Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Charlie finally transferred to a college far away, as far from Carol and
his memories as he could manage.  He began again there, trying to find a
way to find something to live for without her.

   He wrote her from time to time.  If she answered at all, it was a polite
two-line note.  A few times he called her, and she spoke to him; with
warmth and even a hint of concern, especially if he was crying.  She didn't
like it when he cried, but sometimes...

   She offered him no hope, but at least she didn't hang up.

   He remembered bits and pieces of some of those calls for years:

   "Charlie, I promise you'll get over me.  Someday you're going to find
someone really special." She whispered the last word.

   "I had someone special, Carol."
Sadly: "Oh, Charlie..."
And:
Crying: "What would you say if I told you I was going to kill myself if
you don't come back to me?  What would you say, Carol?"

   "Well....  I wouldn't say no...."

   He waited.

   "But you know that can't happen, Charlie.  Please don't tell me that."

   Sniffing, pulling himself together: "I won't.  It's okay, Carol.  I'll
be okay someday." He let her off the hook again.
And:
"I'll always be grateful to you, Charlie.  You taught me how to love. 

If it wasn't for you, I'd never have been able to be with Larry."

   "I'm glad you're happy, Carol.  But who's ever going to teach me?"

   "Someone will, Charlie.  You just have to keep looking."

   He let her off the hook again.  "I am."

   It was nice when she showed that she cared: but in the end, he found
that it didn't matter much.  When he hung up, she was still gone.

   He did look.  He slept with more than several girls; it was the early
70s, after the Pill and before herpes and AIDS.  Sexual freedom was a very
real thing, and he got his share of pussy; but in his heart there was still
a big empty space shaped like a girl named Carol.

   He masturbated often, to magazines and fantasies; he began to smoke
marijuana, because it made the pictures seem real and enhanced the
fantasies.

   But he avoiding masturbating to his memories of her.  They were still
the most moving and exciting thoughts he had, but sometimes he came crying,
and cried for hours afterward.  His dearest memories became a place he
dared not go.  He tried not to think of her at all, but still...

   A bit of music, a word, A familiar piece of clothing, a turn of a head
with long brown hair--and it hit him like a punch in the heart.  He began
to smoke more pot, because only then could he feel better just because he
wanted to and turn the memories off.

   He went to class, and wrote his papers, and talked with friends, and
dated now and then; but her ghost was always at his side.  It only left him
when he was stoned, and then he could be alone with his dirty magazines or
with the girl that he was fucking but didn't love.

   She sent him an invitation to her wedding.

   He bought two bottles of liquor that day, and drank them both on her
wedding night.  He had never so wanted to get stinking drunk in his life.

   He couldn't do it.  He drank it all, but went to bed cold sober.  At
least he slept.

   He finally graduated, a year late, with the class of '74.  He bounced
from one job to another, and tried to fall in love again.  He never could.

   He even got married once.  The woman did not remind him of Carol at all,
and she was passionate and loved to fuck; he hoped that he could grow to
love her and forget about Carol.

   The marriage didn't last.  His wife was self-centered and uncaring of
his feelings, and she had a cruel, withholding streak: when she discovered
something that he liked in the bedroom, she'd never do it again.  "You're
supposed to love ME, not THAT," she'd say.  Then she complained that he was
not as passionate as he had been before they married, when she had actually
tried to please him.

   Even so, he stayed with her long after he knew there was no hope or
comfort there--because he couldn't bear to give someone else the pain that
he had known.  It was only after he figured out that most people did not
hurt that much, or that long, that he finally found the strength to leave.

   He tried to remain friends with Carol.  He even visited her from time to
time, suppressing the ache when he saw her and wearing the mask of an old
friend.  Sometimes it slipped, and Carol would squeeze his hand in
sympathy, but no more.  They never spoke of it, and both went on pretending
that he was just a friend.

   He met Larry; and even though no man had ever been born that he more
wanted to hate, he found he couldn't.  Larry was a genuinely nice guy, and
he obviously loved Carol.

   Charlie was glad.  No one deserved her, but at least he wasn't an
abusive bastard; and he made her happy.

   Once, they made a connection, when he happened to visit when Larry
wasn't home.  He spoke her name, in a kind of pleading tone--by accident,
in a way; he wasn't lost in his need for her at that moment, but was
thinking of something else.

   She turned and answered, "Yes?" in a tone of such gentle warmth and
feeling, and looked at him with such compassion in her eyes, that he forgot
what it was.  He could only look at her--and how it hurt to do so.

   His eyes filled, and she came closer and gave him a hug.

   "I'm so sorry, Charlie," she whispered.  "I know it's hard for you."

   And she held him while he cried.  No more than that was said.

   It only happened once.

   A day came when they stopped speaking.  He had put her off a bit with
something he had said in a recent visit, speaking of his feelings for
her--and she had told him, gently but firmly, that he just couldn't talk to
her about that any more.  She was married now, and there was nothing she
could do.

   In reply, he had written her a letter; and he went too far.  He accused
her of being the reason he never got over her, bringing up the coldhearted
way she had left him, and then used him so callously, ten years before.

   It was all true, but she had been kind to him since, and it wasn't fair
of him to bring it up.  They had both been young, and she had done the best
she could at the time.  She hadn't meant to hurt him so, and he knew that.
And it had been a long, long time before.

   He should have known better.  But for him, the pain of losing her had
never gone away, and he never had a single day, not one, when he didn't
miss her and long to hold her in his arms again and know she loved him. 
For him, it hadn't been a long, long time.  It was yesterday, last night,
an hour ago.

   That letter destroyed their friendship.  After a short, bitter phone
call--"I have nothing to say" was all she told him, in a voice as cold as
ice--they had no more contact for more than fifteen years.

   ---

   He tried to forget, again and again.  He sought out therapists and
talked it out with them for years; he meditated; he read self-help
books--"Letting Go," "Surviving the Loss of a Love," "Moving On"--but her
ghost walked with him still.

   When he looked for pictures of naked women in magazines or on the
Internet, he always found himself keeping or downloading the ones that
looked like or reminded him of Carol in some way.  Sometimes he was even
conscious of it; but better to masturbate to pictures of models who
resembled her than to the things that he had actually seen and done with
her.  That road led to madness and death, he knew.  He had been too far
down it too many times not to.

   He limped through his life like a man with one leg gone.  The smallest
things were so much effort; it was hard to care about anything.  What was
the point?  It was a struggle to care enough to brush his teeth.

   He once described losing Carol, to one of his therapists, as being very
much like losing an arm or a leg; you adjust, you live with it, you learn
to get along--but you never, ever forget for a single moment what you have
lost.

   He finally got to a place where he didn't think about her much.  He
worked, he read, he watched TV, he masturbated to other things, he slept,
and he hammered out a kind of peace of mind from one day to the next.  He
no longer cried, or not so much; he didn't spend whole days aching for her,
only minutes, and even that not often.

   The dreams were the worst.  He would go for weeks with only minimal
thoughts of her, shaking them off and pushing them away as soon as they
arose; and then he would have a "Carol dream," and he'd be depressed for
days.

   He would dream of seeing her briefly, then trying to find her but only
getting short glimpses from far away; or of seeing and being near her, but
she could not see him.  Or of talking and laughing with her and just being
friends again.  They all left him aching when he woke up.

   But the worst dreams were the ones where they were in bed together, and
she was naked.  They never made love; often she was simply asleep near him,
and he was afraid to wake her.  Sometimes she took him in her arms.  Once
or twice he dreamed of kissing her and stroking her back.  Even in dreams,
it seemed, he could go no farther.

   After one of those, it might take him weeks to recover.  But they did
not come often.

   Most days, he simply tried not to think about her, and for the most
part, he succeeded.  He lived his life.  He learned to listen to talk radio
and not the music stations; to avoid certain movies; to beware of thinking
too hard about love or relationships or women with pretty hands and feet.
And so much more.

   He was not happy, for that could never be.  He had had to shut down too
much of his life and not look in too many places that he knew would hurt
him.  But he was content.  He lived alone, and found ways to get from one
day to the next and smile and laugh.  His friends and students thought him
sweet and funny, and they liked him.

   He no longer even tried to date.

   He taught his classes, graded his papers, had friends, and was
functional.  He was doing all right.

   And then he saw a movie.

   "Forrest Gump" would change his life.  If he had known what the picture
was like, he would never have watched it, but it took him by surprise.  He
found himself in tears through half the picture, and weeping like an
abandoned child at the end.  It depressed him horribly for days, and he
could not shake it off.  The old wound was fresh again, and he knew exactly
why.

   One day a week or two later, another teacher--a friend named
Sharon--found him wiping his eyes in the teacher's lounge.

   She sat down beside him and put a solicitous hand on his arm.  "Chuck,
what's the matter?"

   He allowed no one to call him Charlie.  He hadn't for years.

   "It's nothing," he quavered.  "I'm okay.  Or I will be by the time my
off period is over."

   "It's got to be something, Chuck.  I've never seen you this way."

   It was true.  Charlie had the reputation of being unfailingly cheerful
and very funny, always ready with a wisecrack or a joke and a smile for
everyone; the few people who knew were invariably stunned to learn that he
was chronically depressed, and had been for decades.  No one, ever, saw his
darkness.

   "You can talk to me, Chuck," Sharon went on.  "Come on.  What's the
matter?"

   He managed to choke out, "I saw 'Forrest Gump' last week."

   She blinked.  "That's kind of a sad movie, but--why on Earth would it
affect you this much?  And for this long?"

   He looked at her, and his face dissolved.  He wept openly.  "Because my
Jenny never came back," he managed to say.

   She put her arms around him and held him as he sobbed.

   The vice-principal happened to come in.  He walked over and asked
quietly, "What's going on?"

   Charlie tried to speak, but couldn't.  Sharon said, "Chuck is having a
bad moment."

   "Something to do with school?  The kids?" Teaching can be emotionally
draining.

   "No.  It's personal.  Love-related," said Sharon.

   "Oh.  Should I get a sub?"

   Charlie shook his head, but Sharon said, "I think we better." Charlie
looked up, then shrugged.  He still couldn't speak.

   "Well, there's only two periods left.  I'll see if I can get some other
teachers to cover."

   "I can take his eighth," Sharon said.  That was the last period.  He
nodded, then bent down and put his hand on Charlie's shoulder.  "I hope you
feel better soon, Chuck.  We can't have the school funnyman crying."

   Charlie smiled, his eyes wet, and finally croaked, "I'll be okay." The
vice-principal nodded and went out.

   Charlie looked at his lap.  He was bending and straightening a paper
clip.  He wondered how long he'd been doing it.  "Thanks, Sharon."

   She patted his hand.  "No problem." She paused.  Then, "Tell me about
your Jenny."

   He talked for twenty minutes, and cried a little more.  He didn't tell
her everything, of course, but enough to get the drift.

   "Twenty-seven years?" she whispered.

   He could only nod, and then he said, "I haven't heard her voice for--"
He thought.  "Maybe seventeen.  Yeah, it was 1980 last time we talked."

   She looked at him seriously.  "Chuck, you need to see a doctor."

   "I've been to more therapists than Carters' got pills," he said.  But
Sharon shook her head.

   "I didn't say a therapist.  I said a doctor." At his puzzled expression,
she said, "They have pills now that can help you.  Antidepressants that
really work.  And you need some, Chuck."

   He wiped his eyes, then smiled.  "I guess maybe I do."

   She wouldn't leave the lounge till he had made an appointment--and
requested a substitute--for the following day.

   Before she left, she told him, "Chuck, I want you to know that you can
call me anytime.  Day or night.  Okay?"

   "Okay.  Thanks."

   She looked at him.  "You know, Chuck, in the movie, Jenny just came back
to use Forrest.  She was dying and just wanted a father for her boy. 
Doesn't that matter?"

   He shook his head.  "No.  Not a bit.  It's only important that she came
back.  It doesn"t matter why."

   He hadn't told her of that fall, after she left him, when she loved
someone else and fucked him anyway.

   "You still want this Carol back?  Even after everything she did to you?
Now that you know what she's really like?" He looked at her with a small,
sad smile.  "Sharon?  Do you pray?"

   "Sure, sometimes."

   "You want to know what I pray?"

   "What?"

   "I tell God that I'd trade all the rest of my life--every day that I
have left--for just one hour in her arms, knowing she loves me again.  And
I mean it."

   She stared at him.  He thought she was about to say, "That's crazy," or
some such thing.

   What she said was, "My God.  I wish somebody loved me like that."

   The next day, Charlie went to see the doctor.  He was given a
questionnaire, and checked almost all of the symptoms: trouble sleeping,
difficulty with routine tasks, obsessive thoughts, missed work, loss of
interest in hobbies, thoughts of suicide, and all the rest.

   The doctor looked it over, asked him a few questions, then wrote a
prescription.  "These will take a few days to start working, and a couple
of weeks before you'll really feel a change," he said.  "Stay with them
anyway.  But if you start feeling worse, I want you to call me immediately,
all right?"

   "Okay." He opened his mouth, then closed it.

   "Something else?" asked the doctor.

   "Don't you want to know what I'm depressed about?" asked Charlie.

   The doctor shook his head.  "You can tell me if you like," he said, "But
it won't change anything.  You probably ought to get into therapy too, but
that medication needs to come first.  It should help you get out from under
the pain so the therapy can work.  Give it a couple of weeks and see if
whatever it is still bothers you."

   It only took a few days, not weeks.  He began to feel the darkness
lifting right away.

   He began to wake every morning without that oppressive sense of
hopelessness he'd felt for so long.  It no longer seemed like the labors of
Hercules to brush his teeth, shave, make coffee and get dressed (on
weekends he rarely got out of bed except to go to the bathroom and eat a
cold meal or two).

   He stopped getting drunk three or four nights a week.  He didn't
masturbate so much, and when he did, he enjoyed it more and felt no sense
of loneliness or loss.  He actually felt good, and optimistic, and enjoyed
common little things again--a cheeseburger, a TV show, a book.  He realized
he had been dragging himself through life by sheer willpower alone for
years and years.

   And he found he could go whole days without thinking of Carol even once;
and when he did, it didn't trouble him.

   After a week or two, he dropped his guard and tried it.  For the first
time in many years, he sat down and deliberately tried to think about her,
to explore what he felt instead of pushing the thoughts away.

   Like a tongue cautiously probing a rotten tooth, he tentatively let his
mind rest on a few small things that he remembered:

   Carol sitting close to him in his car.

   Watching "Mission: Impossible" with her in the basement of her dorm.

   Meeting her in the Student Union for a Dr.  Pepper.

   Her voice.

   He sat there in astonishment.  They were just memories, and old ones at
that.  There was no pain.

   He went farther:

   Making out at the drive-in.

   Holding her bare breasts in his hands.

   That day at the beach, when she first posed naked for him there.

   Fucking her as she whined, "Chahlie, I'm coming..."

   No pain.

   They were sweet memories, sweet and hot, but that time was long over. 
Why had they hurt him so?  They only made him smile now.  He was lucky to
have had her when he did.

   He was amazed--but the really hard stuff remained to be tested.

   He took a deep breath and closed his eyes:

   Calling her and hearing her say, "Hello?"--and then hang up.

   Standing outside the door that would not open--and watching her shadow,
of her walking away, on her curtains.

   --"It was the best summer of mine!  I met Larry!"

   --"Hello, love!" Right in front of him.

   Standing by his car, where she gave him one last, long, deep French kiss
on that last weekend before Christmas before she left for home and
Larry--and then watching her run away from him, back to her apartment,
without looking back.

   --"I have nothing to say."

   He sat, and thought of more and more, and shed a tear--not from the
pain, but because there was none.

   He was free.

   It was a college romance.  They broke up.  She never meant to hurt him;
she was young and didn't know how to break it off.  Nothing special.

   Look how sweet and kind she was to him in later years.  Look how she
listened and tried to be his friend.

   Look how big a fool he'd been to blame her and insult her, ten long
years after the fact.

   It had all been him, not her.

   He thought about calling her, but decided he'd been enough of a pain in
the ass over the years.  Best to leave her alone.  He stood up.  He felt
taller.

   Then he realized; He was.  There was no weight on him now, had not been
for days.

   It was over.

   ---

   A few days later, as he was walking back to class after his break, he
abruptly stopped dead in his tracks.

   As happens with dreams, he suddenly remembered he had had a Carol dream
the night before.  What's more, he had awakened remembering it.

   But he had thought about it little, and then forgotten it until this
moment.

   A month ago, it would have sent him into a tailspin that would have kept
him in the dark for weeks; Carol in bed beside him, her breasts bare,
smiling and looking into his eyes.  Today--it was just a dream, almost
forgotten.

   A Carol dream.  Almost forgotten.  He shook his head in wonder, and
smiled to himself.  He could hardly wait to tell Sharon.  He had told her
about the dreams.

   Carol?  Carol?  She was just a girl he once knew.

   He went on to class, and thought no more of it.

   But later that day, he thought of the last time they had spoken, of the
letter he had written and how wrong it had been.  It had ended so ugly, he
thought.

   Not a call, he thought.  No, he would not call her.  But he would write
her a letter, to apologize for everything and tell her what had happened
with the pills.  She deserved that much, to know he didn't ache for her any
more.

   She wouldn't answer--she never had, when he had written her over the
years--but he would make this one effort to clear the air and part as
friends, and then he would be done with it.  He could finally forget about
her and get on with his life.

   He sat down to write.

   He mailed the letter and forgot it, knowing he would get no answer.  He
was done.

   ---

   More than a month later:

   There was a single envelope in his mailbox.  Business-sized,
cream-colored.  No return address.  Junk mail, he thought--but his address
was handwritten.  He looked at it, and froze.

   He had not seen that handwriting for twenty years or more, but he knew
it like he knew his own.  For a minute or two, he could not move.

   He finally did, and took the letter inside before he opened it.

   Charlie sat down at his kitchen table and slit the envelope open with
his pocketknife.  His hands were quivering, just a little.

   He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

   He was over her.  This meant nothing.  It was a letter from an old
friend, nothing more.

   When he thought he was calm, he opened the envelope and looked inside.

   Two pages!  That was strange.  Carol did not like to write, and kept her
notes short and impersonal.

   And this was even stranger: The letter was dated almost three weeks
before.  He looked at the postmark and thought for a moment.  Sure enough,
it looked as though she had written a reply not long after she received his
letter, but not mailed it till a few days ago.  He wondered why.

   Well, maybe she just forgot to mail it.  Not important.

   He began to read.

   "Dear Charlie, "Does this mean you don't love me any more?"

   He gaped at that first line, then laughed and read on.

   "I'm so glad you found a reason and a cure.  I think of you often, and
always fondly."

   She did not hate him, then.  He smiled.

   There followed some newsy small talk; her sons were both in college, her
job was going well, and Larry had been ill but was doing better.  There
were details on all but that last.

   At the end, a tiny shock:

   "If you want to call, it would be better to call me at work than at
home." A number followed.  Then: "Please do call.  I'd love to talk to you.
It's been too long."

   He put the letter down carefully, as if it might break.  And then he
just sat and stared into space for a while.

   He would hear her voice again.  Tomorrow.

   He had trouble sleeping again that night, but not from depression.

   He didn't know what he felt.  The sensations were unfamiliar, and he had
no words for them.  He had once known what they were, he thought, but he
had not felt them for so long he didn't recognize them.

   Much later, he realized what they were:

   Joy.  And hope.

   The next day, he called the number she had given him.  This time, his
hands were definitely shaking.

   He was in the shop teacher's office, about as private as it gets in a
middle school.  He listen to the phone ringing.  Once...  Twice...  He was
going to get her voicemail, he just knew it.

   "Hello?"

   That low, melodious voice had not changed a bit.

   "....Carol?"

   "Charlie!  It's so good to hear from you!"

   "It's so good to hear your voice again," he said, then winced and hit
his forehead.  He didn't want to sound like the lover carrying a torch.

   But her next words rocked him, and he forgot about all that.

   "I think about you all the time," she said, and her voice was low and
intimate.

   Oh, my God, he thought.  What does that mean?

   He had been prepared for coolness and caution on her part, or maybe for
a kind of distant, condescending forgiveness.

   But not for this.

   He was winging it now.  "I think about you all the time, too, Carol. 
But you knew that," he added with a chuckle, to take the edge off.  He
could always pass it off as a joke.

   He wouldn't have to.  "I'm glad," she said, her voice just as low and
warm.  He felt a stirring in his crotch.

   He wanted to ask, "Why?" but didn't.

   Small talk followed, catching up.  What he was doing for a living now,
how he liked it, the same for her.  What kind of cars they drove.  A TV
show they both liked.  He was divorced now.

   "Are you?" She sounded pleased at that, instead of sympathetic.  Another
tiny bell rang in his head.

   He made her laugh with stories from his classroom.  She made him smile
with her pride in her boys.  They just visited, old friends--but there was
an undercurrent with it; they were old lovers, too.  They did not mention
that, but it was there.

   They made a date to talk again the next day.  He told her when his off
period was, and she promised to be waiting.

   It didn't occur to him till after he hung up how strange that was.  They
were both so eager to reconnect.  He knew why he was--but why was she?

   He was so happy, he cancelled homework for the students in all his
classes.  He wanted them to be happy, too.

   They talked again the next day, and then again three days after that. 
She could not talk on weekends, she said, and it would be better if he
never called her at home.

   "Oh?" he said, inquiringly.  The question was obvious.

   She was matter-of-fact, if a little embarrassed: "Larry doesn't like you
much, Charlie.  He wouldn't be pleased that we're back in touch.  I don't
keep secrets from my husband, but--well, you're special."

   They hit on the idea of using voicemail.  He could leave messages for
her at her work, and she could leave messages for him at his school.

   After they hung up, he felt a little drunk.  Not only were they back in
touch, she had given him a secret channel of communication, just for him.

   He thought about what was happening.  He thought of little else for the
next two days.  She left messages for him, and he for her.  And he thought.


   All that he had learned since going on the meds went out the window. 
Just a girl he had once loved?

   This was Carol.  He loved her.  He had always loved her.  He always
would.

   But there was no pain now.  They were friends again, and that was more
than he had ever dreamed was possible.

   And he determined in his mind that that would be enough.  Not because he
willed it.  It just was.  To be her friend again, to have a place, however
small, in her heart--that would be, it was, enough.

   They spoke three or four times a week.  They were rekindling an old
friendship, but that undercurrent was still there.  He wondered what was
happening, and one day she told him.

   "Charlie, I told you Larry's been sick.  He still is.  He had cancer,
and he's had the surgery, but now he's on chemo and some other
medications." She paused.  "Charlie.  He's not Larry any more."

   "What do you mean?"

   "He's distant.  He doesn't feel anything.  It's almost like--like--he's
a stranger.  And I'm a stranger to him." She paused, and when she spoke
again, there was a quiver in he voice.  "Charlie, I'm scared.  And I--I'm
lonely.  I need a friend.  I don't have many, and none that I can talk to
like you."

   "I'll be your friend, Carol.  You know that."

   "Yes."

   "Any time.  Day or night.  Anything you need."

   "I know.  Thank you, Charlie.  That's why I wrote back.  I knew you'd be
there for me.  Even after--after everything."

   "You were right.  I always will be."

   They spoke of other things, and soon he made her laugh again.

   When she hung up that day, she didn't say "Goodbye." She said, "Love ya,
man."

   He meditated on it.  Larry had cancer.  He hoped--he really did--that he
would be all right.  It would be so hard on Carol if he died.

   But still-

   He pushed the thought away.  He would not hope that.  It wouldn't be
right, and there was no guarantee she'd run to him anyway.

   Sometimes she gave him updates on Larry's condition.  But of his death,
or the possibility of it, or what could happen then--they never spoke of
that.  Not once.  It was there, lying on the table between them, but
neither of them ever mentioned it.

   And that, as it turned out, was just as well.

   They continued to talk.  One afternoon, he opened his heart to her.  He
feared it, but he could keep silent no longer.

   "Carol...?"

   "....Yes?"

   He had heard that same warm and caring tone before, long ago.

   "Carol, can I tell you something?"

   "Is it something I already know?" He heard the gentle smile in her
voice.

   "I'm pretty sure.  But I need to tell you something besides that, and
then ask something of you."

   "What?"

   "What is it that you already know, Carol?  Tell me that first."

   She spoke softly.  "That you love me, Chahlie."

   He heard it.  And somehow he managed to go on.  "Yes.  I do."

   "What else did you need to tell me and ask me?"

   "I need to be able to talk about it, Carol.  I know there's nothing you
can do but listen.  But I can't pretend I don't feel the way I do.  I tried
for years, and that didn't work out so well, did it?"

   "No." Quietly.

   "I have to be able to tell you how I feel.  I just have to.  Can you
accept that, and hear it, and can we still be friends with that between
us?"

   She spoke quietly.  "I can take it if you can."

   "Thank you." His voice almost cracked.  He didn't think she heard it.

   "Tell me now," she said then.

   "What?"

   "Tell me how you feel about me.  I want to hear it."

   "You do?"

   "Yes.  Just tell me, Charlie."

   So he did.  He told her.  He told her as much as he could bear--not
about the pain of losing her, but about how he needed her in his life,
needed to feel a connection with her, needed to touch her heart.

   "Carol, when you won't speak to me, I don't exist.  Nothing matters. 
Just knowing that you care again, just being your friend again these last
few weeks--it's meant the world to me.  The pain is gone now, Carol,
but--but God, I need you.  I need you in my life so much."

   "Do you have no one, Charlie?  You haven't mentioned if you've dated
since your divorce."

   "There's no one I want, Carol.  I've been out with women once or twice,
but three's a crowd."

   "Three?"

   "You're always there, between us."

   "Oh, Chahlie--I'm so sorry.  I never meant to do that to you."

   "I know.  It's not your fault.  You can't help being what you are."

   "And what is that?"

   "The only woman I'll ever love." He paused.  "I learned what passion is,
loving you, Carol.  In all these years, it's never left me.  I still feel
the same about you as I did when we first started dating."

   "That's very strange."

   "It is.  But it's true." then he told her what he had told Sharon, of
his prayer.

   "For just one hour, Carol."

   "Chahlie...  I don't know what to say.  I've never heard of anything
like that."

   There was a small silence then.  Finally, she said, "I'm sorry I can't
be with you, Chahlie.  I really am.  I'm sorry I've brought you so much
pain."

   "You were worth it.  You still are.  Just be my friend and let me love
you, and the pain will be gone."

   "Okay.  If you say so."

   "I do."

   A day came when they talked about meeting.

   "Charlie, there's a real-estate conference in ----- in a few weeks.  I
can get away for three whole days.  Can you meet me there?"

   "Can I?  Lemme see what's on my schedule--hmmm, no earthquakes, the
Lord's not coming back, the world's not ending, I haven't broken both my
legs or lost my mind--I could work around those anyway--" She was laughing
happily.  "Oh, I'll be there, Carol.  Wild horses, alla that.  Just tell me
where and when."

   She did.  And then she sounded vaguely guilty.  "Charlie--I've never
done anything like this before--I don't--"

   He interrupted her.  "Relax, Carol.  I don't want to have an affair with
you."

   She sighed in relief.  "I didn't think you did.  I knew you understood.
But--"

   "I just want to see you, Carol.  But I will ask one thing."

   "What?"

   "When I see you--will you let me hold you for a little while?  Just hold
you?"

   Very softly: "I can do that."

   "Promise me."

   "I promise."

   His anticipation mounted.  So did hers.  They agreed to meet at a mall
not far from the convention center, where she would sign in and leave.

   He bought a new suit.  He had been working out for months, knowing this
day would come, and he had lost weight.  He was ready.

   He drove there all but vibrating with anticipation, checked into his
hotel, and then went to the mall a half-hour early, carrying a single red
rose.

   And she was already there.

   He saw her looking in a store window near the place where they had
agreed to meet, and he just watched her for a moment.

   Carol wore a modest business suit, knee-length, and stood with her feet
primly together--a little pigeon-toed, like a child.  Charlie smiled.

   She was a little thicker at the waist, but only a little; the swell of
her breasts was, if anything, greater, and her bottom protruded a little
more, but fetchingly.  Her hair was cut shorter, shoulder-length.  Her
hands were clasped modestly in front of her, holding her purse.

   She still looked like an angel.

   He walked up near her and just stood there.  It was only a few seconds
before she saw his reflection in the glass.

   She turned.  "Hello, Charlie," she said.  Her smile was like sunrise.

   "Hello, Carol." He stepped forward, and she gave him a quick, cautious
hug and kissed his cheek.  They looked at each other.  k They were both 47
now, not 20.  Charlie knew his face had aged, and his hair was graying,
through he still had all of it; but Carol's face seemed hardly touched by
the passing of the years.  She had no lines around her mouth or eyes, no
sign of worry or sadness; her life had been happier than his.

   There was only a little softness around her jawline and her chin, and a
tiny touch of gray in her hair.  He was pleased to see she did not dye it.
She looked 30, not 47.  He handed her the rose.

   "How pretty!  Thank you, Charlie!"

   "Have you had dinner?"

   They took his car and left hers at the mall.

   Once in his car, she moved near him.  He was surprised.  He turned to
look at her, and she was very near, close beside him.  Her head was lifted
toward him, her face upturned, and when he leaned toward her, she closed
her eyes and opened her mouth just a fraction.

   My God, he thought.  She wants me to kiss her.  Carol, my Carol, wants
me to kiss her again....

   He did.  It was a chaste and proper kiss, mouths closed, but sweet and
unhurried--and he sensed that he could have had more.  Not yet, he thought.
He marveled at how familiar her lips were to his mouth, even after so long.


   They drove to a nearby restaurant--Mexican food, a favorite for
both--and spoke little beyond, "It's so good to see you" and "How are you?"
on the way there.  Conversation, they knew, would come more easily at the
restaurant.

   And it did.  After they ordered, they looked at each other across the
table.  They had chosen a booth, where they could face each other and still
be close.

   "I can't believe I'm doing this," she said.  "I tell my husband
everything."

   He smiled and said, "You're not doing anything wrong."

   "I know.  I'm not ashamed, but it would bother him."

   "Let me see your hands."

   Puzzled, she held them out.  He took them in his own and looked at them
a moment; then he turned them palm up and looked at them a little longer.
He shook his head in wonder.

   "What?" she asked.

   "I remember your hands, Carol.  They're just like I remember.  Exactly."


   "Really?" She looked at him with a touch of wonder in her own eyes.

   "Yes." He looked up.  "And your smile--and those sparkling eyes."

   She showed him both, and coyly asked, "And do you remember the rest of
me?" She giggled.  "I'm sorry.  I couldn't help asking."

   He gave her a small smile.  "Oh, yes," he said.  "But I try not to think
about the rest of you, Carol.  That makes it hard on me." Then he grinned.
"No pun intended."

   She had looked stricken for a second, but at that she laughed.

   They talked of the past, but carefully.  The food was served, and they
talked as they ate.  Of Ken's Pizza and the Sonic, of the Student Union and
the Arena Theater, of their favorite bookstore--they shared a passion for
reading--and of long nights studying together.  Finally, Carol asked
quietly, "You know what I remember most?"

   Charlie smiled.  "Same as me, I'll bet."

   "The drive-in."

   He nodded.  "I can't think about that either, Carol.  I just can't.  It
hurts too much."

   "Then you don't think about the Park, or the Holiday Inn either," she
said, just as quietly, "or your apartment."

   He closed his eyes and said nothing.

   She covered his hand with her own.  "I'm sorry, Charlie," she said.  "I
shouldn't have said that."

   His eyes remained closed, but he took her hand and squeezed it.  "It's
all right, Carol," he said, his voice a little husky.  Then he looked at at
her.  "Just don't mention that again, all right?"

   "I won't.  I'm sorry."

   "You can't imagine--never mind.  Let's talk about something else."

   "How do you like being a teacher?" she asked.

   He smiled at her gratefully.  "I like it," he said....

   They talked and laughed and grew more comfortable throughout the meal,
and after.  Finally, they sat there with their empty coffee cups between
them and smiled at each other.  "What now?" asked Charlie.

   "There's a place I want to take you," she said.  "Let's go."

   She directed him to a parking lot near a small shopping mall.  He looked
the question at her, and she smiled and opened her door.  "Come on," she
said.  "You have to see it.".

   They walked together toward the building.  He could never find it,
forever after; but he remembered it.

   They passed through a series of arches, and emerged into a wonderland..
A still canal that reflected the torchlights that stood at intervals along
it.  The silent, darkened shops reflected them too.  They were surrounded
by mystic light and still water.  It was beautiful--and in the golden
light, so was she.

   They walked beside the water and talked in low tones, often whispering.
He held her hand in his as they strolled along the bank.

   He learned that Larry was afraid for long that she'd go back to him. 
That made him stop and look at her.  "Really?"

   "He said he was always afraid I'd go to the bus station and leave him
and go back to you, Charlie."

   "But you had a car."

   She smiled.  "I know.  But that's what he always saw, he said." That
made Charlie feel strangely warmed.  Larry had been jealous and fearful of
HIM...

   He could not keep his eyes off her.  "I can't believe you're really
here," he said, and more than once.  The fourth or fifth time he said it,
she came close and kissed him, and held it.

   His mouth opened, just a bit; but hers opened more, and then they were
kissing as they used to, long before.  His arms went around her without
conscious thought, and she embraced him as well.

   It felt the same, he thought.  Her mouth--it felt, and tasted, the same.
After almost thirty years--it was the same.  And it was beyond wonderful.
It was a miracle.

   "Believe it now?" she asked.

   "Oh, Carol--"

   All he could do was kiss her again.

   He drove her to his hotel, and neither spoke.  She was snuggled up
beside him as she had when they were kids.  There was no lump in his throat
this time.

   As they pulled into the parking lot, she suddenly said, "Charlie, I
can't do this.  There's nothing up there but a bed--"

   "I sprang for a suite, Carol.  There are two couches, and a table with
chairs.  We'll get coffee and we'll talk, that's all." He squeezed her
shoulders and she looked at him.  He smiled reassuringly.  "Carol.  It's
me. Charlie.  When did I ever give you anything you didn't want?"

   She smiled back and relaxed.  "Never," she said.  "You're right.  I'm
being silly.  Let's go."

   They decided on Pepsis instead of coffee.  They sat at the table, then
side by side on the sofa, with the bed in sight at the other end of the
room.  They chatted for a while, and it became more and more obvious that
they were both just stalling.

   Finally, there came a small silence, when they had run out of small
talk. They looked at each other, and they smiled.

   "I believe you made me a promise, Carol," said Charlie softly.  He held
up a hand with one finger pointing downward, and moved it in small circles.


   She smiled at that, and stood, and turned around.  She knelt on the
couch beside him, then leaned to her right and into his arms.

   She rested her head on his shoulder, and he held her close.  Just held
her, his arms squeezing her a little from time to time, his hands shifting
on her back as if to make sure that she was really there.

   She snuggled into his chest--and felt a drop of moisture on her neck. 
She leaned back.  His face was wet, but he was smiling.

   "Charlie, are you all right?  Maybe we'd better not--"

   He shook his head quickly.  "No, please.  Please, Carol.  I haven't been
this happy since--" He stopped.  "You still fit my arms.  No one else has
ever fit my arms like you."

   She nodded and snuggled close again.  "It feels the same," she agreed.
He bent his head to kiss her cheek.  She turned her head and took his
second kiss on her mouth.

   The third, in her mouth...

   Their tongues knew each other well.  "That feels the same, too," he
whispered between kisses.

   "Yes..."

   After a while their mouths parted.  "Let's go get comfortable," she
whispered, nodding at the bed.

   "Are you sure?" he whispered back.

   "Only because it's you."

   They took the few steps there hand in hand.  Carol stopped to slip her
shoes off, and sat down on the bed-

   And Charlie breathed, "Oh, Carol," and knelt beside her.  He lifted one
bare foot and held it reverently.  "Your feet..."

   She smiled.  "I forgot how much you liked my feet," she said.

   He held her foot in both hands, stroking it and gazing at it.  "So
pretty.  I loved your feet." He looked up.  "I still do." He kissed her
lightly on the instep, and then the other.  Then he sat down on the bed
beside her.  "I still can't believe it's really you, Carol.  That you're
really here, that I'm really here with you."

   "Let me prove it to you again."

   They lay down together, and their mouths sought each other.  They
whispered and touched each other's faces; they clasped hands, and Charlie
kissed her fingers, one by one.

   Carol smiled and brought his hand to her mouth--and one by one, she
sucked his fingers into her mouth and licked them, smiling at him
seductively the whole time.  He gaped at her like she had sprouted wings or
turned to smoke.  Finally she kissed his thumb and giggled.  "I'm sorry. 
That was mean," she said.

   He pulled her close and kissed her, deeply.  "Be mean to me some more,"
he said.

   Their hands roamed each other's bodies.  He put a hand on her breast. 
He did not ask if she minded.  She left it there.

   He squeezed her breasts, gently, and she gasped.  Her hand sought out
his crotch, and squeezed his aching erection.  She held it--then massaged
his dickhead, her hand moving in subtle circles as she pressed it into him
with her palm.

   "That feels the same, too," he murmured.

   "Sure does," she breathed.  "You're just as big as I remember." She
squeezed him again, and he shivered.

   "Do that again," he said, and I'm going to have to change."

   She giggled and did just that, and kept on squeezing till he pulled her
hand away.  He was sweating.  "I mean it, Carol," he said.  "Please stop."

   She looked at him.  Why?  her expression clearly said.

   "It's overwhelming me to be so close to you, to hold and and-and kiss
you--and touch you," he explained.  His eyes were moist again.  "I can't
take that.  It's just too much.  It brings back--"

   "The things you can't think about," she whispered, understanding.  "I'm
sorry, Charlie.  You're right.  I'm teasing you, and that's cruel."

   He wiped his eyes and smiled.  He had remembered something.  "Let me
show you what it feels like," he said, and began to unbutton the top of her
blouse.

   "What are you--wait--"

   He stopped at two.  "That's all," he said.  "I just have to get at your
neck."

   "Oh...."

   He pulled the top of her blouse to the side, exposing her creamy-white
skin from her shoulder to her throat; her skin, he thought.  As he bent his
head to kiss the secret spot above her collarbone, she lifted her chin for
it, though she barely knew she did.  Her body remembered things her mind
had forgotten.

   He kissed her there, and she gasped and sighed.  He kissed her harder
and sucked at that spot, and she hissed; he drilled it with his tongue, and
she whimpered and began to writhe under him.  He massaged and squeezed her
breast as he licked and sucked at her secret, magic button, and she was
soon breathing hard, her hips pumping unconsciously.

   Finally he lifted his head and looked down at her.  Her lovely face was
even lovelier, flushed and rosy-cheeked and soft with passion.  He had
never loved her more.

   "See what I mean?" he said with a smile.

   "Oh, yes," she gasped.  "No more, Chahlie.  No more.  I can't feel this
way with you."

   He rolled back on his side and took her in his arms.  They kissed,
passionately, clinging to each other and making small sounds of lust as
their tongues tried to express what their bodies could not.

   Soon, they had calmed down a bit, and kissed less desperately, just
holding and stroking each other gently, affectionately.

   "We're playing with fire," she whispered.

   "Yes.  But I've been so cold for so long, Carol.  Please be mean to me
some more and keep me warm."

   He looked at his watch.  "But not tonight.  You need to get back."

   She made a small mewing sound of protest, but sat up.  He was right. 
She had to get back to her own hotel in case Larry called.

   As they straightened their clothes and brushed their hair, Carol asked,
"Are you going to be all right, Charlie?"

   "Of course," he asked, surprised.  "What do you mean?"

   "You've been--a little weepy," she said.

   "I know.  You don't like it when I cry.  But this is different, Carol.
I'm not crying because you're gone.  I'm crying because you're back." Then
he gave her a wry grin.  "And I'm nor crying anyway.  I've just gotten a
little teary-eyed."

   She looked at him doubtfully.  "Okay," she said.  "But if I'm making it
too hard on you--"

   "No pun intended," he said.

   "No pun intended," she laughed.  "Really, if this is too--difficult--we
don't have to meet tomorrow."

   He took her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes.  "Carol," he
said.

   "Yes?" she looked at him innocently, wide-eyed.  How strange it is, he
thought, that she still doesn't understand what she means to me.

   "Today has been the happiest day of my life.  I feel like I'm alive
again.  If you don't meet me tomorrow, then tomorrow will be the worst day
of my life.  And I've had some very bad ones.  Do you understand?"

   "I-I think so," she said.  Her eyes were so green.  "Are you quite sure?
You know we have limits...."

   He nodded.  "I told you, Carol.  Holding you is enough.  You've given me
much more than that--and I'm grateful.

   "It's me, Carol.  Charlie.  I'll never do anything you don't want, and
you have no idea what I'd do to keep your friendship now that I have it
again."

   He gave her a crooked smile.  "Not fucking you is easy."

   She gasped and reddened, then laughed and laughed.  After a moment, she
asked, "Is it all right for me to say I wish you could?"

   He hugged her.  "Very much, my love.  Very much all right."

   They drove back to her hotel in comfortable silence, with Carol snuggled
up to his side like they were teenagers again.  He pulled up to the front
entrance to drop her off, and she kissed him lightly on the lips before she
got out--then looked around furtively, and kissed him longer.  "Pick me up
at nine-thirty.  The Botanical Gardens open at ten," she said.

   "I'll be here."

   "Are you sure you'll be all right?  Are you going to be able to sleep?"
She looked at him with concern.

   He grinned.  "Carol, I'm going to go back, get undressed, and--um--how
shall I put this--'meditate' on the events of the evening." He gave her
another crooked smile.  "I feel sure I'll sleep like a baby afterward."

   She giggled and looked at him, then leaned forward and whispered, "So am
I." Then she smirked and said, "And I'll be naked, Charlie.  Meditate on
that."

   Then she gasped and looked stricken.  "I'm sorry.  Was that mean?  Did I
hurt you?"

   He looked at her sternly.  "Yes, that was very mean." She blinked at
him, dismayed, and then he grinned.  "And no, it didn't hurt me.  Um--could
you be a little meaner, do you think?"

   She giggled again and leaned forward, eyes sparkling wickedly.  "I'll be
doing it in the shower, all covered with nothing but soap," she whispered,
"and then I'm going to go to bed naked and do it again."

   He closed his eyes.  "Oh, my God," he breathed.  "Okay, that's mean
enough.  I may have to meditate right here."

   They laughed, and she kissed him again.  "See you in the morning," she
said through the car window.

   "If I can get back to the hotel without hitting anything," he said.

   She laughed, "Be careful," and they parted.

   It was the first time he had masturbated to thoughts of Carol in many
years.  He came like a fire hose--in the shower.  Then he went to bed naked
and did it again.

   And then he cried himself to sleep.  The last words he spoke before
drifting off were, "I meant what I said, God.  I've had my hour.  Take my
life when you're ready.  But please...

   "Just not tonight..."

   --

   The next day was perfection.  They spent it together; first walking in
the gardens, where they strolled amung the flowers and kissed on an arched
bridge.  A pair of old ladies who were watching told them they were "a
pretty couple" afterward.

   They had a light lunch, then went to a bookstore.  They walked up and
down the aisles and looked at books, idly picking them up and putting them
back, occasionally showing them to each other, but soon they were looking
at each other nd smiling, then laughing.

   "I haven't paid attention to anything I've looked at since we got here,"
he finally admitted.

   "Neither have I," she said.  "What do you want to do?"

   "What do YOU want to do?" he asked.

   She took his hand.  "Well...  I need to get back earlier tonight,
because Larry called last night before I got back and I had to convince him
I was at a movie."

   "Okay."

   "So I want to go back to your hotel," she said, "and make out for the
rest of the day."

   "Gee, I dunno," he teased.  "That movie we were going to see sounds
pretty good..."

   She slapped his shoulder, laughing, and they left.

   It was more of the same, though they went a little farther.  They
remained fully dressed, and by turns held each other quietly and murmured
of dreams and memories to each other--but they also fiercely kissed and
groped each other like they were naked.  Carol was wearing jeans, and
spread her legs wide so Charlie could lie between them and grind his
erection into her denim-covered pussy mound as she hunched back at him.  He
kissed and nuzzled her big breasts through her clothes, and she held his
ass with both hands and whimpered, "Oh, yes...Oh, yes..."

   It was frustrating, but fun.  They kept each other halfway to orgasm for
hours, and flirted with three-fourths.

   By mutual, unspoken consent, they began to dial back their passion as
the sky began to darken.  By seven o'clock, they were simply holding each
other and kissing quietly again.

   "I love you," he said.

   "I love you too," she whispered, but looked troubled.

   Charlie saw.  "It's all right, Carol," he said.  "You're not making me
any promises.  I know that."

   She looked at him.  "Do you?"

   He pulled her to him.  "I know you'll never leave him," he whispered in
her ear.  He held her close so she couldn't see his face.

   "Thank you, Chahlie," she whispered.  "I do love you.  You always give
me what I need."

   He kissed her and sat up.  "Dinner before you go?  We can get room
service."

   She smiled.  "That would be perfect." Then she added, "Just like you."

   He looked at her blankly.  "What?"

   "You are," she said, her eyes soft as she lay there on the bed and
looked at him.  "You give me what I need, and you don't ask for anything,
and you understand--everything.  I do love you, Chahlie.  I really do."

   He lay down again.  "I would do anything for you," he said.  "Anything
at all."

   "Love me," she said.

   He smiled.  "Till they put me in the ground, Carol."

   They had dinner in his room--complete with candles--and then he drove
her back.

   "When will I see you tomorrow?" he asked.  "Can I come and pick you up?"

   She shook her head.  "No, I'll drive over," she said.  "I'll be going
home from here.  I only have till noon or so, and I want to spend as much
time with you as possible."

   "When will you be here?" he asked.

   She smiled.  "Early," she said.  "Let me surprise you."

   It was only a little past seven o'clock when she knocked.  He padded to
the door barefoot, wrapped in the hotel robe.  Beneath it, he wore nothing.


   He opened the door with a smile--and then his eyes widened.

   Carol had her hair tied back in a ponytail, and was wearing maroon
cutoffs and a matching sweatshirt.  She was barefoot.  She looked like a
plump and curvy teenager.  Her pale, beautiful legs seemed almost to glow
in the still-dim hallway.  Beside her on the floor were her bags.

   Charlie stared.

   "Well?  May I come in?" she asked, with a knowing smile.

   He blinked.  "Uh.  Uh, yeah.  Sure.  Here, let me get those." He picked
up her bags and carried them inside.

   She followed, and he closed the door behind her.

   "Wait," Carol said.  She opened the door, hung the "Do Not Disturb" sign
on the knob, then closed and locked it again.  She swung the emergency lock
into place, too.  "Can't have too much privacy," she said with a smile,
then opened her arms.

   He hugged her--and gasped.  He stroked he back and squeezed her, then
leaned back and smiled at her.  "You naughty thing," he said.

   She giggled.  "Just like old times."

   She was not wearing a bra.

   He looked down at her cutoffs.  They were shorter than he remembered.

   "Nope.  Nothing there either," she said.

   He looked at her and actually shivered.  He remembered; she meant she
was wearing no panties, either, and he was even more shocked than he had
been on that night so long ago.

   He looked at her sidewise.  "Okay," he said, "what's going on?"

   She moved into his arms and hugged him, and he held her close.  "We only
have a few hours," she whispered.  "and we won't be together again for a
while.  I want to give you something to remember.  A special treat."

   "Like I was going to forget?" he asked.

   She smiled.  "Just making sure.  C'mon, let's snuggle for a while." She
led him to the bed, where they lay down together.

   His robe was pulled around him, but she slipped a hand beneath it and
around to his bare back.  He held her close, and they kissed, but gently,
quietly.  She stroked his back.

   "I'm going to miss you so much," she murmured.

   He started to say something about missing her for twenty-seven years,
but thought better of it.  "Me too," was all he said.

   They kissed for a while, a little more passionately.  He stroked her
back through the sweatshirt, then cupped her breast.  It was so soft and
heavy, without her bra....

   She made a tiny sound of protest, then took his hand in hers and lifted
it from her breast.  He thought she was saying, "Not now"-

   But then she slipped his hand beneath her sweatshirt and released it.

   As he slid his hand upward and touched her bare breast, she made another
little sound--of contentment--and snuggled closer.

   He whispered, "I love you," and held her breast in his hand.  Her nipple
was big under his palm, and stiffening.  He kissed her.

   They cuddled quietly for a long time, and he explored her warm, smooth,
and achingly familiar body with his hands.  At one point he moved to pull
her sweatshirt off, but she stopped him with a hand and a tiny shake of her
head.  "That's for later," she breathed.

   "All right." He continued to fondle her beneath the shirt, and she
lifted her chest to his hands as they cuddled and kissed deeply.

   It was not the fierce, animal lust of the day before, though there was
passion there.  It was a deeper, warmer current of affection, a glowing
ember of trust and closeness that would awaken into flame quite soon
enough. There was no hurry.

   She unbuttoned and unzipped her cutoffs.  She made no sound, no other
movement.  When he slid his hand over her smooth belly and below her waist
inside them, she murmured softly, "Don't--"

   "I know," he whispered.  "Just touch." She sighed and kissed him,
relaxed and quiet in his arms.

   He stroked all across her lower belly, so smooth and soft, down to where
her thighs began, from hip to hip.  His fingers brushed the fringes of her
hair.  His hand moved lower, and for the first time in so very many years,
he touched her there.

   He cupped her tender mound, and kissed her.  He stroked her there, so
gently, just holding her sweet pussy in his hand, and she opened her mouth
to him and moved, so subtly, lifting her hips to his touch.

   He squeezed her for an instant, and then began to stroke her skin from
breasts to thighs.  His hand moved all over her, beneath the shirt and
shorts, touching her everywhere, petting her like a kitten, and she purred
with contentment.

   "How do you always know exactly what I want?" she whispered.

   "It's what I want too, my heart," he whispered back.  He cupped her
mound again, and there was moisture there.  He knew she would be liquid, an
intimate and fragrant pool of warmth inside her, but the time to touch her
there was not quite yet.  He stroked her secret hair and held her close.

   A few moments later, he covered her--then just held her, his hands
outside her clothes.  "Soon," he murmured.

   "Yes.  Very soon," she breathed, and wriggled against him, warm and safe
and loved.

   She lay quietly in his arms.  "When can we meet again?" she asked.

   "That's up to you," he said.  "I can come to you anytime." He held her
breast again, feeling the softness of it through her shirt.  "School is out
in a couple of weeks, and I'm off."

   Her eyes sparkled as she lifted herself to his touch.  "In two weeks?"

   "Mm-hmm." He bent and kissed her breast.

   "Would it be worth the drive for just a few hours?" The drive was four
hours for him, one-way, to get to where she lived.  She stroked the back of
his head as he nuzzled her.

   He raised his head and look at her face.  "It would be worth it for ten
minutes, Carol.  What are you thinking?"

   He moved to lift his hand, but she clasped it to her.  "I sometimes take
an afternoon off, on a weekday, and just go shopping or see a movie by
myself," she said.  "Larry's used to it.  We could meet and go somewhere to
be alone for just a little while.  Mmmm." she pressed his hand into her
chest and closed her eyes.

   "Every week?" he asked hopefully.  She shook her head.

   "No, that would be a change.  Just once every six weeks or so." She
smiled and rubbed her cheek against his chest.  "Maybe every month."

   "Name the day.  I can get there on five hours' notice.  Just call me and
I'm there." He squeezed her.

   "I'll be calling." She kissed him, then lay back and sighed.  "I feel
better now, love.  I was afraid it would be months...  What's the matter?"

   His hand had stopped moving and he was looking at her with a strange
expression.  "Please don't call me that," he said softly.

   "Something you can't think about?" He nodded.  She took his hand and put
it inside her shorts again.  "Seems like you could think about anything
again now, Chahlie..."

   He stroked her belly.  "Different direction," he said.

   She looked at him with a trace of sadness.  "From when it was bad," she
whispered.  He nodded, and she embraced him.  "What can I ever do to make
up for that, Chahlie?  I'm so sorry.  I had to do what I did.  I just had
to."

   So much he wanted to say, to ask her, to tell her.  But he found he
could let it go.  That time was past, and it was clear there was much she
didn't remember.  Why stir up all that hurt?  It was better now.

   "You already have, my heart." She smiled and closed her eyes and
snuggled close.  "Thank you, Chahlie," she whispered.

   "Just--" She opened her eyes.  "Just promise me you'll never shut me out
again."

   She hugged him.  "I promise," she said quietly.  "I'll never shut you
out again, Chahlie.  Never, never, never."

   He embraced her, and they kissed.  He sighed.  A very old wound had
finally had the poison drawn from it, and now it could heal.  Perhaps it
was healed already.

   His hand was in her shorts.  He caressed her there, and moved to kiss
her throat.

   She lifted her chin for it, and he pulled her shirt aside with his other
hand and began to kiss her secret spot.  He thought of it as only his; he
didn't know if Larry knew of it, and didn't want to know.  She whimpered,
just a little, and her thighs parted and then spread wide.

   She hissed and writhed as he drilled his tongue into her there, and his
finger found her tiny slit and gently--oh, so gently--parted her moist lips
and slipped inside her.

   She gasped and moaned.  So did he.

   She was so hot, so wet--so smooth and sweet--he felt her up and kissed
her throat and held her against him as she twisted in his arms and opened
her legs farther.

   "Oh, God, Chahlie--that feels so good--"

   "Mmmm.  Sure does."

   "No one could ever touch me like you do.  No one ever has."

   "I love you, Carol." He dragged his finger against her clit and made her
twist and moan.  "I love you, Carol." He did it again, and she shuddered.
"I love you." Once more.

   "Oh, God, Chahlie, I love you too.  I always have..." She rolled her
pussy upward for his touch and pumped her hips, urgently.  "You're going to
make me come already..."

   His eyes were wet.  "Tell me that again," he breathed.

   She knew what he meant.  "I've always loved you, Chahlie, I never
stopped...  Oh, God, that feels so good...."

   He dug his finger deep, slipped in another, pressed his palm against her
clit and moved it in slow circles.  "Tell me again," he whispered.

   "I've always loved you, Chahlie...  I've missed your hands so much..."
She made a strangled sound, deep in her throat.  "Ggg...  Ungh...  I'm
going to c-come, Chahlie...  Make me come...  Make me come now, like you
used to..."

   He stroked her long and deep, so firm and gentle and insistent all at
once, keeping the smoothly sliding contact with her clit and with her
pulsing pussy walls, and she drew up in a tense arch and shuddered in his
arms.

   "I'm c-c-"

   He began to shake her there, holding her liquid center firmly in his
hand and moving his hand so rapidly...

   "Oh, G-GOD," she cried, "I'm c-COMING...  I'm COMING, Chahlie, I'm
coming in your haaANND..." She grimaced and shuddered like a leaf in the
wind, and her pussy clenched and grasped at his fingers wetly as she tensed
and hummed beside him like a harpstring.  He shook her captured pussy hard
and kept her coming for most of a minute, till she was struggling and
choking out her still-growing, blooming orgasm in half-words and broken
gasps of white-hot passion.  "Oh, G--so good--Ggg--Oh, Ch--Chah--ngh--don't
st--nngh--love y--"

   He finally released her from the climax he controlled, still holding her
soaked and trembling pussy firmly in his hand.  He moved his hand more
subtly, allowing her to come down from her long, long peak of passion,
slowly and sweetly relaxing in his arms.

   She rolled toward him and sobbed into his chest.  He held her, his hand
still holding her sweet, wet pussy, protectively now.  She sniffed and
gulped, crying in his arms.  Then she looked up, her face wet but smiling.
"Only you, Chahlie," she quavered.  "Only you can m-make me come so hard, I
cry." She dropped her head to his chest again and gasped, "How can you
still do that after so long?"

   "It's what I was made for, Carol," he whispered.  "It's why I exist."

   She clung to him and breathed, "I think you must be right."

   They lay in silence for a while, and he held her close with one hand and
her sweet pussy in the other.  He felt her quiver in his arms from time to
time.

   He finally lifted his hand from her crotch and she lifted her head to
look at him--and as she watched, he licked and sucked her juices from his
fingers.  She smiled, delighted.

   "Oh, Chahlie..."

   He licked between his fingers and smiled back.  "Take those off," he
said, "And I'll make you come even harder."

   She shivered.  "Oh, God not now.  I'd explode."

   "A little later, then." She kissed him, deeply, tasting herself, then
took a deep breath and smiled at him, an expression on her face he could
not read.

   "What?"

   "It's time for your special treat," she said, her voice low and
intimate. She zipped her shorts and then climbed over him and off the bed.
"Come on."

   She led him to the sofa.  "Sit down and wait," she said.

   Breasts and bottom jiggling beneath her teenager's shirt and shorts, she
walked around tne room turning on more lights.  When the room was brightly
lit, she pulled the coffee table in front of the couch away and stood in
front of him, his view of her unimpeded.

   "There, that'll do," she said.

   "What--"

   "Now wait just a minute.  I'll be right back.  I have to go to the
bathroom." She grinned excitedly and literally skipped away, breasts
bouncing, and disappeared.

   He sat there waiting.  His mind was ticking over slowly, still trying to
comprehend what she had said, that she had always loved him.  He had just
decided not to ask her questions, but just to treasure it as it was, when
she came out of the bathroom--and he gasped.

   He gasped and stared at her in delight.  "Oh, baby," he breathed.  "Oh,
my God..."

   Carol was totally nude.

   She posed for him, her cheeks pink.  "I've put on some weight," she said
shyly.

   "You look better than ever, baby," he said.  "I swear you do."

   Her body was a marvel.  She was a bit heavier, but that only made her
curves more generous, more sensual.  Her breasts were bigger, but they
seemed almost as firm as when she was a girl.  Her belly had more of a
convex curve, but the sweet punctuation of her belly button still
hypnotized him as it had on that beach long ago.  Her thighs were heavier,
and her legs curvier, but they were still perfect--and her beautiful bare
feet still made him ache for her.  Her feminine, hourglass shape was
emphasized by her broader hips and bigger breasts--but above all, her
skin--and he could see all of it--was just as pink-and-white and perfect as
he had not dared to remember.

   She was a vision, beautiful and sexy beyond the dreams he had never
dared to dream.  He couldn't believe what he was seeing: his Carol, the
only woman in the world, standing in from of him, and as he loved her best:
totally nude.

   She was almost fifty, but she was more sensuously, sexily alluring and
plain beautiful than a roomful of naked 16-year-olds, and he would not have
traded her for a thousand of them.

   She smiled shyly and turned to show him her plump bottom.

   It occurred to him that she must be proud of it, and she should be--it
was big and firm and round and perfect.  "That's the most beautiful behind
I've ever seen," he said, and she blushed a little redder and stuck it out
for him happily.  She waved it at him a bit and giggled.

   "C'mere, baby," he said, and opened his arms.

   To his surprise, she shook her head with a wicked smile.  "I said I had
a special treat for you," she said.  "This isn't it."

   He blinked at her.  "Then what--oh." He began to smile.  "You want me
to?"

   She smirked at him coyly.  "You haven't seen me naked for almost thirty
years," she said.  "I thought it'd be fun to make a little show out of it."

   "Like we used to," he said.  His mouth was dry.

   "Mmm-hmmm....  Are you ready?"

   "Are you?" he asked as he prepared to open his robe.  "You haven't seen
this for almost thirty years, either."

   She smiled and whispered, "Show me, Chahlie.  Let me see how I excite
you."

   He opened his robe and showed her.  "Ooo!  You ARE excited!" His cock
was fully erect, curving upward slightly with a bead of pre-cum at the tip.
She knelt before him and took it in her soft hand.  She shivered at her
touch and closed his eyes.

   "Open your eyes, Chahlie," she whispered.  "I want you to see this." He
looked down, and as he watched in disbelief, Carol, naked to her lovely
toes, kissed his swollen dickhead and licked the bead of pre-cum away with
a lewd smile.  "Now jack off to me, Chahlie," she whispered as she rose
back to her feet.  "I want to make you come."

   She spread her bare feet wide apart, placed her hands on her knees, and
crouched in front of him sensuously.  As she bumped her pelvis subtly, her
breasts swung before his eyes, heavy and big and perfect.  Her large
nipples were hard and erect.

   She was so bare...

   Charlie pulled at his grateful cock.  After two days of constant
erection and solitary fantasies, he was enjoying this more than any words
could ever, ever express.

   She turned around, still crouching, and humped and rolled her perfect
ass at him.  She looked back over her shoulder and asked, "What do you want
me to do, Chahlie?  I'll do anything..."

   If he had ever dared to dream at all, he would never have dared to dream
this.

   He had her take his favorite poses, of course: half-crouching with her
hands behind her head, legs turned outward; lying on her back and holding
her knees as wide as possible; kneeling with her lovely ass high in the
air, her ass cocked up to expose her tender pussy lips, which parted
slightly.  She was visibly wet, her pussy--still so small!--glistening in
the brightly lit hotel room.

   That last was poignant; it was the pose she took when she wanted to be
fucked from behind, always her favorite way.  He loved seeing her display
the pink soles of her pretty feet almost as much as the flaring pink lips
of her pretty pussy.

   He had her pull her plump asscheeks wide apart, exposing herself as
obscenely as she could.  "How unladylike," he groaned, and she giggled into
the carpet and stuck her hairy cunt out even farther.

   "Do you ever p-play with yourself?" he stammered.

   "Oh, yes," she said, whispering the second word and hunching for him,
her rawly exposed crotch on lewd display.

   "Show me," he croaked, his cock sending him rumblings of the oncoming
express train of his cum.

   He watched, entranced, as her beautiful hand appeared between her thighs
and stroked her upturned pussy, and then he listened as she gasped when her
lovely middle finger disappeared inside it.

   Her hips were working rhythmically as she fingered herself, and she
rolled over and looked up at him from the floor as she masturbated with
him. "I don't have anything on, Chahlie," she breathed.  "I'm completely
naked..."

   She dug her finger deep and rotated it, whimpering, then pulled it out
and held her shockingly tiny pussy open for him.  "Look at me, Chahlie,"
she whispered.  "Look at my pussy.  I want to make you come.  Come for
me...."

   "I d-don't have anything to c-catch it," he stammered.

   She slid closer and held her knees back, writhing naked on the floor,
undulating her naked crotch at him, subtly shaking her full, heavy tits.

   "I'll catch it," she murmured with a smile.

   That did it for him.  He groaned and let it go as she cooed and wriggled
under his spurts and splatters..

   His sperm did not fly as far as it did when he was 20, but it shot far
enough to scatter drops on her from her pussy to her face.  "Ooo!" she
squealed, delighted as she watched his distorted face and felt his sperm
land warmly on her skin.

   Watching her smile and lick her lips, eyes twinkling as he shot all over
her, broke something inside him, and he just kept on shooting.

   When he was done, she lay there on the floor and posed for him as he
watched, wearing nothing but his cum.

   He took her to the bed and ate her lovely cunt for half an hour, with
his cum still on her body.  He kissed her sweet opening--and marveled at
her delicate pink lips.  He licked and sucked her tiny labia,
tongue-whipped her clit, and sucked her there and fingered her to another
series of shattering orgasms as she whimpered above him.  He kissed her
pussy tenderly, and she moved as if to kiss him back with it.

   They showered together, and they scrubbed every square inch of each
other with their bare, soapy hands, and delighted in the feel of their
slick bodies sliding against each other.  Charlie backed her up against the
tiled wall and sucked her wet nipples as he felt her up and soaped her clit
to yet another shuddering orgasm--and then another--and then she soaped his
iron-hard dick till he spurted, and she kissed his bursting dickhead while
he shot all over and into her sweetly opened mouth under the spray.

   When they were done and dry, it was time for her to go.  She changed
back into her business attire, and looked the well-bred, dignified, and
strait-laced middle-aged matron that she most definitely was not.

   "Can I walk you to your car?" he asked.

   She giggled.  "In that?" He was still wearing only the robe.

   "I can dress," he protested.

   "Don't," she said.  "Let me remember you like that."

   He grinned.  "I hope you don't mind if I remember you as you were--a
little while ago.."

   She twinkled at him.  "That was the idea," she stage-whispered.

   They embraced--and kissed--and he walked with her to the door of the
suite.  She settled her bag over her shoulder and looked at him.  "Don't
watch me walk down the hall, Charlie," she said.  "You'll see me again. 
And soon."

   He gave her a wry smile.  "You know me too well." he kissed her again.
"I'll miss you more now than I have, and that's not easy."

   "Call me--what is today?  Monday.  Call me tomorrow, Charlie.  That's
not so long."

   "And in a week or two--"

   "Yes." She hugged him again.  "I love you, Charlie.  I'll see you soon."


   And she was gone.

   He couldn't help it.  He peeked out the door and caught a glimpse of her
as she got on the elevator; then he went to the sofa and sat down.

   He looked at the bed, still rumpled; at the floor, where drops of his
drying semen still speckled the carpet except for where she'd been.

   He sat back and closed his eyes.  What did he feel?

   He smiled.

   Whole.

   He felt whole again.

   The world had light, and color.  He existed.  He lived.

   The miracle undreamed of, unasked for, impossible and beyond all hope,
had happened.

   Carol loved him again.

   (to be continued)