********** "Guarding yourself From the love of another Left you with nothing tonight Why does it sound like The devil is laughing Leaving me haunted tonight" -Disturbed ********** I am a big dummy. No really. But that's okay because I must maintain my comfort zone or else my brain and nerves get all frazzled and I get angry. For example, guys will bend over backwards to help me do things, carry things, work on homework, pay my way....whatever, take your pick. I give them a nice 'Thank you' and that-is-that. "You could have at least given him a hug! You know him, he is a friend." Sharon would nudge me on the arm when a guy walked away befuddled at my casual wave and a simple 'thanks'. "A hug? What for? If a guy does things for me and then expects physical payment in return, well he can just forget it. I'll hug my boyfriend, my parents, and maybe even you sometimes." I give a sly smile and nudge Sharon back with my elbow, "Hugging is a sign of affection and I don't dish out affection except to special people." I nodded my head at my clear and self-satisfying answer. "You are one tough cookie." Sharon raised her left eyebrow at me, "But don't worry, I'll loosen you up." And she wrapped her left arm around my shoulder, hugging me tight. "Oh great." I sighed. So maybe calling myself a 'big dummy' was harsh, maybe I am just goofy? Or dorky? Or maybe none of the above! Yeah I like that 'None of the above'. They should include that in election choices. ********* No matter how much time went by something was brewing between me and Taylor (or is it Taylor and me? Grammar what a pain! Sheesh!). There was just this vibe she was putting out, that she had a score to settle with me and Sharon (mostly Sharon I think). I was standing in the locker room trying to actually relax as I performed a slight weight shift onto my right leg as I raised my arms above my head, I firmly clasped my left wrist with my right hand before leaning as far to the left as I could, then to my right, stretching and pulling my sore, tight lat muscles. Dropping my arms I slowly rolled my head back and forth trying to work out some of the tension from a physically and mentally exhausting two weeks. Unfortunately Taylor was also present that day, and only a few feet away, having us in the same room together was not a good idea at the time, but I wasn't going to rush along just because of her presence, besides, simple stretching exercises like this can go a long way in reducing one's anxiety, usually. I say 'usually' because I keep catching Taylor glancing over at me, and now I'm sensing something bad is about to come out of her big mouth, something usually always does. From the corner of my left eye I caught her hands almost rip off her shirt and toss it to the ground in a some kind of fit. *Sigh of relief* maybe she is mad at her shirt and not me! :) Also, Taylor had been waging a war of words with various classmates against me and Sharon, saying crap like; 'How could she be friends with that snotty, fucking, bitch!' 'They now hang around each other all the damn time!' 'Pretty soon Corbin will start to act just like the rest of those idiots!' Physically there were some distinctions between our body types; I had that toned almost muscular physique with almost no body fat while Taylor's own stocky build was wrapped in a layer of body fat, not a lot, but enough to soften her look. I guess she enjoyed eating fast-food too much to give it up for the pursuit of that 'ripped' look. Janet suddenly came around the corner and opened up her locker, which was next to Taylor's of course, "Hey that was a good practice game today, yeah?" Janet piped up and I was swept up in a moments relief, would Janet be that needed distraction? A saving moment of grace? Fat chance there! Taylor wasn't listening, she never does. "Yeah." came Taylor's half-hearted mumbling response. I knew it, once her little mind capsized any better judgment simply got drowned by the moment. "You know what Janet, too bad we didn't get to finish off Princess the other day." I knew Janet to be a little more sensible and while she normally took Taylor's side I could tell she was backing down this time. I could really feel the blood flowing at a furious pace into my arteries, my ears were doing that pounding thing as I prayed 'Please god make her shut up, please.' I felt like I was being tested and my hands lowered to my side as I just stood paralyzed, looking straight ahead into that dark locker. Nothing but an empty void staring back at me, no one to help me....no one to intervene now....no one to say who is right or wrong. "You know what, Sharon looked really cute in her...." came the last straw. THAT'S IT! I slammed my locker shut causing both Taylor and Janet to jump with shock. I slowly, with purpose, stepped over the bench that separated us, even my legs seemed to move of their own accord. My left leg found it's footing, then my right, as I now stood only feet away from my antagonist. With every move it seemed that my anguish intensified, my blood just pumped faster thru my heart and I fought to control my breathing, 'Cool down and even things out' I tried to tell myself and it helped. It also felt like I was stepping out of one 'skin' and into another, the old 'Corbin' was still standing back at the locker, calling to me to ignore Taylor's taunts, 'Don't go!' my non-confrontational side cried out. "Shut your fat mouth Taylor and take back what you just said." Not the most intimidating comment but wow what a rush! My whole body felt alive, my chest rising and falling like my very heart might explode, this was unlike any other level of energy I've been able to achieve in sports. But let pause right here and reiterate something....I do not like fighting....I just happen to be very good at it. The walls and everything around me started to fade away, leaving just the two of us, I didn't even see little Janet anymore, all of my focus was on Taylor. "Well why don't you just make me shut up!" Taylor slammed her locker shut and turned to square up her shoulders. 'Nice try' I'm thinking but I can tell she's really scared of this getting out of control. Now how would I know that? I'm no mind reader but her eyes are darting all around, very twitchy and distracted, while I just have this laser-like fixation on her face. I take another step forward, "Why are you pushing me?" Actually a calculated move on my part as I needed to get within striking distance. Something was switching in the back of my brain here, it was like I couldn't wait to start pounding on this girl. This new aggressive side really concerned me, 'Will need to worry and meditate about this new development later.' "Why are you hanging out with that bitch!" Taylor was practically yelling. I however have no patience for this junk and reached out with both hands to shove Taylor on her shoulders, and the next thing you know her arms were flailing trying to catch her falling body. Her shoes slipped and down on her back she went, it all happened so fast that I was still coming to terms with the fact I had just pushed her and she was now down. Taylor fought the fall every inch of the way, I guess I must have pushed a lot harder then I intended, okay that's bullshit, I pushed her pretty hard because I wanted to. "You just had to go too far!" My cheeks went flush with emotion, God I love this sensation! What is wrong with me? Actually nothing, it's just what your body does in 'fight mode'. Taylor was already scrambling back to her feet and had a perplexed expression, like one of disbelief, that she was just down on her butt. I expected and got retaliation as Taylor came at me with her own hard shove, but no dramatic falling on my part, I was expecting it. My torso simply twisted a little to the side as my feet sifted to a a slightly wider stance. "Going too far? Yeah that's right so what are you going to do? Nothing! So fuck you!" Taylor yelled and almost had tears coming out of her eyes, which surprised me, I guess her nerves were getting the best of her. 'So let's get on with this!' my aggressive subconscious chimed in, but I also heard 'You're in trouble now! Fighting is bad!' from my good, sweet side, 'Think about your pristine academic and behavioral record at this School!' Which side should I listen to? Oh I know! So without further delay I dove-in to tackle Taylor to the ground. I have always been good at mimicking people in sports, show me once and I just have it down, so like the wrestlers in our school I go for a double-leg-take-down! Taylor let out this loud grunt when I dove in and slammed her down to the floor. Ouch, that's hard tile flooring below us, maybe not the best takedown strategy. "Come on Taylor!" I hear Janet shout in support of her friend, now that pissed me off even more. The impact of hitting the floor was hard enough that even I felt stunned for a second, but quickly we reattached to one another. I was still on top but there was this massive amount of flailing, kicking, punching, clawing, it was total chaos! I was now in a full-blown fight and my heart and body was racing with energy, maybe too much energy, that started to worry me. I made my move and scooted astride my opponent's prone body while trying to dodge the slaps and punches. In fact I was doing a damn good job of deflecting her attacks, my body seemed to know exactly what to do next all on its own. "Oh shit! Wait you guys! Stop!" Janet started yelling. My left hand let go of Taylor's pinned right arm and punched straight down into her gut, 'BINGO! Direct hit! I sunk her battleship!' The girl is now coughing and her face looks all red as she gasps for air. "Hey stop! Get off her!" I hear Janet yelling at me, I try to just ignore her as I move onto accomplishing my next task, inching up my adversaries body and planting my knees into this girl's armpits. I then saw an opportunity and tried to pin both of Taylor's arms to the floor; No more pinching, boob grabbing, clawing, slapping or punching. I noticed signs of exhaustion on Taylor's part; new, heavy layers of perspiration and unusually heavy panting. I guess her gas tank was almost empty, she had just come in from two hours of softball practice so that wasn't helping. Now I was hoping she would be saying 'I give!' any second and the fight would be over so no one really gets hurt, especially me! Of course with me now sitting on her rib cage breathing was becoming a real challenge for her. 'There!' I thought as I felt secure on top of her, "Look where your big mouth has gotten you!" I seethed, letting my own anger get the better of me as I seemed to almost gloat down at the struggling girl. "Fuck you! You brought this on yourself, hanging out with those fucking snot-nosed cunts!" she shouted back up at me. "You give up?" I pushed her wrists around on the floor a little just to prove I had total control over her arms. "Fuck no!" Taylor yelled and thrashed even harder, that really pissed me off, and now all I wanted to do was inflict the most pain as possible and subdue this girl once and for all! "Get off of her!" I was surprised to feel Janet's hands pulling at my shoulders, trying to dislodge me. So little Janet has some spunk in her! Excuse me but I'll act impressed later, as for now I just turned my rage on the girl and gave Janet a firm shove, she went sprawling backwards. "You get the fuck off me or you'll be next!" Janet looked at me with this horrible expression of fear, I actually wondered what my 'rage face' looks like in the mirror, must be pretty scary. In any case Janet's distraction allowed Taylor to start throwing wild, but ineffective, punches up from the ground with her now free hands. All I want to do is hit this girl again, I mean 'really' hit her, and my upper body twisted as my right arm chambered, 'wait for the clear shot' and FIRE! Oh it landed with terrible impact and I felt instant satisfaction! "Oh my god!" Were the very next words and they were coming from Janet, I looked over at Janet and then back down, a smear of red blood began to emerge from Taylor's nose, actually make that a river of blood! Amazing what the sight of blood can do and there was a lot of it coming out too. I quickly leaned back scooting off her body in my own surprise at the turn of events, mostly I was surprised at how quickly she started to bleed, must have hit a main artery or something. Taylor moved quickly to cup her face while I gathered my wits about me and slowly backed further away. I watched her trembling fingers as she touched and pinched her nose, the side of her cheek looked pretty swollen and red now as well. 'Wow' the tears were really streaming down her face now as she lay slumped against the wall trying to recover and get her bearings. Janet was quick to react and handed a nearby towel to her friend. 'Hope it's a clean towel.' Odd thought, just a little picky observation, I guess if my nose was gushing blood I would not care where the towel came from either. Ewwww....watching that white fabric quickly spot red got me a little queasy in the stomach. "Jesus Corbin!" Taylor finally spoke up, her voice clearly trembling with emotion and she had this look of bewilderment, like she couldn't believe that she was sitting on the floor holding a towel to her bleeding nose. I reached over with my left hand and subconsciously rubbed the fingers of my right, there was a slight stinging sensation that had started shooting up my hand, especially when I flexed my fingers. I think we both used the nose bleed as a good excuse to stop the fight, besides I was getting out of control and Taylor was looking totally exhausted. She remained slumped against the corner for several minutes, her chest rising and falling rapidly with deep breaths, one hand holding a towel to her face, the other clutching her sore stomach. "Well don't look so surprised! What the hell did you expect when you started running your mouth!" I suddenly launched into a verbal lashing again, 'Yeah! Now cuss her out some more!' the she-devil whispered into my ear, encouraging more bad behavior. 'You be quiet! You've caused enough trouble!' the nice angel chastised. 'Both of you be quiet!' I yelled subconsciously at the voices in my head. Now this is just freaky, I mean, I always have conversations in my brain, most people do I think, but these seemed like three very distinct voices. Come on! Can't I get a break? Anyway I can't worry about this mental junk now, need to focus. I stood up on my wobbly legs and watched Taylor's left hand inspect her nose, she then threw the towel down apparent disgust. "I'm sorry." she mumbled, that comment totally caught me way off guard, I distinctly heard her voice crack with emotion and new tears began to run down her cheeks. Amazing, before it was all over I am giving her a hug and she's sobbing on my shoulder saying how she always liked me and never wanted things to come to this between us, asking for my forgiveness. This is crazy, now I am consoling this girl? What the heck is this madness? 'I hope she isn't bleeding on me.' Is that an insensitive thought? Taylor pulls herself together and my eyes travel over at Janet who remained standing like some statue, her eyes wide with disbelief. ********** Wow, what a change of scenery, the late afternoon sun was hanging a little low as I emerged from the girl's locker room and took a deep breath of the cool air, some humidity hung in the air but it was noticeably better then the oppressive heat of the locker room I was leaving behind. A slight breeze even chilled my body as I approached my car, I watched people milling about outside going about their daily business, 'So strange' that I should feel paranoid. I felt the tension rise in my back, waiting for a teacher, security guard or Principal to come running up to me any second, to scold and punish me for fighting, to suspend or expel me even. 'It goes against everything I've been taught, so why is there some feeling of liberation in what just happened?' 'Because kicking-ass feels great!' the she-devil in me roared. 'Silence!' the angel's voice commanded. 'Both you quiet!' Just great, more arguing in my brain again. I need to see a Therapist, or Priest, or both! This can't be a good sign. And then, everything seemed to slow down, a strange zen calm settled in over me as I drove my car, don't think I've ever had one of those 'zen moments' before....kind of nice. Now where am I driving to? I really wasn't sure. **********