"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." -Groucho Marx ********* I am not a writer....so as far as grammar, spelling and such I just do the best that I can, and if people are really interested in this story then you might as well forget about instant gratification, consider that fair warning, so if my pace doesn't suite you then give up now and go back to your other superficial-instant- gratification self-indulgences. All sounds rather self-important doesn't it? Well tough! The circumstances surrounding and involving my life are undoubtedly what have brought you and I together yet again, but if you are new to my story...my life...this 'Diary' of sorts, then I will forewarn you that I have control issues, and maybe a few anger issues; How, when, and why those issues all started will become self explanatory as time goes on, so if you want to know more you have to read more. So lets begin by me trying to help you, understand me, a little better. Got that? Good, we may proceed. Around the time I turned twelve (Yes I skipped birth and toddler years, for that I am sure you will want to thank me at great length, but enough, we must move along quickly) my Mother worried at great length that I might be suppressing some emotions beyond the normal angst of youth. I wish a little 'angst' was all there was, I suppose I became rebellious, but I have maintained my dignity, integrity and self-respect all along the way. Being rebellious does not mean you just throw yourself into any given situation with reckless abandon. I rebel quietly, starting with how I dressed, actually all I was doing was dressing 'down' while trying to retain my tomboyish ways, yet I like to keep my hair long, I never like my hair short. It was really just the way my body was developing, Mother-Nature was not cooperating with me, so I turned to clothing which can offer a wonderful way to disguise your body as it changes (grows). I wasn't ashamed of being a girl, I love being a girl and having a great body, but I didn't want to deal with the way guys were starting to look at me differently; hitting on me, and staring at me. 'Come on, I'm your buddy, let's go climb a tree, ride bikes, play some sports!' That was my attitude for years even up until High School, but as I indicated, I grew taller and filled out. Then the boys acted awkward, gone was the laid back attitude of being friends, now they started 'acting'; shy, cool, or just plain strange. "What are you doing?" I asked and pushed one guy down when we were standing in my back yard one day after school. "I wanted to kiss you." He said with a shocked expression on his face as he looked up at me, still sitting on his butt, "Don't make that face, don't be mad!" "Don't make that face." I swear if I never had to hear that comment again for the rest of my life, but you see I have this unfortunate habit (unfortunate if you are on the receiving end of it) of making a real sour-scrunched expression whenever something grosses me out, it is very effective <sly smile>. But no you goofs, kissing does not gross me out but the thought of some guy just walking up and kissing on me without my permission does gross me out. So anyway I always insisted in buying clothes at least one size too big, I wanted to have the baggy jeans like the boys and the big tee-shirts, none of that wearing at the waist line, or below the hips, butt hugging pants bullshit. The real worry with my parents was that I became quiet...brooding, and my smile faded a little as I struggled with girlfriends who loved to dress in the latest fashion trends while I simply looked like a fashion 'wreck'. That is not necessarily a bad situation for me as I am thoroughly disgusted by what I see going on around me. Just look around, all of these bean-pole women on television ads and TV-shows that are suppose to be strong, athletic yet they look so anemic and scrawny I doubt they could kick down a cardboard door. And don't forget TV/Pictures/Film will add weight to you, so can you imagine how scrawny these women must really be. Oh well, I am just 'old' at heart and too serious for my years sometimes. I wish I could relax and just enjoy life, but everything seems to affect me so deeply that it pains me emotionally at times to see so many people in the world suffering while I have so much. Sorry, that's kind of a downer to read I know, but it affects me so I might as well put it out there because it spills over into everything I do. My Dad, well....thank God for Dad, he really supported me thru all of my sports and I think he was so proud to have such strong girl. I was kind of the best of both worlds, interested in playing sports while I could get dressed up when I had to be his 'little girl'. That brings a smile to my face as I say the word 'little', I stand at 5' 10", which is a blessing and curse...I don't like being the center of attention as I am going about my daily business...but when your tall, blonde (yes I'm blonde, it was bound to come up so let's get it over with) and athletic, you WILL attract attention, I mean what the fuck? Am I some kind of tourist attraction? ********* Not having much of a dating life was fine with me, this was because I focused primarily on sports, studying, and most importantly because my family history was not open for discussion. The closer you get to someone the more they are likely to pry deep into your personal affairs. That's funny, did I say 'likely'? Scratch that, people WILL pry into your personal life no matter what, so I had to be on-guard at all times. And then something weird began to happen, odd how life will twist and turn things around. Over the years my athletic, studious, and quiet demeanor began to set me apart (secretly I liked that, I think?). So get this! Guys actually started to worship the ground I walked on (okay maybe is a bit of a stretch, but I'm making a point here) I was viewed as some hard working, jock-girl that made great grades and was the 'good girl'. And how can I leave out this little gem of information, there were the other girl's in my school, mostly sluts, who would say to me "We need to get you laid!" Why? So my reputation (like theirs) can have the word 'whore' attached to it as well? No thank you! God I was so frustrated with all of these superficial social games. So immature. 'It's just the natural process of being a teenager and how the dynamics work in High School.' My Mom said, and yeah I already figured that out, but you must be joking? Who approved this form of socializing and made it a standard? I demand answers! And then I will be dishing out consequences! To make matters all the more interesting, and challenging, boys shifted into sex overdrive so hanging out and expecting a relaxing moment was not to be found. I have strict parents by the way, if you have not already guessed, who would not let me invite a guy over unless they were home, and I would not go over a guy's house if his parents were not home. I did not sneak around these rules by the way, because (A) I respect my parents, and (B) I did not want to have to clobber some guy for putting the moves on me, hence begins the 'uber control' phase of my life. But even with all these ground rules in place that didn't stop guys from trying something; Steve, Mike, Curtis, Jeff...to name a few friends would show up, or conveniently invite themselves over. Then try to sit next to me on the couch, waaayyyyyy too close. I'm looking down like 'my personal space is being invaded here' but I am not totally clueless, the light bulb went off when their arm would relax on the back of the sofa to try and pull me in close. Some tried a little intro line like 'Wow, you're getting really buff Corbin.' Then they move in for the kiss, or stuff like, 'You're the most beautiful girl in school.' I literally snorted and laughed out loud when I heard that the first time, hurt the guys feelings a little, but oh well. Guys are very persistent, they will try to 'get it on' anywhere and anyplace, even with my parents upstairs, for me that was very- VERY uncomfortable and rude. So I tried to steer clear of as many pitfalls as possible; just be a good, hard working student and good things will happen right? Not always, a few of those backstabbing, jealous bitches in my school cranked up the rumor mill on me. That I was a lesbian! I got a phone call one night from a friend on the gymnastics team asking me if it was true, I tried not to flip out, but that was also the first time I remember my real temper ever surfacing. I paced my room wanting to cry and go into a fit of rage all at the same time (actually thats fairly usual for me, but anyway) how humiliating! I actually had clenched my fists so tight that my knuckles had become white, then I had images of pounding someones face into a bloody mess as a means of retaliation. 'Chill - Calm down - Get a grip', I knew those girls were clever, but I knew I could outwit those conniving jerks, well maybe. The logic of their smear champaign made some sense; I was a jock and rarely ever dated, and I did not have a steady boyfriend. Heck, now that I thought about it, I couldn't ever remember having a boyfriend prior to my Senior year in High School. So like with everything I do, I sat down at my desk and made a list of guys that I think I might really like, but I was soon running out of options. My list of pros and cons was not weighing in favor of any guys at my school, this was very worrisome, is my grading scale on dating too severe? But I still wanted to be able to have an answer ready in the morning because I knew I was going to get slammed by the 'lesbian' rumors. Those gossiping bitches, they always flood the communication channels with their shit at the end of the day, allowing it to cook over night so everyone is worked up into a feeding frenzy by the next morning. You know what, forget this crap, I am packing my bags and moving to the mountains to become a happy hermit. I felt socially doomed and went to bed depressed and confused as to why I could not find a suitable boyfriend, never mind the fact that once I made my mind up, the chosen guy, would just fall all over himself to agree with my selection. That's a huge assumption on my part. Like he would choose any different? A arrogant smirk slipped out of the corner of my mouth as I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling as I imagined that I would use the direct approach; "Look dude! You are my boyfriend now, got that? Now just do as I say and no one gets hurt!" On the flip side, I knew plenty of girls at my school who played sports that were openly gay so what's the big deal? The big deal? I'll tell you the big deal, I'm NOT gay, I like guys! ********** The next day was not really all that bad, the drama of the day did not live up to the drama in my fantasies. Yes there were friends that came up to me and inquired as to what all the talk was about, but not much else. Still punishment must be dealt out for the fact I was an anxiety filled mess the night before. To just pile even more pressure and anxiety on top of things I had a gymnastic meet with a nearby High School that afternoon, so I had to get into my 'game mode', although my gymnastics career doesn't last for long. As I may have already alluded to, I can't compete with all the tiny girls that schools try to pass off for 'mature' gymnasts these days. But on the plus side I was really into lifting weights which meant I started to look very defined, which in turn meant I cut a killer figure in my leotard, especially with my full C cup boobs (freaking-fracking pain, nah not really, breasts can be a blessing and a curse, I just usually bitch about them during sports.) So now the attention from guys was going thru the roof, seems I have developed quite a following of fans. Fans Eh?...so what....fan-schmans....I never paid much attention to guys when at any sporting event, I had to stay focused and rarely made eye contact with anyone outside of my team, I was determined to stay focused, mainly out of fear of breaking my darn neck you dopes. "11:00" Stacy says from my right as I tape up my wrist, "He's checking you out, oh he is hot!" "Huh?" I say in my somewhat typical, clueless, lethargic manner, because I am not in the mood for distractions. I was actually slipping into a nice funk of a depression, now is about as good a time as any I suppose, why not spiral into a full blown, poor me, I have such a horrible life, depression right before some important competition! "Wake up silly, over there." She hisses again and tilts her head toward where the guy was standing. Irritated I mutter something like "What?" and it feels like it takes all my effort to lift my head and even look in that general direction, but all I see is a whole bunch of dorky guys staring in our direction, some of them are taking pictures now too, what the heck? I didn't give anyone permission to take my picture. Oh well, no big deal, I really don't care, just flashes of anger again. Besides I'm sure when I do a full split it's my hairdo that is the primary focus of attention, yeah sure...right...whatever. Stacy was about to further clarify whom she was talking about, but then bingo, I see him. He's standing near the opposing team, across the gym floor, and he's looking right at me, I think, I hope this is not one of those moments where you think someone is looking at you but really isn't. He does a quick smile and then looks away, hmmm, now that's a good sign. He looks back up at me and stares, smiling again I get that little flutter in my stomach and my insides feel warm for a second, wow, hot damn, now this is what I am talking about! This is the kind of reaction I have been waiting for! Oh wait a second, I hope his personality doesn't suck, it probably will since I am still clinging on to my downward slide of a depression. "Damn Corbin." Stacy leans in to whisper in my ear. So the day starts out crappy, keeps getting worse (mainly because I wanted it to in my own mind), but then ends with me feeling on top of the world. Who plans this stuff? I can't, but I'm still a little skeptical because I think someone, somewhere, must be messing with me. Yes there are greater forces at work here people. If you didn't already know that (speaking to you new folks) then your in for a pleasant bit of misery. <another sly smile>. His name is Erik and we would start dating soon after that first moment of eye-contact. He tracked me down right after the meet, because that is what guys are supposed to do, to hell with chasing any guy, he was making ga-ga eyes at me so let him do all the work. And he did. He caught up with me before I got on the bus to head home and asked for my phone number/e-mail and I gave it to him. So far so good, and his personality was nice and humble, and did I mention gorgeous? It was hilarious, all the girl's had their faces plastered to the bus windows as we talked. The fact that he went to another High School only fueled the mystery and intrigue, it also pissed off a lot of guys as I had gone 'outside our local system' to date someone, as if no one at my school was good enough. It wasn't always smooth sailing, especially in the beginning. Erik immediately broke up with his current girlfriend to start dating me, but this stuff happens, and while I would rather not be caught up in having some girl get her heart broken, I am also not going to sit on the sidelines forever. I especially wasn't at all prepared for the barrage of text messages and even calls (which I would immediately hang up) from his ex-girlfriend telling me to 'get lost' and that he was dating her exclusively. When that didn't work she started texting me he was a cheating dog, did this sort of thing all the time, and not to trust him. It was kind of amusing at first to read the things she was typing, but I just blocked everything after awhile. Why would some girl chase down another girl, tell her to get lost, all over a guy that has already left her? Or why do guys keep chasing a girl after she has already said 'not interested' or 'I am dating someone new now.' You know what? I don't want to know those answers. That realm of drama and heartache I was happy to remain out of for as long as I could. But the physical attraction to Erik was just too damn strong, I had to get into the game! And once Erik and I got more physically involved I suddenly was slapping myself on the forehead 'Look at what I have been missing!'...soft kisses that led to more intense kissing, my heart was racing, and that longing to see and touch him, and have him hold and touch me! Yeah I am slow starter where romance is concerned, very slow, but I will not get affectionate with just any guy....it must be the right guy. Oh and I am very, very picky (I have a list, it's that long)....so there is that. ***********