**********


It's gym day!

I was sitting on my workout bench (well it's not mine, but you 
know what I mean) when I observe the three stooges in the corner 
of the weight room and they are all high five's to each other, being 
loud and very gay. Well they are actually tying to act macho and 
such, but it really comes off as being gay, so fella's tone down the 
bravado, it's not impressing anyone. Anyway I see them stacking 
the weights on the bar as one of the stooges positions himself 
under the bar, his spotter is now standing behind him, okay 
nothing unusual about that, except his spotter starts with that 
obnoxious "COME ON....PUSH!....ONE MORE!...." I hear the 
weights shaking and clanging on the bar as 'lard ass' tries to do a 
few more beyond what he should. Well he finally completes his 
squat and rests the bar on one of the 'safety arms' and steps back, 
now all three morons look pleased with themselves (more 
laughter, back slapping and loudness ensues). And then, I'm 
actually smiling as I write this, justice is served, it actually happens 
a lot when mother nature steps in to dish out some humility. I 
notice the guys are piling on more plates and I raise an eyebrow 
because I suspect dumb-ass is getting ready to try something he's 
not ready for. They even start to draw some attention from some 
other dopes at this point because 'Mr. Pretend Weightlifter' loudly 
announces that they have 495lbs on the bar.

I am now hedging my bets, this is not going to go well.

So his spotter is psyching him up for the squat as the guy positions 
himself under the bar, a lot of grunting and huffing begins to spew 
from his face, not to mention the guy looks about ready to pass 
out. He gets the bar off the rack, he is really on his own now 
because his spotter looks deathly thin so I'm not sure why he's 
even pretending to spot. So he goes down for the squat (I know 
this isn't funny, because it can be very dangerous) but the dude 
isn't coming back up. Well....well....well! What have we here? I 
couldn't help but smirk after he got the bar off his shoulders (They 
were at least smart enough to put another safety arm further 
down, so if you go down and can't get back up, you can just roll it 
off your shoulders). 

Now wait a second, the stooges are not so loud now, where are all 
the high fives and loud big-man-talk? Hmmm, could it be you just 
let your ego take you down a path you weren't ready to handle? 
And did the whole gym just see it? Why yes we did!

Look people, sometimes you have to leave well enough alone.


**********


Sharon and I headed off to Duke University that fall, each excited, 
yet for very different reasons. The Collage campus unnerved me a 
bit, okay a lot. But Sharon was constantly trying to get involved in 
new things and thrived on the bustle of activity. On a positive side 
it wasn't difficult to make friends, I was inundated by other people 
who were just as nervous and eager as I was, but my primary 
focus was on studying and I nixed the offers to attend several 
'social activities' for the first few weeks. You like that term 'social 
activities'? A sophisticated way of saying, let's go to this party and 
get shit-faced. I was appalled at the number of Freshman that 
seemed determined to piss away their academic opportunities right 
into some kind of probation because they lacked self control.


**********


"This is going to be so great, you're first big college bash!" Sharon 
said, walking with her right arm looped around my left having 
finally coaxed me into attending some party. But my internal 
anxiety meter was off the chart as we approached the Fraternity 
House; It was a big, loud party and everyone seemed to know 
everyone else. Maybe I can find a corner to disappear into, no I 
must think positive! But now I am missing Erik terribly and am 
sad by such a sudden admission.

While my demeanor was distant and quiet, it would seem my 
solid, muscular definition from years of gymnastics, track and 
weight lifting was drawing a lot of attention from the male 
populace, even under my baggy, crap attire. Yeah okay, my looks 
and long blonde hair helped some too....so....whatever!

"Hey, what's up!" Claire came bursting thru a huddled group of 
people to greet us. Claire was an energetic girl, standing about 5'5" 
with short multicolored hair which had a mix of blonde, brown 
and black. Even with all of that, she was pretty with piercing light 
green eyes and a nice athletic build. She was also on my 
Gymnastic's Team, so right away I knew I had to make an effort 
to be cordial toward her, even is she is a complete dope fiend!  

"Hi Claire." I forced a smile.

"Check it out!" Claire said and then stuck her tongue out at both of 
Sharon and I, a shiny round tongue stud protruded proudly. 

"Holy Shit" Sharon laughed and leaned in to take a closer look, 
but Sharon always took stuff like that in stride nothing seemed to 
faze her. I on the other hand gawked with my eyes bugged out as I 
leaned forward, like I was watching a car wreck unfold.

"Why did you do that?" I asked in horror. Claire recoiled her 
tongue while placing her hands on her hips looking at me as if I 
was clueless, "Why do you think?" Claire shook her head and 
smiled.

"You were bored? Pure shock value?" I sighed. Sharon just 
smirked at my smart ass reply.

"Ha-ha, ho-ho, ha-ha....Come'on, take a guess smarty pants!" 

"I just did." I cocked my left eyebrow showing my impatience with 
this guessing game.

"You really don't know?" Claire looked at me with bewilderment. 
I reached up with my right hand and ran my fingers thru my 
blonde hair with frustration several times, shaking my head 'no'.

"Oh she's serious alright, she has no clue." Sharon said.

"Well...." Claire turned back to me, a pleasurable sneer forming 
on her face as she began, "....besides as you like to say for the 
'shock value', there are certain oral benefits to it."

My face went blank and probably my 'gross out face' was 
beginning to form, "Stop right there I don't want to know." I 
raised my right hand signaling Claire not to proceed any further 
with an explanation, I was starting to get the idea.

Claire then stepped in closer "Here, you want to touch it?" and 
then stuck her tongue out, rolling it back and forth in the air 
playfully, my own mouth parted in shock and I leaned as far back 
as I could without actually falling back.

"No! Get away! My god."

Sharon and Claire were every amused by my reaction, well good 
for them. Are there any normal people at this party?

Also I was not at all accustomed to this forward type of behavior, 
totally different from the guys in High School. A lot of the guys 
were shocked I was drinking water, often pressuring me into 
something more alcoholic to try and loosen me up some, maybe 
get me to act a little more uninhibited and flirty. Unfortunately 
when your one of the only sober people in a party full of 'drunks' 
things can feel a bit on the obnoxious side. Several times I found 
myself having to lean away from guys that must be 'close talkers', 
or probably trying to put 'the moves' on me.

By now my nerves were getting fairly rattled, like the way you get 
annoyed when some train rattles past your house over-and-over 
again. Or you're on the verge of a deep sleep only to have the 
phone ring and wake you up, that's how I felt. I have never 
experienced anything like this; 
'Where are the parents?'
'Where are the School Administrators to make sure things don't 
get out of hand!'
'How could so much responsibility be placed into the hands of 
these drunks!'

I'm getting very annoyed! 
There must be order and control! 
I HAVE TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! 

What happened next would go down in the Duke University 
History books, at least Fraternity history books.

'It' didn't initially register with me, but I suddenly felt the palm of 
someone's hand come to rest on my right hip. I looked down and 
tensed, unsure of what was happening as I felt the warm touch 
track around to the front of my belly; "Are you sure I can't get you 
something else to drink?" His voice floated into my left ear canal 
in such a casual manner that I half way thought I should have 
expected it. But the way this guy was pulling me in close against 
the front of his body set off my 'personal-space' alarms instead. 

"What the fuck!" I spat as my left arm shot up and then quickly 
retracted. At this point I wasn't even thinking, but reacting, and 
not in the most logical manner possible. My elbow drove down 
with all of my strength, when I looked over my shoulder he was 
falling backward, knocking into and down, several other people 
behind him as he clutched his gut.

"Oh shit!" Was the only tangible words he could muster, the rest 
was an incoherent babble of moaning curses as he writhed on the 
floor, his arms cradling his torso. Wow I must have hit the bulls-
eye. Inquires were quickly made as to why I would react in such a 
harsh way, but apparently few-to-none thought it was the most 
appropriate reaction. 'Uh-oh' so now I detect a few glares of detest 
from some of the guys and girls around me, 'Time to leave the 
party!' I think, maybe I was just hearing things, but I thought I 
caught a comment or two with reference to me being a 'simple-
minded thug' or descriptions that essentially equated to such, yet I 
held my head up high and started my fast track back to the dorm.

A part of me was thankful because I felt a sense of relief when I 
got back to my room and sat down on the edge of my bed. I 
glanced around, my eyes drifting casually from the chair, to the 
desk, and the window, observing how the soft, yellowish glow 
from my desk lamp gave the room a warm, cozy quality. "Oh 
well." I mumbled at the realization that I was 17 years old, in 
College and still as big of a social misfit as ever, at least that's how 
I see myself. I thought about home and my bedroom and how I 
longed to be back there, my small family gave me 
comfort....sigh....more on that later.

I gave a lingering stare to the door, the knob turned and Sharon 
stepped into the room with such a somber tone that I expected 
some news of 'death' to come out of her mouth. I just hung my 
head low as she sat down next to me, surprisingly she put her arm 
around my shoulder, no lectures were given. Sharon simply 
reached over and grabbed my hairbrush and began to slowly brush 
my hair, as she would so attentively do sometimes, it was so 
soothing. I questioned if the whole incident even occurred.


**********


So Steve, the recipient of my 'gentle' elbow nudge, was initially 
infuriated but that lasted for maybe another twenty-four hours or 
so when I guess an odd sense of respect and attraction must have 
taken hold of him. He then actually tried asking me out on a date, 
I declined of course. 

Meanwhile Sharon continued to take to school life like a bird to 
the air, she was successfully pledging her Sorority and was now on 
the Duke Cheerleading Squad. While Sharon appreciated my 
support of her 'Social Activities' she also knew that I thought it 
was all 'superficial' for the most part as I thought Sororities and 
Fraternities were stupid and childish. 

Unfortunately that incident at the Frat House was just 'the icing 
on the cake' for most people. My exterior aloofness led people to 
believe I was arrogant, uncaring, and in some cases even hostile.  
How could anyone have this perception of me? What the hell is 
wrong with you people! All of you obviously need a good knuckle 
sandwich if that is what you think! I'm really so lovable and sweet! 

Seriously that 'perception' wasn't so hard to come by because 
when you turn down enough invitations as I did, people simply 
stop making offers. So okay, that's fine, go ahead and ostracize 
me, I wasn't going to any more parties anyway! So nah-nah-nah! 

I don't need friends (big fat lie but I can pretend), I don't need 
parties (now this is true), or going to bars and all that crap! I was 
determined to focus only on sports, studying and sleeping, that 
was it. Besides I like things to be simple in my life, no 
complications. I still had my friends from High School, and of 
course there was Sharon, bless her heart, she did her best to help 
whenever confronted with; 
'What is Corbin's problem?' 
'Why is she so distant?'
'Is Corbin really that stuck up?'
'She kind of scares me, does she really have a bad temper?'

Sharon would half-heatedly reply 'No it just takes time to get to 
know her.' 

Bless her soul, she never tired of trying to pull me into her growing 
circle of friends, but I just kept pulling away. I don't think I am 
some cold hearted beast that pushes people away out of spite, 
maybe it sounds that way, maybe I come across that way, or....or 
I don't even know what to say right now. 

And believe it or not I am human and affected by all of these 
expectations which I rail against, it all came tumbling down one 
night when I literally unraveled. I got up from my desk and sat 
down next to Sharon on her bed, and in an embarrassing display 
of emotion I began to weep, then full blown cry, telling her 'I was 
sorry' for being such a difficult friend while 'You make so many 
efforts on my behalf.' Sharon I think liked this kind of emotional 
display on my part, she enjoyed 'mothering' me. I couldn't 
breakdown like this in front of my parents, they expect me to be so 
strong, it all goes back to my family's rigid rules and background 
which I can't go into right now.

"Don't be so upset," Sharon actually began to cry as well, "I 
shouldn't try and push you into doing things you don't want to." 
Yes indeed it was a nice girly blubber fest as we sat there talking 
late into the night.


*********


The days after I emotionally unloaded on Sharon I felt so relieved, 
even optimistic about things, with an overall happy attitude once I 
had let the flood gates open. Crying is good for the soul, I rarely 
do it, but when I do you better grab a mop and bucket.

Calm....peace....tranquility....I felt 'at one' with myself now and 
I'm not even sure what that means, but its that moment when you 
feel 'at ease' with yourself and maybe about life in general. 

I had little time to really contemplate or enjoy how I was feeling 
when things went 'sideways' in my life yet again.

"Hi, I'm Dale." I hear the voice from above as I sat on the 
workout bench. I was trying to mind my own business while 
staring idly at the floor in between my curling reps. I was actually 
in the middle of entertaining myself as I watched the sweat drip 
from the ends of my hair (I told you people I am easily distracted 
by simple things).
 
'Damn it' I almost mumbled aloud preparing yet again to tell 
some guy to get lost, but my mouth and brain went into quiet 
mode, for when I glanced up I saw this guy looking down at me 
with such a sincere smile. 'Wow he has that Matthew 
McConaughey look going on, holy smokes!' Suddenly I wanted to 
get to know this guy, instead of my standard reply of 'Get lost!'
 
"I've seen you around and wanted to know, do you want to go out 
sometime, like on a date?"

Why was I hesitating, not sure, but I finally forced my mouth to 
move and speak, "Uh sure." I mumbled, or something ridiculous 
because while very pleasing on the eyes (okay he was damn-
fucking-hot)! I was also doing another analysis;
-Dale seemed to stand about 6'3" (Taller then me...Check!)
-Was in incredible shape (Check!)
-He seemed smart and funny! (Check!) 

Sweet! He made my preliminary 'check list', he can now move 
onto the finalist round. What a relief, I've met a lot of guys that 
had 'the looks' but none of the 'the passion', just an empty shell. It 
wasn't all fun, the competition on this campus was fierce, but I 
have too much self respect to ever compete for any man. Oddly 
enough that 'aloof' attitude of mine seemed to spurn Dale on even 
further, as he pursued me relentlessly. The less interested I acted 
(which I am very good at) the more he chased me. How odd, I 
guess I had learned to play the dating game without even realizing 
it.

The biggest downside to Dale? He played on The Duke Football 
Team....
Lord have mercy, I hate Football! Sooooooo boring!
And he was a member of a Fraternity, this is just horrible!

Yeah I know, my life is such a terrible tragedy someone warm up 
the violins for a sad melody.


**********


"Soccer?" Sharon repeated dumbfounded, "What about 
gymnastics? Where the fuck did Soccer come from?" she asked 
with concern, "So just like that they are going to let you be on the 
team? And what about your gymnastics!"

"In case you haven't noticed the past few years have been a lot 
tougher then you realize Sharon, I've grown taller and filled out. 
It's hard on my body and joints to perform all of those routines, I 
just can't keep up with those freaky little girls flipping and flying 
thru the air. I've become a burden to the team in so many words."

"We'll your just naturally muscular, maybe if you went on a strict 
diet to get thinner, did you think about that? Don't know what to 
say about your height, don't know how to make you shrink." 
Sharon spoke a-matter-of-factly as I watched her fork stab into the 
salad with new renewed irritation. Sharon was afraid she was 
loosing influence over me I suspect. She didn't like it when I went 
off and made major decisions without consulting her.

"A strict diet!" I almost spit my food out of my mouth, "I'm like 
five-foot-eleven as it is Sharon! I'm an Amazon compared to those 
girl's. Anyway I'm not going to torture myself with diets, it just 
won't work and as for getting on the Soccer Team, I'll have to wait 
for tryouts."

I could already tell Sharon had moved on to other topics, she was 
eating her salad in silence now with a 'knowing' smirk on her 
mouth.

"Okay, what now?" I sighed, I knew she was baiting me into 
something.

"So, tell me the juicy stuff about Dale, because my God he is 'the 
catch' on Campus."

"Huh? He's the what?" I blurted out with my usual clueless 
expression. See what I mean, I have no idea what she is talking 
about, 'The Catch?' what does that even mean? Drama just seems 
to gravitate to me and I have no idea what I have gotten myself 
into.

"He is a really big deal on the Football Team, really Corbin, you 
don't know?" Sharon looked up at me.

"No, I don't really care about that stuff." I shrugged, "He seems 
really nice and we've been on a couple of dates." I kind of made 
that face of mine, like 'whatever'. I then felt a soft touch on my 
wrist from Sharon's right hand, it caught me off guard and I 
tensed for a second but then felt the muscles along my neck and 
back relax when I saw that disarmingly warm and gentle smile she 
sometimes gives me.

"Is he nice to you? And respectful? That's most important Corbin. 
I just want you to be happy." Sharon smiled again and my heart 
melted causing me to get all teary eyed. I really was liking Dale 
tremendously but I was too much of a big oaf, or goof, to know 
how to do all the lady-like things that he might like.

"Thank you Sharon," I felt my cheeks tremble and attacked my 
lunch again as a distraction, "I just might need your advice on 
some things."

"Anytime." Sharon sighed and rubbed my forearm before going 
back to her own lunch.

Dating Erik back in High School seemed easy all of the sudden. I 
felt in over my head now; Parties, studying, sports, socializing, 
bars, clubs, sororities, fraternities, dorms, finding an apartment 
with Sharon....my future....my future with Dale....everyone's 
future...

I miss Mom and Dad and the warm blanket of security they 
cloaked around me.


**********


"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential 
is invisible to the eye."

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery