Second That Emotion

Second Thoughts and Last Chances

Latikia

Edited by

The Old Fart

Chapter 14

My second or third greatest work related failure occurred in May of 1994 when I was forbidden by an Act of Congress from ever setting foot within the State Department. This happened almost immediately after my first and only tour of our major European embassies. This was followed quickly, in congressional terms, three months later by a second Act designed to keep me away from the Justice Department. I guess they figured by then that I was already so deep into the FBI that it was pointless to include them.

When Dr. Wills was informed of their actions he laughed so hard I was worried he might hurt himself. He said it was the funniest and most absurd thing he’d ever heard. David Jones said it didn’t really matter, since I’d already proven I could link using live video.

I didn’t take it quite as well.

They hadn’t forbidden the CIA or the Department of Internal Security…they’d banned me personally…by name! Goddamned congressional restraining orders is what they were.

To the best of my knowledge I’m the only American citizen, as well as the only civil servant, in history to have been so honored. Some honor.

My relationship with Congress and its various sub-committees on Intelligence related matters was never much good after that. Not that it’d been all that great to start with.

The Pentagon allowed me in, but never left me unescorted. Not ever. I don’t think they trusted me to see things from a military point of view now that I was a civilian and one of the enemy. Considering the adversarial nature of the relationship between the two organizations over the past fifty-odd years I suppose it was understandable. Sad, but understandable.

The only thing I never quite understood was why they hadn’t refused me access to the NSA. Maybe the honorable members didn’t have any friends working there. Or perhaps they were more afraid of the NSA than they were of me.

Three days after I’d taken Izzy to work with me I was back in my office, alone and staring at my computer screen with a scowl on my face. I’d been inundated with files, forms, memos and notes of just about every conceivable type on the subject of Carlos/Alex. I found it interesting that so many different sections and so many different and seemingly unrelated people had hung on to their documents. It made me wonder what else might be lying around that no one was paying attention to. Armies may travel on their stomachs, but governments…apparently they survived on a diet of paperwork.

For a guy who’d left the Agency four years earlier, and despite the efforts of Deputy Director Quinlan, there was still one hell of a paper trail remaining. Of course, making sense of it all was another thing.

Fortunately I had a plan.

Unfortunately my plan relied rather heavily on the skills and abilities of someone I hadn’t even met.

I copied all the files, which I encrypted, onto a Compact Disc and a high density Zip cassette, both of which went into my briefcase, and then started the long tedious process of erasing every single one from my hard drive.

As the computer went about its business my phone rang.

“Yes Eric?”

“Doctor, there’s an agent Roger Coburn from the FBI here to see you. He says you’re expecting him.”

Coburn…Number One.

“Send him in Eric.”

“Yes sir.”

I turned off my computer screen, letting the eraser program run in the dark, and pushed my chair back from the desk.

The main door opened and Number One stepped into my office for the first time.

I hadn’t seen the man in person since the night I visited the FBI building for the first time. I’d been there several times since, but always made every effort to avoid face to face contact with my moles. They wouldn’t be much good to me if there were even a hint of suspicion.

Coburn was a big man, an inch or so taller than me, roughly the same weight and build, with short sandy blond hair and friendly brown eyes. The only things that kept him from looking like a good natured Nebraska farm boy was a two inch long puckered scar that ran from the corner of his right eye down over his cheek bone, and the fact that he was about forty five years old.

He looked a little older than I remembered, and a little heavier around the waist, but that was to be expected. It had been eight years after all.

Coburn’s eyes widened slightly and one foot caught on the rug, causing him to stumble slightly. He regained his balance quickly, never losing his grip on the handle of the briefcase in his left hand, and shut the door behind him before approaching my desk.

“Good afternoon Doctor Blacktower.” he said in the light tenor I was familiar with from our phone conversations.

“Welcome to the CIA, Number One. Have a seat.” I suggested, indicating one of the two matching leather chairs.

“Thank you sir.” He sat down and put the briefcase on his lap. I noticed for the first time that there was a short chain attached to the handle that led to a handcuff attached to his wrist. He reached into his right side jacket pocket and retrieved a small key, which he then used to release the cuff on his wrist. Turning the briefcase around he quickly dialed the twin combination locks and opened the case. Coburn reached inside and came out with a red bordered file, stood up part way and placed the file on my desk.

“As you requested, the test results from our lab as well as the CDC. When I saw our lab’s preliminary report I decided to take a sample myself to the CDC for verification. I think you’ll understand when you read the reports.”

I picked up the file, linked with the man before me and read them both.

No change in the ring I’d put in him all those years before. Not that I expected otherwise, but it never hurt to be sure. I found it comforting to know that what I made stayed made.

The reports in the file were not in the least bit comforting, but in their own way they were oddly reassuring.

‘Flunitrazepam (generically known as Rohypnol), cocaine, grain alcohol…’

I looked up from the file to find Coburn looking at me. He appeared puzzled.

“Something wrong Number One?” I asked him.

“No sir…not wrong. It’s just…your hair is longer and you don’t have the beard anymore, but apart from that you haven’t changed at all from the last time I saw you.”

I smiled slightly. “Good genes I guess.”

I flipped thru the pages of both reports, both of which were nearly identical.

Rohypnol. I knew the name. I’d come across it before in the course of my work at the clinic. A legitimate sleeping pill in many other countries, it was illegal in this one, often used as a so-called date rape drug. Most common side-effect…amnesia.

I felt the heat begin to build behind my eyes. I crushed the anger that was growing in me, shoving it back into the dark recesses of my body for another time.

I took a long, deep breath and set the file down.

“Thank you for taking care of this for me, Number One.”

“My pleasure, sir. If there’s anything else I can do…” the look on his face was pathetically eager.

“About this, no. I’ll deal with it in my own way.”

The man shuddered and blinked rapidly.

“Of course. I understand completely.”

“Do you?”

“Yes sir. Some years back I worked a couple of kidnapping cases where Rohypnol was used. I’ve seen what it can do. It doesn’t take much to do serious long term damage. Or to kill.”

I nodded and returned my attention to the file. The man did understand. It shouldn’t have mattered to me, one way or the other, but it did. A little.

According to the reports, the accumulated drug levels in Izzy’s blood should have killed her four or five times over. Why didn’t it?

Something else to think about, but that was for another time. Right then it was an effort to think of anything more than the various creative ways I was going to use to destroy Carlos Negron. The bastard was going to suffer like no human in the history of the world ever had. I’d see to that.

I closed the folder and set it aside.

“There is something else you can do for me though. Officially.”

“Name it sir.”

“Get with Jason McMurphy and tell him I want Harold Roberts picked up and held, along with everything McMurphy’s got on him. Computers, phone records, surveillance photos, wire taps…the works. The two of you keep him incognito and out of sight. No one, apart from the three of us, is to know about this. Once he’s secured, contact me and I’ll let you know when and where to deliver him.”

“Black bag?” he asked, curious what I was up to.

“Midnight black. Mr. Roberts and I are going to deliver a little presentation to Congress in a few days. I wouldn’t want him to turn rabbit and miss his stage debut, which is why I want you and McMurphy to sit on him.”

Coburn grinned happily. “No problem Doctor.” He snapped the briefcase shut and re-attached the cuff to his left wrist. “Good afternoon.” he said, getting to his feet.

I stood up with him and extended my arm. His face registered complete surprise as he reached out hesitantly and gripped my hand.

“Good job, Number One. Thank you.”

He looked like a schoolboy who’d just gotten an ‘A’ on his final exam. I almost felt guilty for what I’d done to the man.

Almost.

Apart from going over hundreds of files on Alex Chorney, and deciding exactly how I was going to handle my congressional confrontation, I spent quite a bit of time thinking about the problem of locating the mysterious and mythical ‘Lucifer’.

The NSA thought he was most likely on the west coast, in the general vicinity of San Francisco. I didn’t have any better ideas on where to start, so that was as good a place as any.

I didn’t know a damn thing about hackers, and only slightly more about computers in general. So I had to do a lot of research on both subjects, so I’d have some idea what I was up against.

A hacker, I discovered, is person who tries to gain unauthorized access to a computer or to data stored on a computer. After that the definition got a bit murky.

White hat versus black hat. White hats were thought of as simple explorers. Essentially curious and non-destructive. Black hats, on the other hand, were the conquistadores and privateers of the computer world. Invade, rape, pillage and plunder then make off with their ill-gotten gains.

And then there were the different hacker flavors; phone phreaks, programmers, data travelers, electro-wizards, networkers, hardware freaks, techno-anarchists, communications junkies, cyberpunks, stupid users, UNIX gurus, whizz kids, warez dudes and assorted varieties of system managers.

I discovered a legion of famous, or infamous, hackers whose names were essentially unknown to the public, but legendary among their kindred spirits: The Chaos Computer Club, Cult of the Dead Cow, Markus Hess, Datastream Cowboy, Prophet, Kevin Mitnick, Gold and Schifreen, Legion of Doom and Master of Destruction who’d fought the so-called "Hacker Wars", Phobia Optik, Scorpion, Acid Phreak, Corrupt, Torquemada, VegHead, Kevin Crow, Neon Bunny, Terminus, BillSf, Uridium, Kevin Poulsen, Codex, Zap, otaku, MarkDZ, Brian Oblivion, Professor Falken and Maelstrom. And of course the highly sought after but oh-so hard to find Lucifer.

I learned about password crackers and recovery tools, packet sniffers, security scanners, credit card and calling card number generators, encryption software (the only thing I knew even a little about), steganography (embedding data within another file type), war dialers, blue boxing programs, password grabbers and key loggers.

Some of it was interesting enough I suppose, but for the most part it bored the hell out of me. Numbers are just not my thing, not in any shape, form or fashion.

And none of it gave me the slightest bit of insight into the whereabouts of ‘Lucifer’. Well, almost none. I did find an article about something called DefCon, an annual hacker conference usually held in Las Vegas during the summer. I made a mental note to call Megan Posey. Maybe she could come up with attendance lists or sign in sheets. Somehow I doubted that the NSA head-hunters would have missed something as obvious as that, but it never paid to assume too much.

I sat back in my chair, rubbed my weary eyes and then stared at my blank computer screen.

If I were the most dangerous hacker in the world, where would I hide?

In plain sight.

Obviously. But what would a hacker think of as plain sight?

Don’t think dangerous, that’s Alex’s label. Think smart, clever, and resourceful.

Okay then, what would a smart, clever and resourceful hacker think was plain sight?

What do hackers do?

Break into computerized systems.

When I was a little boy, computers were things that only scientists and the government used. They were the only ones who could afford them. But things had changed radically during my teens. Apple, Atari, Commodore, and IBM had become household names and middle-class America had taken the idea of the Personal Computer to its collective heart. There were guys I knew during my time in the Army, young guys mostly, who’d bought inexpensive PCs and gotten involved with things like Q-link and bulletin board systems, early forerunners of the Internet and World Wide Web. It had never interested me, but I’d heard of them. You couldn’t work in CID and not have heard about them. One of my earliest bosses had often spoken at length about what a chore it was going to be trying to secure something that was everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Secure. Security…Computer or Network Security.

What better place for a hacker, for the best hacker, than as a computer security expert? He’d have continuous access to the latest in hardware and software and free run of powerful systems to practice on. And as an added bonus, he’d be paid well for doing it.

So I was looking for someone who either worked for…hold on…why worked for? Why not the owner? It wouldn’t be a huge company, no…small, but well known in the right circles. Hell, it was possible it might be a company in name only.

In the vicinity of San Francisco.

The Silicon Valley? Sure, why not? Lots of high-tech companies had blossomed there during the 80s and early 90s. Microsquish was up in Seattle, but that was software. I supposed it was possible my hacker worked as a software programmer, but I didn’t really think that was the case. He might be a decent programmer, but I was betting more on the networking aspects of computer security.

Okay, so I had someplace to look…but it was a big place. I’d narrowed the parameters down a bit, but it was all guesswork so far. I needed to verify my guesses and narrow my search a lot more.

Verify how?

Where do hackers learn to be hackers?

Hacker school?

Very funny. But not unreasonable.

I was going to have to interview. That wouldn’t be hard to do. Being in the CIA would open a few doors…but the west coast? A much different mindset from the one I was familiar with in D.C.

You ain’t just a whistlin’ Dixie. You’re talking about the center of bleeding heart liberal, fuck the establishment-land. They’ll like your look, but they won’t say shit once they see the badge.

No, probably not. Still, I only needed to get in the door. After that…they’d tell me what I wanted to know.

Okay, so it looked like I was going on a tour of the colleges and universities of California. Lilly would probably love it. Neither of us had ever been to the west coast before, so that was an added bonus. If I worked it right it could be a second honeymoon.

Except we’d never had a first one. Any of us. Izzy and Peggy would have a cow.

Thinking along those lines led me into uncharted territory for the first time in my married life. I started analyzing my relationship; something I’d never done before, never felt the need to do before.

What the hell were you thinking? What kind of idiot thinks it’s a good idea to marry three women at the same time? What kind of idiot even lives with three women at the same time?

That would be me…I’m that idiot.

No shit, Sherlock. So we’re agreed; you’re an idiot.

If you say so.

I say so, you say so…six of one, half dozen of the other.

Fine, so I’m an idiot. Get on with it already.

Alright, exactly what were you thinking?

I wasn’t. They told me what they wanted to do and I went along with them.

Why?

I love them.

My inner voice went silent for a long time. I leaned the chair back and put my feet up on the corner of the desk.

Answer me this; how do you think of Izzy?

I should have known that was coming. After all, I’d asked her the same about me.

An image of my sister sprang up in my mind, complete in every detail, from her long dark hair all the way down to her delicately shaped feet. Her dark, silky skin, enticing eyes and sensuous smile beckoned to me from my memory and I felt my blood begin to boil.

Uh-huh…and Lilly?

Izzy’s image disappeared in a puff of mental smoke, as Lilly’s figure appeared in her place. Shorter in stature and hair length, but her eyes and smile dazzled me, even in memory. I felt myself falling into her eyes, swimming thru their boundless depths of affection and passion to her core; a heart I’d helped heal and make strong.

Okay…Peggy?

Lilly vanished, replaced in an instant by Peggy’s tiny image. Her pixie-like grin and impish features, so full of life and ceaseless energy…made me feel like a kid again; filled me with hope and eager anticipation for whatever the future might have in store. Not to mention the bright, bubbly, loving personality that I’d damn near created from scratch.

Kinda makes you feel like…oh, I don’t know…a god? How ‘bout now?

Peggy’s image was suddenly flanked on either side by the figures of Izzy and Lilly and my heart started pounding like a jackhammer.

Individually each one went slinking sensuously around the verdant pastures of my mind, capturing my attention, becoming the sole focus of all my feelings. Right up to the point where they came together, when it became impossible for me to think of them as separate people. They were my girls.

I love them, want them, need them; protect, defend…they are my life…they are everything!

How can you feel like that about them as individuals, and then just as strongly as a group?

It was a good question. How could I?

When I was with them individually it was as if they were the only woman in my life. All my focus was on the girl I was with; all my feelings were centered on her and her alone. I didn’t compare her with or to the others, didn’t spend time wishing they were there as well. I just enjoyed being with her.

But when they were together, like when we went to sleep at night, it was as if we were one person, and that was always when I was the happiest and most content.

No, I hadn’t gone looking for the relationship I’d ended up with. But I didn’t turn it down either. I could have…and maybe I should have. But I didn’t, so maybe, deep down that was what I’d wanted all along.

Maybe Izzy had seen things more clearly and had done for me what I was unwilling to do for myself. Maybe she figured she had to act preemptively before I got the chance.

And maybe I’m a duck! Dumb-ass, having all three was never part of your plans.

I didn’t refuse because it never occurred to me. Izzy told me what the three of them had agreed on and I went along with it.

Why?

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. My mind was on other things at the time, like keeping us all alive and free and trying to figure out how to keep things that way.

Why?

I don’t know why…I just did!

WHY?

“Because I fuckin’ wanted to, and that’s all the reason I need, goddamnit!” I snarled at my shoes.

Maybe, just maybe, you’re finally starting to grasp the reality of things.

Sarcastic, smart-assed, know-it-all sonofabitch. I hate talking to myself.

Leaving the lobby that evening was markedly different from my arrival a few days before. Except for the sea of discomforting emotions I had to wade thru it was smooth and uneventful. No one asked me any stupid questions or insisted on running my ID thru scanners. The guards didn’t even delay me long enough to run detector wands over my body. Apparently word had come down from on high to avoid aggravating me at all costs.

I reached that conclusion based on the high levels of terror and trepidation the guards were giving off.

I got home just in time for dinner, and just as snow started falling from the dark cloudy sky.

The table conversation revolved mostly around three subjects that night. Rosie’s drawings, which everyone went out of their way to praise, AJ’s remarkable ability to squirt milk from each nostril in sequence, and Belle’s wanting to take karate.

“Can I please Daddy?” she wheedled sweetly.

How do women learn that tone? Is it genetic and instinctual or do their mothers take them aside when there aren’t any males around and instruct them in the time honored art of manipulation?

I finished chewing my forkful of beef stew and swallowed.

“What does your mom say?” I asked, before taking a sip from my coffee cup.

“She says it’s okay with her, if you say so too. So can I? Please?”

I looked up from my daughter’s face to look into her mother’s eyes. Izzy smiled and nodded back.

“You know that taking karate means you’re going to get hit, right?”

“I know. But I don’t want…” her voice trailed off.

“Don’t want what, honey?”

Belle frowned and her body tensed up ever so slightly. “I don’t want to wait for someone else to protect me.” she said hotly.

Izzy’s face registered shock. I looked around the table. Peggy and Lilly were both flushed with embarrassment. Rosie and AJ just looked curious, but Tink…Tink had the tiniest little smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

I raised my right eyebrow and pursed my lips reflectively.

“Has someone tried to hurt you Belle?”

She snorted. My little girl snorted derisively, disdainfully…contemptuously. Damn if she didn’t sound exactly like her old man, pre-broken nose.

“Ralph Conrad was teasing us on the playground; he pushed Rosie and he pulled Tink’s hair. He’s a third grader.” she explained in a rush.

“Third grader huh? Bigger than you?” I asked.

“Ralph’s as tall as Belle but lots bigger.” Rosie added helpfully, holding her arms out wide.

I nodded. Okay, so Ralph was a big hefty kid who liked picking on little girls. Either that or he had a childish crush on one of them and was resorting to the time honored method most pre-pubescent boys used to let girls know they liked them.

I looked over at AJ, who looked back at me with a serene calm that was like a dash of cold water in my face. Very curious. Defensive and protective with me, but not, for some reason, about this.

“Did you tell a teacher that Ralph was picking on you?” Lilly asked.

Belle nodded her head. “She told him to leave us alone, but as soon as she left he started doing it again.”

“He knocked me down and sat on me.” Tink said.

Peggy flared with anger and outrage, causing Izzy and Lilly to stare at her with wide eyes.

“I knocked him off of Tink and punched him in the mouth.”

I nodded again, holding back a smile of my own.

“Ralph ran away crying.” Rosie told us gleefully. Tink was back to lip twitching and AJ was grinning across the table at his biggest sister.

“I see. Well, you did the right thing, telling the teacher.” I said.

“Belle, fighting doesn’t…” Izzy started, but stopped when I raised my hand, forefinger pointed at her, thumb cocked back like a pistol in a kid’s game of cops and robbers. I brought my thumb forward and mouthed one silent word: “Pow!”

Izzy choked back her words and glared at me.

I got up from the table, pushing my chair back out of the way and got down on both knees.

“Belle, come on over here, would you?”

My daughter slid off her chair and walked around the table to stand in front of me.

“Did Ralph hit you after you hit him?” I asked.

“No, he just ran away.”

I put the tip of my right finger squarely in the center of my chest. “I want you to hit me right here, just as hard as you can.”

“Daddy?” Belle looked confused and scared.

I smiled gently at her. “It’s okay honey. I want to find out something, and show you something too. I promise, I won’t get mad.”

“Ike…” Izzy was imploring with just my name.

“Izzy, it’ll be fine. Go ahead Belle. Right here.” I said, tapping my finger on my chest then lowered my hand.

I’d no sooner dropped my arm when my daughter balled up her fist and lashed out, driving her arm with a rapid shifting of her hips, driving her knuckles right into my chest, precisely on the spot I’d pointed to.

She was fast, smooth and had quite a bit of power…for a seven year old. The kid knew how to punch, no doubt about that. I felt a brief twinge of regret for Ralph.

It hurt. Nowhere near as much as when Anya had pounded on me, but much more than one of Izzy’s playful punches in the arm or ribs.

It hurt more than I thought it should. Sure, Belle was bigger than most girls her age. Actually, she was bigger than most boys her age. Apparently she was pretty strong too. And she knew how to use her body to maximize the impact. Impressive.

I grinned proudly at my daughter. “Nice. Very nice. Okay, one more time. As hard as you can.”

I linked with my little girl. And quick as a snake, she struck again. More confidently and with even more power than the time before. It hurt.

And Belle felt it, because I fed it back to her. I didn’t amplify the feeling, just gave it back to her the way I got it. She grunted softly, clutched her chest with her left hand and staggered back a step or two. Her right hand was still clenched in a fist and raised at shoulder level, ready to strike again.

Izzy, Peggy and Lilly all had a hand pressed between their breasts, distress on their faces.

Belle didn’t cry, didn’t moan or whimper. She didn’t get angry, yell or scream. Her eyelids lowered half way and her lips set themselves in a thin sneer. And that was all the reaction I got.

“You hit pretty good. No wonder Ralph ran away.” I told her with a straight face.

“You did that.” she accused me, rubbing her hand over her chest.

“Yup. If you want to learn to fight, you’re going to get hit. And it’s going to hurt. Now you know what Ralph knows; you hit hard. Still want to learn?”

She nodded, still rubbing her chest.

“Okay. I’ll get you a teacher.”

The sneer left her lips and she beamed at me. Her fist uncurled and she rushed forward, throwing her arms around my ribs.

“Thanks Daddy.”

“Just promise me you won’t go around beating up every boy you meet. We’re not all as dumb as Ralph.”

“I promise.” she assured me.

Rosie, Tink and AJ clapped their hands with delight and cheered their sister’s success in getting what she wanted…either that or her success in punching me twice and not getting in trouble for it.

Then AJ proceeded to demonstrate his milk-squirting prowess for us and things returned to normal.

Later that night, as the girls and I were getting ready for bed, I broke the news about Izzy’s blood test.

“Rohypnol? What’s that?” Lilly inquired, removing her shoes and socks.

“It’s in the same drug family with GHB and ketamine. They’re what are known as Club or date-rape drugs; very popular on college campuses across the country…so I’m told.”

“We use ketamine as an anesthetic for larger animals, and I know that GHB is used on humans in Europe as a general anesthetic. What’s so special about row-whatever?” Peggy asked as she unbuttoned her shirt, giving us all a glimpse of her bra-less cleavage.

“Rohypnol, or ‘roofies’ as it’s sometimes called, is a powerful tranquilizer, similar to valium, but much, much more powerful. It’s inexpensive and can be found almost anywhere there’s a high school or college campus. What makes it so special is that one of the side effects is amnesia; people don’t even remember being given the drug. And mixed with other drugs, like cocaine, and alcohol…well, the high is supposed to be something quite special.”

Izzy sat silently on her side of the bed and said nothing.

I dropped my shirt into the hamper, removed my shoes and put them into the closet before walking over and sitting down next to her.

“There were high levels of cocaine and alcohol in your blood as well Izzy.”

“He drugged me.” she said so softly that I barely heard the words.

I put one arm around her shoulders, taking her hand in mine.

“I liked the man, trusted him…god help me, I hired the man to teach children!” she said, horrified.

That, more than anything else, convinced me. Izzy loves teaching, and she’s always taken her responsibility for those students very seriously.

“Honey, the man’s a professional liar. He’s been trained to gain people’s confidence and trust and to use them for his own ends. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. Nothing. It’s not your fault.” I told her.

“I could have said something about the memory lapses…” she said haltingly.

I nodded. “Yeah, you could have done that, before the coke made you too paranoid. For our part, we could have paid more attention to what was going on with you, and maybe we’d have figured it out sooner. We all screwed up.”

“We put too much faith in ourselves.” Peggy said sadly.

“Maybe we got too involved with cheating on Ike.” Lilly said harshly.

All of us got very quiet and thoughtful all of a sudden.

I took a deep breath and along with the centrally heated air drew in wisps of regret, remorse, despair, depression, anger, guilt, resentment, indignation, shame…three times too much for me to handle comfortably if I’d been linked with them.

I decided right then that enough was enough. I opened the flood gates to my internalized pain and hurt, and the torrent I’d been trying to keep them from feeling for days came rushing out with unrestrained viciousness. I didn’t amplify it or augment it, just let it come out and fill the spaces of my soul.

My eyes burned, hands shook, heart ached, and the hair on my arms and back of my neck stood on end. I ground my teeth tightly and locked the muscles of my jaw, curled my fingers into fists and ground the knuckles of my left hand into my left thigh. I wanted to drive it thru the wall, or blow something up, or suck the life out of a city…I wanted to hurt others as badly as I was hurting…worse…much worse. I settled for abusing my leg.

From the various corners of the room I heard the soft sounds of weeping, harsh jagged crying, combined moaning and sobbing, and a terrible animal wailing right next to me.

I let my emotions run riot for several more minutes and then shut them off abruptly.

I gave the girls a chance to collect themselves before speaking again.

“Never forget who the offended party was. Now you may think you were justified in doing what you did, but there were other options available. You could have talked to me. No matter what you think I’ve said in the past, I’m always willing to listen if anyone has something they want to say. Just be honest and up front with me, that’s all I ask. Now, I told you before that I forgive you. I’ll say it again, for what I hope will be the last time. You’re forgiven. None of us need, or want, to relive my pain, so let’s leave well enough alone, alright?”

Izzy plastered herself against me, leaking hot scalding tears down my chest. Lilly attached herself to my back, crying into my hair, and Peggy came walking around the bed very slowly, naked as the day she was born except for her socks, head down and shoulders shaking.

I unclenched my fist, extended my arm and pulled her up onto the bed next to me. She buried her face beneath my arm and wept.

I let them go at it for a little while, without interfering. After five minutes of doing my duty as a crying towel I began focusing on the little flame that burned hotly at my core. I encouraged it to grow, a little at a time, until it consumed all the negative feelings lurking within me and suffused my entire body. I felt my skin heating up, my blood flowed faster, my heart beat slowed down and my muscles relaxed.

I looked down at the top of Peggy’s head. Her breathing had calmed and she, like the other girls, had finally stopped crying. She snuggled closer against me, which I didn’t think was possible.

“Hey, half-pint.” I said gently.

Peggy turned her head, pressing the side of her tear streaked face against my ribs. She tilted her head back to look up at me.

“How ‘bout a kiss?” I asked.

She nodded her head rapidly, crawled up onto her knees and crushed her lips against mine with a ravenous hunger. Her nipples sprang to attention like little soldiers on parade and the hot spot just below her belly button threatened to leave scald marks on my skin.

With my free hand I ran my fingers thru her short hair, traced the tips down over the back of her neck, down the center of her spine and ended up palming both taught little butt cheeks. Peggy was trying valiantly to suck the tongue out of my head, so I returned the favor by extending my middle finger and flicked her engorged little clit a couple of times.

It was the oddest sort of thing. When Peggy reacted to my diddling, I felt her body’s response, almost like a sort of aftershock or echo…probably somewhere in-between the two extremes, the sensation was palpable, tangible and oh-so vibrant. There were electric bolts running up and down my spine. They were faint and very after-the-fact, but still…damn, what a feeling! And even more bizarre were the ghostly reactions I got from Izzy and Lilly, who’d felt Peggy’s response just as I had. Each woman reacted as if I’d just fingered her.

Peggy jerked spastically, broke our lip-lock and groaned softly against my cheek.

“You nasty boy.” she said happily, after taking a couple of gasping breaths.

“I love you too, squirt.” I gave her bottom a squeeze as she slipped back down to the mattress. “Go wash your face.” I suggested, smiling warmly as she collapsed onto her back, legs slightly spread. She pouted prettily then licked her lips salaciously, slid off the edge of the mattress and wiggled away towards the bathroom.

As Peggy disappeared into the bathroom, I reached over my shoulder and grabbed a handful of Lilly’s hair.

Lilly got off my back and knee-walked around to my left side. She didn’t wait for me to ask. Her left hand went flat against my chest; her right went behind my neck and grabbed a handful of the hair at the base of my head. She pulled my head back, gave me a wicked smile and licked the side of my face from chin to eyebrows. She grabbed my earlobe between her sharp little teeth and nipped, nibbled, sucked and laved it for several seconds before sticking her tongue into my ear.

I ran my hand up and down her back, under her half-unbuttoned blouse, found the clasp of her bra and released it with a quick three finger flick. Never losing contact with her skin, I drew my hand around beneath the side strap, sliding my fingers under the cup until I held her breast in the center of my palm. Lilly sighed softly and drove her upper body forward, rubbing her hard nipple and soft warm flesh against the rougher skin of my hand.

She moved her mouth away from my ear and with light little touches of her lips, kissed her way along the side of my face until our lips met.

I knew what she was doing, and why she was doing it. I marveled at the fact that she was doing it. Lilly was staking her claim, marking her territory and daring anyone else to get too close.

Of the three, Lilly was probably the least aggressive, least demanding and the least confrontational. I know for a fact that Izzy thought she was a meek and mild little housewife-type who could never have made it in the ‘real world’. I also know that Peggy at least half-way agreed with her.

I knew better. I knew what kind of pain tempered steel lay at the heart of Lilly’s soft exterior. I’d been there. She was tougher than all of us, when she had a reason to fight back.

Our lips met; hot, wet, slick, sticky and highly erotic. Her eyes stayed open, locked intently on my own and stared, no glared, at me in open challenge. She dared me to blink or look away. Dared me to pull away or flinch from her.

Then she sank her teeth into my lower lip and drew blood. She never blinked…and neither did I.

Izzy gave out with a slight gasp of pain, and from the bathroom I heard Peggy yelp.

In response to Lilly’s assault, I closed my fingers more firmly around the softness of her breast, tighter and tighter until I could see just the glimmer of a reaction in her glimmering eyes. Then I released my grip and caught her erect nipple between my thumb and forefinger. I began to apply pressure, gently at first, while she continued to gnaw on my lip, increasing both the pressure and pain as the seconds passed.

Izzy groaned, pressing herself harder against my right side. From the bathroom I heard Peggy cry out just before she started hoarsely chuckling. The acoustics in our bathroom are very good. Even I sound almost human, singing in the shower.

Tears welled up in Lilly’s eyes as the pain grew more and more intense. The very instant the first one dropped from her lower eyelid and began rolling down alongside her nose, she released my lip and shoved her tongue deep into my mouth, panting, gasping, licking, sucking, crushing our lips together. She arched her back, which caused her breast to stretch taught, trapped between my vice-like grip on her nipple and the naturally elastic limitations of human skin. The pain she was experiencing was incredible and highly localized. And she refused to cut herself even the tiniest break.

Lilly was out to prove something to me, and I think to herself and the other girls as well.

I released her nipple, reached up and caught a handful of her hair at the back on her head, pulling her mouth away from mine so that I could see all of her face.

I linked with my little flower and leeched her pain away with one quick draw, replacing it with understanding, admiration and acceptance.

She’d never once blinked or taken her eyes from mine.

So I blinked. Once. Very slowly.

“I can be as hard and tough as you.” she told me.

“Yes, I think that’s probably true. But I don’t want you to. It’s bad enough that I am.”

“You’re not alone in this.” she said faintly, another single teardrop rolled down to her chin.

I tried to smile at her the way I adored seeing her smile at me. “I love you Lilly.” I whispered. I don’t think I succeeded, but the effort seemed to please her no end and I got one of the most glorious smiles in return that a man could ever ask for. I’ve no idea how she manages to make each smile so rich and expressive, filled with layers and depths of emotion, each one more impressive and exciting than the last, but that, I suppose, is part of what makes Lilly so very special.

She melted against me as I released my grip on her hair, tears falling in abundance once she no longer had to put up her front.

“I’m so sorry!” she sobbed.

“Shush…I told you, all is forgiven.”

She shook her head violently side to side, but kept her face buried at the base of my neck.

“…love you so much…”

“I know, sweetie, I know.”

Regret and remorse. Things done that we wish we could take back, things not done that we wish we had…is there anything sadder or more human?

Someone once told me that you should live your life so that at the end you could look back, smile and have no regrets.

That’s pop-philosophy and psychology for you in a nutshell. A complete crock of shit!

No regrets? Every choice we make, and we make hundreds of them each and every single day, leaves you with something not done the way you want to or the way you’d like to. It’s not fuckin’ possible to live a life without regrets!

Why the hell doesn’t someone point out these important things early on in life? And they are important. Things like knowing that parents are people not gods; like knowing that death comes for everyone. Like knowing that the longer you live, the more regrets you’re going to have, and that they keep on piling up, higher and higher, the older you get.

Probably because when we’re young we won’t listen…or on the rare occasion we do listen, we don’t believe. After all, what do old people know anyway, right?

My Granddad tried to tell me. Maybe I was too young then to hear what he was saying. But I remembered that he told me, and later on, when life was busy kicking the shit out of me, I rediscovered for myself what he’d tried to spare me from learning the hard way.

Maybe that’s the only way we humans are ever really capable of learning anything…the hard way. Sad, if it’s true.

Lilly stopped crying at long last, and I kissed her gently on the lips and eyelids then sent her off to join Peggy in the bathroom.

As soon as Lilly hopped off the bed, Izzy crawled into my lap and grabbed hold of the sides of my face, pulling me down to meet her lips.

I quickly reached up and placed the tip of my right index finger against her parted lips.

Izzy’s emotions were a jumbled mish-mash mix of urges, the other girls’ echoes and her own hugely conflicted feelings. Most of all, Izzy was feeling threatened. I hadn’t felt anything like that from her since our very first day in D.C., all those years ago.

I dragged my fingertip down over her lips then ducked my head down and gave her a very gentle, soft, chaste kiss.

I pulled back a couple of inches and smiled, just a little.

“I have this theory, about memory, that I’ve been working on. I thought I might write a paper on it for one of the psychology journals some day. My theory is that we, meaning humans in general, don’t actively start remembering until our minds develop to the point where sensory input starts to be logically categorized. I think this would require being able to differentiate between colors, sounds, shapes and textures…as well as the development of a sense of time. The more efficient our individual categorization system is the more and farther back we can remember.”

Izzy frowned, puzzlement on her face and in the feelings I could sense. “I don’t…” she began.

“What’s the first thing you remember Izzy?” I asked, interrupting her.

Her puzzlement and confusion increased.

“I…I’m not sure. Playing in the back yard with Ivan when I was four, I guess.”

“Describe it for me, would you? I’m curious.”

She furrowed her eyebrows even deeper and placed her palm against my chest.

“Do you feel okay?” she asked.

“I’m fine, honey. Please, describe your first memory for me. I really want to know.”

She shrugged her shoulders slightly, giving in.

“I remember it was sunny, and warm. Not hot like summer, just warm. I was sitting on the grass, poking at bugs with a stick. Mom had sent us out to play…I was wearing my favorite brown jumper and Ivan had on shorts and some kind of funny looking, dark patterned short sleeved shirt. He was running around, yelling and picking up clods of dirt and throwing them at the fence…sometimes at me. I sort of remember being unhappy, but I don’t know why.”

I nodded and closed my eyes.

“My first memory has two parts. I remember Mom looking down at me. I’m pretty sure I was lying on her lap with my head up near her knees. She looked so happy and so pretty. There was no gray in her hair, no lines on her face, no pain in her eyes. I remember her smile; sweet, gentle, loving. I remember her picking me up, kissing my cheek and setting me down next to her on the couch. I remember she had one arm around behind me, and her hand on my front, holding me upright. I can distinctly recall feeling very safe and secure.”

I stopped talking for a bit, the images I’d described still fresh and alive in my mind’s eye.

“And the second part?” Izzy asked, puzzlement and concern fading in the wake of her rising curiosity.

“I remember…” I said, almost under my breath, “turning my head to search out some sound I’d heard and coming face to face with an angel. A little girl, maybe six years old; with long dark hair, sad blue eyes, a band-aid on her left knee and the most stunningly beautiful face imaginable. I don’t know why I thought that, because I really was too young to have had any conception of beauty, but I do know that’s what I was thinking…beautiful. So very beautiful. More than anything in the world, even more than feeling safe and secure, I wanted to touch that little girl. I wanted to hold her, and to have her hold me. I wanted to make her smile, take the sadness from her eyes and hear her laugh. It seemed the most natural and obvious thing in the world to me then. She was…graceful, elegant, amusing, intriguing, confusing, confounding, dazzling, daunting…in a six year old kind of way, and looking at her made me feel so marvelously warm inside. I think that was probably when I first decided what beauty was. She was my definition. I also think that was when I learned what love was. Very similar to what I did for Peggy, in a warped kind of way. She was love; what I felt when I looked at her, that was love. And I desperately wanted her to feel that way for me. Desperately.”

I opened my eyes and looked into my sister’s. “It’s really quite frightening you know, how much Belle looks like you did when you were little. Completely scares the bejezzeus out of me sometimes.”

Izzy looked at me, pain in her eyes, shaking her head. “You couldn’t possibly…I mean, there’s no way…”

“It’s funny…I haven’t thought about that memory since I was nine. Completely put it out of my head. Shame really, it’s such a wonderful memory. I had no idea how much I missed it.”

I lifted my hand and lightly combed my fingers thru her thick tresses.

“Nine?” she asked faintly.

“Yeah. That was a pretty bad year for me.”

“That’s when you stopped coming back.”

“Yeah.” I shrugged. “Didn’t do either of us much good though, all things considered.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I’m trying to let you know something about me that I consider important. Something about what makes me…me. The very first thing I ever wanted in the whole world, besides getting fed and being changed, was you. The second was to make you happy. But I’ve failed and for the life of me I don’t know why, and it’s making me miserable. I’m deathly afraid that it means I’m going to fail at every other important endeavor for as long as I live.”

Izzy’s hand left my chest and slithered up along my neck, coming to rest alongside my jaw.

“You kept coming back…long after anyone else would have given up.”

“But I did give up Izzy.”

“Only until I was ready to let you in, and then you were right there, still willing to try.”

“And still failing.”

“No, baby, no…you only fail if you don’t try. No one can ever accuse you of not trying.”

I lowered my head, pressing my forehead against hers. My long white hair spilled over my shoulders, spreading out like a screen around our faces.

“So what if you’re not a god, or a hero? I love you anyway. We all do; as certain unnamed, shameless hussies rather pornographically demonstrated just a little while ago.”

I chuckled softly.

Izzy reached up with a finger and wiped my lower lip. Her fingertip came away coated with a thin sheen of blood.

“I had no idea Lilly could be like that.”

I chuckled again, deeper and farther down in my chest so that it came out as a rumbling sound.

“You weren’t surprised though, were you?”

“Not really, no. Were you aware that Peggy is in love with you?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I love Peggy and Lilly too, there’s nothing new about that.”

“That’s not what I said.”

Izzy frowned and her eyes rolled off to one side, like they tended to do when she was deep in thought. Then they clicked around front and got quite wide.

“In love…with me?”

“Yup.”

Her lovely face was suddenly overcome with a look of helpless despair.

“But…why? I mean…” Her mouth opened and closed quickly, a bit like a goldfish in a bowl, trying to get thoughts to form up and make sounds, but nothing was coming out.

“I will never understand why you have so much trouble accepting that people love you.” I told her.

She stared at me like the top of my head had just opened up and a little man waving a flag had popped out.

“You didn’t say she loved me.” my sister said accusingly.

“No, I surely didn’t.” I replied agreeably. “You still don’t get it, do you?”

“I guess not…”

“Izzy, everyone in the world isn’t out to hurt you. And at the moment I’m talking primarily about those of us in this house. There’s no one here who wants you to hurt, or wants to hurt you. We love you, each and every one of us, and we want to make you happy…if you’ll just give us half a chance.”

“Meaning you, right?”

“No. Meaning all of us. Peggy, Lilly, the children…and me.”

I tossed my head back, snapping my hair away from both our faces. I looked down the length of my nose and peered at my sister’s suspicious features.

“In a way, this could be a blessing. At least for me. I love you with all my heart, but I’m beginning to believe that isn’t gonna be enough. Maybe you need two people to be head over heels in love with you. And we all know how much you like girls.”

Izzy blushed, while at the same time a small tear fell from her right eye, landing with a tiny splash on her cheek.

Once again she leaned forward and tried to put her lips against mine. And once again my index finger got there first, halting her momentum.

“If you love me so damn much, why won’t you let me kiss you?”

I felt my facial muscles relax as a half smile took shape on one side of my mouth.

“Why do you want to kiss me Izzy?”

“Because I feel like it.” she said, as if that explained everything.

“But why do you feel like it?”

Her expression spoke volumes; mostly saying that I must have lost my mind.

“Because I enjoy kissing you Ike. I like the way it makes me feel when we kiss. And it’s a way to show affection and love between two people.”

“But, as good as all those reasons are, not one of them has anything to do with why you want to kiss me right now…do they?”

Her puzzled frown turned into open hostility.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

The half smile on my lips became full blown; I could feel it reaching all the way up to my eyes.

“Izzy, please…no more evasions, no more half-truths and no more lies. We can’t afford them anymore, not a single one of us.”

She blanched and looked as if I’d just slapped her unexpectedly.

“And no, I’m not linked with you. As close as we are right now I don’t have to be, and I couldn’t avoid your emotions even if I wanted to. Remember? You girls wanted me to bind us together, just like Anya and David. If you try, I bet you can tell what I’m feeling too. See, it works both ways. In fact, if you tried, I bet you could tell what Lilly and Peggy are feeling as well.”

“What does any of this have to do with you not wanting to kiss me, or with Peggy being in love with me?”

“Honey, I never said I didn’t want to kiss you. I’d very much like to kiss you. Hell, right now I’d like to throw you down on this bed and spend all night making you moan. But the reason I’m not doing that is because I’d like very much for you to want to because you love and want me, not because you’re feeling threatened.”

The tears began to fall fast and furiously, along with a hail of sniffles.

“I’m losing you, aren’t I?” she moaned pathetically.

“Oh, baby…you can’t lose me. Push me away, throw me away, shove me out the door…those you could do. But you can never, ever, lose me. Don’t I always find my way back?”

She nodded her head weakly as I wrapped both arms around her back and shoulders and drew her close.

“All Peggy did was let me know that she finds me desirable, even if I am just a guy…and even if I’m not you. And Lilly…well Lilly was doing several things at the same time. She was apologizing, letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that she’s in love with me, and letting you and Peggy know that she’s not going to be a passive bystander in this marriage.”

“She bit you!”

I nodded wistfully. “Yeah, she sure did. That’s the most aggressive she’s been in ages.”

“You liked it?”

“Sure I did. Why wouldn’t I? Don’t you like it when I’m aggressive with you?”

Izzy nodded, a blush shot up from the neck of her blouse to decorate her graceful neck.

“You know I do.” she said very softly.

“Yes I do. So what makes you think I wouldn’t appreciate a beautiful woman letting me know that she wants to jump my bones?”

“Women always want to jump your bones.” she said, a faint tinge of jealousy coloring her words.

I finally relented, leaning down and giving Izzy a light, very brief kiss.

“If you say so…but even if it’s true, there are still only three women that I want jumping my bones. Only three whose bones I want to jump. Izzy honey, I know you love me, just like I know that Lilly and Peggy love me. I know that I’m in love with all three of you. But that’s where my knowledge ends. I can’t tell if you’re in love with me. There’s no way, short of mind reading, for me to ever know that.”

“Of course we are!” she insisted, but I got the distinct impression her heart wasn’t in it.

My smile faded away. “But there’s no way for me to know for sure. I’m as much in the dark about it as you three are. If you think about it, and I’ve been doing a lot of that lately, we’re all stuck taking it on faith. And what’s faith, but belief with no concrete foundation in fact or reality? You have to be willing to trust that when I say I’m in love with you I actually mean it.”

“Trust.” Izzy said the word like it was some kind of offensive candy that had left an unpleasant after-taste in her mouth.

“Yeah, trust. By word or deed I have to find a way to convince you that I mean what I say; you have to believe that I’m not trying to fool or trick you.”

“Like I did with Ricky.” she said faintly.

I nodded my agreement. “And like he did with you. Neither of you were ever in love with the other.”

“No. We never were.”

Her head drooped sadly and her shoulders sagged weakly.

“Do you love Lilly?” I asked.

Izzy nodded her head fractionally in response. “Like she was my own sister.”

“Don’t you trust your sister?”

“I trust Lilly with my life. I trust her with Belle’s life.”

“Do you love Peggy?”

Once again she nodded. “Peggy’s like a miniature version of me, but happier and more carefree than I could ever be.”

A quick, wicked smile took shape on my lips. “There’s probably a good reason for that, you know. I got the idea for how to help Peggy from our first sexual encounter. When I first met her she was leeching positive feelings from others, because she didn’t have any of her own. She couldn’t be happy, couldn’t love on her own; she never developed the ability as a child.”

“So you gave her a permanent post-orgasmic afterglow.” Izzy concluded for me.

“Heard the story before, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s one of Peggy’s favorites. She loves to tell me and Lilly about it, and how she woke up naked next to you. She says you were very gallant and respectful.”

“That would be Peggy-speak for my not having had actual intercourse with her.”

Izzy chuckled faintly. “It always impressed me. Lilly too, for that matter.”

“Izzy…there was no way I’d have done that to her in the condition she was in at the time. Half the time I couldn’t be sure who she was.”

“You knew who Lilly was.” she pointed out.

“Yeah, I did. I knew she was in a lot of pain. I also knew she was married. And I was just beginning to come out of my own self-imposed pain exile. Partly because of the attention she was giving me, and partly because I’d gotten to the point where I was ready to go looking for you again.”

“What took you so long?”

“You already know the answer to that. Besides which, my emotional retardation has nothing to do with the problem at hand.”

“What does?”

“Don’t be disingenuous…” I warned her, a coarse hostility invaded my feelings and voice.

“Sorry.”

“The hell you are. You’re desperate, lonely, sad, threatened, jealous and horny as all get-out, but one thing you aren’t is sorry. You still think you were justified in leading Peggy and Lilly away to deceive and cheat on me.”

“We just wanted to get your attention.”

I snorted, sounding very much like Belle had earlier in the evening. “Try again. I didn’t buy that one the first time you used it, and I’m not about to start now.”

Izzy jumped up, fighting her way out of my arms and prepared to storm off.

I reached out, clamped one hand firmly around her upper arm and spun her around to face me.

“You don’t get to run away this time.”

“Why the hell not? You did!” she spat back at me. I snarled wordlessly, dragging her forcibly down and across my knees.

She fought like a wild cat, kicking, flailing, cursing and scratching with all her might. It wasn’t even close to being enough. Izzy is a big strong girl and she’s a lot more vicious and violent than most people suspect. They tend to be taken in by her exotic beauty, intellect and soft spoken manner.

Fortunately for me, I’m much bigger and stronger than my sister. And in a pinch, given the right circumstances, I’m also much more vicious and violent. In fact, given the right motivation, I even enjoy being violent.

I caught her wrists, twisted her arms behind her and locked them at the small of her back with one large hand. With her upper body secured I then proceeded to trap her legs by squeezing them between my thighs, leaving her bent uncomfortably over my right thigh with her butt stuck up in the air invitingly.

I couldn’t resist the invitation. I hauled my left arm back and was just about to bring it thundering down on her ass, when I had a sudden eye-opening burst of insight. A single, solitary, lonely little insight; grim and excruciating, shocking as well as heart-stoppingly chilling in its simple clarity and single minded sense of direction. It knew just where to hit, the precise spot where it would do the most damage. Its aim was true and the mental barb went right thru my heart, which suddenly felt as if it had been hit dead center with a frozen meat cleaver.

The icy chill ran thru the entire length of my body. I slowly lowered my arm, my hand coming to rest gently on Izzy’s bottom. I released my grip on her wrists, letting my palm lay on the small of her back.

I took a deep, wet, sobbing breath, feeling the pain in my heart spreading thru-out my chest like a swarm of killer bees, streaking like lightning up and down my spine.

I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. How could a simple thought physically hurt so much?

Izzy, her hands freed at last, twisted free of my legs, slipped off my lap and landed hard on the floor at my feet.

“Ike? IKE!” I could hear her voice, taste the concern and touch the echo in her of the harsh piercing pain that was spreading in my chest, but I couldn’t see a thing. Everything before my eyes was a fuzzy, gauzy, hopelessly out of focus and glaringly bright white.

Then my ears picked up wet slapping sounds coming from the direction of the bathroom.

“What’s happened?” I heard Peggy demand. She sounded scared and just a little panicky.

“I don’t know,” Izzy said from the floor. “We were arguing…then all of a sudden he just stopped and there was this…pain. Cold and sharp. He just stopped…” she tried to explain.

“You were arguing?” Lilly asked archly, disbelief evident in her tone.

“Yes, we were arguing.” Izzy insisted.

“And…?” Peggy demanded to know.

“Fine, he was getting ready to paddle me, alright? Happy now?!”

“But…but you like it when Ike spanks you.” Peggy pointed out.

“I know that, thank you very much. He…” she snapped, but didn’t get to finish, because the pain I was experiencing chose that moment to swell and became so severe that I had to bite down on my already chewed up lower lip to keep from crying aloud.

The girls weren’t as lucky. All three gasped and cursed, as I slid off the edge of the bed and landed on the floor, knees first with a loud wooden thump.

The jarring impact shot thru my kneecaps, lanced up my thighs and cleared the haze from my eyes. Not the way I’d have chosen to solve the problem, if I’d had a choice, but it worked. I shook my head, blinked hard and fast and looked around for something to focus on.

As my vision returned to normal, I saw Lilly and Peggy standing a few feet away, dripping water all over the floor, hair soaked and skin covered with goose bumps.

I leaned back, put my hands on the mattress and heaved myself upright. I swear I could hear my knees crackling like crumpled wax paper. The ache was impressive, but at least the icy pain in my chest had gone away.

Izzy was still on the floor at my feet, looking like she expected me to completely freak out.

I gave the idea a couple seconds thought and decided not to. Maybe later.

I bent down, holding my right hand out to her. She put her hand in mine and I stood up, hauling her up after me. Once she was on her feet, I let go of her hand, swaying from side to side slightly.

“Sorry about that.” I said, my voice thick and raspy.

“What happened baby?” Lilly asked. I turned my head and gazed down at the two naked women standing next to one another.

I shrugged. “A little chest pain. Nothing to worry about. It’s gone now.” I lied as convincingly as I knew how.

“Are you sure you feel alright?” Peggy wanted to know, the look on her face was tight and disbelieving.

“My knees are sore, but otherwise I’m okay. You guys go ahead and get ready for bed. I could really use a drink.” I said, walking a little stiffly down along the length of the bed, skirting around Lilly and Peggy and heading out the door into the hall, shutting the bedroom door closed behind me.

Several deep knee bends and four fingers of vodka later, I found myself sitting in the study, with no real memory of the steps between going and getting there, trying to think my way out of the emotional mire I found myself caught in.

Love is a strange kind of emotion. On the one hand it’s one of the most amazing natural highs imaginable, definitely on a par with the endorphin/adrenalin rush long distance runners know so well, but on the other hand it’s also one hell of a depressant. In its depressant mode it can take a generally upbeat person and turn them into a Class A suicide risk.

Love is enlightening and misleading, empowering and crippling, magnificent and horrible. No other emotion known to humankind covers the complete spectrum from positive to negative and all the stops in-between.

I remember a line from a song I heard when I was very young that insisted ‘love hurts’. The sad thing is that most of us come to realize the truth of that line fairly young. The truly fortunate develop a kind of resistance…sort of like a love anti-body.

I’m not one of the fortunate few.