A message to all those under the legal age to view
pornography in your countr/state - Go Away.
You won't find too much sex in this story I'm afraid - sorry,
sorry, sorry - this is more of a humor story, and the concentration will
be on oral sex - but there will be some ordinary sex, I promise.
If you like this story you can sing my praises by writing to -
dimitri_resides@yahoo.com
If you hate this story you can damn my soul by writing to -
dimitri_resides@yahoo.com
If you feel apathetic, you can offer constructive criticism or
ideas to -
dimitri_resides@yahoo.com
I hope you enjoy the story, I hope it makes you laugh - my advice
is to imagine the way the actors themselves would say or do things - it'll
probably make it better.
Why not check out one of the following sites, which contain
my and/or other Author's stories. Please take note that these are
NOT my websites, I'm just an Author.
01 : http://www.dimitrisarchive.com/ - JayDee's site, includes all my
stories, other authors and Showtime.
02 : http://www.asstr.org or ftp://asstr.org/pub/Authors/Dimitri - The
Alt Sex Stories Text Repository, the most constantly up to date collection
of my stories, because I update this directory!
03 : http://www.giffer.com - excellent, 100% free, lots of areas,
special area for my stories.
04 : http://www.GreyArchive.com (The Grey Archive, very popular, well
put together site with several of my stories).
05 : http://fanfiction.majorhost.com/index.html - Rogues Erotica,
constantly updating site with something for everyone.
06 : http://members.tripod.com/~sneal_ The X-Men Erotica Archive -
features My Marvel Comics series.
07 : http://www.angelfire.com/tx/TvArcive/ - Age Of Onslaught &
Star trek : Original Series story available here.
08 : http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/2506/foepage/ JamF's
FOEpage, features the GenX parts of my Marvel : Herald Of
Armageddon story and X-Files : Grandmaster, with images included.
09 : http://booyani.majorhost.com - Dedicated to the perversion
of your favorite videogame, comic book and anime characters since
1/1/2000.
Seinfeld - The Blowjob.
"You're telling me, that a supermodel hit on you?" said George,
shaking his head in disbelief,"How do you do that?"
"I didn't say she was a supermodel," said Jerry, he was holding a
rolled up newspaper"But the option was certainly available to her."
"You're telling me that you were hit on by a woman who is so
beautiful, she can choose whether or not she wants to be a supermodel or
not!" cried out George,"Great, just great - why I can't have such luck is
beyond me."
"Just listen," cried Jerry,"Is that so much to ask that you listen?"
"Oh, I can listen pal - I'm the king of the listeners. If they held
a competition for best listener I wouldn't even enter - because I'm so
assured of victory, it would ruin it for everyone else."
"You can sure talk for a listener."
"Haha, wiseguy."
The buzzer went of, Jerry walked over to it and held down the
button,"Yeah?"
"It's me," came Elaine's voice.
"Come on up," he buzzed her in and opened the door.
"So anyway," he continued,"She walks up to me on the street and
says to me 'Could you do me a favor and hold this paper for just a second,
I'd be really grateful."
"Hang on," interrupted George,"How did she say 'really grateful'?"
"It was kind of a deep throaty 'promise of things to come' 'really
grateful'"
"You're sure, she didn't have the flu?"
"No she didn't have the flu, now listen."
"I'm listening!"
"So I say 'no problem' and she walks inside the building, and I'm
waiting, thinking about the great sex I could possibly be having......."
"Now see, I never do that, thinking about get's you all hyped up
and you're bound to be disappointed in the end."
"What are you talking about? Fantasy doesn't build you up."
"It build's you up!"
"Just shut up and listen!" Jerry cried out.
"I'm listening!"
"So I'm waiting like five minutes......"
"Five minutes?"
"Five minutes, how long would you wait?"
"Well it depends on the person, but a woman as beautiful as
that......at least till Christmas."
"Christmas?"
"Hey, for sex with a beautiful woman I think she at least deserves
until Christmas."
"You're pathetic."
"Finish your story," said George,"I do have a date tonight you
know."
"You love telling people that don't you?"
"You wanna tell the story or not?"
"Okay then, so I'm getting impatient and I look through the glass,
and I see her hugging this guy!"
"What? she asked you to hold her paper, told you she'd be 'grateful'
and now she's hugging another guy?"
"Exactly, she's a temptress!" exclaimed Jerry,"I think she does it
for thrills, leaves guy's hanging around outside in the cold for hours on
end....."
"Five minutes."
"Okay, five minutes - hours on end, what's the difference?"
"I said that to my first girlfriend, believe me, it makes a
difference."
"But can you believe it? She's in there hugging another guy."
"So what did you do?"
"I left."
"And the paper?"
Jerry smiled and held up the paper in his hand,"She'll have to
buy a new paper for holding me up, my time is money!"
"What, a nickel a minute?"
"You're a real understanding guy you know that?"
Elaine stepped into the apartment, she slammed the door shut and
stared at George and Jerry fiercely.
"Wow, aren't you a little Xena Warrior Princess here?" joked Jerry.
"You know, that Lucy Lawless is really attractive, I would like to
go out with her." mused George
"Are you kidding, you couldn't get Lucy Lawless," said Jerry.
"Why couldn't I get Lucy Lawless?"
"She's way too tall for you."
"You think?"
"I know."
Elaine shook her head and cried out,"Shut up, I have something to
say here!"
"Tell George," said Jerry with a smile,"He's a great listener."
George smiled,"At least I don't steal papers from supermodels."
"Supposed super......."
"You wouldn't believe what happened to me last night," Elaine cut
in.
"Huh? what?" asked Jerry.
"You know that guy Alex I've been seeing, tall, handsome
intelligent."
"Yeah, he's a nice guy," said George.
"He's scum!" said Elaine, staring George in the eye.
"Scum?"
"Scum."
"I wouldn't say anything Georgey boy,"said Jerry,"When she gets
back with him she'll hate you for anything you say against him."
Elaine shook her head,"Not this freak, you know what he told me
last night."
"Yes, yes I do," said Jerry,"I'm a mind reader you see........"
Elaine shoved past him and sat next to George on the couch,"We
were in my apartment and I had invited him up for coffee....."
"Coffee?" asked George,"Coffee?.......or Cof-fee?"
"Cof-fee."
"I want to make sure, you asked him up to have sex with you right?"
"Yes George," she said,"I wanted to bump hips."
"Charming," said Jerry,"Didn't you graduate first in you class at
Lady's finishing school."
"Lookit comedian," she said, grabbing Jerry by the collar,"One more
funny remark and I'll rip your tongue out - you never use it for it's right
purpose anyway."
"What's that supposed to mean," said Jerry.
"Listen and you might find out."
"See," said George,"I would kick your ass in a listening
competition."
Elaine glared at him,"So we're making out on the couch, and he
pulls away and says to me,'Are you like me, do you love foreplay?' and I
think 'Thank God, maybe I'll get an orgasm for once.'
"So what did you say?"
"I said,'Sure I love it,' and I sit forward to kiss him, but he
stands up and takes off his pants, and there it is, sitting right in front
of me."
"His soldier?"
"Yeah, but this wasn't a soldier, this was a green beret, I'm
talking special forces here, and I say,'What do you want me to do with
that?' and he says,'You know Lainee, I want a blowjob."
"Just like that," cried out George,"Just like that he says I want
a blowjob!?!"
"Yeah, and I just stare at him, thinking he's joking, but he
says,"Come on Lainee, let's get going, it's cold in here."
"Did you?" asked George, Elaine smacked lightly over the head.
"No I didn't, I said to him,'What if I say no?' and he says,'Then
no sex."
"Idiot," said Jerry,"You can't threaten to withhold sex from a
woman, it's crazy."
"What'd you say then?" asked George.
"I said to him,'And if I do that for you, will you do something for
me?,' and he says,'What?' like's he's really confused and I say,'Give me
one.'"
"So what did he do?"
"He said no, and I told him he'd have to leave, but he said he was
glad to go, he thought I was sick - I'll tell you I wanted to decap his
soldier!"
Jerry and George winced.
"So," said Elaine,"Have either of you ever?"
"No," they said at the same time.
"Why not?"
"Well, that's where your soldier is going," said Jerry,"When you
send your man into the field he'll get covered in your own saliva, it's
like licking your........."
George shuddered,"Ewww."
"But would you expect a woman to give you a blowjob?"
"Yeah, I don't see why not," Jerry replied.
"Well, isn't that like me licking my own.......?"
"Nothing wrong with that," said George,"Nothing whatsoever."
"You two have such a double standard, are all men like this?"
"Pretty much yeah," said Jerry.
"Have either of you ever had a blowjob?"
Jerry and George looked at each other and sighed,"No."
"Ha," laughed Elaine.
Kramer rocketed into the room, he slipped the door shut and walked
over to the fridge, he pulled out a banana and peeled it, he noticed Elaine
staring at him.
"Want some?" he asked, holding out the banana to her.
"Oohh!" she cried out, throwing her arms in the air,"Is that all
men think of?"
"What?" cried Kramer,"A guy can't offer a girl a banana?"
"Kramer, have you ever had a blowjob?" asked Jerry.
Kramer smiled,"Oh yeah."
"And did you give the woman one in return?" asked Elaine.
"Of course," said Kramer,"I'm not an animal."
Elaine beamed triumphantly at Jerry and George,"See."
"But don't you feel........like..your kind of licking
your own.......you know?"
"What, banana?" said Kramer with a grin,"No I don't feel like that,
besides, most of your saliva is washed away by the female orgasm."
"What are you talking about?"
"You know, the juices get flowing......" he waved his
arms around,"Things get moving....."
Elaine smiled,"There's hope for your lot yet."
George looked at his watch,"I better get going, or I'll be late
for my date tonight."
"Oh you got a date?" asked Kramer.
"Yes I have a date," said George,"Does that surprise you?"
"Well frankly yes," said Kramer, biting into the banana,"You strike
me as more of a Friday night at home with your parents kind of guy."
"No that was in high school and college," said Jerry smiling.
-
Later on Jerry, Elaine and Kramer sat in the restaurant, they
were chatting about the movie they had just seen - Necropolis.
"That was a great movie," said Jerry, he slapped the paper he held
in his hand against the table,"The reviews in this rag are all wrong."
"I hated it," said Elaine,"That bit where Michael Douglas cut's
Charlie Sheen's rope when they're climbing the mountain, then swings down
and catches him was a load of crap."
"Are you kidding," said Jerry,"That was great."
"Michael Douglas must be over 50, how could he catch and support
Charlie Sheen?"
"How did you like it Kramer?" asked Jerry,"Kramer?"
"Wow," said Kramer,"Look at that beautiful woman over there with
that guy."
Jerry looked back and then slumped down in his seat,"Oh my God."
"What," said Elaine,"What's wrong?"
"That's the woman whose paper I stole!"
-
George kissed Sheryl passionately, he put his best effort in and
she seemed to respond to it, he pulled away and grinned at her,"You like
that?"
"I like that a lot," she whispered.
"There's a lot more where that came from." he said, he sounded
confident but inside he was thinking,'Should I ask her into the bedroom,
oh God, what if she yells at me, oh God oh God, I asked her up for coffee
but does she think I meant coffee or cof-fee........'
"George," she said,"I think we should move things into
the bedroom."
"If you want to," he said,"I don't want to pressure you, you
know I'm happy with things as they are," inside he was screaming,'Yes, yes,
yes!"
But her face dropped,"You don't want to have sex with me?"
'Idiot! idiot! his inner critic screamed, it had returned from an
early retirement from exhaustion to yell at him,"Of course I do," he
said,"Are you kidding, you're a beautiful woman with a great body, but I
want you to know that as great as that would be, I can live with this if
you want it to go no further."
She seemed to think about it and he thought,'That was my best line
ever, please, take the bait, take the bait.'
"George, I want to take things to the next level."
'Reel her in baby,' he thought ecstatically.
-
"Just slip past her," said Jerry,"Listen to their conversation,
he might be her brother?"
"I'm not going to do it," said Elaine,"You had your chance with
this woman and you blew it."
"I'll do it," said Kramer, he slipped on some sunglasses and made
to stand up.
"You can't do it," said Jerry,"I've seen you try to be silent and
subtle, it's pathetic."
"What?" said Kramer,"I can be silent like the night."
"You're about as silent as Newman in a potato chip factory," Jerry
said,"I'll take a chance," he stood up, picking up the paper and walked
towards the table with the woman and man at it, then he put a look of
surprise on his face.
"Look at that," said Elaine,"It's pathetic, simply pathetic."
"Yeah," said Kramer,"I could have done a much better job."
-
"Hi!" said Jerry,"Remember me?"
"Oh it's you!" said the woman,"We were never introduced - I'm
Marlene and this is my brother Martin."
"Oh," said Jerry,"Your brother? Hi," he put out his hand to
Martin,"I'm Jerry Seinfeld."
"I know," he said,"I've seen you on the Tonight Show and
Letterman."
"Hey," said Marlene,"What happened to you the other day?"
"Oh right," said Jerry,"Didn't you see the hit and run?"
"Hit and run? no."
"Right after you went in this guy got hit by a car, he was in real
pain, I called out for someone to call an ambulance but no one listened,
you know what New Yorkers are like."
"Yeah, it's terrible," said Marlene,"So what happened?"
"Well my car was parked around the corner so I drove round and
picked him up, then took him to the hospital."
"Oh you're so brave, did you get there in time?"
Jerry just grinned,"I was faster than a speeding bullet."
-
George stood in front of Sheryl, she was completely naked and lay
on the bed, legs spread,"Take me George," she said.
George was about to go to work, then Elaine's voice came into his
mind,'You men have such a double standard.'
"You know, there's something I'd like to do for you first."
"Hmmm? what."
-
"So I felt guilty about rushing of with the paper, it's not much,
but you can take this evening one of mine."
"I'm grateful Jerry," she said,"But that paper had a number written
on it about a modeling job?"
"You're a model."
"It was my first job, but it would have paid a lot."
"I still have the paper in my apartment, I could go get it, it's
just across the street."
"I'll come with you," she said,"You don't mind?"
"No, no of course not."
Marlene turned and kissed Martin on the cheek,"I'll see you
tomorrow."
"Seeya sis," he said.
Jerry and Marlene walked past Kramer and Elaine, Kramer looked at
them,"Where are you two going?"
"Just up to my apartment," Jerry said with a smile, he and Marlene
walked out.
Elaine stared at Kramer,"Can you believe that?"
-
George licked and probed, Sheryl moaned and gasped in pleasure,
she reached down and pressed his face down against her vagina. George
rubbed his nose around as he tried to turn his face for breath and she
squealed in pleasure.
"George," she gasped,"You're fantastic."
George smiled and bit lightly on her clitoris, maybe this wasn't
such a bad idea after all.
-
"Okay Alan, I'll be there Wednesday at 9am, thanks."
Marlene turned and smiled at Jerry,"Thanks for letting me use your
phone, you're a life saver, how can I repay you?"
"I'll think of a way," said Jerry.
"I can think of one right now," she said, she placed her arms
around his neck and pulled him to her, she kissed him lightly on the
lips,"You'll love this."
She lowered herself to her knees and unzipped his fly, she slipped
his half erect cock out and licked it lightly, then she took the entire
thing in her mouth and began to deep throat him.
-
Sheryl came, her juice flowed around George's mouth and down her
thighs, he sat up and she smiled at him,"I am so lucky to have met you,"
she said grinning.
"So," he said, smiling,"Do you have a little something for me?"
"I sure do," she said,"Come over here."
He moved over to the bed and she sat up, she kissed him, her tongue
snaking deep down his throat, then she lay back and spread her legs,"Fuck me
George."
'What!' his mind screamed,'Fuck me? fuck me? what about my blowjob?
-
Marlene's tongue bobbed up and down on Jerry's shaft, his breath
began to come faster and faster now and she abruptly stopped, she removed
her mouth from his cock and smiled,"Gotta save that cum for the best sex
you'll ever have."
Elaine's voice flooded through Jerry's mind,'You men have such a
double standard."
"There's something I'd like to do for you first," he said.
"What?" she asked, confused.
"How about," he said, making his voice sound generous,"I give you
a blowjob?"
She stared at him, then she said,"Are you crazy? That's sick, when
you fuck me it'll be like you're licking your own cock!" she yelled out,
she stood up and stormed to the door, she opened the door, startling
Kramer, who was about to walk in.
"He's sick!" she yelled out,"He wanted to give ME a blowjob!"
"Oh there there," said Kramer, putting an arm around Marlene's
shoulder, he winked at Jerry,"Tell Kramer all about it," he led her into
his apartment.
-
"I can't believe it, said Jerry, sitting in the restaurant"I got
a fantastic blowjob and ruined sex by offering to give her a one, I'm so
stupid."
"Well I don't know about you," said Kramer,"But I feel great, that
Marlene is dynamite in bed."
"Thank you very much Don Juan DeMarco," said Jerry,"Here's George,
hey Georgie, how was the date?"
George sat down and looked at them with a glum expression,"We had
sex."
"So? how was it?" said Elaine.
"It was the greatest sex I ever had," said George in a dejected
tone,"She said I was the best lover she had ever had."
"That's great," cried Elaine,"But she can't have had
much experience."
"Haha," he said,"The thing is though, I gave her oral sex, but then
she gave me nothing but sex - I feel so cheap."
"Congragulation Georgie Porgie," said Elaine, a satisfied smile on
her face,"Today you are a woman."
End.