Celestial Reviews 359 - March 23, 2000
Note: The attractive young woman was about to go to bed with her blind date
when she burst into tears.
"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm
really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.
"You're the first one," she gulped.
"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.
"No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."
Second note: The barmaid had a reputation for being a snobbish little tease.
The guys kept flirting with her, but she kept up the cold fa ade. Finally she
agreed to a deal with Ralph: "OK. I'll do it. But there are two conditions.
First, it'll cost you five hundred bucks. But second, it will be free if I
hear bells ringing and see lights flashing during the act. The bartender can
hold the money."
At closing time the next evening, Ralph and four of his friends each handed
the bartender a crisp hundred dollar bill, and then they gang-banged her on
the pinball machine.
Third note: A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to
his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave
him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form that he
had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all
that into this one little square?"
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"Surrogate Entertainment " by Notso Rednek (striptease orgy) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=591723533
"Hershey's" by Kristen Kathleen Becker (syrupy sex) 10, 8, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=591590493
"My Story" by LauraS (oral sex)ttp://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=590672929
"Perchance to Dream" by Todd Sayre (dreams & romance) 7, 7, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=592074673
"Abducted By Aliens" by Dr Spin (priapistic sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=592074693
"Going to Disneyland" by Al Steiner (truckin' & fuckin') 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594011889
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594011920
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594011954
"The Birthday Gift" by Velvet Rose (velvetrose@my-deja.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594113240
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Remote Controlled" by Jennifer Doalfer (exhibitionism & voyeurism). BillyG:
10, 10, 9.5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=579780223
"Flirting with Death" by Al Steiner. Cartwright: 9.5, 9, 8.5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=579911533
"From the Land of Snow" by Richard Rivers (frigid sex). Owl: 10, 6, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=561878451
"Decision Limited" by Acme Beta Test (romance). Anne: 8, 8, ?
"Freed" by E. Z. Riter (sexy teacher). Mary: {No numerical rating}
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=577157548
"From Poul's Viewpoint" by Jennifer Doalfer (spouse watching). BillyG: 9, 8,
9.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=591805972
"Jessica" by MichaelD (BDSM). Myers: {No numerical rating}
http://x42.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594418157
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "Forks" by Uther Pendragon(romance & marriage) 10, 10, 10
* "Blind" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (bdsm, etc.) 10, 10, 10
* "The Birthday Gift" by Wollstonecraft (adolescent seduction of adult) 9.5,
9.5, 10
* "Birthday" by Deirdre (mf bondage & anal sex) 10, 10, 10
* "Tom's Birthday Surprise" by Tom in Sacramento (orgy) 9, 10, 10
* "Surprise!" by Mark Aster (birthday bondage) 10, 10, 10
* "Freebie" by Deirdre (spontaneous oral sex) 10, 10, 10
* "Birthday Present" by OddManOut Anywhere (sex slavery) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444536278
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444531944
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444536272
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444536283
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444536290
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444540698
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444540706
* "Birthday Surprise" by Dulcinea (surprise party) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=228645600
* "A Birthday Wish Come True" by Empath (romance) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=335662065
* "Birthday Boy" by EazinAlong (incest) 10, 10, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376240409
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"Surrogate Entertainment " by Notso Rednek (palmcc@one.net.au).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=591723533
Nice story! Eleven couples have gathered together for a birthday party for
the only single guy in their social group. They have hired a stripper; and
the plan is for the guys to tie Pete down on the table, so that the stripper
can ply her trade on him. Unfortunately, the stripper gets into an automobile
accident and goes to the hospital instead of to the party.
The narrator suggests that one of the wives will have to take the stripper's
place.
It's an interesting premise, and the author carries it off very nicely.
Ratings for "Surrogate Entertainment "
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Hershey's" by Kristen Kathleen Becker (kristen078@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=591590493
I have a confession to make. I have never - and I mean absolutely never -
covered my entire body from head to toe with chocolate syrup and then let my
husband eat me alive. The girls in this story don't do that either - not
quite. Instead, they gather in a bar a wrestle in a tub of Hershey's Syrup,
while the crowd ogles and encourages them.
Maya is among the spectators, ogling and exhorting. She also notices the man
next to her has become somewhat aroused.
A short note is in order here. Maya is not a model schoolgirl. She's 28,
unmarried, and pregnant. She doesn't know who the father is, because she has
slept with exactly 266 men - although it's been more than nine months ago for
some of them. It's this sort of woman who keeps my taxes high by demanding
welfare benefits for the sweat young bastard she will bring into the world.
At least in Australia she could watch the sheep. Now back to the story.
The aroused man spills his beer on Maya. This is something akin to tossing
the gauntlet, and so Maya has to wrestle him in the Hershey's pit. You can
read the story for yourself. But keep in mind that it's not a good idea to go
bar hopping every night when you're pregnant.
It was an enjoyable story, but the pregnancy element seemed to be more of a
distraction than a contribution to the plot. I think the author should have
skipped the pregnancy and added some more arousing details.
Ratings for "Hershey's"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"My Story" by LauraS (lauras_1979@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=587937913
The narrator is a young lady who finds herself in a penile institution. The
author didn't use that term. I made it up; it was just to good a pun to miss.
Actually, she's in a vast vault whose walls are lined with apparently live
penises. She samples several and finds the experience to be good.
The scenario reminded me of something from a pornographic Disneyland - a
haunted mansion in which interesting things happen for the customer's
amusement.
This is the first story by a new author. Her writing shows promise. One
suggestion would be to give the next story a more descriptive title - like
maybe "Penile Service"!
Ratings for "My Story"
Athena (plot & character): 9.5
Venus (technical quality): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"20 Questions" by Generic Joe (genericjoe@vnet.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=590672929
I'm told this game used to be on television - back in the old black-and-white
days. I don't know how it worked back then, but in this case the guy has a
surprise for his lover and she has to guess it. She asks questions, and if
the answer is yes, then he removes a piece of clothing. If the answer is no,
then she strips. I'm told that this is almost exactly what somebody named
Dorothy Kilgallen did on the TV show.
It would seem to be easy to cheat at this game. Indeed, since there is no
rule requiring her to ever guess the answer, it would seem that she could ask
variants of the same question and get constant "yes" answers. "Is it smaller
than a bread box?" "Yes." "Is it smaller than the kitchen?" "Yes." "Is it
smaller than the car?" "Yes." Of course, my insight could be an example of
"being too smart for my britches," as my mother used to say. Why would anyone
want to "win" at this game?
The author ignores my "problem" and tells a nice, romantic story.
Ratings for "20 Questions"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Perchance to Dream" by Todd Sayre (toddsayre@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=592074673
Our narrator (Brendon) is a former child prodigy - a sixteen-year-old doctor
fresh out of med school, who could do nothing to save his beloved Jennifer
from the grave. So he signs on with a doctor who has developed an
experimental technique to manipulate dreams. The basic idea is that instead
of living a lonely miserable life without his beloved Jennifer, Brendon can
dream about her at will. The only possible side effect is that if something
goes wrong he be a vegetable for life, but nonetheless living life with
Jennifer once more - unconcerned about the real world. Oh, and there's a bug
in the program that Brendon doesn't know about.
The story offers some thought-provoking ideas about love, life, and dreams.
The grammar errors are not overwhelming, but they are annoying. The author
says he wrote this story while on medication. Ergo (I suppose), there is a
law against looking it over when the stupor has passed. I am being sarcastic,
of course. This is the basis of a good story, but reading the damned thing
over might have enabled the author not only to knock out the grammatical
kinks, but also to improve the logic of the plot in ways that would have made
it have a better impact.
I don't mean to berate this author, but what am I missing here? A guy whips
off a decent story, admits that it's probably bad because he crapped it up
because he was on medication, and then "publishes" it without taking the
trouble of cleaning up the mistakes that he acknowledges are there. Probably,
the author has in his mind the real story he intended to right. He just
hasn't shared that story with the rest of us yet.
Ratings for "Perchance to Dream"
Athena (plot & character): 7
Venus (technical quality): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Abducted by Aliens" by DrSpin (drspin@newsguy.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=592074693
Let me say it up front. This was an absolutely delightful story.
Ace has a really, really hard hard-on. Rigid. Firm. Infelxible. A veritable
sight to behold. The trouble is, he doesn't even know the girl who instigated
this state of arousal, and he has never been less turned on in his life,
despite the obvious evidence to the contrary.
So he fakes it. He shakes his hips, arches his back, lifts his head, looks
beseechingly at the ceiling as though there is a God after all, screams like
a banshee - the whole nine yards, or at least nine inches, I guess. For
dramatic effect he even thumps the pillow beside her head with a savage
downward karate chop. But there's no cum, and the boner stays.
Now here's where it gets interesting. I think I forgot to tell you that this
all takes place in New Zealand, where they call their women sheilas. The
first sheila gives Ace as a birthday present to another sheila, whose name is
Carol. Also note that even by Australian standards, neither of these sheilas
would win a beauty contest. Also, the erection is not so much painful as
tender, like a swollen spider-bite.
As long as he works it long, slow and smooth the discomfort of sexual
intercourse is minimal - even soothing. I asked my husband if this was
realistic. He told me he didn't know. Good answer.
This story gives new meaning to the term Manifest Destiny. I'm afraid you'll
have to look that one up.
When the guy finally goes to the doctor to get rid of the erection, it turns
out to be a female doctor (i.e., a medical sheila, I guess). This part of the
story refutes my husband's theory that if there were more female
proctologists with hot bodies, men would be more willing to go in for some of
their annual checkups. At this point we hear the best pun in the story: "I
have nothing against women doctors."
Fortunately, the doctor turns out to be both competent and handy, since her
husband is playing in an annual rugby tournament in Fiji. {The people who
live there are called Figians, not Figiots - the latter term is short for
"Fucking Idiots."} It turns out the poor s.o.b. has priapism, which is a real
medical term. This is a serious problem. Priapism can do permanent damage to
one's reproductive capacities. You don't want to know how this problem is
cured. The easy way is to take a common anti-inflammatory drug. The hard way
got rid of my husband's erection when I simply repeated the method to him
three times with incremental intensity.
Ratings for "Abducted By Aliens"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Going to Disneyland" by Al Steiner (al_steiner@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594011889
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594011920
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594011954
The worst part about Disneyland is the camouflaged queues. You stand in line
in a queue that appears to contain maybe 600 people outside the Pirates of
the Caribbean. Finally, you inch forward enough to think you're almost there,
and there's another queue even longer! There's no way out of this. You've
already spent 20 minutes getting to this point, and so you might as well
spend another half hour so that you can watch the pirates chase the wenches.
This story just barely mention queues at all - and then only after 13,558
words of more interesting lore. Instead, it dwells on what might be called
Fantasyland - the trip TO Disneyland by a boy of 15 in the sleeping
compartment of his uncle's eighteen-wheeler with his sex-starved aunt, while
Uncle Dave supplies the transportation and looks out for county mounties. As
they say, "Getting there is half the fun." The other half of the fun is the
ride back home.
During this Odyssey from Tacoma to Los Angeles and back, Aunt Marla teaches
young Mikey some interesting games to play. Marla, of course, is attracted to
Mikey primarily because of his intellect. That plus the fact that Uncle Dave
lost his ability to fire his cannon while he was over in Vietnam - not from a
battlefield wound, but from the effects of too much time with the whores of
Danang.
Like most trips to Disneyland, this one is educational as well as enjoyable
for young Michael. It's all extremely sexy.
Ratings for "Going to Disneyland"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Birthday Gift" by Velvet Rose (velvetrose@my-deja.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594113240
For her 18th birthday Anna receives a car from her parents and a dildo from
her girlfriend. They try the dildo out reciprocally.
This is unadorned FF sex - no plot complexities, just two good orgasms.
It was a good story.
I have now reviewed three stories with this exact title. The best is the one
by Wollstonecraft. There have been several other stories with similar titles
on the same general birthday theme. I'll post the reviews of the ones I
consider to be my favorites. Maybe these will come in handy for someone
special, just in case you can't afford a car or a dildo for their special day.
Ratings for "The Birthday Gift"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Remote Controlled" by Jennifer Doalfer (doalfer@hotmail.com)
Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=579780223
Often the first-person, purely narrative story without a glimmer of dialog
suffers from a lack of connection. Initially, there is a measure of that
distance in "Remote Controlled," a story of exhibitionism and voyeurism
spiked with the use of a remote controlled dildo. Jennifer Doalfer, I
believe, is a Dane and again, I'm impressed with her effective and correct
use of a second language, English as she relates this little tale.
Jennifer's man, Poal, gives her a cordless, remote-controlled dildo in her
Christmas stocking and straight away, they try it out while in public. A
large measure of the eroticism in this story is given strength by Jennifer's
loss of embarrassment and inhibitions as she's inevitable turned on by Poal's
manipulation of the indwelling sex toy. Her conventional restraint and
modesty give way to a lusty exhibitionism as she's driven closer and closer
to orgasm, initially in a restaurant and later in a theater. Emotionally and
sexually primed, the story concludes with her helpless response while dancing
with another man as Poul controls her stimulation from afar.
The complete lack of dialog prevents us from getting to know the characters
but Jennifer's description of her actions allow us a detailed and view of her
sexual feelings and responses. It's an exciting view of an erotic couple's
sexual game and well worth the read.
Ratings for "Remote Controlled"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10 (limited to Jennifer)
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Flirting with Death" by Al Steiner (al_steiner@hotmail.com). Guest Review by
Admiral Cartwright.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=579911533
Fortunately (for my schedule), this story is not nearly as long as the OTHER
tome for which Steiner likely is best known, but the author's care in
crafting his tale is no less obvious. Only a few minor grammatical errors ("I
also have a fuel checker, which I use to test a sample with each time I
refuel the plane..." - the verb phrase 'use to' makes 'with' redundant) kept
the technical score just under perfection.
Steiner's strength is his innate ability to keep the reader attentive, if not
riveted, to a story in which sex nearly is an afterthought. Indeed, in
context, the sex seemed *too* brief; this, having just congratulated a
different author for descriptions "without unnecessary linger", seems almost
contradictory, but is not.
The only other fault with 'Flirting With Death' is its ending: without giving
anything away, it was just too pat, too easy. I could nearly hear Steiner say
to himself, "wow, what a great story... now how do I end this thing?" I'd
have done something more in line with the title but, then again, that's just
me (of course, I'm the same guy who wrote a new ending to 'Star Trek: First
Contact' because it left me unsatisfied).
Its faults are minor, however, and 'Flirting With Death' can be recommended
for a good read.
Ratings for "Flirting with Death"
Athena (technical merit): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Admiral (appeal to reviewer): 8.5
"From the Land of Snow" by Richard Rivers (richard_rivers@hotmail.com). Guest
review by Watchful Owl.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=561878451
This story was refreshing: a bit of prose with some thought behind it! I use
the word "prose" intentionally; the writing was of a very high quality, with
none of the technical errors or rampant vernacular (snicker) that you find in
other pieces. On that level I enjoyed it very much.
The plot tells the tale of a man lost in a blizzard. Fortunately, he finds a
man with a lantern and is asked to stay the night. The old man has a
surprisingly beautiful young wife and an equally beautiful daughter.
Astoundingly, our hero and the women do not immediately fall into bed
together! I was pleased with that.
Unfortunately, the plot went a little flat afterward. The end of the story,
intended to be a surprising twist, worked only halfway. I don't want to give
anything away, though. Suffice to say that the *method*, not the
*circumstance*, surprised me.
There was very little actual sex in this story. That could be good or bad,
depending on your point of view, mood, and intelligence. What there was,
however, was very good, in my opinion: soft, sweet, and every inch fine
writing.
In the end, then, I would recommend "From the Land of Snow." However, I am
not likely to seek it out and read it again.
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot and character): 6
Watchful Owl (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Decision Limited" by Acme Beta Test (acmebetatest@hotmail.com)
Review by Anne747 (Anon747@aol.com)
This story is a Caesar's Archive repost of a Kristen's collection post,
originally posted (I'm guessing by now) by the above author. I only mention
this because the original codes from the author were (mf/first/nc?/rom),
Kirsten's coded it as (mf, 1st, nc, rom), and Caesar coded it as (mf, rom).
It begins to make you wonder who is right? In this case, the author was
right.
We meet David, the main character, when he is the keynote speaker at a NOW
conference. National Organization for Women in case you didn't know. On the
way home on the train he muses about an attractive woman he has met. His
thoughts are interrupted when he is forced into another compartment where he
finds the woman of his dreams bound and gagged. The strangers order him to
rape her, or he will kill him.
I admit, this is where this story lost me. The author has done a good job of
creating tension, but I don't really understand what happens next. David
asks Hannah to marry him, and she agrees. I can't figure out how this would
lessen being raped by one person you barely know, in front of another person
holding a gun. David begins to gently rape Hannah, and manages to disarm the
man with the gun (well, accidentally).
Then Hannah and David plan meeting her parents and talk about the wedding. I
think this might have worked better as a longer story. It might even have
made a little more sense if the couple had been involved (even as coworkers)
before the scene on the train. Forgetting the man with the gun, and the
order to rape, the jump to engagement and wedding plans seemed extremely out
of place.
There is no sexual violence in the story. It certainly doesn't follow any
typical nc story. I just didn't find it a completely cohesive piece.
Ratings for "Decision Limited"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): Can't decide
"Freed" by E. Z. Riter (ezriter@hotmail.com). Guest Review by Mary Jorsay
Gandmar (maryjg@finebody.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=577157548
Ooh, this is sooo good! Lovely, lovely story this - hilarious, sexy and
superbly written. Who could ask for more?
Henry and Patty are classmates, she is a constant distraction to him and he
knows it. Their teacher, Ms Armbuster (I love it!) is not just a good teacher
and Henry's favorite, but is very sexy, too. Henry gets quite an education
from the two ladies, but not before he faces some acute embarrassment before
the whole class.
In the hands of a lesser writer, this could have degenerated into farce and
absurdity. EZR's has a skill and sureness of touch and he keeps the story
stable, steering it deftly. The language is silken, confident, assured and
taut. The only thing I really didn't like was the last line: "The end? Or the
beginning?" Frankly, it's unnecessary and even a trifle childish. As it is
the story ends beautifully: enough has gone before to make us want to know
more, and the last sequence is deliciously tantalizing. Why spoil it? Okay,
so this is a quibble, nothing more. It certainly doesn't detract too much
from the power and elegance of the rest of the story.
This is a first-rate example of a situation where the controversial rating
system simply breaks down. How do you "rate" a story that's so terrific?
Three perfect 10 aren't nearly good enough.
{No numerical rating}
"From Poul's Viewpoint" by Jennifer Doalfer (doalfer@my-deja.com)
Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=591805972
Jennifer tells a little story of how her husband Poul might respond to sexual
temptation when alone with the sexy wife of a friend. Part of the charm and
some of the excitement in this little vignette lies in one's awareness that
Poul's viewpoint is really Jennifer's, or at least her mind's eye view of her
husband's sexual response. Given the opportunity to peek at their friend
Sarah's charms, will Poul succumb? Or course. Will that be sufficient to
excite him to hardness? What else? Is an exhibitionistic display of female
flesh all that's needed to seduce a man, another woman's husband? In this
light-hearted romp, it's enough. Hardly a lengthy or tension-filled
seduction, but enough.
This seaside adventure doesn't have the raw sexuality or intensity of
"Remote Controlled," a recent previous offering of Doalfer's. As well, there
are inferences of more to come involving Sarah's husband Mike and Jennifer as
viewed by Mike. Confusing, these multiple views? A bit and it will only work
well if the views are fresh and don't take on the patina of just one view
with different names.
Poul's viewpoint is a fun read and perhaps foreshadows more to come.
Ratings for "From Poul's Viewpoint"
Athena (technical quality): 9 (a few minor grammatical errors)
Venus (plot & character): 8 (too short to be developed)
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 9 (a fun read)
"Jessica" by MichaelD (michaeld38@aol.com). Guest review by Dave Myers.
http://x42.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=594418157
This story reads a lot like a writer's notebook fished out of the middle of
the pile of unfinished works. Frankly, it rambles a bit and just doesn't hit
home like it might. It's not quite a diary entry story and not quite real
enough to feel like straight-ahead fiction. It's the story of how young
Jessica goes from being your average not-very-experienced college gal with
some unresolved sexual issues, to being a bondo-slut. Or sort of. At least,
she self-professes to be a bondo-slut.
My chief problem with this is not that it's *bad* per se. I did like the yarn
MichaelD was spinning. But it was lazily put together, and has a
more-trite-than-usual setup at the beginning. There are superfluous aspects
of the plot. The lead male cheating on his fiance was sort of left alone. The
details of Jessica's fantasies about domination before she actually
experienced it are left blank, for use to believe her fantasies were the same
as what later occurred. Eh, these aren't that crucial, I know. But the story
neither feels like it has a grand "point" or that it is the short, sweet gem
that it could be.
{No numerical rating}
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "Forks" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
{I suspect this is one of my weaker reviews of a Bob and Jeanette Brennan
story. I don't have time to re-review it right now. Maybe I can find a guest
reviewer to review it.}
Since this is a story by Uther Pendragon that begins with "For...", we know
that it is about a married couple named Bob and Jeanette Brennan. In this
continuation of their saga we find them arguing over petty things. The
argument is very realistic. These people sound like my husband when he
doesn't quite have his head on straight and he starts picking on me for
little things. In fact, for a while the story started to be a bit of drag,
as these two people with head colds continued to bitch at each other over the
dumbest things. But then they made up. Have you ever noticed that in real
life it's almost worthwhile to have petty arguments just because of the great
sex you can have to make up afterwards?
Incidentally, the title refers to the concept that a place setting should
always include a fork, whether the people who are dining will need one or
not. That's something worth arguing over as the basis of a permanent marital
relationship.
Ratings for "Forks"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Blind" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu).
The woman wakes up in bed. She has been drinking, apparently at her own
birthday party. Suddenly she realizes that she is comfortably bound and
blindfolded and that a stranger is doing wonderful things to her body. No,
not a stranger - her husband. No, it's her husband plus a stranger. Or
maybe several strangers; but it feels wonderful. And it's exciting reading
too!
Ratings for "Blind"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Tom's Birthday Surprise" by Tom in Sacramento (an248036@anon.penet.fi).
This is a really hot story about a man whose wife gives him a birthday
present consisting of an orgy with herself and two women that she knows he
really likes. I'm not going to tell you the details - you can read them for
yourself. Although this story has minor flaws, it is almost non-stop hot
sex. However, since I know that many people read these reviews to improve
their own writing, let me take two paragraphs to point out how this story
could be improved.
There are two problems with this story. First, the tenses are messed up.
The author obviously intended to write in the present tense, but he
frequently switches back and forth between the present and the past. (Note
that I also have changed tenses in this very paragraph, but I have done so
correctly.) This inappropriate switching of tenses is an annoyance to the
reader. Even more importantly, it throws away verb tense as a useful tool in
the story. Because of the author's carelessness, the reader is forced to
assume that all tenses are really the same. Therefore, if the author really
does want to convey the notion that one action came before another, he has no
easy way to do this.
The second problem arises from the discussion of emotions and motivations
during the story. In the middle of really hot sexual activity - I think two
of the female protagonists had already had two orgasms apiece and the man was
building to a earth-shattering climax of his own {Ooops! Maybe that was me!}
- they all pause and discuss how good it felt and wonder whether it would be
OK for Tom to stick his cock up Barbara's ass. Everyone agrees that this
would be emotionally fulfilling and wonderful, and the action resumes. I
understand the author's motivation - he was trying to show us that these are
four sensitive people having non-destructive group sex; but the pause in the
action didn't quite ring true. At a time like this it would have been better
to focus more on action and less on words - as the song says: "A little less
talk and a lot more action."
Both of these problems could be overcome by better proofreading. The author
was simply too close to the story to see what was wrong. Recently, I posted
my own story ("Virtuous Reality"). I think mine was a good story; and I am
certain that it was a much better story after I received and reacted to
feedback from two skilled readers. I have no way to enforce such
suggestions, but I would like to urge this writer (as well as the writers of
many other stories) to incorporate improvements into their texts when they
repost these stories.
Ratings for "Tom's Birthday Surprise"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Surprise!" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).
It's Julie Allen's 21st birthday, and so Our Hero and Cousin Jake blindfold
and bind her, kidnap her, cart her off in a packing crate, dump her in the
van, and fuck her both in the van and at their destination. I approve of
this kind of bdsm, because the guys have good reason to believe that this is
just what Julie wanted for her birthday present. The author does an
unusually good job of depicting the sexual activities vividly and erotically.
Ratings for "Surprise!"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Birthday" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi).
I guessed the plot of this one! Or at least I think I did. At the end of
the story, neither I nor the narrator can say for sure exactly what happened.
The female narrator (who has led a pretty straight sex life) decides to let
her husband (who has spoken favorably about bondage) do anything she wants to
her on his birthday. Since she is embarrassed to bring the topic up to him,
she conveys this message to him in a letter, which she types at the office
and gives to her secretary to mail; and subsequently she receives a typed
reply from him, giving her detailed instructions. "Aha!" says I. "The
secretary may have never mailed the letter at all. She may have read it
herself and written her own reply. I should be a rocket scientist! The
secretary is going to have her way with the boss!" Well, maybe. The woman
follows the instructions, and mysterious but sexy things happen to her at the
designated time and place. But the husband never brings it up again, and
their sex lives remain status quo. So, was it really somebody else - perhaps
even a group of ribald fun lovers known only to the secretary? Or was it
really the husband who fucked her brains out? Is he playing dumb to make it
more fun?
What's really great about this story is that even though I read it from the
perspective that I thought I had figured out the secret, it's really
impossible to tell what actually happened. This impossibility arises not
because the story is written in a confusing manner (as is the case with many
stories), but because Deirdre has written the details in such a way as to
support either theory. This is a very clever and sexy story.
Incidentally, as you may recall, I have a theory that Deirdre is really
Sherwood Anderson reincarnated in the body of a late 20th century smut writer
(perhaps as either a reward or punishment for what he did to the people of
Clyde, Ohio). One of my readers has suggested that he sees more O. Henry
than Sherwood Anderson in Deirdre's stories. However, this reader's
suggestion that I am wrong is misguided. I'll stand by my Sherwood Anderson
theory, but I'll admit that there is a distinct possibility of O. Henry's
influence - perhaps in Deirdre's maternal ancestry. This story exemplifies
that influence. (Rating: 10)
Ratings for "Birthday"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Freebie" by Deirdre.
This is probably my all-time favorite story with a birthday theme. A woman
gives her husband for his birthday five coupons that say: "Give this ticket
to Jeannie Greene and she will immediately and silently perform one oral sex
act on her knees, any time, any place, no questions asked." Interesting
premise! Read the story to find out what happens to the tickets.
Ratings for "Freebie"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Birthday Present" by OddManOut Anywhere (oddman0ut@hotmail.com).
Jeff is a bit upset, because his girlfriend Monica has gone on an
anthropological field trip instead of being with him on his birthday. To
reduce his own misery, Jeff has decided to spend the evening of his birthday
on an anthropological field trip of sorts - that is, he goes to a frat party,
where a voluptuous blonde who is a student of animal husbandry or something
hands him a note that says: "Happy Birthday! I'm very sorry I wasn't able to
be with you today. However, I am giving you a present so that you won't miss
me too much this week. Your present is named Judy, and she is a good friend
of mine from the swim team. Judy has been instructed to sexually satisfy you
in any way you wish, at any time between today and next Friday. Upon your com
mand, she will fuck you, give you blowjobs, and allow you to tie her up or do
anything else to her that crosses your mind. The only limitations on what
you can do are:
1. No permanent damage, of course.
2. No unprotected sex.
3. No bringing in other people. This gift is for you alone. I wouldn't
want to fuck other guys for your birthday, so I don't see why my proxy
should, either.
"Oh, shit!" says Jeff; "I can't do this. It would be wrong!" No; actually
Jeff ignores the moral ambiguity of the situation and decides not to look a
gift whore in the mouth. Oh - and he decides to forgive Monica!
My immediate reaction was: What if this is a hoax? I mean, how does Jeff
really know that Monica is behind the alleged gift? What if Swimmer (the
name given to the slave/present) is just an itinerant sex maniac who wants to
give him a week of unmitigated bliss? In addition, I'm not a lawyer or a
prostitute or anything like that, but isn't there a possibility of a bad
precedent here? Couldn't a spouse caught in the act simply claim, "Hey! She
told me she was a present from you!?"
Being a Master can be tough. For example, what does a Master do when the
slave wants to do the dishes but the master wants a blowjob? Such conflicts
are common and could result in violations of health codes in parts of
Australia. Jeff's predicament is further complicated by the fact that
Swimmer is an excellent maid and cook: June Cleaver crossed with Pauline
Reage. I mean, this lady actually accepts rear entries while she cooks
pancakes in the nude - generating as a by-product a small but delicious
supply of syrup for the pancakes! In addition, while having a sex slave
merely distracts a guy from doing research, it makes listening to a
Statistics lecture damn near impossible!
There could be a TV series in this: "Touched by a Swimmer." The show could
be completely devoid of both plot and acting ability, except for attractive
but insipid protagonists who mysteriously can do almost anything while they
jiggle their tits and toss their hair from side to side and spectators ogle
their cute little asses. The show could convey educational tidbits like
those in the story: edible underwear may be a novelty to see, but it is
uncomfortable to wear, and it is awful to the taste. Thumbs down! Of
course, the really "good parts" could not be shown on prime time television;
these supplementary materials would have to be accessed via website or
perhaps 900 chat lines. This idea is so crazy, it just might work!
Sometimes I "disenjoy" stories that include sexual bondage. I get my back up
and assume that pain and degradation are bad. But if the context is right -
for example, if after the finale of the gangbang the target's entire body is
coated in a mixture of sweat, cum, chocolate, and whipped cream, showing dark
marks where the participants had poured the hot caramel, her blond hair
matted to her skin and to itself by strings of semen, bruised around the
thighs, butt, and breasts, where six men have pawed her continuously
throughout the evening, and a huge smile on her face - well, then maybe
bondage not so bad after all.
This was a creative, well written story. I hope to see many more by this
author.
Ratings for "Birthday Present"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Birthday Surprise" by Dulcinea (ImDulcinea@aol.com).
To make a long story short, the man arrives home on his birthday and
discovers that his wife has forgotten all about it. But lo! She fooled him!
They have a very nice, private birthday celebration.
Ratings for "Birthday Surprise"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Birthday Wish Come True" by Empath (empath@hotmail.com).
The man and woman have dealt with each other only by cybersex and telephone.
In addition, they have exchanged pictures. Now he has arrived unexpectedly
at her apartment disguised as a telephone company technician and is
proceeding to make tender love to her. You'' have to read the story to find
out whether they live happily ever after. I'll just say that the romance is
sexy and the many details in the story tend to keep it really interesting.
From vague hints at the beginning of the story we get the impression that
these people met while he was serving as a Celestial proofreader for one of
her stories. I didn't intend for my proofreading service to become a form of
cybersex, but I suppose stranger things have happened. However, I want to
assure you that I do NOT consider copulatory capabilities when assigning
proofreaders - although I have noticed that people who use grammar
effectively ARE usually quite good in the sack.
In addition, the author hints that this story originated as a love letter.
What this author has done (apparently with the help of a good proofreader)
has been to change all the "you" references that would have occurred in the
original letter to third person references. As readers, we don't even notice
this; but I assure you that this has resulted in a major improvement. It has
turned an initially private intimacy into a very good story for public
consumption.
One flaw in the story is that the author sometimes tends to get a little off
track. For example, there's an incident with Joan, the real telephone
technician, that looks like it's going to develop but goes nowhere. My guess
is that the author originally intended to write a longer story that would
incorporate Joan more completely but then decided to cut the story off at the
present ending. When doing this, it would have been better to cut back on or
at least alter some of the previous details about Joan.
Ratings for "A Birthday Wish Come True"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Birthday Boy" by EazinAlong (EazinAlong@aol.com).
There's this young fellow named Oedipus. He's growing up to be a strong and
virile young man. His mother id - I mean is {how's that for a Freudian
slip?} - His mother is strongly attracted to him and wants to be his first
sexual lover. Her husband (his father) agrees. On Oed's fifteenth birthday,
Mom invites Oedipus into their bedroom and lets him watch while she and Dad
make passionate love to each other. Then she encourages Oedipus to have his
way with her.
Anybody who has taken a psych course in college knows about the Oedipus
complex, which is based on a mythological story that goes along the general
lines described in the previous paragraph. However, in the Greek myth
Oedipus, who has just recently slain his father without knowing that it was
his father, doesn't know that his lover is his mother until after he has
copulated with her; and when he realizes his mistake he rips his eyes out and
engages in several other behaviors that seriously disrupt the lives of almost
everyone in the kingdom.
I dunno - of the two stories, the one with Mommy, Daddy, and Sonny happily
whooping it up in the sack isn't the one that would sound most seriously
dysfunctional to an objective visitor from Mars.
As I have said, everybody knows about the Oedipus complex. Mr. Rogers - the
one with the Neighborhood on television - even has a song about it entitled
"Someday I'm Going to Marry Mom." However, the Rogerian song has a surprise
ending: Mom says that she's already married and that she hopes that someday
her son will find someone that he can be as happy with as she and Dad are
with each other. Whenever I hear Mr. Rogers sing this song, I have always
had the impression that he envisioned Mom as fully dressed and refraining
from even remote forms of foreplay.
I guess what it boils down to is that essentially all modern psychologists
and psychiatrists think that parents who deliberately set their children up
for sexual activity are somewhere on the dysfunctional continuum between
emotionally disturbed and sociopathic. These psychologists and psychiatrists
could be wrong, of course; and I suspect that Gerry Springer could find one
or two people who say they are shrinks and who for a fee would regard this
behavior as "within the normal range," but that still leaves the problem that
American courts view this sort of behavior as illegal.
What these experts would probably suggest is to go ahead and encourage the
kid to feel comfortable about touching his own sex organs, but to suggest
that it's best to play with oneself in private and eventually to develop
mature sexual relationships from a perspective of mutual love and respect.
They would probably frown on Mom using her own body to demonstrate to a boy
how to stimulate a clitoris or for Dad and Sonny to wash each other's
testicles to the point of erection while they shower together.
But keep in mind that these experts would NOT consider what Mom and Dad do in
this story to be any more dysfunctional than what lots of American parents
have done: tell the kid that sex is a filthy sin and that he will go blind if
he masturbates and to lead him to believe that Mom and Dad sure as hell don't
do anything like that.
I think there's a happy medium somewhere - probably a fortune teller whose ass
istant is giving her a mouth job under the tablecloth.
Ratings for "Birthday Boy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
<end>
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