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"It's the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter."
Marlene Dietrich (1901 - 1992)


**********


I am usually critical of all action films, but enjoyed the Bourne 
Identity. Matt Damon has *IT* you know what I mean, well 
maybe you guys don't understand. Great actor, great action star 
and again he has *IT*. Brad Pitt had *IT* in Fight Club, and 
Troy......yummy! Yeah a girl can like Fight Club, although I know 
it's suppose to be a guy flick.


**********


I was in no mood to answer questions and shut off my cell phone. 
My subconscious was already browbeating me to death; 'You 
dope, you idiot, I can't believe you got into a fight, you're in 
trouble now!' Yeah thanks for telling me something I already 
know! What's the point in having voices in your head if they can't 
tell you things you do not know.

So finally I ended up in front of Sharon's house, we've become 
very tight friends if you haven't noticed so she seemed like the first 
person to turn to, besides the fight was about her. I was actually 
admiring how peaceful it was outside but that serene moment was 
totally disrupted when the front door yanked open, Sharon had 
this spastic 'Oh shit' expression on her face. I see she already 
heard, news spreads fast these days.

I had laid my weary body down on the left side of the bed that 
overlooked an area of the floor where Sharon was sorting thru all 
of her Cheerleading pictures. Lord help me!

"And this one was a picture of where we competed in the State 
Finals, but we only came in second. That really sucked." I didn't 
care that Sharon like to talk about herself, a lot in fact, all I had to 
do was sit and listen. Maybe there is an upside to be found here.

As she sorted thru some other pictures Sharon cleverly segued into 
another more personal question, "So how are things with you and 
Erik." keeping her head down but I could discern a faint smile 
from her mouth. At least she had stopped digging into my family 
life, after a few brief answers on my part, 'My family was very 
small', Sharon let the topic go.

I stretched out on the bed a little, "Yeah, Erik was pretty 
persistent, so I thought I would give him a chance."

Sharon dropped the photo she was holding and looked up at me 
with a raised eyebrow "I knew it, you really do have a swelled 
ego!" Sharon smiled.

"No I don't!" I blushed and smiled back. Just then my cell phone 
went off and I pulled it from my pocket, "Speak of the devil!" I 
muted the ringer and slipped it back in my pocket.

"Your not going to answer?" Sharon looked totally shocked, "I 
wish I had your self control!"

I just shrugged and smiled a little in response.

"What about what happened today, don't you think he heard and 
is worried? You should call him back." Sharon sounded 
concerned, but part of me thinks her nosey side wanted to listen in 
on the conversation, but she had a good point.

"Yeah, true enough." I moaned and fished out the phone and 
called him back, he had left a message, and then I got worried, 
'did we have a date tonight?' Why can't I keep better track of my 
personal time? Erik was always complaining that I don't make 
enough time for him.

"Hey sorry, I'm over Sharon's...." Yep Sharon was right he heard 
what happened and wanted to see me right away. For crying out 
loud, of course I'm okay, I just told you I was! I don't get the odd 
dynamics of dating and was ready to hang up on him because he 
was annoying me with questions. I can be such a MEANIE! But 
in a good way I think.

Sharon is now waving at me and telling me to put Erik on hold, 
"What!" I snap at Sharon as I try to pacify his concerns while 
trying to figure out what Sharon is yapping about.

"What does he want?" Sharon whispered.

"He wants to come by and see me, make sure I'm okay." I'm 
shaking my head 'NO' but Sharon is nodding 'YES'.

"Absolutely, now tell him to come over to my house so he can see 
you!" Sharon said emphatically.

"Fine!" I snap and start waiving my hand at Sharon to BE QUIET 
as she is still yapping in my ear about something, scolding me, or 
something, a personality trait of Sharon's that would come back to 
annoy me for the rest of my life. 
Yap yap yap! Blah blah blah!

"Okay, see you in a little bit." I cover the mouth piece with my 
hand when I say "Love you too." and close the phone, I think I 
was in love with Erik, I did care for him deeply enough to say the 
word 'love'. I thought I had a handle on L-U-V-E (yeah I 
misspelled it on purpose) but what do I know?

"Your such a pain!" I say after I hang up.

"That is so silly, you don't ignore your boyfriend when he is 
worried about you, it's sweet that he is willing to drive all the way 
out here just to see you." Sharon said almost pleading Erik's case.

I groaned as I sat up, "And now I'm going to get grilled for not 
going to see him first this afternoon, more explaining to do." 

"Oh yeah you have such a hard life." Sharon said as she went to 
stand up. Now I know I have said this before, or maybe alluded to 
it, but Sharon was the first friend that I felt like we connected on a 
very intimate level, that we could really talk about anything. I 
have other friends all right, but nothing that compared to the 
emotionally, girly-girl talk that Sharon and I can have at length, 
although she does tend to do most of the talking.

"Whoops, there he is." I say as I watch two headlights come to a 
slow creep up the long driveway. I felt a light shiver of excitement 
run up my spine unexpectedly, I usually have such a strong gauge 
on my emotions and wasn't prepared for this strong physical 
reaction. 

"Look at that big smile on your face." Sharon cracked with an 
amused look.

"Oh quiet!" I felt my face blush a deep shade of red. Okay yes I 
admit, I was all full of gushing, sweet, romantic thoughts and 
feelings when I saw Erik. He stayed for about an hour before 
walking him back to his car, it was so dark, a little warm outside 
and the frogs and crickets chirping around us, 'Oh my gosh' I 
thought as he wrapped me in his arms and I was swooning with 
delight while we stood nose to nose, hugging, pressing the front of 
our bodies against one another. An emotional day topped off by 
an intimate moment in the dark with my boyfriend! Why did it 
take so long for this moment to arrive?

We started to kiss more deeply now, we hugged and then kissed 
again for what felt like several long minutes. His hands reached 
around and grabbed my butt, I really liked that, and I kissed him 
back even harder. Not to be a downer, but why am I always the 
one putting on the brakes? I guess its usually that the girl has to do 
this, but this time I was having a very, very hard time pulling 
away. Thank God we were enveloped in total darkness as our 
making-out was getting very aggressive, his hands were up the 
back of my shirt and tugging at my bra strap. Maybe we should 
climb into his car for more privacy? No wait....stop....I need to 
get things in-check here.

Gheesh that was hard, disengaging from our kiss and hug, he kept 
pulling me back into his arms when I tried to say goodbye and like 
some silly goof I kept letting him. 

"I just want to hold you a little longer." He whispered. 


**********


Suddenly so many things were changing in my life, most of them 
for the better, not that my life prior to this was all that bad,  but 
my Senior year is almost over. Crap! Why so soon? I was just 
getting on a roll, finding my rhythm! And a boyfriend!

Drat! Double Drat!

The following week I made a mental note of how differently I was 
treated when walking thru the school, 'With an air of respect' 
almost, or maybe 'fear'? The fact that I still maintained a quiet and 
distant demeanor only added to my mystique and intimidation 
factor, 'Not that I would ever act on it again' I told myself, but 
having the reputation for someone that can fight definitely was 
having it's perks. Finally, but probably most worth mentioning, 
was my notoriety for attacking the weights in the gym, the 
resulting buildup and toning of my body only reinforced that 
perception as a fit 'tough' girl. 

Stand back everyone as my head begins to swell to tremendous 
proportions!


**********


"Peter, go down stairs and talk some sense into her now!" I could 
hear my Mom upstairs in the kitchen demanding that my Dad 
come and intervene.

"I am not getting involved, it's her decision."

Back down the stairs my Mom comes, angry and huffing. 
Meanwhile Erik and Sharon were pacing up and down, pleading 
for me to reconsider.

"Nope"

"Nope"

"Nope"

"Corbin this makes no sense at all!" says Sharon, "It's all very 
selfish! You are just being stubborn."

"Nope"

"Nope"

"Nope" 

That was my only answer as I sat on the couch, arms folded tight, 
legs crossed with a very stern look as I also shook my head 'No'. I 
had dug in and made my decision.

Erik sat down on the couch next to me and placed his handle 
gently on my knee, "Please, what's wrong, your not even telling us 
why."

"It's a stupid tradition and the answer is....Nope!"

A moments peace finally, I think I have won, they all look 
exhausted and drained from trying to change my mind.

And then, those heavy footsteps from beyond the family room, 
'Dang it! My Dad is coming down stairs.' A very imposing man, 
almost 6' 4" with sandy blonde hair that has begun that turn 
shades of gray. My Mom nodded with satisfaction knowing my 
Dad's presence always had some sway over me, but that was not 
even a sure thing as my Dad took my side more than half the time. 
I shifted a little uneasy as I watched him remove his reading 
glasses and discard them to a nearby end table, almost with 
disdain, he hated the day he had to go to the eye doctor and get 
checked for glasses. 

"All of this is brow beating is just making the matter worse." He 
finally said. Dead silence and I prayed he would send everyone 
away, case closed!

"Well the only thing that is going to make it better is for our 
daughter to change her mind." My Mom looked over at him, then 
at me. But I wouldn't look her in the eye, I was too pissed.

"I told you I can help, you wouldn't have to barely do anything." 
Sharon said almost pleading, but she went quiet when I gave a 
cutting looking of irritation, she then looked away and fidgeted 
with her fingernails until I stopped my glaring.

"Corbin," My Dad let out a exhausted sigh and I had to force my 
head to tilt up just a enough and look into his light blue eyes, this 
was going to be very hard. My Father is a tough but fair man and 
he rarely ever raises his voice at me, in fact he almost always 
supports me in everything I do, always telling me I can do great, 
wonderful things....anything I put my mind too, I can do! 

"On this matter, personally," He continued after a slight pause, "I 
want you to go, okay? It would mean a lot to your Mother and me 
to see you go and enjoy this one night." That slight look he gives 
too, the rare look of disappointment that begins to creep up over 
the shadows of his face and into a few of his wrinkles, "We all 
know you have strong opinions about a great many things, that's 
fine, we stand behind you and support you, and you've made us as 
proud as any parent could be...."

Thats it! I crack! I lose it! Well almost, my hands come up to 
brush the tears from my cheeks as I fight to stay strong. I always 
feel compelled to be strong in front of my Dad. (It's a long story 
and yes more family secrets). "I'll go....fine I'll go."  But I keep 
fighting to keep my composure, what a ridiculously, embarrassing 
display on my part. Sharon, Mom, and Erik are falling all over 
themselves to tend to me, telling me I am making the right 
decision.

So, what was all this drama about? 

Well brace yourself, I emphatically did not want to go to my 
Senior Prom. Yes indeed, all that mess and drama over Prom. I 
can make great grades, read out loud to a large class full of my 
peers, run track, ride mountain bikes, climb trees, swim, lift 
weights, spin and jump around in my gymnastics leotard.... 

But ask me to get all dolled up in a fancy dress, wear high heels, 
makeup, hair salon, go out to a nice dinner and dance for one big 
social night out? Major phobias!

Thank God for Sharon....and Mom, and of course Erik, he was so 
relieved and was doing everything in his power to make sure I had 
a wonderful time. And I did.

Goes to show what I know!


**********


And then it was over, talk about a Kodak moment as the late 
afternoon sun had fired up the sky with brilliant orange and red 
while Sharon and I sat on the school bleachers. Everyone else had 
eagerly fled home, to party, celebrate or whatever. But the two of 
us just sat there, not at all eager to leave, in fact it was the very 
solitude and peace that kept us rooted high up in the stands, 
neither of us speaking a word. I looked out over the football field 
and glanced to the buildings over to my left. "This is it." I sighed 
sadly, "I didn't think I would miss all of this as much as I am 
already starting to." I leaned back and propped my elbows up on 
the row of seats directly behind me while stretching my legs out.

"Yeah." Sharon finally sighed.
 
"You're not going to get all mushy on me are you Sharon?" I 
teasingly smirked.

Sharon's mouth just dropped open in shock as she leaned away, 
"You're so mean to me!" she pouted and then looked away, 
folding her hands in her lap.
 
"I was only kidding, I'm sorry." I leaned over and touched her 
right forearm.
 
"I know..." Sharon looked over with a big smile, "...you're such a 
sucker!" nudging my elbow jokingly.
 
"Yeah, I am." I smiled and leaned back to my resting position on 
the bleacher.
  
"College, I think it's going to be interesting." Sharon sighed to 
which I could only smile.


**********


But all good things must come to an end, Sharon had broken up 
with her boyfriend David, much to his dismay, but I continued to 
date Erik over the summer until I left for Duke. He went up to 
Penn State although he wanted to try the long term relationship 
thing, I wasn't so sure it would work. He was heart broken and I 
was too. Hit me a lot harder then I let on.

How I wish I could put my emotions into words, to poetically 
weave words in a way that could create empathy from you the 
readers on my point of view....

Oh well, I will just say that I was sad, depressed and lonely. Yeah 
that accurately describes what I was feeling when Erik and I went 
off to our different schools. But I hide my emotions pretty well 
around people, even those closest to me. If you've never met 
someone like me then you will never understand, even if you have 
you probably still would have no clue. You see I live in 'Survival 
mode' and that is about the best way I know to describe why I act 
and react the way I do. My parents taught me very well, I may or 
may not reveal more in time to come.

I don't blame my parents for instilling this in me, they mean well 
and I have the common sense to know their good intentions are 
for the best.

I will leave it at that for now. 


**********


"Only God says jump
So I set the time
'Cause if he ever saw it
It was through these eyes of mine
And if he ever suffered
it was me who did his crying"

-Concrete Blonde


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