Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 This story and any sequels that may follow contain descriptions of sex
between young men and horses, and scatology.  If this offends you, please
do not continue.  I don't particularly care if you don't like it.  Go away
and don't bother me.

   If you are underage or if viewing this material is illegal where you
live, please leave as well.

   If, after reading the above, you wish to continue, on your head be it.
The usual disclaimers about the activities not being advocated or condoned
apply.  I hope the story gives you a good erotic experience.

   Equanthropus ts65SjHoV@gmail.com

   The Guy in Charge (m/horse, scat)

   I was looking for a part time job to help me cover living expenses while
at college.  With my rather odd sexual preferences, the ad naturally caught
my attention.

   WANTED: Part-time help for horse barn.  Flexible schedule, reasonable
pay.  Possible on-site accommodation for right fit.  Horse experience
preferred.
The ad gave a phone number and address not too far out of town.  It

would be an easy drive from the campus.

   I thought about the ad for two days.  I knew there was a big risk for a
horse sex lover like me.  I would be tempted.  Hell!  I would probably take
my first clear opportunity to get off with a horse if I took the job.

   I had worked in a barn before and knew what the chores were.  But I had
come damn near getting caught several times.  The laws in the state were
very harsh for people who charged with bestiality and I didn't want to ruin
my life for a little pleasure.

   However, I couldn't stop thinking about the ad.  None of my other job
applications were panning out, so I made the call.  A man answered; he
sounded young.

   "Hello.  I'm calling about your ad for barn help a few days ago.  Has
the job been filled?"

   "No, it hasn't." The man said.  "Do you have experience with horses?"

   I told him I had been a stablehand for three years during high school,
working weekends and holidays.  I was careful to be exactly truthful, only
leaving out my `experiments'.

   "Do you have riding experience?"

   Like most barn brats, part of my compensation had been some lessons and
being allowed to exercise some of the boarders' horses when they were away.

   "Any experience handling stallions?" he asked.  My heart skipped a beat.

   "No." I admitted.  "Mr.  and Mrs.  Waters handled the stallion
themselves.  Other than cleaning his stall, I rarely touched him." The last
was not true.  I'd petted the big beast every time I got near him and even
fondled his balls a couple of times.  But, as far as the owners knew, I'd
only held Darklord's lead rope a few times while they'd groomed or saddled
him.  Joan Waters had once said that she'd never had Darklord stand so
quietly as when I held him.  I'd smiled at the complement but been very
glad that my jacket was long enough to hide the bulge in my crotch.

   "Hmmm.  Could be a problem." The man said.  "We've got twenty stallions
out here.  We need people who are strong enough to handle them and not be
afraid." Twenty stallions!  My mind reeled at the thought.  I felt my cock
getting hard just imagining twenty stallions.

   "I'm pretty fit." I said, "I respect horses enough not get stupid around
them, but I'm not afraid of them."

   "Well, come out if you'd like to give it a try.  We'll check you out and
see if you fit in." He said.

   "When do you want me to come by?" I asked, trying not to let voice show
my excitement.

   "Got time this morning?" He asked.

   It was Saturday and I had no classes, so I said "Sure.  I can be there
in half an hour."

   "OK, I'm Jake, by the way.  Ask for me when you get here."

   I put on some old clothes and put some clean ones in a bag.  (I didn't
want to smell like a horse when I got back to the apartment I shared with
four other students.)

   It took me 20 minutes to drive out to the place.

   I remember wondering where the place was because I'd biked down the road
on some fitness rides and hadn't seen any barn large enough for 20 horses.
I was sure I would have noticed the place.

   I found it easily and whistled as I turned in the driveway.  The place
was huge, with long white rail fences I could see a couple of big barns and
a large covered riding ring.  Why hadn't I spotted this place before?

   I drove up to the nearest barn and parked.  As I got out of the car, a
guy came out of the barn, dressed in denims and a work shirt.  He was about
my age and size and looked pretty fit.

   "I'm Jake." He said.

   "Bob Morris." I said, shaking his hand.  "Are you in charge?"

   "No, you'll meet the guy in charge later." Jake said.  "The horses are
all out in the field right now.  Let's see if you know your way around a
barn." He pointed at a wheelbarrow and a manure fork.  "I'll do the stalls
on the left, you do the ones on the right."

   The barn was impressive on the inside, well lit with beautiful polished
dark wood walls along a broad aisle with a red brick floor.  I took the
barrow to the first stall and got another surprise.  The stall was huge, at
least four times the size of any stall I'd ever seen.  "How many horses to
a stall?" I called out.

   Jake answered from across the aisle.  "One per stall.  Stallions like
their space."

   The size wasn't the only unusual thing.  The stalls appeared to be
run-in stalls, with doors opening to the outside of the barn.  But there
were no fenced paddocks outside - just open fields.

   I shrugged and went to clean up.  The horse shit was all in a neat pile
in one corner and the wet shavings made it obvious the stallion pissed in
the same spot.  Not surprising for a stallion.  I knew several horses that
were neat like that and I'd been told that studs often had a dung pile as a
way of marking their territory.

   I scooped up the shit and piss soaked shavings in no time, checked the
rest of the stall quickly and wheeled the load back to the aisle.

   Jake was coming out of the stall opposite.  "Grab the feed tray and put
it outside.  They get scrubbed after every feeding.  Also, clean out the
manger so it is spotless." He pointed to a brush and pan hanging on the
wheelbarrow.

   I grabbed the brush and pan and cleaned up the manger as ordered.  I
swept up the few bits of hay on the rubber mat beneath it and dumped it all
in the wheelbarrow.  The enameled metal feed tray was set into a box on the
floor beside the manger.  I pulled it out of the box and swept the inside
of the box and around it as well.  I was getting the idea that the
stallions were pretty pampered and figured that cleanliness was a big part
of the care.

   The feed tray had a name plate: "Marlborough." Since that matched the
name outside of the stall, I assumed that each horse had its own feed
bucket.

   I went to the next stall - "Westerling" was the name on the outside -
and set to work cleaning it.  I grunted in satisfaction when I realized
that Westerling was just as neat as Marlborough.

   We cleaned the rest of the stalls quickly, although by the third one I
started to wonder if they trained all the horses to shit and piss in one
spot.  Every one of them was as neat as the first.  There were no grinders
that shat everywhere and stirred up the shavings into a mess of piss and
turds.

   I wasn't about to complain, however.  I cleaned the ten stalls on my
side in half of the time it would have taken in any other barn.

   Jake and I gathered the feed trays and took them to a deep sink.  We
scrubbed and rinsed the trays in scalding hot water, then put them through
a hot air dryer.  I was impressed.  I'd worked in a restaurant kitchen one
summer and they hadn't cleaned their dishes that well.  We took the feed
trays back to the stalls, Jake said he was satisfied with the way I worked,
but he'd have to see how I was around the horses before he could offer me
the job.

   "Just to show we're not taking advantage of you, here's a bit of cash
for your trouble so far and to cover whatever work you do for the rest of
the day." He handed me an envelope.  I peaked inside.  Five pictures of
Andrew Jackson looked back out at me.  I looked at Jake in surprise.

   He waved it off.  "We haven't discussed pay and hours yet, but that's to
let you know you will be paid honest money for honest work."

   I closed my gaping mouth.  "OK.  If you offer me the job, I'll take it."

   Jake smiled.  "Let's see how you do.  The horses should start coming in
for grooming and exercise pretty soon."

   Jake made no move to grab a halter or lead rope.  Instead, we went to a
bench outside the barn and chatted.  I told him about my courses at the
college.  He had finished his first year and decided to take a year off to
think about what he wanted as a career.  He told me there were three other
students also working on the farm.  Two of them had labs that morning and
the third was visiting his parents.

   After about 20 minutes, Jake looked up towards the field.  "Back to
work." He said and stood up.

   I followed his gaze and gasped.  Two magnificent horses were trotting
towards the barn.  One was a light bay and looked like a thoroughbred.  The
other was glossy black with an extravagant mane and tail; I guessed it was
an Andalusian from the thick neck and short-coupled body.  Both were big -
about 16.3 hands, I guessed.

   The two horses trotted right up to us.  I got another surprise as I
realized neither of them wore a halter.  "You take Guillermo," Jake said,
gesturing towards the Andalusian, "and I'll take Marlborough." He put his
hand on the thoroughbred's neck.

   "Where do we get the halters?" I asked.

   Jake smiled oddly.  "Don't need them.  The horses are at liberty here."
He walked into the barn with Marlborough walking calmly beside him.

   I followed and Guillermo walked at my shoulder.  I put my hand on the
powerful black neck and caressed the silky coat.  Guillermo gave a little
rumble of pleasure.

   I tried to control my breathing in the presence of this beautiful horse.
His potent scent filled my nostrils.  I felt my cock getting hard as we
walked to the grooming area.  I wanted to strip naked and hug myself to his
body right now.  I wanted sex with Guillermo more than I'd ever wanted sex
before.

   We got to the grooming stalls.  Each horse walked calmly into the middle
of one of them and stood square, waiting for us to groom them.

   Jake pointed to some bins of brushes, cloths and other grooming tools.
"Before and after exercise, every horse is to be groomed completely." He
emphasized the last word.  "From poll to frog and from tip of the nose to
tip of the tail, not a hair out of place or a speck of dust.  They are to
be shining when you are done.

   "Use only clean brushes and cloths on a horse.  Use them for one
grooming only, then they go into the cleaning barrel before they are used
again.  There are sponges and warm water for their nose, sheath and dock."

   I picked up a brush and went to work on Guillermo.  The horse stood
patiently while I brushed his coat.  Occasionally, he leaned into the brush
when I worked on a favorite spot.  I would give him a light scratching when
I came across those spots.  He whickered happily each time I did so.

   The close proximity and contact with the horse made my cock ache.  To
distract my thoughts, I threw myself into the work, trying to do the most
perfect grooming job I had ever done.

   I finished the tail and picked out his hooves.  I dipped a sponge in
warm water and turned back to clean his nose.

   My jaw dropped.  Guillermo's gigantic cock hung from his sheath, thick
and black.  The stallion turned his head and looked at me, as if inviting
me to fondle him.

   "Yeah.  He's pretty huge." Jake said, startling me.  I didn't dare turn
around as my cock was now fully erect and trying to poke out between my
belly and my belt.

   "Don't worry." Jake went on.  "I can see you know how to groom a horse,
so I'll finish grooming him.  Now we need to see if you can ride.  There
are some of my riding clothes in the tack room that I think will fit you.
You can probably find some boots that fit as well."

   Grateful for the escape, I hurried into the tack room.  Jake's breeches
were a little tight and I found a set of boots and half-chaps that fit me
perfectly.  I managed to cram my cock into the breeches and calm myself
down before returning to the grooming area.

   With Jake watching, I saddled and bridled Guillermo.  The stud made no
objection to the saddle or girth and accepted the bridle willingly.  I was
amazed at his perfect manners.  Jake again seemed satisfied with my work.

   The morning was just pleasantly warm.  I followed Jake to an outdoor
riding ring.  The only fence was a foot-high hedge.  There was nothing to
stop a horse from bolting if it chose to do so.

   We mounted up.  Guillermo stood rock still while I swung up and found
the stirrups.

   "Give him a workout." Jake ordered.  "Go through every exercise you can
think of and work him hard.  I want to see lather on his neck and between
his legs by the time you are finished."

   Obediently, Guillermo and I went to work.  Guillermo was the best horse
I had ever ridden.  He responded to everything I asked and did it
flawlessly without resistance.  I am only a satisfactory rider, not an
expert, but I could do anything with that horse using only the lightest of
reins and aids.  Halt to canter, canter to halt, trot, walk, flying changes
- everything I asked for, he gave me.  Near the end, Jake told me to tie
off the reins and work from just my seat and legs.  Guillermo did it all.

   When Jake called a end to the workout, I leaned forward and hugged the
stallion's sweaty neck.  I loved that horse.

   I dismounted.  I hugged Guillermo again and kissed his neck.  He tucked
his head, `hugging' me to his chest and soaking my shirt with his sweat. 
We walked back to the barn together, my hand on his shoulder, not touching
the reins.

   I stripped the tack - Jake took the tack from me after reminding me that
the saddlepads too were only used once between washings - and I walked with
Guillermo, Jake and Marlborough until both of the stallions were cool and
dry.  Once again, we did not put halters on the horses, which surprised me
when I thought of two stallions walking side by side unrestrained with no
dominance display or challenging.

   I groomed Guillermo until he shone, this time including a warm wash of
his cock.  With Jake being present, I handled it gently, trying not to
fondle it or show my interest.

   Jake handed me a small bucket of carrots and apples and told me to take
it back to Guillermo's stall.  Jake gave Marlborough a similar treat and
told me he had to go up to the house for about half an hour.  In the
meantime, I could spend some time looking around and getting to know the
place.

   Guillermo gobbled his treat, but he did not follow Marlborough back out
to the field.  Instead, he seemed to enjoy staying with me and being
petted.

   I stroked the horse for a moment, then kissed his neck.  He turned his
head and looked at me.  He tossed his head in the direction of the spot
where I'd picked up his shit earlier.  He walked over to the spot and
tossed his head again.

   I followed the stallion, mesmerized by his potent masculinity.  I
stroked his shoulder and kissed him again.

   He bent his head and whuffled at my groin, where my throbbing cock was
now rigid.  He lipped at the zipper.  Amused, I asked the horse "You want
to see what I've got?  It's not horse sized." I'm a respectable 7.5 inches
hard, but definitely not in the same league as a stallion.  Especially not
Guillermo, whose cock was the largest I'd seen on any horse.

   Guillermo lifted his head and looked in my eye.  He nodded his head
vigorously.  I laughed.  It was as if he understood me.  "Guillermo," I
said, "I'd love to get naked with you.  You have no idea how horny you are
making me."

   The stud snorted.  He pivoted, putting his ass against my chest.  I
stood for a moment, then unbuttoned my shirt so my bare skin touched his
powerful buttocks.  I stroked his rump, reveling in the feel of his glossy
coat and the hard muscles beneath.

   Guillermo lifted his tail and I looked at the muscular ring of his
asshole.  I hugged myself to his rump and kissed his asshole.  He whickered
happily as my lips touched the tight pucker.

   I kissed and licked the stud's asshole eagerly.  It opened and he farted
in my mouth, I thrust my tongue inside, rimming the horse and tasting his
shit.

   Abruptly, he lay down.  He looked at me over his back, then flipped his
tail encouragingly.

   I unbuckled my belt and pulled my breeches down.  Kneeling behind the
stallion, I pulled his tail aside to bare his asshole.  hPositioning my
rigid cock, I lay over his rump and pushed into him.

   Guillermo kept his ass tight; I had to work to penetrate.  When my balls
touched his anus, he squeezed my cock hard.  I groaned as the stud gripped
my cock in his ass.  I kissed his back and stroked his rump.  He whickered
softly.

   I humped the stallion's ass, pulling out and pushing in slowly.  As I
approached orgasm, Guillermo squeezed my cock once more, sending me over.

   I came in his ass for several long minutes, pumping my cum into his
shithole.

   My orgasm passed and I lay exhausted over his rump, caressing the silky
coat and kissing the horse.

   "I see the Guy in charge has offered you the job." Jake's voice came
from the stall door.  He sounded amused.

   Caught!  I scrambled to my feet, flushing with embarrassment.  "I - I -
I'm sorry." I stammered.  "I shouldn't be here.  I'll go." I buckled my
belt and went to walk out.  Behind me, I could hear Guillermo getting up.

   Jake stopped me.  "Whoa!  There's nothing wrong!  As I said, the Guy in
charge has offered you the job."

   Guillermo came up behind me and breathed on my neck.

   "Guy in charge?" I said, bewildered.

   Jake pointed at the stallion.  "The Guy in charge.  Guy.  Short for
Guillermo."

   I looked back at the stud.  He blew softly in my face.  "I don't
understand." I said.

   Jake smiled.  "The horses are in charge here.  Don't ask me how, but
they are in charge.  They are the ones who bring us here.  They are the
ones who arrange for us to be paid."

   He scratched his head.  "At least that is the only explanation we can
come up with.  Nobody but those they want finds the ads like the one you
called about.  Nobody but those who are willing to service them can find
this place.  Our pay turns up in an envelope in our pocket regularly each
week.  In cash.  I've no idea how it gets there.

   "In any case.  Guy has offered you a position." He shoved me towards the
stallion.  "Are you going to accept his offer?"

   I stroked the graceful black head and looked into the dark eyes.  He
grabbed my belt in his teeth and gently pulled down on it.  Obediently, I
began to strip.

   While I pulled my clothing off, Guillermo - Guy - returned the spot
where I'd fucked his ass.  He turned sideways and looked at me.  As I
kicked off my shorts and stood naked, he tossed his head towards his
hindquarters.  Two inches of his thick cock protruded from his sheath.

   I walked over to the stallion.  I stroked his side as I knelt beneath
him.  I kissed his cock and licked the tip with my tongue.

   Guy reared, towering over me.  His crotch and scrotum were in front of
my face.

   With my hands on his thighs, I pushed my face into his crotch and kissed
his fist-sized balls.  Eyes closed, I held the kiss for a long time.  I
inhaled the strong scent of his crotch musk and nuzzled the sheath.  I
wanted the horse to use me.

   I don't know how long we held that intimate embrace as I submitted to
the great stud.  Eventually, Guy slowly lowered himself, pushing me down.
As his front feet touched the floor, I lay flat beneath the horse, staring
up at his powerful body.  Guy began to move.  One by one, he lifted his
feet to my face.  I kissed each hoof.  Carefully, without stepping on me,
the stallion turned above me.  My eyes never left his beautiful balls.

   Guillermo stepped over me with his hind legs astride my chest.  His long
tail lay over my face and tickled my nose.  He lifted his tail, baring his
asshole.

   "Oh, yes, sir!  Please shit on my face." Guillermo obliged my request.

   His asshole bulged outward and opened wide.  A huge mass of brown
horseshit emerged.  As it fell towards my face, I opened my mouth.

   The heavy load landed squarely on my face, covering it and filling my
mouth.  As I began to chew the stallion's turds, the rest of the load slid
off my face and I looked up at Guillermo's asshole once more.

   Another load of shit was bulging out of the stallion's asshole.  I
gulped and swallowed then opened my mouth once more just as it landed on
me.

   The horse dumped four big loads on my face.  I caught and swallowed some
each time.

   The stallion lowered his tail.

   The Guy in charge had offered me a position.  And I had accepted what he
offered.

   Guillermo stepped sideways, turned around, then lay down beside me.  He
blew in my face once more and I kissed his nose.  I hugged my body to his.
My throbbing cock was pressed between his flesh and mine.  He tossed his
head towards his back, whipping my face with his mane.

   "Looks like the boss has some more work for you." Jake said.  "Get on
his back."

   I looked at Jake, not comprehending.

   Slightly exasperated, Jake repeated.  "Get on his back.  He's got work
for you and the fastest way for you to get to it is to let him take you to
it."

   I threw my leg over Guy's back and he surged to his feet.  The stallion
turned, putting his as in Jake's face.  He raised his tail and Jake licked
his asshole clean.  When Jake was done, he smiled at me.  "I thought you
were going up to the house for half an hour." I said.

   He grinned back.  "Guillermo needed some time to seduce you.  From the
bulge in your crotch when you were grooming him, I didn't think it would
take long."

   I laughed.  "He seduced me from the moment I saw him.  I just wanted a
chance to be alone with him.  If I'd known it was OK, I would have sucked
his cock when he first dropped it out of his sheath."

   Guillermo walked through the outside door of the stall.  The roll of his
muscular back between my naked thighs and his soft coat rubbing against my
cock made me gasp with pleasure.

   Once we were clear of the barn, Guy leapt into a gallop.  I wrapped my
legs around his barrel and went with him.  His gait was so smooth that I
did not need my hands to stay on.  I leaned forward and stroked his neck as
he ran.  I nearly came with the feel of the powerful horse beneath me.

   Guillermo galloped for about ten minutes.  His body became hot and
sweaty and his neck lathered beneath my hands.  We entered some woods.  He
slowed to a trot, then a walk as we entered a clearing.

   There were several sloping benches with handholds and footholds.  My
heart pounded, knowing that this beautiful beast intended to fuck me.

   He halted and I slid down from his back, a little unsure.  I knew that
people had been killed by horses fucking them.  But I wanted him badly.  I
would do it.  I wanted his huge cock up my ass no matter what happened.

   For the first time, Guy became aggressive.  With a squeal, he shoved me
with his shoulder, sending me to my knees.  Before I could do anything, he
moved over me and stepped forward, putting his crotch in my face.

   I stared at the lather between his thighs for a moment.  He squealed,
stomped a hoof, and pumped his crotch in my face.

   I pushed my face between his hot thighs and began to lick the lather. 
He rumbled with pleasure.

   I licked that sweaty crotch eagerly.  From time to time, the stallion
would whinny loudly and pump against my face.  He stomped a hoof and
positioned his scrotum before my eyes.  Obediently, I licked the sweat off
his balls.

   At last, he stepped back half a pace.  Five inches of thick horsecock
hung down.  He stomped a hoof once more.

   I took the end of his cock into my mouth.  He pissed into me.

   The stallion poured his piss into my mouth.  I opened my throat and let
it run down to my gut.  Guillermo was asserting himself, letting me know
that he was in charge.  I stared into his crotch and worshiped his balls,
loving this horse for using me.

   Guillermo pissed a long time.  Joyfully, I submitted to him, enjoying
the hot flood that poured down my throat.  I wanted to belong to him.

   At last he stopped pissing.  He stood for a moment with his cock in my
mouth.  He shot one last jet of piss down my throat.

   Now his cock began tumbling out, enormously thick and long.  I could
barely encircle it with both my hands.  I kissed it and licked it, begging
him to fuck me.

   He stepped away and stomped a hoof once more.  I got to my feet and he
shoved me towards one of the benches.

   The stud became more aggressive, shoving me with his head and body and
nipping at me to hurry me.

   He began to rumble continuously.  It was no longer friendly and
inviting, but demanding and menacing.  Guillermo wanted to fuck me and
wanted me ready NOW.

   I climbed onto the bench quickly, I found the footholds and positioned
myself.  My erect cock poked though a hole positioned in the bench.

   Guillermo blew hot breath on my back and sniffed my ass.  He bellowed a
loud, angry whinny.  He was now going to take what was his.

   With a squeal, he reared and landed on top of me.  I was squeezed
against the bench beneath his powerful body.  His hot flesh glided over my
back; the silky coat caressing me as I was pinned beneath him.

   His forehooves were over my shoulder and I kissed them.  He gripped the
back of my neck in his teeth while he positioned his cock at my ass.

   I was helpless and totally at his mercy.  I wanted him to use me.  "Fuck
me!  Fuck me, Guillermo!  Use me, master!" I called out.

   Guillermo penetrated my ass.  I screamed with pain and ecstasy as he
entered me.  His giant tool stretched my ass beyond belief, but the pain
was less than the pleasure.  He paused for a moment and I seemed to adapt
to accept his cock.

   He pushed in, driving his cock slowly into me with his mighty
hindquarters.  Deeper and deeper he entered me.  I felt his cock move up to
my navel, then my sternum and my ribcage until it seemed to be at my
throat.

   His body now covered mine completely.  I could feel his balls on my
buttocks and his chest rested on my head.

   Guillermo pulled back as slowly as he had entered until I could feel the
tip of his cock at my navel once more.  He pushed forward slowly again.  I
closed my eyes and enjoyed the stallion's fucking, caressing his forelegs
on either side of my head.

   He pulled out and pushed in again, faster this time.

   The stallion humped me, his speed and power building with each stroke.
Soon he was ramming me with mighty, rapid thrusts.  I felt no pain, only
ecstasy as the horse now pounded my ass.

   With a final, massive push, Guillermo came.  His cock erupted inside me;
its whole length embedded in my body and shaking me as it pulsed within me.


   I came too, my cock shooting in time to the stallion's as we joined in
orgasmic pleasure.

   His ejaculations slowed, then halted.  He lay on top of me for a long
minute.  I could feel the tension leaving the body that covered mine.  I
could feel his cock softening inside me.  I drifted, eyes closed, satiated
by the stallion who had used me.  I caressed his foreleg.  "Thank you." I
breathed.  He blew hot breath in my hair.

   Guillermo stirred, then heaved himself backwards.  Dismounting, he
pulled his cock out of me.  I moaned with pleasure, wanting more.

   As if in answer, a thick tongue swept over my ass.  Eyes still closed, I
humped my ass upward, begging to be fucked again.  I heard the bellow of a
horse and lay flat to be used again.

   Once more, a heavy body landed astride my back.  Smiling, I opened one
eye and looked back at my lover.

   I started.  It was not Guillermo.  A dapple grey horse was on top of me.

   Before I could react, I heard Jake's voice.  "Relax.  The others want
their turn.  This is Graf Grau."
   "Willkommen, Graf." I said, and spread my ass to receive him.