Changes and Such:
Confessions
By
Donna Z.

Updated on 9/12/07

Hi, this is Donna Z.  Join me as we look at how sudden changes
can lead to romance, love, and long term commitment, to say
nothing of intimacy.  As usual, this story is for adults, if you
are not old enough to read this in your area, or don’t like
lesbian happiness and sexuality, please don’t read this story. 
Further, this story is copywrite to me, Donna Z. 2007, please
don’t steal it.  Now with all of that out of the way, let’s get
started.

This story will only marginally follow my set series formats,
though there are several elements from my “Hometown Series”
stories.  However, to understand the interplay and relationships
in this story, you’ll find that knowledge of my other stories
will be very helpful.  This story was originally intended to be
named “Hidden Lust III” and was going to tell about the warm,
affectionate, highly sexualized, and very unusual six month long
relationship with “Joy” during a period of “lust at first sight”
that swept up our lovers.  However, with the loss of my husband,
all writing of this nature was set aside, as I had much more
pressing matters to worry about and was frankly, not in the mood
for such escapism.  He was my muse, helper, and as far as men go,
and I am not much on men at all, he was a true prince, and I did
love him very much, and I do miss him.

This story will reveal where my life has gone since his untimely
death, and the original story idea of “Hidden Lust III” will be
incorporated into this one.  Included will be several lines that
show how intense and powerful mutual lesbian attraction can be. 
Joy and I took it to the very limits, and yet we were very good
to and for each other.  In the lesbian world, this sort of
relationship is dreamed of, yet often denied.

As women in this society we are taught to be silent about our
lustiness, and to bottle up our passions so folks think we are
“good girls,” good grief it is driven into us starting in grade
school and this sort of “invisible burqa” we are forced to wear
around is heavier than we care to admit.  Well, I refuse. I will
not be disingenuous about the affair that I had with Joy. An
affair that was among the most powerful, liberating, and loving
that I ever had.  It was a weird and lusty one, but oh my was it
fun and thrilling for me.

Join me, won’t you?

My Other “Hometown Series” Stories:

                               Private Memories
                               The Lesbian Walk
                               Maryann Comes Out
                               Hidden Lust
                               Hidden Lust II
                               Helen’s Encounter


Story elements: F/F, rom, bereavement, starting over, oral, anal,
mild fetish play

The Event

You are never ready for the day when someone tells you that your
husband is dead.  There is no way to describe the stunned shock
you will feel.  Inner turmoil is a mild way to put it.  For life
as you have known it is over.  What began in the morning is now
gone.  You are a widow now.

We had gone to work, like we did on any weekday morning, quietly,
half awake, needing some coffee, and getting geared up for
another day.  It was summertime, the kids were with his parents
at their camp north of the city, and we weren’t thinking about
much of anything save getting through to the evening.  There was
the perfunctory kiss, and the half hearted “see you soon” at the
gate to the plant.  He went to his office, and me, well, it was a
stroll to the coffee pot and then to my little place.

It started as a hectic morning; all business, all rush, all “we
need it now!”  The way we get worked up over little things. 
There was no difference from yesterday save the date.  No, I
wasn’t ready when the sheriff, the boss, and a paramedic came to
the office just before 10 AM.

They hustled me off to a quiet place and broke the news to me. 
“Mrs. Z, your husband is dead.”  At first you don’t believe it
because it’s so completely absurd; you had just seen him not 40
minutes earlier at break.  You just sort of crumple up, not
wanting to believe this nonsense, and scared out of your wits. 
You ask the usual questions, what happened, how, where, even a
pathetic why?  You cry too, eventually.

He had been only 38 years old, how could he be dead?
You have to go see him, this is all a mistake, a bad joke, where
is my husband!  What have you done to him!

They said an aortal aneurysm had killed him, that there had been
little pain and that it had been very quick.  He had been healthy
and active and yet he had a deadly clock ticking away inside of
him.

After all the questions that race through you mind about him, the
kids, and how this isn’t happening, you are left with the final
question that is the biggest worry of them all; “what am I going
to do now?”

Wow.  What do you do now?  Your life has just come unglued.  And
sister, that is just the beginning!

The in-laws and my parents were a great help, and I was able to
get all of the preliminaries including emptying out the safe box
at the bank quickly, before notice had gotten out and the box had
been sealed.  My mom was a saint in this.  “Life is still going
on, and you better stay alert, hon.”  She must have said that 20
times that day.

There is no way to describe a wake.  Good God I hate wakes.  Try
as the funeral director did, there is no way to get all of the
purple coloration that comes from such an aneurysm out of the
victim’s face.  They try everything, but it’s a tough thing to
do.  I had to ask for the casket to be closed, it was too much to
bear.

The children were another problem.  It was with the kids when I
truly cried.  It is hard to explain to 7 and 9 year olds why
daddy isn’t coming home anymore.  Yet, they were far more
resilient that I was.  Perhaps it was because the children really
couldn’t grasp the full import of the loss immediately.  With
kids it seems to unfold over time.

A lot of people came for the funeral.  Shonda flew in.  Jen and
Maryann (Moe) were there.  Joy came.  Kelly, Louise, Helen, Toya
and Linda all showed up too, along with a pot load of high school
friends.  It was like a big school and college reunion.  Too bad
it was so somber a time.

But the funeral does get done.  The obituary is seen and within a
week is forgotten except by you.  There is no forgetting.

The friends went home, except for Joy.  She stuck around with
legal business in town.  I didn’t know it, but she was a member
of the Bar Association in this state as well as out west.  I
needed a lawyer, quickly, and it was very handy of her to be
around!  She didn’t hesitate to help me, and what a great help
she was.  Thank God for her in settling the estate issues or I
would have been fleeced!

Though there was no time to think about the past let alone
anything intimate, I could not help but notice that Joy was
almost exactly the same as she had been when we were in college,
and that she seemed to have aged so gracefully that I didn’t see
any noticeable difference in her appearance at all.  She was more
conservatively dressed, but that was about it.  Let me introduce
her.

The Past: high school days.

Joy was born into an old line Mexican/Anglo/Cheyenne Indian
family known in these parts since before the Civil War.  It is a
family rich in history and heritage as ranchers, traders,
soldiers, and old time cavalrymen.  Joy was the first middle
child in her family of three sisters and two brothers.  Yet,
almost from the beginning, and Joy will admit it, there was
something different about herself.  But, by age eight, Joy
suspected it had something to do with girls.  She and her cousin,
and to a lesser extent, her older sister were fooling around in a
sexual manner.  By age ten, Joy had performed oral sex on her
cousin, on a dare.  By age twelve, Joy had a steady girlfriend
outside of the family and this relationship was mildly
sexualized.  By age fourteen Joy had had sex with an older girl
and had gotten into not only oral/genital contact but analingus
as well. By fifteen, Joy not only was seeing her cousin
regularly, but this older girl and her other girlfriend too. 
Then the bottom fell out.

Joy’s parents found out about her homosexuality and all hell
broke loose.  Her family disowned her, and she was shipped off to
the city to live with her Aunt Luisa and Uncle Jose.  Joy would
never see her girlfriend from childhood ever again, and it was
many years before she saw her cousin and older sister.  However,
things were not all bad.

Life in the city was actually very agreeable to Joy.  Her aunt
and uncle were working people who had no children of their own. 
Jose and Luisa laid down a set of rules, and Joy followed them:
no slumber parties; must be in by 9PM on any school night, 10PM
all other nights, homework must be done to completion before
going out.  She would get a rather good allowance based on a
sliding scale, good grades and behavior brought rewards, trouble
and poor grades reduced the money.  Jose and Luisa admitted
upfront that they did not understand homosexuality, but were well
aware of Joy’s problem, and they demanded that Joy never bring
homosexual actions into their home.

Joy behaved and got good grades, and enjoyed a freedom in Jose
and Luisa’s house that she had not known in her family home.

Before she was sixteen, Joy met Inez, an exceptionally attractive
black girl with a real gift at dancing.  Joy could also dance
well, and the two got together based on this mutual interest. 
This friendship grew and soon they were having sex, regularly. 
Inez had been very much in-the-closet, and Joy’s openness had
helped bring Inez out.  Once Inez was out, the affair got very
torrid.

Inez was about five feet four inches tall, or just a bit taller
than Joy.  They developed a rapport and an act that cloaked the
lesbian side of their friendship quite well.  Being good dancers,
they put on a good “fly girl” dance and comedy act, and Inez was
big in Student Theater activities.  Joy simply followed along and
found she liked theater.

The sexual side of the affair was more intense than anyone had
been led to believe back in high school.  My close friend Toya
was actually jealous of Joy for being involved with Inez, and
during conversation let slip that Joy and Inez were doing it “a
lot.”  Well, “a lot” proved to be an understatement.  It was very
regular.  Inez and Joy were careful but ardent young lovers with
knowledge of sexuality that was well beyond their years.  They
started taking risks in public, usually in the form of hand and
finger quickies.  It got wild, but it was a very constructive
relationship.  Inez started getting great grades, and her school
life improved a whole bunch.

Inez’s parents were amazed at how her grades had improved and how
much happier their lovely daughter seemed to be, but were aware
of the increasing attachment Inez had with the attractive and
intelligent Joy.  The parents let it slide for quite awhile.  But
when Inez and Joy planned on going to the university together,
Inez’s father became concerned that something might be going on.
He started watching more closely, but being a bit clumsy about
his spying tipped off the lovers to the game.  They quieted down,
but grew closer than ever.

Both girls graduated with high honors, and got handsome
scholarships, but Inez’s father had become alarmed that Inez was
“too close” to this otherwise ‘good influence’ Joy and though he
would not say it aloud, he suspected albeit correctly, that his
baby and Joy were having a lesbian affair.  Inez was promptly
sent to live with relatives in New Jersey after graduation.  This
all but ended the affair and Joy was crushed.  They communicated
for awhile but drifted apart.  As a note though, Inez went to
college back east, and lives in New York City with her long time
lover, she is a “Gold Star” lesbian which means she has never
been with a man and has no desire to be with one.  Like a number
of our friends who stayed lesbian, Inez teaches at the university
level.  Joy and Inez do see each other, about two to three times
a year, and remain very close.

The Past: The early university period.

Until Joy met Valerie, who was introduced to you in the story
“Hidden Lust,” Joy knocked around and had a series of disastrous
affairs at the university that did nothing but tarnish her
reputation and get the local prudes out calling names.  But Joy
got lucky and met Valerie, and they clicked well.  Then they got
into the house with the rest of us, and things went well until
the outbreak of “lust at first sight” you learned about in
“Hidden Lust II.”  But then Joy came into my life.

The Past: Those special months.

Joy and I lived together for nearly 6 months during college,
while our regular lovers were lost in a “lust at first sight”
affair with each other.  Life with Joy was exceptionally good,
very passionate, and we got along great, and lived together with
real ease.  It was so good that I didn’t want to go back with
Shonda when the affair fell apart like “lust at first sight”
affairs usually do.  But I did.  Joy went back with Valerie, and
though we remained quite close we were always just out of reach
of each other.  It was funny in a way too, for Joy and me had in
6 months gone as far with each other as Shonda and me had gone in
4 years.  Joy was tuned in as a lover, and I always felt her
love.

Those were good days during that year.  I hadn’t known that Joy
had this crazy deep crush on me, and that was hard for me to
understand.  I was this nerdy, white-bread, “math major girl”
type, and Joy had been with one of the prettiest girls in high
school, bar none, in one of the most comical couplings anyone had
ever seen.  I thought I was kind of “bland” compared to the “fly
girls/comediennes” double act Inez and Joy put on.  But
apparently it was the solid relationship I had with Shonda, the
quiet persevering manner I attacked my studies with, and the
grades that I got.

Inez apparently knew Shonda and I were lovers and ardent lovers
at that, and this impressed Joy.  I have often wondered if Inez
talked to Toya about our circle as Inez was always curious about
Shonda, but she and Joy were a year younger than our group, and
had their own circle of friends.  Shonda says that she never went
to bed with Inez, though that, “would have been very tempting,”
if Inez had ever come on to her.  It appears Inez had a powerful
crush on Shonda, and never acted on it.

Joy was into a bit of role play.  She liked the butch role, but
was pretty darn mild by butch standards!  Me, I don’t mind
butch/femme, but usually I find the roles kind of limiting.  But
Joy’s idea of butch/femme is more “husband/leader” and
“wife/lover-helper-etc.” Now, to become the “wife” in a lesbian
affair, willingly, was and still is a weird sort of feeling for
me.  Joy was very much the “leader” type, and though “lipstick”
she could be called sort of “butch,” I suppose.  In the lead-up
to an encounter, Joy would play this sort of gender-bender butch
“husband” cum Rudolph Valentino sort of role, and I loved the way
she did that.

Apparently, Val didn’t like that very much.  But I sure did, it
was fun.  It wasn’t “me Joy Tarzan, you Donna Jane,” It was more
“campy/vampy” on my part.  I became the seduced yet the
seductress at the same time; the “wife” who seems so apprehensive
but turns into the volcano of desire with only a little prodding
from the quite seductive “husband.”  I surrender, but I conquer!
You pursue me until I catch you.

It always seemed to start on the way to the shower.  Things would
escalate from there until we were in a hot encounter with few
limits at all.  Any lesbian couple can tell you that shower time
is always a good time for sexy fun.  I liked washing down
“husband” Joy, and would lick her honey well or butt with no
hesitation following a good washing of the area, Joy was also
good at washing me, and like me, was a very serious butt nut.

I don’t think there is any inner feeling in a young woman that
screams “face it sister, you’re queer” any louder or more clearly
than becoming sexually aroused at the thought of licking another
woman between the buttocks.  As lesbians, we rarely or more
likely never ever talk about oral/anal, nor talk very much about
sexuality in general even among friends, so it is a strange
feeling to carry around this urge that is so couched in a
perceived perversity, until you find that you are not so very
alone.

Shonda, my regular lover, absolutely loved to be butt licked. 
Why?  Because she was quite sensitive there and the activity was
highly arousing for her.  Others that I had been with were, in
varying degrees, also somewhat sexually sensitive around the
anus, but only Shonda, Joy, Maryann, and Linda had been really
highly turned on by this activity.  Jen could take it or leave
it, though she was unafraid to do it.  Kelly and her lover hated
the activity and didn’t hesitate to say so.  Toya, like Jen was
not put off by oral/anal, but she only got so much out of the
play.  Me?  I like the feeling, it turns me on and is very
arousing, but I don’t get super turned-on like Shonda or Joy or
Maryann do.

But Joy had another quirk that played into my hidden feelings as
well.  Joy liked “watch you go” and “watch-n-wipe” poo play. 
There is little in lesbianism, or human sexuality in general that
is more couched in psychological, and non-sexual yet sexual
overtones than poo play.  “Watch you go” and “watch-n-wipe” are
the very mildest and certainly the most common forms of such
not-so-usual play that might flare up in a lesbian relationship.
 This activity is absolutely, positively never discussed.  It is
intensely private, and is one of the most personal actions that
can be shared, and by this I mean that if you know what your
lover’s body looks like when she goes, she has no bodily secrets
from you, none!

Joy instigated this play not long at all after we got together,
and for some reason I played along.  I don’t really regret it,
but it is so weird and downright queer to think about.  It is
something of a weird turn-on, yet at times I am left feeling
quite uncomfortable about this.  But Joy had no such troublesome
feelings at all.  (As an aside, in my writings, when you read
about “watch-n-wipe” and “watch-you-go” poo play, all of these
are derived from my play with Joy in this area.)

I had watched Shonda put on a “spectacle” a few times, when she
would push out the thick logs of dump she was prone to expelling
because of her severe constipation troubles.    But, we had only
done this sort of play maybe three times in over fifteen years of
being together, and four of those years doing the adult things. 
I had seen Linda poop once, more in a desperate situation than by
any sort of sexual design.

Yet, in just six months, I would watch Joy and be watched by her
as many times as I had ever seen Shonda go!  It was weird.  I was
so willing to go to the edge of abject surrender with Joy.  Far
more so than with Shonda, and I did wonder if racism might have
been why I didn’t go so close to the utter edge with Shonda. 
But, that wasn’t the case at all.  Joy was different; she was so
much more daring, and a far more “aggressive” lover sexually than
Shonda, who was more demure, more the “smoldering passion” sort
of person.  Joy was overt, out, “loud and proud,” and no
shrinking violet.

Val must have felt that Joy was almost too much to put up with,
but I found Joy to be so naturally sexual, so completely tuned in
and so “out” and comfortable with her sexuality that my wildest,
craziest fantasies were now possible.  I fell for Joy real hard
almost overnight.  It was Val’s loss as I saw it.

For six months I shared a bed with the most sexually active,
adventuresome, passionate, and at times, downright weird woman I
would ever know.

We would double date regularly with Jen and Maryann.  Jen was the
very willing, affectionate “wife” and Maryann had become very
butch, not stomping, flabby, and bullish, but shorter-haired and
every bit the “husband” through and through. Oh God how exciting
it was!  Jen and I naked on the bed side by side, our legs up, as
our lovers would eat us, they would lick our honey wells,
thrusting tongues into our honey holes, and try hard to get their
tongues into our butt holes, playing with our boobs and sexually
teasing us to a fever pitch and then slapping the strap-ons to
us.  This was my first serious experience with strap-on dildo
play.

Jen and I looking into each others eyes as our lovers fucked our
brains out!  That is a gender bender experience that has to be
felt in order to be understood.  They were fucking us, while
their boobs quaked and in Joy’s cases wobbled and flopped around
happily.  I was watching Moe fuck the brains out of Jen who had
this incredibly happy expression as she held on for dear life,
wrapping her legs around Maryann’s waist and just letting Moe
pile drive the tool into her honey hole.  I did the same thing
and oh my God it got intense.  This was my first vaginal orgasm,
and it was good, not as good as a clitoral orgasm, but not bad
either.

Following the fucking we made out with our lovers and then it got
wild.  Joy and Moe wanted the “wives” to lick them, and the way
Joy and Moe wanted us to lick their asses was a psychological
event that left me quivering with excitement, and I have never
forgotten each and every time we did this.  After marriage even,
I would often masturbate to this memory.  Joy was naked, facing
my feet, standing up.  She began to squat down over my face. 
Seeing the butt spread apart and how the butt hole became exposed
and stretched a bit was a turn-on in itself.  She brought the
hole to within inches of my mouth and something snapped in me.  I
grabbed her at the hips and put my mouth fully over Joy’s
stretched anus and tried like the dickens to get my tongue up her
butthole.  I was going nuts.  It was abject, and yet so exciting
to me.  I was my “husband’s” whore, my “husband’s” ass licker, I
was Joy’s “slut wife” and I loved every second of it!

The most intimate way to give your lover a good butt licking is
to have her squat over your face as if she is going to go all
over you.  It becomes not only sexual, but psychological too.  It
becomes a matter of pure trust that your lover is not going to
poop or fart on you, nor do anything grotesque.  It is easier to
get your tongue partly into the anus for a tongue ream but I
couldn’t really do it all that deeply with Joy, and it was not
for lack of trying either!  Yet, the amount that I could get my
tongue into her anus and then drag it out of the hole was more
than enough to bring up the goose bumps on Joy’s butt, and cause
her labes to swell mightily.  Joy would get all turned on, and
then the fun would start!

Jen was doing the same to Maryann.  We would pleasure their butt
holes for a little while and then they wanted their orgasms, and
I was more than happy to just torture Joy with my tongue.  I left
her screaming and with legs shaking and closing about my head. 
Joy’s orgasm seemed to trigger Maryann’s and the bed shook in
sexual bliss.  Then they wanted to fuck us from behind and the
game started anew.  By morning I was exhausted, and completely
fucked out; thank God these double dates always happened on a
weekend.  My honey hole was sore, and yet I was so utterly
satisfied.  This was just the beginning of our double date games
with Maryann and Jen, and the sheer raw passion we shared.

Joy also introduced me to the black beautician I haven’t written
about yet, and I was much taken by her charm, poise, and
beautiful appearance.  I will call her Gee.

Gee was in her early thirties, and a very successful beautician.
It was astonishing to me that Gee knew about Shonda and me and
had long wanted to meet me.  There was something in her eyes that
just captured me.  Gee was taller than I was by a little bit, and
had massive boobs and a very round butt, but was in great
condition with strong legs and a beautifully tapering waist.  The
boobs were long cylindrical monsters and I felt sorry for her
having to tote those around and did not envy her one bit for
them.  Her butt rolled nicely when she walked though, and it was
clear that she had a long to very long crack and that the crack
was very deep.  Curiously, though I was much taken by this woman,
neither of us ever made a pass at each other.

What Gee was to Joy and a number of other girls, including me
after I was introduced to her, was a mentor figure.  Gee was
someone really good to talk to.  She was an out black lesbian in
the most established black neighborhood in the city, and that was
something not seen everyday.  She was also someone you wanted to
meet if you wanted all of your pubic hair, butt hairs and leg
hairs removed completely and permanently.  Several of us had this
done, and I have never regretted it for a minute.

But it was far more than sex, double dating, or any playtime
stuff, for Joy and me.  It was an incredibly complete
relationship we shared; she was my lover, help mate, friend,
“husband”, partner, and school mate companion, shopping partner,
go-see-a-movie partner, dance partner, and all around best buddy.
 I was the same for her.  But the sex was more than just good, it
was mind bending.

But it was the double dates, and where Joy and I played “husband
and wife” games where the passion was greatest.  I was Joy’s
complete slut.  I had watched her pee on my boobs in the shower
as I kneeled before her, and had seen her push out her long ropes
of poo.  I had wiped her butt afterwards, and didn’t mind doing
it, in spite of the awful stink.  Whether it was licking the
sweat off her body after exercise (she has such a beautiful
body), and that included licking her butt crack before she had a
shower [she had showered beforehand], and then how she kissed me
so fully on the mouth and how she licked my face after I did that
was simply incredible, or letting her fuck me with the strap-on,
I was the “wife” of a completely tuned in lesbian.  I would wear
dresses and skirts often and in our room Joy would tip me up and
just fuck me like an animal from behind.  She almost always
licked my honey well and butt before doing me, sometimes before I
had a shower even.

We explored all manner of possibilities, pushed the edges, but
Joy was always respectful of me, she never tried to humiliate me,
and I was respectful and decent to her too.  We saw our limits,
and fit like hand in glove.

For a decade later, well after getting married even, I kicked
myself hard for not sticking with Joy and going lesbian full
time.  I clicked with Joy.  But something made me want to return
to Shonda, who was more than glad to have me back.  I did not
regret going back with Shonda, but I did at the same time…that is
until I married and had my children.  If I had stuck with Joy, I
would not have had them, or at least not these children.  So it
worked out, sort of.

The Post-Funeral Time:

But now, everything was up in the air.  Well, Joy stuck around
helping in ways that made a big difference, she made no “play”
for me, just letting me settle affairs and get back up off the
floor.

My children have known “Ms. Joy” for several years now and like
her very much, and my oldest is hung up on Joy’s son who is one
year older than she is.  For years, I didn’t know that Joy had
had a child.  But what a handsome little man he is, Hispanic
through and through, like Joy, yet not so much new world Mexican,
as old world Spanish.  He is already fluent in three languages,
English, French, and of course, Spanish.  Smart as a whip that
is!

The in-laws that were so helpful at first can become a pain in
the butt after awhile.  There’s the inevitable question, “Are you
going to re-marry?”

It was hard to cope with that.  Aside from Mary, which was a sort
of annual get-away, I had a hit-and-miss sort of “affair” with my
husband’s cousin, whom I haven’t introduced, nor written about
yet.  She is far more of a “buddy,” a pal to go shopping with,
and friend to go dancing with, or someone to take in a movie
with, than a lover.  We played now and then, and it was quite
good make no mistake about it, but we weren’t serious by any
means.  We get along very well, but we just aren’t lovers in any
full time sense.  I had no woman to fall back on, Gee and I
hadn’t seen each other since I got married, and Gee was vocal in
her disapproval of me getting married in such a way that I was
mad at her for a long time after that.

But the absolute worst had to be the “friendly Henry’s” that
started stopping by at work to “talk” to me.  Christ, they were
like circling vultures.

I had noticed a feeling returning from my younger years after
coming out lesbian, but before meeting the man who became my
husband.  It is the feeling of dread that there was a guy
“waiting” for me to come along.  I didn’t want a guy back then,
and hardly needed one, at that time.  I met my husband-to-be at
the university and we already knew each other from high school. 
He was a project partner of mine, and I was all alone, between
lovers and getting older at the house.

What a great guy.  I don’t know fully why but I just clicked with
him.  He was so nice.  One thing led to another, and maybe I was
just looking for new kicks, or maybe I was scared about being
alone, but we just sort of grew together, and though my friends
were aghast, I never lost touch with them completely.  We were
all getting older and growing beyond the university, and had to
go out in the world.  I didn’t want to go alone, and at first
didn’t want to go out there with a guy either.

But I did.  We got married, and it seemed to work for us, but I
had the lesbian bug bothering me and finally told him all about
it.  He got all excited, and horny!  Good grief, I had created a
monster.  After that I became like the woman in the Arabian
Nights, telling him stories of passion and desire from lesbian
land.  The kids came along, and I was able to split time between
them and work very well as we had good in-laws and my husband was
only rarely a “couch potato.”

I fell into a rut of life.  We both did and would have been
content to be Mr. and Mrs. Flatlander from Fly-over country,
U.S.A. for ever and ever, but that was over now, and the idea of
letting some other guy into my life was almost nauseating to
think about.

But Joy was there.  I don’t know how it started up again, but
somehow we ended up in the sack and let me tell you it was hot,
hot, and hot!  I hadn’t wanted to get under the covers with Joy,
but it happened anyway after a dinner on the town, where I got a
bit tipsy.  Work seemed more crushing, time consuming, and the
guys circling made it a living hell for me.  The night out
sounded like a good idea.  It was, but by the morning I knew that
the lesbian bug was never going to leave me alone.

Joy confessed to me about her inability to find a steady, stable
long-term lover, and how a string of short-term affairs fizzled
out due to the time she had to put into her legal practice, and
work in the LGBT movement.  Her son was the light of her life and
she was leery of some women being around him.

I confessed to Joy about how my lesbian feelings were eating me
alive and had been for years.  I hadn’t left my husband because I
had no reason at all to do so.  He was alright and patient about
the whole issue aside from being endlessly turned on by it.

But the question that every widow asks herself popped up for me,
“What are you going to do now?”

Without my husband, I saw how the job was devouring me.  Without
my husband, I still had the kids and twice as much to do it
seemed.  I had to get away, but had big responsibilities too.  I
wanted more for my children than what Flatland U.S.A. had to
offer.  I wanted a new job, and new home not filled with the
memories that made me sad because I missed my husband. I wanted
to be honest with myself about my lesbianism.  I wanted to a
chance to start over again.

Jesus, I fell for Joy again!  It started at that dinner that
ended in the sack.  We talked, and discussed, and palavered, and
talked some more, and it was sounding better and better all the
time.  “Come out west, and quit wasting time here, you are just
beating yourself to death here!”  “With your qualifications!-Good
God you could have job is less than a week out there, I mean I
can guarantee that you will have at least three offers to choose
from that make what you earn now look like minimum wage!”  Those
thoughts rattled around in my head, but it was, “you and I could
be together, like we were meant to be back then.  C’mon, you know
it’s true.  We had a thing going that was really real.  Let’s
start over, grab the kids, pack up the stuff, sell this place and
I think you could sell it quickly, and come out to California and
live with me.” that grabbed me.

There was the kid’s issue.  The answer, “You ought to see the
schools we have out there, the program I have _______ in is
really good, and there is more to do there than here by quite a
bit.”

There was the issue of not wanting to be “kept.”  The answer,
“Say what?  You have seen the place, it’s huge!  How will you be
“kept” if you are working?  We share a home, and life like we
were meant to I think, but never got the real chance to do.”

The banter went on back and forth like that for quite awhile and
I was falling more and more for Joy.

“What about being a lesbian couple with children?” I asked.

“There are four lesbian couples with children within a two mile
radius of the house.” Joy replied and then went on to explain
that in the entire school district there had to be at least a
dozen lesbian couples with one or more children in the schools,
and that there was no trouble whatsoever.

But the capper was when Joy brought an offer from a company in
Sausalito, not all that terribly far from her place, looking for
a director of marketing with all of the qualifications that I
had!  The money was incredible!  The job sounded demanding but
workable.  I applied at once, and sent my resume’, and to my
amazement, they replied in short order asking when I could get
there!

I filed notice at work, and put the old house up for sale, and
began singing “California here I come!”

I sold the house almost immediately and for the price I asked.

The boss was hysterical and offered more money, a promotion, and
all manner of incentives but he couldn’t touch the offer from the
company in Sausalito.

My parents and the in-laws were at once supportive yet worried
they wouldn’t see the children anymore and I reassured everyone
that the children would be coming pretty regularly, and I would
too.

But the moment of truth came with the kids.  My oldest asked “Is
this going to be a two mommies sort of thing?”  The tone of her
voice was suspicious and apprehensive too.  That rocked me back
some!

Everyone was looking at me.  Joy, her son, my daughter and son,
all were looking at me.  It was the moment of truth.  I raised my
head up from what I was doing, scared out of my wits, and
replied, “Yes dear, it is.”  It was like a tremendous weight had
come off from my shoulders!  I had been fully honest.

She then asked, “Do we get to live with Ms. Joy?”

I replied, “Yes, we do.”  My daughter smiled from ear to ear.

My son asked, “Does it snow a lot and get real cold there?”

Joy answered, coming over by me, putting an arm around my waist
and standing right beside me answered, “No, it is nice there all
the time almost though it rains now and then.  But we can go to
the mountains and see lots of snow during the winter and go
skiing if you would like.

“Skiing, in the mountains?  For real?  Is it true mom?  I
replied, “Yes it is.”

Joy’s son was taking it all in.  “What do you think _______?”  I
asked him.

He came over and hugged both Joy and me and that started a big
group hug.

“And, you can learn Spanish too.” Joy’s son added, looking at my
oldest.

There were many questions and many answers that day.

The Present:

What a glorious place this is!  The weather is pleasant and quite
warm, but oh my, is it nice, if a might wet in the winter.  It
can rain here.

The job in Sausalito is fantastic though I have to travel some,
but not a lot.  As director I send others off.

Life in Marin County is great, if expensive.  The neighbors are
pretty nice though some distance away and there really are other
lesbian couples with children in close proximity to the house and
a number of other kids too.

There is lots of room for the kids to play and run around on. 
The house is outsized huge, and you can really play hide and seek
in this house by golly!

Traffic going into Sausalito and over the bridge to San Francisco
is horrendous!  Incredible!  But my little hybrid which is very
P.C. and “Green” here, as well as typical, and is up to the task.
 I hear Ford will have a plug and go super hybrid and Chevy will
have a full high power electric by 2010 and I am looking forward
to that as gas prices are scary here.

Joy is incredible to live with, easy going, neat, and rarely
grouchy except during the time of the month.  Though we “bark” a
little now and then as any two people will, and cannot share the
main kitchen at all, [but there are two complete kitchens in this
place], we get along very, very well in that regard.   We click
well, and I think I am going to be in this one for a long, long
time.  Joy has this sort of almost “manic” nervous energy that
she has to burn off, it’s a problem some times, but out here
there are many ways to get rid of this energy build-up.  Much of
it is burned off in her work which takes up a lot of her time,
she is a busy lawyer.

I am still the group “psychologist,” but it isn’t so bad.  Toya
and Linda, as well as Jen and Maryann are frequent visitors, and
Val stops by with her brood now and then, she’s gotten a bit big,
but those kids love her and she is really nice with a nice
husband too.  I am surprised that so many of our old friends live
out here.  But, it is more lesbian tolerant here, and warmer than
say lesbian tolerant New York.  Things don’t get too wild very
often as Jen and Maryann both have a child apiece.  We are a
bunch of moms.  “Old Maid moms” as one local puts it.

Sex is good, just as thorough, and almost as crazy, but we both
have matured.  We don’t double date noisily as we did in the
past, and Moe and Jen often stay in the guest house.   We don’t
need to see each other poop anymore, but I have watched a couple
of times, just for old time’s sake, and it doesn’t do anything
for me anymore.  I’m still as big a butt nut as I ever was, and
so is Joy, and I still like the squat-over-the-face routine. 
Joy’s body is so beautiful.  I am the “wife” in this adventure,
and this odd butch-femme-like “husband-wife” thing is very
agreeable to me.

I am slim, but feminine and have enough of a chest and curve to
turn an eye, and yes there is still a dance in this old girl yet.
 But I have the love of my life and an inner comfort and peace
that I haven’t felt since college.

I am a lesbian.  I was born that way I think.  I have lived with
a man and bore his children happily, and miss him a lot-he was a
good man, but I was never truly at inner peace with myself until
now.

My parents were uneasy until they saw this place that Joy and I
share.  Now, it seems better between us and less confrontational
by quite a bit.  The in-laws are not much trouble, and never
really were until after the funeral.  They see the kids regularly
and don’t say much to my face anyway as they too are amazed by
the house and property.  Joy’s Aunt Luisa and Uncle Jose’ both
live here at the carriage house, [yes, we have a carriage house
too], and Jose’ seems quite happy to spend his days working
around this “rancho” as he calls it.  He is retired, on a pension
and is doing well.  Luisa has taken a shine to me, and is happily
teaching my children Spanish and a little religion too.  She’s
very nice, and more understanding and more knowledgeable of Joy’s
situation and our relationship than I thought at first.

Joy also runs off energy I mentioned earlier by hobby farming on
the property and we are never short on tomatoes, corn, okra, and
beans.  The kids love this, and have gotten the green thumb bug
too.  I have taken up a bit serious gardening as well; there is
plenty of room for that here.

Will I continue writing sexy stories for ASSTR?  I think so, but
they will be more fictional and less biographical.  Until later,
and I hope to see you soon.


The End…or the new beginning?

Hi, this is Donna Z.  I hope you like my latest biographical
piece.
Remember, lesbian sexuality is something to be enjoyed, and
reveled in.  Men can never understand the emotions and feelings
we share.  Do it often, do it regularly, but always treat each
other well and avoid dangerous or nasty actions that will ruin a
perfectly good relationship.  See you soon.

Update:  In this story I was going to develope a story line
between Gee and Joy and myself, and I posted the original
unedited story by mistake.  However, due to the autobiographical
nature of this story and the confession that it is, I decided to
drop the fictional embellishments and simply make Gee the mentor
for a group of young lesbians, which she really was.  So, I
pulled the story and reposted the present version which is more
accurate and honest.  I admit to being very sore at Gee, and have
never quite forgiven her for her cruel words when she learned I
was marrying a man.  But all of that is in the past now.  I am
with Joy and loving it.  And Gee is Gee, and she has her world.

If there was any confusion on the part of readers I regret this.


Look forward to posting a "Dani and Darla" type story real soon.

xoxoxoxo and lots of hugs,
Donna Z.

PS, Enjoy lesbianism and bisexuality!  Safe, effective fun for
women since day one!

As I