A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. 
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, 
You said that might hurt." 
  
  
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. 
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. 
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! 
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! 
Women, I can't figure them out. 
  
  
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: 
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." 
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: 
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy 
...not a fucking photo-copier." 
  
  
A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees 
Her boyfriend in a flower shop. 
"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is 
In the flower shop buying me some flowers." 
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" 
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all 
Weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air." 
"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?" 
  
  
Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" 
His father says, "We are making you a little brother." 
The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!" 
  
  
"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, 
Like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..." 
  
  
Dear Dr Phil, 
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my 
Bedroom window. 
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, 
Arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what? 
  
  
My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship. 
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.