*********


Growing up it all seems so one-sided
Opinions all provided
The future pre-decided
Detached and subdivided
In the mass production zone
Nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone

In the high school halls
In the shopping malls
Conform or be cast out

In the basement bars
In the backs of cars
Be cool or be cast out
Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth
But the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of 
youth

-RUSH


********


I think I was destined to do physical labor from the moment I 
learned to walk, my parents engaged in a constant struggle over 
this issue.

It all started when I would try to help my dad push the 
lawnmower around the yard when only a toddler, pretty soon that 
would come back to haunt me. At about the age of eleven I was 
out pushing that crappy lawn mower around the freaking yard. I 
swear every rusty wheel fought me every inch of the way, I cursed 
the grass and that stinky lawnmower, but it was good therapy as I 
felt like I was exercising every personal demon I had as I 
chopped/hacked/butchered those little blades of grass. I think I 
even got an evil grin on my face as I watched those little blades of 
grass fly out the side of that joke of a lawnmower.

One time I set the blade so low that it damn near got cut down to 
the dirt, you should have seen my dad running out of the house, 
yelling, boy was he pissed! I just shrugged and waived my arms 
out to my side playing dumb;

"What?" I asked innocently.

"You know what!" he snapped. 

But no matter how much I abused that lawn, that grass kept 
growing.

This was also about the time when guys started to notice me, you 
see I was taller and more developed then most of my friends so 
older guys in the neighborhood driving by would stop to talk to 
me. That is until I told them my age, and if that wasn't a deterrent, 
well my Dad would step out onto the front porch. Not to mention 
that it freaked me out a little, I'm used to the boy down the street 
wheeling up on his bicycle, not some guy pulling up in a car who 
is a whole school ahead of me!

And do you guys get jealous and I'm not even your girlfriend, as 
soon as one guy would leave the next would be like 'Who was 
that? What did he want?'..........He wanted to help me cut the 
grass...Duh!! What do you think! 

Rolling-up to talk to me while I'm cutting the grass annoys the 
heck out of me, why? Because I'm cutting the grass, I'm busy!' I 
smell like grass, gasoline and I'm all sweaty and yucky. But they 
would just pull their car up to the curb and get out; "Hey Corbin, 
what's up? Haven't talked to you in a long time! You've really 
grown up!" There eyes all big and gawking.

'What's up? I'll tell you what's up, I'm cutting the grass MORON!' 

That is what I would think while I just smiled to there chit-chat 
about their car....movies, school, or whatever. The other problem 
is that if I stopped that piece of junk lawnmower it took like fifteen 
pulls to get it going again. My dad just smiled at me while I 
mumbled my complaints. My mother was infuriated grabbing my 
hands and telling my Dad to "look!" at what cutting the grass is 
doing to my fingernails. She would spend half the night undoing 
the damage cutting the grass was doing to my hands.

But I was like clock work, every Saturday morning you would find 
me cutting the grass and the guys figured that out really quick. I 
never was able to finish cutting that yard from start to finish 
without someone pulling up to chat.

Can't I just cut the grass in peace?


**********


Sometimes I space-out forgetting who and where I am, a side 
effect of being blonde. Not sure why I just shared that.

The next day would prove to be anything but easy as I glanced 
over and caught site of Sharon walking by, my heart just about 
leapt out of my chest as my hand came up with a wave. But I 
could feel my friends watching me, judging my every move and it 
felt sickening to cave in to that pressure. Sharon's smile slowly 
faded as I just went back to chatting with my friends, like she 
wasn't even there, and to top if off a couple of the girls in my 
group shot Sharon some ugly looks. I glanced over and watched 
Sharon turn away, making a detour down another hallway to her 
next Class. I had to fight the urge to chase after her and apologize.

"Did that girl just wave at you?" Jenn asked looking over at me 
with an expression of shock.

"God, I hear she's a real bitch." Vera chimed in. I painfully 
twitched with every cutting remark and my hands clutched my 
books closely to my chest in shame for not walking up and talking 
to Sharon, for being so fucking weak. 'Shit' I thought to myself, 
hoping they wouldn't ask anymore questions.

Almost purposefully Sharon and I avoided one another over the 
next couple of days as if we suddenly didn't know how to navigate 
past all the bullshit 'our so-called friends' were throwing our way. 
By the start of Thursday I guess we both were resigned to the fact 
that School 'cliques' did in fact rule and I wasn't going to risk 
ridicule to talk with or be her friend and/or vice-versa. 

But fate was determined to bring us together before that dreadful 
day was over with. 

I almost stumbled down the track while running laps when I 
spotted her. Sharon had just finished her Cheerleading practice, 
but was lingering around on the field glancing over my way. We 
exchanged a few awkward glances until finally I steered myself 
towards her direction, I noticed that Sharon had begun to 
nervously fidget and squatted down to untie and tie her shoelaces, 
trying to look busy. It made me smile a little to see she appeared 
just as nervous as me.

"You want some company?" I finally asked, nervously running my 
hands thru my sweat soaked hair.

"Sure if you like." Sharon simply said and she appeared to try and 
act nonchalant about the whole thing. Slowly I sat down on the 
grass opposite her and stretched out my legs, it felt good and I 
started to massage a tender muscle in my right thigh. I actually 
caught Sharon watching as my fingers kneed my sore muscles, she 
would quickly glance away and try and play it off. I don't know 
why but I just smiled at that, I think it was just innocent 
admiration of my legs I guess, I was naive then....still am I guess.

"You really are in great shape." Sharon said looking over at my 
legs again and shaking her head in amazement.

"Oh, thank you." I shrugged, "Well, your no slouch yourself." I 
smiled back hoping the frigid attitude was breaking apart.

"Aren't you afraid you going to be seen talking to me?" Sharon 
decided to jump right into the issue that hurt her the most, and 
looked back down at the laces of her shoes. 

It caught me a little off guard and took a deep breath, "I don't care 
about that, well, at least not anymore and I'm sorry for being such 
a wimp that day when you said 'hello'." I stopped working my 
muscles and frantically plucked several blades of grass around my 
outstretched legs while staring back down. And then something 
happened that further caused my mind to spin out of control, 
Sharon had pulled her left knee up to her chest, flashing me with 
her dark blue bikini briefs from under her Cheer skirt. I just gulped 
and caught myself staring, but looked away in shame. But let me 
be honest here, I was looking at her briefs! Oh Lord help me, this 
is not appropriate! I'm getting sexually confused again!

I spastically snapped out of my gazing and looked up, Sharon was 
just sitting there meeting my gaze head-on and we locked eyes 
with one another for what felt like the first time in a long while. I 
seemed lost in thought and gently shrugged my broad shoulders 
before looking down again, I was getting emotional for some 
reason and couldn't look her in the eyes.

"What is it? Tell me." Sharon pleaded.

"Well, it's just...." It just kept coming, the sadness, overwhelming 
me and I couldn't finish my sentence so I quickly looked away 
again. Sharon, bless her, simply watched compassionately as I 
struggled to speak, 'Out with it already!' my subconscious yelled. 
"....I think we should give it another chance, you know, if you still 
want to be friends. I think we could be really good friends." Damn 
it, that did me in, my voice cracked as I moved my right hand up 
to wipe some tears from under my eyes, I tried to mask the effort 
as if I was wiping sweat from face, but I think it was obvious. 
"Damn it's hot out here." I mumbled a lame attempt at trying to 
disguise my emotions. This was not like me at all, feeling so 
emotionally vulnerable, and why now? Why with Sharon? I don't 
want to psycho analyze this now so I leaned back, my right hand 
pressing into the grass to brace myself. 

I suddenly felt something that blew me away. Sharon had taken 
the opportunity, and initiative, to lean in and discreetly touch my 
right hand with her left. It was the best feeling I could ever recall, 
my normally guarded composure slipped some more when I saw 
the tears running down Sharon's cheeks. I cautiously opened my 
fingers and I felt her move, my nerves tingled as her fingers began 
to intertwine with mine. We both were trying to be discrete, but 
why? Nobody was paying particular attention to us, but then 
again, in this place the windows have eyes. 

"Corbin, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, I'd like 
that, more then anything in the world." Sharon's look was so 
emotional, almost a look of relief had washed over her whole 
body, she kept smiling even as her free hand wiped the tears from 
her cheeks. "Please don't be so hard on yourself, a lot of the crap 
you've been hearing and dealing with is my own doing." Sharon's 
big blue eyes stayed emotional as her lips even betrayed a tremble.

Sharon was the first true girlfriend I had ever had, so there I was at 
seventeen and I finally found a friend that I could share everything 
with, and she felt the same about me. You see, I just assumed 
Sharon had any number of friends that she felt closely bonded to, 
but that was not the case at all. She wasn't sure who she could 
trust anymore. Funny that it took two strangers, who only slightly 
knew of each other for years to one day come together and be 
instant best friends.

Well the bell suddenly rang for last class and our hands slowly 
withdrew from one another as the activity of voices and class 
doors opening up drew us out of our private moment.

"Uh oh," Sharon smiled and looked over at the building, then back 
to me, "You sure you want to be seen walking with me back to the 
gym." She said with a teasing, flirtatious look. 

I shook my head with a faint smile "I think I can handle it."


**********