"An only child alone and wild," -Dan Fogelberg ********** I'll just start writing and however things come out....I will leave it at that.... Some of us have experiences, or knowledge of events, that we would rather not talk about and keep buried away in the recesses of our 'other lives'. A few of you may not understand what the term 'other lives' means right now, but there are things I keep tucked away, personal, that no one outside my Mother and Father know about. I do not share this knowledge with anyone else. In fact I am specifically instructed not too, and I am okay with that, I understand now. "Why do we have to travel so far to to see Grandmother and Grandfather?" I used to often ask when much younger. "That's just the way it is, and that is the way it has to stay." My dad once told me when I was ten years old. It was me, my mom, and my father at the kitchen table as they began to explain some things to me in more detail. No this was not a talk about the birds and the bees, but something much different. My family history was to be off limits to people, "Over time you will understand." Father did the best that any parent could, by slowly telling and showing me some of my family history. This also prepared me for what was coming down the road in school. However, with such knowledge came some unusual reactions on my part, like I had to reframe from bursting out in laughter at some of what is being taught as 'history' these days. I would painfully pinch myself or clear my throat several times just to keep myself in-check. The talk with my parents helped....somewhat, but that can only go so far because then friendships and relationship were getting more complex. Sharon for example rarely asked questions about my family and when I brushed off the subject with 'I have a small family' she thankfully left it alone. That is one of the reasons Sharon and I work as friends, she didn't push things, and was fiercely protective of our friendship so I felt I could trust her, but still it took a very long time before I could totally confide in her. Sharon may be a cheerleader but she is no dummy, she knew I was hiding something, but like I said she left things alone. Isn't that mean of me? To feel the need to clarify that she is no dummy just because she is a cheerleader. Now with Dale in the picture I was really struggling with the future, he was wanting his parents to meet my parents, but I decided to just let Mom and Dad figure out the details on that one, they seemed to have all the answers anyway. Nikki was another problem all together, she sent my whole world spinning sideways and I was now convinced I was bi-sexual. My parents are very traditional, well, not traditional as you Americans think of the word. It's hard to explain, I'll try maybe later. ********* "So, you and that Nikki-Girl are getting to be good friends huh?" Just as I feared, Sharon already had an attitude before even meeting her. "That 'Nikki-Girl' Sharon? What kind of statement is that?" I sighed. "Don't get defensive, I didn't mean anything by it." Sharon then reached over to rub my forearm soothingly. Looks and sounds innocent enough right? No way, I know how girls like Sharon operate, a cutting remark followed up with a innocent 'act' of no harm intended. But I can tell when Sharon means harm. "Well, we're hanging out and doing stuff, ever since I started with Soccer." "And how's that going?" "That?" I said getting irritated, "If you mean 'that' as in my 'Soccer', then 'that' is going very well." "Settle down Ms. Grumpy! I am serious, again, why so defensive?" Sharon gave me her fake, soft doe-eyed look of concern. I can't continue down this road with her right now, I knew Sharon's manipulative agenda and if blew-up at her she would just act like I was the one 'losing it' and she might even start to cry and all that junk. Therefore I must engage in the long honored tradition of girly talk that I loath. Putting on my acting 'hat' so to speak. "I'm sorry, it's just so much crap with Dale and sports. I didn't mean to get angry." I shrugged and lowered my head a little, you notice I left Nikki out of the equation for now. Sharon immediately ate-up this confession and sprang into action as I knew she would. "What's going on, you and Dale okay? Tell me what's wrong?" She was standing and then moving behind me where she began to massage my shoulders and neck, like she sometimes does. Sharon loves this, giving me advice, loving it when I lean on her for support. Sharon was really in my corner where Dale was concerned, although she would tease that if Dale and I ever broke up she would snap him up in a heartbeat. But my biggest concern was Nikki, my only hope was to butter Sharon up before they met, and that meeting is inevitable. I could count on Nik to be cordial and likable, but Sharon? Hell no, no way, no how, she is always plotting, planning, scheming. So what's my problem? Why do I keep her around as a friend? I don't know. Some weird odd-couple thing. Sharon is always defending my sour attitude, blasting people that say anything bad about me, always wanting to buy me stuff and take me out shopping. I can't afford much, so maybe I am some charity case that Sharon has taken on? Sharon's family has mega-wealth coming out of their ears, very nauseating. I once had to sit and listen to Sharon brow-beat her Dad that the brand new Acura he gave her was unacceptable, that she wanted a convertible BMW because it was safer (Sharon logic). To which her Dad made the clever response, "If you want safer maybe a Volvo is the car for you." To which I laughed, this only spurned Sharon into one of her childish fits, waiving her arms up and down that we should not 'Joke' about such things and he was being 'horrible' to even suggest such a car. ********** I had just dropped my bag on the floor, plopped down on the edge of my bed when I started to agonize over things, again. I still couldn't make heads or tales of what was happening with Nik (I call her Nik sometimes if you haven't noticed) Just the right place, right time, right-uhmm....whatever? I placed my fists on either side of my head to keep my thoughts from going out of control, as if that would alone would control my mind from drifting. I didn't budge, I was determined to sit there and think of a word, I needed a word, just a single word that could help me make sense of everything. My parents were always so disciplined and instilled those same values, I will not fail! It took awhile, and I got very agitated at one point because I had the word...right....on....the....tip....of....my....AAGGGHHH! .....Why can't I just say it! 'Compartmentalizing'! That's it! WHEW! Big sigh of relief. Now just a quick check to make sure I was right; This process is performed in an attempt to simplify things, and to defend against anxiety. The principle that 'compartmentalizing experiences... prevents conflict stemming from the incompatibility of the two polarized aspects of self or other'. Often, 'when the individual is confronted with the contradictions in behavior, thought, or affect, he/she regards the differences with bland denial or indifference'. Psychiatrist Robin Skynner suggests the 'simplicity.... of splitting everything into neat compartments of "good" and "bad" does several things for us, all of which make us feel better. First, it helps us feel part of a "good" group - that's comforting. Second, we can relax our usual standards of correct behavior for a bit.... And third, we can let off steam, that is, get rid of our own "bad" feelings on to the "baddies"'. That is it! Exactly what I do, or needed to do! And I didn't even have to sit down in front of therapist to figure this out, I just self- diagnosed my own problem! Genius! Pure Genius on my part! Hmmm, hold a second, it also says I have 'contradictions in behavior'. Yeah, I can accept that for now. "My God" cradling my aching head into my hands, reality was setting in again 'I am betraying the man I love and no amount of fancy jargon or rationalizing will alter that fact.' There it is, the true source of my anxiety and pain....no matter what I say or think Dale can never find out what is going on, nor could Nikki's boyfriend Rob. But 'never' is a long time and something I don't control. More secrets....will it ever end? I laid back on my bed and thought, 'I will make this work. Dale and I were meant to be together.' I told myself over and over. I loved this man and admitting that to myself felt simply right and pure. Somehow I can see this thru and whatever is going on with Nikki I can surely make it thru that as well, true I fail to be strong and resilient when around her but I am sure there is a way to get 'back on track'. Can Nikki and I go back to just being friends? Is that even possible? Have I destroyed a friendship by allowing physical temptation to go too far? Why is it my responsibility to fix it! I was exhausted and closed my eyes, all I could do was put off the inevitable by 'Compartmentalizing' everything. ********* Dale and I entered the crowded, noisy bar, and I instantly felt the muscles along my back tighten, because socially I still felt like I was about to have a nervous breakdown. For the longest time I felt like I was inadequate for not being able to exchange in what I deemed 'meaningless conversation', regardless of my dating status. There was also the annoying simmering jealousy of some girls to contend with, many would fume over the fact I was getting so much attention, and that I acted distant and stuck up. On one occasion a girl got mouthy with me, telling me to 'not interrupt her when she was talking' well I just responded with my usual graceful style; "Stuff your bitchy attitude or I'll stuff my fist down your throat!" and I pushed my knuckles under her chin so hard her teeth clicked. Her face became pale and a look of horror told me I had put her in her place, but Dale was embarrassed by my reaction and we had a bit of an 'argument' over how I over- reacted to things sometimes. Regardless of all of these annoyances I had an ulterior motive tonight, I knew Nikki was going to be here and this would be 'the test' since I made so many resolutions the night before. A nervousness grew in the pit of my stomach as I searched thru the many heads of people swarming about. Dale and I navigated toward a group of friends as I kept looking around for any of my soccer buddies and then my heart raced for a couple of seconds 'There she is!' and I stole a glance in Nikki's direction again. My legs went weak as that immediate feeling of attraction shook my senses, I wanted to do irrational things immediately. 'You can do this' I thought, but was scared of Nikki's reaction to my demands that we end all physical contact, not that she would be mad, but that she just would fall apart, hell I don't know, maybe she would be relieved! Perhaps she was going thru the same anxieties as me! Somehow I made a polite exit from Dale's attention so I could finally move closer to her and she saw me coming. Steady....calm....so far so good....my will is strong. Nik made a quick exit from the guys she was talking with and my right arm went up as her left arm reached for me in a hug, we embraced and tried to find an isolated part of the bar to talk. "I've missed you." She sighed and all my worries seemed to float away with her touch and the aroma of her perfume and hair. No wait! Wrong physical response! I still had the urge to keep my arm wrapped around her shoulder and hold her close, but we were being watched, well maybe not, but we still had to be careful. Nobody knew about us yet, I think, God I hope not! I needed to end this before anyone was the wiser! "I've missed you." I sighed. Oh drat! Wrong verbal response you dolt! I could tell Nikki was pretty buzzed from the glassy look in her eyes, I stayed secluded with Nikki as long as I dare, besides Dale was having a blast and not at all paying attention to the time. I could sense it from her, Nikki aching for more physical contact, she was talking very close to me, her lips touching my ear and cheek when she would speak to me. I took a gulp of my beer and blinked back some tears as I wrapped my left arm around her waist and pulled her closer, my will power was crumbling so damn fast. I started to pray no one was connecting the dots, petrified that we were being too forward, even in this crowded bar. "I want to kiss you." She moaned into my ear and I about gasped as she ground her crotch against my thigh, and because my back was against the wall she had discretely moved her right hand around and grabbed my butt with her hand. My breathing went heavy and I went for more of my beer now, I wanted to cry openly when I turned to look in her eyes and melted under her intense, dark stare. I watched her tongue move along her lips and I licked mine in response, but now was not the time or place. I leaned in and kissed her right cheek which faced the wall, extending my tongue just enough to taste her skin, "I want to kiss you more than anything." I said into her ear. There was a physical pain shooting thru my body as we forced ourselves to pull away, Nikki eyes glistened with tears as she pulled away from me knowing we had to control ourselves. Our clandestine romance had officially begun, and all of my resolutions were destroyed in seconds. We held hands painfully tight as we just looked into the other's eyes. "Why don't you join us?" a voice interjected and I quickly looked away to wipe a tear from my cheek. It was John, he played on the Men's Soccer team and quickly scurried about collecting some extra chairs for Nikki and I. A sense of relief washed over me, a welcome distraction! But I had barely sat down within the circle of friends when this annoying voice piped up..... "Careful, the brute might sock you if you get too close." "What? Was that directed at me?" I stood up nervously and looked around. "Duh!" A girl said and slipped thru two of the guys, making a goofy dumb expression at me, meant obviously to mock me. It was Tiffany and she was pissed at having Nikki and I show up, basically manipulating every guy's attention away from her and her friends. Allow me to introduce Tiffany! She has fake blonde hair, tans too much, and is about as the exact opposite of me in every way, oh and to top things off my parents almost called me Tiffany when I was born, is that not some odd twist of fate? And of course she spent a long and loud campaign proclaiming her never ending love for Dale and that he should dump me and date her. "Put a cork in it." One guy said in reference to Tiffany's insult. "You put a cork in it, what do you guys see in this muscle head jock anyway?" She said while giving me a scowl up and down. I took a step forward but Nikki's left hand gripped my right wrist with a gentle squeeze, I stopped, checking my state of mind realizing that I was about to deck the girl. "Come 'on! What are you waiting for, do we need to step outside?" Tiffany said with the best disdain and disgust she could muster. Sure I was taller and probably stronger then this girl, but she seemed determined to make a stand. I guess in her mind she had her own pride to look out for even if it meant getting the crap beat out of her, and then again, maybe she could take care of herself? I swallowed hard as Nikki gripped my right hand but I decided to remain standing, I had swallowed some pride but felt that it would look 'cowardly' to sit down, at least in my own mind it did. "Tiffany what the hell is your problem?" John griped, thankfully that was all the distraction needed, Tiffany then turned her venom on John as the two argued, but that died down too as Tiffany's friends managed to calm her down. I started to nurse my drink a little and actually accepted another, even relaxing enough to play a round of darts. ********** Something that I really enjoy is taking care of myself, and making myself look pretty and smell really nice for Dale, and Nikki. I actually really enjoy the process even if I wasn't dating anyone. Taking a bubble batch, shaving, the whole process of feeling and looking beautiful. Tonight was just one such chance. I had a date with Dale and was excited that be spending time with my boyfriend. I stepped out of the bath and reached for a towel. The subtle scent of peach radiated everywhere, it almost seeped from every pore as I patted myself dry. I was accustomed to the stares of most men I met, and always fancied they really liked women the way nature made them, hint, hint....no plastic surgery. I had the inclination that my life could be filled with a lot of male and female lovers, but I was very selective. I decided it was better to keep myself for a man who would treat me not anything less then I desired, not only for his own pleasures. Strange such thoughts of men as I now find myself totally involved with another woman. I considered my relationship with Nikki to be of equal value to my dating Dale. Nikki knew I was dating Dale, of course, but Dale did not know about Nikki was my lover, for that matter, nobody did. And you kind readers know all of this, of course, since you have been paying close attention to my every word. I now sat on the closed commode and stroked the cream rinse over the skin between my thighs and then over my toned belly. Gently kneading my muscles. The growing hair was beginning to itch, and I wanted to stay smooth. I trimmed to the edges of the small strip of blonde, close cropped curls that pointed the way to my sex, and then spread my thighs wide as I concentrated on the satiny smooth lips. After completing the practiced series of short careful strokes with the razor, I washed away the residue with a cloth and relished the sensations the soft terrycloth towel imparted. The final act of my cleansing ritual was the application of the almond scented lotion to every inch of my skin. This ritual was an excuse for the self-pleasure that eased the tensions of the day. I finished my arms and shoulders, and began caressing the rich, white liquid into my breasts. I watched the dark brown nipples rise at the touch of my open palms, and remembered the rougher skin of Dale hands. My hands slipped down to cup and massage the undersides, and then circled each as far as my hands would reach. Squeezing gently, I allowed my slippery breasts to ooze between grasping fingers until I was lightly pinching my nipples between thumb and forefinger. A slight rolling motion and a gentle tug made me catch my breath. Again, I cupped the soft, yielding globes before squeezing them through my hands, and when I closed my eyes it gave way to my imagination, but those thoughts now focused on my lover Nikki. I used both hands to circle my toned calves and rubbed the lotion into the smooth skin. I paid careful attention to my knees before beginning on the velvet surface of my thighs. I was extremely proud that her thighs were tight with the fitness years of sports and exercise. My fingertips swept the length of the sensuous separation of my womanly lips and then dipped between them to the soft, swelling wetness that circled my passage. My head went back as I stroked and then gasped when I brushed the side of the hood that cloaked the center of my sexual being. I brought my other hand to my breast and began to tease the firm nub of the nipple. The fingertips between my thighs began to circle the growing little bud, and ripples of pleasure surfed the contours of my belly. As my fingers fluttered over my slippery lips and swollen button, I writhed in the rapid ascent to climax, and suddenly, with a tiny cry, the shuddering explosion shook me from head to toe. I continued to caress myself until the coursing waves subsided, and then capped the lotion bottle. A quick rinse removed the scent of passion from my fingers, and I turned out the light. I was now ready to dress into something sexy for 'my man'.