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 Obligatory Intro



   Well, I've read a million of these intros and I don't know what to
write. I'm drawing a blank.  I knew what I wanted to say when I was
creating this whole thing and now that the time is here, I can't pull the
trigger.  Ironic that this hesitation and vacuum here mirrors my real life
situation.

   Let me explain a little first.  I'm divorced and have a wonderful
daughter.  I only get her every other weekend which is good and bad at the
same time.  I get to work overtime on weekends, which helps me do more
things for her that I wouldn't normally be able to do.  But it really sucks
in that I don't get to have a normal family, or father/daughter
relationship with her.  I'm an after thought, especially with her mother
and her new step father.  My plans are always a non-issue and I am often
left scrambling around, or just cancelling my plans completely.

   I've been divorced for several years now and my little girl is now a
beautiful teenager.  She still comes over on her weekends with me usually,
but I've learned not to make plans that are too concrete when it comes to
her now.  She has friends she likes to hang out with and more places that
she able able to go to now and I just have to be content to watch her grow
up from a distance.

   She's grown into a beautiful young woman and she was always a sweetheart
and I had a feeling she'd grow into a heart breaker someday.  I just didn't
know I was the one who would be broken hearted.  She found a place in my
heart several years ago when she was younger and more innocent.  I have
myself to blame for that and it kills me to think of what I have done or
allowed her to do more specifically.  I read all these stories of how girls
were molested and abused younger and how their lives were such a mess now
and I find myself hoping I didn't turn my daughter into a future basket
case when she gets older.

   No, I did NOT molest her!  Get that straight right now!  I did not force
her into anything she did not want to do.  In a lot of situations, she
wanted to do it, or she initiated and sort of looked to me after for
forgiveness.  As if I could stay mad at her or even harbor any ill thought
towards her, especially since I was the cause of her behaviour in the first
place.

   I've tried to come clean and seek absolution.  I work in a church.  I
know when confession is yet when I go there, I can never bring myself to
open my mouth to get the words out.  It doesn't matter if I hide behind the
curtain, the words get stuck in my chest and I can feel myself choking on
the sentence.

   Things have changed between us considerably.  Things like how we were
then, to how we were while it was happening, and even how things are now.
Neither one of us bothers to close the bathroom door when she's over.  At
this point, there's no reason too.  Neither of us will think twice or
hesitate to walk around naked.  I let her wear clothes that are probably
too short or revealing for a girl her age, but again, I am the last person
to say anything at this point.

   I'll go into the details in different posts to help clarify things, for
now, I am trying to keep this as an introduction of sorts.  As I've said
before, I've tried to confess my sins to a priest, but it just won't
happen, even anonymously.  So I chose the next best thing.  Anonymous on
the internet, well, as anonymous as one can be here.  Maybe I can confess
my sins here and get a little peace of mind.