********** It's gym day! I was sitting on my workout bench (well it's not mine, but you know what I mean) when I observe the three stooges in the corner of the weight room and they are all high five's to each other, being loud and very gay. Well they are actually tying to act macho and such, but it really comes off as being gay, so fella's tone down the bravado, it's not impressing anyone. Anyway I see them stacking the weights on the bar as one of the stooges positions himself under the bar, his spotter is now standing behind him, okay nothing unusual about that, except his spotter starts with that obnoxious "COME ON....PUSH!....ONE MORE!...." I hear the weights shaking and clanging on the bar as 'lard ass' tries to do a few more beyond what he should. Well he finally completes his squat and rests the bar on one of the 'safety arms' and steps back, now all three morons look pleased with themselves (more laughter, back slapping and loudness ensues). And then, I'm actually smiling as I write this, justice is served, it actually happens a lot when mother nature steps in to dish out some humility. I notice the guys are piling on more plates and I raise an eyebrow because I suspect dumb-ass is getting ready to try something he's not ready for. They even start to draw some attention from some other dopes at this point because 'Mr. Pretend Weightlifter' loudly announces that they have 495lbs on the bar. I am now hedging my bets, this is not going to go well. So his spotter is psyching him up for the squat as the guy positions himself under the bar, a lot of grunting and huffing begins to spew from his face, not to mention the guy looks about ready to pass out. He gets the bar off the rack, he is really on his own now because his spotter looks deathly thin so I'm not sure why he's even pretending to spot. So he goes down for the squat (I know this isn't funny, because it can be very dangerous) but the dude isn't coming back up. Well....well....well! What have we here? I couldn't help but smirk after he got the bar off his shoulders (They were at least smart enough to put another safety arm further down, so if you go down and can't get back up, you can just roll it off your shoulders). Now wait a second, the stooges are not so loud now, where are all the high fives and loud big-man-talk? Hmmm, could it be you just let your ego take you down a path you weren't ready to handle? And did the whole gym just see it? Why yes we did! Look people, sometimes you have to leave well enough alone. ********** Sharon and I headed off to Duke University that fall, each excited, yet for very different reasons. The Collage campus unnerved me a bit, okay a lot. But Sharon was constantly trying to get involved in new things and thrived on the bustle of activity. On a positive side it wasn't difficult to make friends, I was inundated by other people who were just as nervous and eager as I was, but my primary focus was on studying and I nixed the offers to attend several 'social activities' for the first few weeks. You like that term 'social activities'? A sophisticated way of saying, let's go to this party and get shit-faced. I was appalled at the number of Freshman that seemed determined to piss away their academic opportunities right into some kind of probation because they lacked self control. ********** "This is going to be so great, you're first big college bash!" Sharon said, walking with her right arm looped around my left having finally coaxed me into attending some party. But my internal anxiety meter was off the chart as we approached the Fraternity House; It was a big, loud party and everyone seemed to know everyone else. Maybe I can find a corner to disappear into, no I must think positive! But now I am missing Erik terribly and am sad by such a sudden admission. While my demeanor was distant and quiet, it would seem my solid, muscular definition from years of gymnastics, track and weight lifting was drawing a lot of attention from the male populace, even under my baggy, crap attire. Yeah okay, my looks and long blonde hair helped some too....so....whatever! "Hey, what's up!" Claire came bursting thru a huddled group of people to greet us. Claire was an energetic girl, standing about 5'5" with short multicolored hair which had a mix of blonde, brown and black. Even with all of that, she was pretty with piercing light green eyes and a nice athletic build. She was also on my Gymnastic's Team, so right away I knew I had to make an effort to be cordial toward her, even is she is a complete dope fiend! "Hi Claire." I forced a smile. "Check it out!" Claire said and then stuck her tongue out at both of Sharon and I, a shiny round tongue stud protruded proudly. "Holy Shit" Sharon laughed and leaned in to take a closer look, but Sharon always took stuff like that in stride nothing seemed to faze her. I on the other hand gawked with my eyes bugged out as I leaned forward, like I was watching a car wreck unfold. "Why did you do that?" I asked in horror. Claire recoiled her tongue while placing her hands on her hips looking at me as if I was clueless, "Why do you think?" Claire shook her head and smiled. "You were bored? Pure shock value?" I sighed. Sharon just smirked at my smart ass reply. "Ha-ha, ho-ho, ha-ha....Come'on, take a guess smarty pants!" "I just did." I cocked my left eyebrow showing my impatience with this guessing game. "You really don't know?" Claire looked at me with bewilderment. I reached up with my right hand and ran my fingers thru my blonde hair with frustration several times, shaking my head 'no'. "Oh she's serious alright, she has no clue." Sharon said. "Well...." Claire turned back to me, a pleasurable sneer forming on her face as she began, "....besides as you like to say for the 'shock value', there are certain oral benefits to it." My face went blank and probably my 'gross out face' was beginning to form, "Stop right there I don't want to know." I raised my right hand signaling Claire not to proceed any further with an explanation, I was starting to get the idea. Claire then stepped in closer "Here, you want to touch it?" and then stuck her tongue out, rolling it back and forth in the air playfully, my own mouth parted in shock and I leaned as far back as I could without actually falling back. "No! Get away! My god." Sharon and Claire were every amused by my reaction, well good for them. Are there any normal people at this party? Also I was not at all accustomed to this forward type of behavior, totally different from the guys in High School. A lot of the guys were shocked I was drinking water, often pressuring me into something more alcoholic to try and loosen me up some, maybe get me to act a little more uninhibited and flirty. Unfortunately when your one of the only sober people in a party full of 'drunks' things can feel a bit on the obnoxious side. Several times I found myself having to lean away from guys that must be 'close talkers', or probably trying to put 'the moves' on me. By now my nerves were getting fairly rattled, like the way you get annoyed when some train rattles past your house over-and-over again. Or you're on the verge of a deep sleep only to have the phone ring and wake you up, that's how I felt. I have never experienced anything like this; 'Where are the parents?' 'Where are the School Administrators to make sure things don't get out of hand!' 'How could so much responsibility be placed into the hands of these drunks!' I'm getting very annoyed! There must be order and control! I HAVE TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! What happened next would go down in the Duke University History books, at least Fraternity history books. 'It' didn't initially register with me, but I suddenly felt the palm of someone's hand come to rest on my right hip. I looked down and tensed, unsure of what was happening as I felt the warm touch track around to the front of my belly; "Are you sure I can't get you something else to drink?" His voice floated into my left ear canal in such a casual manner that I half way thought I should have expected it. But the way this guy was pulling me in close against the front of his body set off my 'personal-space' alarms instead. "What the fuck!" I spat as my left arm shot up and then quickly retracted. At this point I wasn't even thinking, but reacting, and not in the most logical manner possible. My elbow drove down with all of my strength, when I looked over my shoulder he was falling backward, knocking into and down, several other people behind him as he clutched his gut. "Oh shit!" Was the only tangible words he could muster, the rest was an incoherent babble of moaning curses as he writhed on the floor, his arms cradling his torso. Wow I must have hit the bulls- eye. Inquires were quickly made as to why I would react in such a harsh way, but apparently few-to-none thought it was the most appropriate reaction. 'Uh-oh' so now I detect a few glares of detest from some of the guys and girls around me, 'Time to leave the party!' I think, maybe I was just hearing things, but I thought I caught a comment or two with reference to me being a 'simple- minded thug' or descriptions that essentially equated to such, yet I held my head up high and started my fast track back to the dorm. A part of me was thankful because I felt a sense of relief when I got back to my room and sat down on the edge of my bed. I glanced around, my eyes drifting casually from the chair, to the desk, and the window, observing how the soft, yellowish glow from my desk lamp gave the room a warm, cozy quality. "Oh well." I mumbled at the realization that I was 17 years old, in College and still as big of a social misfit as ever, at least that's how I see myself. I thought about home and my bedroom and how I longed to be back there, my small family gave me comfort....sigh....more on that later. I gave a lingering stare to the door, the knob turned and Sharon stepped into the room with such a somber tone that I expected some news of 'death' to come out of her mouth. I just hung my head low as she sat down next to me, surprisingly she put her arm around my shoulder, no lectures were given. Sharon simply reached over and grabbed my hairbrush and began to slowly brush my hair, as she would so attentively do sometimes, it was so soothing. I questioned if the whole incident even occurred. ********** So Steve, the recipient of my 'gentle' elbow nudge, was initially infuriated but that lasted for maybe another twenty-four hours or so when I guess an odd sense of respect and attraction must have taken hold of him. He then actually tried asking me out on a date, I declined of course. Meanwhile Sharon continued to take to school life like a bird to the air, she was successfully pledging her Sorority and was now on the Duke Cheerleading Squad. While Sharon appreciated my support of her 'Social Activities' she also knew that I thought it was all 'superficial' for the most part as I thought Sororities and Fraternities were stupid and childish. Unfortunately that incident at the Frat House was just 'the icing on the cake' for most people. My exterior aloofness led people to believe I was arrogant, uncaring, and in some cases even hostile. How could anyone have this perception of me? What the hell is wrong with you people! All of you obviously need a good knuckle sandwich if that is what you think! I'm really so lovable and sweet! Seriously that 'perception' wasn't so hard to come by because when you turn down enough invitations as I did, people simply stop making offers. So okay, that's fine, go ahead and ostracize me, I wasn't going to any more parties anyway! So nah-nah-nah! I don't need friends (big fat lie but I can pretend), I don't need parties (now this is true), or going to bars and all that crap! I was determined to focus only on sports, studying and sleeping, that was it. Besides I like things to be simple in my life, no complications. I still had my friends from High School, and of course there was Sharon, bless her heart, she did her best to help whenever confronted with; 'What is Corbin's problem?' 'Why is she so distant?' 'Is Corbin really that stuck up?' 'She kind of scares me, does she really have a bad temper?' Sharon would half-heatedly reply 'No it just takes time to get to know her.' Bless her soul, she never tired of trying to pull me into her growing circle of friends, but I just kept pulling away. I don't think I am some cold hearted beast that pushes people away out of spite, maybe it sounds that way, maybe I come across that way, or....or I don't even know what to say right now. And believe it or not I am human and affected by all of these expectations which I rail against, it all came tumbling down one night when I literally unraveled. I got up from my desk and sat down next to Sharon on her bed, and in an embarrassing display of emotion I began to weep, then full blown cry, telling her 'I was sorry' for being such a difficult friend while 'You make so many efforts on my behalf.' Sharon I think liked this kind of emotional display on my part, she enjoyed 'mothering' me. I couldn't breakdown like this in front of my parents, they expect me to be so strong, it all goes back to my family's rigid rules and background which I can't go into right now. "Don't be so upset," Sharon actually began to cry as well, "I shouldn't try and push you into doing things you don't want to." Yes indeed it was a nice girly blubber fest as we sat there talking late into the night. ********* The days after I emotionally unloaded on Sharon I felt so relieved, even optimistic about things, with an overall happy attitude once I had let the flood gates open. Crying is good for the soul, I rarely do it, but when I do you better grab a mop and bucket. Calm....peace....tranquility....I felt 'at one' with myself now and I'm not even sure what that means, but its that moment when you feel 'at ease' with yourself and maybe about life in general. I had little time to really contemplate or enjoy how I was feeling when things went 'sideways' in my life yet again. "Hi, I'm Dale." I hear the voice from above as I sat on the workout bench. I was trying to mind my own business while staring idly at the floor in between my curling reps. I was actually in the middle of entertaining myself as I watched the sweat drip from the ends of my hair (I told you people I am easily distracted by simple things). 'Damn it' I almost mumbled aloud preparing yet again to tell some guy to get lost, but my mouth and brain went into quiet mode, for when I glanced up I saw this guy looking down at me with such a sincere smile. 'Wow he has that Matthew McConaughey look going on, holy smokes!' Suddenly I wanted to get to know this guy, instead of my standard reply of 'Get lost!' "I've seen you around and wanted to know, do you want to go out sometime, like on a date?" Why was I hesitating, not sure, but I finally forced my mouth to move and speak, "Uh sure." I mumbled, or something ridiculous because while very pleasing on the eyes (okay he was damn- fucking-hot)! I was also doing another analysis; -Dale seemed to stand about 6'3" (Taller then me...Check!) -Was in incredible shape (Check!) -He seemed smart and funny! (Check!) Sweet! He made my preliminary 'check list', he can now move onto the finalist round. What a relief, I've met a lot of guys that had 'the looks' but none of the 'the passion', just an empty shell. It wasn't all fun, the competition on this campus was fierce, but I have too much self respect to ever compete for any man. Oddly enough that 'aloof' attitude of mine seemed to spurn Dale on even further, as he pursued me relentlessly. The less interested I acted (which I am very good at) the more he chased me. How odd, I guess I had learned to play the dating game without even realizing it. The biggest downside to Dale? He played on The Duke Football Team.... Lord have mercy, I hate Football! Sooooooo boring! And he was a member of a Fraternity, this is just horrible! Yeah I know, my life is such a terrible tragedy someone warm up the violins for a sad melody. ********** "Soccer?" Sharon repeated dumbfounded, "What about gymnastics? Where the fuck did Soccer come from?" she asked with concern, "So just like that they are going to let you be on the team? And what about your gymnastics!" "In case you haven't noticed the past few years have been a lot tougher then you realize Sharon, I've grown taller and filled out. It's hard on my body and joints to perform all of those routines, I just can't keep up with those freaky little girls flipping and flying thru the air. I've become a burden to the team in so many words." "We'll your just naturally muscular, maybe if you went on a strict diet to get thinner, did you think about that? Don't know what to say about your height, don't know how to make you shrink." Sharon spoke a-matter-of-factly as I watched her fork stab into the salad with new renewed irritation. Sharon was afraid she was loosing influence over me I suspect. She didn't like it when I went off and made major decisions without consulting her. "A strict diet!" I almost spit my food out of my mouth, "I'm like five-foot-eleven as it is Sharon! I'm an Amazon compared to those girl's. Anyway I'm not going to torture myself with diets, it just won't work and as for getting on the Soccer Team, I'll have to wait for tryouts." I could already tell Sharon had moved on to other topics, she was eating her salad in silence now with a 'knowing' smirk on her mouth. "Okay, what now?" I sighed, I knew she was baiting me into something. "So, tell me the juicy stuff about Dale, because my God he is 'the catch' on Campus." "Huh? He's the what?" I blurted out with my usual clueless expression. See what I mean, I have no idea what she is talking about, 'The Catch?' what does that even mean? Drama just seems to gravitate to me and I have no idea what I have gotten myself into. "He is a really big deal on the Football Team, really Corbin, you don't know?" Sharon looked up at me. "No, I don't really care about that stuff." I shrugged, "He seems really nice and we've been on a couple of dates." I kind of made that face of mine, like 'whatever'. I then felt a soft touch on my wrist from Sharon's right hand, it caught me off guard and I tensed for a second but then felt the muscles along my neck and back relax when I saw that disarmingly warm and gentle smile she sometimes gives me. "Is he nice to you? And respectful? That's most important Corbin. I just want you to be happy." Sharon smiled again and my heart melted causing me to get all teary eyed. I really was liking Dale tremendously but I was too much of a big oaf, or goof, to know how to do all the lady-like things that he might like. "Thank you Sharon," I felt my cheeks tremble and attacked my lunch again as a distraction, "I just might need your advice on some things." "Anytime." Sharon sighed and rubbed my forearm before going back to her own lunch. Dating Erik back in High School seemed easy all of the sudden. I felt in over my head now; Parties, studying, sports, socializing, bars, clubs, sororities, fraternities, dorms, finding an apartment with Sharon....my future....my future with Dale....everyone's future... I miss Mom and Dad and the warm blanket of security they cloaked around me. ********** "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery