How High A Price - Another View Conclusion Copyright by Joesephus ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Synopsis: How can two people who are "attractive," "highly intelligent, caring and feeling." make such a mess of their lives? What happens next? This is my second attempt at this story. Codes: MF no-sex slow rom cons cheat This story is based on E.Z Ritter's version of a story with the same name. I have the author's permmission to write this ending. You will need to read his version for this story to make sense. It can be found free on many sites. ASSTR.ORG rules don't allow me to advertise so I don't think I can actually name them. If you do a search for this Title and my pen name, Joesephus, you should find them. This story was written with MS Word. I used things like bold and italics to make dialogue more understandable. Those were lost when I converted this to TXT format. If you wish to read the version with the formats You can find them posted on other sites. I would suggest you search for the title and Joesephus. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ©Copyright by Joesephus Authors Angst... This is not a stand-alone story. In order to understand it, you must read E. Z. Riter's "How High a Price - Another View," Mr. Riter's version of The Troubadour's excellent "How High a Price," With Mr. Riter's permission and The Troubadour's I'm using the characters from both their stories. I have attempted to pick up exactly where Mr. Riter's story stopped. This is my second shot at this excellent tale... It's what I wanted to do the first time but I hadn't received permission from Mr. Ritter. Since I'd started on the assumption that I'd get it, I slapped together a different start and posted "HHAP-The Next Step." I hoped that Mr. Ritter or some one else would send a reply so I could write my ending and waited. Mr. Ritter took pity wrote the reply letter found in this story. I've used it with his permission. Finally, if you've read and remember my earlier take on HHAP, "The Next Step," there are only a few minor changes until Early's reply to Susan's letter. If you skip to that point, you won't really miss anything. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 1: Aftermath Susan began calling Early's office before it opened on Monday morning. Joan, Early's secretary, fielded a dozen calls from Susan before she confronted Early. "I can't do this, Early. I'm mad enough at Susan to spit nails, but I can't continue to just hang up on her. You have always been more like family than my boss, and I'm on your side, but I also owe Susan. She never charged me for all the legal work on my divorce or all the child support collection problems with my deadbeat ex. "I understand you not wanting to talk to her... I know how hurt you are. I remember the pain I went through when I found out he had cheated on me. If it weren't for the kids, I don't know what I would have done. I understand you not wanting to talk to her or ever see her again, but you're going to have to get her to stop trying to talk to me..." she paused, her face pleading, "Please, I can't listen to her pain without... I can't be rude to her, I just can't." Early's jaw muscles pulsed as he gnashed his teeth. He took a deep breath to keep from exploding, paused then said, "Next time she calls tell her that I've told you I will fire you if you speak to her on company time. If you want to listen to her on your own time... well that's your business, but I will fire you, for real, if you ever mention her to me or speak to her here. I'll do my best not to put you in the middle of all this, but I will not speak to her except through my lawyer; her name is Cynthia. Maybe she can get the courts to issue a restraining order or something." That effectively ended Susan's attempts to call Early at the office, but she was leaning on his Mercedes as he walked out of the building that evening. Turning on his heel, he contacted security and had her removed from the parking lot. Unable to locate Cynthia, he left a message asking her to prepare a restraining order and file it as soon as she could. He then called his PI, John Wells, and arranged for transportation to the Holiday Inn. Susan wasn't able to follow them. Because he was a modest person, Early was surprised that concern for him reached to the very top of his company. Steve Majors, the head of security, contacted Paul Landon, general counsel, to confirm the legality of Early's action barring Susan from the property. Paul contacted the CEO about the same time Early was leaving with his private investigator. Tuesday morning a process server showed up at Early's office. John Stickner was filing civil suit for the damage to his face. At the time Early was in the CEO's office explaining what had happened. The CEO picked up the phone and called the Paul up to his office. After a short discussion, he told Paul, "I want you to change our outside law firm immediately." Early's company, a large multinational, had been the biggest client of Susan's law firm, amounting to almost seventy percent of their billable hours. "Early, you will take the week off. Get out of town, go someplace nice and put it on your expense account." A week later Early was back in the CEO's office. "I've felt guilty about all the travel I've put you through Early and I think I'm partly responsible for what happened. This company will do everything it legally can to help you. If you want to relocate, just say where." Within hours of losing their major client, the senior partners of Jenson, Sharone and Anderson had called Susan into their conference room and told her to seek employment elsewhere. It only took only a bit longer for a full meeting of the partners to see Stickner fired. To avoid further legal action, Stickner agreed to relinquish his license to practice in Washington State and move to New York, but Susan was going to remain in Seattle. Early had already been thinking about that particular problem. While he was determined not to lay eyes on cheating slut of a wife, he didn't like the idea of being run out of town either. Besides, he liked the idea of showing Susan that she no longer had any power over him. If he didn't want to see or talk to her, he could make that happen. "No, I'm going to stay here. That is if security can legally keep her out of the offices." Paul looked at his boss, who nodded and Paul said, "That won't be a problem. I'll have some papers drawn up and serve her." Then the game began. Susan, desperate to talk to Early, tried to contact him through friends, Early countered with emails and letters. Saying each person would have to choose sides, he concluded by saying, "I welcome all friends but any friend of mine will never mention that bitch's name." Anticipating she would hire private detectives to find where he was staying, he drove a different rental every day until he found an apartment. Because his attorney told him he was unlikely to be able to get a restraining order, his new apartment was located in a very secure gated community. The duel continued for weeks. Susan would thrust and Early would parry, outmaneuvering her at every juncture. Just when he thought he'd won, his attorney summoned him to her office ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 2: The Letter "I don't care how much it costs, I don't want to have to see or deal with that bitch again!" Cynthia Rodgers, Early's divorce attorney gave him the look, the one that said "stop acting like a child and join the real world." "Early, all the money in the world can't keep you from seeing her in court if she fights this. She's one of the best lawyers in the state, for God's sake. Even with all the evidence you have she can drag this out long enough to wipe you out and make me a very rich woman. If she decides to make this fight her life's work, she can tie you up until you die. If you really don't want to see her repeatedly, then you're going to have to read her letter and respond to it." Early felt a black hole in his soul open. His gut felt like his ulcers had developed ulcers. His fight to isolate himself from Susan for the last five weeks had created a scab of sorts over his pain. Now he felt that scab being slowly and very painful ripped off, leaving the open, putrefying sore. He knew Susan had a brilliant legal mind and courtroom skills to make her a legend... before he had derailed her career. Living with her had taught him that the legal system delivered many things, but rarely justice. He understood she could not only wipe him out financially, she could tie him up with?motions and court appearances for years. The little voice in his head kept saying, "If you are so over her, why are you so afraid to deal with her like an adult. She was your wife, your life, and no matter how much you want a clean break..." Aloud Early said, "If I do this, give my sworn word to read her letter and think about it for one hour a day for six days, can I hold her to her word? Will this all go away?" Cynthia shrugged. "She's your wife! Will she keep her word? She said there is one request in the letter, a private request, that if you'll agree to consider that one request she will sign the divorce pleading she's drawn up. She said there won't be anything in that pleading that I would object to." Two months ago there would have been no doubt in Early's mind that Susan would keep her word, but now? This was childish. She wasn't even asking for a face-to-face, which Cynthia said she could force with depositions. "Okay, I'll do it if it's the only way to end this mess." Cynthia smiled gently, "It's the smart move, Early. Now raise your right hand and swear..." When Early got back to his apartment he resisted the urge to take a drink. Instead he opened the large manila envelope and took out Susan's letter. It was typed. He felt his stomach knot and he couldn't decide exactly why. Had he wanted to see Susan's strong beautiful handwriting or was he disappointed that she hadn't tried? Dear Early, I've resisted the urge to address you as 'dearest husband' but that is what you are and what you will always remain. I don't say that lightly. I've always heard that your life can change in the blink of an eye. Mine did. Early, when you said you were in our bedroom right after I lied on the phone about being home, I died. I've spent almost every waking second for the last five weeks thinking about what I've done, what kind of person I was and the kind I want to be. After more thought and sober self-analysis than I've done in my whole life, I had my own epiphany. Or perhaps more accurately, an affirmation of who I must be. I must be your wife. Naturally this creates certain problems, since I understand, profoundly, your desire not to be my husband. I even agree, though wistfully, with your decision and I will honor it. I will always crave your forgiveness but that isn't the purpose of this letter. I pray that you will never show this to anyone, but if you show it to Cynthia, she'll tell you that it ends any possible legal threats that I might make. I acknowledge that I committed adultery and that I am solely responsible. I'll testify in any court, provide detailed receipts of my involvement with Mr. John Stickner. I will be a witness that Early acted in self-defense when he smashed Mr. Stickener's face. If allowed, I will provide legal advice pro bono in my husband's suit against him and my former firm. I will also reimburse you for all expenses you incur in that suit or in our divorce. My only regret concerning my former firm was that I didn't get to resign. I had my letter ready when I was sacked. Early, I am your wife, and I always will be. What's more, I will be faithful to you for the rest of my life. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but after all my soul searching, I understand it and I don't want to change it. That doesn't mean I'm going to try to hold you. I've lost that right; you are free from me, and you never have to see me again. I hope you will, I pray that you will, but if you don't I will never attempt to see you. I am gladly giving you the legal tools to keep me at bay if I should falter in my resolve and lose what little dignity I still possess. I not only regret what I did, I repent. That means I have to do everything in my power to make you whole from my damage to you. I can't undo what I've done but I will try to provide restitution. So you will know that my decision to honor my marriage vows after our divorce is sincere, I am establishing a trust fund. It will pay for surveillance of me to prove that I continue to honor my marriage vows. The trust fund will be controlled by a thir? party who will make all reports available to you. You don't have to read the reports but they will always be open to you. I beg you not to pity me. I don't. I don't want ever to be involved with anyone else. I fully understand and accept the consequences of my actions. If I can't have the life with you I crave, this is the next best alternative for me. I beg only one thing: don't force me to be a biological dead end. I want to have two of your children. You don't have to see me again; I will gladly have twins by in vitro. You will have full control of those children. I will give them up for adoption, or you can have sole custody and deny me visitation rights. I will sign any contract you wish or write the best one I'm capable of writing. I understand that my unconscionable cheating destroyed your trust. That is why I want the surveillance. I'm not trying to be a martyr. It is my dearest hope and highest ambition that by my behavior I can convince you I'm worthy to have those children and perhaps be allowed to be an important part of their lives. If however, you don't want me to be an integral part of their lives, I think it would be better for them never to know me. To facilitate that and to ease your pain, I will move to a different part of the state. As much as I love this place, we have too many common friends and interests, and I don't think I could restrain myself if I were to encounter you or them at some function. As much as I would like to bear our children, if in seven years you have decided that you don't wish me to have them, I will have my tubes tied. Either way, I am establishing a second trust fund to cover all your expenses for all your children, whether mine or not. If you can't allow me to have children, I pray you will marry another and have children. You are too special to deprive the world of your genes. I want you to understand that I am as content in my lot as I can be without you. I have no choice; I must live as if I'm still your wife. I will do so if you marry. I will always be available to you in any role you allow, from loving advisor to enthusiastic cheerleader to as one dead to you. The only thing I will not do is harm any future wife as I have harmed you. My bed will always be open, but please, if you marry, come to it only if your wife agrees. I am giving you full power over me. I will do anything you ask that isn't illegal. I beg only for the children and that you never force me to be part of breaking your vows to another woman. Finally, I beg you to honor your oath. I wrote it carefully so that I could explain that I don't want you to think about this daily for a week, but for an hour on the anniversary of the day that our divorce becomes final. It's a bit underhanded, but I pray that over time you will forgive me sufficiently to allow me to bear your children. My hope is that, given years to think about it, you might allow my life on Earth to have meaning. With complete devotion and obedience forever, Susan Early read the letter a second time. He could hear Susan's voice. This wasn't how she wrote briefs, this was how she spoke when she wasn't prepared to argue. His guts roiled and he felt a constriction in his chest. The pain she was feeling was impossible to miss and was deeper than he'd ever seen her display. That line about "biological dead end" carried incredible emotional baggage. It wasn't just about her being the only child of old money. It was a term they'd used for one of their couple friends who proudly proclaimed their intent not to have children. Early knew that having children was of paramount importance to Susan. They had begun discussing starting a family a few months ago. They had decided on the end of summer as the time she would go off birth control and Thanksgiving as the time to start trying in earnest. Early said a silent prayer of thanks that this happened before they'd gotten her pregnant. Early would keep his word. He would spend the time thinking about this letter but a coldness in his chest let him know that he wouldn't change. He wanted noth?ng to do with this woman and he wouldn't let her manipulate him. He was sorry that she wouldn't have children... but that would be her choice. He wouldn't abandon his children and he couldn't abandon his children's mother. If he acceded to her, he would be bound to her forever and he couldn't stand that. He walked to the small file cabinet and did something he'd sworn he'd never do again. He looked at a picture of Susan standing with John in their office. It was enough; he was resolved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "Early, this is the oddest pleading I've ever seen," Cynthia smiled tightly. Early clenched his jaw and felt his eyes flash, "What about the alimony? Is there any way we can fight that?" "Early, I would love to see you fight it but ethically I have to advise you against it. The only reason I'd like to see you fight is because we'd lose and I could use it as a precedent for my future cases. Even if you won, you can't stop her from doing what she wishes with her money. Calling it alimony just means she can shelter more of it from Uncle Sam. What I like is the way she established the amount to provide for her own needs, and the way she's indexed that for inflation. The consumer price index or her apartment rent whichever is lower. She will be able to live modestly and provide for her retirement, but nothing more. Everything else comes to you. Of course that assumes you allow her to keep her retirement." Early shrugged to show he didn't understand and Cynthia continued, "She's giving you alimony, all of her 401Ks and investments. She is even giving you all of her inheritance. She says she wants to make you harmless. She states that you would have enjoyed the benefits of those funds if she hadn't destroyed the marriage and thus you are entitled to them. I don't think we can fight that, at least based on the grounds she's using, and frankly I don't think I can fight against your interest and stay inside the canons. All that aside, it's the irrevocable power of attorney that she insists be part of the settlement that gives you the ultimate power." "Do I have to accept it?" Early growled, feeling small-hearted but still looking for the hook in her offers. He just didn't trust her. Trust she destroyed. "You've called Susan the bitch more times than you've use her name, but have you spent much time around dogs? I didn't think so. I breed Labs. When one dog totally submits to another, she turns on her back and bares her throat. The alpha dog will take the submissive dog's neck in its mouth and hold it, enjoying the power of life and death. That's what Susan has done, at least the human equivalent. My advice to you is to sign, put those documents in my care, and put the money in a trust. That way you won't abuse her when you feel the anger. Oh, you will feel it as you work through your grief at the death of this marriage. It will happen no matter how justified and correct your actions. I also know that you'll be tempted just to donate all her money to charity but that would be a hostile mistake. There might come a time when she needs it or changes her mind. If that happens, you'll sleep better knowing you've done the right thing." Cynthia paused again, and Early could practically see the wheels turning before she continued, "I don't think you can do a thing to stop her wasting that money. You can have the detective reports held though so you don't have to involve yourself in them." Early sat back. The idea of Susan paying him alimony rankled but Cynthia made sense of it. This way it didn't force him to see her or to be connected to her. He might even, over time, solve the problem of still being desperately in love with her. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 3: Early's Response written by E. Z Riter: Early Conroy had aged ten years in the past three months. Finding the love of his life fucking another man had done that to him. But Early was tough. He had survived and things were getting better. He had, on advice of h?s attorney, taken the time requested by Susan—who was still his wife legally but not emotionally and certainly not morally—to consider the letter she had written him. That letter was laden with apparent remorse and pleaded with him to give her another chance. Unbeknownst to anyone, even his attorney, he had spent over twenty hours with a psychologist who specialized in marital relations to assist him in understanding his situation and his response to it. Susan had been right about one thing. The passage of time had cooled the anger of the moment. Now, the fire of pain and resentment inside him was a cold and lifeless pile of ashes hidden under the calm and positive demeanor his friends recognized as the Early of old. He carefully composed a letter to Susan in response to her letter: Susan: I read your letter, and I will read it again on the anniversary of our divorce for the next six years. I didn't just spend an hour but full day thinking about the issues between us. I have given it time as you also requested. I have considered at length what you set forth in your letter. This is to inform you that I will not tolerate you in my life in any continuing manner, which includes both your proposed financial arrangements and also producing children from my sperm. What was between us is dead. It cannot be resurrected. As for the impact of my decision on you and your potential offspring, I quote another man's comments to his cheating wife: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." I am anticipating your fulfillment of your commitment to leave me alone from this point forth. Early A. Conroy Cynthia Rodgers read the letter as Early sat opposite her across her desk. "Are you sure?" Cynthia asked. "Completely. Positively. Unequivocally," Early replied. Cynthia nodded. "The paper work is completed. You'll be divorced by Monday," she said. Early thanked Cynthia and shook her hand. When he left her office and exited the building onto the street, he realized, for the first time in months, there was a song in his heart and a bounce in his step. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 4: The Foundation Almost Three years later: Early was in a bad mood. Being in a bad mood was a common occurrence recently. Damn! It was still three weeks until he had to read that letter from his cheating slut of an ex-wife and the dread was as bad as the event. Every time he thought about just how manipulative she was it made him furious--with himself--for marrying her. Early parked his new Mercedes in an open slot and looked around. This was one of the rougher parts of town. The cops didn't have to patrol in pairs here, but they did. "Well I guess it shows these folks aren't wasting any money on things that don't affect their mission," he mumbled under his breath as he got out of the car. "It's a good cause though and I promised." The door to the store front location was unlocked as he entered the place. It doesn't look any better on the inside, he thought. From a room down a hall that he assumed was the conference room a disembodied voice called out, "Early, if that's you come on back and we'll officially welcome you to the board." Opening the door he saw eight people seated around a battered conference table. Their clothes and accoutrements spoke of an affluence at odds with the surroundings. Harry Wilson, a recent 'best friend' rose to greet him. "Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce Early Conroy. My company began doing business with his company and I've never meet a more competent trouble shooter. "I really appreciation your willingness to serve on this board, we need you badly." Early had to smile, Wilson was one of the world's good guys even if he wasn't too proud to twist a few arms, but he hadn't had to twist Early's. "You were very persuasive, Harry, but the truth is I'd decided several months ago I wanted to help. I was just guilty of procrastination." After everyone was introduced, Wilson said, "Okay Early, the way we do this is we take turns reading a request and then we brainstorm how we might accomplish the wish or decide if it's beyond our means. Then we'll take up the next one. Your skills as a problem solver are going to be invaluable. "Here's the first one. A seven year old girl, with advanced leukemia, would like to help rescue wild mustangs in Oklahoma. It was something her parents did before she got sick and they always promised they'd take her when she got old enough." Early felt like someone had hit him in the gut, "Jesus, Harry, I'll buy the whole family plane tickets to where ever..." The woman on his right put a gentle arm on his, "If it were that easy, Early, it would have been handled by the staff. She'll need to be transported by air ambulance. She'll need round-the-clock nursing care; but the biggest hurdle is all the legal liability issues at the other end. After all, the reason we here is because the Make-a-Wish Foundation was sued out of existence in this city after they took some terminal kids hunting. People are scared to death that if something were to happen to one of those kids they'd be sued to death. The sad truth is that some of our clients have sued... " As if on queue Susan Edwards, Esq., walked into the room. When Susan saw Early, her whole face lit up with a beautiful smile. Early felt his settle into a scowl. The woman continued, "Early, I'd like to introduce our legal genius who, single handedly has been keeping us out of trouble for the last two years. Sue Edwards, this is our newest board member Early Conroy." Susan's eye's made contact with Early's and Early couldn't contain his contempt as a wave of rage washed over him. All pleasure left Susan's expression. She very carefully turned so she was not speaking to Early. "Mr. Conroy and I have met." Looking around the table she then said, "I'm sorry I'm late..." Early watched her carefully as she continued. Susan always was brilliant, and she was still beautiful. If she weren't a manipulative slut Early knew he'd be interested. After the meeting broke up, Early tried to get Harry alone. As much as he wanted to help this group, he simply couldn't work in an organization that included Susan. As the meeting progressed Early had been forced to admit, grudgingly, that she was indeed central to the group's success and that it was a work of her heart. Although it made him mad, he had decided that he needed to withdraw from the board. He'd continue to help them as he could. Even his short association with them made him realize that he needed to be involved in efforts to give back some of what he'd been blessed to receive. As much as this effort tugged at his heart-strings, he'd just have to find someplace else. Unfortunately, Susan and other members of the board were involved in a second impromptu meeting as soon as the formal meeting ended. When he got home Early wrestled with his conscience. Part of what appealed to him about the organization was the kids. Early loved kids and was slowly coming to the conclusion that he might never have any. It was just another reason that he hadn't been able to let go of his anger with Susan. Because of her, he knew what real love was and as much as he'd tried, he hadn't been able to love anyone else. He thought frequently about what his private investigator Bill Miller had told him that night about trust and marriage. He had just assumed that when he got rid of Susan that trusting someone else would be natural. It wasn't. As a fit and wealthy single man, finding dates hadn't been a problem. With the help of friends he was overrun with women looking to fill the hole Susan had left in his heart. Several of those had ended up in his bed. Two had even become serious monogamous relationships. The problem was that even after a month or two he still wanted to use a condom. He simply couldn't trust a woman not to cheat and that destroyed any hope there might have been. After the last relationship crashed and burned a few months ago, one of his oldest friends had taken Early out for a wine and song, no women because he was married. In the early morning hours th?y were solving all the problems of the world when his friend blurted, "Early when are you going to forgive Susan and go on with your life?" Early was just mellow enough to not respond with his characteristic anger. He was just drunk enough for the Latin "en vino veritas" or "when you're drunk you let the truth slip out." In drunken profundity said, "It's that damn letter I have to read every year. Just when I think I can get past her I have to read what that manipulative bitch wrote and know that I've got to do it for years to come." His friend looked him in the eyes and said, "Early, if that's all it were you'd just laugh at how lucky you were to be quit of her. I'm not saying you need to take her back. I wouldn't, but you've got to get past this for your own sake." His friend paused, looking so sober it made Early concentrate to appear less drunk, himself. "Early, what is your hatred doing to Susan? How is it hurting her? Does she even feel it? Is your hate ruining her life? Indignant and still very drunk. Early slammed his fist on the table. "It sure is, it's making her miserable!" Still looking him deeply in his eyes the friend then asked, "How do you know Early? Have you seen her or asked?" Feeling smug as only a drunk can, Early almost sneered, "She told me so in her damn letter!" Looking a bit sad now the friend asked, "Do you believe her? If you can't trust her, why do you believe anything she has ever said? If you do believe her then why can't you trust her? Ah shit, this is getting too deep for me. Let's have another round. What do you think the Huskies will be favored by on Saturday? It should be a great football game." As Early got ready for bed he felt his anger bubble up. That bitch didn't so much as say a single word to him. Not a "how are you" nor even a polite "hello." The next morning he'd been at work for a little more than an hour when Harry called. "Early, what's the deal with you and Sue? She called this first thing this morning and said she was going to have to withdraw from the foundation. She tried to tell me that she had some sort of conflict of interest, but a blind man could see how upset she was every time she looked your way. What's going on?" He gave a rather mirthless chuckle. "Was she your ex-wife's lawyer or something?" "No, she's my ex-wife. Harry, I was going to call you latter today and tell you that I was going to have to withdraw from the board. I'll be happy to continue to support the effort financially and you can call on me for anything that I can do as long as it doesn't involve Susan." "Early, I had no idea! I was kidding since I knew you were divorced and I knew she only took men's divorce cases, she's helped a lot of dads get to see their kids. She's famous in some circles. Look, I understand, I hate to see you leave..." The conversation continued and turned professional at the end. It was just a phone call so why did it upset Early so much to hear that Susan had tried to withdraw? The more he thought about it the madder he got. What right did she have to try to avoid him? He certainly hadn't done anything wrong. Later that morning Harry called him back. "Early, could you meet me for lunch? This has turned into a rather delicate situation and I'd like to buy you lunch and see if I can get you to help me." It took most of Early's self control and a reminder just how important Harry's business was to his firm to keep from saying "Not only no, but HELL NO!" Instead he allowed Harry to name one of the more exclusive restaurants in Seattle for a late lunch meeting. When he got there Harry was waiting for him. After an excellent meal and two glasses of vintage Port, Early was feeling a bit mellow. "Early, I don't know how to say this diplomatically, but the foundation needs Sue. I don't want to get involved in your business, but she's insisting that we not let you leave the board. She said you are a great asset and she's proud of you for joining. She also made it very clear that she wouldn't continue to volunteer even if you left. I couldn't even get her to come t?day or to call you. Look Early, I feel terrible about this, and I'll give you a blank IOU, but you've got to talk to her and convince her. Early, to be blunt, we can get along without you, but she's irreplaceable. I need you to talk to her. Convince her that either you'll work with her or convince her that you will not serve, and she must." Early sat in silence trying to make sense of the emotions battling inside, ultimately curiosity proved stronger than anger or hurt. "Did she say why she wouldn't come to lunch?" Early winced as the question came out with more provocation than he intended. "No, but it wasn't too hard to figure out that she feels guilty about something and is doing her best not to interfere with your choices. That's why we're having this conversation and I'm making an ass of myself. I got the very strong impression that she'll do whatever you want her to." Harry paused then continued in a soften tone. "You don't get to where I am without being able to read people. It's pretty clear you're carrying some baggage around about what happened. After all this time it might help you to talk to her too. Get it off your chest so to speak. Why don't you let me set up a meeting?" Early sighed, "Okay, I'll meet with her, I don't know that it'll do any good..." Harry's whole countenance changed into one of those professional hale-fellow-well-met salesman types. "Good! I was hoping you'd agree, I asked her to meet me here tonight for dinner at 7:00. I couldn't get her to agree to meet with you, so if you'll arrive a little late, I'll leave and let you two hash this out. Dinner will be on me, so splurge." Early had been taking Prilosec for almost two years, but immediately recognized the sour acid stomach as he walked into the restaurant. He saw Susan and Harry. Harry spotted him, but Susan had her back to him. Early suppressed a belch and motioned to Harry that he'd be just a minute before he joined them. Turning to the hostess who had been escorting him he got directions to a place to buy Tums. Ten minutes later Early again approached the table, this time he had to acknowledge that the pain in his stomach wasn't going to be solved by antacids. He stepped to where the place setting awaited him, on Susan's right and Harry's left. "I'm sorry I'm late, I had a last second task I had to take care of. Hello Susan, you're looking nice." Early had been watching Susan's body language from the time she first caught sight of him. Again her first reaction was that dazzling smile, but this was almost instantly replaced by a withering glance shot at Harry. When Early spoke to her, she looked up at him her eyes pleading with him, but Early couldn't figure out just what it was she wanted." Even before Early was fully seated Harry was getting out of his chair, "Susan, I set this up. You two need to talk about the foundation, and I'm not going to intrude. I told Early that the meal is on me..." Susan was fumbling with her coat as she struggled to get out of her chair, "Harry! I can't believe you've done this, I told you I'm not allowed to talk to Early..." Early felt like he'd been dropped into an episode of the Keystone Kops, but one where the item being dragged wasn't a ladder truck but emotional baggage. Turning to Susan he said, "Please, stay, we do need to talk. I agreed to do this; you're not breaking your word." Again Susan turned those pleading eyes on him, and Early couldn't remember ever seeing her look so yearning, then those eyes began to tear up. "What? Why are you about to cry?" "Early, I have so little left. My integrity is about my only comfort. I promised you I would stay out of your life, and I've done it..." "Yes, you have and I appreciate it, but this isn't you coming into my life; it's me intruding on yours." Yeah you kept out of my life, except for that damn letter... Susan was studying him carefully. He watched her eyes focus on his left eye first then the other then back again before she continued, "Early, may I say one thing about us? If you let me, I promise I'll do whatever you want. You j?st tell me and you won't even have to stay for the rest of dinner." Early felt his anger surge and had to bite off a sarcastic retort. Not trusting his voice he nodded his assent. "Early, please don't ever read that letter from me again. I'm so sorry I made you do that. I didn't mean to manipulate you that way. I've wanted to ask you for two years to ignore your promise but I didn't know any way to get a message to you." Early did a slow blink and pulled back in surprise; then suspicious, asked, "That's it? You don't have another request?" Susan bowed her head and shook it no. Looking at her silverware she asked softly, "What do you want me to do about the foundation? They really could use your talent." Early wasn't sure exactly what he was feeling when he said, "They need you more, and I'm not going to work with you Susan. If you mean what you said, I want you to continue doing what you've been doing and I'll find another group to work with." Susan continued to look at the tablecloth that her tears were now wetting. She waited a few pregnant seconds and said softly, "Okay, Early, I'll stay. If you ever decide you want to go back on the board just tell Harry and I'll quit." Early's stomach was killing him, he wanted to lash out at her; seeing her so submissive infuriated him, but his tone was ice cold when he said, "Good, I've lost my appetite, I hope you don't mind eating alone." Not waiting for an answer he stood and strode out of the restaurant. When he got to his car he was shaking with suppressed rage. He desperately wanted to storm back to the table and rail at her. He wanted to cut her to ribbons with words he knew would sear her very soul. It took several minutes to get his emotions sufficiently under control to drive back to his condo. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 5: Trouble at Work? If Early had been in a bad mood before, now it was positively putrid. He wasn't aware that his staff was approaching him with trepidation, while treating him as if he were made of the most fragile crystal. It was only when the CEO called him in to his office Friday afternoon and asked what was wrong that Early realized just how big a prick he'd been. They talked and Early explained about his meeting with Susan. "Early, when did you last take a vacation?" Early blinked, he couldn't remember, "I'm not sure..." "You're on vacation now." He picked up his phone and dialed a number. "Lynn, did you get that cruise ticket? Any luck on a different suite? No, I said I wanted something special. What's it going to set us back? Ouch, I didn't give you a budget, but ouch! No, get the confirmation. Good job!" Early, I'm sending you on a cruise before your whole staff stages a walkout. Your flight leaves tomorrow afternoon and the ship leaves the day after. We're paying for the Master's Suite on Radisson's Seven Seas Mariner from LA to San Francisco to Bora Bora, Tahiti and back to LA. That's 27 nights and it's worth every cent of the 60K plus it's costing, so enjoy." Early felt his temper build, "I don't need a cruise..." "Early, four of your staff have either come to see me or sent emails. No, they weren't complaining, they're worried about you. I checked before you came up, you haven't had a vacation since before your divorce. You know it's our policy that vacations are mandatory. I'm not sure how you got around it, but you can either take this cruise or you can begin cleaning out your desk." Early looked at the man who made million dollar deals every week and he couldn't read him. "Remind me not to play poker with you..." The CEO laughed, "I'm a terrible poker player, I can't bluff, but that gives me a real advantage in business. I shoot straight and I will walk away if the deal isn't there. I don't want to fire you Early, but if you don't go I will. By the way, that's a 2000 square foot two bedroom suite and it won't cost us a dime more if you take a friend. Now get out and don't let me see you until after that ship docks." Early started to protest that he had several ?rons in the fire, but seeing the expression he said, "I'll take my laptop so if you need me..." When Early got to his condo he checked out what to expect on the ship. He saw the dress would range from country club casual to formal. Early had a couple of tuxedoes he could take but he would run out of casual clothes long before the cruise was over. He saw the floor plan for his suite. It had two private dining rooms, one indoors and one on his own private balcony. This was a dream vacation, one of those once in a lifetime experiences. The finest cabin on the highest-rated cruise ship on the ocean. It was only as he contemplated the two bedrooms that his stomach hurt. Even ignoring the short time frame, there wasn't a single soul in the world that Early wanted to have with him on the trip. What would be fabulous with a partner looked like torture alone. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 6: The Cruise Sunday, April 16th Los Angeles: Early stood on his private balcony as the ship pulled away from the dock. Departure time had been delayed and it was getting dark. He'd made a reservation at the Signatures restaurant for himself, his niece, Kristin, and her husband, Mark. The college couple were the only members of his family who could get away on such short notice and they would be going only as far as Hawaii eight days from now. A few people threw those streamer things at the dock, but the lack of anyone to see them off ruined the image of the Bon Voyage parties of Black & White movies. Dinner was everything one would expect from a restaurant that advertised it served cuisine from around the world, all prepared using the Cordon Bleu method. Early actually had the chicken Cordon Bleu. It was preceded by a shrimp cocktail served in a one of those special two part goblets where one part sits on ice inside the other, except these where both made of cut crystal. It was followed by a fruit salad with very special poppy seed dressing served on fine bone china. The main course, served on gold-rimmed plates of the ship's custom pattern made Early forget about just how many calories, fat and cholesterol the cheese and ham stuffed chicken represented. The service was impeccable and Early knew he'd be adding something to expected 20% of the ticket price tip his company had already paid. After dinner Kristin and Mark had gone to one of the lounge areas to dance and Early returned to his suite to watch the sunset. By dark, they were out of sight of land and Early decided to check on his email. The first thing he discovered was that "For a nominal fee, guests may send or receive e-mail via computers on board." Who the hell thought nominal meant fifty cents a minute? The connection was as slow as a dial-up line. Still, when you considered where they were, it wasn't how well the elephant danced but that it danced at all. As soon as he logged in to the company he received a message that said, "Early, all your email is being diverted. If you expect any personal messages you'll need to notify them of your address on the ship. All your passwords have already been changed and you will not get the new ones until you arrive in person. Attempting to hack our system is grounds for termination. Now go have fun!" The next week was one of the most relaxing of Early's entire life. It was a precious time to get to know Kristin and Mark. Early spent a lot of time in the hot tubs, and just sleeping on the deck chairs. He spent even more time avoiding other passengers. The ratio of single women to single men on the 700-passenger ship was nine to one. The only problem was that those closest to his age were either old enough to be his grandmother or young enough to be his daughter! By the time Kristin and Mark left on April 26th, Early was rested out. Thursday night the 27th was a formal night and Early was lonesome. Ship to shore telephone service was available, at $7.50 per minute and Early couldn't think of anyone whom he would enjoy visiting at that rate. He'd played Civilization IV until he was w?nning in less than four hours and he wasn't interested in the fabulous shows provided by the ship. What he wanted was someone to share this time with and it pained him that there was no one. His elderly aunt might try to join him when they arrive at Tahiti, but that wasn't really the sort of companionship he wanted. He'd been amused when he read the ship's booklet to find that soliciting was reason to be put off the ship at the nearest port. Now, he briefly wondered if there might be player or two available among the staff. The ship had a fully equipped casino, but while Early had no problem with gambling, he so hated to lose that casino games didn't appeal to him. Instead of dressing in his tux he decided to have dinner served in his suite for the first time. The food was exquisite, but the company was lousy. For the first time since that night at the restaurant, he wasn't able to dismiss the image of Susan's smile from his memory. After turning out the lights, he reclined his deckchair on his private, enclosed balcony and looked up at the stars. The ship's own light pollution blotted out many, but the formations he could see were spectacular, although they looked different this close to the equator. Looking at the sky had fascinated mankind from the most ancient of days. As Early felt the gentle sway of the ship, he listened to the quiet whisper of the wind moving past his glass bubble. At some point he saw a shooting star and the isolation oozed into him. He was on a ship with 700 passengers, but that ship was alone in the Pacific Ocean. As his soul reached out, he understood at a profound level that no ancient shepherd had ever been as removed from civilization. No doubt there were satellites orbiting, but to Early's naked eye, his ship was the only sign of man that could be seen. As removed as the ship was from the rest of the world, so Early felt removed from his fellow passengers, from the rest of humanity. A never understood phrase, "It is not good that man should be alone," reverberated in his soul. Early closed his eyes to sleep but instead looked deeper inside himself. "Why, Susan?" he asked the inky sky in a husky voice. In the ensuing silence he realized that he wasn't sure exactly what he was asking. Why had she ruined their marriage? Why had she cheated? Why had she written that letter? Why had she released him? He'd been nibbling around the edges of those questions ever since he boarded the ship, dismissing them as soon as he became aware of them, but his mind had never quite let them go. Now as he faced them squarely, he knew he needed answers. Early snorted, I don't want them bad enough to call her though, even if it didn't cost $7.50 per minute. On a whim, he booted his laptop, connected to the ship's network and sent a message to Cynthia, his friendly divorce attorney. The one sentence note asked if she would contact Susan and see if Susan would be willing to answer a few questions. He no sooner clicked send than he wished he'd never sent it. Even if he were to send a second message asking Cynthia to ignore the last one, he'd asked Pandora to open her damn box. Cynthia and her husband were now close friends. They'd been the second people he'd contacted about coming on the cruise. She couldn't get out of her court dates and had to decline. However, she'd also been one of the more persistent about urging Early to settle his issues with Susan. If Early were to send a second message, she was more than capable of looking him right in the eye and saying "I never opened the second one until after I'd already contacted Susan." It'd be the truth, but a lawyer's truth... "Too late now," Early mumbled and logged off. The ship's screen announced he'd been online for six minutes and his account had been charged $3.00. "Shit, three bucks spent to open my own personal can of worms... at least Cynthia won't bill me for the can opener." Early sighed deeply, closed the laptop on his chest and savored what he feared would be the last peace he'd enjoy for a while as contents of Pandora's spread its pestilen?e across the world. As he examined the stars, the nature of his solitude seemed to change. The vast distances didn't seem so much to isolate, as to insulate. Trouble was coming, but even trouble needed time to find a solitary ship at sea. The heat of the laptop felt like a comforting hot water bottle on his chest and without intending to, Early fell asleep. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 7: The Trouble with Email Early was rumpled, stiff and pissed long before dawn Friday morning. He'd spent the whole night in the deck chair and at some point his laptop had fallen off his chest to the steel deck and now it wouldn't boot. It was fully backed up... at home. There wasn't anything he needed, but it had provided a nice source of solitary entertainment, and that was now gone. A steward had slipped a fax under his door during the night from Cynthia. Receiving faxes was free, sending them only required a nominal charge. The kind of charge that required you to take out a multi-generational mortgage. I called Susan to confirm her email address. She said to use the one below and she would monitor it all day. Please don't keep her waiting. Cyn Early snorted, Yeah, you called her to 'confirm' my ass. I wonder just how long that conversation lasted and just how long it took you to start it? Still, with a broken laptop he had an excellent excuse to postpone a conversation that looked even less desirable in the light of day, especially at fifty cents a minute for email. Early made his way the ship's internet café at 6:30 local time and noted it was 9:30 in Seattle. At least this way Susan wouldn't have to spend all day looking for his email, Early hated having to do that. He sent the following message then wandered to La Veranda to see if some breakfast would put him in a better mood. Susan, I've been bothered by our last meeting and I wanted to ask you some questions in private. However, I broke my laptop last night. So, unless you're prepared to meet me at the Fanning Islands, they'll have to wait until I can buy a new one in Tahiti. I didn't mean for Cyn to imply there was any rush. I've just had too much idle time on this cruise. Early Early had put the entire matter out of his mind by the time he attended a lecture about tiny Fanning Island, one of the most inaccessible places on Earth. Saturday was another day at sea, and Early was able to read for pleasure. An activity he hadn't done for years. He spent several hours near the pool in a deck chair and took the opportunity to have several casual conversations. Sunday morning he awoke feeling more rested than he had in years. The ship wasn't scheduled to drop anchor until 7:00 AM. Early went to the Compass Rose restaurant for breakfast and was finished in time to watch the anchor drop and several lifeboats lowered to serve as tenders to the gorgeous island. The last thing on Earth he expected to see as he stepped ashore a little after eight Sunday morning for his "Independent exploration of Fanning Island" was a smiling but exhausted-looking Susan. "Good morning Early, I'm always prepared to meet you anytime and anywhere you'll let me. I'd never heard of Fanning Island and I don't know if you know they don't have an airport. I've never been on a seaplane before, it was so exciting I think I'm going to pass on the privilege of riding in one for the rest of my life. There's an empty cabin on the ship I've rented and I'll stay in it if you don't want to see me after our talk, but I'd rather be staked out for fire ants than fly in that little plane again. Please say I don't have to go back by seaplane." There was real pleading and fear in her eyes. Early was speechless, and he couldn't decide if he was mad or not. He didn't recall exactly what he'd emailed, but the rhetorical question probably could be construed as an invitation, but only by someone as devious as Cynthia. "You look like you've been put through the wringer, why don't you go on board and rest up. We sail at noon, if you're not awake by lunch, we can have a private dinner in my suite tonight and talk." Susan's whole face lit up, and Early realized that she must have thought he had one of those normal cruise ship cabins, not one that you could play hide and seek in. As he trudged off, Early couldn't figure out why he'd invited her into his personal space. A quick check of his emotions confirmed that he wasn't feeling any more interested in her than he had been for the last three years. He certainly wasn't still in love with her. She'd destroyed that by her adultery. As he walked around the tropical paradise, at least a paradise to those who didn't have to make a living here, he realized that he actually had reached a place where he wanted answers more than he wanted to avoid her. He would have preferred to get those answers via impersonal emails, but he had inadvertently left open the option for her to meet him in person. Damn it, that "join me had" been a rhetorical question. Which gave him the perfect first question, just how the hell did she get here? A jet to Hawaii would have been easy, but where did she get the seaplane from and how did she get there? It has to be close to a thousand miles from here to Hawaii and that little seaplane I saw taking off didn't have that kind of range. This took some careful planning and a lot of money. She's got to know that she's not going to like the questions I want to ask, why the hell did she go to all this trouble to be asked in person? The ship weighed anchor a few minutes after noon and Early wondered briefly if he should try to check for Susan before he went to lunch. Since he didn't want to eat one of the more formal dining rooms he went to the buffet at the Compass Rose. After lunch he spent almost three hours in the fitness center. He needed the exercise, both because of all the extra calories and also to work off some of the stress he'd been building as he thought about the meeting this evening. After a cool-down run of a mile on the track around deck twelve, overlooking the pool on deck eleven, Early retired to his suite and took a long shower. The suite had two bathrooms and after Kristin and Mark left he'd been using both so it didn't seem so wasteful. Early contacted his steward and arranged for dinner. Tonight was Country Club Casual which meant you didn't have to wear a coat and tie to dinner. Early had gotten to the point that he enjoyed dressing up a bit to go to dinner so if he were going to miss the dining room experience this was a good night to do it. As he was making the arrangements, he also told his steward to notify Susan about the time and that while they'd be eating in his suite, dress would be casual as well. At 7:30 on the dot there was a knock on the door. When he opened it he saw Susan and the dinner cart. She looked rested and fresh. Her hair and make-up were so perfect Early didn't notice them. What he did notice was the causal elegance that had always attracted him to her. With the crooked grin he loved she said, "Early, I waited for food to show up before I knocked. I know you understand I'm so nervous I'm about to come out of my skin, but could we please eat before you begin your cross examination?" Early smiled back and ushered everyone into his suite. Since it was already dark, Early directed the meal to be set up in his interior dining room rather than on his porch. In less than five minutes the whole spread had been laid out and the stage set for an intimate dinner. Early immediately recognized his mistake; it set the wrong atmosphere, but there wasn't a gracious way to avoid it now. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 8: The Conversation Part 1 During dinner Susan kept the conversation flowing with a very funny narrative of her adventures traveling to meet the ship. Early didn't want to think about what it cost, but it reminded him of an episode of Phileas Fogg's Around the World in Eighty Days. "Early, I know you loved that David Niven movie, and the truth is, that after a bit my competitive juices kicked in just to see i? I could pull the whole thing off. I intended to meet you on the quay and say something like 'since I was in the neighborhood, ' but that float plane... I thought it was cool for about a hundred feet during take-off, but if it had taken another second to get into the air I would have aborted the whole thing. I actually wet my pants when we landed. I just barely had time to change to meet you and no time at all to recover. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you giving me the time to gather my wits. "Now, I'm ready to answer any and all questions as honestly as I can. I just want you to know that I'm not trying to evade anything if I say I have to think about what you're asking. I want you have the truth as best I can give it." Susan sat back with her hands in her lap, looking like a school girl taking a verbal exam. A second ago Early had been relaxed, basking in the glow of good food and good company. Now in a little more than a heartbeat all that was behind him. For a second he almost lost his nerve but then blurted, "Why did you cheat on me with him?" Susan's face twisted up in pain and she appeared to be searching for the right words. Finally she leaned forward and put her hands on the table and said softly, "Oh Early, I so prayed that you knew. I'm so tempted to lie because this is going to hurt you. I just hope you'll let me explain, not for my sake but for yours. You don't know that cheated on you dozens of times do you?" If Susan hadn't looked so pained, so sorry, Early might have responded differently. It almost felt like it had that night when he'd been looking at a darkened and empty kitchen she claimed to be cleaning. He'd known she'd been lying then, now he knew he was hearing the truth. As he struggled to find something to say Susan continued. Her eyes were blinking back tears but her voice was steady as she continued. "Early, I've never been faithful to anyone in my whole life. You are the only man I've ever loved, and it tears me apart to admit this to you, but if I lie by pretending it was only that one time, I'll come of looking so much better than I am." She was studying his face again, trying to get some clue as to how he was responding. The problem was that Early couldn't give her a clue because he couldn't understand himself. "I'm not a slut and I'm not some sort of nymphomaniac. I told you I would never be with another man and I haven't, but you deserve to know just what a horrible person you married. "It started with my first. It wasn't my boyfriend; I was cheating on him because I was mad at him because... I don 't suppose why I was mad matters, but I discovered I loved the feeling of being with someone for the first time. When we discussed our lovers, I told you I'd had three lovers. That was true. What I didn't tell you was that I cheated on them... I probably had twice as many sex partners as I did lovers." "Only five." Early blurted. One of the most painful discoveries he'd made as he was preparing to divorce Susan was that she'd lied about how many men she'd been sexually active with. It had been a hurtful, unnecessary and unexplainable lie. Susan looked puzzled, then contemplative as if she were counting. "Yes, yes that's right, but if you knew about them..." Early felt the oddest mixture of smug pride and embarrassment over reading her private diaries. When he explained Susan continued, "I don't know if I made it clear that all of those men were one time only--not really one night stands and not really revenge fucks, more like morale boosters in a way. "It was different when I cheated on you, but the effect was the same. The only exception to the pattern was John Stickner... sort of. It's part of why I couldn't let you think that he was the only one." Early felt his temper begin to rise, "Surly you know how this makes me feel about you?" Early could see Susan's broken heart in her eyes, "I know Early, it murders my most cherished fantasy. I love pretending, daydreaming really, that you knew everything through that detective you hired and might want to work past all this w?th me. Oh, I know it was a fantasy, I wouldn't allow someone like me in my life again if I were you." She took a deep breath, sighed, then looked back up into Early's eyes. "It doesn't alter the fact that you need to forgive me so you can get on with your life." Before Early could explode she hastened to add, "Forgiving me doesn't mean you have to take me back, or have me in your life. I don't expect that, like I said, it was a fantasy. What I have to do is help you get past your love of me to indifference. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. As long as you hate me, you're connected to me. When you can get past that, then I won't be a factor in your happiness, and more than anything I want you happy..." She broke down and cried softly for a few minutes. Early had the strongest impulse to take her in his arms and comfort her. She must have sensed it because she held out her hand to hold him at bay. "Early, please know this is by far the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. I swore I wouldn't cry. I've spent hours on my knees praying for the strength to do this without making it harder on you. I know letting you see my pain hurts you. You're a good man, Early. It can't be any other way. "Early, I beg you to let me finish this. I think it'll help you, but I just can't right now. I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Please, let me meet you someplace tomorrow, it'll give you some time to absorb what I've told you and give me time to recover." Early felt like a straw whirling in the vortex of a F5 tornado. With that image came one of the common anomalies found after the strongest of tornados had past. It was common to find bits of straw, or even grass, half buried in telephone poles. Early knew that the wind didn't actually drive the straw into the pole. The low pressure of the tornado opened to fibers of the pole and straw just lodged there as the pole contracted again. Early shook his head to clear the trivia. The physics of it didn't matter; what mattered was that in an emotional storm like this, impossible things happened. As he watched Susan's pain, it touched him in impossible ways. Ways he didn't want to be touched, and although finding answers to his questions seemed more urgent now than ever, he wanted distance right now, too. Straining to keep the emotion out of his voice he said, "I think that's a good idea. Tomorrow is a day at sea. Perhaps we can find a quiet place to meet after lunch." Susan's face brightened. "Thank you, Early. I appreciate this. Could we meet at the Latitudes at noon? I'll have my act together, and I have to confess I'm looking forward to trying some of the restaurants on this ship." Early hadn't intended to ask her to join him for lunch, but didn't see an easy way to un-invite her. "Okay, Latitudes requires a reservation, I'll make them for us at noon... " Early was struggling for a way to ask not to see her before then when Susan again showed her remarkable ability to read him. "Don't worry, Early, I'll make myself scarce until lunch. I would like to use the gym just before lunch, about ten if that's okay?" Early nodded that it was, and without another word Susan quietly let herself out of the suite. Early retired to his private porch to commune with the stars and with whatever being was out there. The longer he stayed the madder he got... He just couldn't decide who he was mad at and exactly why he was furious. His ex-wife was a slut and a whore, by her own admission she'd cheated on him dozens of times, but he'd divorced her and that should have balanced the books. He was mad as hell that she was on the ship, yet he'd invited her, sort of, and he really wanted to hear the rest of her story. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 9: The Conversation Part 2 It was well after three in the morning when he'd finally worked out why he was so mad. That damn bitch was robbing him of the illusion of the happy marriage he'd thought he'd had. She had made a fool of him for years and that made him mad as hell. What robbed his s?eep though was anger at himself that he still cared about what she had done and why. He didn't love her, that was certain, but he felt a deep need to understand what had happened, why he'd been so wrong about the most important relationship in his life. Even Early's sour mood couldn't destroy the epicurean's delight they were served at lunch. By mutual agreement last night's discussion wasn't mentioned until they'd left the restaurant and were strolling the ship looking for an isolated corner for a private chat. As they strolled they discovered vast empty spaces, whole lounges as empty as a honky-tonk at breakfast, but Early couldn't settle and they walked on making small talk. Finally, Susan said, "Early, my cheating never humiliated you or made you less of a man. I know that technically I made you a cuckold, but you never accepted it, not even for a second, and it doesn't reflect on you at all, except perhaps because you looked at me through the lens of love and didn't see what a horrible person I really am. In your defense, no one else ever knew either. I never felt the need to 'share' my stupidity with my girlfriends or with anyone else. Not one of the men I cheated with ever knew my name, much less yours. You never saw them and they never had anything to lord over you. Not that you have to believe me, but I've never had a sex partner whose skills put them in your universe, much less in your class. "My cheating had nothing to do with you, but only with the rottenness of my character. I was very careful, except with John, never to do anything that might be discovered by you. There were always days between the time I was with someone else and when I was with you. I never gave you sloppy seconds or anything like that. I never thought about any sex partner when I was with you, never, not a single time. I did think about you every time I was with someone else. I think that was one reason that the actual sex was never very good. Oh, and I certainly never did anything with a sex partner, that's what I called them, and how I thought of them, not really men, just sex partners. I never did anything sexually with them that I refused to do with you. The only position was standard missionary. "Early, you have nothing to hang your head about. I'm a smart woman and a skilled liar, I'm a lawyer, and I'm trained to hide my real feelings which I did well. You need to understand that you're the 100% victim here. My bad behavior began years before I ever met you and the only reason you caught me was because I was actually trying not to be involved with John." Early whirled on her, "So you thought no harm no foul? What I didn't know wouldn't hurt me? What about AIDS or a hundred other things..." Susan gripped Early's arms, "Yes, to an extent I thought 'no harm, no foul.' I was that stupid, but I had had years of experience that PROVED I would never get caught. Early, I'm not trying to justify what I did. I will suffer the rest of my life for it and I will never complain that my punishment is unfair. The major reason was that I just didn't think of what I was doing as cheating on you. You weren't any part of it. I said the words 'forsaking all others, ' but I never meant them. I would never have agreed to an open marriage, but after thinking about it for the years since that weekend with John, I'm sure I would not have accepted you doing what I did either. It's not logical and I wasn't fair. I was a selfish bitch and awfully stupid for such a smart woman." Early felt his blood pressure rising, "And you think I should just forgive you and pretend none of this ever happened? Well that's..." "Early! You do have to forgive me, you don't have to pretend it didn't happen, you don't even have to let me try to make it up. I don't mean by marrying me either, I mean by making you whole. That was a terrible letter; my only excuse is that I was dying inside while I wrote it, but there were a lot of things I got right even back then. I didn't mean to try to manipulate you, it was... I guess I was trying manipulate you but I didn't expect yo? to come back to me. Even then I knew that wouldn't be best for you and I want what is best for you more than I want anything else." Early felt his guts twist. He was engaged in a sort of emotional judo. Every time he lashed out at her, he felt like he was kicking a puppy, and his self-disgust out-weighed any pleasure the emotional hitting may have brought him. And most frustrating to him, he didn't think he was any closer to understanding the answers he so desperately wanted. "Susan, in the simplest terms you can, why did you cheat on me?" Susan looked up at him, her eyes full of love and sadness. "Early, until you understand it wasn't simple you won't understand my answers. The closest to simple was Stickner. He was putting pressure on me to reward him for his help. I had some vague plan to turn the tables on him; he was a pretty slimy creature, but for heaven's sake I had all the family money to be totally independent. For that matter I could take him on in a sexual harassment suit that would have ruined him. I agreed to break my own rules because I wanted to make sure that he would never reveal what we did and he wouldn't hit on someone else who didn't have my resources. He was the only person I ever spent the night with besides you, and that includes my old lovers. I had wired the room we were going to be in that night, but he wouldn't have gone if I hadn't agreed to all the stuff we did at his house first. I'm so sorry you had to see that. "No, all that is the flimsiest cover on the real reason, I wanted to see what it was like to be with someone who used other people sexually like I did. It was worse than horrible by the way. Oh, the sex was almost adequate, but if he'd been a lover he would have been the worst. That's part of what made it so bad. It was the only time I had ever felt like I was cheating. When we talked on the phone that first time, when I lied to you, my stomach hurt. I'd like to say I'd decided to change to stop fucking around before you caught me, before I knew the consequences, but I can't honestly swear that he would have been the last one. After Stickner I would have stopped, but I don't know that I would never have started again. Early, can you see what an awful person you were married to? Can you see how much better you are off without me as your wife? Why did I cheat? Because I was a cheater and I didn't value my vows. Because I loved the tension of..." She turned away, crying again. Early had to hold one hand with the other, knuckles turning white, to keep from taking her in his arms to comfort her. He hated her yet it hurt to see her hurting. It bothered him to hear her talk about herself the way she did--he felt an impulse to defend her. At the same time he wanted to rail at her, to call her every vile name he could conjure up. Turning on his heel Early marched off, leaving a sobbing Susan leaning over a railing. By dinner time Early knew that he was releasing some of the anger that left his muscles twitching. That anger had been a constant part of him since he first saw the private detective's pictures. He was relieved that he didn't see her in Signatures that evening, although a small part of him wanted to lash out and tell her to stay out of his way, a part he couldn't understand wanted to hear more, to understand. Have I become a glutton for punishment or what? The next day the ship re-lived Monday all over again as they crossed the International Date Line. Early spent much of the day in his suite just thinking and trying to understand why he was reacting the way he was. On Tuesday May 2nd they arrived at Bora Bora right on schedule at 9:00 AM. Early left with the first group but didn't take the excursion he'd booked. Instead he set off wandering and soon found himself in the poorest section of the island. He was struck by two things--first the squalor of third world poverty. But it was what he noticed second that had the stronger emotional impact. He saw little scenes of people who were laughing, who seemed happy despite their poverty. The irony wasn't lost on him. In the?hierarchy of the ship, his cabin suite placed him at the pinnacle of wealth and luxury, yet these people whose lifetime earnings probably wouldn't pay for his twenty-seven-night cruise seemed so much happier than he. And all because a cheating bitch decided to dump me... Early paused in mid-thought. He'd dumped Susan she hadn't dumped him! She'd never wanted the divorce, she wanted... Early had continued walking but now stopped dead in his tracks. She had been the one to throw the marriage away. By cheating on him, right from the start she'd never valued their marriage, never valued him! She had never put him first, she'd never forsaken all others... He'd done what he could to punish her, but now looking honestly at the situation he understood that a major reason he hadn't been able to move on was because he hated being dumped, especially when he didn't understand it. This whole cheating from before they'd even met didn't make any sense. He believed her, but it was just so out of character with everything else he thought he knew about her. Forsaking all others meant so much more than not having sex outside of the marriage. It meant that your spouse would be the most important person in your life. More important than your parents, more important than your children... He'd always been sure Susan had done that. She'd shown in so many ways by her actions that he did place his happiness above her own... except... except... The pain of her betrayal had receded over time, but the pain of having her shred the most important relationship of his whole life hadn't faded even a smidgen. Susan had forced him to throw her out; she had understood that he wouldn't tolerate another man in their marriage, but even though she gave, and had always given, every indication that she wanted their marriage as much as he, she'd made it impossible. She hadn't attempted to excuse her behavior with psychobabble about being a sex addict or any other such nonsense, but... but why did she feel the need to cheat? Early still didn't understand, and it made his guts twist. Early spent the next three days involved in doing tourist stuff, first on Moorea then at Papeete. He did some sightseeing, the obligatory para-sailing, but he spent as much time as he could snorkeling. One of the things that Early had learned on this trip was that he loved snorkeling. He knew that the tour boat operators fed the fish at the same locations every time to draw fish, but then so did deer lease operators. What was important was that it felt like you were swimming in an aquarium. Over his life, Early had made many attempts to have an aquarium. He shuddered to think about how much he'd spent trying to have one. At one point he was buying 25 Neons a week while cleaning his tank every other day. Some people have a green thumb and others a talent for raising fish... Susan had a talent for both. Their garden had always been beautiful, and she'd had a gorgeous aquarium before they married. By that time Early had given up years earlier, and in a rare pique had told her he didn't really like private aquariums. Truthfully, he'd been afraid he'd kill them and didn't want the responsibility of trying to maintain Susan's beloved fish. Susan had given her aquarium away and never mentioned it. How can a woman love me enough to give away her favorite hobby, yet cheat on me? During his last snorkeling on Thursday morning in Papeete, Early knew that he had to finish the conversation he'd started with Susan. He'd decided he'd have to force himself to forego the once in a lifetime opportunity to browse the native shops in Nuku Hiva... balanced against that shopping opportunity, meeting an ex-wife didn't seem quite as distasteful. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Friday was a day at sea and a formal dinner. Early decided that he'd take Susan to dinner, she'd always loved to dress up. After some dancing they'd be able to have the talk with a pleasant social evening to cushion the hardness that would follow. Early was strolling in one of the m?riad lounges waiting for Susan to join him for their 8:00 dinner reservation. When he caught sight of her in her formal gown it took his breath away. It also made his heart ache. To see such a magnificent creature and to know that she was once his. Early offered his arm and was very aware of heads turning as he escorted her to their table. Tonight they were dining alone at a table not far from the grand piano being played by a performance artist who played difficult pieces with flashy cross hand movements. Her repertoire was eclectic to say the least. She alternated current hits with classics by Chopin and Brahms. The dinner menu included lobster tails, and the waiter made a show of removing the meat from the shell. The meat was perfect, and when the waiter asked in a conspiratorial tone if he would like more, Early eagerly agreed to not only a second tail, but a third. It was a choice he almost regretted a little later when they were dancing in the aft lounge. The ship encountered a squall, and for the first time on the entire voyage it began to sway both from side to side and to corkscrew up and down. At first it was just a minor hindrance to Early's less than accomplished dancing. Susan, always the better dancer pretended not to notice when Early trod on her feet, but even her skill was taxed when he managed to trip her. Early, grimly determined to ignore the gyrations of the ship, acknowledged defeat when his stomach announced that barring some sort of action, the lobster tails were coming back for a re-match. Based on his experience in smaller boats, Early sought a place were he could see the motion of the sea. Early leaned on the rail overlooking the nearly empty pool through the rain-splattered glass. They were the only ones in lounge on deck twelve, the top of the ship. For the entire cruise, the ship had been so stable that Early had been disappointed with the lack of feeling of being at sea. Now, Early watched as three foot waves rocked in the indoor pool on deck eleven. Susan was standing right beside him. They couldn't hear the wind howling, but as they'd passed the outdoor pool they'd watched several deck chairs take flight before the attendants could gather and secure them. The bit of fresh air had handled the insipient sea sickness, called mal de mar by the ship's crew to make the horrible condition sound classy. Watching the ship and the water in the pool, quieted the rest of the protests from Early's inner ear about the wrongness of this world at sea. The setting seemed perfect to discuss the tumultuous end of their marriage. Turning to Susan Early said, "I'm finding it hard to believe that you never considered that your cheating would ruin our marriage. You're too smart to not given that thought." Susan turned as well, and looked up at Early with guileless eyes. "Early, my cheating was highly compartmentalized. I never considered stopping, so my thought pattern was more 'How do I make certain that Early never finds out about this part of me.' It was something to be hidden, not given up. It was as if I had a secret drug habit to hide from you, but that makes it sound like some sort of addiction. "I had full control of what I did and I could have stopped at any point. I should have stopped; hell I did stop, after it was too late and it wasn't hard at all. I guess a better analogy would be if I were a closet sky-diver or bungee-jumper. The thrill for me ended as soon as the sex started." She stopped and looked deeply into Early's eyes. Early waited until she continued, "The first element was the hunt. Except that first time when I lost my virginity, I never actively sought out a sex partner. If the conditions were right, you were out of town or I was, and someone who looked acceptable approached... I guess that's not completely honest, I'd place myself in a circumstance where what I wanted to happen could happen. It was actually very elaborate. I'd find an excellent reason to be at a place away from our normal haunts. Like meeting a client at the Hilton at the airport. I'd go early and see if any?ne I thought was acceptable hit on me. If they did, I'd rebuff them publicly but get their phone number sub-rosa. Then if they were from out of town and married, I'd have them get a room at the Plaza. "You know I love that restaurant and it's on their top floor. It's not far from my office and if anyone saw me there alone and mentioned it to you, you wouldn't be suspicious. Depending on the timing, I would either stop by the sex partner's room before or after a dinner. The interludes never took long..." Early interrupted, "I feel like I've been dropped down Alice's rabbit hole. 'The interludes never took long!' What the hell where you doing throwing away our marriage on something that didn't even matter to you?" Susan had a firm but soothing voice, "I had no intention of throwing our marriage away. The sex partner always wore condoms, and I took every precaution not to get caught. I know how stupid this all sounds; I've lived with the insanity of it for three years now. I was doing it for the thrill I got by making myself vulnerable to a stranger, to the danger of the situation. It really did have more in common with bungee jumping than sex. Early, I was doing it for that emotion I felt when I took off my clothes in front of a man to have sex. I was doing it for the special vulnerability I felt when I opened myself to allow him to enter me. Once he was in me, the thrill was gone and I just wanted the whole thing over. "I told you that I never thought about them when I was with you, but I frequently pretended one of them was you when I was a with them. It makes what I did ever so much worse. I didn't even realize it at the time. I was betraying you, your trust, I was taking chances with my life and your happiness, all for a momentary thrill. It wasn't a sickness, or some sort of mental disorder, it was just a cheap thrill." Early was having a hard time absorbing what Susan had said. It would have been one thing to throw something as valuable as their relationship away for another relationship, but this... This was throwing pearls before swine. She hadn't valued fidelity enough not to throw it away over affairs. "It was sexual, you had sex with those men and you shared an experience that should have been mine alone. How many were there anyway?" Susan looked up at him, her eyes unflinching, "It was sex, betrayal, adultery, cheating; it was intolerable and there's no way you would have put up with it or accepted it. I could never respect you if you had been willing to let me do what I was doing. That's the point of all my being here Early. You were right to divorce me and you're right to not let me come back. The only thing that isn't right is to keep holding on to your anger at me for destroying something precious, not our marriage, but your image of our marriage. I wish I had been the person you thought I was, but I wasn't. You need to put me behind you. I want to finish this cruise, Early, but to finish it as friends who made a mistake in getting married but corrected it with a divorce and can now be friends again." She searched his eyes, "I don't think that'll work though. I think I'll need to leave the ship at Nuku Hiva tomorrow and fly home. I think that will be easier on you. It'll give you a week alone to absorb what I've told you. When you get back to Seattle, you can give me a call if there's anything else you want to cover. Or if you like to tear my hide off for what I did to you, or anything else that will help you move on with your life." Early felt a bitterness well up inside him, "Is that it? Is this what it all boils down to? I made a mistake marrying the wrong person and now I'm supposed to go out and find the right one?" Early could see Susan trying to keep the sadness out of her face, "Early, I wish it were more, but sometimes there just aren't any big causes. I presented you with all my best sides. I'm smart, I can make you laugh, I'm not hard on the eyes, and I was devoted to you totally--except monogamy, which I hid. The cross I have to bear is knowing that when I chose between a good life a?d a cheap thrill, I chose to ruin two lives. I can't fix mine, but I need to try to help you fix yours. "In that vein, I'll do anything that helps you. I read in a story once about a man who would spend an hour a day venting at his wife for her cheating. She wasn't allowed to answer or respond in any way. She just had to listen to him. The idea was that it let the husband release some of his pain and let him know that she understood. We're not married, but if you ever feel the need to just vent, I'll always be willing to listen. I'll answer or just absorb as you want. Early, I've hurt you. I didn't mean to, but that's no excuse. I can't think of anything that I wouldn't do to try to make it better for you." The squall seemed to be losing its power, but Early's emotions weren't calmed in the least. He couldn't imagine that he'd ever want to see Susan after what he'd learned, but it was possible that railing and ranting at some point might make him feel better. For now, he was just relieved that she was leaving the ship. This was a huge ship, but too small a place to avoid someone who wasn't chained to her cabin. It violated Early's sense of fairness to ask Susan or anyone else to stay in their cabin while sailing on this slice of paradise. Susan left the ship right after they docked at noon the next day. Early cancelled his shore excursion and stayed in his cabin until they sailed five hours later. Nuku Hiva was their last port of call. They would spend the next week at sea arriving back in LA on Saturday. Early watched from one of the stern lounges as the island fell behind them. Shortly before dark it looked like a low cloud on the horizon. It seemed some sort of metaphor for his relationship with Susan, but he couldn't decide exactly what. He'd loved Susan, but it had been like this cruise, a dream. He'd loved someone who didn't exist and who caused him more pain than he thought possible for a human to endure. Yet a question kept niggling at the far reaches of his mind. Knowing what he knew now, would he do it all over again? Did the good outweigh the bad? On balance was their marriage something to be remembered fondly, or something to be erased to the extent possible? Being honest, he had been happy, but it had been a lie... Images and memories swirled in Early's brain, the good contaminating the bad... sorting them out seemed an insurmountable problem... but Early was an excellent problem solver. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 10: A Different Sort of Talk Six Days Later: Early was again standing behind the windshield on deck twelve where he and Susan had their last talk. For the second time on the trip they were encountering rough weather. They were due in LA in the morning, and the captain had been very apologetic that they couldn't avoid the storm and still dock on schedule. Early had been daunted by the task of getting all his stuff back into his suitcases and ready for pickup before midnight. He'd called his steward to find out the deadline and had quickly accepted the steward's offer to let him pack for Early. Early only packed a carry-on for what he would need in LA. That unpleasant task delegated, Early had vacated his suite to get out of the way. The weather made any activity on the open decks impossible. The combination of the weather making the decks uncomfortable and everyone's need to pack gave the ship a empty feeling. Restless, Early had finally gone back to deck twelve to watch the winds and the waves. Mal de mar wasn't a concern this time because Early had taken some Dramamine as soon as the captain had recommended that guests might want to consider medication before the ship encountered the storm. No, Early's stomach wasn't what had him at the highest point of the ship this late afternoon watching the angry ocean doing its best to disrupt or destroy the ship. No, it was the storm in Early's soul, a storm even more violent than the twenty to twenty-five foot waves, driven by gale force winds, crashing over the bow. Early had spent the l?st six days alternating between quiet meditation, serious introspection about his life and what he wanted from it, and blinding anger. For the first day or so after Susan left, Early hadn't been fit company for man nor beast. While Susan was there, he'd been unable to absorb the breadth of her betrayal. With her gone, for the first time Early understood how some spouses could commit murder. His fertile imagination produced repeated images of Susan taking off her clothes for other men, of her opening herself to accept their cocks into her. Early was so furious that several times he picked up the ship-to-shore phone to call her and vent, only to be deterred by remembering that it would still cost him $7.50 a minute. Sometime after lunch on the second day, when Early was jogging around the track on deck twelve, he stopped and looked over the bow. Asking himself for the ten millionth time why the images should bother him. For the ten millionth and first time he told himself that it was history, in the past, and should be of no concern. Then he asked himself to imagine Susan meeting someone now, right this minute in her apartment. Undressing for someone right that instant, preparing to fuck some asshole as he stood looking at the impossibly blue water of the Pacific Ocean. It was the pain of his death grip on the railing that brought a new clarity. He didn't want Susan fucking anyone, now or in the future. He hadn't realized that he'd been comforted by the portion of her letter that said she was going to be celibate. Being with other women hadn't bothered him, why would Susan's celibacy mean anything? Why did his gut tighten at the very thought of her with another? Early had always been honest with himself; it disturbed him to discover that being honest with yourself about how you feel didn't always mean you knew how you felt. In his honesty, Early had to face his ambivalences. Early was a problem solver, but in the days since he'd had that insight about Susan's celibacy he hadn't been able solve the problem of Susan. He had clarified his emotions. He knew he hated what she'd done, and he knew he would never share her with others. He understood that he still loved her. Rather he loved the person he had thought she was. Perhaps because she hadn't said the words, "I've changed," all his instincts told him she had changed, had become in fact the woman he had thought he'd been married to. The woman he wanted as a wife, the mother of his children. He knew he wanted to start over, but he also knew that she didn't deserve a second chance. Hell, it wouldn't be a second chance but closer to a twentieth chance depending on how many lovers... no sex partners she'd had during their marriage. He was most conflicted about trust. By her actions she proved beyond any doubt that she couldn't be trusted. Yet by her actions she showed she was being honest with him... if he could believe her. Being able to make decisions and stick by them was one of Early's strengths, yet now, when he needed to make a choice in his own life, he felt like a tightrope walker half way across a swaying wire. "It's quite a blow out there; it almost reminds me of when I was in the Navy." Early turned to see a white-haired, rotund gentleman with a kindly face walk up beside him. He continued, "I hope you don't mind the company, but this is the best place to watch the storm, and I always feel more comfortable if I can see what's coming. I've always had a love-hate relationship with storms. The smaller the ships the stronger the relationship." Early smothered his irritation and realized he welcomed the distraction. "What sort of ships did you serve on?" The man smiled, looked at Early then continued in a breezy fashion, "I was always stationed on larger ships, carriers or guided missile cruisers, but my job would take me to every ship in the carrier group. I got stuck in a little destroyer during a hurricane once; I wasn't allowed to come up to the bridge very often, and when I did I regretted it. I saw waves roll over the oh-four deck. I swear the ship would ?e completely under water, then quiver like a cold, wet dog as it worked its way back to the surface, get hit by a new wave and start all over again. I heard the XO order a work party to check that all the exterior doors were double-dogged-down, because if one came open we'd sink like a rock. "The only other time I was ever that scared was in a category 5 typhoon on a carrier. The stupid admiral actually ordered the carrier group into the center of the thing quote 'for training purposes' close quote. I swear I saw waves break over the flight deck! That's about ten stories up on a normal day. I may have been the only one on board that saw it, but I swear I did!" Early chuckled, the man had an engaging voice and an uncanny ability to make those around him feel at ease. "So what are you doing on a long cruise like this, didn't get enough in the Navy?" "Oh, I got enough of the Navy's style of cruising, and letting women serve aboard ship just made it that much harder for me to be at sea without my wife. We've been married forty years; this cruise was a way to celebrate that. I'm Jim Martin by the way, I'm retired Navy, but I've never lost my interest in meeting new people or going to new places. What brought you aboard? You're quite the mystery man you know. Ensconced in the biggest cabin in the ship but all alone. Never socializing with anyone except that equally mysterious woman who showed up from nowhere and then disappeared. Oh yes, the gossips aboard ship have been having a field day with you." The man's delivery and timing would have intimidated a stand up comic. Any possible sting of his actual words were lost in the humor of his presentation. Yet Early did have to pause to let them sink in. He always ate with others, except for the occasional meal in his suite, but he'd never been very forthcoming with information beyond the "what's your name, where are you from and what do you do for a living" sort of questions that normally led to small talk. "That was no mysterious woman, that was my ex-wife!" Early tried to put a Groucho Marx voice to the comment, but his heart wasn't in it. The old man was silent for a bit, then in a gentle voice asked, "Do you want to talk about it? I don't mean to intrude..." Early started to defer, but instead he began to talk to the stranger. He rationalized that he'd never see the man again, and sometimes just talking a problem out with another human could give him insight. The two men talked for hours. It hadn't taken Early long to realize that he was dealing with someone who was an expert in dealing with human relationships. Jim Martin might look like a kindly old man, but he was a wicked inquisitor who seemed to be able to keep digging until he got to the heart of the matter. He used humor and mis-direction to keep his victims off balance. Even as Early became aware, indeed admiring the man's technique, he found that he did want to open up to the man. He shared thoughts and histories that he'd never shared with another living soul, and felt good about doing it. Finally, after they'd moved so they could see the sun setting beyond the stern of the ship, Jim said, "Early, you know she doesn't deserve your love or your forgiveness, yet you want to do both. I don't want to get all religious on you at this late date but what you're really struggling with is the basis of Christianity, grace. Christianity is the only religion where man doesn't have to 'get right with God' but God made the sacrifice to balance the scales for man. What man has to do is receive his grace. It's one of the hardest things in the world for a real man to accept. There is nothing we can do, on our own, to make things right with God. All we can do is receive his sacrifice or reject it. "Early, you are in a God-like situation with your ex. There is nothing she can do now or in the future to make things right with you. You can extend grace to her or not. Then, regardless of her response, you can feel good about what you have done, and go with your future. Certainly, if she isn't prepared to change her ways, then?it's pretty clear that she doesn't want your grace, but your permission. Which would never work, by the way, not for you, not based on what you've told me about yourself. "Early, I've got to go get ready for dinner and the farewell party. My wife is going to make me wear my monkey suit tonight. She wanted me to wear my old formal uniform complete with gold cummerbund; fortunately my civilian spread has made that impossible. Still, after all this fine food, I might need to find a girdle to get into what I did bring. Would you care to join us?" Early thought about it, Jim was a man he wanted to spend time with, but ultimately he wanted to spend time alone thinking about all the things that he'd said. Getting dressed up for a farewell party just didn't appeal to him. He had kept to himself most of the trip and he liked the symmetry of being able to put his old life behind him with the end of this trip. He simply needed to decide what he wanted to do with his new life. Jim had given him something new to think about and Early had always done his best thinking alone. "You've given me a lot to think about, I think I'm going to pass on the whole gala tonight. I'll probably order into my stateroom and see if the steward needs any help getting me all packed." Jim gave him a penetrating look then said, "It might take a bit for you to work through all of this, if you want to talk some more give me a call. Here, let me give you my card. You're a good man, Early, and I miss working with good men since I retired." Early accepted the card and nodded, a bit embarrassed by the praise, and returned to his suite to find that his efficient steward had not only packed everything but that the suitcases had been whisked off as well. Barring a problem at immigration, Early wouldn't see them again until he landed in Seattle. The next morning Early was up early. When he'd asked his well-tipped steward about what time he'd be able to leave in the morning. That worthy had told him, with a grin, that since he was in the Master's suite he'd probably have to wait until they docked, but if he didn't want to wait that long he could go ashore with the pilot boat. Early had checked on flights to Seattle and discovered that if he could indeed get off early he might be able to make Alaska Airline's flight 245 at a little after ten and be home for lunch around one. As much as he'd enjoyed his time on this floating luxury liner, Early wanted to get to Seattle and talk to Susan face to face. At least half his urgency was uncertainty about what he would do and how he would react when he encountered her. Early was reminded of an old movie he'd seen. He couldn't remember who starred in it, perhaps Audrey Hepburn. She'd been faced with a dilemma about the truthfulness of the man she was falling for, and someone put forward the old riddle about lying Dirty-foot tribe and truthful clean-foot tribe. Dirty-feet couldn't tell the truth and Clean-feet couldn't lie. The actress wasn't interested in the riddle, only the truth and said she'd probably look at their feet, the correct answer to the riddle was to ask one what a member of the other tribe would say. The answer would always be untrue. Early knew that Susan could deceive him. How could he ever trust her again? When Early went to claim his luggage at the airport he saw just how much he had for the first time. As Early loaded his luggage cart he decided that two of his bags must have engaged in some sort of unnatural behavior to produce this litter of smaller cases and bags. After a futile attempt to load it all into a regular size cab, he'd been forced to pay a premium for one of the min-van type cabs to be able to hold his luggage's new family. Early's apartment had that neglected look that is hard to explain but impossible not to see. Still, Early dumped his luggage in the middle of the living room floor before taking a quick shower and heading over to Susan's apartment. When he got there, no one answered his rings or repeated knocking. As he was turning to leave, he spotted Susan returning with an e?pty trash can. She looked horrible. She didn't have any make-up on and she'd lost weight... weight she couldn't afford to lose. She was only a few feet away when his presence finally registered on her, whereupon she gave a shriek and practically screamed, "Early! What the hell are you doing here? You can't see me like this!" Early who hadn't been able to keep suspicious thoughts from forming when no one answered the door now wanted to laugh. Susan wasn't expecting company, not looking the way she did. "I just landed and I came right over, I wanted to finish our talks." Susan looked like she was going to cry, "Oh Early! How did you get here so soon? I've been praying that you might want to see me, I was just going to get cleaned up on the off chance that you might call. But, I checked the flights and you can't get here until this evening! Early, really, you can't see me like this, please, let me take a shower and get fixed up, please." Early ignored her protests, she might not want him to see her au natural, but she was clearly pleased to have him here. "Susan, let's go in and talk. There's some things I want to get straight." Susan nodded and squeezed past him to open her door, then squeaked again and tried to close it, "Early, can't we go someplace else, you don't want to see my place like this..." Early pushed the door open, he'd already seen what he thought she was trying to hide. The place was decorated in early period "Susan and Early." Pictures and memorabilia of their life together dominated the apartment. Over on one wall was a 11x14 picture of him complete with two candle holders and partially used candles. It was to sort of arrangement you might find in the home of a very religious Catholic except the picture would have been of Jesus or Mary. There was an poignancy in Susan's voice when she said, "It's not exactly what you might think. I don't have an obsession, even my shrink thought that what I've done is healthy." Early searched her eyes, "You're going to a shrink?" Susan smiled. "No, I went right after the divorce to see if there was a magic pill I could take to make me not hurt. After about four sessions the shrink said I was perfectly normal, I had good reasons to feel bad and I was dealing with them in a healthy way. "I didn't want you to see this because I didn't want you to let my feelings get in the way of your moving on. That's what I need. As long as you stay single I can't help hoping that something might happen to get us back together. My only hope is that you'll find someone, marry and have children. Then, I'll know there's no hope and I might be able to move on too." Early reached out and lifted Susan's chin, "So, that chastity till death part of your letter was puffery? You really just mean until there's no hope for me?" Susan's voice was firm when she answered, but the tear that rolled down her cheek showed her true feelings, "That's right, Early, it was just manipulation. Once I have you safely married off, I can get on with my own life... so if you care about me at all you'll find someone..." She turned and fled back to her bedroom. Almost fifteen minutes later she emerged still looking overwrought. "Early, why won't you let me at least try to do the right thing? I do want what's best for you with my whole heart. I can't pretend that I don't want you, or that my life without you isn't meaningless, but please believe me, I'm trying to help you be happy. You deserve happiness, I'm the one that doesn't. I will always be your wife, there's never going to be anyone else in my life. I can live with that, I can even be happy in a day-to-day sort of way as long as I don't see you." She paused, "I meant that in a good way, not that seeing you makes me unhappy." Early locked eyes with her and she met his steady gaze. "You said I have to forgive you, what does that look like in the real world? I don't think it's possible for exes to be 'good friends, ' so what sort of behavior do you want from me?" "I think it means you can move past the anger stage of your grief process. I don't know,?Early, I just know I want you to be happy. For you to be happy you need a partner, a wife and you need children. I know it doesn't mean you have to be involved with me, but you have to love again." With their eyes still locked, Early could see her chin quivering at the edge of his vision. "What if that's what I want? What if I want what we once had, or what I thought we once had?" "NO!" Her chin stopped quivering as she stamped her foot. Her eyes flashed as she continued, "No Early! I'm the last thing you want, or deserve, a cheating whore, and a screwed up one at that!" Early smiled, "What if I decided that the best way to punish you for all you did would be keep you close so I could mess with your head, your heart..." Pain flickered through Susan's eyes then she said, "I'd have trouble with that..." she paused, her face brightened, "but you won't do it, you're too good a man. I know you Early, forgiving me and moving on would be good for you. Taking me back won't work, and I won't let you do that. I don't deserve you." Still smiling Early asked, "Would you be faithful not just to the letter of that word but the spirit of it too? Would you forsake all others for just me?" "Oh Early, don't do this to me. You know that's what I want more than anything. I would never... the very idea of another man now makes my skin crawl. That doesn't change what I was. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Even if I never look at another man you'll always know that I'm a cheater. I break vows, I didn't value our commitment and you deserve someone better than me." Susan was pleading with her eyes, but Early saw she wasn't certain what she was pleading for. Early's face turned grim. "Yes, Susan I do deserve someone better than the woman you were. Still, the fact is I loved that woman more than I knew was possible for a man to love a woman. You don't deserve another chance. I don't have to give you one, but I can choose to do it. A man on the ship talked to me about grace. The whole idea of giving a sinner something they don't deserve. I've spent more hours than I care to remember thinking about this. In my heart of hearts I know that I can extend grace to you. Not forgiveness, because that would be saying that I somehow balanced the scales, and they never will be. "Part of what I didn't understand until I talked to Jim was how to get past the issue of justice. He showed me that sometimes the scales of justice will never balance, without a 'finger weight, ' that is unless I do something to make them balance. One of the things that has torn my guts apart about what you did is that I was powerless. I couldn't stop you and I couldn't punish you either without your permission or going to jail. In granting grace, I have the power, no one can force me, and in giving it I acknowledge that you can't earn it. It's a gift from me to you. It's the gift that puts us back to square one. Jim had a funny way of putting it, he said, "let the dead bury the dead, let the past bury the past." I'm going to have to look him up somehow and thank him. He's retired military so I should be able to find him through them." Susan's eyes had been getting bigger as she listened to Early, "You don't mean Admiral Martin do you? Oh God, I knew he was on the ship, but I never did see him." Early's face must have reflected his confusion because she continued, "He's a world famous theologian, was the head chaplain for the Navy and the personal pastor to the last four presidents. He's written a slough of best-selling books about God and human relationship. I was dying to meet him, but I didn't have the nerve... I'm babbling, Early, what about trust and your pain? Why would you want to live with me when you know that even if I'm as faithful as an old hunting dog, there will still be times when you'll doubt me?" Early gave her a wry grin and said, "Trust and verify! I've never looked at your Private Investigator's reports, but since you did set up a trust to have yourself covered, I will use it. If nothing else, it might serve as a deterrence to help you keep to the st?aight and narrow." Early gave a dry chuckle, "The fact is, though, I do believe you. I don't think you can look me in the face and lie to me ever again. If I have the power to grant you grace, I'm giving you to power to hurt me..." "Never Early, I swear to God if you give me this chance I'll give up my life before I would let anyone or anything hurt you. Early, this is so much. Can we go to the aquarium and just walk and talk like the old days? I haven't been there since the divorce; I knew it was one of your favorite places and I didn't want to ruin your visit there by seeing me. There's a new baby sea otter named Alki that I've been dying to see..." For the first time Susan broke eye contact and turned her back to Early. "No, no Early, please don't do this to me. How can you just put all I've done behind you? If you haven't thought this through it will kill me to lose you again. Early took her in his arms, "Susan, I'm human. I can't promise that when we get into a fight, in the heat of anger, I won't throw your past up at you. If, no, when I do, you have my permission to throw it right back. My commitment to grace is on the same level as my marriage vows." When he took her into his arms, the move hadn't been sexual, but as he pulled her to him he became acutely aware of two things. His hands were on her breasts and her ass was mashed against his rapidly growing erection. In all of his thinking about Susan and their future, sex had never intruded. Odd, since Susan was by any measure the best he'd ever had. Evidently, if his mind hadn't been thinking about that minor detail, other parts of his anatomy had been anxious. Susan spun in his arms and pressed herself fully to him. Her cheek rested on his chest and her tears wet his shirt. After a full minute of silence Susan lifted her head and said, "Early, you have to know how much I want you, but let me make it more special. I need a bath, I look a mess and..." Early cut her off with a kiss. His tongue moved into her mouth and was caressed by hers. Her breath was sweet and her taste what he'd remembered. He couldn't get enough of her. At the same time that he wanted to be tender and loving, he also wanted to consume her with his mouth, with his whole body. He crushed her body to his and felt her involuntary moan, but no resistance. Her arm went under his, first around his back then moved up until each hand was on one of his shoulders pulling him to her. Early broke the kiss and sucked a deep breath. That breath was full of her scent, spicy and warm. Susan was breathing hard as she again lay her wet cheek on his chest. She did that little move he'd tried so hard to forget. It was something like a cross between a shiver and shimmy. It had always been her body's involuntary announcement that she was open to any and every thing he might want of her. Early's cock was hard enough to crush diamonds. His hand moved down her back and pulled her blouse from her jeans. Susan's response was to pull herself closer. Then with an unnatural abruptness she pulled back. "Early, it's my fertile time and I haven't used protection because I knew I didn't need it." She bit her lip, "I know I want your baby, but is this the right time? Early, I'm scared by all this..." Again Early cut her off with a kiss. This one was tender. The thought of making a baby had, impossibly, made his cock harder, but it gave the rest of him pause. In the abstract, Early wanted kids; he'd even accepted that he wanted Susan's children. However, faced with the actual act of making them, he was conflicted. Desire was balanced with fear at the awesome responsibility of creating new life. Early was a problem solver and it only took him a few seconds to solve this one. "I want your baby, our baby, but I want it done the right way. I want us married and all legal. Right now I also want you and I don't want to wear a condom either. The only solution I can figure is to see what sort of flights are available to Las Vegas. We can get married, get you pregnant and still have time to see a show before we come home S?nday. Susan's face glowed as she playfully hit Early on the shoulder, "Early this is like waking up from a nightmare into a fairytale. I hate to get serious, but I don't want to make a baby for us unless we know that we're not being swept up by the passion of the moment. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Epilogue Thirty-five years later: Susan leaned over and kissed Early's forehead. "Of course you're my favorite grandchild, you're the youngest and that makes you the best..." "Granny! You tell all of us that we're your favorite, and Aunt Mary going to have another baby so I won't always be the youngest." "Early, you'll never pin Granny down, whoever she's with is always her favorite, and that will never change. Now hurry, the cousins are already up in the pool. The contest starts in ten minutes and you don't want to be late." As the boy shot from the suite, she added to his back, "remember no running on the ship..." Susan smiled at her daughter, "When are you and Jay going to tell him that you're going to have another?" "As soon as we know that I'm past the danger point. I don't want to take a chance even though I didn't have any problems with him. Mom, you know I've never regretted forgiving Jay when I caught him..." "When he confessed..." Anne smiled ruefully, "When he confessed that he'd cheated on me. You told me then that you'd share where you came by all your wisdom 'someday.' This seems like 'someday' to me. I mean I know that you and daddy were divorced for awhile, and I assume that you caught him cheating on you, although I have a hard time picturing daddy doing something like that." Susan took a deep breath, "This cruise has been a wonderful family time, I'm so grateful that Early's company gave us this as a retirement bonus. I did promise to tell you and I hope you won't regret it. It doesn't make me look too good... You see, your daddy never cheated on me. Before our divorce I was a slut and I cheated on him repeatedly. What I saw in Jay was much like what I knew happened to me. He woke up to what he was doing and changed his behavior. He didn't confess until he knew he wouldn't cheat again, and he wanted a fresh start before you made a baby together. I think he should have kept his cheating to himself, but it was easy to see that you still wanted him -- you just had to get past your pain to make your marriage work. "It wasn't that easy for your father. I hadn't quit, and I didn't confess. I didn't deserve forgiveness, much less what your father calls grace. I suppose that's why it's grace. If someone deserves to be forgiven they don't need grace. I wanted your father back more than I can possibly put into words. Yet there was nothing I could do to make up for what I'd done. Let me start at the beginning... "... So we flew to Vegas and got married that night and we lived happily ever after." Susan's expression and tone said better than words that the healing had required hard work and more than a bit of pain. Anne was quiet for a long time, then said, "I had no idea. Were you ever tempted again, I mean I must have heard the expression 'once a cheater always a cheater' a million times when we were having problems." Susan wiped her eyes, "There's truth to that, people don't change very easily, but unlike every other species we do have the power to change who we are. Church history is full of sinners who became saints; it's just that most people don't want to change or have sufficient motivation to change. I'd have a double mastectomy before I'd bare my breasts to another man. Early's grace gave me you and your brother, and our wonderful grandkids. I've tried to be the best wife a man could have, but that's only what every spouse deserves. I can never make up for what I've done, all I can do is remember and use it to be a better person than I was. Your father is the one who deserves all the credit for our happiness. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The End If you've enjoyed this story, or hated it or anywhere in between. Please drop me a note and tell me what you thought. Don't worry about how well you write. I'm the one who is trying to learn to write, not you I don't care about spelling, grammar or anythig other that your thoutght joesephus@gmail.com