
insist on punishment of some sort, they’ll never respect you. It’s long past time you became the dominant
member of this relationship. Someone has
to be, and look what letting them dominate has gotten you.’
“I don’t have a
dominating type personality. I don’t
know if I could pull it off for long.”
‘Don’t kid yourself, Sparky. You scare the shit out of damn near everyone
who’s ever come in contact with you, and that’s without trying. The only reason you won’t be yourself with
these women is because of what happened with your sister. Let me give you one piece of advice…get rid
of that memory she’s carrying from when she was twelve. It’s her biggest problem and she’s just not
capable of moving past it on her own.
Burn it out and do it soon. As
for the rest; what is the one thing your little family has in common? You!
The women are there because of you.
The kids are there because of you.
You are the hub. They’re planets
to your sun. Without you they’re just
stray pieces floating around with nowhere to go. Stop thinking of yourself as nothing more
than a sperm donor. Demand the respect
you’re entitled to…or else.’
“Or else…?”
‘You walk away and start over somewhere
else. You’re still young and there are
plenty of women who find you interesting and attractive, in spite of your less appealing
qualities. Time to let these three know
that they no longer hold the leash. Did
you ever consider that one of the reasons why they wandered off was because
they knew you’d be waiting to let them back in?
Safety nets tend to get ignored and taken for granted. It’s time to take away the net and let them
think about what’ll happen if they hit the ground.’
Much as I hated to,
I had to agree with him…me. I’d been a
doormat in my own home for far too long.
I’d been trying to be fair to everyone…everyone but myself. It was past time I received a little justice.
I finished up the
chicken, dumped the remains of its carcass in the trash and washed my hands in
the sink. I put the plate and my coffee
cup in the dishwasher and walked out, thru the dining room into the hall, up
the stairs and opened the door to my bedroom.
I glanced down the hall. No light
shone out from under any of the other doors.
I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. Flipping on the light by the door I was only
slightly surprised to see Lilly and Peggy in my bed.
I stood there
briefly watching them then shrugged and started removing my suit. I hung the jacket on one hanger, removed my
shirt and tie, hung the tie over the hanger bar and tossed the shirt onto the
floor of the closet. Stripping out of
the pants I emptied the pockets onto the dresser top and put them on a separate
hanger.
I turned back to the
bed and its two occupants.
“I’m not in the mood
for company tonight.” I told them.
“Ike, please…” Lilly
began.
“Have the three of
you made your decision yet?”
“Izzy’s been asleep
most of the day. There hasn’t been
time.” Peggy explained.
“Then go back to
your own beds and let me get some sleep.
I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”
“Why are you being
like this?” Peggy cried.
I looked down at
her. “That is, without a doubt, the
dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say.
You’re a smart woman Peggy. You
know damn well why I’m being like this.”
“You’re not being
fair. We’re sorry for what we did and we
want to make it up to you, whatever it takes.” Lilly said.
“I’m not being fair? I think I’ve been more than fair. If I were being absolutely fair, I sure as
hell wouldn’t be here right now…I’d
be in bed with the first woman who’d agree to take me home with her. But I haven’t done that, have I? No, I came home. And I’ve already told you that I know you’re sorry. I’ve felt how sorry you are. I get it. You want to make it up to me? I’ve told you what I expect you to do. So do it, and then we’ll talk. Until that
happens I would appreciate it if you’d stay out of my bed. If you aren’t willing to agree to my
conditions, I guess I’ll just have to find somewhere else to spend my nights.”
I went to the dresser
and took out a pair of jeans and a long sleeved sweat shirt and started pulling
them on. I had just buttoned up the
jeans when I heard the bedsprings creak and sheets being thrown back. I watched out of the corner of my eye as a
mismatched set of adorable bare butts scurried past, flung open the door and
dashed out of my room into the darkness of the hall. I stepped over and closed the door, turned
off the light, removed my pants and climbed into bed, pulling the blanket and
sheets up under my arms.
‘Neatly done.
There may be hope for you after all.’
I was fast asleep in
a matter of minutes.
I woke up alone in my bed for only the second time in close to eight years. It’s hard to describe the sensation, but I think it might be similar in some respects to losing an arm or leg. You can see it’s not there, but the rest of your body is telling you it damn well is…or that it should be.
I sat up slowly, propped a couple of pillows behind my back and head and leaned back against the headboard.
Sleeping alone hadn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, it was nowhere near as nice as having three warm naked women snuggled up against me; but I somehow managed to get to sleep. So now what?
I put my hands behind my head, laced my fingers together and stared off into space for a bit, trying to decide what my next step should be, when I heard the bedroom door creak slightly.
Very slowly the door opened wider and wider, and I saw four little faces poking their way in, trying to get a look.
“Is he still asleep?” Tink chirped in her version of a whisper. None of them, at this point in their lives, would have made good burglars.
“I’m awake guys. Come on in.”
The door was flung wide and they came rushing in, climbed up the sides of the mattress using the blankets and sheets like rope and started crawling around and over me like a bunch of hyper-active bugs.
“Okay, okay…everybody settle down. Now…what can I do for my four favorite short people?”
“I’m not short!” Belle pouted prettily.
Actually, she wasn’t short; not for her age. The girls were going to be seven years old on Valentine’s Day, and Belle was getting very close to five feet tall. Rosie was only three or four inches shorter, but poor little Tink was just barely over four feet tall. AJ was almost a year and a half younger than his sisters, but he was almost exactly the same size as Tink. I knew he didn’t like being shorter than they were, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. Fortunately, his sisters treated him much nicer than my big sister had ever been to me when I was his age.
“You’re shorter than me, so that makes you short.” I countered with a grin.
“Everyone is shorter than you, Daddy! You’re a giant!” Rosie laughed.
“Not everyone. There are lots of people taller than I am. Almost all the basketball players on TV are taller than me.”
“Like Shaq?” AJ asked.
“Just like Shaq. But you have to remember, he’s really tall. Only a handful of people in the whole world ever get to be as tall as that.”
“Does that mean he’s special, like Mommy says you are?” Tink wanted to know.
“He’s special, but not in the way your mommy is talking about.”
“Are we special?”
“That’s a tough question honey. Special is a funny kind of word. It means different things to different people, depending on how you use it. It usually means ‘extra-ordinary’ or ‘unique’. Do you know what ‘unique’ means?”
They scrunched up their faces in thought, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing, but I could tell they were serious about this whole thing, so I fought to keep a straight face.
Tink’s face lit up suddenly and the cutest smile flashed across her lips. “One of a kind!” she crowed.
Well…damn!!
Slowly, a stupid smile spread across my own lips, and I ended up grinning like a damn fool at my tiny little daughter.
“Correct. How did you get so smart Tink?”
She flashed me a megawatt smile, missing front teeth not withstanding. “Mommy says I’m smart ‘cause you are.”
“Our mom says that too.” Rosie told me, and AJ bobbed his head solemnly in agreement.
I couldn’t help myself any longer and bust out laughing.
“Look, guys…yes, I’m smart, but don’t sell your mothers short. All three of them are very smart ladies; in many ways even smarter than me. But just like being tall, there are lots of people in the world who are smarter. A few are so smart we can’t even tell how smart they are. I’m not one of those. Those people are special.”
“How are we special?” AJ demanded.
“You four are special to your moms and to me. You’re also very special to your Granddad. See, you’re special to us because we love you so much. Especially Rose and AJ’s mom. Before you guys were born, she had two other babies, a little boy and girl, but they were born sick and died. More than anything in the world, Lilly wanted to be a mommy. I think that might be the only thing she’s ever wanted to be. When her first babies died she was so sad and unhappy…it still makes my heart hurt when I remember how sad she was back then. But when Rosie and AJ were born…well, you never saw a happier, prouder, more loving and protective mom. She wouldn’t let you out of her arms, either one of you, for hours after you were born. I had to make her give you guys back to the nurses so she could get some sleep. That’s how special.”
“Why are you special Daddy?” Tink asked again.
“Probably because I’m so pale. Have you ever seen anyone as white as me?” I asked them.
“NO!” they all laughed and giggled.
“Well, there are a few, but not many. And there’s something else I can do that almost no one else can.”
“What’s that Daddy?” Belle asked.
“I can tell what each of you is feeling, right this very minute.”
“Uh-uuhh. No way!”
I narrowed my eyes and frowned, glaring down at them. I linked with my children for the first time in over a year.
“Tink and Rosie have to go to the bathroom; AJ is really, really hungry and Belle…Belle is sad. Oh, baby…”
I picked her up and held her to my chest, like I used to do when she was a tiny baby.
“Tink, Rosie…go use the bathroom before you wet yourselves; then take your brother downstairs and get some breakfast.”
“Okay Daddy. Don’t be sad Belle.” Tink said, standing up and patting her sister gently on the back. The three of them slid off the bed and, hand in hand, hurried out into the hall.
I sat holding my daughter in my arms, smoothing her hair and rocking from side to side.
“Mommy doesn’t love me as much as Aunt Lilly loves Rosie and AJ” she cried, pressing her forlorn features against my chest.
“Belle, your mommy loves you more than she loves anyone else in the whole world. That’s as much as a person can love.”
“More than she loves you?”
“Yes…more than she loves me. Sweetheart, I don’t know if you’re old enough to understand this, but there are different kinds of love. You love ice cream, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And you love your dolls. But you love your sisters and brother too, right?”
“Uh-huh…but that’s different!”
“Yes it is. But it’s still love. Love is a funny thing…it makes us feel really good inside, when we know that other people love us…but it hurts something awful if we think that the people we love don’t love us back. That’s why you feel so sad, isn’t it?”
She nodded, rubbing her cheek and nose against me, smearing her tears across my skin.
“Belle, when it comes to love, all you can do…all anyone can do…is to love as much as we possibly can. It’s not like sharing your toys with Tink, or splitting your ice cream with AJ, or letting Rosie wear your clothes. When you love someone, when you really truly love them, you love them with all your heart and soul, all the time. Love should never be a contest to see who gets or gives the most. If you start thinking it is, it’s not love anymore.”
“I love you Daddy.”
“I know you do, sweetie…I can feel it. Would you like to feel how much I love you?”
“Yes please.” she cried.
Very carefully, slowly and with as much careful control as I had ever used in my life, I isolated the love I was feeling for my little girl and let it flow down the link between us…and flow and flow and flow.
The tears on her face dried up and her sad little frown erupted into the kind of joyful smile that I just knew would one day make me a seriously paranoid father.
“It’s warm!” she said happily. “And tingly!”
I smiled, leaned down and kissed the tip of her nose. “What you feel right now is just the beginning. There’s no end to the love I have for you Belle. Enough to fill you and your sisters, your brother, your Mom and your Aunts a billion times over. Even if you do something wrong and I get mad…I’ll still love you. And because I love you, I’ll always give you as much love as there is in me.”
“You are special.” she grinned, and hugged me tight.
“Maybe just a little.” I whispered, hugging her back. “Feel better now?” I asked, after a few minutes.
“Yeah.”
“Good.” I picked her up in my hands, swung her out over the edge of the bed and set her on her feet. “Someone else around here has to go to the bathroom and I can feel your tummy growling. Why don’t you go find your sisters and brother before they eat all the cereal?”
“Okay Daddy.” she smiled and went charging out the door as if shot from a cannon.
I swung my legs over the side and sat there for a moment, thinking about how miserable I was going to be in a few short years, when my little girls stopped thinking I was the most wonderful man who ever lived. I got to my feet abruptly and headed into the bathroom. Behind me I heard a faint whisper followed by a trio of girlish giggles. I shook my head slightly and shrugged in resignation.
Living in a house filled with females was going to be the death of me.
After using the toilet, taking a quick shower and getting dressed, I went downstairs to the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee. Lilly, Peggy and the children were sitting around the kitchen table having breakfast. I could sense a strong feeling of tension emanating from both women.
Lilly and Peggy glowered at me briefly as I leaned against the counter and sipped the harsh black brew from my favorite mug. I gave them a smile in return.
“Daddy? Will my pee-pee get as big as yours when I grow up?” AJ asked suddenly.
I had just taken another swallow of coffee when he sprung his question on me. I made a valiant effort, but couldn’t control the choking reflex and hot coffee came spraying out of my nose and mouth.
His sisters were giggling like crazy. Even Peggy and Lilly burst out laughing, breaking the pall that had been hovering unnoticed, by everyone but me, over the pair.
I put my mug down on the counter, picked up the dishrag that hung on the oven door and wiped my mouth.
“Well, Daddy?” Lilly smirked. “Will it?”
I dropped the dishrag on the counter next to my mug and turned towards the table.
“AJ, it’ll get to be as big as it needs to be. It’ll never be as big as you, or certain other people, might wish, but it’ll be big enough.”
My son smiled up at me. “Okay.” Then he returned to shoveling cereal into his mouth.
Lilly smiled, for an instant, and nodded approvingly. Peggy just looked sad.
I heard the kitchen door open behind me, and Peggy’s eyes went wide with surprise. All activity at the table stopped as their six sets of eyes swiveled to look.
I turned around and saw my sister standing in the doorway, looking as though she were on the way to her execution. She stood unmoving, uncertain and terrified.
I have to confess, my emotions when I saw her were mixed. I was glad to see that she was up and moving around, and pleased that there didn’t appear to be any lingering after-effects from my earlier attentions. At the same time, however, I could feel resentment and anger begin moving to the front of my awareness.
I walked over and put my arms around her.
“Feeling better?” I asked gently.
She lost it. Right there and then, she broke down and wept. Sagging against me, her face pressed to my chest, tears and sobs erupted in a torrent.
I held her up and let her cry herself out, broadcasting forgiveness and compassion in soothing waves.
Once the deluge dwindled down to a mere dribble I released my hold and turned her around towards the table. Belle jumped up and ran to her mother, throwing her arms around Isabeau’s waist.
“I love you Mommy.” I could hear the muffled words, ever so faintly.
Relief and regret fought for space on my sister’s face as she drew her daughter close, and the water works started up again.
“I’m so sorry baby…so sorry…” she choked out between gasping sobs.
They held one another for a long couple of minutes, crying out their mutual anguish. Then Tink and Rosie got up and joined them in a cluster. Isabeau sank to her knees, pulling each girl to her for hugs and kisses.
“We love you too, Aunt Izzy.” Rosie told her.
“Don’t be sad,” Tink said, rubbing my sister’s arm and patting her back, “we’re not mad anymore.”
“Thank you, girls.” Isabeau said, her voice ragged and raspy. “Thank you.”
I looked up from the scene taking place at my feet and glanced over to where my son sat. He locked eyes with me, his face a mix of turbulent emotions.
‘Please?’ I mouthed silently.
His eyes never left mine and I sensed the struggle taking place in him.
Someday, my beamish boy,
you’ll need and want forgiving too.
He nodded his head ever so slightly, climbed down off his chair and walked slowly, with more dignity and self-assurance than any five year old had a right to possess, up to where his sisters stood holding and petting my sister. They must have heard him approach, because the three of them pulled back and stood off to one side, and watched Isabeau on her knees facing little AJ who was just out of arms reach. He took two steps forward, shrugged off her attempt to hug him and simply stood looking at her forlorn features.
“You made my sister’s feel really bad.” he said coldly. “You made Belle think you didn’t love her anymore.” My eyebrows lifted in surprise. How had he known that? Had Belle told him? I had only just figured it out…it didn’t seem likely she could have, or would have, shared that with him yet.
“You made me feel bad.” he said harshly, and I saw Isabeau flinch as his words hit home. “You made Daddy feel so bad he was gonna leave us!”
He reached out with his small right hand and pressed it against his Aunt’s cheek, his thumb brushed a falling tear aside as he caressed her lightly.
“But Daddy came back, ‘cause he loves us. He says we should forgive you and tell you we love you anyway, ‘cause you hurting us was a ass-a-dent. You didn’t mean to make us feel bad.”
“I didn’t, AJ, honest I didn’t. I never wanted to hurt you or your sisters…never.” Isabeau plead, trying to convince my five year old son of her sincerity.
He stood looking into her eyes, caressing her cheek with his little hand, radiating power and control. How the hell had that happened? My little boy was dominating a confrontation with his thirty five year old Aunt. His sisters were staring at him with undisguised awe, admiration and affection. Lilly and Peggy, when I glanced in their direction, had their mouths hanging open in amazement.
AJ leaned forward and Isabeau bent down so that their noses were nearly touching, his hand still stroking her cheek.
“I love you, Aunt Izzy, and I forgive you.” He brought his left hand up and held my sister’s face between his two small hands. “Don’t make the same mistake again.” he warned her, stood up on his toes and kissed her forehead.
“I promise.” she whispered.
Dropping back down onto his heels, he reached out and took her hand in his and tugged with all his strength.
“Okay…want some cereal?” As quick as that he changed from stern faced task-master to happy little boy; wanting nothing more than to have breakfast with his Aunt.
But as Isabeau got to her feet and followed after him, our eyes met and I caught just a brief glimpse of flickering flames lurking behind his gray pupils. He nodded at me and smiled. I nodded in return.
I stood leaning against the counter and finished drinking my lukewarm coffee. At the same time I closely watched the inter-play between the children and my sister. Near as I could determine, all their previous animosity towards her was gone. When they forgave, they really forgave.
What I wouldn’t have given to be that young again; to have an outlook and world view that would allow me to forgive and forget as easily as they did.
But I wasn’t them.
I could forgive…but I wasn’t going to be able to forget. And I was done hiding the reality of my life from myself. So where did that leave me?
Trying to catch a waterfall in cupped hands, that’s where.
I dumped the remainder of the coffee into the sink, rinsed the mug with a splash of water from the faucet then put it in the dishwasher.
I walked over and stood behind Belle’s chair, dropping to one knee and whispered in her ear.
“I’m very proud of you. All of you. Now remember, lots of hugs and kisses. Don’t let Mommy get sad, right?”
My little girl turned and kissed me on the cheek.
“We won’t, Daddy.”
“That’s my girl.” I said proudly and gave her a quick peck in return.
I stood up, caught Lilly’s eye and motioned for her to follow me, and walked out into the dining room.
As the door closed behind us I began speaking softly so that no one else could hear me.
“Isabeau stays home today. I don’t care what you have to do, or how you do it, but keep her here. I’ll explain why when I get back. She doesn’t make any phone calls; she doesn’t get any phone calls.”
I turned and locked eyes with her. “This is serious Lilly. Deadly serious. No matter what you or Peggy may think, I’m doing this to keep you all safe.”
“Where will you be, if we need you?” she asked, reluctantly I thought.
“I’m going to the Clinic; I’ll most likely be there all morning. In the afternoon I’ll be at the NSA picking up some files. I should be back in plenty of time for dinner. Like always; if there’s an emergency call the office and they’ll put you thru to me.”
I began to turn away, when I felt her hand on my arm.
“Ike, did you talk the girls into doing that?”
I stopped and glanced down at her. “We had a little talk yesterday and I did mention that Isabeau was going to need their forgiveness and their love. I don’t think I talked them into anything though. They’re smart, sensitive, loving little girls. They didn’t need me to push them.”
“And AJ?”
I sighed. “AJ wasn’t nearly as willing to forgive. Him I had to ask.” I smiled, remembering how easily he’d held Isabeau in the palms of his hands. “I had no idea he was going to do what he did. I had no idea he could.”
“He’s just like his Dad.”
I looked down into Lilly’s hopeful face. “In more ways than you think.” I gave her arm a little squeeze and walked away.