Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 A Year and a Day by Coeur_Minuit

   14 Feb

   Valentine's day is such a LIE.  There may have been romance and
tenderness in the world at one time, but there isn't anymore.

   Susan was right.  I've been such a goddamned IDIOT all these years,
moaning and puking about tenderness and intimacy, moping and crying and
suffering.  The pangs of loneliness that have made my life the nightmare it
is have all been manufactured right here in this defective heart.  I
thought because she and I both wanted kids that she had the same
understanding of love that I did.  What a MORON I am.  I can count on the
fingers of one hand the number of times we made love before she got
pregnant with John.  The entire time she was carrying him, I wasn't allowed
to touch her.  Not even to stroke her hair or rub her back; all touch was
strictly shunned and any attempt was punished with a fusillade of
invective. After John was born, we made love EXACTLY one more time; it was
the day after his second birthday.  I can recall that night in crystal
clear detail; the night we made Lacie.  I remember seeing myself reflected
in the mirror over her dresser, remember seeing myself pumping away,
filling her with my love, thinking to myself that things were finally going
in the right direction, that we would be sharing that kind of love all the
time from that point onward.  Goddamned IDIOT.  All she wanted was my seed.
I should have realized that, after she had spent so much time talking about
wanting a little girl.  She loved John, I know she did, but he just wasn't
the daughter she had had her heart set on.

   Lacie's been 21 for just over a month now.  I didn't even get to take
her out for the drink I promised, the bar trip I'd been looking forward to
for so many years, because she had to go hang out with her friends.  Par
for the course.  I realize now that was really more of a promise to myself
than to her.  God.  Susan was right about that, too.  I really am a selfish
bastard.  All I ever really wanted, was for me, for my own pleasure.

   Well, I'm pleased to prove her right.  My last wish.  My last thing I've
ever wanted, my last hope for myself, and I'll be damned if I'm not going
to give it to myself.  It's just taken me a while to figure out how to get
it.  But tonight, after that little scene at the old mall, it came into
view, the whole thing, it just suddenly crystalized, and now I know how I'm
going to do it.  Now I know how I'm going to kill myself.

   Starvation.  I'm going to starve myself to death.  It's going to take
months, but that's part of the beauty of it.  I don't want anybody saying I
did it in a fit of despair, that it was an act of passion, that if I had
just taken a little more time to think it through, I wouldn't have done it.
When I finally die, months and months from now, they'll have to understand.
They'll have to see that it was the action of someone who was dedicated and
passionless, a rational plan, rationally thought through.

   I really have those girls to thank for it.  I hope I get the chance to
see them again, to thank them in person, some fine day before I finally
expire.  If it hadn't been for their casual cruelty, I wouldn't have
started down this path.  It was in the terraced, carpeted conversation pit
at the old mall, under the giant wooden clock.  I had gone there to sit in
isolation, to have a good cry and think about how much I hate life.  That
section of the old mall is deserted these days; I can usually count on
solitude in that wing.  But they were there before me, sitting on the other
side of the pit, laughing and giggling and generally enjoying the delusion
that life is worth living.  I would have gone somewhere else, but I was so
depressed I didn't even care anymore.  So I just sat down there to bury my
head in my hands and think about ways to end it.  I could see they kept
looking over at me and that I seemed to be a source of great amusement to
them.  It was when one of the blondes shoved the brunette down the steps in
my direction and shouted across at me, "Hey, she wants to go out with you!
She thinks you're cute!" and the brunette hurried back up the steps and
slapped the blonde on the shoulder and hissed at her.  I tried to ignore
them, but the blonde wouldn't give it up.  She had to have her cruel laugh
on me, she just kept whistling at me and yelling, "Hey!  Hey, she thinks
you're cute!  Don't you want to ask her out?" and then collapsing in a fit
of giggling and mockery.  When they finally gave it up and walked away, I
could clearly hear them telling each other what a fat loser I am.  I know I
heard the word "fat" several times, and I was pretty sure one of the
blondes said something like "pathetic turd".

   So that's how I decided on starvation.  As they were walking away, the
only response I could think of was, "I'm sure it would please you if I
starved to death, you miserable little cunt." Of course I was too much of a
coward to say it out loud, but once the thought was in my head, I just kept
turning it over and over until it detached itself and became not just a
retort but an actual plan that I could carry out.  It's slow but sure, and
it takes a lot of pressure off me.  I don't have to worry about getting my
hands on a gun or poison or anything like that, I don't have to find a
bridge to jump off of, all I have to do is just keep living my pathetic
miserable mistake of a life until I stop breathing.  It might be hard to
start with, since eating is about the only real pleasure left for me; but
if I can just stick it out, I'll probably find that the pleasure of ending
it all will prove a worthwhile substitute.  My only regret is that I can't
take everybody else with me.  Why can't the sun just explode?  I wish the
world would just fucking end.

   2/14

   Valentine's day is such a LIE.  Romance is a big bogus load of CRAP to
sell candy and flowers and SHIT.  Any shallow silly stupid vain girl who
thinks otherwise is fooling herself.  Jimmy Vinson proved that to me.  Come
on baby, he said.  Everybody does it, he said.  It's the best way I know to
show how much I care about you, he said.  God damn him.  I let him stick
his stupid thing in me cuz I thought he was so romantic.  He brought me
flowers on the first date and earrings on the second date, and on the third
date I let him stick his STUPID GODDAMN MEATSTICK in me.  He didn't even
apologize for hurting me and making it so sore down there, but I didn't
mind because I thought he was so SWEET.  The next half dozen times he
FUCKED me weren't even dates, it was just under the bleachers or behind the
Driver's Ed trailer or in the back of his stupid pickup.  And then he
FUCKED me on my birthday, my GODDAMN SWEET SIXTEENTH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, and
then just took off when he was done, just hiked up his stupid goddamn pants
and left me laying there on my bed with his stupid goddamn sticky MESS
leaking out of me, and when I told him I missed my period and I was scared
of being preggers, that was the last GODDAMN TIME HE HAD ANYTHING TO DO
WITH ME.  He's been going out with Annie Ivo since then, and he never
returned any of my calls and he won't even look at me in the halls at
school anymore.  And even when I gave up trying to talk to him and all I
wanted to tell him was that I finally got my period, he still wouldn't even
look at me or listen to me.  GOD DAMN FUCK HIM ALL TO HELL.  GOD DAMN BOYS
and GOD DAMN SEX FUCKING and GOD DAMN ROMANCE STUPID FUCKED UP BULLSHIT
LYING ROMANCE BULLSHIT!!!  AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

   So I was in a totally shit mood when Jamie and PJ wanted to go to
Rings-n-Things at the Galleria today.  PJ was looking for heart shaped
nipple rings to go in her pierced nipples cuz Alan Barnett asked her out
tonight and she was all, "He's so awesome" and "I think he's gonna try and
do it tonight" and just cuz it's FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY she was all
fluttery and googly.  They're such airheads.  They think they're so hot but
most of the time they act like such stuck up little bimbos.  I wonder why I
hang out with them, I really do.  Cuz I don't have anybody else, I spose.
Cuz I'm ALL A-FUCKING-LONE.

   Like that one guy we saw today.  God, I hope I don't turn out like him,
sitting all alone and crying.  What am I talking about, that's exactly what
I'm doing right now.  God damn it.  After PJ got her stupid little rainbow
heart ring shit and we got sodas at the food court, she wanted to go sit
under the big clock on the other side of the mall, the creepy side with all
the closed up stores where nobody ever goes anymore, cuz she wanted to put
the nipple rings on right away and she didn't want to go in the disgusting
mall bathroom to do it.  So we went over there, and like usual, nobody else
was around, so she had Jamie and me keep watch to make sure nobody was
coming, and she unbuttoned her shirt and unhooked her bra and and after she
got them put in, they did look pretty cool, but it was HEARTS, little
sparkly RAINBOW HEARTS, on GODDAMN VALENTINE'S DAY, so FUCK IT anyway. 
Anyway, after she got them in and got her bra and shirt back on again, we
were just sitting there, and this guy comes in and sits down on the other
side of the clock from us.  He was dressed like he just came from work or
something, he had this black coat on that was almost kinda cool, like a
trenchcoat or something, and he just looked us at kinda funny, and then he
sat down and put his head in his hands and just sat there and didn't look
at us again.  He was old, older than dad even, like maybe 50 or something,
and he was big, real big, even fat I guess, but that's mean to say, and he
seemed so sad, he might have even been crying, I couldn't tell for sure,
but his face did look kinda wet.  And I just got this heavy feeling in my
chest, kinda like a heartache or something, and my throat got kinda heavy,
like my heart was trying to climb up in it or something, and all of a
sudden I was real sad for him, cuz he looked so sad and like he was crying
maybe.  Big fucking mistake.  Jamie and PJ both picked up on it and started
giving me all kinds of shit, like pushing my shoulders and taunting me,
saying I was gross for getting all mooshy and like what the fuck was wrong
with me, was I fucking crazy or what, and I tried to explain that I just
felt sorry for this guy, and they were like, "that old fat dude, oh my GOD
SICK you are so SICK", riffing on me and teasing me, except meaner than
teasing, they kept saying shit like I should go over and ask him for a
date, and making fun of how fat he was and saying he probably had a tiny
little dick and couldn't get anybody to fuck him, and Jamie, that little
BITCH, started in on how since I didn't have a boyfriend since I dumped
Jimmy (how could she say that, the heartless little BITCH), that I should
go over and talk to him and see if I could get him excited, and then she
pushed me down the steps at him and started shouting at him that I wanted
to go out on a date with him.  I was so pissed that I just walked away, in
the opposite direction of the fat guy...  I mean, the old guy...  I mean,
the guy...  God damn it.  Damn those idiots.  Now it's 11 o'clock on
Valentine's night and PJ's probably getting her rainbowy hearty tits fucked
by goddamn Alan and Jamie's probably sucking off the whole goddamn football
team and here I am laying on my bed and crying and all I can think about is
that old guy crying.  God damn everybody.  I wish the world would just
fucking end.

   2/26

   So dad said I have to start thinking about college more.  He said it's
almost too late, that I shoulda started thinking about it last year.  Of
course, when he says "thinking about college", what he really means is
"stashing as much cash as I can cuz he's not gonna be able to pay for any
of it for me".  Which is cool, I understand, I really do, but I wish he
could just come right out and say it.  I know we're hurting for cash.  I
know he's upset all the time about money since his hours got cut back at
work.  He's so sad and tired anymore, he just sits in his study all the
time and looks at bills and stares out the window.  And I thought about
Jamie getting that job at her uncle's carpet cleaning company, and how
unfair it was, cuz she didn't need to even try, like all she had to do was
ask her uncle, and presto!  she had the job, like it was just there waiting
for her.  Or like he maybe even just invented the job out of thin air just
to have a job to give her.  And I have to listen to her talk it up, just
laying it on thick about how she doesn't have to do any real work, all she
has to do is take papers from the installers when they come in from laying
carpet and scan 'em into the computer and then file the papers away in
these big gray filing cabinets.  Of course she says "laying carpet" like
she's telling some big goddamn joke, like all these guys do when they go
out on jobs is fuck lonely housewives or something, and I asked her how
many times they'd laid her carpet, and she got real quiet and wouldn't talk
anymore about it.  So I don't know what the fuck's up with that, she
probably is getting groped and fingered and FUCKED by greasy sweaty smelly
guys in overalls, but you know what?  I don't give a good God damn.  I
don't wanna know.

   So anyway I went down to Sav-Rite, and the help wanted sign that they
had up last week wasn't up there anymore, but I went to the front desk and
applied anyway, and I almost got out of there before some manager came up
and put his arm around me (YUCK!) and took me in a back room and leaned in
real close (YUCK!  YUCK!) and breathed his horrible salami breath all over
me (YUCK!  YUCK!  YUCK!) and asked me about a zillion questions like, what
would I do if a customer got real mad at me, and how would I handle it if a
customer insisted an item was on sale when it really wasn't, and did I mind
working the crap shifts, like until 2 AM on a school night, just a bunch of
shit like that.  And I must have answered everything the right way, cuz he
handed me a shirt and said to come in the next day to start training and
he'd have a name tag ready for me.  So I went home and told dad, and he was
so proud of me and pulled me on his lap and hugged me real close and called
me his poopsiekins like he used to do when I was a little girl, and he even
cried a little bit.  I think he must of been drinking, I could smell like
beer or something on his breath, but I didn't mind, cuz God, it felt so
nice, just so warm and fuzzy when I was in his arms, it's been soooo long
since he hugged me, for a few minutes there I really was his little
poopsiekins again, and I started to cry a little bit myself, but then it
was over and he was off in his own world again.  Oh well, it was nice while
it lasted.

   3/2

   Working at Sav-Rite sucks ASS!!!  The manager is Mr.  Slubotkin.  He
told me to call him Gary, but no way am I getting that familiar with his
sorry greasy ass.  He had me shadow one of the other checkers, it was this
older lady named Helena, she was like 30 or something but she's real pretty
and real nice, she smelled good too, she took her time and made sure I
understood everything she was doing, and I was picking it up pretty good,
so then Slubotkin came over and said he thought I was ready to go on my own
already, and he leaned in real close and his hand was all over my back,
like rubbing up and down, and then he had his hand on my shoulder, like he
thought he had to guide me around or something, and I could see his
disgusting THING sticking out in his pants and I was like, OMG, so fucking
GROSS, this nozzle wants to FUCK me, but after he got me checked out with a
cash drawer and set up on my own register, Helena came over and she was
laughing kinda quietly and she told me not to worry, he does that with all
the new ones.  She said his bark is worse than his bite, he doesn't even
have a bite, he's just horny all the time but he never does anything about
it, so don't worry, just grit my teeth and smile.  She's so nice, she's the
only nice part of the entire place.  So then I was on my own checking for
the rest of the day, and it was okay for the most part, but I kept running
into stuff I didn't know, like what's the code for red grapes and how do
you get the scanner to read those wrinkled up wrappers on Choco-zooms and
just shit like that, and I kept turning around to ask Helena, but half the
time she was busy with stuff, and people get so impatient when you don't
know what you're doing, they huff and puff and look crosseyed at you and I
felt so stupid and it just sucks ASS.  And Slubotkin kept coming over and
coaching me, telling me how to do it, but half the time he said stuff that
was different than what Helena said, I think he doesn't know as much as he
thinks he does, and he just stands so goddamn CLOSE, I swear he was
sniffing my hair, and he had his hand on my waist, and then on my hip, and
one time I swear I even felt his stiff weiner poking me in the butt, I
almost SCREAMED, but I thought about dad sitting at home buried in bills,
and I gritted my teeth like Helena said and I tried to smile at him, and
thank GOD he finally went away.  There's gotta be a better way to make
money than this shit.

   3 Mar

   Duane.  My best friend, my hetero life partner.  Why can't I make him
understand?  Why can't I get him to see that I deserve this shit?  I told
him about my plan to starve myself to death, and he at least understood my
death wish.  I knew he wouldn't fight me over that.  But he thinks I'm
doing it for the wrong reason.  He puts all the blame on Susan.  All he can
see is that I allowed Susan to run me into the ground, to grind me under
her heel until there was nothing left.  He even offered to kill her for me,
to release me from my servitude.  It was an offer made in jest, I'm sure,
but since he's a cop, I couldn't help but feel a little chilled by it.  He
can't understand why I've stayed in this loveless marriage.  He can't
understand that I deserve all this misery and loneliness because of what I
did to Liz.

   Liz.  I'm so sorry, angelic creature.  So, so sorry.  You wanted the
baby so bad, and I couldn't understand it at the time.  I was so blind, so
ignorant.  All the time I tried to talk you into wanting the abortion,
tried to talk you into not wanting the baby, and all you could do was talk
about how smart you thought the baby was going to be, because it was my
baby.  You thought I was smart.  If I was so smart, then why did I try to
strongarm you into aborting the only thing that gave you any joy in life
after I turned so savagely on you?

   It was nice to see Duane again, anyway.  It's been so long.  God
almighty, has it really been five years since we sat down over pizza and
beer like we did last night?  I wish I hadn't let him guilt me into eating
that slice of pepperoni.  My body was finally starting to settle into the
prolonged fast.  Funny, I've actually had more energy and felt a lot
stronger in the last few days.  I suppose it was a natural result of
cleaning most of the crap out of my system, but now that that's out of the
way, I can get down to the business of actually starving myself to death.
If only I hadn't slipped and eaten that damned pizza with Duane last night.
God, it tasted so good going down, like manna from Heaven, I couldn't help
myself and I ate a second piece without even thinking about it.  Afterward
I was so bloated and stuffed I felt like I was going to explode.

   Hmmm.  Maybe that's a quicker way out.  Maybe if I starve enough to
shrink my belly, I mean just really shrivel it down, then sit down and eat
a five-course Italian dinner in five minutes, I could make my stomach
literally explode...  no, that sounds painful, and I'm not in this for the
pain.  I'm just a big damn coward who wants to exit as cleanly and
PAINLESSLY as I can.  Best stick to the original plan.

   Lacie came home from college again this weekend.  Third time this
semester.  "Here's my laundry dad, see you later, going out with the girls
tonight." And like the good little milktoast I am, I dutifully loaded the
washer.  She's got some new underwear since the last time, little frilly
black things with some lime green cartoon character on the crotch.  Looks
like a dog with a zipper down his front, riding a pig and eating a cupcake.
What the hell.

   Susan sent me to Sav-Rite tonight for hamburger and taco seasoning and
taco shells and shredded cheese.  She thinks that after I cooked the food
and brought her a plate in bed like usual, that I ate alone in the kitchen,
like I have so many many many nights in the past.  She hasn't realized it
yet, she hasn't seen that I've stopped eating altogether.  How unutterably
typical.

   There's a new checkout girl at Sav-Rite.  Looks a little familiar,
somehow, like I've seen her somewhere before.  She's not one of Lacie's
friends, I'm sure of that.  Nametag said Barb.  She's got brown hair and
brown eyes and a smile that rides up a little higher on one side of her
face than the other.  Adorable, really.  Why does she seem familiar?  Maybe
it's just because she's so cute, in a real off-the-wall sort of way, and
I'm having one of my usual self-deluding fantasies.  I even took off my
ring before I got to the register.  Now why in the hell would I do that? 
It was a pretty simple exchange, the total was $9.23 so I handed her a
twenty, and she was flustered, nervous, she kept dropping the change, she
had to bend over to pick it up off the floor, and God help me, I leaned
over to look at her backside when she did.  I could see the outline of her
panties through her pants and it made me wonder if there was a cartoon
character on the front, and suddenly I wanted to see for myself, I wanted
to pull her pants down and take a good long look, before I caught up short
and gave myself a mental slap to the face.

   Jesus.  What the hell am I thinking?  What in the hell is wrong with me?
I don't care for young girls.  I'm not a dirty old man.  Am I?  I don't
even care for females, period.  I'm done with desire and pain and longing
and regret and all that noise, remember?  All I care about is checking out,
leaving this vale of tears behind me.

   3/3

   OMG.  Worst.  Day.  Ever.  So that ASSCLOWN Mr.  Stettler makes me stay
after class for 15 minutes to do extra credit to make up for the paper I
turned in too late, I begged him could I do it some other day but he said
no, this was the only time he had available, so I missed the bus after
school.  So then I called PJ to see if she could give me a ride, and she
was super bitchy about it, she came and picked me up but I had to listen to
her moaning and wailing about Alan Barnett, she was so proud of her nipple
rings cuz he oohed and aahed over them and she let him titfuck her and he
titfucked her like two more times since then and he wanted to fuck her for
real and she told him she wasn't ready just yet, but she really did want
him to fuck her but she was just trying to get him good and hot, like it
was a tease game or something, but it backfired on her cuz he thought he
wasn't gonna get to fuck her so he went and fucked that big slut Janelle
instead and now she thinks it's the end of the fucking world.  Jesus.  So
after having to listen to that steaming pile of drama, then I was late to
work at Sav-Rite, and that fucking ASSHOLE Slubotkin comes over and says he
wants to make sure I know that even though I was 22 minutes late, he has to
dock me the whole half-hour cuz that's the way the system works, and he
hopes I know that I need to be on time from now on, but not to worry, he's
not mad or anything, and I swear to god the STUPID FUCK TRIED TO HUG ME, I
mean he put his goddamn arm around me and pulled me in close and squeezed
me and I know he was trying to feel my boobs, and he had a GODDAMN HARDON
THE WHOLE GODDAMN TIME, and I was like JESUS GODDAMN CHRIST GET THE FUCK
AWAY FROM ME YOU GREASY FUCKING ASSCLOWN!!!  But I didn't say anything, I
just got my cash drawer and went to work.  And who do you think shows up in
my line?  That stupid fucking Jimmy Vinson.  And he said he was sorry for
dumping me like that and he made a mistake and he wanted me back, but I
wouldn't listen to him, I was so pissed that he thought he could just walk
right up like that.  And he was trying to buy beer, and I was like, ha ha
fuck you, and I told him if he thought he could get me to ring up beer for
him just cuz I let him fuck me then he had another fucking think coming,
and to get the fuck out.  And he pulled out this driver's license, it
looked fake to me, the DOB/DDN said he turned 18 like 3 months ago, and
then that stupid fucker Slubotkin comes over and he's all like, what's the
problem, and Jimmy showed him the license, and Slubotkin muscled in and
took over my register and rang up his fucking Labatt's and smiled his
greasy goddamn smile at Jimmy and said to have a nice day, and he gave me a
squeeze on the shoulder before he walked away, and Jimmy took the beer and
just looked me up and down and said he still wanted me, but he said it like
he was doing me some huge fucking favor, and he shook the beer at me as he
was walking out.  I was so mad I was shaking all over.

   And then HE came in.  I was like, OMG, I couldn't believe it.  I didn't
recognize him at first, but then I recognized the black coat, and then I
looked at his face and it was HIM, it was the guy at the Galleria, the old
crying guy from Valentine's day.  I didn't think he remembered me, but the
way he smiled at me, it seemed like maybe he did.  And it was such a nice
smile, it was kinda sad but it was so warm, he has these little crinkly
lines around his eyes that get a lot bigger when he smiles, and he was
kinda chubby, but not really fat, and he didn't look so old as I thought
before.  And he was TALL, I mean he must of been 4 or 5 inches taller than
dad, I had to look up at him.  And I noticed he wasn't wearing a wedding
ring, and then I thought, OMG, what the hell am I doing, looking at this
old guy's hand to see if he's married or not, and I got so nervous that I
dropped his change, some of it rolled under the checkstand and I had to get
down on my hands and knees to dig it out, I must of looked like a FUCKING
IDIOT, I felt so stupid, I just wanted to crawl away and disappear, but he
was so nice about it, he just smiled even bigger at me, and when I handed
him the change, he touched my hand for about a second longer than he really
had to.  Maybe that part was my imagination, but I could feel the tips of
his fingers rubbing against the palm of my hand, almost like romantic or
something, and I thought, how nice to be grown up, and not be a fucking
stupid little PECKERWOOD like Jimmy.  And I almost said something to him, I
almost said it was nice to see him smiling and not crying and I was glad
that whatever made him so sad wasn't making him sad anymore, and I did, I
started to blurt it out, but I chickened out at the last second and changed
it to "have a nice day", and he smiled even bigger when I did, and he said,
"I will if you will," and he FUCKING WINKED AT ME!!!  And my heart was
going like a mile a minute, cuz he was so nice, he wasn't an ASSHOLE like
Jimmy or Mr.  Stettler or FUCKING GODDAMN SLUBOTKIN, and it was like, maybe
there really are nice guys in the world, only why did he have to be so OLD?

   7 Mar

   Okay, so obviously I didn't think this all the way through.  Wow, that's
a shock; me just jumping ass-over-teakettle into a situation and not having
any idea of the ramifications.  That's never happened to me before, only
about a million times, it's only my damn life story.  But that doesn't mean
I'm not going to stick with it.  I just have to amend my expectations and
my attack.

   For one thing, Susan has finally noticed.  Well, she hasn't noticed that
I've stopped eating, per se; but she has remarked that it looks like I'm
losing weight.  Of course, starvation never even crossed her mind as a
reason, all she knows is that my face looks thinner.  She asked if I was on
a specific diet.  I knew I'd be safe telling her it was the Bobby Sands
diet, so I did.  She doesn't remember who Bobby Sands was.  Nobody does. 
One of the things that's always separated us; my penchant for remembering
obscure, useless trivia that makes no difference to anybody and has no
impact on anybody's life.  Maybe she would have caught on if I'd said it
was the Ghandi diet.  No, of course not, she wouldn't have been an iota
closer to getting that one either.  I almost laughed in her face when she
said it's been good for me and that I should keep it up.  She didn't have a
damn clue what she was saying, telling me to keep starving myself to death.
Ha.

   I know Susan won't miss me when I'm gone.  She'll miss her status as a
married woman, she'll probably resent her status as a widow; she'll miss me
as the live-in cook and housekeeper and launderer, but the MAN?  The real
human being that I think of as ME?  She won't miss me at all.  She doesn't
even know I'm there now, so there'll be nothing to miss once I'm gone;
nothing of the hopes and dreams and disappointments and lusts and loves and
desires and regrets and fears and plans and schemes...  John won't miss me,
he hasn't had any use for me since high school.  When I co-signed on his
car loan; that's the last time I can point to where he had any need for me
at all.  Lacie...  well, she might miss me, but I have to think it will be
more like the regret of someone who sells their childhood stuffed animals
by mistake at a garage sale; there will probably be a few pangs of regret,
of nostalgia for past times, but I can't seriously think that my absence
will in any way impede her daily progress.  She's got her life set the way
she wants it, and it hasn't included me for a while now.  Duane...  he
might miss me, but I doubt it.  Except for that outing a few nights ago,
it's been literally years between run-ins with him.  He's got his own life,
that he values as little as I value mine.  Good old Duane; I knew he
wouldn't try to talk me out of it.  Him, I would stick around for.  If, by
some miracle, Susan suddenly changed her mind and decided he wasn't an
asshole and said it was okay for me to spend time with him; him, I would
stick around for.

   The other thing that's been troublesome, that I didn't foresee, that I
should have, was the chemistry.  I've obviously fucked up my blood sugar or
something.  I was in a team meeting today and one of the managers wanted to
use the projector to show some damned spreadsheet or something equally
useless.  She couldn't get logged in on the conference room PC, so I went
over to the cabinet where the tower was, I was squatting on my haunches to
check the connections, and when I stood up, suddenly I got this tingling
sensation in the back of my skull, between my ears; it was like a roaring
noise, and my head felt hot and prickly and my vision started to fuzz out;
the next thing I knew, I was laying on my back with a sharp pain in my
elbow, looking up at a bunch of concerned faces staring down at me.  I
guess I must have passed out.  Some of them wanted to call an ambulance;
somehow I managed to talk them out of it, but I couldn't get away with it
completely, because Annette INSISTED I go to the health office; she made a
huge issue out of it and wouldn't let it rest until I agreed.  Of course I
didn't go, because I didn't want to risk them figuring out the real reason
I passed out, so I hung out in the men's room for about fifteen minutes
before going back and giving Annette some song-and-dance about the nurse
advising me to cut back on some medication I was taking.  That satisfied
her, but obviously I can't have too many more occurrences like that, for
fear of winding up in a hospital bed somewhere with an intravenous tube
force-feeding me and wrecking my suicide, and having to waste useless
months talking to some damn psychiatrist.  So I'll keep to the original
plan as best I can, but I'll have to take in just enough nutrition to keep
my blood sugar from betraying me.  God damn it.

   So I figured I'd stock up on eggs and shaved turkey.  Lots of protein
there, right?  Enough to keep this traitorous body moving around, to keep
suspicion at bay while I go about the process of killing it.  So I went to
Sav-Rite after work to get some, and the new checker Barb was there,
working the express lane.  God, she was so adorable, I just wanted to pick
her up and stick her in my pocket and take her home, and take her out and
put her up on a shelf somewhere, so I could just look at her and look at
her and look at her.  She's a damn pixie, I swear, the way her smile lifts
up higher on one side, and the way her hair is cut; not too short, not too
long, but in between, just right, her hair is so straight and brown and it
comes down just past her shoulders and stops there...  the way she moves,
the way she holds her head...  I stood there in the cereal aisle for maybe
fifteen minutes, just watching her as she checked out customers...  it
wasn't sexual at all, I wasn't lusting after her tits or ass, I was just
fascinated...  enamored by her waifness...  God, what's wrong with me?  Why
am I acting like a starry-eyed adolescent?  It can't be love, I don't know
the first thing about her.  What am I DOING?  This is not the behavior of a
suicidal loser.  A loser, maybe, but not a suicidal one.  When I finally
roused myself from my stupor, as I approached the express lane, right when
I got there and laid my eggs and turkey on the belt, I suddenly realized I
didn't have my ring on again, and I panicked because I didn't know where it
was.  While Barb was checking the customer in front of me, I was doing a
furious pat-and-search of all my pockets, and finally found the ring in my
left hip pocket.  It was so bizarre, I have no conscious memory of taking
the ring off, but I must have, because there it was.  And I didn't put it
back on, I just left there in the pocket.  And then it was my turn, and
there I was, getting my purchases rung up, and she kept giving me all these
shy smiles and then looking down, but then she looked up again, right at
me, and she put her hand on the back of her neck and grinned, and it was so
sweet I nearly swooned, and she told me the total, and then in a rush, in a
literal explosion of breath, she told me I was looking good today and said
whatever I was doing, it was working.  And then she got so shy again, she
started blushing like crazy and looking down at the register.  So I said
thanks, I would keep it up, and I thanked her for noticing, and all the
while I was SCREAMING at myself because I was thanking a CHILD for
COMPLIMENTING me on KILLING MYSELF.  I didn't need any cash, I had plenty,
but I used the debit card anyway, just so I could get $20 cash back, so I
could prolong the exchange a few seconds longer.  And when she handed me
the $20, she dropped it on the belt, and she said something like "whoops,
sorry, i'm such a klutz", and she picked it up and put it in my hand, but
she used BOTH HANDS to do it; put the bill in my hand with her left hand,
and put her right hand on the back of my hand, so for a second there she
had my hand sandwiched between both of hers.  Her hands were so cool, cold
even, like two icy gloves, but it felt so good, the skin-to-skin contact,
just to be able to feel the caress of another human being...  the touch of
a woman's hand...  GOD!  What what what!?!  Was she just doing it to make
sure the bill didn't slip again, was she just doing it to make sure I held
onto it?  Or did it mean something more?  When I thanked her, she was so
demure, she kept ducking her head down like she couldn't look at me, and I
turned into a goddamn zombie, I walked right into a shopping cart on the
way out because I kept looking back at her.  And when I got to the car, I
stuck the receipt in my wallet...  because it has her name on it, at the
bottom; "Cashier: 0108 Name: Barb F".  Why?  So I can pull it out and look
at it and think about her when I'm alone?  What the HELL?  What is FUCKING
WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

   Maybe I'm going about this all wrong.  Maybe I do need to just get a
fucking gun and stick it in my goddamn mouth.  Leave it to me to fuck up my
own suicide.

   3/7

   Oh.  My.  God.  He came in again today, the guy, the crying guy from the
mall, and he used his debit card, which is how I found out his name is
Steve Porter.  He's not as chubby as I thought he was at first, or he must
be losing weight or something, because his face looks thinner than I
remembered.  And the way he was looking at me, it was like I was the only
other person in the whole world.  His eyes are so BLUE, they just sparkle
and shine, it's like I was looking at little blue stars or something, and
the way his face crinkles up when he smiles, it's just so...  Jesus, I
don't know...  and when he laughs, it's so warm and deep, and it feels so
good to hear it, like he was never sad at all, like he's this contented
happy guy who doesn't have a care in the world...  like whatever was making
him cry when he was at the mall has completely disappeared, like life is
just treating him right or something.  And I was such a fucking IDIOT, I
know I was babbling like a goddamn RETARD or something, what the FUCK is
wrong with me?  This guy is so old, he's gotta be older than dad.  My hands
were shaking when I handed him his change, and I dropped the money, and
when I picked it up to hand it back to him, I couldn't help myself, I just
needed to hold his hand for a second, and I did, I mean I just grabbed onto
his hand with both of mine, I was pretending like I was making sure I
didn't drop the money again, but really I just wanted to cop a feel.  GOD
DAMN!?!  DID I JUST FUCKING SAY THAT?!?  I wanted to cop a feel of an old
fat guy?!?  PJ and Jamie were right, I must be out of my FUCKING MIND.  But
if they could just look into his eyes for a few seconds, they'd see... 
they'd see...  no, fuck it, they're right, I must be mentally ill or
something.  I'd better go talk to the school shrink or something.

   Fucking Slubotkin.  He's still watching me like a fucking hawk.  He came
over later, it must of been maybe like 30 or 40 minutes after Steve left,
and he was all like, who was that, your uncle?  And I'm like, my who?  cuz
I didn't know what he was talking about at first, and he was like, that guy
you were wasting all those smiles on, the guy in the black coat, and I came
THAT CLOSE to losing it, I almost spit in his face, I mean seriously
literally really almost hocked up a big loogie and SPIT IT IN HIS GREASY
GODDAMN SALAMI-STINKING GOB, but I kept a lid on it, I kept my mouth shut,
but I couldn't say anything cuz I was so ANGRY, I just stared him down, and
he let go of my waist and went back to the office.  And then Helena came
over, and she was like, oh my GOD girl, what did he say to you, you were
staring poison daggers at him, if you'd had a knife in your hand, we'd be
going to his funeral tomorrow.  And I didn't know if I was going to laugh
or cry, I was shaking all over, and finally I managed to turn it into a
laugh and said I had just about enough of his groping me.  And Helena
smiled real sweet like she always does and she was shaking her head and she
said that she didn't think I'd have to worry about that anymore, anytime
she's seen someone looking at Slubotkin like that, he always backs off and
leaves them alone.  And I was like, I wish I'd of known that a week ago,
and she was like, no, it had to be real, you had to have it coming from the
gut, you had to be mad enough to actually want to stick a knife in his
ribs, or else he wouldn't of taken the hint.  And she hugged me and said,
welcome to the club sister.  Huh.  Getting hugged by her was about a
million billion times better than getting hugged by Slubotkin.

   I wonder what it feels like to hug Steve?  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! 
That's it, I'm going to see the school shrink for sure.

   10 Mar

   I don't remember my dreams anymore.  Not for years and years.  I just
don't, I literally don't remember any of my dreams at all, when I wake up,
I'm just waking up from a big blank.

   Which is what makes it all the more outrageous that I'm remembering them
now.  For the second day in a row, when I get up, I have a complete record
of the last thing I dreamed of before waking up.  Do I even need to say who
I'm dreaming about?

   Yesterday's dream was like some kind of Victorian set piece.  We were in
a rowboat on a lake somewhere, surrounded by huge yellow and white and
purple flowers.  I was rowing part of the time, and the rest of the time we
were just drifting.  I don't remember what I was wearing, but I remember
Barb's outfit with crystal clarity.  She was wearing a yellow hat and
dress, the hat was one of those huge swooping things that just goes up and
up and up, dripping with lace and feathers and flowers and such; and the
dress had huge gathers of lace around the neck, with a plunging neckline
that displayed her cleavage to magnificent effect.  Isn't that ridiculous?
I've never even seen her cleavage in real life, I don't even know if she
has cleavage; all I've ever seen her wearing is that ratty black and orange
Sav-Rite polo that she keeps buttoned all the way to the top.  But in the
dream, there it was, her Victorian bosom, serene and shining in the strange
dream-light that was being reflected from every surface around us.  She was
talking to me, but I couldn't hear anything she was saying.  I kept
straining to hear her, I was leaning forward in the boat and making it rock
back and forth dangerously; I was afraid the whole time that I might tip
the boat over and dump us both in the water.  And she was still talking the
whole time, I could hear her voice, the sound of her syllables falling from
her lips, but I couldn't divine any sense from them, I didn't know what she
was saying.  Right as we were drifting under a bridge, there was a shout
from above, and I looked up to see a policeman standing on the bridge, he
was pointing a nightstick at me and yelling, demanding to know what I was
doing with the young lady, telling me I'd better get her to the shore right
away so he could get her away from me.  It struck me that he thought I was
some kind of child molester, and I was trying to tell him she wasn't a
child; I was gesturing at her cleavage, without trying to make it obvious
that's what I was doing, but Barb saw me gesturing, and she undid some kind
of zipper thing on the side of the dress and pulled it down, and suddenly I
was looking at two perfectly formed breasts shining in the light, and the
policeman was just screeching and screaming; and then his screaming turned
into the alarm clock, and it was six-goddamn-o'clock, time to get up and go
to fucking work.

   Then there was this morning's dream.  We were in a cabin in the
mountains somewhere, and there were a bunch of kids with us.  At one point
they might have been smaller, like grade school maybe, but at another point
it seemed like they were a little older, like junior high.  We were there
as chaperones or something, like we were supposed to be tending to them on
a school trip.  The cabin was huge, with multiple rooms, almost like a
suite of rooms at a hotel, and we had to herd the boys into one room and
the girls into another, but they kept slipping out and mingling in the
center living-room-type area.  And Barb was trying to tell me something,
she kept taking my hand and trying to pull me into one of the bedrooms
attached to the center living room.  And she did, we went into a little
bedroom and sat on the bed, and then suddenly she was on my lap and hugging
me real close, telling me she was scared of something and begging me to
protect her.  I was putting my hands all over her back, I wanted to move
further down and put my hands on her butt, but I didn't dare, because it
felt like I would be taking advantage of her trust.  She just kept hugging
me and pressing herself up against me, and I could feel her breasts
pressing into my chest, and I was getting an erection and getting nervous,
worrying what she would think of me for getting aroused when she was asking
me to protect her.  And then she started slipping off my lap, I was afraid
she was going to fall off and land on the floor, so I put my hands on her
butt to stop her from sliding down any further, and it didn't seem like it
bothered her, she just kept hugging me tight and asking me to not let go,
and then suddenly we were surrounded by the kids that we were supposed to
be keeping an eye on, and I knew I should let go of her butt, but I
couldn't, I was holding on for dear life.  The next thing I knew Susan was
yelling at me that it was 6:45 and I was going to be late for work.

   What is going on?  I wish I could go see the EAP counsellor at work, but
it probably wouldn't do any good describing my dreams if I didn't include
the fact that I'm starving myself to death, and then where would I be? 
What is my traitorous brain doing to me?  Why is it trying to trick me into
thinking that I'm falling in love with a grocery checker who's young enough
to be my daughter?  Is this some kind of twisted self-preservation
mechanism?  Am I really that close to winning, to killing myself, that my
subconscious has to resort to this straw-grasping maneuver?

   Okay, I have to nip this in the bud.  Tomorrow, I'm going to talk to
her; I mean, really, seriously, absolutely talk to her; I'm going to find
out when she gets off work, and see if she'll meet me somewhere to talk.  I
need to scare her, I mean just give her a good fright, make her so
absolutely disgusted with me that I'll see the hatred and fear in her eyes
every time she looks at me, and I'll be so humiliated and ashamed of myself
that I'll have no choice but to slink off to another checker every time to
ring up my groceries; and we'll look at each other with lingering suspicion
and paranoia, and that will be that.  Yes, good plan.  I am so clever. 
HAH!

   3/12

   Kill me.  Please just kill me, I don't want to live through any more of
this shit.  I can't concentrate in school anymore, I don't even know where
I am or what I'm doing half the time.

   I didn't go see the school shrink like I said I was going to.  I was too
nervous; I've never seen a psychiatrist or psychologist or whatever the
fuck he is before, I had this idea that I was going to be laying on a couch
or something and being asked a bunch of goddamn pointless questions about
my childhood, like that has anything to do with anything.  And then I
remembered that Jamie went to see a shrink, only not through school, it was
through her dad's work or something, like some kind of program that his job
pays for, for employees and families, that need counseling.  So I asked
Jamie about it, cuz I wanted to know what to expect.  BIG MISTAKE.  She
told me a little bit about it, like how she had to go sit in this lady's
office, it wasn't laying down on a couch or anything, it was just sitting
in a regular chair.  She had to go cuz her mom caught her sucking off Mr.
Peterson behind the concession stand at the homecoming game, and they got
in a huge-ass fight about it, and she slipped and told her mom that she's
sucked off like a hundred guys, and when her mom was able to breathe again,
the first thing she said was that she had to go see a counselor, so then of
course Jamie said, oh goody, another cock to suck, so then her mom made
sure it was a woman shrink.  Then Jamie wanted to know why I was asking,
and I said no reason, I was just curious.  Of course she didn't buy that,
she figured out right away that I was asking for myself, and she wouldn't
let it FUCKING REST, she just kept hounding me and hounding me and just
kept digging and digging and digging and finally I just kind of exploded
and said, "It's about a guy, okay?  It's just this guy I can't ever be with
and I can't get him out of my FUCKING HEAD", and then I wanted to rip my
tongue out or blow my brains out or something, cuz that was like opening
the WHOLE GODDAMN BARREL OF WORMS cuz she had to know EVERYTHING, but then
I was literally saved by the bell, lunch was over and we had to go to
class, but of course she and PJ cornered me after school and shoved me in
PJ's car and drove over to the mall parking lot and they wouldn't let me
get out of the car, they just kept badgering me and asking asking GODDAMN
ASKING ALL THESE GODDAMN QUESTIONS, like who is it, do we know him, is he a
junior or a senior or a teacher, and goddamn PJ was like, I'll bet he's a
janitor, and they were like, did you suck him?  did you fuck him?  does he
have a car?  does he have a job?  what does he look like?  does he have a
girlfriend?  where did you meet him?  where do you see him?  how often do
you see him?  does he know how you feel?  what have you told him?  and on
and on and on and on and GODDAMN FUCKING ON UNTIL I LOST MY FUCKING MIND
and I screamed that it was the old fat crying guy from the mall.  And that
shut them up for a few seconds, and they were like, what?  who?  And I had
to remind them, I said remember on Valentine's day, PJ, when you got those
rainbow heart nipple rings and we went to the clock part of the mall and
you guys were yelling at that crying guy that I wanted to go on a date with
him, and then they both remembered, and they were like staring at me funny,
and then Jamie said, fine, don't tell us who it is, if you want to keep it
to yourself that's okay, but don't say ridiculous shit like that and insult
our intelligence.  And we went in the mall, and it seemed like they were
cool with me after that, but they still couldn't quite let it go, cuz we
wound up back at the clock and they were saying shit like, maybe he'll come
back, your big fat huggy teddy bear, tiny-dick pigass loser.  But they
finally got the idea that they took it too far, cuz I just started crying
and saying Fuck you, so they said they were sorry, but it was too late, the
day was ruined, so they just took me home and said, see you tomorrow.

   So that was yesterday, then today I tried to make an appointment with
the shrink, but he was GONE ON VACATION!  I mean, what the HELL?  How can
they not have a shrink there every day, in case somebody suddenly flips out
or something?  So I schlepped through the rest of the day, and Jamie and PJ
were decent to me, they didn't bring up yesterday or anything, and PJ even
gave me a ride home.  And I changed and went to work, and Slubotkin was
actually decent to me, he said I was doing such a good job that I might
even get my first bump-up raise after 30 days instead of 60 days, and he
didn't even touch me, he told me that from a good ten feet away, in front
of Helena and Frank and Agnes and all the other checkers.  And that
actually made me feel good for a change, and the only thing that could have
made it better would be seeing Steve again, and getting to tell him what
Slubotkin said.  So of course he never came in.  And I kept checking
groceries after my shift was over, I stayed and kept checking for an extra
45 minutes, hoping I'd get to see him, and he never showed.  And that just
let the air out of everything, and I was cursing myself for being so
stupid, of course he doesn't feel the way I do, he's an old guy and he's
probably got a girlfriend, or maybe even divorced and has kids or
something, I'm just a stupid little kid to him, I built myself up over
NOTHING, I told PJ and Jamie the truth for NOTHING, thank god they didn't
believe me, but I was so let down that I just went home and cried and cried
and cried.

   Why can't I just be FUCKING NORMAL?!?  Why can't I just like guys from
school the way PJ does?  Why can't I be happy sucking a lot of cocks the
way Jamie does?  She's happy being the blowjob queen, maybe I could ask her
to teach me to be the blowjob princess or something.  Maybe I should just
go back to Jimmy fucking Vinson and tell him I'm sorry for being such a
bitch to him and just let him fuck me all to hell.

   Or maybe I should just jump off a fucking bridge and end it all.  Then
dad won't have to worry about paying for college and PJ and Jamie won't
have to worry about being friends with a loser who likes old guys and Steve
won't have to worry about having a stupid baby slobbering all over him and
dreaming about him.

   Maybe I'll wait and give the shrink a try.  But what if he says there's
really something wrong with me?

   13 Mar

   I'm trying.  I swear to God I'm trying.  Facing my death was the easy
part.  It's like my fatigue, my mortal exhaustion, decided the issue for
me, like deciding to die was almost an afterthought.  But talking to the
girl...  deciding to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with a real
live breathing woman, THAT'S the hard part, the terrifying part.  It's
like, on a scale of 1 to 10, the decision to die was a 1 and the decision
to spill my deepest private feelings to the cutest sweetest girl I've ever
seen is a 137.

   I went to Sav-Rite to do what I said I would, to see if I could set up a
meeting with her after her shift was over...  and I couldn't do it.  I
mean, I literally couldn't even approach her.  I slipped into the store
while her back was to me, and I wandered around the produce section for
about fifteen minutes, just squeezing melons and rearranging cucumbers.  I
walked up and down the aisles, and at one point I had a box of pancake mix
in my hand, just so I could have something to buy, so I could have an
excuse to go through the checkout lane; and I walked around with that damn
box for an HOUR, and I could see her on the register, I watched her ringing
up one customer after another.  Some of them she smiled at, and some of
them she barely even looked at, but none of them was ME.  I rehearsed and
rehashed and re-hemmed and hawed my way through a dozen different
conversations in my head, trying to find the best way to play it out, and
each one was clumsier than the one before it.  And then I thought, what in
the name of all that's holy am I doing?  I don't even have to shop here!  I
can just go to Arville's from now on, it's not really that much farther
away, I can just walk out of here, and walk away from her, and never have
to see her again, and I can get back to killing myself...  and my head
said, yes, good plan, let's do it, but my gut said, shut up you pussy and
go buy the damn pancake mix so you can watch her ducking her head and
smiling at the floor again like you know you want to.  And in the end I
just put the pancake mix back on the shelf, and I waited until she had to
look up a produce code in the cheat sheet, and while her attention was
absorbed, I slipped out the door.

   And I repeated the whole tragic performance again last night.  And again
tonight.  If there is a God, he/she/it must be having a hell of a belly
laugh at my pathetic antics.

   But I had a little more resolve tonight, a microscopically tiny bit more
resolve.  After I made my tragic tail-between-my-legs exit, I sat in the
car in the far corner of the lot, the corner farthest away from the store
and the lot lights, and I sat in that car and I ate half a pack of Tic-Tacs
one at a time, and I waited for her shift to end.  And FINALLY, at 9:45,
she came out of the store.  I watched to see which car she'd get into, but
she didn't, she just walked across the southwest corner of the lot and then
started walking down 37th.  And I watched her walk down the street until
she was almost out of view, and then like some grotesque stalker, I got out
of the car and started walking down 37th after her; and the whole time I
was thinking, 'what if she sees me, what if she turns around and sees this
51 year old stalker sneaking up on her, what am I going to tell her?  What
am I going to tell the cops?  What am I going to tell Susan?' But she never
turned around, she just kept walking down the street with her head down,
hunched over like she was in pain.  And I kept following her from about 4
or 5 blocks' distance, until she turned up a side street, looked like it
might have been Marley, might have been Monson, I couldn't tell because I
was too far back, and I ran like an insane thing to catch up, but of course
it was a lost cause, when I got up to Marley I couldn't see a sign of her
anywhere, and I ran along up to Monson, I couldn't see her anywhere there
either, and I kept going to Adelaide, but zilch, she was nowhere to be
seen. So I huffed it back to the car, and I drove home, and Susan asked
where I'd been, and I made up some insane lie about going to Sears to look
for furnace filters and getting distracted by the Blu-ray display showing
"Amazing Spider-Man" that I never got to see in the theater, and she just
shook her head dismissively like she always does when she can't be bothered
with my trivia and went back to watching Real Housewives of Babylon or
whatever "reality" show is her favorite nowadays.  And I got undressed and
ran a hot bath, so hot I thought I was going to pass out, and I laid back
in the tub and I closed my eyes and I thought about Barb.  I wondered where
she went when I lost track of her; did she go home, or go to a boyfriend's
house, or go to a party; and I pretended to myself she went home, and she
was taking a steaming hot bath and leaning back and closing her eyes and
wondering where I was and what I was doing.  I could see her clearly in my
mind's eye, see her leaning back in the tub; but I wasn't seeing her
breasts or her hips or anything, just her face with her hair pushed back
against the back wall, her adorable little elfin features getting all red
and flushed from the heat of the bath.  And then I got out and toweled off
and put my sweats on, and I laid down in bed next to Susan.  It wasn't five
minutes after I laid down that she turned off the TV and rolled over.  I
reached out in the darkness and touched her shoulder, and she shrugged it
off.  I tried again, knowing how useless it was; I slid over and put my
hand around her waist, and she grabbed my arm and threw it off, and she
snarled, "What the hell are you doing?" And I said, "I'm lonely, same as
the last time I tried to hold you, same as I've been for so many years
now," and she said something about how she thought we agreed I wouldn't
start this shit again and haven't we been through enough without having to
deal with my sorry little tantrums and childish shit.  So I gave up, again,
and went out and laid down on the couch, like I have so many times for the
last 24 years, and I cried myself to sleep.  Did I mention how much I hate
my life?

   14 Mar

   I dreamed about Barb again; we were at an amusement park, riding a
roller coaster; I had my arm around her, pulling her in close to me, and
she had her arm around my chest, hugging me tight to her, laughing and
screaming as the ride car whipped us up and down and over and under.  I
could see at some indeterminate point up ahead that the tracks weren't
finished, but for some reason it didn't bother me, I was just enjoying the
ride too much.  And then the tracks ran out, and we were plunging down down
down, and my whole body gave a galvanic jerk like I had hit the ground, and
I woke up.

   After I started the coffee, I went back to the bedroom to get dressed
for work; and as I walked past the bathroom where Susan was taking her
shower, without even thinking about it, I walked into the bathroom and
pulled back the shower curtain and just stared at her.  She didn't see me
at first because she was facing the spray, but when she picked up her
loofah and turned around to wash her back, she saw me standing there.  I
braced for her righteous anger, but she didn't say anything, she just stood
there and looked at me.  For perhaps 15 or 20 seconds, we just stood there
looking at each other.  She didn't try to cover her body or anything, just
stood there completely exposed to me, and somehow, I couldn't look at her
body; not her luscious breasts or her full hips or even her beautifully
rounded belly that pooches out a little bit; or even her face; my whole
world was narrowed down to just her eyes, looking at me.  And then she
said, not in anger or exasperation, just in a very quiet and resigned sort
of way, "You're getting water on the floor." So I closed the curtain again
and got dressed and got our coffees ready.  She came out in the kitchen
about 20 minutes later and took her travel mug from me and turned to leave;
but she stopped at the door to the garage, and with her hand still on the
doorknob, she looked at me with a sad expression and she said, "Steve, I
know you're losing weight, and it looks good.  But if you're trying to make
yourself more attractive to me, you know it isn't going to work.  I don't
want you to think it's a wasted effort, because you do look trimmer and
healthier, but we've been through this too many times already.  It's not
that I don't love you, it's just..." and she paused while she searched for
the right words; and eventually she just gave up and shook her head and
walked out the door.  I stood there for so long after that, feeling the
tears running down my face, that my coffee started to get cold, so I poured
it out and poured a fresh cup, and I went to work, and I was 10 minutes
late, and I didn't give a good God damn.  And in the afternoon, Annette
called me back to her office, and she played back tapes of a couple of my
calls from this morning and pointed out to me a few howling errors I made
while I was talking to customers and she wanted to know what was wrong.  I
just sat there and looked at her, and I could feel myself starting to mist
up, and I knew I was in serious danger of having a full-fledged crying jag
right there in front of her, and I said something about how I must have cut
back too far on my medication, the pretend medication I made up the other
day to explain my fainting spell, and I said I'd go back to the doctor and
ask him to adjust the dosage or something.  That seemed to satisfy her, and
she made some notes on a form and put it in her binder thing, and then I
was back at my desk staring at the goddamn computer screen that's probably
leeching all the vitamins and minerals out of my body, not that I should
care anymore because I'm trying to FUCKING KILL MYSELF, and then it was
5:14 and I was in the car driving home with no conscious memory of having
even gotten up from the desk.  I might have killed a dozen people on the
way out the door and I wouldn't have remembered it.

   I drove straight to Sav-Rite, and there was a parking space at the very
front of the lot, right in front of the door, and I parked in it, and I
went through the front door, into the outer lobby where the carts and the
gumball and claw machines are, and just stood there and looked in.  She was
there, at the very first register, the one closest to the door, leaning
back against the counter and talking to the checker at the next register. I
stood there and just watched her for the longest time, watched her
beautiful face and her beautiful smile, and everything about her was just
gorgeous, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and my breath filling
my lungs, and I remember thinking in a semi-lucid fashion, "I"m alive.  As
long as I'm alive, I can look at her, I can worship her, I can revel in her
perfection"...  and then some damn kid came out and plunked a couple of
quarters in the claw machine closest to the door.  I was embarrassed, and
ashamed of my stalker behavior, and I knew if she saw me haunting her like
that, she'd be disgusted and frightened.  I knew that was exactly what I
wanted, and I knew that was exactly the opposite of what I wanted, and I
knew I was thinking schizophrenically, and I got in the car and drove home
and started thawing some chicken breasts for Susan's supper.  Just as I was
putting the breasts in some Italian dressing to marinate, she called to
tell me she was going to Flinger's with some friends from work.  So I
rinsed off the breasts and put them in a plastic bag and put them in the
refrigerator for tomorrow.

   It's funny, you'd think after cutting myself down to 200 calories a day
I'd be hungry all the time.  But something happens to your body; it
adjusts, and you get to the point where you don't feel hunger anymore. 
Sure, my stomach growls and makes weird gurgly noises, but for some reason,
I don't get an accompanying urge to shove food down there to shut it up.

   So then I was bored.  I tried to watch TV, but just like Boss
Springsteen said, 57 channels and nothin' on.  I sat down in front of the
computer, but as soon as the Google homepage came up, I knew it was a
mistake, there was nothing on the Internet that I would be remotely
interested in.  I checked email; the usual fluff, advertisements and crap;
weird tricks to cut my car insurance bill, weird tricks to cut fat from my
belly, weird tricks to increase her pleasure by adding 2 to 4 inches to my
penis.  Weird scenes inside the gold mine.  Another day in paradise.

   3/15

   So the school shrink is still on vacation, but I think I've changed my
mind.  I ate a shitload of chocolate last night and I felt a little better
after that, so maybe I can make it for awhile just on the strength of that.

   HA!  It's so funny how I came by the chocolate.  Or not funny, really,
it was fucking GROSS, but...  I was working, and it was so slow, time was
just dragging.  Nobody was coming in to buy groceries, so I was wiping down
the belt and straightening up the magazine rack and the candy display, just
doing busy work to make it look like I was earning my pay, and Jamie came
in with her mom, and while her mom was shopping, she hung out up front so
she could shoot the breeze with me.  g She asked if she could have a candy
bar, and I said, "You got 75 cents?" and she was like, "For real, you'd
really make me pay for it?" and I was like, "I need this job, I don't want
to get fired for letting my friends shoplift", and she was like, "I thought
you were cool, was I wrong?" And while we were talking, Slubotkin walks by,
and he looks Jamie up and down and says to me, "Who's your cute friend?"
And I just stared at him like, really?  But he didn't keep walking, he just
stood there like he expected me to answer, so I said, "This is Jamie. 
Jamie, this is my manager, Mr.  Slubotkin," and he laughed and said, "Mr.
Slubotkin is my dad, call me Gary, nice to meet you Jamie," and then he
went back to the office.  So I stuck my finger down my throat to show Jamie
what I thought of him, but she was all like, "Are you serious?  He's a
hunk!" And I was like, "Oh.  My.  Fucking.  God.  You have GOT to be
shitting me!" and she was like, "No, I'm serious, he's cool looking, don't
you think his mustache is tight?  It's kinda Fu-Manchu-y, the way it curves
down around his mouth like that, he kinda looks like a cowboy or
something," and I was like, "No.  Fucking.  Way.  He is the biggest GROPER
that ever came down the pike," and she didn't say anything for a few
minutes, she had this kinda dreamy far-away look, then she leaned in real
close so she could whisper to me, and she said, "You might not believe
this, but I've never blown a guy with a mustache before, I think that might
be the hottest thing ever," and I said, "OMG, that is so GROSS, and anyway
how do you even know what a guy's face looks like when you're blowing him,
can't you just only like see his crotch and stuff?" and she was like, "Are
you kidding?  Looking at a guy's face when you're sucking his cock is the
best part, like when he's filling up your mouth and you're looking him
right in the eyes and you can see how much he's loving sticking his thing
in your mouth, and then just before he blows, and his face gets kinda
glazed over and you know in another couple of seconds he's gonna be blowing
his load right down your throat, right in that moment you OWN him, you just
totally OWN him body and soul, he's YOURS, it's like the sweetest feeling
ever." And never having sucked a cock before, I had to admit that maybe I
didn't know anything about it, and I said, "Well even so, not SLUBOTKIN,
like oh my fucking GOD, anybody but that greasy slimy fucking COCKTOPUS!"
And she just kinda smirked at me and then her mom came up with a cart full
of groceries and stuff, and I checked her out, and then Jamie asked her mom
if it was okay if she hung out with me for awhile, and her mom asked if I
wouldn't get in trouble for talking while I was supposed to be working, and
I told her it was fine, it was a slow day and anyway the manager was cool
about it, so she told Jamie it was okay and said not to be too late, and
Jamie helped her put the groceries in the car, and after she was gone,
Jamie came back in and pointed at the office door and asked if Slubotkin
was still back there.  And I said yes without even thinking about it, and
as soon as I did I was sorry, cuz she headed straight over to the office,
and she knocked on the door, and then she opened it, and I could see
Slubotkin sitting at his desk, and Jamie said something to him, I couldn't
hear what it was, and then she went in and closed the door, and I heard the
lock click, and I was like NOOOO!!!  I couldn't believe what I was seeing,
and I didn't know whether to be angry or what, and I just settled for being
TOTALLY GROSSED OUT.  And she was in there for like 10 minutes, and then
she came out and she was smiling from ear to ear, and like 30 seconds later
Slubotkin came out, and he came over to my register, and he reached out and
almost put his hand on my waist, but then he pulled it back real quick like
he thought better of it, and he said how I have really cool friends, and he
had me come to the back of the store with him, and he had Jamie come too,
and he took us both in the stock room and showed us a bunch of chocolate
Easter bunnies that had got left on the dock too long, I guess they sat in
the sunlight too long or something, and they were melted, not completely,
they still looked like bunnies, but the ears were at weird angles and the
hard candy parts that were the eyes and noses were not in the right places
and just all kind of a little melty, and he said he could send them back
but he would only get part of the store's money back and he was just gonna
throw them out, and he asked Jamie and me if we wanted any, we could help
ourselves to as much as we wanted.  So Jamie and me filled up like two huge
cardboard boxes full, and she called PJ for a ride, and we carried the
boxes out through the store and loaded them up in PJ's car.  And by then it
was after 7:00, and even though my shift was supposed to run until 8:00,
Slubotkin told me to go ahead and take off, and he said he'd even punch my
card out at 8:00 for me.  And Jamie was all like, OMG, that's so SWEET,
thank you Gary, and she kissed him on the cheek right there in the front of
the store, and he turned RED, I thought he was gonna pass out or something,
and he was looking all around like he wanted to see if any customers or
checkers or anybody saw Jamie kissing him, but there was nobody around, and
he put his arm around her and squeezed her tight and kissed her back on the
cheek and told her to come back anytime, and she was like, "Oh, I WILL, I
WILL, thank you about a million times Gary".  And PJ drove us back to her
place, and the three of us just FUCKING PIGGED OUT on chocolate bunnies, we
were like little kids on Christmas or something, just shoving those goddamn
free melty bunnies in our mouths until our faces were all smeared with
chocolate and we looked like fucking lunatics, and Jamie was telling us
about Slubotkin's eyes rolling back in his head when she blew him, and she
was imitating him, like when he blew his load, she imitated the noise she
said he made, it was like "uff!  uff!  uff!  oh!  oh!  oh!", and we were
all laughing so hard I thought we'd pass out.  And she just grinned at PJ
and me and she said, "Chocolate bunnies is just the beginning girls, let's
see what I can milk this for!" And PJ laughed and laughed when Jamie said
that, but I just got sad, I think it was partly because it bothered me to
think of her sucking Slubotkin off, but mostly it was because I was
thinking about Steve again, and how much I missed seeing him and wondering
when he was going to come in to the store again.  And damnit if Jamie
didn't make me wonder what Steve's face looks like when he's getting a
blowjob, and then I got really upset for thinking about him like that, cuz
I didn't want to think about him like he was just another horny bastard who
all he cares about is fucking and sucking, and then I ate another bunny,
and that made me feel a little better.  And I grabbed two more chocolate
bunnies, one to take home to dad and one to save for Steve when I see him
again, but when I got home I was like, you big fucking IDIOT, Steve's
probably on a diet, he won't want a chocolate bunny, but I put it up on my
closet shelf to save for him anyway, just in case, and when I was laying in
bed I could see the bunny looking down at me, Steve's bunny, watching me
sleep.

   21 Mar

   Susan was a little put out by the empty state of the cupboards last
night.  She wanted to know why I hadn't gone to the grocery store, and I
just had to hold my head down and mumble an apology, and I told her I'd do
it tonight.  So she sat down and made a list of stuff she wanted to make
sure I got, and said to make sure I hurried home, because she wanted me to
grill steak and bake some potatoes.

   So I planned to go to Arville's, and as I was driving there, I was
picturing the store in my head, picturing Arville's wider aisles and better
lighting, thinking about their meat counter and produce section, and I
parked and got out and walked up to the store, and as I walked into the
cart lobby, I realized I wasn't at Arville's at all; I had driven to
Sav-Rite, whether from force of habit or unconscious design or I don't know
what, but there I was, ready to walk in.  And she was there again, at the
register closest to the door, talking to some hundred-year-old looking
customer about his coupons or something; it looked like she was trying to
explain something and losing the battle.  I knew I couldn't fight it
anymore, so I grabbed a cart and rolled boldly on in to the store.

   She looked up when I came in, she looked right at me, and her face lit
up like a thousand watt light, she smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen
on anybody, ever, and my heart just stopped beating, and then it was
beating a thousand times a minute.  I smiled back at her and I winked, and
as soon as I did it, I was castigating myself savagely for making such a
lame gesture as a wink; how CASUAL, how PLEBEIAN, how OFFHANDED and COMMON,
like chucking a favorite niece under the chin, the same kind of moronic
gesture a hundred thousand other middle-aged LOSERS might make.  She didn't
seem to mind, her hand went straight to her heart, kind of an "I'm touched
to see you again" sort of gesture; and I tore myself away and trundled off
back into the store to load up the cart.  My first stop was the deli, where
I asked the kid behind the counter for a half-pound of turkey breast, and
after I dropped the white paper package in the cart, I looked down at my
hands and realized I was taking off my wedding ring again; and even though
I watched myself doing it, I couldn't stop myself as I put it in my hip
pocket.

   I finished in a daze, checking off each item on the list as I dropped it
in the cart, and when I was done, I looked at the list again and realized I
had to go back, because I had gotten pork ribs instead of New York strip
steak; and cream cheese instead of sour cream; and sticks of butter instead
of the butter substitute spray Susan had written down; and a half-dozen
other mistakes, all absolutely idiotic and indicative of there being nobody
home upstairs.  And finally, after triple checking the list and ensuring
everything was as it should be, as I was walking back up toward the front
of the store, I passed by the floral section, where prearranged bouquets
sat in a spinning rack waiting to be plucked up...  and when I got to the
register, I realized there was a bouquet of flowers in my hand, a riot of
color, purple and yellow and blue and white and orange, with green stems
and delicate sprays of baby's breath.  I turned around to put it back on
the rack, and realized I was a long way away from the floral section; and
then another customer came up behind me, and I was trapped, standing in the
checkout line.  I could have backed up and made my way back into the store,
but it was getting late, and I felt committed somehow; so I just stood
there and waited.

   Although there were a couple of people ahead of me, she saw me standing
there, and as she was scanning items, she kept glancing up at me, which
caused her to make mistakes with the groceries; she kept accidentally
double- and triple-scanning items and had to keep backing out the
over-rings by hand, all the while still glancing up at me as I just stood
there with what I hoped was a quiet smile but what in all actuality was
probably an ear-to-ear idiot's grin.  And then she got those customers out
of the way, and it was just her and me, standing there looking at each
other.  And she didn't look down like she always did before, she just stood
there and looked me right in the eyes, and she said, "Hi Steve," and I
said, "Hi Barb"; she said, "I missed you," and suddenly she was
self-conscious again, her face turned fire-engine red, and that adorable
little head-bob came into play; she kept glancing up at me and then back
down at the floor; and I said, "Thanks.  I missed you too." I unloaded the
cart without watching what I was doing, I couldn't tear my eyes away from
her; I just kept reaching down into the cart and dragging up whatever came
to hand and dumping it on the belt.  She scanned the items one by one,
without looking at any of them, she just kept glancing up at me and then
looking back at the register.  When she came to the final item, the
bouquet, a tiny frown creased her features, and she picked up the cheat
sheet to look up the code for floral displays; and when she couldn't find
it, she turned to the checker in the next lane and said, "Helena, what's
the code for the large bouquet?" Helena consulted a sticky note on the side
of her own register and called a number back to Barb, who punched it in. 
She looked at the display and read the total off to me, and I swiped my
debit card and punched the keys on the little display pad to tell it I
wanted $20 change.  As she handed me the $20 bill, I took hold of her hand
and didn't let go, I just stood there and held her hand.  She was staring
at the bill, and at my hand holding hers, just kind of gawking at it like
she couldn't fathom what was happening.  I said, "Barb," and her head
jerked up like she'd been shot, and she was looking me right in the eyes
again, and she said, "Yes, Steve?", and I said, "Do you work tomorrow?" She
gaped at me, her mouth opened and closed a few times, and she said in a
faint voice, "Tom...  tomorrow?  What's...  what's...  my shift...  yeah,
yeah, I work 3 to 9 tomorrow." I swallowed hard, felt my Adam's apple
bobbing in my throat, and my ears were faintly roaring as I said, "Do you
have to be somewhere after you get off tomorrow night, or can you go get a
soda or something with me?  I'd really like to talk to you." Her lower lip
started trembling, and then she caught herself and with her head shaking
almost imperceptibly, she said, "Wha...  what...  uh, yeah, sure, that's
fine, I'd like that, let's do that.  Please.  Steve," my name added almost
as an afterthought, tacked on to prove that she knew who I was.

   The groceries had been bagged by one of the kids whose job it is to
drift from register to register, bagging as needed; he stood there with the
last item, the bouquet, in his hand, and he asked me if I wanted it in a
bag.  I stared at the flowers for a moment before I realized why I had
bought them, and I told him, "No thanks.  They're for her," and I took the
bouquet and handed it to Barb.  She took them from my hand in a daze, her
eyes suddenly grown to the size of platters, and the bouquet started
shaking violently in response to what I assumed was the trembling of her
hand.

   The next thing I remember, I was standing at the grill watching flames
shooting up, and Susan was yelling at me through the kitchen window,
"STEVE!!!  STEVE!!!  THEY'RE BURNING!!!" I hadn't burned the steaks too
badly, one was charred pretty well but the other one had escaped any major
blackening.  Susan glanced at the meat on the plate as I brought it in,
snorted, and made an off-hand gesture to indicate the more
thoroughly-cooked one, telling me, "That one's yours." And I just chuckled
and thought to myself, 'Wrong, I won't be eating either one of these.'

   Something in my demeanor that night must have been off-kilter, because
Susan kept looking askance at me for the rest of the evening.  When I came
to bed, she rolled over just far enough to look at me and said, "All right,
what's up?" I put on my best 'what are you talking about' expression and
shrugged my shoulders, and when she renewed her scrutiny, I confessed
ignorance; and I apologized for burning the steak, and cooking the potatoes
too long, and she said, "Maybe your diet's throwing you off, maybe you
should take a break from it for a few days." And I was only too glad to
acquiesce and consider the subject closed for the night.

   3/21

   I can't believe this happened.  I'm looking at the flowers and I still
can't believe it.  Steve came into the store tonight, when I saw him walk
in the door, it was like the world just started over again, like somebody
hit the reset button and all the stupid shit that happened in the past
didn't matter anymore.  And he smiled his crinkly smile, and he winked at
me again, and right then I knew, I KNEW, he was there to see me.  And then
he walked off into the store, walked off to get groceries instead of coming
over to talk to me, and reality hit home like a fucking ton of bricks, and
I started kcking myself in the head, like telling myself what a stupid
ignoramus baby I was being, of course he's not here for me, he just needs
groceries and I really am a fucking delusional lunatic.  And the world just
went all gray and black, and I was right back in my ugly stupid little shit
joke of a life again, and I told myself that I better just pick myself up
and dust myself off and keep slogging along.  And for a little while, I
managed to forget he was even in the store, I just forced myself to pay
attention to the customers and scanning their stupid shit, like I had
blinders on or something.  So I was scanning groceries, not looking up or
anything, and just concentrating on scanning the stuff, and then something
told me to look up, and there he was, in my lane, two carts back, and he
was smiling like he always does, that warm crinkly smile with his sparkly
blue eyes that look as blue as the ocean, and even though my head was
telling me there was nothing magical about him being there, my heart was
like just drowning in this warm gooey sea of violins and shit, and I had to
keep looking back at him to reassure myself that he was actually in my
lane, waiting for me to check him out, and I made all kinds of idiot
mistakes with the customers ahead of him, like I'd scan something and then
couldn't remember if I'd scanned it or not, and I had to back up and keep
checking the tape, and I re-rang so many things that it took forever to get
them cleared out.  And then it was his turn, and he was standing there
right in front of me, and that's when I knew it was true, he really was
there just to see me, he was there for ME.  And all I wanted to do was say
his name, just to hear myself say it, so I did, I said "Hi Steve," and he
said "Hi Barb," and there were so many things I wanted to say, but all of a
sudden I was conscious of where we were and of all the people around us,
and I knew I had to keep things normal; and I opened my mouth, and the
first thing that came out was "I missed you," and as soon as I said it, I
knew how stupid it sounded, I mean, that's something you tell a family
member or significant other or like that, it's something you say to
somebody you've known all your life when they get back from being gone a
long time, and I realized I don't even know him, he's just this customer
that's come in a couple of times and I'm just fawning all over him and
telling him I missed him, I mean JESUS, what's he supposed to say to that?
Honestly, what's he supposed to SAY?  And he said he missed me too!  And I
was like, thank GOD!  But it was really just a pat on the head, like what
else was he supposed to say, and it felt like he was saying "Oh that's
cute, she missed me, guess I'll tell her the same thing." And I was
scanning his groceries, and I knew what I wanted to tell him, all the
things that I'd been thinking about, and I wanted to hear him talk too, I
wanted to hear him tell me more about how he missed me.  But I knew we
couldn't talk like that, not right then, not while I was doing something so
stupid and ordinary, and I couldn't think of any normal small talk to say,
and I wanted so bad to hear him talk, to hear him tell me anything,
anything at all, but neither one of us said anything, it was just scanning,
scanning, scanning, and then I got to the last item to scan, and it was a
huge bouquet of flowers, and when I went to ring it up, I could feel my
heart going right into my shoes, I was like, oh my God, of course, he's got
a girlfriend or something, he's buying flowers for his girlfriend, who else
could they be for, and I was so ashamed for letting myself get so carried
away, and embarrassed that I was being so moony over him, that I just
wanted to curl up and die right there.  And what made it worse, like how
could it get any worse, but it did, was that I couldn't find the FUCKING
CODE to ring up the FUCKING FLOWERS, and I had to ask Helena, and it was
like the universe was just rubbing my face in it, like I had to make these
flowers the center of attention, like pointing out that he was buying
flowers for his girlfriend, and everything just kinda shrank up on me, and
in that one second I had this picture of him giving the flowers to his
girlfriend, and his girlfriend getting this big gooey sappy fucking smile
on her face, and getting down on her knees to give him a blowjob, and I
knew, again, how FUCKING UNFAIR life is, and I wished I was dead.  And then
he used his debit card again, and he got $20 change, and when I handed him
the money, instead of taking it, he held my hand!  I mean, he took my hand
in his and he didn't let go, he just stood there and held my hand in his,
and it was so warm and powerful, I mean I could feel his warm skin, and his
fingers were wrapped around my hand and touching my palm, and for a second
I thought he was gonna kiss my hand, and I was so confused and lost that I
didn't even know where I was.  And then he said my name, he said, "Barb,"
only it wasn't like he was just saying it, the way his voice sounded when
he said it, it was like it was real important, like there was a whole lot
of meaning behind it, and I said yes, and he wanted to know if I work
tomorrow, and my head was spinning, I felt like I was gonna get dizzy and
fall down, everything just seemed so unreal, like why he is asking me that,
and then I couldn't even remember what he said, it took everything I had
just to calm down enough to focus, and I remembered he was asking about my
hours, and I told him what my hours are for tomorrow night, and he ASKED ME
OUT!  He asked me to go get a soda after my shift tomorrow, and said he
wanted to talk to me!  And all I could think was, is this a date?  It must
be, it must be a date, and I was like OH MY FUCKING JESUS GOD IN HEAVEN,
HE'S ASKING ME OUT ON A DATE, and then I realized he was waiting for an
answer, and I managed to find my voice and I told him yes, I wanted to do
that.  And then he GAVE ME THE FLOWERS!!!  He just fucking reached over and
handed me the fucking bouquet and said it was for me!  He said it, he said
it was for ME!  And I couldn't even hardly hold them, everything just got
real slow, like time just slowed down and stopped, and I was standing there
holding these beautiful flowers that weren't for a girlfriend, they WEREN'T
FOR A GIRLFRIEND, they were for me, they were FOR ME!  And he walked out
pushing the cart with his bags of groceries, and right when he got to the
door, he turned around and looked at me again, and he brought two fingers
up to his mouth and put them on his lips, and for a second I thought he was
gonna blow me a kiss, but then it was more like he was saying "shhhh", and
then he just put his hand down, and he turned and walked out.  And I put
the flowers up next to the register so I could look at them, and I leaned
down and smelled them, and for the rest of the night, whenever I got done
checking someone out, I smelled them again, just to prove to myself that
they were really there.

   And when I walked home, I was carrying them in front of me the whole way
home, like I was carrying a torch or something, like I was walking down
37th and the traffic was whizzing past me and I was wanting everybody who
drove past me to see me holding them.  And when I got home, dad was
watching TV in the living room, and instead of going straight to my room
like I do every night, I went in the living room and I sat down next to him
and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and he looked at me surprised
and asked how I was doing, and I told him I was just peachy.  Then he saw
the flowers, and he looked at me strange and he said, "Barbie?" And I
showed them to him, and I told him they were a gift from a guy, and he
wanted to know who it was.  And I told him it was somebody he didn't know.
He could tell from the way I said it that I was so happy about it, and he
kinda scowled and he asked if it was Jimmy Vinson, and I told him, "No dad,
I told you, it's somebody you don't know." And he said that he didn't know
everything that happened between Jimmy and me, but he knew the breakup was
rough, and he was gonna be damned if he was gonna let Jimmy break my heart
again.  I told him, no, it definitely wasn't Jimmy, I knew Jimmy was an
asshole and I wasn't gonna have anything to do with him anymore, this was a
new guy named Steve, and he was a real gentleman and not a putz like Jimmy.
And he pulled me close and pulled me up onto his lap, he was stroking my
hair and rubbing my back and kissing me on the neck, he was getting kinda
weepy and telling me how proud he was of me, and how sorry he was about mom
dying and wishing she was here to see me growing up and have
mother-daughter talks with me about guys and dating; and then he wasn't dad
anymore, he was my daddy, my big strong protecting daddy, holding his
little Poopsiekins, and I was bawling like a baby and telling him that he
was doing just fine, and how much I loved him, and that I would be glad to
have daddy-daughter talks with him about guys and anything else.  And we
sat like that for a real long time, just hugging each other and stroking
each other like we haven't done in FOREVER, and my heart was so full that
it was like overflowing and getting everything all gooshy.

   So then I went to the kitchen and got a pitcher of water to put the
flowers in, and I took them to my room, and I've just been sitting here
looking at them and touching them ever since.  And I keep getting all these
ugly doubts in my head, like, of course it won't be a date, he didn't ask
me to dinner or a movie or anything else that's a date, he just wanted to
chat over a soda, what kind of moron would call that a date?  And I keep
thinking that he's just fond of me, the way you would be of a neighbor or a
coworker or something just as innocent, and realizing how stupid I am to
get so worked up over it, and if it was a real date, he'd give me a chance
to wear a nice dress and get my hair and makeup done up real nice, and not
just pick me up after work and take me out in my goddamn Sav-Rite shirt;
but then my heart says, you don't buy bouquets for something innocent like
a chat, you don't set an appointment for something as meaningless as a
chat, of course it's a date.  But then I keep going back and replaying it
in my head; his exact words were, "can you go get a soda or something with
me?  I'd really like to talk to you." He said REALLY, he said he would
REALLY like to talk to me.  Not, "I'd really like to see you", not "I'd
really like to be with you", but "I'd really like to talk to you".  And I
don't know if it's good or bad, but it's kinda scary, so it's more like
it's bad.  Talk about what?  What is it he wants to tell me?  He can't
possibly say he feels the same way about me that I do about him, I know in
my head that's not possible.  I mean, what if he knows how obsessed I am
over him and he's trying to let me down easy?  Oh God, what if it's the
"you're a young woman with your whole life ahead of you, you don't really
know what you want yet" speech?  I won't be able to handle it if it's that,
I won't, I'll go into a meltdown or something.

   I wish I could talk to Jamie and PJ about it and have them just really
LISTEN with their HEARTS and understand and not give me shit about being in
love with an old fat guy who's not really fat anymore.  I wish I could tell
dad more about Steve and not have him freak out cuz Steve is so old.  I
wish it was tomorrow night and Steve and me were together so I could know
whether it's really a date or not.  I wish.  I wish.  I wish.  I wish I
could turn off my goddamn brain.  Jesus.  How am I supposed to get to
sleep?

   22 Mar

   Writing this at work.  Supposed to be on the phones, but I can't
concentrate, can't think straight.  I'm picking her up tonight when she
gets off work, at 9:00, and I don't even have an excuse to get out of the
house yet.  And when I do pick her up, where am I going to take her for a
soda?  Burger King?  That's INSANE.  But I don't even know where else to
go. I'm so out of it, so insulated by my cozy suburban nightmare; where do
people go on dates?  Especially when it isn't a date, it's just me trying
to freak out and scare a little girl so badly that she stays away from me
for the rest of my pathetic life, so I can get back to ending said pathetic
life with as few complications as possible.

   Okay, just checked the showtimes at the Southgate Cineplex, that vampire
thing is showing at 9:10, that's perfect, Susan will be fine with me going
to a movie by myself on a Friday night.

   Okay.  So what else is left?  Someplace nicer than Burger King. 
Vincenzo's?  Red Lotus?  Aunt Sadie's?  Yeah, that's perfect, Aunt Sadie's
is twenty miles away in Peace Landing, I won't see anybody I know there,
and we won't sit in the restaurant anyway, we can just stay in the bar; I
can buy her something more than a soda.  I wonder if she likes beer?  Or
maybe a mixed drink?  AAUUGGHH!  GOD!  Planning too far ahead, just get her
there first and then worry about what she wants to drink.

   I should bring her something, a nice gift or something, to seal the
deal. But what?  How tragically out-of-synch with reality am I?  I don't
know her, I don't know anything about her.  I don't know what she likes or
dislikes.  I don't have any idea what to get her.

   STOP.  TAKE STOCK.  What was she wearing last night?  Besides her
Sav-Rite polo and black slacks, she was wearing pink sneakers; looked like
Keds.  She was wearing deep purple nail polish.  She has pierced ears, she
was wearing dangly earrings with stars on them.  Jewelry.  That's it.  A
bracelet, I'll get her a bracelet or...  I'll run by the mall after work, I
know there's a couple of girly stores there.  Something with a heart
maybe...

   Oh my god.  I'm doing this all wrong.  I'm supposed to be scaring her, I
should be making her think I'm going to rape her, and all I can think of is
how to court her, how to woo her and win her.  Should I call Lacie and ask
her where she got those cartoon character panties from?  NO!  God, she'll
want to know why I'm asking.  Think, man; where do you get cartoon panties?
DUH, Hot Topic.  I hope the one at the mall is still in business.  Wait a
minute, what if she doesn't like the character I choose?  How can I find
out what cartoon character she might like?  What if she thinks cartoons on
panties are stupid?  Oh my god, I'm going insane.  I'm certifiable.  I
can't keep going like this.

   3/22

   Up til 3 last night.  Overslept, dad drove me to school.  Have to make
this short, don't want Mr.  Stettler to catch me writing something personal
like this in class.  I shouldn't be writing it at all, but GOD, I can't
keep it bottled up inside anymore.  Steve is taking me out tonight!  He's
going to come to the store, and he's going to walk in, and I'll be there
checking, and Slubotkin's going to give me one of those greasy smiles he
can't stop giving me since Jamie sucked him off and tell me it's okay to
leave early, and I'm going to run in the bathroom and change to the rainbow
blouse I brought in my backpack, and we're going to go and get in Steve's
car, and we're going to drive to...  ???  he's going to...  he's going to
take me to McDonald's and buy me a soda, cuz he thinks I'm a good little
girl who needs a pat on the head...  NO, he's going to take me to Flinger's
and we're going to have chips and salsa and he's going to touch my hand and
look into my eyes and tell me he can't stop thinking about me and he wants
to get to know me a lot better...  NO, he's going to drive to Petro4Less
and make me wait in the car while he goes in and gets two fountain drinks,
and we're going to sit in the car while he tells me how much I remind him
of his niece...  NO, he's going to drive to the Cedargrove Park overlook
and park the car and he's going to ask me to get in the back seat with him
and then he's going to...  AAUUGGHH!  GOD!  I can't think straight!  How
can I make it to 9:00 tonight?  Oh my god, I'm going insane.  I'm
certifiable.  I can't keep going like this.

   22 Mar (2nd entry)

   Where do I start?  How do I untangle the dream from the reality?

   After work, I went to the mall.  I meant to go to Hot Topic, but somehow
I wound up at Rings-n-Things instead.  I was standing there in front of a
display of necklaces, the store was full of young girls, and I felt
distinctly like an intruder, a stranger in a strange land; so I wandered
out into the mall and walked around for awhile, and I stopped at Bling It
On, and Foxxy Moxie's, and Classic Girl, and NOTHING looked any good, it
all looked like cheap trinkets, like gaudy costume crap you might hand out
at a child's party.  I ultimately wound up at Goldstein's, where nestled
among all the diamond wedding rings and diamond earrings and diamond
bracelets, I saw a pretty little silver necklace with a heart-shaped charm
on it.  It was originally $90, on sale for $30, and as I walked away with
the package containing the necklace tucked away in my pocket like the
guilty secret it was, I reflected that at least I had spent more on Susan's
last birthday gift, so I didn't feel completely evil; only mostly.

   It was after 6:00 by the time I got home.  Susan wanted spaghetti, so I
prepared that while daydreaming about Barb and wondering whether she likes
Italian.  With supper over and the plates cleaned up, I puttered around in
front of the computer for an hour and a half before casually announcing to
Susan that I wanted to see a movie.  She barely looked up from her TV show,
just a quick glance at me and a mumbled "okay, have fun" before returning
her attention to the idiot box.  I was a nervous wreck; I brushed my teeth
twice, then put on cologne before realizing Susan might question why I had
applied cologne to go see a movie by myself.  Of course I needn't have
worried; my departure barely registered on her awareness.

   It was 8:40 when I pulled up in front of Sav-Rite.  My nerves were wound
tighter than a drum, my fingers twitching and my leg shaking.  As I pulled
off my wedding ring and tucked it in my pocket (next to the box containing
the necklace), I realized that despite my haphazard plans, I really had no
idea what I was doing or what I was getting myself into.  All I knew for
certain was that I was about to go somewhere with the most beautiful
creature I've ever seen and that she appeared to be agreeable to going with
me.  It took me 10 minutes to work up the courage to approach the store,
and when I finally did make it in, she was nowhere to be seen.  My mixed
emotions were about 20 percent relief at the thought that I had apparently
been rescued from my own stupidity to 80 percent disappointment and fear
that she wasn't there.  I walked a little further into the store to make
sure I hadn't missed seeing her, but still saw nothing.  I decided to go
back out to the car and wait until 9:00 proper.  I didn't know she had
crept up behind me; when I turned to leave, I collided with her, I had to
reach out to grab her by the arms to stop her from falling down due to the
force of the impact.  I didn't realize at first who it was I had grabbed
hold of, but when I realized she was gripping me as tightly as I was
gripping her, recognition dawned.  She started laughing, the absurdity of
the situation hit me like a freight train, and I was laughing as hard as
she was.  We stumbled over apologies to each other, and I was able to stand
back and take stock of the situation.  She wasn't wearing the Sav-Rite
polo, somehow she had changed into a beautiful multi-colored shirt.  She
explained that she had gotten permission to leave a little early and that
she had just been in the bathroom changing.  I made some idiotic remark
about how beautiful she was; she mumbled a thank you, but it was clear
didn't quite know what to say to that, she was doing that heart-wringing
little headbob of hers that had me wrapped around her little finger; then
she told me she was ready to go.  I walked her out to the car, and followed
her around to the passenger side so I could hold the door open for her. 
She seemed surprised that I would do that, her head was doing this
incredulous little shaking thing and she put her hand on her heart for just
a second, before she slid into the seat.

   Once we were underway, I asked if it was okay if we went to Aunt
Sadie's. She put her hands on my arm and let out a little squeal as she
told me she'd love to go there, that she'd only been there once before,
years ago, and she'd always wanted to go back, to take a closer look at the
fish.  It took me a couple of seconds to realize that she must be talking
about the floor-to-ceiling aquarium behind the bar, and I congratulated
myself on my astute choice.  After that, things got very tense.  We rode in
silence, neither one of us saying anything, and I was in agony.  I wanted
so badly for us to have an easy conversation, I needed there to be a
rapport, a connection; anything but the uneasy quiet, the deafening silence
of two people who didn't know what to say to each other.  When the pain of
the silence became unendurable, I turned on the radio.  The first thing we
heard was that annoying commercial for Edmundson Mazda, so I hit the preset
for 106.3, the Fox.  The announcer was telling us that the weather for the
rest of the evening would be cool and clear; the next thing we heard was
Roberta Flack singing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face".  It was a
transcendent moment; Barb was turned sideways in her seat, her leg tucked
up under her, and she was just staring at me with her lips slightly parted
while this tender love song just rolled over us and buried us in milk and
honey.  The timing couldn't have been more perfect; the final notes died
right as I pulled into a space at the end of the Aunt Sadie's lot, and when
I shut off the car and turned to face her, it felt like we were on the
verge of something unexpected, something unprecedented for either of us. 
Her eyes were glistening as she whispered that that was the most beautiful
song she'd ever heard; I saw her shivering briefly as she said it.  After
that, we just sat there looking at each other in silence for what felt like
a lifetime; I was aware of the smell of her perfume, and the sound her
breathing, and the sound of my breathing, and of the infinite possibilities
swirling around us and between us with agonizing imprecision.  Eventually,
I leaned over and took her hand in mine, and drew it up to my mouth, and
looking her full in the face, I whispered, "Barb, you are the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.  I can't stop thinking about
you..." I intended to say more, but I didn't know what to say or how to say
it.  I kissed her fingers, one at a time, while she just stared at me with
huge doe eyes, her head shaking ever so slightly.  I'm not 100 percent on
anything else I may have said while we were sitting there in the car, it's
all still wrapped in an aura of indigo uncertainty; but I think I told her
that I didn't know what I wanted or why I was there, that I didn't know
anything beyond the fact that her beauty had me intoxicated and I just
wanted to be near her so I could look at her.  We continued to sit there in
silence for awhile after that, still holding hands; she was gently stroking
the back of my hand with her thumb, and my heart grew so dense in my chest
that it felt like it had turned to lead.  And then she reached over with
her other hand and stroked the side of my face; and she leaned in until our
faces were almost touching.  Her lips were still parted ever so slightly,
her perfume was filling me to the point of oblivion, the entire universe
condensed to the half-inch gulf between our faces; and then our lips were
touching, and she was kissing me, and I was kissing her, and my entire
being melted into that single timeless moment, that unbearably sacred
joining of our lips.

   When the kiss ended, we were still just sitting there, our foreheads
touching as we looked into each other's eyes.  She whispered that her heart
was beating so hard that it felt like it was going to fly out of her chest.
I suggested that we should go in and have that drink that we came to have,
and she nodded eagerly.  We got out and walked to the door of Aunt Sadie's,
and as I held the door open for her, she touched my arm and whispered
something that sounded like "It IS a date." I waved the hostess off to
indicate that we didn't want a table, and with my hand on Barb's elbow to
guide her, we made our way to the bar.  She made a little gasp when she saw
the wall-length aquarium behind the counter and ran around to the end of
the bar, to the little three-foot section where patrons could actually
touch the glass.  Her reaction was so excited, so full of little-kid
wonder, that I couldn't help but laugh out loud.  She glanced back at me
with her eyes sparkling and an impish grin on her lips, and I almost
swooned, feeling hot and cold all over at this display of her unworldly
beauty.  I came up behind her and stood close enough to smell her hair, and
she leaned back into me and reached down to take my left hand in hers and
lock our fingers together.  Eventually, I pulled away and led her to the
bar, where we chose stools somewhere near the middle.  As the bartender
approached, I asked her what she wanted to drink, and she looked at me with
something resembling horror, then leaned over to whisper in my ear that she
couldn't have anything alcoholic because she was only sixteen.

   I didn't understand what she'd said at first; the words didn't make
sense, they didn't gel in my head.  I had to repeat to myself several
times, "only sixteen", before the meaning finally began to come through.  I
felt the floor opening beneath me; vertigo was reeling up to snake it's way
through my head, and I was in very real danger of falling off the barstool.
She was still the sublime goddess, the gorgeous dream, but the universe had
suddenly sunk some decidedly sharp hooks in her, anchoring her to reality
in a way I couldn't have anticpated.  The feeling of Barb's hand on my
forearm helped me regain my equilibrium.  I looked up to see the bartender
standing there smirking at me; I leered back at him and ordered two Cokes.
He scooped ice into two square cut-glass tumblers, filled them from the
handheld soda dispenser, and with a small flourish, set them in front of us
on a couple of Captain Morgan coasters.  I automatically took a swig; the
sweet taste sharpened my focus, and I was able to return all my attention
to Barb.  She was sitting there timidly, peering up at me as if afraid she
had said or done something wrong.  I managed to smile at her, which brought
out her own smile, that amazing sweet wonderful heartstopper that lifted
one corner of her mouth a little higher than the other, and I was once
again overwhelmed by the wonder of her unbearable beauty.

   I laid a ten on the bar to pay for the drinks and, taking both glasses,
I led her to one of the tiny tables in the darkest corner of the bar.  As
we sat there, while I struggled for how best to begin, Barb took the lead
by asking me if I remembered our first meeting.  I thought back to that day
in the store and realized with a savage embarassment that I had wondered
what her panties looked like.  I started to say something about Sav-Rite,
but she shook her head earnestly and described the Valentine's Day episode
at the mall.  I recalled the incident immediately, the humiliation of being
mocked by pretty young girls and my promise to thank them for inspiring my
suicide.  My expression must have provoked alarm in her, because she was
falling all over herself apologizing for her companions and saying that it
had hurt her deeply to think of having caused pain to someone so obviously
already in agony.  She went on to say something about how my despair had
touched a nerve in her, and that she had had trouble getting me out of her
head since then.  Something clicked in my heart, something that felt like a
recognition of destiny, and I wanted to pour out my life to her, to admit
to the lonely agony and dead grey despair that have been my constant
companions; and I knew this was someone I wanted to give nothing but truth
to, for as long as we both might live.  I knew I had to tell her about my
slow-motion suicide attempt, and how her capture of my heart had blown away
that desire.  I had to tell her that if I couldn't keep seeing her, my life
would be diminished to the point of unliveability.  And I had to tell her
that I was married.  But I knew I couldn't do any of that where we were, in
the dingy little pit that was Aunt Sadie's bar.  The world was spinning off
it's axis, and I had to get her someplace where we could breathe the night
air and see the stars doing their ancient majestic pavanne above us.

   I stood and took her hand and pulled her out of there, out to the car.
She made some slight protest, which I silenced by telling her we needed to
be someplace else.  She accepted this and said nothing more as I drove to
Cedargrove Park, to the overlook with it's commanding view of the streets
laid out below, of the twinkling streetlights, the headlights coming and
taillights going.  I told her that I needed to kiss her one more time, in
case I never had another chance...  I was scared to death that once I told
her the complete truth, she would want nothing more to do with me.  She
readily agreed, and leaned in to kiss me, an exchange of breath and
promise, a kiss that was...  a kiss that was...

   My God.  I can't begin to put into words what kissing her was like.  I
just...  there are no words.  It's like, knowing what a kiss can be like,
and how sweet it can be, and to go for so many many years without...  and
she just, she was just THERE, she was just so completely THERE, I mean, she
was real and present, completely existing in that moment, she was real and
soft and warm and her whole being was in that kiss, her whole body and
soul, there wasn't anything of her that wasn't in that kiss...  god.  god
damn it i cant finish this right now i cant even see what im doing for the
tears in my eyes...

   3/22, later

   How can life be so cruel and wonderful at the same time?  How can there
be such a wonderful person, such a beautiful wonderful lovely man who is so
giving and tender and amazing, who has so much love to give, and who isn't
allowed to give it?  How can life be so goddamn UNFAIR?!?

   After I started my shift and I had been checking for a couple of hours,
I took a break and called dad and told him that I was probably gonna hang
out after my shift, and don't worry if I was late getting home.  I felt a
little guilty because I was trying to make him think I meant that I would
hang out with Jamie and PJ, without actually saying so, but he said okay
and to have fun, and that was that.

   So then in the middle of my shift, Jamie comes in and she's sniffing
around for Slubotkin, I didn't know where he was and she seemed suspicious,
like she thought maybe I did know and just wasn't telling her.  I told her
I really didn't care, whatever she wanted to do with him was fine with me,
but I must of sounded a little bitter about it.  She asked me if she could
take a candy bar, and I almost said yes, but I chickened out and told her
no, the candy wasn't mine to give.  And then Slubotkin came in and saw her
and right away he got this huge shit-eating grin all over his stupid face
and he whispered something to her and the two of them went back in the
stockroom, they were gone for like 20 minutes and when they came back Jamie
was smiling like the cat that ate the canary.  She whispered something to
Slubotkin and he came over to my lane and gave me this stupid fucking wink
that squinched up the whole side of his face and he grabbed a whole box of
candy bars off the rack and stuck them in Jamie's purse, and it was so damn
obvious he was grabbing her ass when he did it, and she was just giggling
the whole time and she gave him a kiss on the cheek and then she gave me
this fluttery little wave and a sneer, like she was saying "ta-ta, I got my
candy anyway, thanks for nothing".  And Slubotkin was just giving me this
big stupid toothy grin, so I figured what the hell, and I asked him if I
could get off early, and he said I could take off at 8:30 if it wasn't too
busy.

   So I was praying and wishing the whole night that it wouldn't be busy,
and of course right at 8:25 there were like 3 people in my lane, I was
checking them out so fast I should of won some kind of award, and 2 more
people came while I was checking out the first 3, I was so frustrated I
almost cried, but I kept checking checking checking, and it was almost 8:40
before I finally got my lane cleared out, and Slubotkin gave me another
goddamn wink and jerked his thumb over his shoulder like he was saying, "go
ahead and take off".  I was out of there so fast I must of scorched the
floor, and I went in the bathroom and took off my Sav-Rite polo and sprayed
myself all over with the Vanilla Musk that dad got me for my birthday, and
I put my rainbow blouse on and made sure my hair and makeup were okay, and
I went out to wait for Steve.  I didn't see him anywhere, but it was still
like a quarter to 9, so I went to the health and beauty section and grabbed
a bottle of mouthwash, cuz I thought if Slubotkin was gonna give Jamie a
whole damn box of candy bars, he could for sure spot me some mouthwash, and
I went back to the bathroom and took a mouthful and swigged it around, it
was some super-strong spearmint stuff that burned my gums, but I felt
better for doing it, I felt a little prettier and not so gross from having
just worked a shift, and I stuck the mouthwash in my locker, and I went
back out front, and Steve was there!  He was looking around the store for
me, and I got this crazy silly stupid idea to sneak up behind him and poke
him in the ribs, and I did sneak up behind him, but before I could poke
him, he turned around real sudden and bumped into me and almost knocked me
over!  I should of known not to do something so stupid, I was embarrassed
and I couldn't help myself from laughing, but then Steve started laughing,
and his eyes were just like these blue lasers that were cutting right
through me and his smile was so...  God, so wonderful!

   And when we went out to his car, he held the door open for me, like he
thought I was a proper lady or something, it was the first time anybody's
ever held a door open for me, EVER.  Then he asked if it was okay if we
went to Aunt Sadie's and I was thinking about the time we went there for
Kathy and Bill's wedding when I was in 3rd grade, they had this amazing
fish tank that was like half of the whole building, and mom said I couldn't
go in that part of the place, I just had to look at it from across the
room, but now I wasn't going there with mom, it was with Steve, so of
course I could go see it if I wanted to.

   And then he was driving, and it got so quiet, and it was almost like
back at Sav-Rite when I was checking his groceries yesterday, where I had
all these things burning in my head and I couldn't say any of them.  And
even though we were alone and there was nothing to stop me from saying
them, we were going to Aunt Sadie's, and I still didn't know what was going
on, it didn't feel like a date somehow.  I mean, I wasn't scared or nervous
at all, and I know that's stupid, I mean, here I was in a stranger's car,
this was somebody I didn't even know, and I know I should have been
thinking "what if he's a psycho or a rapist, what if I wind up dead in the
woods with my panties tied around my neck", but something about him just
didn't feel like that.  I mean, I was definitely picking up a vibe from
him, but it wasn't creepy at all, it was just this terrible sadness in him,
and kinda nervous too, not nervous like "oh boy I'm gonna rape this girl",
more nervous like "what if she doesn't like me, what if this is a terrible
mistake".  And all these things were still inside me and just pushing so
hard to get out, and I wanted so bad to tell him, cuz it felt like he liked
me, the same way I liked him.  But what if I was wrong, and I started
saying all these gooshy things from my heart and that wasn't what he had
asked me out for at all, like what if he just wanted to be friends or
something, and here I would be spilling my guts and getting him all
embarrassed, and it was kind of miserable.  I started to reach out, like I
was going to touch his shoulder, but then it was like, that's what
Slubotkin always does to me, and I didn't know what to do or what to say or
anything.

   Then right as I was thinking this was maybe one of my bigger mistakes
ever, Steve turned on the radio, and it was this incredible song I'd never
heard before, it was slow and sweet, and it was sad and happy at the same
time, it was a LOVE song, I think it was talking about sex, but in the most
romantic way ever, not like having sex with someone but like making love
like it the was most beautiful thing ever, almost like Adam and Eve in the
garden before the apple, and the whole time it was playing, I'm just
sitting there looking at Steve, and the light from the dashboard on his
face made it like he was almost glowing, and headlights from cars that were
going the opposite direction were lighting up his face every now and then,
and he kept looking over at me like he wanted to just look away from the
road and put all his attention on me.  And all of a sudden I could smell
his cologne, it just went right up in my nose and straight to my chest,
like it was squeezing my heart or something, and then I started getting
this tingling down below, like little sparkles in my crotch...  oh God, in
my crotch, like I was glowing down there or something, like I never felt
that way before, I was getting all hot and cold at the same time, and I
knew I was in danger of crying or something, and I wasn't sure why.

   And then we were at Aunt Sadie's and he parked the car, and he turned
around in his seat to face me, and he didn't say anything, he was just like
looking at me so strange, like he couldn't move or something, it felt like
he was just gonna sit there forever and look at me, his whole body was so
still, like a statue, the only part of him that was moving was his eyes,
they just kept going back and forth real fast, like he was trying to fit my
whole body in his vision at one time.  And then he was holding my hand, and
telling me how beautiful I was, and kissing my hand.  And it was like all
the romantic things I had ever heard about or read about, all wrapped up in
that one perfect moment, and I tried to think what was the most romantic
thing that had happened to me before that, and for about a half a second I
thought about Jimmy giving me flowers on the first date, and then Jimmy was
just GONE, I mean like he just disappeared off the face of the earth like
he'd never existed, because when he gave me flowers, it was like imitating
romance, like that's what you're supposed to do just because it's what
everybody says romance is, it's expected, but when Steve gave me the
flowers, he did it in the most unromantic place in the world, but it was
such a total shock and unexpected, it was like a heart explosion or
something, and now here he was kissing my hand, like every time you see
somebody's hand getting kissed in the movies or whatever it's like the
corniest thing ever, like so lame and laughable, but now here he was
kissing my hand, and his whole heart was in it, like he was putting his
soul in my fingers or something, and all of a sudden my chest felt so good,
like it was expanding like a balloon, or like someone was reaching right
though my chest and massaging my heart, it was like being high on a drug,
it felt so good, it filled up my whole chest and went up into my shoulders
and my neck and it kept going up until it was filling my whole face, and at
the same time my crotch was still doing all these little sparkly things,
and I felt so good I never wanted it to stop.  He was still talking to me,
but I couldn't hardly even hear him because the good feelings were making
my ears kind of full of a rushing sound, and we were still holding hands, I
was rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb and feeling the bones and
the flesh, and it was so REAL, I mean, it was the REALEST thing I'd ever
felt before, and I wanted him to put his hands on my breasts so I could
pass the good feeling on to him, like I could make the feeling transfer
that way, but I was afraid of breaking a spell or something, and then I
knew how to pass it on, I knew the right way to do it, would be to kiss
him.

   And I knew I should of been scared or nervous or something, because I
knew that I had never really kissed a guy the right way before, not the
right and true, real and romantic way like when you're in love, I knew the
way Jimmy kissed me was completely the wrong way to do it, the way Jimmy
did it was all about being on first base and getting to second base or
whatever stupid sports metaphor you use for getting to fuck a girl, but I
knew that's not the way it would be between Steve and me, I knew it would
be like in the song we just heard, and then I was doing it, I wasn't even
thinking about it, like my brain wasn't even there anymore, like it was
just my hands and my lips, and I reached out and touched his face and
pulled him close to me, and then we were so close together, it took like
forever to happen, but at the same time it was happening at exactly the
right time, like there was a perfect timing for it to happen and we were
doing it, we were right in the groove, like...  like Adam and Eve, is the
only way I can think of to say it, like the first man and the first woman
and the first kiss that ever happened, and he was kissing me, and I was
kissing him, and the whole universe just went away except for the kiss, and
we kissed for like ever and ever and ever, like kissing was the only thing
that human beings had ever done or would ever do, and that's all they ever
needed to do.

   And then somehow, the kiss was over, and we were just sitting there
looking at each other, but somewhere, at some level of reality, we were
still kissing, and would go on kissing forever and ever.  And then
everything started moving again, like all of a sudden my heart was going so
fast, it was like a hummingbird's wings, like if I could of looked inside
my chest with an x-ray right then, I wouldn't have even seen my heart
pumping, it would have looked like a blur.  And when Steve said we should
go inside for a drink, then THAT was the most perfect and right thing that
had ever happened, and when he opened the door for me, then THAT was the
most perfect and right thing that had ever happened, and it just kept being
perfect and right, and all of a sudden it was so obvious, of course it was
a date, it was a man and a woman on a date, what else would they be doing
at a restaurant on a Friday night?

   And then there was the aquarium behind the bar.  You know how when
you're a little kid and things look so huge, but when you get older, you
realize they're not nearly so big as you thought?  Well this was the
opposite, it was like the aquarium was even bigger, like it was ten times
bigger than when I saw it before, and it had looked huge then.  And Steve
was standing behind me, and he was laughing quietly, and I held his hand,
of course that's what you do when you're on a date, you hold hands.  And
then he took me over to the bar, and when he asked what I wanted to drink,
suddenly everything just collapsed and came crashing down, because I
realized, like how had I not even realized it before, but now I realized
that he was asking what kind of a mixed drink I wanted.  And I thought for
a second about asking for a rum and Coke, because that's the only mixed
drink I could think of, before I realized that I couldn't do that to him, I
mean, get him arrested for providing alcohol to a minor, and I whispered to
him that I was only 16.  And I thought he was gonna pass out, he just got
this blank look on his face like he was gonna lose consciousness or
something, and he started to slide off the barstool, so I grabbed his arm,
and that's all it took to bring him back.  I felt so incredibly stupid, I
was feeling scared like I had led him on, it felt like I had lied to him
and tricked him by not saying something sooner.  And then the bartender was
standing there with this smartass look on his face, but Steve
out-smartass-looked him and ordered a couple of Cokes, and when he looked
at me, he was smiling like everything was the way it was supposed to be,
like everything was all right, and I felt a mini rush of the same good
feeling I'd had in the car, like just before we kissed, and his eyes were
just like shining, like they were making their own blue light and filling
up the world, and I almost leaned over to kiss him again right there, right
in front of the smartass bartender, but I didn't, it was enough really just
to feel the good feeling in my chest and know it was because we were there
together.

   The bartender moved away after he set the drinks down, but not all the
way to the end of the bar.  It bugged me that he was still standing kinda
close, I wanted him to just go away.  Steve must of thought the same thing,
because he had us go to a table back in the corner.  He started to say
something, then stopped, like he wasn't quite sure how to say it, and he
kept starting to say something, but he just couldn't get it out.  I felt
bad for him, I felt like he was maybe too embarrassed or nervous or scared
or something, and my heart just went out to him, like it did that first day
in the Galleria, by the big clock.  I thought that maybe if I started, it
would take a little of the pressure off him, so I asked if he remembered
the first time we saw each other.  He looked startled for a second, like he
was totally not expecting me to ask that, and he shook his head for a few
seconds and then started to say it was a time at Sav-Rite when I dropped
his change on the floor and had to get down on my hands and knees to get
it. That's when I thought maybe he didn't remember when PJ and Jamie and me
saw him at the mall, or maybe he didn't get a good enough look at me that
first time to know that it was me, so I described it to him, and all of a
sudden I was ashamed of myself for bringing that up, cuz it was reminding
him of a time when he was so sad, and he got the strangest look on his
face, and I knew he remembered it then, and suddenly I was scared that
maybe we had hurt him so bad when that happened that now he hated me, and I
was telling him how sorry I was that it had happened, and I was trying to
tell him that it was PJ and Jamie, and they were doing it to tease me
because I was so sad for him, and that he had been in my thoughts pretty
much all the time since then.

   I felt like something I told him must of been the wrong thing to say,
because all of sudden he wanted to leave, and I was scared and sad at the
same time, I thought the date was over and he was gonna take me home.  I
was asking him if that was it, if he was taking me home, and he looked at
me with that same strange look and he shook his head and said, no, not yet,
that he needed to take me someplace else first, and he had me get in the
car.  While we were driving, I started to get really super scared, cuz I
didn't know where we were going or why.  It was just a tiny little bit that
I was scared that maybe he might really hurt me, like he thought maybe he
needed to punish me for what happened at the mall, but mostly I was scared
cuz I felt like I had hurt him again somehow by reminding him of that, and
I knew that he was already hurting so bad over it and if I made him hurt
even more over it, that would be the worst thing ever.

   But that wasn't it at all.  He took me to the make-out point at
Cedargrove Park.  There wasn't any other cars up there when we got there,
it was just the two of us, and he parked and turned off the car and turned
to look at me.  I thought, "Is this it?  Is he gonna try to make out with
me?", and I was confused and scared and excited and nervous and happy all
at the same time, but mostly nervous, cuz I knew something was gonna
happen, but I didn't know what, and I didn't know what I wanted it to be.
And he reached over and held my hand again, and said there was some things
he needed to tell me, and he was gonna tell me right there and then, but
before he did, he asked if he could kiss me again.  I could tell that he
was just as nervous and scared as I was, and knowing that, knowing that he
was scared of me, or I guess scared of telling me something, somehow just
made me relaxed, like I knew he was just as afraid of being hurt, and
afraid of hurting me, as I was of him.  I mean, not really relaxed, cuz I
was still so nervous and everything, but all of a sudden I wasn't scared
anymore, it wasn't like nervous scared, it was more like nervous ready, and
it was more relaxed than nervous.  So I said yes, for him to go ahead and
kiss me, cuz I wanted him to be relaxed like me, I wanted him to know that
I was ready to hear anything he had to tell me.

   And we kissed.  And kissed.  And KISSED.  And it was even better than
the first time we kissed, it was like we were back in that moment, that
time that lasts forever and ever, where we just go on kissing until the end
of the world.  I could feel him holding my side, and then his hand moved
around to my back, and he was pulling me closer and closer, and then we
were touching all the way, like completely up against each other, and it
felt so right, like I had been waiting my whole life for somebody to hold
me like that, like just being in his arms was the best and safest place in
the world to be, like nothing could ever hurt me again as long as he was
holding me like that.

   And when he started to pull away, like he was done kissing me, I
couldn't stand it, I needed for it to not stop, so I grabbed him and pulled
him close and kept kissing him.  I was pressing my whole body up against
his, like my breasts were mashing up against his chest and my leg was
sliding up over his, and I had my arms wrapped around him and I was just
trying to hug him and squeeze him as hard as I could.  I wanted him to get
the message, "Don't ever let me go, just hold me forever and ever and
ever". He must of got the message, cuz he reached down and put his hand on
my butt and squeezed and rubbed it like super gentle, not like he was
playing grabass like Jimmy did, it was more like he was holding something
precious that he was scared to break if he held it too tight.  And the
whole time, these sparkles in my crotch just kept jumping and swirling
around, like electric tingles deep inside me.  If I had to describe what
magic feels like, that's what it would be; if there was really such a thing
as magic, that's what it would feel like, that sparkly tingly feeling.

   And then we were done kissing; it wasn't like he pulled away from me or
I pulled away from him, it was like it just happened on it's own, like we
were both done, and we sat back and just looked at each other.  He was
touching my face and my hair and stroking my lips with his thumb, and I was
doing pretty much the same thing to him, and we just sat there holding each
other's faces for the longest time.

   And then he sat back, and he told me that he couldn't believe I was even
real, he said everything was so perfect and right that he was afraid that
he was dreaming about me again, and he was scared he was gonna wake up and
find out it was all just another dream about me.  And I told him, "It's
real, Steve, it's so real, it's the realest thing that's ever been," and I
took his hand and pulled it up and put it on my breast and told him to feel
how real it was.  He was just staring at his hand on my breast, like that
proved it WASN'T real, his expression was like, "See, I told you I'm only
dreaming, there's no way this could be happening in real life." And I was
scared and happy at the same time, and I took his hand off and pulled my
blouse up and pulled my bra up and then I took his hand and put it back on
my breast, and he wasn't squeezing or rubbing or anything, he was just
staring at it like he couldn't believe it.  And then he started moving his
hand, not squeezing or pressing, just brushing it so lightly over my skin,
like he was afraid to hurt me, and then he took my nipple in his fingers
and brushed it real light, like a feather was touching it, and it felt so
good, it was like the most delicious thing I had ever felt in my life.  And
then he leaned over and put his mouth on my nipple, so gentle and so
tender, and when his tongue touched it, I thought I was gonna pass out cuz
it felt so good, and the feeling wasn't just in my nipple or even just my
breast, it was like it was in my whole chest and running down my arms and
up my neck, like this glow that was spreading all over me.  And I started
to know why he thought he was dreaming, cuz I had never felt anything that
good in my whole life, it didn't even feel real, it was like my mind just
couldn't grasp how good it felt.

   And then he pulled back and looked at me, and he pulled my bra back down
over my breasts, and he pulled my blouse back down, and he said he didn't
deserve this much happiness.  His face was so sad, I could see how much he
was hurting, and I was hurting just as bad for him, it felt like I was
gonna cry.  And he told me that it had been more than 20 years since he had
gotten to hold a woman and kiss her.  He said he'd been waiting so long
that he'd forgotten what it was like to even touch a woman, he said he
couldn't even remember the feeling and that having forgotten something so
important like that was like being dead inside, like not even wanting to be
alive.  And that was the saddest and loneliest thing I'd ever heard in my
life.  And I did cry, a couple of tears anyway, and I told him he wasn't
alone anymore, I told him he had me now, and he didn't have to feel dead
inside anymore, he could touch me and hold me and feel alive again.  I
started to pull my blouse up again, but he took my hand and made me pull it
back down, and he told me that he couldn't touch me if it was a lie, he
said I had to know everything, I had to know the truth about what was
really happening before I let him touch me anymore, otherwise it was like
he was trying to trick me and lie to me and use me.  I was so confused, I
didn't know what he was talking about.  I asked him what was a lie, what
did he mean by that?  And he said, "This is the lie," and he put his hand
in his pocket and pulled out a ring, and he put it on his finger and showed
it to me, and he said, "I'm married."

   I didn't understand what he was telling me, at first.  I mean, I knew
what it was to be married, but it didn't apply to him somehow; he was my
Steve, my special one, he couldn't be married, he couldn't belong to
someone else, it just wasn't right or real.  Like, how could you be married
to someone and not even be able to touch them, like if he really was
married, then how had it been 20 years since he had even touched his wife?
It didn't make sense.  Then he was telling me about his wife, about this
cold, unloving woman named Susan, and about how he had two kids with her,
but they were all grown up and didn't need him anymore, his kids didn't
need him and Susan didn't need him and even his best friend from high
school didn't need him, he was about as alone as a human being could be and
still be living a normal life.  He told me about years and years of trying
to touch his wife and love her and kiss her and how she had thrown it all
back in his face, about how she told him she loved him but every time he
tried to return that love, she just put up this wall of ice that he
couldn't break through.  He was crying when he told me about it, like the
tears were just pouring down his face like rain, and I could see it was all
true, the years of heartache and frustration and anger and despair and
pain. And I was crying too, I was touching his face and trying to wipe away
his tears, but they were coming faster than I could wipe, and I put my face
up to his and I tried to kiss the tears away, but he pushed me back and
said he wasn't done, he had more to tell me.  And then he told me the worst
thing of all, the thing that was worse even than the loneliness, was that
he was trying to kill himself.  And when he said that, it just kind of
ripped a scream out of me, I was like "NOOO", and I jumped across and
grabbed him and wrapped my arms around him so tight, like I was trying to
keep his arms pinned to his side, like I was afraid that if I let go, he
was gonna pull out a gun and shoot himself in the head or something, and I
wanted him to be alive more than anything, even if I could never feel him
touch me again, it wouldn't matter as long as he was still alive.  I was
crying, I mean just bawling like a baby, and I was telling him I didn't
want him to be dead, I was saying "Don't be dead Steve, be alive and be
with me, be alive and hold me and kiss me," and he was crying so hard it
was like he was howling, like just this long drawn-out "OOOHHH", and he
told me he loved me, and he said he didn't have any right to tell me that,
cuz he didn't even know me or know anything about me, we were strangers to
each other, and he told me that he had promised himself that he was only
gonna tell me the truth for ever and ever and never lie to me, and he
shouldn't be telling me he loved me, but it was the truth, he really did
love me.  And I was crying so hard I couldn't even see anything.  I was so
sad for his pain, and so angry at his wife for making him have all that
pain, and so happy that I could help him even a little bit.  We were
holding each other so tight, I thought we were gonna crush each other, I
thought our chests were gonna just merge together somehow and we would just
have one heart between us, just one heart beating for both of us.  I told
him that, about just having one heart between us, and he was saying he
loved me, and the words just got ripped out of me, I couldn't help it, I
was telling him I loved him too, and when I said it, I knew it was true, I
knew I really did love him.

   I don't know how long we sat there holding each other like that, it felt
like hours and hours.  And we were both snuffling pretty hard, our noses
were running really bad, and I pulled back and looked at him, and he looked
at me, and at the same time, we both said, "You're a mess," I mean we both
said the same words at the same time, and it was the funniest thing ever,
we were smiling at each other and then we started laughing, and we were
laughing so hard we couldn't even breathe.  He had some tissues in the
glovebox, and we blew our noses and got our faces cleaned up, and then we
were just sitting there and looking at each other again.  And he said, "So
now what are we gonna do?  I mean, now that we know we love each other, and
that I'm not supposed to be with you, what are we gonna do about it?" I
said I didn't know.  And we kissed again, and it was different this time,
it was like before when I kissed him it was so tender and pure and holy,
but this time it was almost dirty, like the start of sex or something.  I
felt his tongue touch my lips, and I opened my mouth and his tongue started
to go in, but not thrusting and hard like Jimmy did it, it was almost shy,
like he was asking permission, like I had told him to come on in but he
still didn't know if it was right or if he should.  His tongue was like
just touching mine, like so gentle and shy, and I wanted to show him it was
okay, and I stuck my tongue all the way inside his mouth, and I moved over
as close as I could while I was doing it, I put my leg up over his, and I
could feel his thing, his penis I mean, and it was hard, I could feel how
hard it was against my thigh, and I knew how excited he was, and I thought
for sure we were gonna do it, have sex I mean.  But we didn't.  We just
kissed a bunch more, with tongues and everything, and he started kissing my
neck, and it felt so good, it was making magic sparkles all through my
chest and my tummy.  And after a while he stopped, and looked at his watch,
and he told me it was 11:30, and that he had to get home.  And he drove me
to my house, of course I had to tell him where it was, and when he pulled
up in the driveway, we kissed again, and he asked if I had to work
tomorrow. I told him that I did, from 10 to 4, and he asked if I wanted to
go see a movie after my shift was over.  I had to ask him, cuz I just
wanted to hear him say the words, I asked him if it was a date, and he got
the biggest smile ever, and he nodded and asked me if I would go on a date
with him.  And I was so happy I couldn't even talk, I just nodded.  And he
reached in his pocket and pulled out this little box, and he opened it, and
it was this beautiful necklace, a silver chain that was so thin and pretty,
with a heart on it, and inside the heart there were these two sparkly
little red stones that were touching each other.  He took it out of the box
and put it on me, and it was so light, but somehow it felt heavy against my
skin, like I was super aware that it was there and that I was wearing it.
And we kissed one more time, and he said good night, and I told him good
night, and I went in the house.  And after I got in the house, I looked out
the window, and he was still sitting in the driveway.  He sat there for
like 5 minutes, just sitting and looking at the house, and finally he
started the car and drove away.  In the living room the TV was on, but dad
was asleep on the couch, he was sitting up and he must of fallen asleep
while watching TV.  I shook him a little bit to let him know I was home,
and he woke up and asked how my night was.  I told him it was super good,
which woke him up a little more, and he saw the necklace, and he touched
it, and he looked in my eyes and said, "Steve?" All I could do was smile
and nod, and he touched the side of my face and said how happy I looked,
and he was happy for me, and said he wanted to hear all about Steve when I
was ready to tell him.  I kissed him and hugged him and said okay, and I
went to my room, and now I'm writing this, and it's almost 1:00, and I
don't think I'll be able to get to sleep tonight.

   24 Mar (3:30 AM)

   I've been sitting here for over an hour, just staring at the screen,
trying to make this entry.  It's not just difficult, it's damn near
impossible.  Life has done a 180 on me; in the last 24 hours I've gone from
being a confused, frightened, would-be suicide, to a starry-eyed, hopeful
daydream believer.  I've spent half my life stuck in an industrial freezer,
and just as I finally decided to stop moving around and settle down and let
the cold claim me, a secret trapdoor opened, and I stepped through, and now
I'm in a sunlit summer meadow with the warm lifegiving sun blazing down on
me.

   Barb.  Beautiful sweet lovely precious rare Barb.  I didn't have any
right or reason to expect that she would accept me or open up to me as she
did.  She is...  she is God.  I don't mean that blasphemously, and I still
don't know if I believe in a personal God who listens and gets involved in
our lives, but...  no, I do, I believe in God, and Barb is my proof.  She
is my gift from God, she is my reason to go on.

   After we left Aunt Sadie's and went to Cedargrove, and she let me kiss
her again...  oh my God, "let" me kiss her?  She wanted the kiss more than
I did, and I wanted it like it was the last breath of air in a sinking
ship. Her kiss was...  okay, I'm trapped again.  There are no words for it.
It was the sculpture of "The Kiss" by Rodin.  It was Cupid and Psyche.  It
was Daphnis and Chloe.  God!  It was EVERYTHING.  It was Alpha and Omega.
It was...  it was the beginning of the fucking world.  It was Adam and Eve.
And when the kiss was over, my plan to tell her about Susan just
evaporated. The feeling was so overwhelming, so unreal, that I was
dissociated, detached from reality, as though I had strayed into some
alternate realm.  I told her I felt like I was dreaming, that this couldn't
be real; and that's when she put my hand on her breast.  I mean, she pulled
up her clothes and bared her breast to me, and took my hand and put it on
her bare breast.  Her soft, warm, beautiful, tender breast, this package of
perfection, this flesh straight from the hand of the Creator; and her
nipple, this amazing rounded dome, standing out so firm and solid, a
magnificent peak, that felt so wonderful under my fingers, like the
pinnacle of delight, like...  like life, like the meaning of life was in
it. I didn't intend to, without even realizing what I was doing, I put my
mouth on it, and the feel of her nipple under my tongue sent a shockwave
from my mouth straight down to my testicles, an electric current that
sizzled straight down my spine and lit up my balls like an invisible sun
and made it almost impossible to breathe.

   Somewhere in there, some part of my brain (or maybe it was my soul?  or
maybe the angel on my right shoulder gained the upper hand over the devil
on my left shoulder?  but SOME part of me) grabbed me by the scruff of the
neck and reminded me of my responsibility; reminded me that I was stealing
from this gorgeous creature, that until I told her the complete truth about
myself, I was robbing her of the choice of whether or not to allow a
cheating lying bastard to possess her beautiful flesh.  I've made enough
mistakes in my life, and I was damned if I was going to commit another one
by being a goddamned thieving rapist.  So I told her.  I showed her my ring
and told her.  Everything.  I mean, EVERYTHING.  I told her things I didn't
mean to tell her.  The only thing I WANTED to tell her, that I really MEANT
to tell her, was that I was married and that there was no passion or
intimacy in the marriage; but what came pouring out was all the heartache
and pain and grief and anger of the last 24 years.  I couldn't stop myself,
I was just projectile vomiting my misery all over her, it just came out in
this godawful torrent of rage and fear; all the lonely nights and lonely
tears and lonely arms and lonely everything were packed into this monstrous
rush of agony, all the things I've had to keep trapped inside for so long
now.  I told her it hurt so bad that the only way I could see to escape the
pain was to take the coward's way out; I told her that I was trying to kill
myself.  And before I could say any more, before I could tell her about the
starvation, she just screamed and grabbed me and held me tight, tighter
than I've ever been held before in my life.  It was as if her resolve had
given her arms of steel; I couldn't move; she was holding me so tight that
it hurt, I mean it really HURT, and the pain of being held so tight was the
most wonderful thing she could have given me right then.  The dichotomy was
so unbelievable, to think that someone wanted me so much that they would
lock me up like that, to prevent me from getting away, compared to Susan
who really does have me locked up by means of a wedding band, and who just
doesn't care, who cut me loose long ago, that I felt this primal scream
come out of me, just this long drawn-out tortured wailing of the damned. 
And that was my affirmation; just like that, I knew it really was love that
I felt for her, the feeling was so deep and true and RIGHT...  balls to
bones, I KNEW it, I knew it was love, and I told her so; I said it, I said
the words.  I said, "I love you, Barb, I love you and I'm in love with you
and I love you." And it kept right on being a dream that became real,
because miracle of miracles, she told me the same thing, she said the words
too, she said "I love you, Steve." She SAID it, she said IT, she said she
loves me!  LOVES!  ME!  It was the most cathartic moment I've ever had in
my life.  All the rust and decay, all the useless detritus and sludge, were
blasted out of my system.  I was changed, I was new and real.

   After we climbed out out of the emotional pit that I had dragged us
into, and got ourselves cleaned up from the explosion of tears, we did a
little more physical exploration.  Whereas before the kisses had been
perfection, the perfect representation of a man and a woman coming
together, this time they were the beginning of real desire, the first basic
awakening of what would become lust.  This time it became a French kiss,
and I got an erection while we were doing it, and when she rubbed her leg
against it, I knew she could feel it, because she kept rubbing and rubbing
her thigh right over top of it.  I wanted SO MUCH to slide my hand into her
pants and discover the treasures hidden there, but something pulled me
back. I think it might have been that I didn't want our first sexual
experience to be in a car, I wanted everything to be perfect; starlight and
lace, rose petals and musk, silk sheets and gently billowing curtains.  I
owed that much to this beautiful little girl.

   It was that reluctance, that sense of caution, that allowed me to remain
alert enough to notice how late it was getting; almost too late to tell
Susan I had been at a movie the entire time.  I told Barb we needed to get
back, and she smiled her shy sweet smile and nodded, and directed me to her
home; which is how I learned that she lives on a cul-de-sac that branches
off of Marley, a little side street called Venus Circle.  Before she got
out, I asked her to see a movie with me the next day, of course she said
yes, and I gave her the necklace, and when I put it on her, she was almost
glowing.  And she gave me a goodnight kiss and she went in the house, and I
spent a few minutes just basking in the feeling, absorbing the knowledge
that I had a lover, that we were in love and that life was worth living. 
And I went home.

   Susan was asleep when I got in.  I tried to get in bed as quietly as
possible, but of course she roused enough to be aware that I was there. 
She asked what time it was, and asked how the movie was; and I said it was
pretty good, a lot better than I had expected it would be, and she dropped
off to sleep again.  And as I lay there looking up at the ceiling, I became
aware that I could still smell Barb's perfume; it was on my fingers, and my
arms, and I think it was on my face as well.  I slipped out of bed without
waking Susan, and I scrubbed myself raw in the bathroom sink, and I laid
down on the couch, and closed my eyes, and all I could see when I did that
was Barb's face, and her beautiful beautiful breasts.  And I slept.

   I was up at 5:00, and it was Saturday, and it was the first weekend of
my newly revitalized life.  Of course I had an erection when I woke;
strange, if I had dreamed of her, I don't remember it.  I took a shower in
the basement bathroom so as not to wake Susan, and I confess that I
masturbated while thinking of Barb.  All it took was the memory of her
nipple under my tongue to make it work, and when I ejaculated, it was so
powerful, so forceful, that my legs gave way and I sank to my knees while
green sparkles danced around in my vision.  After I got dressed I made
coffee, and by 7:00 I had drunk the whole pot, a cup at a time, while
walking around outside in the chilly morning and wondering how I would
prevent myself from rushing over to Barb's house like the love-starved
lunatic I was.  And while I was doing that, I realized I was ravenously
hungry.  Bizarre.  I haven't been really, truly hungry for weeks now.  It
was as though once one of my appetites had been roused, it woke up the
other one.  How natural, I realized; now that I had a reason to stay here,
my body was demanding I do something about it.  I went back in the house
and scrambled and ate a couple of eggs, and resisted the urge to make toast
to go with them, and I felt so full that I was almost uncomfortable.  I
took off my clothes and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, and was
digusted by what I saw, and I knew that I couldn't offer this grotesquerie
to the Queen of my world.  I realized that I did look thinner than before,
but I saw I had a ways to go.  And I knew that it wasn't enough to just
lose the weight, I had to build myself up as well.  I had to add
definition, I had to make my flesh worth looking at.  And I thought of
Duane, and how he had kept up with his weightlifting all these years, and
how good he still looked.  And I knew what I had to do.

   I sent Duane a text to see if it was okay for me to come over.  I was on
edge waiting for his response, which didn't come until an hour later, and
it said that he was going out of town in the afternoon, but that he would
be happy to have me come over in the morning.  I roused Susan and told her
I was going out for a walk, as part of my weight loss effort.  She was a
little cranky at being disturbed, and went right back to sleep as soon as I
told her.

   I walked to Duane's, 3 miles away, and it only took me 40 minutes.  He
was glad to see me, and we sat and talked for a bit, and he remarked how
good I looked.  I attributed it to the starvation, and told him I had
changed my mind, that I wasn't going to try to starve to death anymore,
that I wanted to live, and be healthy, and he just nodded in that quiet,
accepting way he has, and his only remark was, "That works." I told him how
envious I was of his physique and that I needed his help in getting into
shape.  He took me down in the basement and showed me his new weight set
that he had gotten a few months ago, and his old weight set stacked in the
corner, and said I could have the old set and that I was welcome to take it
home with me.  We talked for a while about weight lifting, and he gave me
some pointers, some basic advice on how to start, and said that as long as
I had decided to live, then getting in shape was a smart thing to do.  He
was glad that I wanted to lift weights, and asked what had been the
catalyst, what made me change my mind, what made me want to start now, was
it a delayed midlife crisis, or what?  And I fumbled and hemmed and hawed,
and then it just all came out in a rush; I told him about Barb, and how we
met, and how beautiful she is, and what we had done last night, and how it
had blown away my death wish.  His eyes just got huge, and this enormous
grin was plastered all over his face.  He kept saying, "You son-of-a-bitch!
You lucky ratbastard!" I didn't tell him the whole truth; I purposely
avoided mentioning Barb's age, I just told him that she was a grocery
checker.  As open and enthusiastic as he was, I wasn't sure what his
opinion would be if he knew she was only 16.  He's been after me for so
long to leave Susan that he was certain this was the end of my marriage, he
thought that in no time at all I would be divorcing her so I could be with
Barb.  And I realized that I hadn't thought far enough ahead to know what I
was going to do.  Any vague and unrealized plans I had made so far, had
only to do with keeping it from Susan, with hiding the truth from her. 
Duane's enthusiasm made me realize I hadn't even begun to consider
everything I needed to.

   He told me he'll be out of town for 5 days, helping his stepbrother move
or something; not sure of the exact reason, I didn't listen too carefully;
I was still zoned out thinking about divorce.  He gave me a spare key to
his house so I can pick up the old weight set at my leisure, and use his
new weight set if I wanted to while he's gone.  And we just talked for
another couple of hours, and it was wonderful just being able to spend time
with him.  He gave me a lift home, and as I got out of the car, I leaned
back down before shutting the door and thanked him for being such a loyal
friend, and I told him I loved him.  He was uncomfortable for only a second
or two, and he gave me that quiet confident smile of his and told me he
loved me too, and for me to take care.  And he was gone.

   Susan was in the living room when I came in.  She asked if that was
Duane who had just dropped me off, and I admitted it was.  When I told her
about the gift of the weight set, she raised her eyebrows, but otherwise
had no comment.  I said that I would probably go see another movie later in
the afternoon, and she told me that could wait for a day because she wanted
us to go over to Carol and Sam's house for dinner, and for me to try to
figure out why their printer wasn't talking to their computer.  I felt
myself sinking through the floor; all the good feelings I'd been floating
around on had suddenly developed a serious leak as I was forcibly reminded
that my time and energies were not my own to command.  I grimaced inwardly
and put on my best poker face and swallowed my true feelings (something
I've become pretty skilled at over the last two decades), and pretended
that was fine by me.

   Fortunately, we were almost out of milk, so I told Susan I was going to
go to the store to get some.  She kvetched and carped about burning gas for
a single item, so I told her I was going to walk, to try to burn some
calories.  She pursed her lips and looked at me...  it wasn't quite a
glare, it wasn't really anger I was seeing in her eyes, nor suspicion, but
it was SOMETHING that unnerved me, something that rattled me and set me on
edge.  But I didn't care; I was alive, or coming back to life, anyway;
after so many years of cramming myself down, of trying to forget who I was,
I was beginning to remember, and it was cogent, it was something I wanted,
something I was GOING to have, no matter what.

   It was after noon by the time I got to Sav-Rite.  As I approached the
store, I was seized with a sudden rush of dread.  What if the kisses hadn't
been real, what if it was all just something I had manufactured in my fetid
imagination; or what if she had changed her mind, what if after having had
a chance to reflect on it all in the cold light of day, she realized what a
horrible mistake she had made, and she told me to leave her alone?  I had
more than half convinced myself that's what I would face when I went in,
but it didn't happen like that.  When she saw me, her face lit up like it
had before.  I walked over to her, and she was just smiling her heavenly
smile the whole time, and when I got up close to her, she put her hand on
the back of her neck and pushed her chest out at me and winked and in a
throaty whisper said "Hey lover man, how you doin' today?" My heart did a
few flip-flops, and I felt a stirring in my groin at the sight of her
lucious lips curved in that smile of hers.  The first two buttons of her
Sav-Rite polo were undone; I could see she was wearing the necklace I had
given her last night , and I was pleased to see how good it looked on her.
I was more than a little embarrassed to tell her I had to back out of our
movie date, explaining that my time had been appropriated by Susan.  She
looked crestfallen, but only for a few seconds.  She pouted for a few more
seconds, her lower lip stuck out, and an entirely new wave of love and
desire swept over me at the sight.  I apologized profusely and told her
perhaps it was for the best, as I wanted our next date to be something
special, not just something thrown together, not a hurried, harried
runaround at the end of a workday.  She smiled at that, and said she had
tomorrow off, and I told her that sounded perfect.  There was a pad of
sticky notes next to her register, so I pulled one off and scribbled my
cell phone number on it, and handed it to her, and told her if she called
it and I didn't answer, to leave a voicemail, and I would call her back as
soon as it was safe.  She got some customers in her lane just then, so I
gave her arm a squeeze and walked back into the store to grab a gallon of
milk, and I came back to have her check me out.  By the time I got there,
the previous customer was gone; it was just her and me.  I handed her the
milk, and she took it and put it right on the exit belt without scanning
it. I started to get out my wallet, but she put her hand on my arm and
shook her head, and with the most mischievous look I've ever seen, glanced
around until she found what I took to be the store manager, some
mustachioed goober with a goofy grin, and she shoved the milk a little
further down the belt and smiled at him, and he smiled and nodded and
turned around to walk off to some other part of the store.  She winked at
me as she put her finger to her lips, and her smile was DAZZLING.  I picked
up the milk and silently mouthed the words "I love you", and she, just as
silently, did the same to me, and I shoved the milk in a sack and walked
out the door and floated home.

   But on the way home, a faint shadow appeared in the vast gorgeous
cerulean field of heaven I was traipsing through, a vague sense of unease,
of something being slightly askew.  It grew and grew, becoming a grey haze
that threatened to obscure everything, and I recognized it for what it was;
the smile she'd given the store manager; and the smile she'd gotten from
him in return.  I knew it was foolish, I knew it was absolutely stupid to
worry about it, but I couldn't shake it.  It was...  jealousy, it was
unmistakably the green-eyed monster crawling up my ass and chewing on my
intestines.

   I was only a couple of blocks from home when my cell phone vibrated.  I
didn't recognize the number on the caller ID and was tempted to ignore it,
but curiosity won out, and I answered.  It was Barb, calling from the
Sav-Rite breakroom.  She confessed that she didn't have anything special to
tell me, she had just been dying to call the number I had given her and
hear my voice one more time.  With that one sweet pronoucement, I was able
to almost completely expel the monster from my gut.  I say almost, because
the savage bastard had gotten a clawhold in there and was resisting like a
demon.  Trying to sound nonchalant, I told her I was a little worried at
having just shoplifted a gallon of milk.  She laughed (the bells of Heaven,
her laughter is), and I could almost hear her looking furtively around her
as she lowered her voice to a whisper and told me that she had a free pass
from the store manager because one of her friends was...  she hesitated,
picking her words carefully...  one of her friends was doing special favors
for him.  She paused for a few seconds, then named the friend, Jamie, and
said Jamie was one of the ones she had been hanging out with under the mall
clock on Valentine's Day.  The monster in my gut must have looked up with
cold yellow fear in its eyes as the fiery blast of my love for Barb came
roaring down to incinerate it.

   The rest of the day was almost uneventful.  Susan and I went over to
Carol and Sam's in the late afternoon.  After I mucked around with their
printer for 15 or 20 minutes, I wound up uninstalling it and reinstalling
it with a new driver that I had to download from the Internet.  It printed
just fine after that, and Carol fell all over herself thanking me, because
she needed to print out some tickets for some concert or show or something
that her daughter wanted to see.  Carol and Sam both remarked that I looked
really good and said my diet was doing wonders for me.  Carol fretted a
little over her menu, she was worried that what she had prepared might not
fit into my diet.  I took a look at the skinless chicken tenderloins
sitting on a bed of rice, and the fresh green beans, and pasta salad, and
told her not to worry, that I was pretty much playing it by ear, and that
her delicious-looking food should be just fine.  I had three helpings of
green beans, and by the end of the second piece of chicken, I was miserably
full, and it took a supreme effort of will to accept the beer that Sam
forced on me.  We sat on the couch afterward and watched some ridiculous
talent show on TV, while Sam had another beer or three and Carol and Susan
started on a bottle of rosato (or some pink thing, I'm not really sure what
it was).  Between the beer and the boring show, I must have dozed off,
because the next thing I knew, Susan was snapping her fingers at me and
telling me it was time to go home.  Carol and Sam gave me strange smiles; I
thought it was because I had fallen asleep on their couch, but on the ride
home, I learned the real reason they had been looking at me that way.  When
we were three blocks away from their house, Susan looked at me and said,
"Who's Barb?" I felt my face turn to ice when she said that; my heart
lurched up into my neck and my temples were throbbing.  I took as deep a
silent breath as I thought I could without being obvious, and I glanced at
her and said, "Who's who?" She didn't say anything for a second or two,
then said, "Barb.  Who's Barb?  While you were passed out on Carol and
Sam's couch, you were saying that name in your sleep." My mind was racing
like a rocketsled, searching desperately, savagely, for anything, any way
out.  I remembered Duane's offer of his old weight set, and I said, "Oh, I
was dreaming about the Weight set Duane said I could have.  In my dream, we
were discussing how to put it together, and I was asking him about
adjusting the barbells." Further proof that God was on my side; the mention
of Duane immediately shifted Susan's attention 180 degrees; she puffed out
her cheeks and blew air through her pursed lips, a sure sign that she was
struggling to refrain from making a remark about what an asshole she thinks
Duane is.  Another few minutes passed in silence, then she looked at me as
if reappraising me and said, "You're really taking this seriously, aren't
you?  Why do you want a weight set?  Is it just to burn calories, or are
you trying to get ripped or something?" I told her that Duane had said it
was both, an excellent way to burn fat and to look better.  At a red light,
I looked her full in the face and said, "I know you said it was a wasted
effort for me to try to make myself more attractive to you, but you can't
fault me for trying, can you?" She stared at me for a few seconds as if
trying to decide what to say, and wound up just turning her head to look
out the window; but I could tell the reason she had turned her head was
because she wanted to hide her smile from me.  As we pulled into the
driveway at home, I was sure I heard her mutter the word "barbells", as if
she were testing it out on her tongue.

   A little after 9 PM Susan was watching TV in the living room, and she
had me bring her a glass of Chianti and a bowl of pretzels.  As I was
walking across the room to hand her the bowl and the glass, my cell phone
started to vibrate in my pocket.  I had to force myself to ignore it so I
could continue to move calmly, without giving away my extreme nervousness
at the humming that was happening so close to my crotch while I was
standing right in front of her.  Susan wasn't done with me; she asked me to
bring her some Ranch dressing in a cup, to dip the pretzels in, and I had
to clamp down on my anxiety so I could present an aura of boredom as I
brought her the dressing, then turn to make my way slowly out of the room.
I casually mentioned that I was going downstairs to start a load of
laundry; she didn't even look up at me, just waved a pretzel offhandedly to
indicate that I should shut up so she could hear the TV.

   Safely ensconced in the basement, I pulled out the phone and took a
look; the same number from earlier in the day that I presumed (hoped) was
Barb's cell phone, and the little icon indicating I had a new voicemail
message.  I listened to the voicemail, and it was exactly what I hoped it
was; my Barb.  Here's what she said: "Hi Steve, I love you!  I wanna call
you about a million more times, just so I can listen to your voicemail
greeting over and over again, but don't worry, I won't!  I can't stop
thinking about last night, it's been playing in my head all day, just over
and over and over and over and over, and I can't wait to get you alone and
taste your delicious lips again!  Listen, we don't have to go to a movie
tomorrow if you don't want to, anything is fine with me, as long as it's
with you.  Maybe you wanna go dancing?  or just go out to eat?  or
anything, babe, you name it, as long as it's a date and we can...  (at this
point the message is unrestrained giggling for about 5 or 6 seconds)...  we
can snuggle and kiss and...  and do stuff...  stuff...  (more giggling,
about 3 or 4 seconds' worth)...  stuff...  okay, well I won't fill up your
voicemail with my babbling any more, just call me tomorrow when you get a
chance, this is my cell phone, make sure you save the number from your
caller ID before you erase it.  Call me, lover, I'll be waiting!  G'night
babe, I'm so happy you're my big strong Romeo, g'night, I love you Steve,
g'night!" I listened to the message twice, then went to the hamper and
sorted laundry into piles while I replayed the message a few more times and
thanked God profusely for what was happening to me.

   After the afternoon's unconscious slip-up, where I had been apparently
been talking to Barb in my sleep, I was more than a little anxious over the
prospect of the night ahead.  I knew I could initiate an argument, so as to
make my sleeping on the couch seem natural and unforced, but didn't want to
go that way if I didn't have to; I tucked that away as a last resort. 
Susan had finished her Chianti, so I poured her another glass in hopes of
getting her drowsy.  She objected and scowled and said she didn't want a
second glass, but I left it on the end table next to her chair anyway, and
before long she had actually finished it.  When she nodded off in the
chair, I was emboldened to pick her up, to try to carry her to bed; she
roused herself halfway there and objected to being carried, but I ignored
her and continued on into the bedroom.  I sat her on the bed and tried to
take off her pants, but she slapped my hands away and did it herself.  She
was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, and I felt a strange surge
of desire and regret as I pulled the covers up over her bare legs.  I stood
there for a long time after that, just looking down at her sleeping form.
She was still pretty, very pretty; after 24 years of being married to a
lump of wood and having had 2 kids, she still had what it took to get my
heart pounding.  I hadn't noticed it for such a long time, because I had
been too busy learning to live without her, learning to live as an
indentured servant who is forbidden to take notice of his master.  But
there she was in front of me, in all her unconscious glory, snoring gently
and drooling just a little.  I unbuttoned her shirt and gently pulled it
back to gaze at her roundness.  Then I took it too far, by trying to unhook
her bra; she roused enough to become aware of what I was doing, and she
slapped my hands away asked what the hell I was doing.  I said I was just
trying to make her comfortable, which was true enough as far as that went,
but I knew we both understood that I had the secondary motivation of seeing
her naked.  I had unintentionally activated the backup plan of an argument,
and I shed my pants in the corner (after pulling my cell phone out of the
pocket) and grabbed a blanket and went out and laid down on the couch.  I
picked up the TV remote and flipped idly through the channels before my
attention was captured by a music video.  I listened to Barb's voicemail
message several more times while the video played, and when it was over I
turned off the TV and the lamp and laid there in the dark and kept
replaying the voicemail, listening to that sweet voice telling me she loved
me over and over again.

   Around 2:30, an hour or more ago, I woke up with a raging hard-on and
Barb's sweet voice still ringing in my ears.  I figured I'd better get this
entry made while everything is still fresh; hopefully I can get right back
to sleep.  Want to be fresh for my baby tomorrow.