Celestial Reviews 330 - June 19, 1999
Note: A man started a new job in a pickle factory, but after a week he had to
visit the psychiatrist. "I've got to leave the pickle factory," he said.
'"Every time I start work I have an inexplicable desire to put my dick in the
pickle slicer."
The psychiatrist told him to relax and go back to work. But after a week the
man came back, saying his urge had got worse. Once again, the psychiatrist
calmed him down and sent him back to work.
The next week the man came back looking really dejected and said, "I finally
did it. I put my dick in the pickle slicer."
"What happened?" asked the psychiatrist.
"The boss came in and caught me. and I got fired."
"What about the pickle slicer?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the man, "she got fired as well."
Second note: At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the
cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick'
cards?"
Third note: A man was out in an open field on a windy day trying to get a kite
to fly. The kite would bob and weave, but not fly right. His wife saw the
dilemma and went out to talk with him. In a sarcastic tone she said, "You will
never get that to fly. What you need is a piece of tail!"
The man replied, "That's what I told you, but you told me to go fly a kite!"
Fourth Note: Occasionally good writers stop writing stories for this newsgroup.
If you rarely or never respond to authors, then THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
What in the world do you think keeps an author going? You can call it ego or
whatever you want to call it. I call it THE BLOWJOB PRINCIPLE. Simply stated,
if a person expects to get a second blow job, the recipient should make the
giver glad to have performed the first. Applied to these stories, if you like
a story, take the trouble to say so.
Some writers on this newsgroup are incoherent and don't intend to improve. If
they give up and go away, that's fine with me. But there are good writers who
have already abandoned this newsgroup and others who will do so, because
there's nothing in it for them.
I'm not suggesting that you kiss up to the authors. But if you enjoy a story
that you obtained for free, why not take two minutes to give the author some
feedback? I don't think most authors want idle flattery; but they write
stories with the hope that they are getting a reaction - for example, they may
want to make people happy. They'll never know they have succeeded unless
somebody tells them so.
Fourth note: Someone sent me a list of little known fairy tales and children's
stories. I added the story codes:
Fellacchio {toys, oral}
Goldilocks and Interspecies Mating {best, group}
Goldilocks and the Three Barely Legals {best, ped, nc?}
Hansel and Gretel and Ted and Alice {gang}
Little Red Riding Hood Exercises Her 2nd Amendment Rights on the Big Bad Wolf
{viol, snuff?}
Little Red Riding Hood and the Cross-Dressing Wolf {TG}
Jack And The Magic "Beanstalk" {size}
The Three Billy Goats Gruff, the Dominatrix, and the Gallon Jug of Lard {fdom,
group, fdom, slick}
The Little Girl That Would {cheerleaders}
The Little Intern Who Could {pol satire}
The Little Injun Who Could {pol incor}
The Princess and the Power Tool {size, growth}
Tom Middle-Finger {mast}
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"Trust" by Uther Pendragon (older man & young woman romance)
10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=487643629
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=487848922
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488176459
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488393287
"Exposed" by Vickie Morgan (sexual vindication) 9, 9, 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488639285
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488639698
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488639720
"Best Woman" by E.Z. Riter (romance) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488465067
"Man-eater" by Sven the Elder (young man & older woman)
10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=484624038
"The Parking Lot" by Ovid (voyeurism and various) 7, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=487070640
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=487070628
"Reel Men" by E.Z. Riter" (friendly seduction) 10, 9.5, 9.5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=489209803
"The Music Lesson" by Gordie (music and sex) 8, 7, 7
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=489004869
"Synergy" by Artie (mind control & sex slavery) 10, 9.5, 9.5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488620842
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"The Gift" by Vickie Morgan & Dave437 (body-swapping sex)
Anne:10, 9, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488065784
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488065810
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488067787
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488068748
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488069199
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488069215
"Damnation of Alice" by Joanna (bizarre sex). Myers: 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483873452
"The Experiment" by The Day Trader (sex experiment).
Nick: 7, 7, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446927877
"The Woman Behind Estrella Morocco" by Shon Richards
(celebrity sex). Mary: 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=477939561
"Sanctuary" by Artie (erotic massage). Myers: 4
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=436261848
=====================
Reposted Review:
=====================
* "The Candyman" by Ovid (voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=273526363
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"Trust" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Most Pendragon stories may be
found at http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/austen/104/index.htm
Jim Madison is a young lawyer who is a widower with a set of young twin boys.
Their mother died during childbirth. Sarah is the 18-year-old who has been the
babysitter for the twins since their birth nearly four years ago. I think this
resembles a plot on a sitcom that one of my daughters sometimes watches on
Friday, except that in the sitcom the man is a professor and the twins are a
pair of devious, pre-pubescent females. However, I don't think the similarity
is extensive.
Jim has missed the companionship of his wife, someone to talk with, to laugh
with, to share his worries about the children. He also misses having someone in
the sack with him. But there's always playing the fiddle solo in the shower. As
our story begins, he's uncomfortable because he has been using Sarah as a
jerk-off image during his masturbation. Still in Part 1, we discover that Sarah
has similar fantasies about her employer.
This is going to be a no-brainer. Well, not exactly. I'll ruin the tension and
tell you that they do have passionate sex, but they also engage in some
intelligent thinking. This may be one of those stories we should ban in Boston
so that all the kids will be sure to read it.
Ratings for "Trust"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Exposed" by Vickie Morgan (artemis55@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488639285
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488639698
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488639720
On one of those sleazy TV talk shows, Harry reveals to his wife Kate and to the
world that for two years he has been having an affair with her best friend
Debbie. He explains that the affair occurred because Kate is not nearly as
adventurous as Debbie. Then he suggests in front of the TV cameras that Debbie
move in with them, so that maybe she could help Kate to loosen up a bit, teach
her how to be sexy. After all, they've been friends for so long, it seems like
the best solution to their problems."
Actually, Kate is a little bit miffed and figures the other two can go straight
to hell. She strikes up a conversation with Suki, a woman who had been on the
show to disclose to her parents that she owns and performs in a strip bar. So
Kate goes home with Suki.
I'll bet you think you know exactly where this is going. Kate will dance in
Suki's strip bar in order to regain her self-confidence. Harry will be there
with Debbie, because Suki's appearance was really a publicity stunt, and she
passed out free passes to all the other guests. Kate will perform erotically
and will humiliate Harry and Debbie in the process, and then she will have
ecstatic sex with Steve, Suki's partner whom I forgot to tell you about.
Well, not quite. But I'll bet that's what you were thinking.
As you may know, the movie "Hope Floats" begins with a similar premise. The
movie was more realistic, but this story was sexier. Imagine that.
Ratings for "Exposed"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Best Woman" by E.Z. Riter (ezriter@pdq.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488465067
When I finished this story, I turned on my CD and listened to Garth Brooks sing
Just the other night a hometown football game
My wife and I ran into my old high school flame.
And as I introduced them, the past came back to me;
And I couldn't help but think of the way things used to be
It doesn't occur quite that way in the story - the meeting is actually at a
high school reunion, and we hear about it only after a really detailed lead-in.
Earlier on, we had a description of Sharon that makes me think E.Z. is familiar
with the work of Brooks:
She was the one that I'd wanted for all times,
And each night I'd spend prayin' that God would make her mine;
And if he'd only grant me this wish I wished back then,
I'd never ask for anything again.
The refrain to this song is one of my favorites, and it summarizes this story
perfectly - at least for me it does:
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care.
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
So my advice to you is buy the recording and read the story. You don't have to
do them both at the same time, but you won't regret either.
One more thing. As part of getting my Masters degree I had to take a course in
which the professor emphasized behavior modification, which is essentially B.F.
Skinner applied to human beings. The prof used to let us write papers on movies
and stories we encountered that dealt with behavior mod. I wish I had cum
across this story back then. He was a nice guy, and it would have been fun to
fantasize about him reading my report. It's been a while, but I'm pretty sure
Debbie keeps her man through a combination of satiation and reinforcement of
incompatible behavior. At least that's what my report would have said. Of
course, the prof would have had trouble concentrating on behaviorist theory -
between my lurid prose and the smells of my sex that would somehow have become
imbued into the paper.
Ratings for "Best Woman"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Man-Eater" by Sven the Elder (sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=484624038
"Older women possess two things their younger counterparts don't: patience and
gratitude."
Back when he was 18, Sven the Elder didn't believe that. In this story he
thinks back to when he was the Younger, having just lost his virginity, when
Maggie the Elder had designs on making him the next notch on her bedpost. He
didn't take to the notion at all - until after he became that notch.
Sven does an excellent job of developing the relationship and describing the
sexual intimacy of the lovers. This is a very nice story.
It's great to see Sven back on the writing circuit. Sven, as you may know is
from the Eastern side of the Pond. In his honor, I'd like to tell this little
story (Irish, therap, oral disab):
Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for stuttering. The
therapist is a real looker and very curvy. She is finding it very difficult to
make any progress with the three men and so she decides to try a reward system.
She tells the three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell her
where they were born without stuttering.
The first Irishman stands up, says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast" and sits down in
disappointment.
The second Irishman says "D-D-D-Dublin" and also sits down with a sad face.
The third Irishman says "London". In amazement the therapist immediately grabs
him, takes him into the next room, from where there are sounds of frantic
lovemaking. After half an hour they return and the Irishman has a stupid,
satisfied grin on his face.
Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there's is anything that
any of the men would like to say. The third Irishman raises his hands and
continues "d-d-d-d-erry."
In short, Sven's story was a lot better than mine.
Ratings for "Man-Eater"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Parking Lot" by Ovid (ovid@anon.nymserver.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=487070640
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=487070628
This is the second author I know of who has used this pseudonym. Of course,
there was a Roman author by this name who wrote some sexy stuff in Latin about
gods and goddesses. The other Ovid was writing on this newsgroup when I came on
board several years ago. The only story of his that I ever reviewed was "The
Candyman." I'll repost that review, Maybe Techguy will be able to track down a
link, or maybe somebody who has that story will repost it.
The basic premise of the present story is pretty good - that a lot of
interesting things go on in a company parking lot, and a voyeur with a deeply
tinted windshield could see a lot. In this case Rob sees Rene changing clothes
to go jogging. Then things get really complicated. First he overhears Lori
(another co-worker) talking to her son about how she has been humping two of
his friends, then he finds out that Rene has been posing for a nudie magazine,
then he gets the full rundown on Lori, then he finds two other coworkers
screwing in the stairwell, then.... And there's more. We also have blackmail, a
chastity belt, and sex almost every way that it's possible to do it.
I couldn't help thinking this would have been a lot better story if the author
would have stuck to one of the plots at a time.
The story ends with a query: do we want to see more. My answer would be no,
we've already seen too much. The author has about seven separate stories here,
and he is simply not doing a good job of uniting them into a single story. It
would be much better to focus on one plot at a time and to bring each plot
separately to fruition. The separate stories are actually pretty good. In the
present format, however, they get mangled by the intrusion of other stories.
Ratings for "The Parking Lot"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Reel Men" by E.Z. Riter" (ezriter@pdq.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=489209803
The guys all go fishing, like real men. They poke fun and Jamie who doesn't
enjoy fishing and stays behind with the woman folk. Since he doesn't do macho,
guy things, they assume he's gay. Actually, he services the ladies while the
guys are out with the fishing poles and their twelve packs. In fact, he
services them so nicely that the ladies don't really care that the guys are
gone.
No offense, but this is a really sweet story!
Ratings for "Reel Men"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"The Music Lesson" by Gordie (gordond103@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=489004869
Scott is disconsolate because he feels he is doing badly in his music program
at college. Kelly is a work-study student, who happens to be the janitor
cleaning his study room at the moment of his greatest angst. But as Thomas
Mallory once said, "The darkest knight cums just before Dawn."
So Kelly invites Scott to join her after her soccer practice. She explains to
him that if he is going to play romantic music correctly, he has to have a
romantic interest in his life. Then they kiss and go to his dorm room to
copulate blissfully with Beethoven playing in the background.
The story is built around a basically good idea, but things develop too quickly
and there are too many side ideas that distract from the plot instead of
contributing to it. Even if a story is a fantasy, it should seem plausible; and
I just wasn't convinced that an older girl who is a work-study janitor would
meet this younger guy the first time, take him under her wing, and make love to
him quite as quickly and for so little reason as Kelly does in this story.
Perhaps the best thing about this story is that it reminded me of a joke that
has been making the rounds on the Internet. I have adapted it a little for our
newsgroup.
Many, many years ago, an English earl was visiting a brothel in Germany. He was
making love to a beautiful young woman, who was working as a barmaid and
prostitute to put herself through school at the local university, where she was
getting a degree in music with a minor in animal husbandry. The sex was great.
The young lady had cunt lips that massaged the earl's cock even more gently
than her fingers caressed the rest of his body. Nevertheless, toward morning,
the earl just wasn't able to come one more time for a grand finale, in spite of
the lady's obvious charms.
Finally, she leaned back and asked him what was the problem. He replied, "I've
been hearing music. It's very distracting. At first I couldn't recognize it,
but then I realized it was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He nuzzled between hear 38DD breasts and continued. "Then I heard the Eighth
Symphony, and it was backwards, too. Then I heard the Seventh... the Sixth...
the Fifth... all backwards."
"Don't worry, honey," replied the prostitute. "They bury musicians in the
graveyard out back. What you hear is just Beethoven decomposing."
Ratings for "The Music Lesson"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Synergy" by Artie (artie@netgate.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488620842
Mind control is an initially interesting concept that quickly loses its
interest for most people. In many mind control stories there is a person who
can make others do whatever he/she wants them to do. That gets old pretty fast.
Sex slavery is also an initially interesting idea. Wouldn't it be great to have
a sex slave who would cater to your ever whim? But many of the sex slavery
stories degenerate into some sort of humiliation or degradation that really
isn't very sexy at all.
What the author does here is raise some "what if?" questions about sex slavery
and mind control. It's difficult to summarize this story without ruining it for
you. The ideas are complex, but not in an annoying way. You'll be left with the
feeling of, "I never thought of it that way!"
Once, after I reviewed a mind control story, I said to myself, "What if the
mind controller would control the other person's mind to make that person
control the mind of the original mind controller?" That's the sort of question
this story treats - only in a more interesting manner than could be expressed
in the previous single sentence.
Ratings for "Synergy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"The Gift" Vickie Morgan & Dave437 (Writer's Swap). Guest review by Anne747
(Anon747@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488065784
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488065810
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488067787
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488068748
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488069199
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=488069215
Okay, I have a short attention span. I'm going to admit this upfront. Stories
of over 15,000 words really need to have something to keep me reading. Well,
that's not entirely true - I should have said, when talking about sex stories.
The story has a good premise, especially considering the reason it was created.
Dan and Sue, two people who really don't like one another, swap bodies as the
result of an accident. My major problem with this story is that Amy, lover of
Dan and best friend of Sue, never figures it out.
It might be me, but throughout the story I kept mixing up who the characters
were. The writer(s) tried hard to make it clear, but more than once I had to
go back and read passages again. I hate to say it, but I really think the
piece was too short. I might have preferred getting to know the characters
before the swap. And it may not be possible in 'swap' stories to never be a
touch confused. The sex in the story is rather light, and of an exploratory
nature, which makes sense, considering the type of story.
Definitely an interesting read, but still a little rough at the edges in spots.
Part of that may be due to the fact that two people contributed to the story.
I'll also admit that all of Sue's problems seemed to be solved because her life
was run by a man for a couple of days. . . and that really bugged me (sorry
can't help it).
Ratings for "The Gift"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Damnation of Alice" by Joanna (joanna_de_brito@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Dave Myers.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483873452
It may or may not have been intended this way, but this story could be
interpreted a little bit of a complex play on the Alice in Wonderland theme.
No, there are no mad hatters. No, there are no giant mushrooms. No hookahs, no
tea parties. But the plot is essentially one of a girl who wakes up in a world
that is not her own, witness to some VERY odd things. Think a little Aldhous
Huxley. Think a little horror. Think a little acid trippy.
I was glad that the author didn't take the gonzo path on this one, and also
glad that she didn't take the Torture Master tack either. Instead, it's really
a symbolism play, and not a bad one. The tone, if I had to say, is more sci-fi
than anything else. References to the ASS community itself pop up in the
process, which is done amusingly through a plot device I dare not even give
away - it's too funny. Gee, at least I thought so.
The story isn't chock full of sex, but if what you've read so far has got you
interested, then you won't care. By the end, you'll be simultaneously laughing,
cringing, and probably aroused. It takes effort to spin that effect. Give this
one a try.
Rating: 10
"The Experiment" by The Day Trader (e-mail thedaytrader@hotmail.com). Guest
review by Nick (e-mail Nick@casssandra.demon.co.uk)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446927877
The experiment of the title is apparently to test an aphrodisiac drug on a
penniless student. He is placed in a room with a girl in a string bikini tied
to a bed. There then follows a realistic bit of awkwardness before the drug
takes effect and we get down to business. In the end there is slightly more to
the experiment, but I won't spoil it by telling everyone!
This is a short story and reasonably well written, except that the word 'think'
appeared twice completely out of context with anything in the text. Why? Was I
myself the subject of some peculiar subliminal experiment? I did have the
feeling that the ending was an afterthought and not really consistent with the
rest of the story, but again I won't give it away.
Marks for "The Experiment"
Athena (Technique) 7
Venus (Plot & Character) 7
Appeal 8
"The Woman Behind Estrella Morocco" by Shon Richards (lordshon@aol.com). Guest
Review by Mary Jorsay Gandmar (maryjg@finebody.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=477939561
This story has pretty much everything: atmosphere, sufficiently interesting
plot, generous characterization, humour - both zany and wry - an element of
pathos, and the sex is steamy without being purely mechanical with enough
emotional wallop.
It's simple enough. In a dump of a diner, just north of the Mexican border,
Greg Vanders, a reporter for what appears to be a somewhat sleazy magazine is
served by a waitress who used to be an actress in C-grade movies. The woman is
as stunning as the movies never were (they have titles like "The Masked Avenger
versus the KGB"). The man is intrigued. He has grown up around movies and he
recognizes the lady, though the movies were all made a long time ago. She is
Estrella Morocco. Her real name is Modesta. This is revealed a little later
along with other goodies. Greg asks to interview Estrella/Modesta. Suspicious
at first, she demands money and clothes. Greg writes up lists: "Top Five
Clothes Greg Hopes to Buy for Estrella"; "Top Five Things Greg Had To Hide or
Clean Up In His RV for Estrella's Visit" when she agrees to do so; and "Top
Five Movies Greg Wants to See Modesta Star In" (this one is a truly delicious
menu; it includes "The Maltese Modesta", "The Modesta Drew Mysteries" and, of
course, "Deep Throat"). They watch some of her old turkeys on his video, almost
all of which have scenes of vampires, the KGB, aliens and other Unspeakables
removing Modesta's top to reveal the contents of her gorgeous brown 38 C-cups.
There's a lot of conversation, much of it truly funny. Even funnier are the
descriptions of Greg's reactions as he talks to her, watches her, feels her
brush against him. She returns later, and they wind up in bed. This is the most
delicate part of the story - the sex is raunchy, but never demeaning, never
tacky. She gives him a blowjob (and even then there's humour, not tension; he
calls it an Oscar-worthy performance in the World's Greatest Blowjob).
The real zip is in the last bit, <after> the sex. This is truly superbly done,
no hint of being contrived, a part that flows naturally and is, somehow, fully
satisfying as a 'denouement'. The story is wonderful, almost flawless.
Ratings for "The Woman Behind Estrella Morocco"
Athena (Technical Quality) : 10
Venus (Plot & Character) : 10
Mary (Appeal to reviewer) : 10
"Sanctuary" by Artie (artie@netgate.net). Guest review by Dave Myers.
Erotic massage is one of those areas that is underexplored in the fiction that
I've seen. At first you might not think there would be any good reason for
that, but there are lots of factors against it. First, a couples massage story
would be pretty boring. Second, any massage which involves an exchange of money
makes for a hard story to write. But if you combine a sexy massage therapist
with a little bit of hypnotism, and apply her to high paid, overworked business
wonks, things get more interesting.
The tone is a little other-worldly, despite the intricate details that are
recounted concerning the therapist's techniques. The mystery of the moment is
preserved well by not revealing everything all at once. But that just about
ends the nice things I can say about the story as a whole.
I'm figuring this story MUST be unfinished. If not, then I really have trouble
endorsing it as a good read. Just when things look like they might be going in
the right direction, and getting pretty hot, it ends. There are characters
introduced and barely mentioned who appear to have been fully detailed elements
of the author's imagination, but they don't help the plot in any meaningful
way.
As is: Rating = 4, but with far greater potential if there is more writing to
come.
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "The Candyman" by Ovid. This story is reposted by the THC archives in two
parts with slightly different titles. Be sure to get both parts; otherwise
you'll be frustrated.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=273526363
The man sneaks home in the middle of the day and hides in the closet to
surprise his wife. Don't ever do this in real life. I don't know any woman
who was ever happy that her husband hid in the closet when he was supposed to
be at work and jumped out to surprise her. I DO know a woman who grabbed a gun
and nearly killed her husband when he made a suspicious noise in the closet.
But this is fiction, and so it's OK.
Anyway, while her husband is in the closet ready to pounce, a traveling
salesman comes to the door. He's selling candy (hence the title), and the wife
buys some and agrees to respond to a survey a week later. Then the candyman
leaves without fucking the wife. I kid you not. The candy contains an
aphrodisiac; and so the woman comes into the bedroom hornier than hell; and the
guy is too surprised to jump her bones just then. So he watches and gets
turned on. This process repeats itself every Thursday for several weeks, and
the guy begins to enjoy it more and more; and still the candyman doesn't even
suggest having sex, and the wife is presumably faithful to her husband. She
just eats the candy and masturbates, and afterwards they have better sex than
ever.
Eventually the candyman asks if he can please stay and watch the lady
masturbate after she consumes his commodity. {Oh, great! Now I'll have a
bunch of young readers thinking that commodity is a big word for cock, and that
commodity futures are.... Oh, never mind!} The wife is inclined to say no, but
she should have declined before she consumed his product. Next she discovers
that she finds it spooky for him to just stand in the doorway and watch
quietly, and so she suggests that he make mild comments, like "yes, yes!" or
"Take it off, baby!" By the time he leaves, the candyman is really into it;
and he suggests that next week maybe she wear something sexier.
Things escalate, so to speak; and eventually the candyman suggests that he take
off his clothes so that the wife can see him masturbate while she reacts to his
merchandise. It turns out that he is Long Dong Candyman - twice the length and
girth of the husband. He comes in massive doses - suggesting (to me, at least)
where he gets the filling for his candy!
Then one day the candyman announces that he will be leaving to move to far away
Minnesota. He further informs the wife that she has recently been the victim
of a placebo. {Actually, according to the Latin definition ("I will please"),
that's literally true.} The candyman is a pop psychologist: the aphrodisiac, he
tells her, has been her mind, the strongest aphrodisiac there is. And that's
the moral of the story. There's a final orgy, but you really should read the
story yourself to get all the details.
Ratings for "The Candyman"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
<end>