**********


"Guarding yourself 
From the love of another 
Left you with nothing tonight 
Why does it sound like 
The devil is laughing 
Leaving me haunted tonight"

-Disturbed


**********


I am a big dummy. No really. But that's okay because I must 
maintain my comfort zone or else my brain and nerves get all 
frazzled and I get angry. For example, guys will bend over 
backwards to help me do things, carry things, work on homework, 
pay my way....whatever, take your pick. I give them a nice 'Thank 
you' and that-is-that.  

"You could have at least given him a hug! You know him, he is a 
friend." Sharon would nudge me on the arm when a guy walked 
away befuddled at my casual wave and a simple 'thanks'.

"A hug? What for? If a guy does things for me and then expects 
physical payment in return, well he can just forget it. I'll hug my 
boyfriend, my parents, and maybe even you sometimes." I give a 
sly smile and nudge Sharon back with my elbow, "Hugging is a 
sign of affection and I don't dish out affection except to special 
people." I nodded my head at my clear and self-satisfying answer.

"You are one tough cookie." Sharon raised her left eyebrow at 
me, "But don't worry, I'll loosen you up." And she wrapped her 
left arm around my shoulder, hugging me tight.

"Oh great." I sighed.

So maybe calling myself a 'big dummy' was harsh, maybe I am 
just goofy? Or dorky? Or maybe none of the above! Yeah I like 
that 'None of the above'. They should include that in election 
choices.


*********


No matter how much time went by something was brewing 
between me and Taylor (or is it Taylor and me? Grammar what a 
pain! Sheesh!). There was just this vibe she was putting out, that 
she had a score to settle with me and Sharon (mostly Sharon I 
think).

I was standing in the locker room trying to actually relax as I 
performed a slight weight shift onto my right leg as I raised my 
arms above my head, I firmly clasped my left wrist with my right 
hand before leaning as far to the left as I could, then to my right, 
stretching and pulling my sore, tight lat muscles. Dropping my 
arms I slowly rolled my head back and forth trying to work out 
some of the tension from a physically and mentally exhausting 
two weeks. 

Unfortunately Taylor was also present that day, and only a few 
feet away, having us in the same room together was not a good 
idea at the time, but I wasn't going to rush along just because of 
her presence, besides, simple stretching exercises like this can go a 
long way in reducing one's anxiety, usually. I say 'usually' because 
I keep catching Taylor glancing over at me, and now I'm sensing 
something bad is about to come out of her big mouth, something 
usually always does. From the corner of my left eye I caught her 
hands almost rip off her shirt and toss it to the ground in a some 
kind of fit. *Sigh of relief* maybe she is mad at her shirt and not 
me! :)

Also, Taylor had been waging a war of words with various 
classmates against me and Sharon, saying crap like;
'How could she be friends with that snotty, fucking, bitch!'
'They now hang around each other all the damn time!'
'Pretty soon Corbin will start to act just like the rest of those 
idiots!'

Physically there were some distinctions between our body types; I 
had that toned almost muscular physique with almost no body fat 
while Taylor's own stocky build was wrapped in a layer of body 
fat, not a lot, but enough to soften her look. I guess she enjoyed 
eating fast-food too much to give it up for the pursuit of that 
'ripped' look. 

Janet suddenly came around the corner and opened up her locker, 
which was next to Taylor's of course, "Hey that was a good 
practice game today, yeah?" Janet piped up and I was swept up in 
a moments relief, would Janet be that needed distraction? A 
saving moment of grace? Fat chance there! Taylor wasn't listening, 
she never does.
 
"Yeah." came Taylor's half-hearted mumbling response. I knew it, 
once her little mind capsized any better judgment simply got 
drowned by the moment. "You know what Janet, too bad we 
didn't get to finish off Princess the other day." I knew Janet to be a 
little more sensible and while she normally took Taylor's side I 
could tell she was backing down this time. I could really feel the 
blood flowing at a furious pace into my arteries, my ears were 
doing that pounding thing as I prayed 'Please god make her shut 
up, please.' I felt like I was being tested and my hands lowered to 
my side as I just stood paralyzed, looking straight ahead into that 
dark locker. Nothing but an empty void staring back at me, no one 
to help me....no one to intervene now....no one to say who is 
right or wrong.

"You know what, Sharon looked really cute in her...." came the 
last straw. 

THAT'S IT!

I slammed my locker shut causing both Taylor and Janet to jump 
with shock. I slowly, with purpose, stepped over the bench that 
separated us, even my legs seemed to move of their own accord. 
My left leg found it's footing, then my right, as I now stood only 
feet away from my antagonist. With every move it seemed that my 
anguish intensified, my blood just pumped faster thru my heart 
and I fought to control my breathing, 'Cool down and even things 
out' I tried to tell myself and it helped. It also felt like I was 
stepping out of one 'skin' and into another, the old 'Corbin' was 
still standing back at the locker, calling to me to ignore Taylor's 
taunts, 'Don't go!' my non-confrontational side cried out.

"Shut your fat mouth Taylor and take back what you just said." 
Not the most intimidating comment but wow what a rush! My 
whole body felt alive, my chest rising and falling like my very 
heart might explode, this was unlike any other level of energy I've 
been able to achieve in sports. But let pause right here and reiterate 
something....I do not like fighting....I just happen to be very good 
at it. The walls and everything around me started to fade away, 
leaving just the two of us, I didn't even see little Janet anymore, all 
of my focus was on Taylor.

"Well why don't you just make me shut up!" Taylor slammed her 
locker shut and turned to square up her shoulders. 'Nice try' I'm 
thinking but I can tell she's really scared of this getting out of 
control. Now how would I know that? I'm no mind reader but her 
eyes are darting all around, very twitchy and distracted, while I 
just have this laser-like fixation on her face.

I take another step forward, "Why are you pushing me?" Actually 
a calculated move on my part as I needed to get within striking 
distance. Something was switching in the back of my brain here, it 
was like I couldn't wait to start pounding on this girl. This new 
aggressive side really concerned me, 'Will need to worry and 
meditate about this new development later.'

"Why are you hanging out with that bitch!" Taylor was practically 
yelling. 

I however have no patience for this junk and reached out with 
both hands to shove Taylor on her shoulders, and the next thing 
you know her arms were flailing trying to catch her falling body. 
Her shoes slipped and down on her back she went, it all happened 
so fast that I was still coming to terms with the fact I had just 
pushed her and she was now down. Taylor fought the fall every 
inch of the way, I guess I must have pushed a lot harder then I 
intended, okay that's bullshit, I pushed her pretty hard because I 
wanted to.

"You just had to go too far!" My cheeks went flush with emotion, 
God I love this sensation! What is wrong with me? Actually 
nothing, it's just what your body does in 'fight mode'.  Taylor was 
already scrambling back to her feet and had a perplexed 
expression, like one of disbelief, that she was just down on her 
butt. I expected and got retaliation as Taylor came at me with her 
own hard shove, but no dramatic falling on my part, I was 
expecting it. My torso simply twisted a little to the side as my feet 
sifted to a a slightly wider stance. 

"Going too far? Yeah that's right so what are you going to do? 
Nothing! So fuck you!" Taylor yelled and almost had tears coming 
out of her eyes, which surprised me, I guess her nerves were 
getting the best of her. 

'So let's get on with this!' my aggressive subconscious chimed in, 
but I also heard 'You're in trouble now! Fighting is bad!' from my 
good, sweet side, 'Think about your pristine academic and 
behavioral record at this School!' 

Which side should I listen to? 

Oh I know! 

So without further delay I dove-in to tackle Taylor to the ground. I 
have always been good at mimicking people in sports, show me 
once and I just have it down, so like the wrestlers in our school I 
go for a double-leg-take-down! Taylor let out this loud grunt when 
I dove in and slammed her down to the floor. Ouch, that's hard 
tile flooring below us, maybe not the best takedown strategy.

"Come on Taylor!" I hear Janet shout in support of her friend, 
now that pissed me off even more. The impact of hitting the floor 
was hard enough that even I felt stunned for a second, but quickly 
we reattached to one another. I was still on top but there was this 
massive amount of flailing, kicking, punching, clawing, it was 
total chaos! I was now in a full-blown fight and my heart and body 
was racing with energy, maybe too much energy, that started to 
worry me. I made my move and scooted astride my opponent's 
prone body while trying to dodge the slaps and punches. In fact I 
was doing a damn good job of deflecting her attacks, my body 
seemed to know exactly what to do next all on its own. 

"Oh shit! Wait you guys! Stop!" Janet started yelling.

My left hand let go of Taylor's pinned right arm and punched 
straight down into her gut, 'BINGO! Direct hit! I sunk her 
battleship!' The girl is now coughing and her face looks all red as 
she gasps for air. 

"Hey stop! Get off her!" I hear Janet yelling at me, I try to just 
ignore her as I move onto accomplishing my next task, inching up 
my adversaries body and planting my knees into this girl's armpits. 
I then saw an opportunity and tried to pin both of Taylor's arms to 
the floor; No more pinching, boob grabbing, clawing, slapping or 
punching. I noticed signs of exhaustion on Taylor's part; new, 
heavy layers of perspiration and unusually heavy panting. I guess 
her gas tank was almost empty, she had just come in from two 
hours of softball practice so that wasn't helping. Now I was 
hoping she would be saying 'I give!' any second and the fight 
would be over so no one really gets hurt, especially me! Of course 
with me now sitting on her rib cage breathing was becoming a real 
challenge for her.

'There!' I thought as I felt secure on top of her, "Look where your 
big mouth has gotten you!" I seethed, letting my own anger get the 
better of me as I seemed to almost gloat down at the struggling 
girl.

"Fuck you! You brought this on yourself, hanging out with those 
fucking snot-nosed cunts!" she shouted back up at me.

"You give up?" I pushed her wrists around on the floor a little just 
to prove I had total control over her arms.

"Fuck no!" Taylor yelled and thrashed even harder, that really 
pissed me off, and now all I wanted to do was inflict the most pain 
as possible and subdue this girl once and for all! 

"Get off of her!" I was surprised to feel Janet's hands pulling at my 
shoulders, trying to dislodge me. So little Janet has some spunk in 
her! Excuse me but I'll act impressed later, as for now I just turned 
my rage on the girl and gave Janet a firm shove, she went 
sprawling backwards.

"You get the fuck off me or you'll be next!" Janet looked at me 
with this horrible expression of fear, I actually wondered what my 
'rage face' looks like in the mirror, must be pretty scary. In any 
case Janet's distraction allowed Taylor to start throwing wild, but 
ineffective, punches up from the ground with her now free hands. 
All I want to do is hit this girl again, I mean 'really' hit her, and 
my upper body twisted as my right arm chambered, 'wait for the 
clear shot' and FIRE! Oh it landed with terrible impact and I felt 
instant satisfaction!

"Oh my god!" Were the very next words and they were coming 
from Janet, I looked over at Janet and then back down, a smear of 
red blood began to emerge from Taylor's nose, actually make that 
a river of blood! Amazing what the sight of blood can do and there 
was a lot of it coming out too. I quickly leaned back scooting off 
her body in my own surprise at the turn of events, mostly I was 
surprised at how quickly she started to bleed, must have hit a main 
artery or something. Taylor moved quickly to cup her face while I 
gathered my wits about me and slowly backed further away. I 
watched her trembling fingers as she touched and pinched her 
nose, the side of her cheek looked pretty swollen and red now as 
well. 'Wow' the tears were really streaming down her face now as 
she lay slumped against the wall trying to recover and get her 
bearings. Janet was quick to react and handed a nearby towel to 
her friend.

'Hope it's a clean towel.' Odd thought, just a little picky 
observation, I guess if my nose was gushing blood I would not 
care where the towel came from either. Ewwww....watching that 
white fabric quickly spot red got me a little queasy in the stomach.

"Jesus Corbin!" Taylor finally spoke up, her voice clearly 
trembling with emotion and she had this look of bewilderment, 
like she couldn't believe that she was sitting on the floor holding a 
towel to her bleeding nose. I reached over with my left hand and 
subconsciously rubbed the fingers of my right, there was a slight 
stinging sensation that had started shooting up my hand, 
especially when I flexed my fingers. I think we both used the nose 
bleed as a good excuse to stop the fight, besides I was getting out 
of control and Taylor was looking totally exhausted. She remained 
slumped against the corner for several minutes, her chest rising 
and falling rapidly with deep breaths, one hand holding a towel to 
her face, the other clutching her sore stomach.

"Well don't look so surprised! What the hell did you expect when 
you started running your mouth!" I suddenly launched into a 
verbal lashing again, 'Yeah! Now cuss her out some more!' the 
she-devil whispered into my ear, encouraging more bad behavior. 
'You be quiet! You've caused enough trouble!' the nice angel 
chastised. 'Both of you be quiet!' I yelled subconsciously at the 
voices in my head. Now this is just freaky, I mean, I always have 
conversations in my brain, most people do I think, but these 
seemed like three very distinct voices. Come on! Can't I get a 
break? Anyway I can't worry about this mental junk now, need to 
focus.

I stood up on my wobbly legs and watched Taylor's left hand 
inspect her nose, she then threw the towel down apparent disgust. 
"I'm sorry." she mumbled, that comment totally caught me way 
off guard, I distinctly heard her voice crack with emotion and new 
tears began to run down her cheeks. 

Amazing, before it was all over I am giving her a hug and she's 
sobbing on my shoulder saying how she always liked me and 
never wanted things to come to this between us, asking for my 
forgiveness. This is crazy, now I am consoling this girl? What the 
heck is this madness? 

'I hope she isn't bleeding on me.' Is that an insensitive thought?

Taylor pulls herself together and my eyes travel over at Janet who 
remained standing like some statue, her eyes wide with disbelief. 


**********


Wow, what a change of scenery, the late afternoon sun was 
hanging a little low as I emerged from the girl's locker room and 
took a deep breath of the cool air, some humidity hung in the air 
but it was noticeably better then the oppressive heat of the locker 
room I was leaving behind. A slight breeze even chilled my body 
as I approached my car, I watched people milling about outside 
going about their daily business, 'So strange' that I should feel 
paranoid. I felt the tension rise in my back, waiting for a teacher, 
security guard or Principal to come running up to me any second, 
to scold and punish me for fighting, to suspend or expel me even. 
'It goes against everything I've been taught, so why is there some 
feeling of liberation in what just happened?'

'Because kicking-ass feels great!' the she-devil in me roared.
'Silence!' the angel's voice commanded.
'Both you quiet!'
Just great, more arguing in my brain again. I need to see a 
Therapist, or Priest, or both! This can't be a good sign.

And then, everything seemed to slow down, a strange zen calm 
settled in over me as I drove my car, don't think I've ever had one 
of those 'zen moments' before....kind of nice. 

Now where am I driving to? I really wasn't sure.


**********