Celestial Reviews 356 February 14, 2000 {Special Issue}
Note: My faithful helper Techguy has not yet sent me the Links for CR 355.
But since today is Valentine's Day, I decided to repost all the Valentine's
Day reviews that I have posted. So don't get confused over the fact the CR
356 might appear before CR 355.
The Links, when they exist, may be old. Otherwise, you're on your own. If I
took the time to find the Links or to ask someone to help me, Valentine's Day
would be long in the past by the time I put this special topical issue
together.
Also keep in mind that these are OLD reviews sometimes referring to events
or issues that are no longer current. Nevertheless, I think they may help you
find some good stories.
Happy Valentine's Day!!
=====================
Recently Posted Stories:
=====================
"The Folly of Eros " by Souvie (sexual magic). 10, 8, 8
"Valentine's Day" by Hecate (town orgy) 7, 5, 4
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
"Valentine Delight" by Sympathy Brooks {sex with farmer's
sexy daughter} 5, 4, 4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444540695
"Valentine Wish" by Prufrock54 {Valentine's Day romantic
surprise} 9, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444883878
"Valentine's Day Story" by Suki {sexual chain of events}
8, 6, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=442362465
"Happy Valentine Slave" by MC Writer {adolescent sex}
9, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=443222304
"Another Saint Valentine's Day Massacre" by TcklCurius
{sexual titillation} 10, 8 ,7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444452156
"Valentine Wish" by Prufrock54 {poignant romance}
Fiddler: 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444883878
"Valentine " by Uther Pendragon (firtst times) 10, 10, 10
http://x4.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=326804400
"St. Valentine's Day! 'Oh, I would like to fall in love so much!'"
by Milos Bogdanovic (holy harangue) 7, 5, 3
"For Valentine's Day" by DuChamp (bdsm) 10, 5, 4
"Valentine's Surprise" by Dulcinea (romance) 10, 10, 10
"Valentine's Day" by TextTrdr (exhibitionism & threeway)
8, 8, 8
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"The Folly of Eros" by Souvie (souvien22@yahoo.com).
Valentine Rae Sanderson is 26 years old and works for the school board. In
matters of love she is a coldhearted cynic. She also has a bad cold, which
has left her home alone, while her roommate has gone out for a hot date on
Valentine's Day. So a mysterious guy who is really the Greek god Anteros
pops out of the television set and sets things straight, so to speak.
Eros is the Greek counterpart to the Roman god Cupid. Aphrodite was concerned
that her young son seemed to have stopped growing. Finding that only a
brother would cure the trouble, she arranged for Eros to have a brother named
Anteros, who symbolized reciprocated love who punished those who scorn love
or do not return the love of others. This is the deity who pops out of the TV
set in this story.
You can never tell when your knowledge of Greek mythology might come in
handy. Just the other night, you could have become rich On "Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire?" by knowing how many labors Hercules had to endure
.
Ratings for "The Folly of Eros"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Valentine's Day" by Hecate (hecate1@bigfoot.com).
Some cities have unusual names. My children were dismayed one day when they
discovered the inscription on the back of a photograph that it was a picture
of me "In the Midst of Intercourse." When they turned the photo over, they
found a picture of me standing in front of the town hall of Intercourse,
Pennsylvania. Huge numbers of American teenagers have had their picture
taken in the Midst of Intercourse.
It turns out that the people of Valentine, Texas, go kind of hog-wild each
year on February 14. The basic idea (without ruining the story for you) is
that Danny sort of gets selected to be the virgin offered up in sacrifice for
the festivities.
I really wasn't all that impressed with this story. I expected a lot more
than a simple chronology of "neat things" that could happen to a guy as part
of a Valentine's Day orgy.
Ratings for "Valentine's Day"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
"Valentine Delight" by Sympathy Brooks (sympathy@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444540695
I'm a glutton for seasonal stories. So when I several three stories with the
word "Valentine" in the title, I decided to review all of them. These are
late for Valentine's Day {Feb 14}, but they are in time for Chinese
Valentine's Day {Feb 23}.
This first story is about a guy named Valentine. I never heard of a guy
named Valentine. However, I understand that Johnny Cash once wrote a song
called "A Boy Named Valentine," but somebody at Folsom Prison talked him into
changing the title to "A Boy Named Sue."
"Hello stranger, what can I do for you?"
That's the best part of the story. Val's car broke down in the middle of
nowhere. He looks for help and has sex with the farmer's daughter, whose
name is Symp, which is short for Sympathy.
This is not exactly one of those stories you would like to share with a loved
one on Valentine's Day. Buy her a box of chocolate candy instead.
Ratings for "Valentine Delight"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Valentine Wish" by Prufrock54 (prufrock54@my-dejanews.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444883878
Our Hero has decided to give his lover her wish for Valentine's Day: a
simultaneous orgasm. She's in the mood, since she greeted him at the door
when he returned from work, wearing nothing but an apron with the words "FUCK
THE COOK" written on it.
{I dangled my participle in that last sentence, just to give you a chance to
warm up your grammatical instincts. I find that grammar rules are good for
promoting simultaneous orgasms. If I'm ahead of my husband, I can just think
about intransitive verbs, and he catches up with me in no time. Kinda like
the hare in Zeno's first paradox.}
She has decided to put some spice back into their sex life. She offers him a
choice between rosemary and thyme." He decides on some time with Rosemary."
Rosemary must be her name.
At this point, I started to become confused. While the guy was fucking his
wife on Valentine's Day, he was obviously watching a tape about him and his
wife fucking on the previous Valentine's Day. But the timing was screwed up.
I had trouble telling which day was which. Heck, I thought, maybe he'll come
simultaneously with her while they watch themselves come simultaneously on
the screen. With any luck, I might come with them! However, as I continued
reading and arrived at the final few paragraphs, I realized the author had
imposed the confusion on me intentionally.
I'll admit it. The author caught with a surprise ending. I would add that
the ending is poignant, but that might run the risk of ruining it for you by
letting you anticipate the climax, so to speak.
It's a good story. I think the timing could be refined a little and the
imagery could be a little richer. But it's a good story.
Ratings for "Valentine's Wish"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Valentine's Day Story" by Suki (suki@fish.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=442362465
The author purports to be telling a "true story." A lot of people lie when
they say that, but this one has the ring of authenticity. However, I'm not
sure that's good. The previous story {"Valentine Wish" by Prufrock54} was a
short story that built to a climax . This one is too
much a narration of "true" events. She dresses up; he ties her up; they
perform bondage rituals, etc. The apparent truthfulness gives the story a
certain charm, but I couldn't help wishing that the author would have taken
the time to develop this into an actual story.
Ratings for "Valentine's Day Story"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Happy Valentine Slave" by MC Writer (mc_writer@hotmail.com.)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=443222304
Clarence is one of those fairies who help Cupid out when he gets overworked
around Valentine's Day. His first job is to get Sandra Collins (a snobbish
cheerleader) into the sack with a plain 16-year-old boy named Timothy Randall
of whose existence Sandra is initially unaware. Well, Clarence drills
Sandra with an arrow, and then Sandra essentially rapes Timothy in the girls'
locker room to the delight of the voyeurs from the girls' volleyball team.
Sandra's insensitivity turns Timothy off. Clarence gets a little tipsy from
drinking earth beer, with which he is unfamiliar, and he keeps shooting
arrows into Sandra, who becomes Timothy's sex slave, which makes them both
really happy. It's apparently easy to ignore a snobbish cheerleader's
insensitivity when she becomes your sex slave. To top it off, Clarence gets
the barmaid to go for the bartender. Everybody's happy, and all's well that
ends well.
The plot comes across as a adolescent adventure, with one event piled on top
of another. But then, this story is SUPPOSED to be an adolescent adventure.
If you like stories that fit the description outlined in my summary, you'll
probably like this one. If you need more authentic plot development, you may
want to look elsewhere.
Ratings for "Happy Valentine Slave"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Another Saint Valentine's Day Massacre" by TcklCurius (TcklCurius@aol.com>).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=444452156
For those readers who live in Europe or Borneo, it might be helpful to point
out that the label "Saint Valentine's Day Massacre" was first applied by the
press to the events that transpired on February 14, 1929, when Al Capone
the most famous of American gangsters arranged for several members of an opp
osing gang to make an immediate departure from the Vale of Tears known as
human existence. The picturesque term has also been applied metaphorically to
many other events that have occurred on subsequent February 14's. For
example, should the lads from Columbia defeat the Harvard basketball team by
more than three points on February 14, the Harvard newspaper would almost
certainly refer to this as a Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
In this story, nobody actually dies. It's a metaphor a hyperbole, to be
more exact. The victim of this slaughter has been cyberspacially unfaithful
to his lover, whose gender is not actually disclosed to us until the end of
the story. In revenge, the lover inflicts on him a circus of sensuous people
who tantalize, tickle, grope, and generally drive him out of his mind. Bugsy
Moran's guys would have been glad to have gotten off so easily .
The descriptions are vivid. Although the story wasn't really a turn-on to
me, it certainly did hold my attention.
Ratings for "Another Saint Valentine's Day Massacre"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Valentine Wish" by Prufrock54
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year99/19967.txt
Review by Fiddler
On a Valentine's day during a period when he bad been going through hell at
work, his wife had seduced him into a kitchen tryst. Then she had expressed
the wish that they might have simultaneous orgasms. A year later he (sort
of) fulfills her wish.
This story seems to proceed spasmodically. There is a reason.
This is a very good story from a relatively new author. Read it.
Ratings for "Valentine Wish"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Fiddler (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Locksmiths" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
Set in the context of Valentine's day, this story can most simply be
described as a description of several firsts - her first time, his first
time, their first time with each other - plus a few other first times. As I
have come to expect from this author, the story is both sensitive and sexy -
again demonstrating that normal, moral people with consciences can actually
have happy, romantic sex lives. The preceding statement is ironic, but
you'll have to read the story to find out why.
The author tries an interesting technique. During important sexual scenes,
he views the action and emotions from the perspective of both participants.
He accomplishes this by arranging the story at those points in two columns:
one showing HIS perspective and the other HERS. This would work a lot better
if the story were disseminated in a word-processor format (like Microsoft
Word) that permitted the use of columns or tables. As it is, the text comes
jumbled (with a half-line of each perspective on each text line), so that it
is difficult to read these important portions of the story. I got around
this problem by inserting tab keys at appropriate places. The result was a
slightly jagged left margin for the right column (since I didn't put tabs in
every line), but I was easily able to read both columns correctly. It seems
likely that there is a better solution - perhaps knowing what font and size
type the author used would enable readers to set their screen to the same
size and font.
The irony in this story is that the teenage daughter feels oppressed by her
"unromantic" parents, who seem intent on only one thing: preventing her from
having any fun, especially fun that involves sex. In reality, the parents
are aware of the daughter's emerging sexuality: in fact, they have "been
there" themselves. Like many parents, they simply want their daughter
eventually to have a happy rather than an exploited sex life when she is
eventually ready for it.
Overall, this is one of the best stories by an author who writes a lot of
very good stories. I know I say that often, but I think it's true every time
I say it.
Ratings for "Locksmiths"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Valentine Jill" by Brother Cadfael (Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com).
Guest review by Mark Aster.
OK, so here I am sitting by the fire with the cat, women and children all
tucked into beds, thinking deep literary thoughts about erotica. How much
does the writing-stuff, the stuff about grammar and composition and narrative
logic and flow, matter. Compared, say, to the sex and romance?
"Valentine Jill", by Brother Cadfael, is a well-conceived soft and romantic
story of two people who have been friends but never met, finally getting
together and finding that their distant love catches afire quite nicely in
proximity, and they make love. The sex is pretty hot, but tenderly and
emotionally described.
On the other hand, I have qualms about the literary stuff. I'd like this to
be a first draft. There are "it's"s that should be "its", and a "lightening"
that should be "lightning". There is a corset that she's apparently wearing
OVER her dress, if the order of shedding is to be believed (aren't corsets
obsolete UNDERclothing? Perhaps I'm just out of touch). There's the
unexplained fact that they've been carrying out a courtship with the phone
and letters, and never met in person (how do you meet someone on the phone?
I need an explanation there), but he knows that her skin is soft (has she
sent him photos in which it just looks soft?). He checks into a hotel and
goes to sleep, and she shows up less than an hour later. If he was expecting
her, why did he go to sleep? If he wasn't expecting her, why wasn't he at
all surprised when she showed up?
I could go on a bit (and I probably will). The basic idea seems to be to
build up tension by having them initially a bit shy or virginal with each
other, but in fact what happens is they kiss a little, she undoes his pants,
they fall onto the bed, she spreads her legs, they fuck. Then some light
B&D. But all described in a very tender and emotional way that doesn't quite
fit the action that's occurring. And some sentences need work; I will be
cruel and single out "Her lips quickly shed the soft white clothing of a
delicate virgin and took to his mouth with an urgency" and "He threw another
thorn at the prospect of his feelings and banished them for availing
themselves so soon." Both are too showy and complex; nearly incomprehensible.
But it's basically a good story. Simplify the sentences, decide how slow and
romantic the sex and the wording should be and make them agree, get the
hyphen out of "make-love" and decapitalize "Vanilla", think about corsets and
hotels, and I'd like the result a lot.
So what numbers should I give this? I hate numbers. I hope these do not
offend anyone! If the author wants vengeance, he can ask me for a personal
and detailed line-by-line critique, as though we were in a Writer's Circle,
and I will provide it upon request...
Athena: 7 (typos, inconsistencies, odd usages)
Venus: 8 (potentially strong plot and character, needs cleaning up)
Mark: 7 (I was, cat notwithstanding, too distracted by the literary
stuff)
"St. Valentine's Day! 'Oh, I would like to fall in love so much!' " by
Milos Bogdanovic (milos@net.yu).
I originally read this "story" on Valentine's Day, expecting a romance of
some sort. What I found instead is an essay that seems to be denouncing the
underlying value system displayed on the a.s.s. newsgroup.
What's refreshing about this story is that it demonstrates that at least some
of the people who object to us a perverts write every bit as badly as some of
the very worst writers who post stories on this newsgroup.
I suspect that what we have here is a leftover essay from a religion class.
"I wrote the damned thing, and so I might as well gain Merit in heaven by
posting it where these perverts can see it. Praise the Lord!"
The author gives us a diatribe against "selfish love." But he shows no
awareness that eroticism and pleasure have a natural appeal to human beings
or that fantasies differ from reality. He presents a very stilted
description of "true love," making it sound like the sort of thing that ugly,
old people might decide to do when they can't find any adventure in their
lives. And he manages to do all this without any cohesiveness to his
arguments.
Anyway, this "story" is not worth reading - whether you're looking for a sex
story or for a reasonable discussion of human sexuality. However, on the
brighter side, this story gives me the opportunity to tell you this story:
Three couples (an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young newlywed
couple) wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all,
Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor asked the middle-aged couple, "Well, were you able to abstain from
sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights; but, yes
we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then asked the newlywed couple, "Were you able to abstain from sex
for two weeks?" "No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two
weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of
her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
Ratings for "St. Valentine's Day!"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"For Valentine's Day" by DuChamp (duchamp101@aol.com).
I figured I should review this before February 14, since its title suggests
that this story is thematically appropriate for Valentine's Day. If your
lover is turned on by the notion of being mildly tortured for your amusement,
then email her this story for Valentine's Day. It contains very short,
unrelated vignettes that describe relatively mild bondage. Common sense
tells me that these activities are perversions, but my deeper knowledge
derived from reading bondage stories tells me that some women actually like
this sort of thing.
For my part, I'll settle for a greeting card, a quiet evening by the
fireside, or a good massage with nicely warmed oil that my lover will clean
off of me even more nicely than he applies it to my body.
Ratings for "For Valentine's Day"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Valentine's Surprise" by Dulcinea (imdulcinea@aol.com).
The woman has been instructed by her husband to dress nicely and to be ready
for a romantic date on Valentine's Day. She complies. A limousine arrives
at about the appointed time and drives her - back to her house, into which
her husband has sneaked and set up a summer picnic in February. It's very
romantic - and very sexy.
Ratings for "Valentine's Surprise"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Valentine's Day" by TextTrdr (TextTrdr@aol.com).
It's Valentine's Day and Lori is depressed. Her boyfriend takes her out for
a fine dinner, and she starts eyeing the waiter. The waiter reciprocates.
Her boyfriend says he has had too much to drink, and so the waiter takes them
home. She models some lingerie for the kindly waiter, and soon they have
some very hot threeway sex.
The sex is very hot, but the story into which it has been inserted has some
flaws. For example, the leading lady mentions in the first few lines that
she "may not be able to get a sitter." Then the story proceeds with no
mention of why she would need a sitter. Why mention the sitter it all? It
seems to me that the author had an idea and then changed her mind and forgot
to delete the reference. Here's another example: Lori had mentioned that
she was hot for a particular waiter. When we see the couple in the
restaurant, the waiter introduces himself as a stranger. We do not find out
until the end of the story that this man was the target of Lori's original
lust. I see no reason for this delay.
In addition, the story has several grammatical flaws. For example, the
author frequently changes verb tenses for no apparent reason. This is not
really a huge deal; but why not make the grammar logically consistent? The
inconsistency is a bit annoying, and there's no reason to irritate the reader.
Then there are a few cases of using the wrong word: "Lori discretely checks
out the body in the black slacks." This means that Lori examined the body in
separate segments. This is a possibility, but I think the author meant to
say "discreetly."
In spite of these flaws, this is a very hot story. It contains one of the
few threeway sequences I have seen where the guys get it on a little with
each other. That was a turn-on to me, but it may be a turn-off to macho male
readers. However, male-to-male contact is not a major part of the story; you
super-studs will still enjoy the plot.
The story was listed as "Valentine's Day" in the postings, but the title at
the top of the story was "The Valentine Present." A lot of authors follow
this mistaken practice of using two different titles. I really do think that
as a courtesy to readers (and reviewers!) the authors should use a single
title.
Ratings for "Valentine's Day"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
--
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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