Celestial Reviews 306 - Sept 16, 1998
Note: Someone asked me what kind of stories I look for and what kind I try to
avoid reviewing. Let's start with the negative side. I almost never review
stories like these:
(1) Stories by people who have asked me not to review their work. At the
present time, there are only two of these people. It seems that most other
authors feel either that (a) I am fair, (b) any attention is better than no
attention, or (c) it's a free world and I can do what the heck I want to do
anyway.
(2) Stories with really illiterate title lines. I realize people make
typographical errors, but first impressions are important. There are just too
many good stories out there for me to waste my time on apparent crap.
(3) Stories written by authors with a poor track record. If I have read two or
three stories by an author and not enjoyed these, I have better things to do
than to read more stories by that author. If you used to write bad stories but
have improved, maybe you'd like to email me a copy of your current work.
(4) Stories that are obviously unfinished. If you post a story as (1/?), I'll
almost certainly not read it. However, I am likely to keep an eye on it and
wait until it is finished. When I eventually see (8/8), I will be more
inclined to download it. I appreciate it when authors who post in series send
me the whole story in a single file when they post the final segment. In fact,
I am right now hoping that an author whose name begins with S and who often
writes excellent stories will send me her most recent work, so that I can
avoid downloading multiple parts one at a time.
(5) Lengthy series by authors I don't recognize, even when they are finished.
I just don't have time to chase false leads that take up too much of my time.
I hasten to add that I have missed a lot of good stories by employing this
criterion. I appreciate it when someone calls good but long stories to my
attention.
(6) Stories written in the second person that is, "you" narratives. These
stories are most often written by one person for a specific other person.
These two people may find special meaning in the story, but outsiders can
usually find little interest in them. I have been burned so often by these
stories that I automatically move them to my Mac's trash can as soon as I
realize I am reading one of them. If you write a story that your cyberlover
really likes, simply have the courtesy to revise it and to reorient it toward
an audience that extends beyond the one person for whom you originally wrote
it. Otherwise, keep it as your lovely little secret.
(7) Stories on topics that I find to be distasteful, unless the author sends
the story to me with a request for a review. For example, people who write
pedophile rape stories are probably decent people whose fantasies happen to
differ from my own. I have known real people who have been hurt by such
activities, and I have a hard time thinking that this kind of thing can ever
be "fun." I suspect that the people who like these stories are imagining
different scenarios than I picture; therefore, I don't dislike or preach
against these people: I just don't read their stories unless they ask me to do
so. Examples of topics that I find to be distasteful include pedophile rape,
child/adult incest, watersports, cruel bdsm, and snuff. I find many "furry"
and bestiality stories to be boring rather than distasteful. Transgender
stories are often absolutely ingenious, but I can take only so many of them a
month; and some TG stories give concrete meaning to the word banal. Fan
fiction is often a turn-off to me, when I am not a fan of the fiction.
(8) Stories about male homosexuality. Nothing personal here the few that I
have reviewed have received high ratings. I'm just swamped with hetero and ff
stories, and mm stories just aren't often a sexual turn-on to me; and so I
tend to skip right past them.
Having stated what I said in the preceding paragraph, I hasten to point out
that I have given extremely high ratings to stories in each of the categories
that I said I usually reject. I am constantly trying to learn and to expand my
horizons, and I appreciate it when an author enables me to experience
something that I would otherwise not try. It just has to be good writing.
(9) Stories that appear to be illiterate for example, if they contain
numerous grammar errors. Actually, what I do with these is go ahead and read
them and just write a negative review, and then try to avoid that author in
the future. Nevertheless, I agree that some authors who superficially appear
to be poor writers are actually creative writers with rough edges. I try to
coordinate a free proofreading service for people with this problem. I know
that almost everything on the Internet that is labeled free is actually a rip-
off, but this proofreading service is a genuine exception. If there is someone
who feels he/she has been mistreated through this proofreading service, I
don't know about it. Likewise, if you'd like to be a proofreader, please
contact me.
On a more positive note, here are the kinds of stories I DO try to review:
(1) Stories that authors email to me with a request for a review.
(2) Stories labeled with an <*> in the a.s.s. or a.s.s.m. postings.
(3) Stories by anyone who serves as a guest reviewer for Celestial Reviews. I
try to review these myself, but there are often so many that this becomes
impossible.
(4) Stories that "catch my eye" with a creative title. I normally download
these stories, read the first few paragraphs, and then trash them if they fail
by one of my "negative" criteria.
(5) Stories by authors with a good track record. In reality it is impossible
for me to read all the stories that "good" authors publish. At the risk of
offending people whom I may accidentally omit, I am going to repost below the
list of my "favorite authors" from my FAQ:
A. Van Peebles
Alan Mathews
Ann Douglas
Anne Arbor
Anon 747 (Anne 747)
Backrub
Bazarov
BEAR
The Bear (also referred to as the New Bear and Baird Allen)
Bernadette
BillyG (William Hayden)
Bitbard (formerly Sandman)
Bluelady
Bronwen
Celeste (C'est moi!)
Cobalt Jade
Crimson Dragon
D.A. Ignatius (DarkNites)
Dafney Dewitt
Damya
deirdre (Sherwood Anderson)
Delta
DG
Dirty Dawg (Dawson Rambo)
DJ (the artist formerly known as DJ810)
Dorvis Slaughter
Dr. Watson
Dulcinea
Ed Stauff
El Sol
Elf Sternberg
Eli the Bearded
Emerson Laken-Palmer
Erostos
Estragon
fcp
Friar Dave
G Smith
Gina Marie
Green Onions
H.D. Meister
Hawkeye
Jackie
Janey (Jane Urquhart)
Javahead
Jim Fix
Joe Parsons
John Thomas
Jonathan Dzoba
Jordan Shelbourne
Kim
kollontai
LeAnna
Linda B.
Lori Grenci
Losgud
Lord Malinov
Lysander
Mark Aster (Allen Sisters Stories)
Mark Bastable
Mary Ann Mohanraj
Mary Jorsay Gandmar
Mat Twassel
Mercury
Michael Dagley
Michael K. Smith
MicahelD
Michelle Lurker
Mike Hunt
Morgan Preece
Ng Sisters (Deidre & Tammy)
Nick
Observer
OddManOut Anywhere
Oscar Paco
Paddy Toute
Parker
Patrick Donovan
Peter V. Principle
Phil Phantom
Plainman
PleaseCain
Poison Ivan
Pulp Fan
R.C.
Rajah Dodger
Ramapo
Renae Nicks
Rhett Dreams
Rocket88
Rondu
S. Leigh Farmer
SandMan (currently Bitbard)
Santo J. Romeo (Author of Martha Jane)
Sarlim
Saucy Wench
Seurat
Shelby Bush
Simon bar Sinister
smoot2
Spook
Stephanie
SueNH (also WithSue)
Summer's Rose
Sven the Elder
Taria
TEX
Thomas M. Carvett (TMC)
Tom Bombadil
Tom in Sacramento
Tom Trinity
Tooshoes
Uncle Mike
Uther Pendragon
Vickie Morgan
Vickie Tern
Walter Slaven
Watcher
Wollstonecraft
Almost any story by one of the above authors is likely to be a winner. In
addition, here is a second list. The main difference is that I have read fewer
stories by these authors and therefore cannot guarantee their quality as well
as those on my first list:
Alan C. McD
Anglokitty
Artie
Bill Green
Bobbi Sue
Brother Cadfael
Caesar
Calloway
Daniel Shechori
Darkside
Darryman
Dave Schulte
David L
David Shaw
Deb Atwood
Dimitri
EazinAlong
EzRiter
empath
Eric Shon
Frank McCoy
Gordie D
Gregarious
Grimbo
Hangten
Hawk Richards
Horangi
Horny Toad
I Robert
J Boswell
J.M.
James Dawson
Jan Williams
Jefferson James
Jon Hallmark
Jonboy
Kid Dynamite
Kona
LM1
Lostgirl
mandible
MD James
Morpheus' Twin
MrSpraycan
Niles Naismith
Nom de Plume
Of 2 minds
Ovid
Pan
Paris Waterman
P.D. Michael
PJ
Rainman
Richard Baudouin
Rock Hancock
Roger P. Tipe
Rojack
Sarah Fox Jahn
Sandmann
SexySailor
Sfmaster
Sista Shakespeare
Solo Polyphony
Spoonbender
Steve3925
Steve Black
TropicCool
TruthHurts
Walter Fortner
Warthog
Wolfgang Amadeus
Zhong
Second note: Here's something from the Amazing Insights Department. If you
have Microsoft Word, follow these steps:
Step 1 : Go to Microsoft Word & type this sentence "Unable to find a
girlfriend" (without the quote)
Step 2 : Highlight this sentence, then press Shift+F7 or go to Tools & select
Thesaurus.
Step 3 : Look at the highlighted item in the alphabetical list of suggestions
to find the explanation for the problem you have just stated.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
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Celestial Reviews:
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"The Sexual =?iso-8859-1?Q?Clich=E9?= Zone" ( MF FF span humor )
by pUSSEL. (satire) 8, 8, 8
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15278.txt
"Funeral Games" by Nick (sex at Dad's funeral) 9, 10, 10
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15222.txt
"Voodoo at the Fair" by JR Parz (voodoo sex) 5, 4, 4
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15225.txt
"Summer, 1976" by Jim Keigel (strange day of sex) 7, 4, 4
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14999.txt
"Cassandra" by Crimson Dragon (sensuous therapy session) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/9633.txt
"The Miller's Tale" by Geoffrey Chaucer (ribald humour) 10, 10, 10
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15119.txt
"Erotica 101" by Janey Urquhart (marital instruction) 10, 9, 9
{ UNPUBLISHED }
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Guest Reviews:
=====================
"The Football Match" by marky92 (sex at the game). Nick: 9, 8, 8,
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14577.txt
"The Fete" by Spoonbender (sex on foreign soil). Myers: 5
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14770.txt
"The Bungling Burglar," by JennTill (paying the piper). DG: 5, 7, 7
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14579.txt
"Scorcher" by Nita360 (first time ff). MissB: 4, 4, 4
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15182.txt
"Sheila the Great" by Schulzie (stroke story). Owl: 5, 8, 7
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15277.txt
"20th Hole" by MotionMan (neighborly sex). Sundance: 9, 7, 8
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15130.txt
"I am her Lover's Assistant" by DonW38. (humiliated husband)
BitBard: 10, 10, 4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=390533302&fmt=raw
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Reposted Reviews:
=====================
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15130.txt
"I am her Lover's Assistant" by DonW38. (Humiliated Husband)
BitBard: 10, 10, 4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=390533302&fmt=raw
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Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "Re: Proof reading sex stories" by M.M. Twassel (sexy story
about not having sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=207931105&fmt=raw
* "The Pause that Refreshes" by Jvstin (sex during a blackout)
10, 8, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=391325085&fmt=raw
* "Arthur J. Puddock -- Love Guru" by Endemoniada (penile-
enlargement farce) 8, 8, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=296964617&fmt=raw
==================
On this day in Celestial History
Celestial Reviews 118 - Sept 18, 1996
==================
* "Charlie" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (infidelity & quickie)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=183902678&fmt=raw
* "Bean City" by Mark (bdsm) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=272963341&fmt=raw
* "Home Again" by Ann Douglas (romance) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=340706148&fmt=raw
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=340702619&fmt=raw
* "Stars in Our Eyes" by Mark Aster (romantic outdoor
voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=180631763&fmt=raw
* "Rene and Georgette" by Margaret Grace (romance)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184660768&fmt=raw
==================
"The Sexual =?iso-8859-1?Q?Clich=E9?= Zone" ( MF FF span humo ) by pUSSEL.
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15278.txt
The first thing you have to realize about this title is that the author is
kidding. This is a satire that pokes fun at many of the cliches we often see
on a.s.s., many of which were cited in my List of Credulous Assumptions in CR
305. This story is not the greatest satire in the world, but it's high-quality
sophomoric fun if that's not a double oxymoron.
Ratings for "The Sexual… Zone"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Funeral Games" by Nick (nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk).
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As far as I know, Dr. Kevorkian does not write stories for this newsgroup. At
least not under his real name. Nor did my mother's friend's daughter's father-
in-law, who died suddenly during a recent softball game at a retirement
community. The old guy had hit a solid line drive into the outfield, driving
in the winning run for his team; and he dropped dead as he rounded first base.
My mother's friend thought this was a horrible event, but my mother failed to
see her point. The guy was going to die someday, said Mom; and why not go out
on a high note?
I told this story to my husband; and he said if my mother was right, then he'd
like to die in the midst of sexual intercourse with me. This sounded
inconvenient, to say the least. But then he recalled for me the old anti-
Catholic accusation that several popes have died while in the act with whores
or mistresses. This was getting off the track, and so I switched the
conversation to a story about voyeuristic threesome that I had recently
reviewed.
Later I got to thinking: why couldn't a working girl carry Dr. K to his
logical conclusion? Instead of simply assisting suicide, Kevorkian girls could
literally fuck a person to death. It's so crazy, it just might work! Major
religions might object; but most of them consider suicide to be at least as
sinful as fornication. The only "shortcoming" I can see is that maybe the
process might take a while or maybe it might not be fatal. Indeed, perhaps the
client might decide not to terminate this baleful existence after all.
Anyway, in the present story, Brian has gone to his father's funeral, where he
meets his father's most recent model. I guess I forgot to mention that the old
guy had been an artist. {That stuff about the old geezer at the softball game
and the Kevorkian girls had nothing to do with this story.} In fact, his
father's hobby makes a good case for inserting better punctuation in the
following sentence: "He liked painting nudes and looking at Laura I expected
that she had been 'as God made her' when he died." The sentence should read,
"He liked painting nudes; and looking at Laura, I expected that she had been
'as God made her' when he died." The original sentence suggests a compound
verb rather than a compound-complex sentence. <shame!>
As the story evolves, we learn that Dad had been hard at work at the moment of
his demise.
In ancient Greece, there used to be magnificent feasts and athletic contests
to celebrate the death of fallen heroes. Even today, at Irish wakes people
often engage in festive drinking and merrymaking to celebrate the passing of a
friend. Relevant to the present story what better way to celebrate a the
passing of a lecherous parent than to imitate his style? And in Dad's studio,
no less.
Ratings for "Funeral Games"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Voodoo at the Fair" by JR Parz.
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15225.txt
The first paragraph of this story goes like this:
Dean left the office frustrated and confused. Never in his life
before, has a girl been able to totally wrap herself around his
emotions like Lisa has...First, Lisa says she can't become involved
with him because of David, but in the very same breath she tells him
this, she's crying when he tries to severe the ties. He vividly
remembered her tears and her voice, when she said; 'I don't want to
hurt David.' Dean wanted to say; 'What about me?', but he couldn't
bare to see her cry, so, he hugged her and told her that he'd wait.
"Yep, just call me the fool." he muttered to himself while leaving the
office.
The verb tenses are screwed up. For example, the "has" in the second line
should be "had." Thereafter, we really don't know what is past and what is
present. "Severe" should be "sever," and "bare" should be "bear."
These errors may seem like little things, but they accumulate as the story
continues. Even if you are not an English teacher, by the time you get
finished with that first paragraph, you are likely to be aware that
deciphering this story may be more trouble than it's worth.
I continued with the story. Something about a guy boinking a girl who has
subsequently said "No" to him whenever he wanted to do it again. Then I came
to this sentence: "Lisa's dark brown hair framed her model-like face, which
softly draped along her shoulders." Ya see my problem is that the sentence
clearly says that the damsel's face (not her hair) is draped around her
shoulders. That's hard er, difficult to imagine.
Anyway, Dean works part-time at a fair, and he consults the fair's fortune
teller, who gives him a voodoo spell to win Lisa over. You can take it from
there….
There are lots of other details some of them quite interesting; but they are
simply not integrated into a coherent plot.
Speaking of fortune tellers I've been asked by a member of a grand jury who
leaked this to the press to tell you the following story. Hillary Clinton
went to a fortune teller at a fair. The old woman looked upset, but Hillary
told her she wanted to hear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
truth as is required by English common law.
The fortune teller solemnly replied, "Your husband will die a horrible death
by the end of the year."
Hillary paused, looked concerned, and then said, "Tell me. I have to know….
Will I be acquitted?"
Ratings for "Voodoo at the Fair"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Summer, 1976" by Jim Keigel (jimkeigel@hotmail.com).
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14999.txt
Q. What should you do if you're alone at some sort of remote work site and a
naked, disoriented woman comes into the office and asks to use the water
cooler?
A. Give her some water and call the police, who will refer her to the services
of an appropriate social service agency.
Note: That's not what the guy in this story does. Wouldn't have been much of a
story if her did.
What really happens is L.C. has sex with her and then turns her loose, and she
causes all kinds of trouble on the job site and L.C. gets a venereal disease
and everybody laughs their assess off.
It's kind of a strange story.
Ratings for "Summer, 1976"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Cassandra" by Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/9633.txt
Cassandra is one of those people with double personalities you know, one
person living inside the body of another person. I've dealt with a lot of
unusual people, but I've never met a person with a genuine dual personality
except, of course, most of the people on this newsgroup.
Anyway, this story is about Sarah/Cassandra's visit to her shrink. Sarah had
been abused as a child, and now Cassandra is doing all kinds of naughty things
to try to get a rise out of the doctor.
This is a plausible story. Cassandra expresses her erotic emotions in a way
that seems compatible with a history of abuse, and the doctor reacts in a
plausible fashion.
If you like stories about psychologically disturbed people, this might be your
cup of tea.
Ratings for "Cassandra"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Miller's Tale" by Geoffrey Chaucer (John Dark Repost).
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/15119.txt
The version of this story posted to a.s.s.m. is the Middle English version,
which is difficult for many readers to decipher. A Modern English version can
be found at gopher://gopher.vt.edu:10010/02/63/24. If you want a slightly more
attractive modern version with the prologue attached, try
http://library.advanced.org/11840/Chaucer/milpro.html. If you want detailed
commentary with a link to the Middle English version, try
http://www.luminarium.org/medlit/miller.htm. If you want a wicked erudite
discussion of the story, see what the gang at Harvard Yard has to say at
http://icg.fas.harvard.edu/~chaucer/canttales/milt/.
Here's an excerpt from the Study Guide for this story for EH 220 Great Books
Syllabus at Auburn University:
1. How are the husband and wife incompatible?
2. Where does Nicholas live? What's his major at school?
3. How does Absolom try to impress Alison?
4. What does Nicholas tell John will happen on Monday night?
5. What advice does Nicholas give John to save himself and his wife?
6. What kind of a kiss does Absolom get from Alison?
7. What happens with John at the end?
8. Describe how Alison's relationship with her husband, with Nicholas,
and with Absolom is perverted.
Can you imagine what kinds of question this professor would ask about the
typical a.s.s.* story? "Of what did the naughty nekkid cheerleaders have
buckets?" Incidentally, I think nekkid is a viable Middle English word.
As the above study questions suggest, this is not a deep story. Here's the
skinny on the Miller's Tale:
The old carpenter with a young wife named Alison has taken in as a lodger a
poor scholar named Nicholas, who gets the hots for milady. She's game; and so
she says that if Nicholas can find a way to keep her husband in the dark,
she'll do the wild thing with him. The scholar concocts a complex plan
involving feigned sickness and an allegedly upcoming post-biblical deluge, the
upshot of which is that the husband finds himself sleeping in a bathtub on the
roof while Nicholas and the wife are doing the Posterpedic polka in the
carpenter's own bed.
Meanwhile, another suitor named Absolom has been smitten by milady and is
wooing her with song outside the bedroom window, while she and Nick are
sharing a ride in a fur-lined canoe. When Abe begs for a kiss, Allie sticks
her ass out the window; and the swain reveals himself to be uninterested in
anal amour. Thus miffed, the secondary suitor goes off to get a hot poker and
then summons his beloved again.
This time it is Nick's ass that emerges from the window. When Nick farts in
Abe's face, the latter sticks the poker up the former's ass. When Nick shouts
for water, the old guy on the roof thinks the deluge has begun. Then No, I
may have told you too much already. Believe it or not, there's a moral to this
story.
In all honesty, I've posted in CR jokes that are funnier than this story. But
you have to remember that this is a classic tale that regaled people back in
the 14th century. This is part of the Culture of the English-speaking world.
Shakespeare read and laughed at this story in the barley fields of Stratford
on Avon. Winston Churchill read it at his mother's knee. Even Teddy Kennedy
probably had someone read it to him.
This is the sort of story that bridges the gap between Albert Einstein and
Beavis and Butthead.
It's a very good story!
Ratings for "The Miller's Tale"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Erotica 101" by Janey Urquhart.
{Janey should post this story!}
The woman who narrates this story is being wooed by her husband, who is
getting his ideas from Janey's a.s.s. stories. You can tell he's reading her
actual stories, not just reading my reviews, because he works over her ankle
and they drink copious red wine, neither of which have even been mentioned in
my reviews.
The woman starts out pretty naďve, but through Janey's mediation she loosens
up considerably.
This story is unlike Janey's usual work, but so are all of Janey's stories.
This one is well worth reading.
Ratings for "Erotica 101"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Football Match" by "marky92" (marky92@hotmail.com). Review by Nick (e-
mail Nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk)
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I think this is the first time that Celeste has sent me a story by a fellow
Brit; and I feel a bit like saying, "Dr Livingstone, I presume?"
Not all of us are the same, however. To start with, he is a keen football
supporter and I'm not (football=soccer by the way). This in turn limits the
story's appeal even amongst Brits, because even amongst "footy" fans I'm sure
there are many who would be saying "Leeds United!?" (our hero's favourite
team) "They're crap - I'm not reading any more of this!" (My own son's
reaction was "How dare he refer to Arsenal as the enemy!")
Anyway, I quite liked the story, which is the fourth in a series entitled "Two
Birds and a Bloke" (="Two Broads and a Cool Guy" - I suppose). In this one,
only one of the girls figures (Lisa is a Man U supporter, and they're not
playing in this match), so we only get to hear of the exploits of Nicole and
Phil as they watch Leeds play Chelsea.
It appears that the big screen display in the stadium focuses a lot on
Nicole's breasts. This, plus the resulting attention, makes her horny, and
they sneak out and "do it" in the bogs just before half time.
We never find out the score of the match.
The story itself I found quite entertaining, but it does need a little polish.
I also found the inter-dialogue paragraphing a little distracting (I find a 2
line gap easier than 1)
My own ratings for this story are Technique 7 (perhaps a little too
parochial), Plot and character 6 (no depth whatsoever) and appeal to me 8 (yes
I enjoyed it overall).
Adjusting for Celeste:
Athena (technique) 9
Venus (Plot & character) 8
General appeal 8
"The Fete" by Spoonbender (Theodore@spoonbender.demon.co.uk). Guest review by
Dave Myers.
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We've got a character that says "Arrh" all the time, other characters that
can't remember what happened last night, and tales of sacrificial virgins. Is
this about pirates, love drugs, and volcano worship ? On all three counts:
almost, but not quite. And that pretty much explains the arc of this story.
Synopsis: Jim's in the US military, but stationed in the UK. He and his wife,
Judy, get more than they bargained for from the locals.
There is not much to spoil, but for the sake of those who go on to read it, I
will not give away the punchline. Yes, there is a character who mostly says
only "Arrh." He is not a pirate, and is depicted in a manner way too far-
fetched for me to do anything but laugh. From the rest of the text, though,
I'm not sure humor was the aim. Yes, there is couple who have trouble
remembering what happened the night before, but the event is handled a bit too
glibly to be entertaining. And yes, there is something to do with sacrificial
virgins in a local legend involving harvests, syzygy of Mars and Venus, eye of
newt, and a lock of Gillian Anderson's hair. [Well, maybe I got a little
carried away.] Unfortunately, the impact of this plot detail is brushed across
with Scooby-Doo-like flair.
This one is all over the map, and needs to be dressed up a bit more before
prime time. The author does manage to use the word "miasma" correctly in a
sentence, though, which counts for something.
Rating: 5
"The Bungling Burglar" by JennTill (JennTill1@Hotmail.com). Guest review by
DG.
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This story has a good premise; and the first half, although a little rough, is
amusing and sexy. Unfortunately the second half of the story is a long,
clicheed sex scene that reads like a very rough draft. I liked the basic idea:
when Carrie is 13, she gets into the habit of sneaking around in the bedrooms
of her friends' parents, looking for their sex-toys, dirty magazines, etc. Not
only does she learn about the birds and the bees, but she gets a sexual thrill
just from the danger. Then, when she is 15, she finally gets caught. The
father of a little girl she baby-sits comes home unexpectedly and catches
Carrie in the bedroom masturbating to his homemade porno tapes. He threatens
to call the cops; but they manage to strike a deal, the nature of which will
surprise none of you.
This was a cute and promising setup, but I was disappointed in the payoff. The
writing quality, not great to start with, declined rapidly, as if the story
was finished in one rushed writing session and then posted. More than half the
sentences in the last third of the story end in exclamation points. I also
think the story would have been better if the characters had reacted more
realistically to the situation. The man should have been aroused but with
undertones of nervousness and guilt, while the girl should have been scared
but curious. Instead, they both act like veteran porno stars.
My advice to the author is to avoid excessive exclamation points! and ALL
CAPS, and not to put "complicated" words in quotes like a Beavis and Butthead
script. And also to make the reactions of the characters at least somewhat
realistic.
Ratings for "The Bungling Burglar"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 7
DG (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Scorcher" by Nita360 (Nita360@hotmail.com) Guest Review by Miss Behavin
(missbehavin@sprint.ca).
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It's hot out -- 96 degrees Fahrenheit to be exact; and Karla, who is looking
as hot as the weather, stops by her favorite watering hole to cool off. During
her conversation with the bartender, Karla tells him that her husband is off
fishing, and you get the picture that she's definitely feeling his absence.
As luck would have it, Karla's friend Carrie is also at the bar, and they
decide to play a friendly game of darts. As the two sexy women play they are
observed by a small group of spectators who are enjoying both the game and the
players. One admiring fan, a young "logger" with bad dental hygiene, decides
that he'd like to shoot a game of pool with them and doesn't take their
rejection well. Karla, feeling her pent-up sexual frustration, decides to take
matters into her own hands and helps the kid with his chair before the
bartender comes over and tosses him out.
The friends leave the bar to have a slumber party at Karla's place, which is
devoid of a husband and children. Over a pitcher of Margaritas and a couple of
joints they become much closer as they, for the first time, explore each
other's feminine side.
The setup is predictable, but the intimate moments between the two ladies show
a little promise with a few good descriptions; and the understanding shown
between them at the end was well done.
In the end, this story did very little for me. Several times I found myself
reading the same sentence over and over again, trying to understand what the
writer meant. (It's really amazing what a few well-placed commas and the
magical powers of a spell/grammar check program can do.) The characters are
fairly rough, and it's hard to get a feel for either of them. The dialogue is
hard to follow, but I blame this more on the writer's layout than the actual
writing.
I have to downgrade Scorcher to 'remotely warm with a 100% chance of a cool
breeze on the horizon.'
Ratings for "Scorcher"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Miss Behavin' (Appeal to reviewer): 4
"Sheila the Great" by Schulzie (schulzie@my-dejanews.com). Guest review by
Watchful Owl.
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This story was a bit wooden. Rather than achieving a really great story
(rare) or a good one (increasingly more so), this one mostly achieves
mediocrity.
The entire story revolves around the game "Trust Me", in which your
partner's hand goes up your leg until he/she is told you don't trust
them. When our protagonist plays it, he winds up being stroked to
orgasm, first by a daring girl, then in front of three more.
The characters did not exist beyond the sexual realm. In stories of this
length, it is sometimes permissible to do away with much of character
development, but the author has done away with it completely. There were
several grammar/punctuation errors. I don't know about the rest of you,
but they drive my compulsive mind nuts.
Bottom line: If you've found you've stumbled into this story, you might
as well finish it. If not, don't go seeking it out.
Venus (Plot and Character) 5
Athena (Technical Quality) 8
Watchful Owl (Appeal to Reviewer) 7
"20th Hole" by MotionMan (Motionman@hotmail.com). Guest review by Sundance.
This was an entertaining story of Steve Matthews; best friend, golfer, and all
around handyman being called upon to assist the extremely attractive orphaned
daughter of his former best friends during an unexpected plumbing crisis.
The author scored immediate points with me by addressing in this tale my
favorite things -- golf, beautiful women, spicy story situations, cold beer,
and a touch of romance. Being that this is my first guest review, I was
starting to wonder if I was being setup.
I especially enjoyed the rich descriptions the author used to evolve the
story. The time he took in reference to characters and the supporting
background to the situation helped to develop an overall plot and provided
more than just the ‘fix the sink, do the daughter' genre.
I did find the descriptions of the sex to be a bit exhaustive and the pace a
bit rushed. I would have preferred a little more dialogue between the
characters up front that emphasized their underlying friendship /
relationship, as much as the physical attraction. This would have allowed the
reader to deduct the growing sexual tension and romantic interests that
existed between the main characters without having to spell it out.
All in all, I found this a pleasurable read and a fine first effort. I look
forward to more stories from MotionMan. Now he just needs to explain what
happened at the 19th hole.
Rating for "20th Hole"
Technical Quality: 9
Plot & Character: 7
Appeal to Reviewer: 8
"I am her Lover's Assistant" by DonW38 (DonW38@aol.com). Guest review by
BitBard (bitbard@newsguy.com).
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(*) I'll acknowledge a personal bias against humiliation stories before I
begin the review. This will affect the appeal scores at the end of this
review.
In this "slut wife" story, a husband gets off on knowing his wife is getting
royally serviced by her boss. She goes out on her "dates" with her boss, then
comes home and tells her husband all the graphic details while he masturbates
and eventually sucks her lover's seed from her pussy. As you can see, this
story is geared to a very select audience.
This story is well written: the dialog is smooth and clean, the descriptions
are arousing and enticing, and there's no real fault with the story line or
characters.
A "slut wife" story often portrays a remarkably open and healthy relationship
between a husband and a wife. The sex is usually positive, healthy, and
rewarding for everyone involved. This story however focuses on how much better
the wife's lover is than her husband. The whole story is geared towards
humiliating her husband. There are no positive messages only a continual
stream of groveling and cruelty.
In short I couldn't get past the thought that this was a very dysfunctional
relationship and that the husband's lack of self-esteem bordered on the
miraculous. The sexual descriptions we very well done, the ambiance that gives
those descriptions meaning simply weren't there for me.
People who are into humiliation (mental rather than physical) may ignore my
mark on appeal.
Ratings for "I am her Lover's Assistant"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
BitBard (appeal to reviewer): 4 (*)
* "Re: Proof reading sex stories" by M.M. Twassel (Mmtwassel@aol.com).
I recently received an e-mail message that stated: "Having been a fan of
Deirdre for quite some time, I was pleased to recently discover some Celestial
Reviews of her stories. Anyone who has read these reviews should know that
Celeste has a theory about Deirdre, namely that she is the reincarnation of
Sherwood Anderson. Not having ever read anything by Anderson, I wasn't sure
what the reference was about (alas, I only majored in British literature!),
but working in a library has it's advantages. I looked up Anderson in a series
on American writers, and found this very interesting commentary in 'American
Writers: A Collection of Literary Biographies' that fits Deirdre's stories
perfectly. Celeste, you're a genius!"
Here's the Anderson excerpt: "The uncertain, groping narrator of an Anderson
story employs an art of suggestion to articulate his search for pattern and
meaning in human existence. His experiences are fragmentary, incoherent,
inexplicable. The chronological sequence of time may be interrupted and
reversed by memories, inadvertent thoughts, gusts of emotion, and frustrated
attempts at comprehension. Objects and people are haphazardly perceived....
Absurdly helpless, the narrator may succumb to impotence, give vent to
explosive stirrings in his subconscious, flee the envelope of his body in
mystical anguish or ecstasy, obsessedly focus upon trivialities such as a bent
finger... Since the story is an articulation of the narrator's experience, its
movement is repetitive and circular: it is not rounded off with a meaningful
conclusion, for that would violate the narrator's integrity, his stance of
wonder and search."
My correspondent subsequently posted his message to a.s.s., where it evoked
the following response from a critic named Dabasir: "What a crock of shit!
Deirdre's stories are simply something to get off with. In closing I would
just like to say that your classic interpretation of Sherwood Anderson can be
summed up simply. He rambles on stupidly much like Adolf Hitler does in "Mein
Kampf". Thanks for listening and have a GREAT day! =)
Before I relate this correspondence to the present story, let me first retract
anything that may have been construed as pejorative or derogatory toward
librarians in the preceding review (of D.B.'s "Fantasy"). I certainly disagree
with the classification of librarians as the only people lower on the sex-
chain than English teachers - even though my correspondent referred to me as a
mere "genius" rather than by my more rightful title of "sex goddess."
Mr. Dabasir may be right that Sherwood rambles on stupidly much like Adolf
Hitler does in "Mein Kampf." {I wouldn't touch with a twelve-inch cock what
that venerable social critic Marge Schott recently said about Mr. Hitler in
the esteemed literary journal Sports Illustrated.} My suspicion is that
Dabasir (a) was subjected to a really bad teacher who mandated Sherwood
Anderson as a routine class assignment and (b) prefers cryptic stories about
sex slavery, mind control, and anal sex to those about eggs, unlighted lamps,
and death in the woods. I can't say that I blame him. Prior to my exposure to
this newsgroup, I myself had never had an orgasm while reading Anderson; and
even in the past year and a half the sexual pleasantries I have experienced
while reading Winesburg have resulted more from the classical conditioning of
my husband than from the content of the stories. {I also think it is
distinctly possible that Dabasir - whom I thank for writing and to whom I wish
a great day! =) has confused Sherwood Anderson with Henry James, who was
indeed a horse's ass.}
What I object to is Dabasir's statement that "Deirdre's stories are simply
something to get off with." No, it's not the preposition at the end of the
sentence, which is something I can put up with. There are numerous postings on
alt.sex.stories that are "simply something to get off with"; and indeed it may
be possible - and even probable, desirable, and enjoyable - to get off with
Deirdre's stories. But the fact is that Deirdre writes extremely well. I would
summarize her work by saying that she artistically expresses ideas and
feelings which shyness and conventionality keep most people from acknowledging
publicly or perhaps even to themselves. I took the last 19 words of the
preceding sentence from a critique of Anderson by a professor from Columbia
University; so the similarity is probably real.
I don't want to shock anyone, but I don't really believe that Deirdre is
Sherwood Anderson reincarnated. I think she's a damned good writer whose style
reminds me of Anderson's. The difference between Deirdre and the typical
wannafucks and mindless "true" stories on a.s.s. is that she writes well. Her
style makes her stories erotic in a mysterious sort of manner. Her style also
makes it more likely that a simple shepherd yearning for his true love or a
college kid prepping for a hot date will be able to experience the emotions
and feelings intended by the author. Bad authors take a hot idea and fuck it
up so badly that people who "weren't there" think they have wasted their time
by reading the story. Deirdre, on the other hand, takes some really improbable
ideas that she herself has never even experienced and expresses them in such a
way that readers buy into her stories and vicariously experience the feelings
and emotions themselves. That's what good writers are supposed to do. In my
opinion some other writers do this even better than Deirdre, and they use
techniques that don't remotely resemble Deirdre's or Anderson's. But the way
they write certainly makes a huge difference.
Or as Nathaniel Hawthorne once put it, "Easy reading is damned hard writing."
The present author also writes extremely well. This is one of the best stories
I have read this year - but then, this year is only four days old. In fact,
this is one of the best stories I have read in a very long time. It's written
in the format of a letter to me (Celeste), seeking advice regarding sex
stories. The purported correspondent is a naive college student whose sexual
experience has consisted of inept masturbation and reading stories posted on
this newsgroup. He has met and befriended a beautiful classmate in his
philosophy class; and in a misguided attempt to impress her, he has told her
that he writes sex stories for the Internet. The ostensible purpose of the
letter to Celeste is to seek advice regarding his dilemma (he really cannot
write sex stories), but the actual result is a highly erotic and sometimes
hilariously sexy story.
The "letter" addresses several questions to Celeste, most of which I won't
attempt to answer here. At this point I'll simply state that "pre-cum" usually
does contain a hyphen. In addition, I might add that "proofreading" is usually
one word. As for how the narrator should have escaped from his dilemma - I'll
leave that up to the imagination of the reader - or perhaps to a second Letter
to Celeste.
By putting this review in the context of a discussion of Deirdre, I have
managed to give the story the emphasis and dignity bestowed by a lengthy
critique. I hope you read and enjoy this delightful story, which resembles
neither Sherwood Anderson nor Adolf Hitler. On the other hand, J.D. Sallinger
might have altered his style just a little....
Ratings for Re: Proof reading sex stories"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Pause that Refreshes" by Jvstin (Jvstin@admin.con2.com).
As you may recall, in the summer of 1997 a terrorist strike knocked out,
albeit temporarily, the entire power grid of the West Coast. That stroke of
fate left our hero stranded in an ATM booth with a voluptuous woman named
Athena. One needed electricity to open the door to that ATM booth, but one
didn't need artificial current to do what needed to be done with the fair
Athena.
Ratings for "The Pause that Refreshes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Arthur J. Puddock -- Love Guru" by Endemoniada (endemoniada@cryogen.com).
Guest review by Fiddler.
When Arthur Puddock's platic amorata collapses from a leak, he decides to
equip himself with a phallus large enough to satisfy a living woman. Dr.
Goebbels, plastic surgeon, accommodates his needs. After recovering from
surgery in record time, Arthur visits a disco where he picks up the newest sex
symbol by telling her his new penile size.
Arthur has the goods that he advertises; what could go wrong? Read the story
to find out.
This is a fun story, which doesn't try to be more than it is.
Ratings for "Arthur J. Puddock -- Love Guru"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 9
* "Charlie" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu).
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This story is about the same length as the last one; but there's more of a
story to it. A woman gets her husband out of the house just barely in time to
have a frantic quickie with her lover in the kitchen. Wham, bam, the microwave
timer goes off, thank you ma'am and he's out the door and she's off to work.
The style of the story nicely parallels the frantic pace and emotions of the
lovemaking session.
Ratings for "Charlie"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Bean City" by Mark (MarkB@aboy.demon.co.uk).
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The narrator of this story is a gent who is thirty-five friggin' years old and
who spots a classy lady with a mane of hair as black as scandal and skin so
clear and white you could show a movie on it in a bar in Boston. They hit it
off, and she takes him to her plush hotel room. It turns out she's into
humiliation or dominance or some such thing. He'd rather they just have a bit
of fun while fucking their mutual brains out. You can read the story to
discover how they work things out.
Ratings for "Bean City"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Home Again" by Ann Douglas (annd55@nyc.pipeline.com).
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A.C. has come home to visit his childhood haunts, and he meets Mary Austin,
the 45-year-old mother with a still great body who is the mother of Josh, one
of A.C. closest childhood friends. We eventually discover that she was also
the target of some of A.C.'s adolescent masturbation fantasies.
This author takes her time developing a plot. The first 2 parts (of 7) are not
exactly devoid of sex; we do learn that A.C. used to date Jenny Wilson with
whom he traded cherries on prom night and whose sister was nicknamed Kleenex
Karen because of her proclivity to fill the partial vacuum in her bra with
that product, and also that Josh's sister Dawn Marie had fucked the whole
football team before moving out of the family domicile right after her 18th
birthday. The author also lays a basis for future sexual possibilities by
letting us know that Mr. Austin is deceased and that during his adolescence
A.C. had once seen Mrs. Austin naked and by arranging for A.C. to stay
overnight while he waits for Josh to come home in the morning. But in general
A.C. and Mary just have dinner and engage in interesting conversation.
So the author spends nearly 4 out of 7 parts with nothing more than innuendo
and build-up; but when the sex comes it's both tender and hot. I love this
kind of story. Read it yourself for the details.
I secretly wish that Ann Douglas would get somebody to proofread her stories.
She develops wonderful plots that give full personalities to people having hot
sex, and then she makes annoying mistakes that keep me from giving her perfect
ratings; and then I often have to decide whether to let a imperfect story onto
my Top 15 list for the month. I mean, surely Ann knows the difference between
a dinner and a diner and between celibate and celebrate. The problem is that
Ann knows what the words are supposed to be, and so she probably skips right
past them; and this is just the sort of mistake that a spellcheck doesn't pick
up. The solution is to have one intelligent person go through the story before
it gets posted. Let this be a lesson to you.
Finally, a word of advice. It's nice to shower together before anal
intercourse, but the shower removes the natural lubricants from both bodies;
and so the penis is likely to be even drier than usual. The problem of dry
skin is compounded by the fact that a person's anal canal does not produce
natural lubrications for sexual intercourse, as the vagina would. Using
Vaseline to solve this problem is not a great idea, because that product tends
to seal off the body's natural lubricants, when they do begin to flow. My own
experience is that saliva is a better idea than Vaseline at both the front and
back door. By far the best solution is a lubricant specifically designed for
this purpose, such as K-Y jelly. I guess this gives away part of the plot,
doesn't it?
Ratings for "Home Again"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Stars in Our Eyes" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).
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As you may recall, last week Mark Aster's "Coffee?" was the 1000th story I
reviewed. His prize was 31 days of sexual bliss with the partner(s) of his
choice. This week he notified me that he will be "on hiatus," unable to post
stories for several weeks. Coincidence? I think not!
In this week's episode Our Hero and the lovely and delectable Julie are
reclining together at a mountain campsite, looking at the stars and listening
in the dark while Ariana and Rachel make love nearby. Ariana is describing her
first sexual experience with a woman. Rachel is working her over even while
she narrates this story, and as Ariana's story and Rachel's ministrations
continue, the present events begin to impinge upon the narrative of the past.
Meanwhile, Our Hero and Julie are exchanging quiet intimacies nearby. It's a
restful, passionate sequence of events.
Several weeks ago I suggested that a different author "go check out Mark
Aster's stories" to learn how to make better word choices. That author's
problem, I thought, was that he/she used too many stereotypical adjectives. My
suggestion was that Mark Aster consistently refrained from using stereotypical
adjectives and often employed well-chosen metaphors in his stories. Last week
I reviewed a very good story by yet another author (M. M. Twassel); and when I
checked his Author Profile on Deja News, I discovered that he had written a
commentary on my advice regarding Mark Aster. This other author (who also
admired Mark Aster's stories) had done a thorough analysis of Aster's stories,
and had discovered that Mark did not use many adjectives at all. Nor did he
find an abundance of metaphors. Being busy, I set this information aside until
I read this week's story. As I read this story, I looked for adjectives and
metaphors. I was distracted by the fact that the story was extremely erotic
and that I myself have had some great experiences at campsites under the
stars; but I think I verified my opinion of this author's style - even though
I must also admit that my critic was correct.
The word "cock" does not appear in this story, and so we don't get to find out
whether it was hard, throbbing, or erstwhile. (I just wanted to see if that
last word was in my spellcheck.) The story was also free of "pussy", "cunt",
and "clit". At this point I was beginning to wonder if this was actually a sex
story.
Here are some things the author does say: "I touched Julie's neck, and my hand
imagined the warm compact sweetness of her vulva." "Julie took my hand in hers
and rubbed it over the downy skin of her stomach as we lay listening." "The
warm womanness of her filled my palm, and she pressed against my hand." "Julie
opened her mouth and wriggled her hips as I slid one finger into the moist
heat of her vagina."
One of the main points of my original comment was to discourage unnecessary,
stereotypical use of adjectives like "hot," "throbbing" and "wet." The few
sentences I have cited here demonstrate that. If he doesn't need an adjective,
this author doesn't use one. In addition, he selects words (adjectives or
otherwise) that precisely say what he wants them to say.
As for metaphors, here's a simple one: "Rachel's head was between Ariana's
legs, and her tongue made soft sounds as it moved in and out, and Rachel's
fingers danced a dance of love." All I mean is that fingers don't really
dance, but the image of dancing fingers conjures up an almost poetic image
that gets the author's point across very nicely.
To be honest, when I recommended this author's prose to the other author, what
went through my mind was something like this: "Mark Aster's such a damned good
writer. Surely he must use adjectives and metaphors correctly. I think I'll
recommend him for this purpose." As I have examined this present story more
carefully, I think I was on the right track. To state it more precisely, I
think this author's main strength is his intelligent choice of words and
straightforward description of situations and activities that beautifully
convey the mood that he wants to share with us.
Having tried to wiggle off that hook (note my metaphor), let me suggest
another author for aspiring writers to imitate: Mary Anne Mohanraj. I find her
to be very similar to Aster with regard to choice of words and almost poetic
expression of ideas; but she's a lot more diverse in the types of stories
she's likely to write.
Ratings for "Stars in Our Eyes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Rene and Georgette" by Margaret Grace (mgrace@88net.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184660768&fmt=raw
The man and woman have returned from dinner and theater to their plush hotel
room. Ages are not given; but they have been together long enough to have
become bored with their regular sex routine. Not much of a clue about age, is
it? She's expecting another night of mundane, emotionless sex; but she instead
finds an incredible tenderness on his part and a deliberate attention to her
needs. The lovemaking becomes extremely romantic.
This story's sexual activities in themselves are by no means uninteresting;
but they are considerably enhanced by the sensitive context in which this
author inserts them.
Ratings for "Rene and Georgette"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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