Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Innocence Lost

   Jennifer Ann Copyright 2003-05-23



   I was seventeen when I lost my virginity, one month short of my
eighteenth birthday.  The boy's name was Scott and he was two and one half
years older than I was.  I have never spoken to him since that night.  I
haven't told many people.  Less than a handful know my story.  All of these
years, it has been my dark secret.  However, it's time for me to share my
story.

   I am telling it now for several reasons.  The number one reason is for
me.  Maybe, by telling it, I can, finally, put everything behind me and
move forward.  Maybe, Scott will read my story and realize just what he did
to me.  Lastly, maybe my telling it will mean someone else will not have to
experience what I did.

   I grew up in a rather small southern city and attended a religious based
high school where chastity was considered a virtue.  We were constantly
hearing about abstinence and, how it was the only way of insuring full
protection from STDs and pregnancy.

   It only stands to reason that parents who sent their children to
religious based private schools were also the type who kept close watch
over their children's' activities.  So, I didn't do much dating while in
high school.

   Still, hormones don't care what kind of school you attend.  Like all
teenagers, we found ways to discover the opposite sex.  During my senior
year, I was involved in some heavy kissing and fondling with my boyfriend.
I performed oral sex on my "would be husband" and he managed to get his
hands inside my panties and finger me.  However, I remained a virgin and
planned to stay one until the marital bed with that golden ring on my
finger.

   I graduated from our little safe haven high school and soon found myself
on the campus of our state mega university.  We had more kids on campus
than my entire home town had people and dogs.  I had been blessed with a
better than average singing voice and had studied dance I was since nine
years old.  So I majored in Fine Arts.  That's where I met Scott.

   I signed up for a dance class that had students from different levels.
Scott, was a Junior, taking the class.  He was simply the most beautiful
man I had even seen.  He had beautiful blue eyes that swallowed you and
huge shoulders which tapered down to the most gorgeous butt I had even seen
on a man in tights.  And, rumor had it that he was straight.  I was in
LOVE.

   Of course, there was no way I could let him know how I felt.  Why, would
someone like him see anything in a little freshman from the country?  So,
when he actually came up and spoke to me, I thought I would die.  I don't
remember anything I said, but I must have said something right.  Two or
three days later one of my girlfriends told me that she had heard from her
boyfriend, who was friends with Scott that he thought I was hot.

   A week later, he asked me if I wanted to go with him to see a touring
dance group that was performing on campus.  We were required to attend a
number of these events anyway, so I would have said yes to the biggest dork
in class.  Now, this was Scott asking me.  Of course, I said yes.

   After the performance, we went to a local pizza place where we met some
of Scott's friends.  Later, we all left and went to somebody's apartment
where beer and marijuana appeared.  I was more afraid of the marijuana
than, so I sipped on a beer.

   It wasn't long before Scott leaned over, lifted my chin and kissed me. I
was in heaven!  His lips and mine felt like they were the matched pair.  My
eyes closed and I floated into him and his strong arms, as they wrapped
around me pulling me into his chest.

   I had no objections when his tongue begged for entrance and begin
playing with mine.  He kissed me down my neck, sending shivers of exquisite
pleasure through my body.  I felt his hands on my breasts which, excited me
even more, as he pressed them through my bra and shirt.  It was only when
he tried to remove my shirt from over my head that I got nervous.  There
were others in the room.  He suggested that we find a more private spot. 
At that point, warnings went off in my head.  I was afraid of getting into
something, which I couldn't get out.  But, I was so excited, it felt so
good being with Scott.  So I agreed.

   Soon, I was naked to the waist, as Scott devoured my breasts.  I have
never been overly endowed, but Scott didn't seem to care.  He kissed and
fondled them, getting me more and more excited.

   I found myself lying back on the bed with Scott's body pressing on top
of me.  I could feel excitement through his shorts.  I also realized that
he had moved his hand between my legs and was rubbing me through my shorts.
Although, my body screamed yes, my mind said NO!  I placed my hand on his
and asked him to stop.

   He didn't want to.  "But, Julie," he exclaimed.

   "I'm sorry Scott," I replied.  "I don't want to do that right now."

   "Why?  Are you a virgin?"

   "Yes."

   "No shit?"

   That hurt.  But, I didn't say anything at first.  Finally, I said, "I'm
sorry."

   "Look Julie," he told me.  "You don't have to worry.  I won't do
anything.  But, you can still enjoy the pleasure.  We just won't go all the
way."

   I was torn between asking him to take me home and giving in.  I was
nervous and apprehensive and yet, I wanted to continue.  I gave in.

   I let him remove my shorts but I left my panties on.  That gave me some
feeling of security.  We resumed kissing and Scott started to finger me and
rub my clitoris.  But, it wasn't the same as before.  I just couldn't relax
and enjoy it any longer.  Scott must have picked up on my mood swing.  He
began to act differently.  He still kissed and touched me but I could tell
something was wrong.

   "What's the matter Scott?  Is it me?" I asked.

   "It's alright Julie.  It's just that you are so beautiful and I want to
make love to you so bad," he announced.  "And...besides, I've got blue
balls."

   "Blue balls?" I asked.  "What's that?"

   "It's when a girl gets a guy all excited.  If he doesn't cum, his balls
can begin to hurt.  It's called blue balls."

   Now, I felt like a real shit.  I had gone and caused him to have blue
balls.  Whatever, that was?  However, it did sounded horrible and I felt
badly for him.

   "Can I help?" I asked innocently.

   He smiled and shook his head.  "Well, you could let me screw you?"

   "No."

   "I figured that," he mumbled.  Then he smiled at me, "There is one other
thing you could do?"

   "What's that?"

   "You could give me a blow job."

   Somehow, I felt like I was being manipulated.  However, I had done it
before and besides this was Scott, if it would help him?  Why not?

   "Ok."

   Scott removed his pants and I got my first look at his penis.  I will
admit that the thought of giving him pleasure was exciting to me.  My fears
and doubts left me as I began tentatively, then with more desire to; kiss,
lick and suck on his penis.

   It did not take long before he was trying to force it deeper down my
throat.  I kept pulling my head back to stop from gagging.  His motions and
reactions told me he was getting close to cuming.  I had never swallowed
before and, I did not intend to do so then.  I was prepared to remove my
mouth when I felt him tighten.  I never got the chance.  He grabbed my head
and forced it down, as I felt him cum into my mouth.

   I tried to swallow but his penis was too deep and I couldn't.  I started
to gag again.  He must have realized what was happening because he relaxed
his grip and allowed me to lift my head enough to keep me from choking.  I
kept my mouth on him and swallowed as much as I could.

   When it was all over, we got dressed and he drove me home.  I laid in
bed, torn emotionally.  I was pent up sexually from the experience but, I
also felt disturbed, demeaned and somehow dirty.  The thought of making
myself cum while thinking of Scott didn't seem right.  I thought of what I
might have done to make him act that way with me.  Finally, I fell asleep.

  
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**

   The next week he called and asked me if I was interested in going with
him and some friends to the upcoming football game on Saturday night.  I
said yes.  The game was an experience for me.  There must have been
70-80,000 people in that stadium.  The excitement was electrifying and I
felt like I was part of something awesome.

   One of Scott's friends had smuggled alcohol into the stadium and kept
adding it to our cokes, so by the fourth quarter I had a real buzz.  After
the game, every one was heading to the same apartment where we had been the
previous week.  I felt uncomfortable going there again, so I told Scott I
felt woozy and asked him to take me back to my dorm.

   When we got to my room, I invited him in.  We had a nice conversation as
we sat on my bed.  My roommate was out so we had the place to our selves.
It was not long, before we were at it again.  I had forgotten my fears of
the week before.  I felt secure in my own room and the alcohol made me feel
care free and amorous.

   It wasn't long before we were down to panties and boxer shorts.  Scott's
erect penis kept poking out and, I could feel it rubbing against my bare
thigh.  It both scared and excited me.

   "I want to give you pleasure, Julie," he told me.

   "Oh, you are giving me pleasure." I replied.

   "No, I mean...I really want to pleasure you," he replied.

   "Please Scott, I think we should wait.

   "No, I want to eat you out."

   `Eat me out?"

   "Yes, I want to eat you out till you cum."

   "That won't gross you out?"

   "Heck no!" he answered.  "Did it gross you out to do me?"

   I couldn't tell him that it did, so I answered, "No."

   "Well, then, why should I be grossed out?  Besides, you will love it.  I
promise."

   I relented and allowed him to remove my panties, which was my last
barrier and line of defense.

   He began to eat me out.  It felt good, very good.  However, like the
last time, in the apartment.  I was anxious.  There were warnings going off
in my head.  There was no way I could relax enough to cum.

   After awhile he stopped and slowly kissed his way up my belly, breasts
and to my lips.  I could smell myself on his face and tried to turn my face
away.  I didn't want to kiss him just then.  It seemed gross and dirty.  He
just started kissing my neck and ears then he was kissing me on the lips.
Before I could say anything, his tongue filled my mouth.

   It felt nice to be held and in his arms and to feel his body against
mine.  Then he shifted his position so that his legs were between mine.  I
could feel his penis rubbing my thigh.  Fear shot through me like
electricity.  I knew where he was heading.

   "NO Scott!" I exclaimed.

   `Don't worry Julie, it will be good," he insisted.  "You'll love it."

   "Please Scott, no!  I don't want to," I cried and tried to push him off
of me.

   He covered my mouth with his and shoved his tongue down my throat.  He
then used his legs to force mine open.  I could feel his penis rubbing
against me trying to get in.

   "Please God, make him stop," I prayed.  But, God didn't help me.

   He jabbed me once then twice but his penis would not enter.  Frustrated,
he grabbed his penis and rubbed it between my lips to positioning it
correctly.  Then he forced his way in and raped me.  It was painful.  I was
dry and my vaginal muscles were not relaxed.  At first he penetrated me
just a little, then deeper and finally, all the way.

   I barely felt the pain of my hymen breaking.  But, I did feel my
self-worth being torn away with each of his strokes.  This was a far
greater pain to bear.  It made me feel dirty, cheap and demeaned.  I
remember thinking that this couldn't be happening.  You wouldn't do this to
me.  All the while, I knew I was lying to myself.  I wondered what I had
done to cause this to happen.  I told him NO!  He didn't hear me and now he
was raping me.

   I don't remember much after that except Scott mumbling something about
"sorry.  I just had to have you," before getting dressed and leaving as
quickly.  About an hour later, my roommate found me lying on the bed still
naked, in the fetal position and crying.  I told her what happened.  She
wanted me to report you and press charges.  I would not.  I was too
ashamed.

   The fear of people talking about me and of being known as a soiled woman
was too much.  I couldn't handle any more demeaning.  No, it was better
just to suppress and forget what happened and try to move on.  Suppressing
it was easy, forgetting and moving on, was much harder.

   For years, I was afraid of men.  My eyes would search every man who
approached me for signs of danger.  In time, I was able to sleep with other
men.  However, I could never abandon myself to love making.  My lack of
trust kept me from really enjoying sex, and I am sure, made me seem less
than perfect to my partner.

   I spent years avoiding the pain and anguish of what happened to me,
especially after having sex.  I knew, in order to have a life, I needed to
get help.  While at the gynecologist, I saw a brochure for rape counseling.
I called the number listed and found myself going once a week.  In one of
my sessions, my counselor suggested I write out my feelings in a letter to
the man who raped me.

  
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***

   "Dear Scott, if you are reading this, I know now that you didn't take
long.  However, in the short time when you were rapping me, it seemed like
forever.  I felt afraid.  I feared getting pregnant.  I was afraid of
getting AIDS.  I also felt like part of my soul was being torn out of me as
I lay there.  No Scott, I felt no pleasure.  It was not good and I hated it

   "Then I felt you go rigid and I knew you were cuming.  No, I didn't feel
your `hot spunk splash and slam against my uterus,' like the porn stories
say.  I felt fear and anguish wondering if, I was pregnant and YOU had
destroyed the life I knew.

   "You see Scott; you took more from me than my virginity.  You took my
innocence of life and love.  You took more than my womanhood.  You took
from me what it meant to be a woman.  That is why I would never speak to
you when you called.  That is why I dropped the dance class and later
changed schools.  I could not handle seeing you again and reliving
everything over and over again.

   "I once read, where some man said that if rape is inevitable, the woman
should just lie back accept it and enjoy.  My question for him is, `If your
testicles were in a vice slowly being tightened, would you accept and enjoy
it?'

   "When Jesus died he said, "Father forgive them for they know not what
they do." I have forgiven you for what you did.  Maybe you didn't know what
you were doing.  However, so far I haven't been able to forget what you
took away.  Maybe, by reading this you will understand what you did.  That
would be enough.  Julie"

  
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**

   Writing that letter was so liberating for me.  Within a few months, I
was done with therapy and then one day my life changed.  I met Bill.  Bill
managed to repair much of the damage done to me; I was able to learn how to
trust without fear and reservation.  He somehow understood my reluctance
was fear.  He loved me and he was caring and gentle.

   Most of all he was patient.  He never forced me to do anything I did not
want to do; or which made me feel uncomfortable.  I began, for the first
time, to feel loved.  To him, I was special.  Gradually, I began to trust
again.  With trust came the desire to give myself to him in lovemaking. 
You might say, he gave me back the womanhood Scott took away.
   Genuine critiques may be sent to me at: jam1075@bellsouth.net