How High A Price - Another View Conclusion
                              Copyright by Joesephus

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Synopsis: How can two people who are "attractive," "highly intelligent,
caring and feeling." make such a mess of their lives? What happens
next? This is my second attempt at this story.

Codes: MF no-sex slow rom cons cheat

This story is based on E.Z Ritter's version of a story with the same name.
I have the author's permmission to write this ending.

You will need to read his version for this story to make sense.  It can be
found free on many sites.  ASSTR.ORG rules don't allow me to advertise so
I don't think I can actually name them.  If you do a search for this 
Title and my pen name, Joesephus, you should find them.


This story was written with MS Word.  I used things like bold and italics
to make dialogue more understandable.  Those were lost when I converted 
this to TXT format.  If you wish to read the version with the formats
You can find them posted on other sites.  I would suggest you search 
for the title and Joesephus.
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©Copyright by Joesephus

Authors Angst... This is not a stand-alone story. In order to
understand it, you must read E. Z. Riter's "How High a Price - Another
View," Mr. Riter's version of The Troubadour's excellent "How High a
Price," With Mr. Riter's permission and The Troubadour's I'm using the
characters from both their stories. I have attempted to pick up exactly
where Mr. Riter's story stopped.

This is my second shot at this excellent tale... It's what I wanted to
do the first time but I hadn't received permission from Mr. Ritter.
Since I'd started on the assumption that I'd get it, I slapped together
a different start and posted "HHAP-The Next Step." I hoped that Mr.
Ritter or some one else would send a reply so I could write my ending
and waited. Mr. Ritter took pity wrote the reply letter found in this
story. I've used it with his permission.

Finally, if you've read and remember my earlier take on HHAP, "The Next
Step," there are only a few minor changes until Early's reply to Susan's
letter. If you skip to that point, you won't really miss anything.

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Chapter 1: Aftermath


Susan began calling Early's office before it opened on Monday morning.
Joan, Early's secretary, fielded a dozen calls from Susan before she
confronted Early. "I can't do this, Early. I'm mad enough at Susan to
spit nails, but I can't continue to just hang up on her. You have
always been more like family than my boss, and I'm on your side, but I
also owe Susan. She never charged me for all the legal work on my
divorce or all the child support collection problems with my deadbeat
ex.

"I understand you not wanting to talk to her... I know how hurt you
are. I remember the pain I went through when I found out he had cheated
on me. If it weren't for the kids, I don't know what I would have done.
I understand you not wanting to talk to her or ever see her again, but
you're going to have to get her to stop trying to talk to me..." she
paused, her face pleading, "Please, I can't listen to her pain
without... I can't be rude to her, I just can't."

Early's jaw muscles pulsed as he gnashed his teeth. He took a deep
breath to keep from exploding, paused then said, "Next time she calls
tell her that I've told you I will fire you if you speak to her on
company time. If you want to listen to her on your own time... well
that's your business, but I will fire you, for real, if you ever
mention her to me or speak to her here. I'll do my best not to put you
in the middle of all this, but I will not speak to her except through
my lawyer; her name is Cynthia. Maybe she can get the courts to issue a
restraining order or something."

That effectively ended Susan's attempts to call Early at the office,
but she was leaning on his Mercedes as he walked out of the building
that evening. Turning on his heel, he contacted security and had her
removed from the parking lot. Unable to locate Cynthia, he left a
message asking her to prepare a restraining order and file it as soon
as she could. He then called his PI, John Wells, and arranged for
transportation to the Holiday Inn. Susan wasn't able to follow them.

Because he was a modest person, Early was surprised that concern for
him reached to the very top of his company. Steve Majors, the head of
security, contacted Paul Landon, general counsel, to confirm the
legality of Early's action barring Susan from the property. Paul
contacted the CEO about the same time Early was leaving with his
private investigator.

Tuesday morning a process server showed up at Early's office. John
Stickner was filing civil suit for the damage to his face. At the time
Early was in the CEO's office explaining what had happened. The CEO
picked up the phone and called the Paul up to his office. After a short
discussion, he told Paul, "I want you to change our outside law firm
immediately." Early's company, a large multinational, had been the
biggest client of Susan's law firm, amounting to almost seventy percent
of their billable hours. "Early, you will take the week off. Get out of
town, go someplace nice and put it on your expense account."

A week later Early was back in the CEO's office. "I've felt guilty
about all the travel I've put you through Early and I think I'm partly
responsible for what happened. This company will do everything it
legally can to help you. If you want to relocate, just say where."

Within hours of losing their major client, the senior partners of
Jenson, Sharone and Anderson had called Susan into their conference
room and told her to seek employment elsewhere. It only took only a bit
longer for a full meeting of the partners to see Stickner fired. To
avoid further legal action, Stickner agreed to relinquish his license
to practice in Washington State and move to New York, but Susan was
going to remain in Seattle.

Early had already been thinking about that particular problem. While he
was determined not to lay eyes on cheating slut of a wife, he didn't
like the idea of being run out of town either. Besides, he liked the
idea of showing Susan that she no longer had any power over him. If he
didn't want to see or talk to her, he could make that happen. "No, I'm
going to stay here. That is if security can legally keep her out of the
offices."

Paul looked at his boss, who nodded and Paul said, "That won't be a
problem. I'll have some papers drawn up and serve her."

Then the game began. Susan, desperate to talk to Early, tried to
contact him through friends, Early countered with emails and letters.
Saying each person would have to choose sides, he concluded by saying,
"I welcome all friends but any friend of mine will never mention that
bitch's name."

Anticipating she would hire private detectives to find where he was
staying, he drove a different rental every day until he found an
apartment. Because his attorney told him he was unlikely to be able to
get a restraining order, his new apartment was located in a very secure
gated community.

The duel continued for weeks. Susan would thrust and Early would parry,
outmaneuvering her at every juncture. Just when he thought he'd won, his
attorney summoned him to her office



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Chapter 2: The Letter


"I don't care how much it costs, I don't want to have to see or deal
with that bitch again!"

Cynthia Rodgers, Early's divorce attorney gave him the look, the one
that said "stop acting like a child and join the real world."

"Early, all the money in the world can't keep you from seeing her in
court if she fights this. She's one of the best lawyers in the state,
for God's sake. Even with all the evidence you have she can drag this
out long enough to wipe you out and make me a very rich woman. If she
decides to make this fight her life's work, she can tie you up until
you die. If you really don't want to see her repeatedly, then you're
going to have to read her letter and respond to it."

Early felt a black hole in his soul open. His gut felt like his ulcers
had developed ulcers. His fight to isolate himself from Susan for the
last five weeks had created a scab of sorts over his pain. Now he felt
that scab being slowly and very painful ripped off, leaving the open,
putrefying sore.

He knew Susan had a brilliant legal mind and courtroom skills to make
her a legend... before he had derailed her career. Living with her had
taught him that the legal system delivered many things, but rarely
justice. He understood she could not only wipe him out financially, she
could tie him up with?motions and court appearances for years. The
little voice in his head kept saying, "If you are so over her, why are
you so afraid to deal with her like an adult. She was your wife, your
life, and no matter how much you want a clean break..."

Aloud Early said, "If I do this, give my sworn word to read her letter
and think about it for one hour a day for six days, can I hold her to
her word? Will this all go away?"

Cynthia shrugged. "She's your wife! Will she keep her word? She said
there is one request in the letter, a private request, that if you'll
agree to consider that one request she will sign the divorce pleading
she's drawn up. She said there won't be anything in that pleading that
I would object to."

Two months ago there would have been no doubt in Early's mind that
Susan would keep her word, but now? This was childish. She wasn't even
asking for a face-to-face, which Cynthia said she could force with
depositions. "Okay, I'll do it if it's the only way to end this mess."

Cynthia smiled gently, "It's the smart move, Early. Now raise your
right hand and swear..."

When Early got back to his apartment he resisted the urge to take a
drink. Instead he opened the large manila envelope and took out Susan's
letter. It was typed. He felt his stomach knot and he couldn't decide
exactly why. Had he wanted to see Susan's strong beautiful handwriting
or was he disappointed that she hadn't tried?





Dear Early,

I've resisted the urge to address you as 'dearest husband' but that is
what you are and what you will always remain. I don't say that lightly.
I've always heard that your life can change in the blink of an eye. Mine
did. Early, when you said you were in our bedroom right after I lied on
the phone about being home, I died. I've spent almost every waking
second for the last five weeks thinking about what I've done, what kind
of person I was and the kind I want to be. After more thought and sober
self-analysis than I've done in my whole life, I had my own epiphany.
Or perhaps more accurately, an affirmation of who I must be. I must be
your wife.

Naturally this creates certain problems, since I understand,
profoundly, your desire not to be my husband. I even agree, though
wistfully, with your decision and I will honor it. I will always crave
your forgiveness but that isn't the purpose of this letter. I pray that
you will never show this to anyone, but if you show it to Cynthia,
she'll tell you that it ends any possible legal threats that I might
make. I acknowledge that I committed adultery and that I am solely
responsible. I'll testify in any court, provide detailed receipts of my
involvement with Mr. John Stickner. I will be a witness that Early acted
in self-defense when he smashed Mr. Stickener's face. If allowed, I will
provide legal advice pro bono in my husband's suit against him and my
former firm. I will also reimburse you for all expenses you incur in
that suit or in our divorce. My only regret concerning my former firm
was that I didn't get to resign. I had my letter ready when I was
sacked.

Early, I am your wife, and I always will be. What's more, I will be
faithful to you for the rest of my life. I know that sounds a bit
melodramatic, but after all my soul searching, I understand it and I
don't want to change it. That doesn't mean I'm going to try to hold
you. I've lost that right; you are free from me, and you never have to
see me again. I hope you will, I pray that you will, but if you don't I
will never attempt to see you. I am gladly giving you the legal tools to
keep me at bay if I should falter in my resolve and lose what little
dignity I still possess.

I not only regret what I did, I repent. That means I have to do
everything in my power to make you whole from my damage to you. I can't
undo what I've done but I will try to provide restitution.

So you will know that my decision to honor my marriage vows after our
divorce is sincere, I am establishing a trust fund. It will pay for
surveillance of me to prove that I continue to honor my marriage vows.
The trust fund will be controlled by a thir? party who will make all
reports available to you. You don't have to read the reports but they
will always be open to you.

I beg you not to pity me. I don't. I don't want ever to be involved
with anyone else. I fully understand and accept the consequences of my
actions. If I can't have the life with you I crave, this is the next
best alternative for me. I beg only one thing: don't force me to be a
biological dead end. I want to have two of your children. You don't
have to see me again; I will gladly have twins by in vitro. You will
have full control of those children. I will give them up for adoption,
or you can have sole custody and deny me visitation rights. I will sign
any contract you wish or write the best one I'm capable of writing.

I understand that my unconscionable cheating destroyed your trust. That
is why I want the surveillance. I'm not trying to be a martyr. It is my
dearest hope and highest ambition that by my behavior I can convince
you I'm worthy to have those children and perhaps be allowed to be an
important part of their lives. If however, you don't want me to be an
integral part of their lives, I think it would be better for them never
to know me. To facilitate that and to ease your pain, I will move to a
different part of the state. As much as I love this place, we have too
many common friends and interests, and I don't think I could restrain
myself if I were to encounter you or them at some function.

As much as I would like to bear our children, if in seven years you
have decided that you don't wish me to have them, I will have my tubes
tied. Either way, I am establishing a second trust fund to cover all
your expenses for all your children, whether mine or not. If you can't
allow me to have children, I pray you will marry another and have
children. You are too special to deprive the world of your genes.

I want you to understand that I am as content in my lot as I can be
without you. I have no choice; I must live as if I'm still your wife. I
will do so if you marry. I will always be available to you in any role
you allow, from loving advisor to enthusiastic cheerleader to as one
dead to you. The only thing I will not do is harm any future wife as I
have harmed you. My bed will always be open, but please, if you marry,
come to it only if your wife agrees. I am giving you full power over
me. I will do anything you ask that isn't illegal. I beg only for the
children and that you never force me to be part of breaking your vows
to another woman.

Finally, I beg you to honor your oath. I wrote it carefully so that I
could explain that I don't want you to think about this daily for a
week, but for an hour on the anniversary of the day that our divorce
becomes final. It's a bit underhanded, but I pray that over time you
will forgive me sufficiently to allow me to bear your children. My hope
is that, given years to think about it, you might allow my life on Earth
to have meaning.

With complete devotion and obedience forever,

Susan





Early read the letter a second time. He could hear Susan's voice. This
wasn't how she wrote briefs, this was how she spoke when she wasn't
prepared to argue. His guts roiled and he felt a constriction in his
chest. The pain she was feeling was impossible to miss and was deeper
than he'd ever seen her display.

That line about "biological dead end" carried incredible emotional
baggage. It wasn't just about her being the only child of old money. It
was a term they'd used for one of their couple friends who proudly
proclaimed their intent not to have children.

Early knew that having children was of paramount importance to Susan.
They had begun discussing starting a family a few months ago. They had
decided on the end of summer as the time she would go off birth control
and Thanksgiving as the time to start trying in earnest. Early said a
silent prayer of thanks that this happened before they'd gotten her
pregnant.

Early would keep his word. He would spend the time thinking about this
letter but a coldness in his chest let him know that he wouldn't
change. He wanted noth?ng to do with this woman and he wouldn't let her
manipulate him. He was sorry that she wouldn't have children... but that
would be her choice. He wouldn't abandon his children and he couldn't
abandon his children's mother. If he acceded to her, he would be bound
to her forever and he couldn't stand that. He walked to the small file
cabinet and did something he'd sworn he'd never do again. He looked at
a picture of Susan standing with John in their office. It was enough;
he was resolved.

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"Early, this is the oddest pleading I've ever seen," Cynthia smiled
tightly.

Early clenched his jaw and felt his eyes flash, "What about the
alimony? Is there any way we can fight that?"

"Early, I would love to see you fight it but ethically I have to advise
you against it. The only reason I'd like to see you fight is because
we'd lose and I could use it as a precedent for my future cases. Even
if you won, you can't stop her from doing what she wishes with her
money. Calling it alimony just means she can shelter more of it from
Uncle Sam. What I like is the way she established the amount to provide
for her own needs, and the way she's indexed that for inflation. The
consumer price index or her apartment rent whichever is lower. She will
be able to live modestly and provide for her retirement, but nothing
more. Everything else comes to you. Of course that assumes you allow
her to keep her retirement."

Early shrugged to show he didn't understand and Cynthia continued,
"She's giving you alimony, all of her 401Ks and investments. She is
even giving you all of her inheritance. She says she wants to make you
harmless. She states that you would have enjoyed the benefits of those
funds if she hadn't destroyed the marriage and thus you are entitled to
them. I don't think we can fight that, at least based on the grounds
she's using, and frankly I don't think I can fight against your
interest and stay inside the canons. All that aside, it's the
irrevocable power of attorney that she insists be part of the
settlement that gives you the ultimate power."

"Do I have to accept it?" Early growled, feeling small-hearted but
still looking for the hook in her offers. He just didn't trust her.
Trust she destroyed.

"You've called Susan the bitch more times than you've use her name, but
have you spent much time around dogs? I didn't think so. I breed Labs.
When one dog totally submits to another, she turns on her back and
bares her throat. The alpha dog will take the submissive dog's neck in
its mouth and hold it, enjoying the power of life and death. That's
what Susan has done, at least the human equivalent. My advice to you is
to sign, put those documents in my care, and put the money in a trust.
That way you won't abuse her when you feel the anger. Oh, you will feel
it as you work through your grief at the death of this marriage. It will
happen no matter how justified and correct your actions. I also know
that you'll be tempted just to donate all her money to charity but that
would be a hostile mistake. There might come a time when she needs it or
changes her mind. If that happens, you'll sleep better knowing you've
done the right thing."

Cynthia paused again, and Early could practically see the wheels
turning before she continued, "I don't think you can do a thing to stop
her wasting that money. You can have the detective reports held though
so you don't have to involve yourself in them."

Early sat back. The idea of Susan paying him alimony rankled but
Cynthia made sense of it. This way it didn't force him to see her or to
be connected to her. He might even, over time, solve the problem of
still being desperately in love with her.



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Chapter 3: Early's Response written by E. Z Riter:


Early Conroy had aged ten years in the past three months. Finding the
love of his life fucking another man had done that to him. But Early
was tough. He had survived and things were getting better.

He had, on advice of h?s attorney, taken the time requested by
Susan—who was still his wife legally but not emotionally and
certainly not morally—to consider the letter she had written him.
That letter was laden with apparent remorse and pleaded with him to
give her another chance. Unbeknownst to anyone, even his attorney, he
had spent over twenty hours with a psychologist who specialized in
marital relations to assist him in understanding his situation and his
response to it.

Susan had been right about one thing. The passage of time had cooled
the anger of the moment. Now, the fire of pain and resentment inside
him was a cold and lifeless pile of ashes hidden under the calm and
positive demeanor his friends recognized as the Early of old.

He carefully composed a letter to Susan in response to her letter:





Susan:

I read your letter, and I will read it again on the anniversary of our
divorce for the next six years. I didn't just spend an hour but full
day thinking about the issues between us. I have given it time as you
also requested. I have considered at length what you set forth in your
letter.

This is to inform you that I will not tolerate you in my life in any
continuing manner, which includes both your proposed financial
arrangements and also producing children from my sperm.

What was between us is dead. It cannot be resurrected.

As for the impact of my decision on you and your potential offspring, I
quote another man's comments to his cheating wife: "Frankly, my dear, I
don't give a damn."

I am anticipating your fulfillment of your commitment to leave me alone
from this point forth.

Early A. Conroy





Cynthia Rodgers read the letter as Early sat opposite her across her
desk.

"Are you sure?" Cynthia asked.

"Completely. Positively. Unequivocally," Early replied.

Cynthia nodded. "The paper work is completed. You'll be divorced by
Monday," she said.

Early thanked Cynthia and shook her hand.

When he left her office and exited the building onto the street, he
realized, for the first time in months, there was a song in his heart
and a bounce in his step.



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Chapter 4: The Foundation


Almost Three years later:

Early was in a bad mood. Being in a bad mood was a common occurrence
recently. Damn! It was still three weeks until he had to read that
letter from his cheating slut of an ex-wife and the dread was as bad as
the event. Every time he thought about just how manipulative she was it
made him furious--with himself--for marrying her.

Early parked his new Mercedes in an open slot and looked around. This
was one of the rougher parts of town. The cops didn't have to patrol in
pairs here, but they did. "Well I guess it shows these folks aren't
wasting any money on things that don't affect their mission," he
mumbled under his breath as he got out of the car. "It's a good cause
though and I promised."

The door to the store front location was unlocked as he entered the
place. It doesn't look any better on the inside, he thought. From a
room down a hall that he assumed was the conference room a disembodied
voice called out, "Early, if that's you come on back and we'll
officially welcome you to the board."

Opening the door he saw eight people seated around a battered
conference table. Their clothes and accoutrements spoke of an affluence
at odds with the surroundings. Harry Wilson, a recent 'best friend' rose
to greet him. "Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce Early Conroy. My
company began doing business with his company and I've never meet a
more competent trouble shooter.

"I really appreciation your willingness to serve on this board, we need
you badly."

Early had to smile, Wilson was one of the world's good guys even if he
wasn't too proud to twist a few arms, but he hadn't had to twist
Early's. "You were very persuasive, Harry, but the truth is I'd decided
several months ago I wanted to help. I was just guilty of
procrastination."

After everyone was introduced, Wilson said, "Okay Early, the way we do
this is we take turns reading a request and then we brainstorm how we
might accomplish the wish or decide if it's beyond our means. Then
we'll take up the next one. Your skills as a problem solver are going
to be invaluable.

"Here's the first one. A seven year old girl, with advanced leukemia,
would like to help rescue wild mustangs in Oklahoma. It was something
her parents did before she got sick and they always promised they'd
take her when she got old enough."

Early felt like someone had hit him in the gut, "Jesus, Harry, I'll buy
the whole family plane tickets to where ever..."

The woman on his right put a gentle arm on his, "If it were that easy,
Early, it would have been handled by the staff. She'll need to be
transported by air ambulance. She'll need round-the-clock nursing care;
but the biggest hurdle is all the legal liability issues at the other
end. After all, the reason we here is because the Make-a-Wish
Foundation was sued out of existence in this city after they took some
terminal kids hunting. People are scared to death that if something
were to happen to one of those kids they'd be sued to death. The sad
truth is that some of our clients have sued... "

As if on queue Susan Edwards, Esq., walked into the room. When Susan
saw Early, her whole face lit up with a beautiful smile. Early felt his
settle into a scowl. The woman continued, "Early, I'd like to introduce
our legal genius who, single handedly has been keeping us out of
trouble for the last two years. Sue Edwards, this is our newest board
member Early Conroy."

Susan's eye's made contact with Early's and Early couldn't contain his
contempt as a wave of rage washed over him. All pleasure left Susan's
expression. She very carefully turned so she was not speaking to Early.
"Mr. Conroy and I have met." Looking around the table she then said,
"I'm sorry I'm late..."

Early watched her carefully as she continued. Susan always was
brilliant, and she was still beautiful. If she weren't a manipulative
slut Early knew he'd be interested.

After the meeting broke up, Early tried to get Harry alone. As much as
he wanted to help this group, he simply couldn't work in an
organization that included Susan. As the meeting progressed Early had
been forced to admit, grudgingly, that she was indeed central to the
group's success and that it was a work of her heart. Although it made
him mad, he had decided that he needed to withdraw from the board. He'd
continue to help them as he could. Even his short association with them
made him realize that he needed to be involved in efforts to give back
some of what he'd been blessed to receive. As much as this effort
tugged at his heart-strings, he'd just have to find someplace else.
Unfortunately, Susan and other members of the board were involved in a
second impromptu meeting as soon as the formal meeting ended.

When he got home Early wrestled with his conscience. Part of what
appealed to him about the organization was the kids. Early loved kids
and was slowly coming to the conclusion that he might never have any.
It was just another reason that he hadn't been able to let go of his
anger with Susan. Because of her, he knew what real love was and as
much as he'd tried, he hadn't been able to love anyone else. He thought
frequently about what his private investigator Bill Miller had told him
that night about trust and marriage. He had just assumed that when he
got rid of Susan that trusting someone else would be natural. It
wasn't.

As a fit and wealthy single man, finding dates hadn't been a problem.
With the help of friends he was overrun with women looking to fill the
hole Susan had left in his heart. Several of those had ended up in his
bed. Two had even become serious monogamous relationships. The problem
was that even after a month or two he still wanted to use a condom. He
simply couldn't trust a woman not to cheat and that destroyed any hope
there might have been.

After the last relationship crashed and burned a few months ago, one of
his oldest friends had taken Early out for a wine and song, no women
because he was married. In the early morning hours th?y were solving
all the problems of the world when his friend blurted, "Early when are
you going to forgive Susan and go on with your life?"

Early was just mellow enough to not respond with his characteristic
anger. He was just drunk enough for the Latin "en vino veritas" or
"when you're drunk you let the truth slip out." In drunken profundity
said, "It's that damn letter I have to read every year. Just when I
think I can get past her I have to read what that manipulative bitch
wrote and know that I've got to do it for years to come."

His friend looked him in the eyes and said, "Early, if that's all it
were you'd just laugh at how lucky you were to be quit of her. I'm not
saying you need to take her back. I wouldn't, but you've got to get
past this for your own sake."

His friend paused, looking so sober it made Early concentrate to appear
less drunk, himself. "Early, what is your hatred doing to Susan? How is
it hurting her? Does she even feel it? Is your hate ruining her life?

Indignant and still very drunk. Early slammed his fist on the table.
"It sure is, it's making her miserable!"

Still looking him deeply in his eyes the friend then asked, "How do you
know Early? Have you seen her or asked?"

Feeling smug as only a drunk can, Early almost sneered, "She told me so
in her damn letter!"

Looking a bit sad now the friend asked, "Do you believe her? If you
can't trust her, why do you believe anything she has ever said? If you
do believe her then why can't you trust her? Ah shit, this is getting
too deep for me. Let's have another round. What do you think the
Huskies will be favored by on Saturday? It should be a great football
game."

As Early got ready for bed he felt his anger bubble up. That bitch
didn't so much as say a single word to him. Not a "how are you" nor
even a polite "hello."

The next morning he'd been at work for a little more than an hour when
Harry called. "Early, what's the deal with you and Sue? She called this
first thing this morning and said she was going to have to withdraw from
the foundation. She tried to tell me that she had some sort of conflict
of interest, but a blind man could see how upset she was every time she
looked your way. What's going on?" He gave a rather mirthless chuckle.
"Was she your ex-wife's lawyer or something?"

"No, she's my ex-wife. Harry, I was going to call you latter today and
tell you that I was going to have to withdraw from the board. I'll be
happy to continue to support the effort financially and you can call on
me for anything that I can do as long as it doesn't involve Susan."

"Early, I had no idea! I was kidding since I knew you were divorced and
I knew she only took men's divorce cases, she's helped a lot of dads get
to see their kids. She's famous in some circles. Look, I understand, I
hate to see you leave..."

The conversation continued and turned professional at the end. It was
just a phone call so why did it upset Early so much to hear that Susan
had tried to withdraw? The more he thought about it the madder he got.
What right did she have to try to avoid him? He certainly hadn't done
anything wrong.

Later that morning Harry called him back. "Early, could you meet me for
lunch? This has turned into a rather delicate situation and I'd like to
buy you lunch and see if I can get you to help me."

It took most of Early's self control and a reminder just how important
Harry's business was to his firm to keep from saying "Not only no, but
HELL NO!" Instead he allowed Harry to name one of the more exclusive
restaurants in Seattle for a late lunch meeting.

When he got there Harry was waiting for him. After an excellent meal
and two glasses of vintage Port, Early was feeling a bit mellow.
"Early, I don't know how to say this diplomatically, but the foundation
needs Sue. I don't want to get involved in your business, but she's
insisting that we not let you leave the board. She said you are a great
asset and she's proud of you for joining. She also made it very clear
that she wouldn't continue to volunteer even if you left. I couldn't
even get her to come t?day or to call you. Look Early, I feel terrible
about this, and I'll give you a blank IOU, but you've got to talk to
her and convince her. Early, to be blunt, we can get along without you,
but she's irreplaceable. I need you to talk to her. Convince her that
either you'll work with her or convince her that you will not serve,
and she must."

Early sat in silence trying to make sense of the emotions battling
inside, ultimately curiosity proved stronger than anger or hurt. "Did
she say why she wouldn't come to lunch?" Early winced as the question
came out with more provocation than he intended.

"No, but it wasn't too hard to figure out that she feels guilty about
something and is doing her best not to interfere with your choices.
That's why we're having this conversation and I'm making an ass of
myself. I got the very strong impression that she'll do whatever you
want her to."

Harry paused then continued in a soften tone. "You don't get to where I
am without being able to read people. It's pretty clear you're carrying
some baggage around about what happened. After all this time it might
help you to talk to her too. Get it off your chest so to speak. Why
don't you let me set up a meeting?"

Early sighed, "Okay, I'll meet with her, I don't know that it'll do any
good..."

Harry's whole countenance changed into one of those professional
hale-fellow-well-met salesman types. "Good! I was hoping you'd agree, I
asked her to meet me here tonight for dinner at 7:00. I couldn't get her
to agree to meet with you, so if you'll arrive a little late, I'll leave
and let you two hash this out. Dinner will be on me, so splurge."

Early had been taking Prilosec for almost two years, but immediately
recognized the sour acid stomach as he walked into the restaurant. He
saw Susan and Harry. Harry spotted him, but Susan had her back to him.
Early suppressed a belch and motioned to Harry that he'd be just a
minute before he joined them. Turning to the hostess who had been
escorting him he got directions to a place to buy Tums.

Ten minutes later Early again approached the table, this time he had to
acknowledge that the pain in his stomach wasn't going to be solved by
antacids. He stepped to where the place setting awaited him, on Susan's
right and Harry's left. "I'm sorry I'm late, I had a last second task I
had to take care of. Hello Susan, you're looking nice."

Early had been watching Susan's body language from the time she first
caught sight of him. Again her first reaction was that dazzling smile,
but this was almost instantly replaced by a withering glance shot at
Harry. When Early spoke to her, she looked up at him her eyes pleading
with him, but Early couldn't figure out just what it was she wanted."

Even before Early was fully seated Harry was getting out of his chair,
"Susan, I set this up. You two need to talk about the foundation, and
I'm not going to intrude. I told Early that the meal is on me..."

Susan was fumbling with her coat as she struggled to get out of her
chair, "Harry! I can't believe you've done this, I told you I'm not
allowed to talk to Early..."

Early felt like he'd been dropped into an episode of the Keystone Kops,
but one where the item being dragged wasn't a ladder truck but emotional
baggage. Turning to Susan he said, "Please, stay, we do need to talk. I
agreed to do this; you're not breaking your word."

Again Susan turned those pleading eyes on him, and Early couldn't
remember ever seeing her look so yearning, then those eyes began to
tear up. "What? Why are you about to cry?"

"Early, I have so little left. My integrity is about my only comfort. I
promised you I would stay out of your life, and I've done it..."

"Yes, you have and I appreciate it, but this isn't you coming into my
life; it's me intruding on yours." Yeah you kept out of my life, except
for that damn letter... 

Susan was studying him carefully. He watched her eyes focus on his left
eye first then the other then back again before she continued, "Early,
may I say one thing about us? If you let me, I promise I'll do whatever
you want. You j?st tell me and you won't even have to stay for the rest
of dinner."

Early felt his anger surge and had to bite off a sarcastic retort. Not
trusting his voice he nodded his assent.

"Early, please don't ever read that letter from me again. I'm so sorry
I made you do that. I didn't mean to manipulate you that way. I've
wanted to ask you for two years to ignore your promise but I didn't
know any way to get a message to you."

Early did a slow blink and pulled back in surprise; then suspicious,
asked, "That's it? You don't have another request?"

Susan bowed her head and shook it no. Looking at her silverware she
asked softly, "What do you want me to do about the foundation? They
really could use your talent."

Early wasn't sure exactly what he was feeling when he said, "They need
you more, and I'm not going to work with you Susan. If you mean what
you said, I want you to continue doing what you've been doing and I'll
find another group to work with."

Susan continued to look at the tablecloth that her tears were now
wetting. She waited a few pregnant seconds and said softly, "Okay,
Early, I'll stay. If you ever decide you want to go back on the board
just tell Harry and I'll quit."

Early's stomach was killing him, he wanted to lash out at her; seeing
her so submissive infuriated him, but his tone was ice cold when he
said, "Good, I've lost my appetite, I hope you don't mind eating
alone."

Not waiting for an answer he stood and strode out of the restaurant.
When he got to his car he was shaking with suppressed rage. He
desperately wanted to storm back to the table and rail at her. He
wanted to cut her to ribbons with words he knew would sear her very
soul. It took several minutes to get his emotions sufficiently under
control to drive back to his condo.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 5: Trouble at Work?


If Early had been in a bad mood before, now it was positively putrid.
He wasn't aware that his staff was approaching him with trepidation,
while treating him as if he were made of the most fragile crystal. It
was only when the CEO called him in to his office Friday afternoon and
asked what was wrong that Early realized just how big a prick he'd
been.

They talked and Early explained about his meeting with Susan. "Early,
when did you last take a vacation?"

Early blinked, he couldn't remember, "I'm not sure..."

"You're on vacation now." He picked up his phone and dialed a number.
"Lynn, did you get that cruise ticket? Any luck on a different suite?
No, I said I wanted something special. What's it going to set us back?
Ouch, I didn't give you a budget, but ouch! No, get the confirmation.
Good job!" Early, I'm sending you on a cruise before your whole staff
stages a walkout. Your flight leaves tomorrow afternoon and the ship
leaves the day after. We're paying for the Master's Suite on Radisson's
Seven Seas Mariner from LA to San Francisco to Bora Bora, Tahiti and
back to LA. That's 27 nights and it's worth every cent of the 60K plus
it's costing, so enjoy."

Early felt his temper build, "I don't need a cruise..."

"Early, four of your staff have either come to see me or sent emails.
No, they weren't complaining, they're worried about you. I checked
before you came up, you haven't had a vacation since before your
divorce. You know it's our policy that vacations are mandatory. I'm not
sure how you got around it, but you can either take this cruise or you
can begin cleaning out your desk."

Early looked at the man who made million dollar deals every week and he
couldn't read him. "Remind me not to play poker with you..."

The CEO laughed, "I'm a terrible poker player, I can't bluff, but that
gives me a real advantage in business. I shoot straight and I will walk
away if the deal isn't there. I don't want to fire you Early, but if you
don't go I will. By the way, that's a 2000 square foot two bedroom suite
and it won't cost us a dime more if you take a friend. Now get out and
don't let me see you until after that ship docks."

Early started to protest that he had several ?rons in the fire, but
seeing the expression he said, "I'll take my laptop so if you need
me..."

When Early got to his condo he checked out what to expect on the ship.
He saw the dress would range from country club casual to formal. Early
had a couple of tuxedoes he could take but he would run out of casual
clothes long before the cruise was over. He saw the floor plan for his
suite. It had two private dining rooms, one indoors and one on his own
private balcony. This was a dream vacation, one of those once in a
lifetime experiences. The finest cabin on the highest-rated cruise ship
on the ocean.

It was only as he contemplated the two bedrooms that his stomach hurt.
Even ignoring the short time frame, there wasn't a single soul in the
world that Early wanted to have with him on the trip. What would be
fabulous with a partner looked like torture alone.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 6: The Cruise


Sunday, April 16th Los Angeles:

Early stood on his private balcony as the ship pulled away from the
dock. Departure time had been delayed and it was getting dark. He'd
made a reservation at the Signatures restaurant for himself, his niece,
Kristin, and her husband, Mark. The college couple were the only members
of his family who could get away on such short notice and they would be
going only as far as Hawaii eight days from now. A few people threw
those streamer things at the dock, but the lack of anyone to see them
off ruined the image of the Bon Voyage parties of Black & White movies.

Dinner was everything one would expect from a restaurant that
advertised it served cuisine from around the world, all prepared using
the Cordon Bleu method. Early actually had the chicken Cordon Bleu. It
was preceded by a shrimp cocktail served in a one of those special two
part goblets where one part sits on ice inside the other, except these
where both made of cut crystal. It was followed by a fruit salad with
very special poppy seed dressing served on fine bone china. The main
course, served on gold-rimmed plates of the ship's custom pattern made
Early forget about just how many calories, fat and cholesterol the
cheese and ham stuffed chicken represented. The service was impeccable
and Early knew he'd be adding something to expected 20% of the ticket
price tip his company had already paid.

After dinner Kristin and Mark had gone to one of the lounge areas to
dance and Early returned to his suite to watch the sunset. By dark,
they were out of sight of land and Early decided to check on his email.
The first thing he discovered was that "For a nominal fee, guests may
send or receive e-mail via computers on board." Who the hell thought
nominal meant fifty cents a minute? The connection was as slow as a
dial-up line. Still, when you considered where they were, it wasn't how
well the elephant danced but that it danced at all. As soon as he logged
in to the company he received a message that said, "Early, all your
email is being diverted. If you expect any personal messages you'll
need to notify them of your address on the ship. All your passwords
have already been changed and you will not get the new ones until you
arrive in person. Attempting to hack our system is grounds for
termination. Now go have fun!"

The next week was one of the most relaxing of Early's entire life. It
was a precious time to get to know Kristin and Mark. Early spent a lot
of time in the hot tubs, and just sleeping on the deck chairs. He spent
even more time avoiding other passengers. The ratio of single women to
single men on the 700-passenger ship was nine to one. The only problem
was that those closest to his age were either old enough to be his
grandmother or young enough to be his daughter!

By the time Kristin and Mark left on April 26th, Early was rested out.
Thursday night the 27th was a formal night and Early was lonesome. Ship
to shore telephone service was available, at $7.50 per minute and Early
couldn't think of anyone whom he would enjoy visiting at that rate.
He'd played Civilization IV until he was w?nning in less than four
hours and he wasn't interested in the fabulous shows provided by the
ship. What he wanted was someone to share this time with and it pained
him that there was no one. His elderly aunt might try to join him when
they arrive at Tahiti, but that wasn't really the sort of companionship
he wanted. He'd been amused when he read the ship's booklet to find that
soliciting was reason to be put off the ship at the nearest port. Now,
he briefly wondered if there might be player or two available among the
staff.

The ship had a fully equipped casino, but while Early had no problem
with gambling, he so hated to lose that casino games didn't appeal to
him. Instead of dressing in his tux he decided to have dinner served in
his suite for the first time. The food was exquisite, but the company
was lousy. For the first time since that night at the restaurant, he
wasn't able to dismiss the image of Susan's smile from his memory.

After turning out the lights, he reclined his deckchair on his private,
enclosed balcony and looked up at the stars. The ship's own light
pollution blotted out many, but the formations he could see were
spectacular, although they looked different this close to the equator.
Looking at the sky had fascinated mankind from the most ancient of
days. As Early felt the gentle sway of the ship, he listened to the
quiet whisper of the wind moving past his glass bubble. At some point
he saw a shooting star and the isolation oozed into him. He was on a
ship with 700 passengers, but that ship was alone in the Pacific Ocean.
As his soul reached out, he understood at a profound level that no
ancient shepherd had ever been as removed from civilization.

No doubt there were satellites orbiting, but to Early's naked eye, his
ship was the only sign of man that could be seen. As removed as the
ship was from the rest of the world, so Early felt removed from his
fellow passengers, from the rest of humanity. A never understood
phrase, "It is not good that man should be alone," reverberated in his
soul.

Early closed his eyes to sleep but instead looked deeper inside
himself. "Why, Susan?" he asked the inky sky in a husky voice. In the
ensuing silence he realized that he wasn't sure exactly what he was
asking. Why had she ruined their marriage? Why had she cheated? Why had
she written that letter? Why had she released him?

He'd been nibbling around the edges of those questions ever since he
boarded the ship, dismissing them as soon as he became aware of them,
but his mind had never quite let them go. Now as he faced them
squarely, he knew he needed answers. Early snorted, I don't want them
bad enough to call her though, even if it didn't cost $7.50 per minute.

On a whim, he booted his laptop, connected to the ship's network and
sent a message to Cynthia, his friendly divorce attorney. The one
sentence note asked if she would contact Susan and see if Susan would
be willing to answer a few questions.

He no sooner clicked send than he wished he'd never sent it. Even if he
were to send a second message asking Cynthia to ignore the last one,
he'd asked Pandora to open her damn box.

Cynthia and her husband were now close friends. They'd been the second
people he'd contacted about coming on the cruise. She couldn't get out
of her court dates and had to decline. However, she'd also been one of
the more persistent about urging Early to settle his issues with Susan.
If Early were to send a second message, she was more than capable of
looking him right in the eye and saying "I never opened the second one
until after I'd already contacted Susan." It'd be the truth, but a
lawyer's truth... 

"Too late now," Early mumbled and logged off. The ship's screen
announced he'd been online for six minutes and his account had been
charged $3.00. "Shit, three bucks spent to open my own personal can of
worms... at least Cynthia won't bill me for the can opener."

Early sighed deeply, closed the laptop on his chest and savored what he
feared would be the last peace he'd enjoy for a while as contents of
Pandora's spread its pestilen?e across the world. As he examined the
stars, the nature of his solitude seemed to change. The vast distances
didn't seem so much to isolate, as to insulate. Trouble was coming, but
even trouble needed time to find a solitary ship at sea. The heat of the
laptop felt like a comforting hot water bottle on his chest and without
intending to, Early fell asleep.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 7: The Trouble with Email


Early was rumpled, stiff and pissed long before dawn Friday morning.
He'd spent the whole night in the deck chair and at some point his
laptop had fallen off his chest to the steel deck and now it wouldn't
boot. It was fully backed up... at home. There wasn't anything he
needed, but it had provided a nice source of solitary entertainment,
and that was now gone. A steward had slipped a fax under his door
during the night from Cynthia. Receiving faxes was free, sending them
only required a nominal charge. The kind of charge that required you to
take out a multi-generational mortgage.



I called Susan to confirm her email address. She said to use the one
below and she would monitor it all day. Please don't keep her waiting.

Cyn



Early snorted, Yeah, you called her to 'confirm' my ass. I wonder just
how long that conversation lasted and just how long it took you to
start it? Still, with a broken laptop he had an excellent excuse to
postpone a conversation that looked even less desirable in the light of
day, especially at fifty cents a minute for email.

Early made his way the ship's internet café at 6:30 local time and
noted it was 9:30 in Seattle. At least this way Susan wouldn't have to
spend all day looking for his email, Early hated having to do that. He
sent the following message then wandered to La Veranda to see if some
breakfast would put him in a better mood.



Susan, 

I've been bothered by our last meeting and I wanted to ask you some
questions in private. However, I broke my laptop last night. So, unless
you're prepared to meet me at the Fanning Islands, they'll have to wait
until I can buy a new one in Tahiti. I didn't mean for Cyn to imply
there was any rush. I've just had too much idle time on this cruise.

Early



Early had put the entire matter out of his mind by the time he attended
a lecture about tiny Fanning Island, one of the most inaccessible places
on Earth. Saturday was another day at sea, and Early was able to read
for pleasure. An activity he hadn't done for years. He spent several
hours near the pool in a deck chair and took the opportunity to have
several casual conversations.

Sunday morning he awoke feeling more rested than he had in years. The
ship wasn't scheduled to drop anchor until 7:00 AM. Early went to the
Compass Rose restaurant for breakfast and was finished in time to watch
the anchor drop and several lifeboats lowered to serve as tenders to the
gorgeous island.

The last thing on Earth he expected to see as he stepped ashore a
little after eight Sunday morning for his "Independent exploration of
Fanning Island" was a smiling but exhausted-looking Susan.

"Good morning Early, I'm always prepared to meet you anytime and
anywhere you'll let me. I'd never heard of Fanning Island and I don't
know if you know they don't have an airport. I've never been on a
seaplane before, it was so exciting I think I'm going to pass on the
privilege of riding in one for the rest of my life. There's an empty
cabin on the ship I've rented and I'll stay in it if you don't want to
see me after our talk, but I'd rather be staked out for fire ants than
fly in that little plane again. Please say I don't have to go back by
seaplane." There was real pleading and fear in her eyes.

Early was speechless, and he couldn't decide if he was mad or not. He
didn't recall exactly what he'd emailed, but the rhetorical question
probably could be construed as an invitation, but only by someone as
devious as Cynthia. "You look like you've been put through the wringer,
why don't you go on board and rest up. We sail at noon, if you're not
awake by lunch, we can have a private dinner in my suite tonight and
talk."

Susan's whole face lit up, and Early realized that she must have
thought he had one of those normal cruise ship cabins, not one that you
could play hide and seek in. As he trudged off, Early couldn't figure
out why he'd invited her into his personal space. A quick check of his
emotions confirmed that he wasn't feeling any more interested in her
than he had been for the last three years. He certainly wasn't still in
love with her. She'd destroyed that by her adultery.

As he walked around the tropical paradise, at least a paradise to those
who didn't have to make a living here, he realized that he actually had
reached a place where he wanted answers more than he wanted to avoid
her. He would have preferred to get those answers via impersonal
emails, but he had inadvertently left open the option for her to meet
him in person. Damn it, that "join me had" been a rhetorical question.
Which gave him the perfect first question, just how the hell did she
get here? A jet to Hawaii would have been easy, but where did she get
the seaplane from and how did she get there? It has to be close to a
thousand miles from here to Hawaii and that little seaplane I saw
taking off didn't have that kind of range. This took some careful
planning and a lot of money. She's got to know that she's not going to
like the questions I want to ask, why the hell did she go to all this
trouble to be asked in person?

The ship weighed anchor a few minutes after noon and Early wondered
briefly if he should try to check for Susan before he went to lunch.
Since he didn't want to eat one of the more formal dining rooms he went
to the buffet at the Compass Rose. After lunch he spent almost three
hours in the fitness center. He needed the exercise, both because of
all the extra calories and also to work off some of the stress he'd
been building as he thought about the meeting this evening.

After a cool-down run of a mile on the track around deck twelve,
overlooking the pool on deck eleven, Early retired to his suite and
took a long shower. The suite had two bathrooms and after Kristin and
Mark left he'd been using both so it didn't seem so wasteful.

Early contacted his steward and arranged for dinner. Tonight was
Country Club Casual which meant you didn't have to wear a coat and tie
to dinner. Early had gotten to the point that he enjoyed dressing up a
bit to go to dinner so if he were going to miss the dining room
experience this was a good night to do it. As he was making the
arrangements, he also told his steward to notify Susan about the time
and that while they'd be eating in his suite, dress would be casual as
well.

At 7:30 on the dot there was a knock on the door. When he opened it he
saw Susan and the dinner cart. She looked rested and fresh. Her hair
and make-up were so perfect Early didn't notice them. What he did
notice was the causal elegance that had always attracted him to her.
With the crooked grin he loved she said, "Early, I waited for food to
show up before I knocked. I know you understand I'm so nervous I'm
about to come out of my skin, but could we please eat before you begin
your cross examination?"

Early smiled back and ushered everyone into his suite. Since it was
already dark, Early directed the meal to be set up in his interior
dining room rather than on his porch. In less than five minutes the
whole spread had been laid out and the stage set for an intimate
dinner. Early immediately recognized his mistake; it set the wrong
atmosphere, but there wasn't a gracious way to avoid it now.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 8: The Conversation Part 1


During dinner Susan kept the conversation flowing with a very funny
narrative of her adventures traveling to meet the ship. Early didn't
want to think about what it cost, but it reminded him of an episode of
Phileas Fogg's Around the World in Eighty Days. "Early, I know you
loved that David Niven movie, and the truth is, that after a bit my
competitive juices kicked in just to see i? I could pull the whole
thing off. I intended to meet you on the quay and say something like
'since I was in the neighborhood, ' but that float plane... I thought
it was cool for about a hundred feet during take-off, but if it had
taken another second to get into the air I would have aborted the whole
thing. I actually wet my pants when we landed. I just barely had time to
change to meet you and no time at all to recover. I can't tell you how
much I appreciate you giving me the time to gather my wits.

"Now, I'm ready to answer any and all questions as honestly as I can. I
just want you to know that I'm not trying to evade anything if I say I
have to think about what you're asking. I want you have the truth as
best I can give it."

Susan sat back with her hands in her lap, looking like a school girl
taking a verbal exam. A second ago Early had been relaxed, basking in
the glow of good food and good company. Now in a little more than a
heartbeat all that was behind him. For a second he almost lost his
nerve but then blurted, "Why did you cheat on me with him?"

Susan's face twisted up in pain and she appeared to be searching for
the right words. Finally she leaned forward and put her hands on the
table and said softly, "Oh Early, I so prayed that you knew. I'm so
tempted to lie because this is going to hurt you. I just hope you'll
let me explain, not for my sake but for yours. You don't know that
cheated on you dozens of times do you?"

If Susan hadn't looked so pained, so sorry, Early might have responded
differently. It almost felt like it had that night when he'd been
looking at a darkened and empty kitchen she claimed to be cleaning.
He'd known she'd been lying then, now he knew he was hearing the truth.
As he struggled to find something to say Susan continued. Her eyes were
blinking back tears but her voice was steady as she continued. "Early,
I've never been faithful to anyone in my whole life. You are the only
man I've ever loved, and it tears me apart to admit this to you, but if
I lie by pretending it was only that one time, I'll come of looking so
much better than I am."

She was studying his face again, trying to get some clue as to how he
was responding. The problem was that Early couldn't give her a clue
because he couldn't understand himself. "I'm not a slut and I'm not
some sort of nymphomaniac. I told you I would never be with another man
and I haven't, but you deserve to know just what a horrible person you
married.

"It started with my first. It wasn't my boyfriend; I was cheating on
him because I was mad at him because... I don 't suppose why I was mad
matters, but I discovered I loved the feeling of being with someone for
the first time. When we discussed our lovers, I told you I'd had three
lovers. That was true. What I didn't tell you was that I cheated on
them... I probably had twice as many sex partners as I did lovers."

"Only five." Early blurted. One of the most painful discoveries he'd
made as he was preparing to divorce Susan was that she'd lied about how
many men she'd been sexually active with. It had been a hurtful,
unnecessary and unexplainable lie.

Susan looked puzzled, then contemplative as if she were counting. "Yes,
yes that's right, but if you knew about them..."

Early felt the oddest mixture of smug pride and embarrassment over
reading her private diaries. When he explained Susan continued, "I
don't know if I made it clear that all of those men were one time
only--not really one night stands and not really revenge fucks, more
like morale boosters in a way.

"It was different when I cheated on you, but the effect was the same.
The only exception to the pattern was John Stickner... sort of. It's
part of why I couldn't let you think that he was the only one."

Early felt his temper begin to rise, "Surly you know how this makes me
feel about you?"

Early could see Susan's broken heart in her eyes, "I know Early, it
murders my most cherished fantasy. I love pretending, daydreaming
really, that you knew everything through that detective you hired and
might want to work past all this w?th me. Oh, I know it was a fantasy,
I wouldn't allow someone like me in my life again if I were you." She
took a deep breath, sighed, then looked back up into Early's eyes. "It
doesn't alter the fact that you need to forgive me so you can get on
with your life."

Before Early could explode she hastened to add, "Forgiving me doesn't
mean you have to take me back, or have me in your life. I don't expect
that, like I said, it was a fantasy. What I have to do is help you get
past your love of me to indifference. The opposite of love isn't hate,
it's indifference. As long as you hate me, you're connected to me. When
you can get past that, then I won't be a factor in your happiness, and
more than anything I want you happy..."

She broke down and cried softly for a few minutes. Early had the
strongest impulse to take her in his arms and comfort her. She must
have sensed it because she held out her hand to hold him at bay.
"Early, please know this is by far the hardest thing I've ever tried to
do. I swore I wouldn't cry. I've spent hours on my knees praying for the
strength to do this without making it harder on you. I know letting you
see my pain hurts you. You're a good man, Early. It can't be any other
way.

"Early, I beg you to let me finish this. I think it'll help you, but I
just can't right now. I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Please, let
me meet you someplace tomorrow, it'll give you some time to absorb what
I've told you and give me time to recover."

Early felt like a straw whirling in the vortex of a F5 tornado. With
that image came one of the common anomalies found after the strongest
of tornados had past. It was common to find bits of straw, or even
grass, half buried in telephone poles. Early knew that the wind didn't
actually drive the straw into the pole. The low pressure of the tornado
opened to fibers of the pole and straw just lodged there as the pole
contracted again. Early shook his head to clear the trivia. The physics
of it didn't matter; what mattered was that in an emotional storm like
this, impossible things happened. As he watched Susan's pain, it
touched him in impossible ways. Ways he didn't want to be touched, and
although finding answers to his questions seemed more urgent now than
ever, he wanted distance right now, too.

Straining to keep the emotion out of his voice he said, "I think that's
a good idea. Tomorrow is a day at sea. Perhaps we can find a quiet place
to meet after lunch."

Susan's face brightened. "Thank you, Early. I appreciate this. Could we
meet at the Latitudes at noon? I'll have my act together, and I have to
confess I'm looking forward to trying some of the restaurants on this
ship."

Early hadn't intended to ask her to join him for lunch, but didn't see
an easy way to un-invite her. "Okay, Latitudes requires a reservation,
I'll make them for us at noon... " Early was struggling for a way to
ask not to see her before then when Susan again showed her remarkable
ability to read him.

"Don't worry, Early, I'll make myself scarce until lunch. I would like
to use the gym just before lunch, about ten if that's okay?"

Early nodded that it was, and without another word Susan quietly let
herself out of the suite. Early retired to his private porch to commune
with the stars and with whatever being was out there. The longer he
stayed the madder he got... He just couldn't decide who he was mad at
and exactly why he was furious. His ex-wife was a slut and a whore, by
her own admission she'd cheated on him dozens of times, but he'd
divorced her and that should have balanced the books. He was mad as
hell that she was on the ship, yet he'd invited her, sort of, and he
really wanted to hear the rest of her story.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 9: The Conversation Part 2


It was well after three in the morning when he'd finally worked out why
he was so mad. That damn bitch was robbing him of the illusion of the
happy marriage he'd thought he'd had. She had made a fool of him for
years and that made him mad as hell. What robbed his s?eep though was
anger at himself that he still cared about what she had done and why.
He didn't love her, that was certain, but he felt a deep need to
understand what had happened, why he'd been so wrong about the most
important relationship in his life.

Even Early's sour mood couldn't destroy the epicurean's delight they
were served at lunch. By mutual agreement last night's discussion
wasn't mentioned until they'd left the restaurant and were strolling
the ship looking for an isolated corner for a private chat.

As they strolled they discovered vast empty spaces, whole lounges as
empty as a honky-tonk at breakfast, but Early couldn't settle and they
walked on making small talk. Finally, Susan said, "Early, my cheating
never humiliated you or made you less of a man. I know that technically
I made you a cuckold, but you never accepted it, not even for a second,
and it doesn't reflect on you at all, except perhaps because you looked
at me through the lens of love and didn't see what a horrible person I
really am. In your defense, no one else ever knew either. I never felt
the need to 'share' my stupidity with my girlfriends or with anyone
else. Not one of the men I cheated with ever knew my name, much less
yours. You never saw them and they never had anything to lord over you.
Not that you have to believe me, but I've never had a sex partner whose
skills put them in your universe, much less in your class.

"My cheating had nothing to do with you, but only with the rottenness
of my character. I was very careful, except with John, never to do
anything that might be discovered by you. There were always days
between the time I was with someone else and when I was with you. I
never gave you sloppy seconds or anything like that. I never thought
about any sex partner when I was with you, never, not a single time. I
did think about you every time I was with someone else. I think that
was one reason that the actual sex was never very good. Oh, and I
certainly never did anything with a sex partner, that's what I called
them, and how I thought of them, not really men, just sex partners. I
never did anything sexually with them that I refused to do with you.
The only position was standard missionary.

"Early, you have nothing to hang your head about. I'm a smart woman and
a skilled liar, I'm a lawyer, and I'm trained to hide my real feelings
which I did well. You need to understand that you're the 100% victim
here. My bad behavior began years before I ever met you and the only
reason you caught me was because I was actually trying not to be
involved with John."

Early whirled on her, "So you thought no harm no foul? What I didn't
know wouldn't hurt me? What about AIDS or a hundred other things..."

Susan gripped Early's arms, "Yes, to an extent I thought 'no harm, no
foul.' I was that stupid, but I had had years of experience that PROVED
I would never get caught. Early, I'm not trying to justify what I did. I
will suffer the rest of my life for it and I will never complain that my
punishment is unfair. The major reason was that I just didn't think of
what I was doing as cheating on you. You weren't any part of it. I said
the words 'forsaking all others, ' but I never meant them. I would never
have agreed to an open marriage, but after thinking about it for the
years since that weekend with John, I'm sure I would not have accepted
you doing what I did either. It's not logical and I wasn't fair. I was
a selfish bitch and awfully stupid for such a smart woman."

Early felt his blood pressure rising, "And you think I should just
forgive you and pretend none of this ever happened? Well that's..."

"Early! You do have to forgive me, you don't have to pretend it didn't
happen, you don't even have to let me try to make it up. I don't mean
by marrying me either, I mean by making you whole. That was a terrible
letter; my only excuse is that I was dying inside while I wrote it, but
there were a lot of things I got right even back then. I didn't mean to
try to manipulate you, it was... I guess I was trying manipulate you
but I didn't expect yo? to come back to me. Even then I knew that
wouldn't be best for you and I want what is best for you more than I
want anything else."

Early felt his guts twist. He was engaged in a sort of emotional judo.
Every time he lashed out at her, he felt like he was kicking a puppy,
and his self-disgust out-weighed any pleasure the emotional hitting may
have brought him. And most frustrating to him, he didn't think he was
any closer to understanding the answers he so desperately wanted.
"Susan, in the simplest terms you can, why did you cheat on me?"

Susan looked up at him, her eyes full of love and sadness. "Early,
until you understand it wasn't simple you won't understand my answers.
The closest to simple was Stickner. He was putting pressure on me to
reward him for his help. I had some vague plan to turn the tables on
him; he was a pretty slimy creature, but for heaven's sake I had all
the family money to be totally independent. For that matter I could
take him on in a sexual harassment suit that would have ruined him. I
agreed to break my own rules because I wanted to make sure that he
would never reveal what we did and he wouldn't hit on someone else who
didn't have my resources. He was the only person I ever spent the night
with besides you, and that includes my old lovers. I had wired the room
we were going to be in that night, but he wouldn't have gone if I
hadn't agreed to all the stuff we did at his house first. I'm so sorry
you had to see that.

"No, all that is the flimsiest cover on the real reason, I wanted to
see what it was like to be with someone who used other people sexually
like I did. It was worse than horrible by the way. Oh, the sex was
almost adequate, but if he'd been a lover he would have been the worst.
That's part of what made it so bad. It was the only time I had ever felt
like I was cheating. When we talked on the phone that first time, when I
lied to you, my stomach hurt. I'd like to say I'd decided to change to
stop fucking around before you caught me, before I knew the
consequences, but I can't honestly swear that he would have been the
last one. After Stickner I would have stopped, but I don't know that I
would never have started again. Early, can you see what an awful person
you were married to? Can you see how much better you are off without me
as your wife? Why did I cheat? Because I was a cheater and I didn't
value my vows. Because I loved the tension of..."

She turned away, crying again. Early had to hold one hand with the
other, knuckles turning white, to keep from taking her in his arms to
comfort her. He hated her yet it hurt to see her hurting. It bothered
him to hear her talk about herself the way she did--he felt an impulse
to defend her. At the same time he wanted to rail at her, to call her
every vile name he could conjure up. Turning on his heel Early marched
off, leaving a sobbing Susan leaning over a railing.

By dinner time Early knew that he was releasing some of the anger that
left his muscles twitching. That anger had been a constant part of him
since he first saw the private detective's pictures. He was relieved
that he didn't see her in Signatures that evening, although a small
part of him wanted to lash out and tell her to stay out of his way, a
part he couldn't understand wanted to hear more, to understand. Have I
become a glutton for punishment or what?

The next day the ship re-lived Monday all over again as they crossed
the International Date Line. Early spent much of the day in his suite
just thinking and trying to understand why he was reacting the way he
was.

On Tuesday May 2nd they arrived at Bora Bora right on schedule at 9:00
AM. Early left with the first group but didn't take the excursion he'd
booked. Instead he set off wandering and soon found himself in the
poorest section of the island. He was struck by two things--first the
squalor of third world poverty. But it was what he noticed second that
had the stronger emotional impact. He saw little scenes of people who
were laughing, who seemed happy despite their poverty. The irony wasn't
lost on him. In the?hierarchy of the ship, his cabin suite placed him at
the pinnacle of wealth and luxury, yet these people whose lifetime
earnings probably wouldn't pay for his twenty-seven-night cruise seemed
so much happier than he.

And all because a cheating bitch decided to dump me...  Early paused in
mid-thought. He'd dumped Susan she hadn't dumped him! She'd never wanted
the divorce, she wanted... 

Early had continued walking but now stopped dead in his tracks. She had
been the one to throw the marriage away. By cheating on him, right from
the start she'd never valued their marriage, never valued him! She had
never put him first, she'd never forsaken all others... He'd done what
he could to punish her, but now looking honestly at the situation he
understood that a major reason he hadn't been able to move on was
because he hated being dumped, especially when he didn't understand it.

This whole cheating from before they'd even met didn't make any sense.
He believed her, but it was just so out of character with everything
else he thought he knew about her. Forsaking all others meant so much
more than not having sex outside of the marriage. It meant that your
spouse would be the most important person in your life. More important
than your parents, more important than your children... He'd always
been sure Susan had done that. She'd shown in so many ways by her
actions that he did place his happiness above her own... except...
except... The pain of her betrayal had receded over time, but the pain
of having her shred the most important relationship of his whole life
hadn't faded even a smidgen.

Susan had forced him to throw her out; she had understood that he
wouldn't tolerate another man in their marriage, but even though she
gave, and had always given, every indication that she wanted their
marriage as much as he, she'd made it impossible. She hadn't attempted
to excuse her behavior with psychobabble about being a sex addict or
any other such nonsense, but... but why did she feel the need to cheat?
Early still didn't understand, and it made his guts twist.

Early spent the next three days involved in doing tourist stuff, first
on Moorea then at Papeete. He did some sightseeing, the obligatory
para-sailing, but he spent as much time as he could snorkeling. One of
the things that Early had learned on this trip was that he loved
snorkeling. He knew that the tour boat operators fed the fish at the
same locations every time to draw fish, but then so did deer lease
operators. What was important was that it felt like you were swimming
in an aquarium.

Over his life, Early had made many attempts to have an aquarium. He
shuddered to think about how much he'd spent trying to have one. At one
point he was buying 25 Neons a week while cleaning his tank every other
day. Some people have a green thumb and others a talent for raising
fish... Susan had a talent for both. Their garden had always been
beautiful, and she'd had a gorgeous aquarium before they married.

By that time Early had given up years earlier, and in a rare pique had
told her he didn't really like private aquariums. Truthfully, he'd been
afraid he'd kill them and didn't want the responsibility of trying to
maintain Susan's beloved fish. Susan had given her aquarium away and
never mentioned it. How can a woman love me enough to give away her
favorite hobby, yet cheat on me?

During his last snorkeling on Thursday morning in Papeete, Early knew
that he had to finish the conversation he'd started with Susan. He'd
decided he'd have to force himself to forego the once in a lifetime
opportunity to browse the native shops in Nuku Hiva... balanced against
that shopping opportunity, meeting an ex-wife didn't seem quite as
distasteful.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday was a day at sea and a formal dinner. Early decided that he'd
take Susan to dinner, she'd always loved to dress up. After some
dancing they'd be able to have the talk with a pleasant social evening
to cushion the hardness that would follow.

Early was strolling in one of the m?riad lounges waiting for Susan to
join him for their 8:00 dinner reservation. When he caught sight of her
in her formal gown it took his breath away. It also made his heart ache.
To see such a magnificent creature and to know that she was once his.

Early offered his arm and was very aware of heads turning as he
escorted her to their table. Tonight they were dining alone at a table
not far from the grand piano being played by a performance artist who
played difficult pieces with flashy cross hand movements. Her
repertoire was eclectic to say the least. She alternated current hits
with classics by Chopin and Brahms. The dinner menu included lobster
tails, and the waiter made a show of removing the meat from the shell.
The meat was perfect, and when the waiter asked in a conspiratorial
tone if he would like more, Early eagerly agreed to not only a second
tail, but a third.

It was a choice he almost regretted a little later when they were
dancing in the aft lounge. The ship encountered a squall, and for the
first time on the entire voyage it began to sway both from side to side
and to corkscrew up and down. At first it was just a minor hindrance to
Early's less than accomplished dancing. Susan, always the better dancer
pretended not to notice when Early trod on her feet, but even her skill
was taxed when he managed to trip her. Early, grimly determined to
ignore the gyrations of the ship, acknowledged defeat when his stomach
announced that barring some sort of action, the lobster tails were
coming back for a re-match. Based on his experience in smaller boats,
Early sought a place were he could see the motion of the sea.

Early leaned on the rail overlooking the nearly empty pool through the
rain-splattered glass. They were the only ones in lounge on deck
twelve, the top of the ship. For the entire cruise, the ship had been
so stable that Early had been disappointed with the lack of feeling of
being at sea. Now, Early watched as three foot waves rocked in the
indoor pool on deck eleven. Susan was standing right beside him. They
couldn't hear the wind howling, but as they'd passed the outdoor pool
they'd watched several deck chairs take flight before the attendants
could gather and secure them. The bit of fresh air had handled the
insipient sea sickness, called mal de mar by the ship's crew to make
the horrible condition sound classy. Watching the ship and the water in
the pool, quieted the rest of the protests from Early's inner ear about
the wrongness of this world at sea.

The setting seemed perfect to discuss the tumultuous end of their
marriage. Turning to Susan Early said, "I'm finding it hard to believe
that you never considered that your cheating would ruin our marriage.
You're too smart to not given that thought."

Susan turned as well, and looked up at Early with guileless eyes.
"Early, my cheating was highly compartmentalized. I never considered
stopping, so my thought pattern was more 'How do I make certain that
Early never finds out about this part of me.' It was something to be
hidden, not given up. It was as if I had a secret drug habit to hide
from you, but that makes it sound like some sort of addiction.

"I had full control of what I did and I could have stopped at any
point. I should have stopped; hell I did stop, after it was too late
and it wasn't hard at all. I guess a better analogy would be if I were
a closet sky-diver or bungee-jumper. The thrill for me ended as soon as
the sex started." She stopped and looked deeply into Early's eyes.

Early waited until she continued, "The first element was the hunt.
Except that first time when I lost my virginity, I never actively
sought out a sex partner. If the conditions were right, you were out of
town or I was, and someone who looked acceptable approached... I guess
that's not completely honest, I'd place myself in a circumstance where
what I wanted to happen could happen. It was actually very elaborate.
I'd find an excellent reason to be at a place away from our normal
haunts. Like meeting a client at the Hilton at the airport. I'd go
early and see if any?ne I thought was acceptable hit on me. If they
did, I'd rebuff them publicly but get their phone number sub-rosa. Then
if they were from out of town and married, I'd have them get a room at
the Plaza.

"You know I love that restaurant and it's on their top floor. It's not
far from my office and if anyone saw me there alone and mentioned it to
you, you wouldn't be suspicious. Depending on the timing, I would either
stop by the sex partner's room before or after a dinner. The interludes
never took long..."

Early interrupted, "I feel like I've been dropped down Alice's rabbit
hole. 'The interludes never took long!' What the hell where you doing
throwing away our marriage on something that didn't even matter to
you?"

Susan had a firm but soothing voice, "I had no intention of throwing
our marriage away. The sex partner always wore condoms, and I took
every precaution not to get caught. I know how stupid this all sounds;
I've lived with the insanity of it for three years now. I was doing it
for the thrill I got by making myself vulnerable to a stranger, to the
danger of the situation. It really did have more in common with bungee
jumping than sex. Early, I was doing it for that emotion I felt when I
took off my clothes in front of a man to have sex. I was doing it for
the special vulnerability I felt when I opened myself to allow him to
enter me. Once he was in me, the thrill was gone and I just wanted the
whole thing over.

"I told you that I never thought about them when I was with you, but I
frequently pretended one of them was you when I was a with them. It
makes what I did ever so much worse. I didn't even realize it at the
time. I was betraying you, your trust, I was taking chances with my
life and your happiness, all for a momentary thrill. It wasn't a
sickness, or some sort of mental disorder, it was just a cheap thrill."

Early was having a hard time absorbing what Susan had said. It would
have been one thing to throw something as valuable as their
relationship away for another relationship, but this... This was
throwing pearls before swine. She hadn't valued fidelity enough not to
throw it away over affairs. "It was sexual, you had sex with those men
and you shared an experience that should have been mine alone. How many
were there anyway?"

Susan looked up at him, her eyes unflinching, "It was sex, betrayal,
adultery, cheating; it was intolerable and there's no way you would
have put up with it or accepted it. I could never respect you if you
had been willing to let me do what I was doing. That's the point of all
my being here Early. You were right to divorce me and you're right to
not let me come back. The only thing that isn't right is to keep
holding on to your anger at me for destroying something precious, not
our marriage, but your image of our marriage. I wish I had been the
person you thought I was, but I wasn't. You need to put me behind you.
I want to finish this cruise, Early, but to finish it as friends who
made a mistake in getting married but corrected it with a divorce and
can now be friends again."

She searched his eyes, "I don't think that'll work though. I think I'll
need to leave the ship at Nuku Hiva tomorrow and fly home. I think that
will be easier on you. It'll give you a week alone to absorb what I've
told you. When you get back to Seattle, you can give me a call if
there's anything else you want to cover. Or if you like to tear my hide
off for what I did to you, or anything else that will help you move on
with your life."

Early felt a bitterness well up inside him, "Is that it? Is this what
it all boils down to? I made a mistake marrying the wrong person and
now I'm supposed to go out and find the right one?"

Early could see Susan trying to keep the sadness out of her face,
"Early, I wish it were more, but sometimes there just aren't any big
causes. I presented you with all my best sides. I'm smart, I can make
you laugh, I'm not hard on the eyes, and I was devoted to you
totally--except monogamy, which I hid. The cross I have to bear is
knowing that when I chose between a good life a?d a cheap thrill, I
chose to ruin two lives. I can't fix mine, but I need to try to help
you fix yours.

"In that vein, I'll do anything that helps you. I read in a story once
about a man who would spend an hour a day venting at his wife for her
cheating. She wasn't allowed to answer or respond in any way. She just
had to listen to him. The idea was that it let the husband release some
of his pain and let him know that she understood. We're not married, but
if you ever feel the need to just vent, I'll always be willing to
listen. I'll answer or just absorb as you want. Early, I've hurt you. I
didn't mean to, but that's no excuse. I can't think of anything that I
wouldn't do to try to make it better for you."

The squall seemed to be losing its power, but Early's emotions weren't
calmed in the least. He couldn't imagine that he'd ever want to see
Susan after what he'd learned, but it was possible that railing and
ranting at some point might make him feel better. For now, he was just
relieved that she was leaving the ship. This was a huge ship, but too
small a place to avoid someone who wasn't chained to her cabin. It
violated Early's sense of fairness to ask Susan or anyone else to stay
in their cabin while sailing on this slice of paradise.

Susan left the ship right after they docked at noon the next day. Early
cancelled his shore excursion and stayed in his cabin until they sailed
five hours later. Nuku Hiva was their last port of call. They would
spend the next week at sea arriving back in LA on Saturday. Early
watched from one of the stern lounges as the island fell behind them.
Shortly before dark it looked like a low cloud on the horizon. It
seemed some sort of metaphor for his relationship with Susan, but he
couldn't decide exactly what.

He'd loved Susan, but it had been like this cruise, a dream. He'd loved
someone who didn't exist and who caused him more pain than he thought
possible for a human to endure. Yet a question kept niggling at the far
reaches of his mind. Knowing what he knew now, would he do it all over
again? Did the good outweigh the bad? On balance was their marriage
something to be remembered fondly, or something to be erased to the
extent possible? Being honest, he had been happy, but it had been a
lie... Images and memories swirled in Early's brain, the good
contaminating the bad... sorting them out seemed an insurmountable
problem... but Early was an excellent problem solver.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 10: A Different Sort of Talk


Six Days Later:

Early was again standing behind the windshield on deck twelve where he
and Susan had their last talk. For the second time on the trip they
were encountering rough weather. They were due in LA in the morning,
and the captain had been very apologetic that they couldn't avoid the
storm and still dock on schedule. Early had been daunted by the task of
getting all his stuff back into his suitcases and ready for pickup
before midnight. He'd called his steward to find out the deadline and
had quickly accepted the steward's offer to let him pack for Early.
Early only packed a carry-on for what he would need in LA.

That unpleasant task delegated, Early had vacated his suite to get out
of the way. The weather made any activity on the open decks impossible.
The combination of the weather making the decks uncomfortable and
everyone's need to pack gave the ship a empty feeling. Restless, Early
had finally gone back to deck twelve to watch the winds and the waves.
Mal de mar wasn't a concern this time because Early had taken some
Dramamine as soon as the captain had recommended that guests might want
to consider medication before the ship encountered the storm.

No, Early's stomach wasn't what had him at the highest point of the
ship this late afternoon watching the angry ocean doing its best to
disrupt or destroy the ship. No, it was the storm in Early's soul, a
storm even more violent than the twenty to twenty-five foot waves,
driven by gale force winds, crashing over the bow.

Early had spent the l?st six days alternating between quiet meditation,
serious introspection about his life and what he wanted from it, and
blinding anger. For the first day or so after Susan left, Early hadn't
been fit company for man nor beast. While Susan was there, he'd been
unable to absorb the breadth of her betrayal. With her gone, for the
first time Early understood how some spouses could commit murder. His
fertile imagination produced repeated images of Susan taking off her
clothes for other men, of her opening herself to accept their cocks
into her. Early was so furious that several times he picked up the
ship-to-shore phone to call her and vent, only to be deterred by
remembering that it would still cost him $7.50 a minute.

Sometime after lunch on the second day, when Early was jogging around
the track on deck twelve, he stopped and looked over the bow. Asking
himself for the ten millionth time why the images should bother him.
For the ten millionth and first time he told himself that it was
history, in the past, and should be of no concern. Then he asked
himself to imagine Susan meeting someone now, right this minute in her
apartment. Undressing for someone right that instant, preparing to fuck
some asshole as he stood looking at the impossibly blue water of the
Pacific Ocean.

It was the pain of his death grip on the railing that brought a new
clarity. He didn't want Susan fucking anyone, now or in the future. He
hadn't realized that he'd been comforted by the portion of her letter
that said she was going to be celibate. Being with other women hadn't
bothered him, why would Susan's celibacy mean anything? Why did his gut
tighten at the very thought of her with another? Early had always been
honest with himself; it disturbed him to discover that being honest
with yourself about how you feel didn't always mean you knew how you
felt. In his honesty, Early had to face his ambivalences.

Early was a problem solver, but in the days since he'd had that insight
about Susan's celibacy he hadn't been able solve the problem of Susan.
He had clarified his emotions. He knew he hated what she'd done, and he
knew he would never share her with others. He understood that he still
loved her. Rather he loved the person he had thought she was. Perhaps
because she hadn't said the words, "I've changed," all his instincts
told him she had changed, had become in fact the woman he had thought
he'd been married to. The woman he wanted as a wife, the mother of his
children. He knew he wanted to start over, but he also knew that she
didn't deserve a second chance. Hell, it wouldn't be a second chance
but closer to a twentieth chance depending on how many lovers... no sex
partners she'd had during their marriage.

He was most conflicted about trust. By her actions she proved beyond
any doubt that she couldn't be trusted. Yet by her actions she showed
she was being honest with him... if he could believe her. Being able to
make decisions and stick by them was one of Early's strengths, yet now,
when he needed to make a choice in his own life, he felt like a
tightrope walker half way across a swaying wire.

"It's quite a blow out there; it almost reminds me of when I was in the
Navy."

Early turned to see a white-haired, rotund gentleman with a kindly face
walk up beside him. He continued, "I hope you don't mind the company,
but this is the best place to watch the storm, and I always feel more
comfortable if I can see what's coming. I've always had a love-hate
relationship with storms. The smaller the ships the stronger the
relationship."

Early smothered his irritation and realized he welcomed the
distraction. "What sort of ships did you serve on?"

The man smiled, looked at Early then continued in a breezy fashion, "I
was always stationed on larger ships, carriers or guided missile
cruisers, but my job would take me to every ship in the carrier group.
I got stuck in a little destroyer during a hurricane once; I wasn't
allowed to come up to the bridge very often, and when I did I regretted
it. I saw waves roll over the oh-four deck. I swear the ship would ?e
completely under water, then quiver like a cold, wet dog as it worked
its way back to the surface, get hit by a new wave and start all over
again. I heard the XO order a work party to check that all the exterior
doors were double-dogged-down, because if one came open we'd sink like a
rock.

"The only other time I was ever that scared was in a category 5 typhoon
on a carrier. The stupid admiral actually ordered the carrier group into
the center of the thing quote 'for training purposes' close quote. I
swear I saw waves break over the flight deck! That's about ten stories
up on a normal day. I may have been the only one on board that saw it,
but I swear I did!"

Early chuckled, the man had an engaging voice and an uncanny ability to
make those around him feel at ease. "So what are you doing on a long
cruise like this, didn't get enough in the Navy?"

"Oh, I got enough of the Navy's style of cruising, and letting women
serve aboard ship just made it that much harder for me to be at sea
without my wife. We've been married forty years; this cruise was a way
to celebrate that. I'm Jim Martin by the way, I'm retired Navy, but
I've never lost my interest in meeting new people or going to new
places. What brought you aboard? You're quite the mystery man you know.
Ensconced in the biggest cabin in the ship but all alone. Never
socializing with anyone except that equally mysterious woman who showed
up from nowhere and then disappeared. Oh yes, the gossips aboard ship
have been having a field day with you."

The man's delivery and timing would have intimidated a stand up comic.
Any possible sting of his actual words were lost in the humor of his
presentation. Yet Early did have to pause to let them sink in. He
always ate with others, except for the occasional meal in his suite,
but he'd never been very forthcoming with information beyond the
"what's your name, where are you from and what do you do for a living"
sort of questions that normally led to small talk.

"That was no mysterious woman, that was my ex-wife!" Early tried to put
a Groucho Marx voice to the comment, but his heart wasn't in it.

The old man was silent for a bit, then in a gentle voice asked, "Do you
want to talk about it? I don't mean to intrude..."

Early started to defer, but instead he began to talk to the stranger.
He rationalized that he'd never see the man again, and sometimes just
talking a problem out with another human could give him insight.

The two men talked for hours. It hadn't taken Early long to realize
that he was dealing with someone who was an expert in dealing with
human relationships. Jim Martin might look like a kindly old man, but
he was a wicked inquisitor who seemed to be able to keep digging until
he got to the heart of the matter. He used humor and mis-direction to
keep his victims off balance. Even as Early became aware, indeed
admiring the man's technique, he found that he did want to open up to
the man. He shared thoughts and histories that he'd never shared with
another living soul, and felt good about doing it.

Finally, after they'd moved so they could see the sun setting beyond
the stern of the ship, Jim said, "Early, you know she doesn't deserve
your love or your forgiveness, yet you want to do both. I don't want to
get all religious on you at this late date but what you're really
struggling with is the basis of Christianity, grace. Christianity is
the only religion where man doesn't have to 'get right with God' but
God made the sacrifice to balance the scales for man. What man has to
do is receive his grace. It's one of the hardest things in the world
for a real man to accept. There is nothing we can do, on our own, to
make things right with God. All we can do is receive his sacrifice or
reject it.

"Early, you are in a God-like situation with your ex. There is nothing
she can do now or in the future to make things right with you. You can
extend grace to her or not. Then, regardless of her response, you can
feel good about what you have done, and go with your future. Certainly,
if she isn't prepared to change her ways, then?it's pretty clear that
she doesn't want your grace, but your permission. Which would never
work, by the way, not for you, not based on what you've told me about
yourself.

"Early, I've got to go get ready for dinner and the farewell party. My
wife is going to make me wear my monkey suit tonight. She wanted me to
wear my old formal uniform complete with gold cummerbund; fortunately
my civilian spread has made that impossible. Still, after all this fine
food, I might need to find a girdle to get into what I did bring. Would
you care to join us?"

Early thought about it, Jim was a man he wanted to spend time with, but
ultimately he wanted to spend time alone thinking about all the things
that he'd said. Getting dressed up for a farewell party just didn't
appeal to him. He had kept to himself most of the trip and he liked the
symmetry of being able to put his old life behind him with the end of
this trip. He simply needed to decide what he wanted to do with his new
life. Jim had given him something new to think about and Early had
always done his best thinking alone.

"You've given me a lot to think about, I think I'm going to pass on the
whole gala tonight. I'll probably order into my stateroom and see if the
steward needs any help getting me all packed."

Jim gave him a penetrating look then said, "It might take a bit for you
to work through all of this, if you want to talk some more give me a
call. Here, let me give you my card. You're a good man, Early, and I
miss working with good men since I retired."

Early accepted the card and nodded, a bit embarrassed by the praise,
and returned to his suite to find that his efficient steward had not
only packed everything but that the suitcases had been whisked off as
well. Barring a problem at immigration, Early wouldn't see them again
until he landed in Seattle.

The next morning Early was up early. When he'd asked his well-tipped
steward about what time he'd be able to leave in the morning. That
worthy had told him, with a grin, that since he was in the Master's
suite he'd probably have to wait until they docked, but if he didn't
want to wait that long he could go ashore with the pilot boat.

Early had checked on flights to Seattle and discovered that if he could
indeed get off early he might be able to make Alaska Airline's flight
245 at a little after ten and be home for lunch around one. As much as
he'd enjoyed his time on this floating luxury liner, Early wanted to
get to Seattle and talk to Susan face to face. At least half his
urgency was uncertainty about what he would do and how he would react
when he encountered her.

Early was reminded of an old movie he'd seen. He couldn't remember who
starred in it, perhaps Audrey Hepburn. She'd been faced with a dilemma
about the truthfulness of the man she was falling for, and someone put
forward the old riddle about lying Dirty-foot tribe and truthful
clean-foot tribe. Dirty-feet couldn't tell the truth and Clean-feet
couldn't lie. The actress wasn't interested in the riddle, only the
truth and said she'd probably look at their feet, the correct answer to
the riddle was to ask one what a member of the other tribe would say.
The answer would always be untrue. Early knew that Susan could deceive
him. How could he ever trust her again?

When Early went to claim his luggage at the airport he saw just how
much he had for the first time. As Early loaded his luggage cart he
decided that two of his bags must have engaged in some sort of
unnatural behavior to produce this litter of smaller cases and bags.
After a futile attempt to load it all into a regular size cab, he'd
been forced to pay a premium for one of the min-van type cabs to be
able to hold his luggage's new family.

Early's apartment had that neglected look that is hard to explain but
impossible not to see. Still, Early dumped his luggage in the middle of
the living room floor before taking a quick shower and heading over to
Susan's apartment.

When he got there, no one answered his rings or repeated knocking. As
he was turning to leave, he spotted Susan returning with an e?pty trash
can. She looked horrible. She didn't have any make-up on and she'd lost
weight... weight she couldn't afford to lose. She was only a few feet
away when his presence finally registered on her, whereupon she gave a
shriek and practically screamed, "Early! What the hell are you doing
here? You can't see me like this!"

Early who hadn't been able to keep suspicious thoughts from forming
when no one answered the door now wanted to laugh. Susan wasn't
expecting company, not looking the way she did. "I just landed and I
came right over, I wanted to finish our talks."

Susan looked like she was going to cry, "Oh Early! How did you get here
so soon? I've been praying that you might want to see me, I was just
going to get cleaned up on the off chance that you might call. But, I
checked the flights and you can't get here until this evening! Early,
really, you can't see me like this, please, let me take a shower and
get fixed up, please."

Early ignored her protests, she might not want him to see her au
natural, but she was clearly pleased to have him here. "Susan, let's go
in and talk. There's some things I want to get straight."

Susan nodded and squeezed past him to open her door, then squeaked
again and tried to close it, "Early, can't we go someplace else, you
don't want to see my place like this..."

Early pushed the door open, he'd already seen what he thought she was
trying to hide. The place was decorated in early period "Susan and
Early." Pictures and memorabilia of their life together dominated the
apartment. Over on one wall was a 11x14 picture of him complete with
two candle holders and partially used candles. It was to sort of
arrangement you might find in the home of a very religious Catholic
except the picture would have been of Jesus or Mary.

There was an poignancy in Susan's voice when she said, "It's not
exactly what you might think. I don't have an obsession, even my shrink
thought that what I've done is healthy."

Early searched her eyes, "You're going to a shrink?"

Susan smiled. "No, I went right after the divorce to see if there was a
magic pill I could take to make me not hurt. After about four sessions
the shrink said I was perfectly normal, I had good reasons to feel bad
and I was dealing with them in a healthy way.

"I didn't want you to see this because I didn't want you to let my
feelings get in the way of your moving on. That's what I need. As long
as you stay single I can't help hoping that something might happen to
get us back together. My only hope is that you'll find someone, marry
and have children. Then, I'll know there's no hope and I might be able
to move on too."

Early reached out and lifted Susan's chin, "So, that chastity till
death part of your letter was puffery? You really just mean until
there's no hope for me?"

Susan's voice was firm when she answered, but the tear that rolled down
her cheek showed her true feelings, "That's right, Early, it was just
manipulation. Once I have you safely married off, I can get on with my
own life... so if you care about me at all you'll find someone..."

She turned and fled back to her bedroom. Almost fifteen minutes later
she emerged still looking overwrought. "Early, why won't you let me at
least try to do the right thing? I do want what's best for you with my
whole heart. I can't pretend that I don't want you, or that my life
without you isn't meaningless, but please believe me, I'm trying to
help you be happy. You deserve happiness, I'm the one that doesn't. I
will always be your wife, there's never going to be anyone else in my
life. I can live with that, I can even be happy in a day-to-day sort of
way as long as I don't see you." She paused, "I meant that in a good
way, not that seeing you makes me unhappy."

Early locked eyes with her and she met his steady gaze. "You said I
have to forgive you, what does that look like in the real world? I
don't think it's possible for exes to be 'good friends, ' so what sort
of behavior do you want from me?"

"I think it means you can move past the anger stage of your grief
process. I don't know,?Early, I just know I want you to be happy. For
you to be happy you need a partner, a wife and you need children. I
know it doesn't mean you have to be involved with me, but you have to
love again."

With their eyes still locked, Early could see her chin quivering at the
edge of his vision. "What if that's what I want? What if I want what we
once had, or what I thought we once had?"

"NO!" Her chin stopped quivering as she stamped her foot. Her eyes
flashed as she continued, "No Early! I'm the last thing you want, or
deserve, a cheating whore, and a screwed up one at that!"

Early smiled, "What if I decided that the best way to punish you for
all you did would be keep you close so I could mess with your head,
your heart..."

Pain flickered through Susan's eyes then she said, "I'd have trouble
with that..." she paused, her face brightened, "but you won't do it,
you're too good a man. I know you Early, forgiving me and moving on
would be good for you. Taking me back won't work, and I won't let you
do that. I don't deserve you."

Still smiling Early asked, "Would you be faithful not just to the
letter of that word but the spirit of it too? Would you forsake all
others for just me?"

"Oh Early, don't do this to me. You know that's what I want more than
anything. I would never... the very idea of another man now makes my
skin crawl. That doesn't change what I was. Once a cheater, always a
cheater. Even if I never look at another man you'll always know that
I'm a cheater. I break vows, I didn't value our commitment and you
deserve someone better than me." Susan was pleading with her eyes, but
Early saw she wasn't certain what she was pleading for.

Early's face turned grim. "Yes, Susan I do deserve someone better than
the woman you were. Still, the fact is I loved that woman more than I
knew was possible for a man to love a woman. You don't deserve another
chance. I don't have to give you one, but I can choose to do it. A man
on the ship talked to me about grace. The whole idea of giving a sinner
something they don't deserve. I've spent more hours than I care to
remember thinking about this. In my heart of hearts I know that I can
extend grace to you. Not forgiveness, because that would be saying that
I somehow balanced the scales, and they never will be.

"Part of what I didn't understand until I talked to Jim was how to get
past the issue of justice. He showed me that sometimes the scales of
justice will never balance, without a 'finger weight, ' that is unless
I do something to make them balance.

One of the things that has torn my guts apart about what you did is
that I was powerless. I couldn't stop you and I couldn't punish you
either without your permission or going to jail. In granting grace, I
have the power, no one can force me, and in giving it I acknowledge
that you can't earn it. It's a gift from me to you. It's the gift that
puts us back to square one. Jim had a funny way of putting it, he said,
"let the dead bury the dead, let the past bury the past." I'm going to
have to look him up somehow and thank him. He's retired military so I
should be able to find him through them."

Susan's eyes had been getting bigger as she listened to Early, "You
don't mean Admiral Martin do you? Oh God, I knew he was on the ship,
but I never did see him." Early's face must have reflected his
confusion because she continued, "He's a world famous theologian, was
the head chaplain for the Navy and the personal pastor to the last four
presidents. He's written a slough of best-selling books about God and
human relationship. I was dying to meet him, but I didn't have the
nerve... I'm babbling, Early, what about trust and your pain? Why would
you want to live with me when you know that even if I'm as faithful as
an old hunting dog, there will still be times when you'll doubt me?"

Early gave her a wry grin and said, "Trust and verify! I've never
looked at your Private Investigator's reports, but since you did set up
a trust to have yourself covered, I will use it. If nothing else, it
might serve as a deterrence to help you keep to the st?aight and
narrow." Early gave a dry chuckle, "The fact is, though, I do believe
you. I don't think you can look me in the face and lie to me ever
again. If I have the power to grant you grace, I'm giving you to power
to hurt me..."

"Never Early, I swear to God if you give me this chance I'll give up my
life before I would let anyone or anything hurt you. Early, this is so
much. Can we go to the aquarium and just walk and talk like the old
days? I haven't been there since the divorce; I knew it was one of your
favorite places and I didn't want to ruin your visit there by seeing me.
There's a new baby sea otter named Alki that I've been dying to see..."

For the first time Susan broke eye contact and turned her back to
Early. "No, no Early, please don't do this to me. How can you just put
all I've done behind you? If you haven't thought this through it will
kill me to lose you again.

Early took her in his arms, "Susan, I'm human. I can't promise that
when we get into a fight, in the heat of anger, I won't throw your past
up at you. If, no, when I do, you have my permission to throw it right
back. My commitment to grace is on the same level as my marriage vows."

When he took her into his arms, the move hadn't been sexual, but as he
pulled her to him he became acutely aware of two things. His hands were
on her breasts and her ass was mashed against his rapidly growing
erection. In all of his thinking about Susan and their future, sex had
never intruded. Odd, since Susan was by any measure the best he'd ever
had. Evidently, if his mind hadn't been thinking about that minor
detail, other parts of his anatomy had been anxious.

Susan spun in his arms and pressed herself fully to him. Her cheek
rested on his chest and her tears wet his shirt. After a full minute of
silence Susan lifted her head and said, "Early, you have to know how
much I want you, but let me make it more special. I need a bath, I look
a mess and..."

Early cut her off with a kiss. His tongue moved into her mouth and was
caressed by hers. Her breath was sweet and her taste what he'd
remembered. He couldn't get enough of her. At the same time that he
wanted to be tender and loving, he also wanted to consume her with his
mouth, with his whole body.

He crushed her body to his and felt her involuntary moan, but no
resistance. Her arm went under his, first around his back then moved up
until each hand was on one of his shoulders pulling him to her.

Early broke the kiss and sucked a deep breath. That breath was full of
her scent, spicy and warm. Susan was breathing hard as she again lay
her wet cheek on his chest. She did that little move he'd tried so hard
to forget. It was something like a cross between a shiver and shimmy. It
had always been her body's involuntary announcement that she was open to
any and every thing he might want of her. Early's cock was hard enough
to crush diamonds.

His hand moved down her back and pulled her blouse from her jeans.
Susan's response was to pull herself closer. Then with an unnatural
abruptness she pulled back. "Early, it's my fertile time and I haven't
used protection because I knew I didn't need it."

She bit her lip, "I know I want your baby, but is this the right time?
Early, I'm scared by all this..."

Again Early cut her off with a kiss. This one was tender. The thought
of making a baby had, impossibly, made his cock harder, but it gave the
rest of him pause. In the abstract, Early wanted kids; he'd even
accepted that he wanted Susan's children. However, faced with the
actual act of making them, he was conflicted. Desire was balanced with
fear at the awesome responsibility of creating new life.

Early was a problem solver and it only took him a few seconds to solve
this one. "I want your baby, our baby, but I want it done the right
way. I want us married and all legal. Right now I also want you and I
don't want to wear a condom either. The only solution I can figure is
to see what sort of flights are available to Las Vegas. We can get
married, get you pregnant and still have time to see a show before we
come home S?nday.

Susan's face glowed as she playfully hit Early on the shoulder, "Early
this is like waking up from a nightmare into a fairytale. I hate to get
serious, but I don't want to make a baby for us unless we know that
we're not being swept up by the passion of the moment.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue

Thirty-five years later:

Susan leaned over and kissed Early's forehead. "Of course you're my
favorite grandchild, you're the youngest and that makes you the
best..."

"Granny! You tell all of us that we're your favorite, and Aunt Mary
going to have another baby so I won't always be the youngest."

"Early, you'll never pin Granny down, whoever she's with is always her
favorite, and that will never change. Now hurry, the cousins are
already up in the pool. The contest starts in ten minutes and you don't
want to be late." As the boy shot from the suite, she added to his back,
"remember no running on the ship..."

Susan smiled at her daughter, "When are you and Jay going to tell him
that you're going to have another?"

"As soon as we know that I'm past the danger point. I don't want to
take a chance even though I didn't have any problems with him. Mom, you
know I've never regretted forgiving Jay when I caught him..."

"When he confessed..."

Anne smiled ruefully, "When he confessed that he'd cheated on me. You
told me then that you'd share where you came by all your wisdom
'someday.' This seems like 'someday' to me. I mean I know that you and
daddy were divorced for awhile, and I assume that you caught him
cheating on you, although I have a hard time picturing daddy doing
something like that."

Susan took a deep breath, "This cruise has been a wonderful family
time, I'm so grateful that Early's company gave us this as a retirement
bonus. I did promise to tell you and I hope you won't regret it. It
doesn't make me look too good... You see, your daddy never cheated on
me. Before our divorce I was a slut and I cheated on him repeatedly.
What I saw in Jay was much like what I knew happened to me. He woke up
to what he was doing and changed his behavior. He didn't confess until
he knew he wouldn't cheat again, and he wanted a fresh start before you
made a baby together. I think he should have kept his cheating to
himself, but it was easy to see that you still wanted him -- you just
had to get past your pain to make your marriage work.

"It wasn't that easy for your father. I hadn't quit, and I didn't
confess. I didn't deserve forgiveness, much less what your father calls
grace. I suppose that's why it's grace. If someone deserves to be
forgiven they don't need grace. I wanted your father back more than I
can possibly put into words. Yet there was nothing I could do to make
up for what I'd done. Let me start at the beginning... 

"... So we flew to Vegas and got married that night and we lived
happily ever after." Susan's expression and tone said better than words
that the healing had required hard work and more than a bit of pain.

Anne was quiet for a long time, then said, "I had no idea. Were you
ever tempted again, I mean I must have heard the expression 'once a
cheater always a cheater' a million times when we were having
problems."

Susan wiped her eyes, "There's truth to that, people don't change very
easily, but unlike every other species we do have the power to change
who we are. Church history is full of sinners who became saints; it's
just that most people don't want to change or have sufficient
motivation to change. I'd have a double mastectomy before I'd bare my
breasts to another man. Early's grace gave me you and your brother, and
our wonderful grandkids. I've tried to be the best wife a man could
have, but that's only what every spouse deserves. I can never make up
for what I've done, all I can do is remember and use it to be a better
person than I was. Your father is the one who deserves all the credit
for our happiness.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
                          The End

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