********* Growing up it all seems so one-sided Opinions all provided The future pre-decided Detached and subdivided In the mass production zone Nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone In the high school halls In the shopping malls Conform or be cast out In the basement bars In the backs of cars Be cool or be cast out Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth But the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth -RUSH ******** I think I was destined to do physical labor from the moment I learned to walk, my parents engaged in a constant struggle over this issue. It all started when I would try to help my dad push the lawnmower around the yard when only a toddler, pretty soon that would come back to haunt me. At about the age of eleven I was out pushing that crappy lawn mower around the freaking yard. I swear every rusty wheel fought me every inch of the way, I cursed the grass and that stinky lawnmower, but it was good therapy as I felt like I was exercising every personal demon I had as I chopped/hacked/butchered those little blades of grass. I think I even got an evil grin on my face as I watched those little blades of grass fly out the side of that joke of a lawnmower. One time I set the blade so low that it damn near got cut down to the dirt, you should have seen my dad running out of the house, yelling, boy was he pissed! I just shrugged and waived my arms out to my side playing dumb; "What?" I asked innocently. "You know what!" he snapped. But no matter how much I abused that lawn, that grass kept growing. This was also about the time when guys started to notice me, you see I was taller and more developed then most of my friends so older guys in the neighborhood driving by would stop to talk to me. That is until I told them my age, and if that wasn't a deterrent, well my Dad would step out onto the front porch. Not to mention that it freaked me out a little, I'm used to the boy down the street wheeling up on his bicycle, not some guy pulling up in a car who is a whole school ahead of me! And do you guys get jealous and I'm not even your girlfriend, as soon as one guy would leave the next would be like 'Who was that? What did he want?'..........He wanted to help me cut the grass...Duh!! What do you think! Rolling-up to talk to me while I'm cutting the grass annoys the heck out of me, why? Because I'm cutting the grass, I'm busy!' I smell like grass, gasoline and I'm all sweaty and yucky. But they would just pull their car up to the curb and get out; "Hey Corbin, what's up? Haven't talked to you in a long time! You've really grown up!" There eyes all big and gawking. 'What's up? I'll tell you what's up, I'm cutting the grass MORON!' That is what I would think while I just smiled to there chit-chat about their car....movies, school, or whatever. The other problem is that if I stopped that piece of junk lawnmower it took like fifteen pulls to get it going again. My dad just smiled at me while I mumbled my complaints. My mother was infuriated grabbing my hands and telling my Dad to "look!" at what cutting the grass is doing to my fingernails. She would spend half the night undoing the damage cutting the grass was doing to my hands. But I was like clock work, every Saturday morning you would find me cutting the grass and the guys figured that out really quick. I never was able to finish cutting that yard from start to finish without someone pulling up to chat. Can't I just cut the grass in peace? ********** Sometimes I space-out forgetting who and where I am, a side effect of being blonde. Not sure why I just shared that. The next day would prove to be anything but easy as I glanced over and caught site of Sharon walking by, my heart just about leapt out of my chest as my hand came up with a wave. But I could feel my friends watching me, judging my every move and it felt sickening to cave in to that pressure. Sharon's smile slowly faded as I just went back to chatting with my friends, like she wasn't even there, and to top if off a couple of the girls in my group shot Sharon some ugly looks. I glanced over and watched Sharon turn away, making a detour down another hallway to her next Class. I had to fight the urge to chase after her and apologize. "Did that girl just wave at you?" Jenn asked looking over at me with an expression of shock. "God, I hear she's a real bitch." Vera chimed in. I painfully twitched with every cutting remark and my hands clutched my books closely to my chest in shame for not walking up and talking to Sharon, for being so fucking weak. 'Shit' I thought to myself, hoping they wouldn't ask anymore questions. Almost purposefully Sharon and I avoided one another over the next couple of days as if we suddenly didn't know how to navigate past all the bullshit 'our so-called friends' were throwing our way. By the start of Thursday I guess we both were resigned to the fact that School 'cliques' did in fact rule and I wasn't going to risk ridicule to talk with or be her friend and/or vice-versa. But fate was determined to bring us together before that dreadful day was over with. I almost stumbled down the track while running laps when I spotted her. Sharon had just finished her Cheerleading practice, but was lingering around on the field glancing over my way. We exchanged a few awkward glances until finally I steered myself towards her direction, I noticed that Sharon had begun to nervously fidget and squatted down to untie and tie her shoelaces, trying to look busy. It made me smile a little to see she appeared just as nervous as me. "You want some company?" I finally asked, nervously running my hands thru my sweat soaked hair. "Sure if you like." Sharon simply said and she appeared to try and act nonchalant about the whole thing. Slowly I sat down on the grass opposite her and stretched out my legs, it felt good and I started to massage a tender muscle in my right thigh. I actually caught Sharon watching as my fingers kneed my sore muscles, she would quickly glance away and try and play it off. I don't know why but I just smiled at that, I think it was just innocent admiration of my legs I guess, I was naive then....still am I guess. "You really are in great shape." Sharon said looking over at my legs again and shaking her head in amazement. "Oh, thank you." I shrugged, "Well, your no slouch yourself." I smiled back hoping the frigid attitude was breaking apart. "Aren't you afraid you going to be seen talking to me?" Sharon decided to jump right into the issue that hurt her the most, and looked back down at the laces of her shoes. It caught me a little off guard and took a deep breath, "I don't care about that, well, at least not anymore and I'm sorry for being such a wimp that day when you said 'hello'." I stopped working my muscles and frantically plucked several blades of grass around my outstretched legs while staring back down. And then something happened that further caused my mind to spin out of control, Sharon had pulled her left knee up to her chest, flashing me with her dark blue bikini briefs from under her Cheer skirt. I just gulped and caught myself staring, but looked away in shame. But let me be honest here, I was looking at her briefs! Oh Lord help me, this is not appropriate! I'm getting sexually confused again! I spastically snapped out of my gazing and looked up, Sharon was just sitting there meeting my gaze head-on and we locked eyes with one another for what felt like the first time in a long while. I seemed lost in thought and gently shrugged my broad shoulders before looking down again, I was getting emotional for some reason and couldn't look her in the eyes. "What is it? Tell me." Sharon pleaded. "Well, it's just...." It just kept coming, the sadness, overwhelming me and I couldn't finish my sentence so I quickly looked away again. Sharon, bless her, simply watched compassionately as I struggled to speak, 'Out with it already!' my subconscious yelled. "....I think we should give it another chance, you know, if you still want to be friends. I think we could be really good friends." Damn it, that did me in, my voice cracked as I moved my right hand up to wipe some tears from under my eyes, I tried to mask the effort as if I was wiping sweat from face, but I think it was obvious. "Damn it's hot out here." I mumbled a lame attempt at trying to disguise my emotions. This was not like me at all, feeling so emotionally vulnerable, and why now? Why with Sharon? I don't want to psycho analyze this now so I leaned back, my right hand pressing into the grass to brace myself. I suddenly felt something that blew me away. Sharon had taken the opportunity, and initiative, to lean in and discreetly touch my right hand with her left. It was the best feeling I could ever recall, my normally guarded composure slipped some more when I saw the tears running down Sharon's cheeks. I cautiously opened my fingers and I felt her move, my nerves tingled as her fingers began to intertwine with mine. We both were trying to be discrete, but why? Nobody was paying particular attention to us, but then again, in this place the windows have eyes. "Corbin, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, I'd like that, more then anything in the world." Sharon's look was so emotional, almost a look of relief had washed over her whole body, she kept smiling even as her free hand wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Please don't be so hard on yourself, a lot of the crap you've been hearing and dealing with is my own doing." Sharon's big blue eyes stayed emotional as her lips even betrayed a tremble. Sharon was the first true girlfriend I had ever had, so there I was at seventeen and I finally found a friend that I could share everything with, and she felt the same about me. You see, I just assumed Sharon had any number of friends that she felt closely bonded to, but that was not the case at all. She wasn't sure who she could trust anymore. Funny that it took two strangers, who only slightly knew of each other for years to one day come together and be instant best friends. Well the bell suddenly rang for last class and our hands slowly withdrew from one another as the activity of voices and class doors opening up drew us out of our private moment. "Uh oh," Sharon smiled and looked over at the building, then back to me, "You sure you want to be seen walking with me back to the gym." She said with a teasing, flirtatious look. I shook my head with a faint smile "I think I can handle it." **********