A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, You said that might hurt." I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out. A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy ...not a fucking photo-copier." A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees Her boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is In the flower shop buying me some flowers." The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all Weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air." "Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?" Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We are making you a little brother." The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!" "I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, Like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..." Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my Bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, Arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what? My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.