Celestial Reviews 303 - Sept 5, 1998
Note: Someone sent me this review of of Microsoft's latest venture to share
with you:
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of
American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of
applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a
pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two
important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a
firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products:
Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1(from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite
also comes in two expanded versions.Contraceptive98 Professional is the
Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector.
Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the
housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels,
future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the
user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently
scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences.
One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session.
When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the
message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major
concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious
error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have
been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it's used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its
shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will
add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power
Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates stated optimistically: "Our contraceptive products
will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for
years."
Second note: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he
had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
this problem, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Third note: I'd like to express my gratitude to Apuleius of Madaura for
reposting so many of the "lost" stories. I have tried to repost as many of
the reviews as possible.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
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Celestial Reviews:
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"Turkish Delight Act IV" by Sista Shakespeare (exotic sex) 9, 9, 9
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"Tommy Fucks Meg's Brains Out" by Lostgirl (humor) 10, 10, 10
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http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14853.txt
"A Rare Gem" by bernadette (romance) 10, 10, 10
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"Crossing the Tsangpo" by Gordie D (brief encounter) 9, 10, 10
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"Best Friends" by Mikeybear (first time) 10, 10, 10
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"One Thing Leads to Another" by Irishlass (romantic poem) 8, 7, 7
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"Just a Scratch" by Vickie Morgan (quickie on an auto hood) 10, 10, 10
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"Love and/or Lust" by Jefferson James (poem) No Rating
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Guest Reviews:
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"Vicarious" by Anne Arbor (voyeurism). Dragon: 10, 10, 10
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"Six-Month Turnaround" by Bill Morgan (non-sex romance).
Vance: 8, 3, 3
#1 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14573.txt
#2 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14574.txt
#3 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14575.txt
#4 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14691.txt
#5 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14693.txt
#6 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14735.txt
#7 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14759.txt
#8 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14773.txt
#9 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14790.txt
#10 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14791.txt
#11 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14882.txt
#12 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14881.txt
#13 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14883.txt
#14 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14884.txt
#15 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14885.txt
#16 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14886.txt
"Lunch Date" by JB (pussy shaving). Owl: 10, 10, 10
"Travelin' Man" by JennTill (bdsm). Owl: 5, 5, 6
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "The Island" by Losgud (adult incest). Bookman: 9, 8, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=386880158&fmt=raw
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=386880166&fmt=raw
* "Long Ago and Far Away" by Sven the Elder (forbidden
romance) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286199842&fmt=raw
* "Lydia" by Brother Cadfael (caring romance). DG: 10, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=387074930&fmt=raw
* "Imagine My Surprise" by Morgan Preece (office romance)
10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=387074960&fmt=raw
* "Citation" by Unknown Author (pleasurable police bondage)
Piper: 8, 9.5, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=386864377&fmt=raw
* "Reunion" by Steve Black (romance) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=362039311&fmt=raw
* "Not Really Cheating" by Dave Schulte (mutual masturbation) 10, 10,
10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=385724135&fmt=raw
* "My So-Called Sex Life" by David Kelly (emerging sexuality) 10, 10,
10
* "Rain" by Crimson Dragon (ff bondage) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473326&fmt=raw
* "Love Fuck" by Pussy Barber (voyeurism & threesome)
9.5, 9, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382436508&fmt=raw
* "To See Or Not To See" by J.B. Mast (public & private sex)
Dart: 8, 8, 9
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========================
On this day in Celestial History
Celestial Reviews 115 - September 7, 1996
========================
"Remembering" by Michael K. Smith (incest) 10, 10, 10
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"CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (television parody)
10, 10, 10
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========================
"Turkish Delight Act IV" by Sista Shakespeare (sista_shakespeare@my-
dejanews.com).
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James and the Jinneč have been bathing outdoors in an exotic environment.
They go inside and make passionate oral and anal love. To tell you the details
would be counterproductive: your enjoyment lies in listening in your mind to
the author's descriptions.
This story relies completely on its exotic atmosphere to elicit erotic
emotions in the reader. It was good but not excellent for me; but that's a
matter of preference. If you like sex in exotic places, this may be the story
for you.
Ratings for "Turkish Delight Act IV"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Tommy Fucks Meg's Brains Out" by Lostgirl (lostgirl33@hotmail.com).
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This story deals with the problem of what might happen when we take our
metaphors literally. {The related problem of misusing the word "literally" is
discussed in the CELESTIAL VOCABULARY DEVELOPMENT section at the end of this
issue.}
Tommy has fucked Meg's brains out. That might sound like fun, but Tommy has
LITERALLY fucked Meg's brains out. She used to be an intelligent, renowned
doctor; but now she's as stupid and horny as a seventh grade detention hall.
Actually, Tommy hasn't fucked ALL of Meg's brains out; she still has she her
cerebellum and probably her hippocampus, and a few adjacent parts that control
more basic functions. The erstwhile Dr. Kruger still can experience anger,
fear, and sexual urges; it's just that she can no longer execute more involved
cognitive tasks. And she's actually quite affectionate and sexy in that little
backless hospital gown. And I finally got to use "erstwhile" correctly in one
of my reviews.
The following may be one of the best or possibly worst similes ever
written in a.s.s.:
"Defeat mocked him like those forty-five minutes in the Small World ride
watching three Peruvian dolls going up and down, singing that damn song in
Spanish over and over."
This is an excellent story. Somehow this review calls for a cherry popsicle.
Ratings for "Tommy Fucks Meg's Brains Out"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Rare Gem" by Bernadette (by_bernadette@yahoo.com).
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This story doesn't belong in a.s.s. It belongs in the popular press where
anyone who wants to do so can find it and read it.
Jewel has fallen in love with a man who is emotionally attached to someone
else. They have made tender love, and now they have to decide what course
their relationship will take. Jewel is an artist who has been heavily
influenced by her loving grandmother, who was a deeply religious person.
These factors weigh heavily in the way the story turns out.
The sex is sensual and erotic, but not pornographic. If people's religious or
philosophical values proscribe reading stories like this, they should get a
more sensible set of values.
I'm not going to tell you how the story turns out. I'll just say that it is
extremely well written and sensitive an excellent story.
Ratings for "A Rare Gem"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Crossing the Tsangpo" by Gordie D (GordonD103@aol.com).
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This is a story about a man traveling in a foreign country who has a brief
romantic encounter with a woman who doesn't even speak his language. Although
the sentence structure and syntax are sometimes a bit awkward, the story's
simple style serves it well. We get the impression of an extraordinary event
described in extremely ordinary terms, which is exactly what the author seems
to have wanted.
Ratings for "Crossing the Tsangpo"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Best Friends" by Mikeybear (mkaber@mindspring.com).
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The plot is a familiar one: the boy and girl grow up as best friends, but with
no sexual interest in each other. Then at age 14 they discover each other.
The tale of how these two best friends share their reciprocal "first times" is
very well told. This is an excellent story.
Ratings for "Best Friends"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"One Thing Leads to Another" by Irishlass (irishlass68@yahoo.com).
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The title has a double meaning: one event leads to another in the brief story
being narrated, and the line ending one stanza leads to the next by using the
same words at the beginning of one stanza that ended the last. It's an
interesting technique, but the author doesn't quite bring it off as well as I
would have liked.
On the other hand, reactions to poems are extremely individualistic, and so
you may really like this one.
Ratings for "One Thing Leads to Another"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Just a Scratch" by Vickie Morgan (artemis55@hotmail.com).
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The woman leaves her boyfriend with his boss at a dinner meeting. She goes to
the parking garage and finds a beautiful expensive car there the kind you
often see on a calendar with a skimpily-clad model sprawled over its hood.
What the hell, thinks she; and she sprawls. A man clearing his voice catches
her attention, and before you know it she is trying to think of a way to
compensate him for the scratch that seems to have appeared on the hood right
where she was cavorting. You can well imagine how she pays. The surprises
come after the compensation.
This was another extremely enjoyable story.
Ratings for "Just a Scratch"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Love and/or Lust" by Jefferson James (M.Shark@ix.netcom.com).
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I am going to resist my urge to assign a rating to this poem. I'll just say
that it consists of a series of rapidly rhyming couplets by an author who has
a track record of good stories. People's reactions will vary widely. If you
like poetry, take a look at this one. You can read its 60 lines in less time
than it will take you to download it.
(No rating)
"Vicarious" by Anne Arbor (AnneArbor@hotmail.com). Guest review by Crimson
Dragon.
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I've never read anything by Anne Arbor before, but I have to admit that I
quite enjoyed this short story. The story is basically a voyeuristic/
exhibitionistic competition of two university friends told from the
perspective of Anne, a current girlfriend to one of the friends. Despite the
short venue, Anne managed to get a reasonable level of plot as well as
character into all the people in the story. There is a small twist that I
should have seen coming, but I didn't, so I won't reveal too much more than
that.
The characters were fully described, and the small details made the story for
me. The story is fast paced and hooks you pretty quick.
The erotic aspects were also strong and well described for this type of story.
At least, I thought they were.
I didn't notice any glaring English errors, though I stumbled over the word
'commingled'. I looked it up, and Anne was right again. This story is well
written from a technical standpoint.
Remember that I'm still new to this reviewing stuff, but I'd recommend reading
this story.
Ratings for "Vicarious"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Crimson (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Six-Month Turnaround" by Bill Morgan (morg105829@hotmail.com). Guest review
by Vance (vance@sirius.com).
#1 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14573.txt
#2 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14574.txt
#3 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14575.txt
#4 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14691.txt
#5 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14693.txt
#6 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14735.txt
#7 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14759.txt
#8 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14773.txt
#9 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14790.txt
#10 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14791.txt
#11 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14882.txt
#12 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14881.txt
#13 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14883.txt
#14 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14884.txt
#15 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14885.txt
#16 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14886.txt
Most of the stories on this newsgroup are romances -- in two different senses.
First, of course, they're stories about love, at least in some of its
manifestations. But also, like medieval romances of knights in armor, or
hard-boiled novels of lonely detectives, they're stories that engage us by
showing characters doing things that, at least in our dreams, we would like to
do ourselves. "Six-Month Turnaround" is no exception: it's a love story, and
also a fantasy of a more exciting life. What's unusual for a.s.s.m is that
the fantasy isn't about sex, but business. We're used to impressively endowed
characters who do everything right in the pursuit of great sex, and are richly
rewarded. Here we get wealthy, clever, and honest young people, who shake up
a moribund company, do everything right to make it profitable, and live
happily ever after.
As Morgan warns in his head note, there is fairly little sex; but there is a
love story. The male lead is Cliff, the manly Howard Roark figure who steers
the company to success; the female lead is Sandra, his assistant at first,
whom he soon promotes to treasurer and bedmate. Gradually we learn that she
is not only smart and beautiful, but a compelling natural leader -- and even
the owner of the company! But despite these advantages, she was evidently
unable to act to change the company, until Our Hero came along to lead her. I
don't remember seeing *quite* this variant of the female-submissive fantasy on
a.s.s.m before. (And if you think this theme is incidental, read the last two
paragraphs.)
The authors of our sex stories usually do some preaching, mostly implicit,
about the right way to live, not limited to matters of sexual technique.
(This is probably inevitable in a romance. Even Friar Dave, one of our best,
does rather more of this than I need.) It's not surprising, then, that this
story preaches quite a bit, implicitly and explicitly, about business.
There's a lot about detailed methods, with numbers; I'm no businessman, but it
seems to me that Morgan gives his characters too many easy victories in this
regard -- for example, a change in accounting practices that instantly yields
millions in free money. More seriously, there's a strong dose of business
ideology, particularly the belief that what's best for the corporation is
what's best for everybody. If this is not the sort of fantasy that turns you
on (and the scenes in which the workers are shown to accept this, even as they
lose their jobs, are not exactly compelling), this story is probably not for
you.
Still and all, it's a fairly well-sustained long narrative (at least until the
preposterous incidents start piling up toward the end), and I give it an
Athena of 8. Venus and appeal to reviewer are both low but nonzero -- let's
say 3. If your fantasies, though, happen to run to reduced operating expenses
instead of hot throbbing flesh, your mileage will certainly vary.
Ratings for "Six-Month Turnaround"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 3
Vance (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Lunch Date" by JB (jms5b@virginia.edu). Guest review by Watchful Owl.
As I came to the end of "Lunch Date", I felt a silly grin half-slipping across
my features. This is a good read, entirely focused on a woman who decides to
shave her vagina for her husband's sake.
The author does an excellent job of what he's trying to do. The plot is not
deep, and it doesn't have to be. No names are given; they don't have to be.
This is a "charcoal sketch" of a story: no detail is given except to the
focus, yet beautiful in its simplicity.
Ratings for "Lunch Date"
Venus (Plot and character) 10
Athena (Technical Quality) 10
Watchful Owl (Appeal to reviewer) 10
"Travelin' Man" by JennTill (JennTill1@Hotmail.com). Guest review by Watchful
Owl.
This story, perhaps, has the right idea, but isn't able to pull it off.
Neil is a happily married traveling salesman staying in a hotel. When he goes
down to the bar, he meets two women, and... well, it's alt.sex.stories. What
do you think?
Bondage isn't my particular kink anyway, and "Traveling Salesman" does a sub-
mediocre job with it. The sleazy atmosphere does nothing for me, and there are
numerous spelling and grammar errors strewn all throughout the piece (although
I have seen much, much worse). The plot is fairly passe', and the characters
have no depth at all (other than Neil, who is as well-developed as can be
expected in such a story.)
Bottom line: Don't bother reading this. It doesn't achieve spectacular
badness, but it's really not worth your time.
Note: What do I mean by "spectacular badness?" One story (I wish I had saved
it, in retrospect) wins the "Watchful Owl's Spectacular Badness Award". It was
a cheerleader lesbian story. What follows is an accurate (NOT exaggerated)
outline and example paragraph.
One cheerleader goes to another's house. They start arguing with each other,
which turns to violence, until they tear each other's clothes off and have
sex. Here's a sample (typos are intentional):
... by now i was REALY mad, so I reched over and grabbed her bra. "you bitch!"
she yelled, and slapped me, and i tore her bra off! ...
It was so bad I winced. Repeatedly. If anyone has a copy of this story, please
post it to ASS so that I can see it :)
Ratings for "Traveling Salesman"
Athena (Technical quality): 5
Venus (Plot and character): 5
Watchful Owl (Appeal to reviewer): 6
* "The Island" by losgud (lushgod@hotnomail.com). Guest review by Bookman.
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Coming off the rubble of "The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy", I found this
story to be like a high hard dose in an oxygen bar. Clean, clear, and fresh.
Actually, the two stories shouldn't even be mentioned together, for "Island"
is a very good story. The narrator is a 40-ish man who goes out to an
isolated family cabin to prepare for the rest of the family's arrival for an
upcoming holiday. Looking forward to some time alone, he is mildly chagrined
when his married daughter decides to come along. Then daughter comes along. .
.
"Island" stands above the usual Daddy Does Daughter crowd of incest stories in
several respects. One, the parties are of an age where, even though they are
related, they can choose for themselves; and two, these people genuinely like
and respect each other. At no time is there even a hint that either party is
taking undue or unfair advantage of the other, so that the relationship is
free of a taint that many other writers doing incest stories would like to
ignore but can't quite get away from.
Losgud gives his protagonist a laconic, amusing voice and attitude that makes
him a character I, for one, would like to know in person. The daughter is
less well visualized, which leaves the reader unfortunately stuck solely in
the narrator's head. We never really see the forces that move her to her
(what must be life-changing) decision. She offers a vague "this-is-something-
I've-always-wanted-to-do" kind of reasoning, which I found unsatisfying, given
the rich reality woven for the character of the father.
The humorous voice of the narrator, one of the central features in the
construction of the story, is also disturbing, on a basic level. Losgud's
words drawl across the page, making the father a likable person in his own
right, but they have the counter effect of diluting the sex when it finally
arrives. There's no way an author (go ahead, prove me wrong, folks) can
maintain that kind of self-mocking attitude going through an intense sex
scene. {Actually, take a look at Mike Hunt or Friar Dave- Celeste.} Either
the very single-minded concentration demanded to make the sex hot will obviate
the self-mockery, or the sense of humor will make the intensity of the sex
scene seem hollow and silly. Losgud tries to go for hot-and-heavy, but
doesn't achieve it, and the final result is a haphazard warm-and-romantic.
The story maintains its integrity as a whole, but one senses the lack of a
commitment to the act, and the changed relationship implied by the act, that
would have brought the entire incident into sharper focus.
The story is posted in two parts, and the reader is left with the vague
feeling that there's a Part 3 lurking out there somewhere. These two people
have started changes in their lives that will ripple out in unseeable
directions. Losgud's ending only hints at what those directions might be.
Technically, very good. I only found one typo, which means the more obsessive
of you are now free to go perusing through the story to find what it was.
Ratings for "Island"
Athena: 9
Venus: 8
Apollo: 9
* "Long Ago and Far Away" by Sven the Elder (sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286199842&fmt=raw
This story is a retrospective about Sven's experiences before he was the Elder
- long ago and far away, when he was a white European romancing the black
African daughter of the local chieftain. The chieftain wasn't all that
thrilled about the relationship; and so he had ordered the relationship to
end. This is the story of the couple's last romantic tryst.
It's an interesting story with good sex, but my impression is that this is a
lot clearer and more interesting in the mind of the author than it will be to
the minds of people who do not share that same initial perspective.
Ratings for "Long Ago and Far Away"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Lydia" by Brother Cadfael (Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com).
Guest review by DG.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=387074930&fmt=raw
This is a very short story which reads like a middle chapter in a multipart
story, or like a single episode of a soap opera. I browsed around to see if I
could find more parts to the story, and I discovered that Brother Cadfael
tends to post very short snippets rather than fully developed stories, so I am
assuming it was written to stand alone.
The narrator has a friend named Lydia, with whom he wishes he had a romantic
relationship. When Lydia's boyfriend hits her, she moves in with the
narrator, and he discovers that she has romantic feelings for him also; but
they decide to hold off on having sex. That's about it - no background on the
characters, no sex to speak of.
Although "Lydia" is well-written and the author seems to have a talent for
storytelling, I can't really give high marks to something that doesn't seem to
be complete. I'd like to read something by this author that is more fully
developed.
Ratings for "Lydia"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7 (both are there but underdeveloped)
DG (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Imagine My Surprise" by Morgan Preece (zanna@whoever.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=387074960&fmt=raw
The boss attends the office Christmas party and meets an employee he didn't
know he had. She's only 18 (to his 55), but he's immediately attracted to
her. The only thing wrong with this story is that it's not complete. Right
now it's just flirtation leading up to what I expect to be hot sex. If it
lives up to my expectations, when it's finished this will be a good one.
Ratings for "Imagine My Surprise"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Citation" by Unknown Author. Guest review by Piper.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=386864377&fmt=raw
I think the premise of this story falls under the heading of "don't try this
at home". Any guy who flashes a female police officer in the expectation of
receiving the same kind of treatment John gets from Officer Edwards deserves
his just reward - booking, conviction, a police record as a sexual deviant,
fine, probation, and possible jail time.
Lucky for John, Kate Edwards isn't a normal cop, and she has a really well-
developed sense of humor. She gives him a chance to get out of the "public
exposure" charge (or whatever it's called in your neck of the woods). In her
own words, "Until six tomorrow morning, you are going to be my slave. If you
do everything, EVERYTHING I tell you to do, and don't complain about
anything...I'll be happy and you'll be free. Fail to comply just once, or
complain the slightest bit...and I book you as a pervert. Deal?" At this
point, John is naked and secured both hand and foot to an empty bunk in an
empty basement cell in an old, abandoned police building. He agrees.
This story involves handcuffs, zap straps, whipped cream, a string of pleasure
balls, a small vibrator, an abandoned but still functional police building,
and a banana. Officer Edwards just happened to have all of the above (except
the building) in a bag in her patrol car (I wonder just what kind of
"emergency" these things could be used for). Being the curious deviant I am,
and having no personal experience in this area, I asked my two friends about
the practicality of using a peeled banana. After the laughter died down and
they quit smirking at each other, I got the following advice:
"Yeah, you can use a peeled banana. It's better if you leave the
skin on, though," said one.
"As long as you cut the rough bit off the end," said the other (they
spoke in turns, frequently interrupting one another).
"Peeled, they're kinda fragile, so you gotta be real careful. Bear
down too much, and you got banana puree."
"That's messy. But it's fun cleaning up." (More laughs and
knowing glances passed between them.)
So now I know that bananas, peeled or not, are usable phallic substitutes.
The story gained a little credibility, although it still remained well out in
the realm of fantasy.
Technically, this story has some problems. Most of them, I believe, are due
to the ravages of time. The story has been around for a long time. It's been
through the mill, bouncing around from BBS to archive, from system to system,
from editor to word processor, and has suffered the odd wound. While I did
find one or two spelling errors, most of the problems come from small bits of
missing prose. Something, somewhere, pruned a few words here, the end of a
sentence there, and the odd descriptive in between.
This is a pretty good story. It doesn't quite fit into the femdom category
because Officer Edwards doesn't abuse, mistreat, or humiliate her captive.
She merely teases him into having the best sex of his entire life. The
descriptions are hot. The sex is hotter. The ending is a foregone conclusion
about a quarter of the way through. An enjoyable fantasy for anyone who's had
lustful thoughts about our women in blue.
Ratings for "Citation"
Technical merit 8
Plot & character 9.5
Appeal to reviewer 9
* "Reunion" by Steve Black (c621097@showme.missouri.edu).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=362039311&fmt=raw
When I reviewed the first story by this author I complimented him for trying
to blend the emotional with the rational, but I chided him for going too far
to the rational side. This author is a fast learner: this story is an
excellent blend of the two components. I'm not going to describe the story in
detail. Briefly, it's about a man and woman who used to be lovers but drifted
apart and who become reunited at the end of this story. Some readers will
dislike it because in the first two-thirds of the story there is no sex at all
in it. Sometimes lengthy monologues about "how I screwed up our relationship"
are really boring, but the author effectively uses lines from "their song" to
break the potential monotony.
Incidentally, I don't mean this as criticism of this particular story, but in
real life when there's a problem with a romantic relationship and people seem
to be drifting apart, there's at least one good solution besides having an
affair or dissolving the relationship. It's called counseling. If you find
that reading a.s.s. stories and even my reviews doesn't help you get your life
in order, go to the phone book and look in the yellow pages In the Sulfur
Springs Yellow Pages, you would look under either "Mental Health Services" or
"Marriage, Family, Child & Individual Counselors." I don't know why it's not
even cross-referenced under "C" for "Counselors.". It has always angered me
that it's so much easier to find a car dealer or dentist than a counselor.
It's not an admission of failure to seek help.
On a less serious note, this story raises the question: When two people are
alone in a house and no one else even has a key, why do they close the bedroom
door when they make love? This was an excellent, romantic story.
Ratings for "Reunion"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Not Really Cheating" by Dave Schulte.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=385724135&fmt=raw
A man and a woman work together. Both of their spouses are too busy to
satisfy them sexually; yet each wants to remain faithful and monogamous. They
become aware of their mutual attraction to each other. They decide that since
infidelity involves actual sex, it wouldn't really be cheating if they simply
masturbated together; and so they do so. It's an interesting idea, and the
story is well written. Incidentally, in my own opinion, this *is* really
cheating. In other words, I would consider myself to be unfaithful to my
husband if I needed a sexual fix and got it by masturbating with a friend when
my husband was too busy to satisfy me. Infidelity involves the violation of a
relationship, and what the story describes is at least the beginning of the
violation of a relationship. No real moral lesson here - just a commentary on
the title. It was still an enjoyable story. By the way, in my morally acute
mind, reading stories on a.s.s. and fantasizing about them does *not*
constitute a violation of a relationship, even if Tammy Ng does write cynical
letters to the reviewer Now you know why I read twenty of these stories a
week! I had better talk to my husband.
Ratings for "Not Really Cheating"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"My So-Called Sex Life" by David Kelly.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473326&fmt=raw
I have watched "My So Called Life" on television just a few times. It must
conflict with something else I do. It was a good show, and my kids watch it
regularly. My impression is that the television show deals with emerging
adolescence in a quasi-humorous fashion; and this set of stories is going to
attempt to give a similar treatment to emerging sexuality. So far this series
is pretty good. The first story starts out with the young heroine going to
her parents' bedroom to ask permission to go out. When no one responds to her
knock, she opens the door and sees her mom giving her dad head, while a porn
flick runs on the television screen. "At least they weren't using handcuffs,"
she smiles, as she runs out of the house. "What's that on Daddy's face?" asks
her little sister. So the author had my attention.
Episode 1 is mostly about an all-girl threesome, with Angela contemplating
taking the plunge with Jordan Catalano, the young man who is the "object of
her desires and thirty four separate masturbation fantasies." The dialog is
natural and sexy: "I gave Jordan a hand job. It was... nice." Angela said.
"Nice?" Rayanne said, "you make it sound like a Hallmark card or something!"
In the second episode Angela and Jordan do the deed. It was indeed nice. I
look forward to more of these thoroughly enjoyable episodes. I may even watch
the original show more often.
Although lightheartedness pervades both episodes, there are some serious
insights. For example, after the all-girl mini-orgy, there's this passage:
"What does this mean?" Angela wondered. "It's not like I am attracted to
women, but it was, um, good. What if I do it too much and become no longer
attracted to guys? Time to re-think this." This is an important thought.
Teenagers should be open to the idea that same-sex activities (and fantasies)
are likely to be really enjoyable; and they should be able to think about this
option without either (a) being filled with disgust over not being "normal" or
(b) committing themselves to a lifelong designation as gay or lesbian. Life
is more complicated than that.
To be perfectly honest, I'd prefer that my own 15-year-old daughter discover
that she enjoys *fantasizing* about doing it with other girls as much as she
enjoys *fantasizing* about doing it with boys. I'm not going to disown my
children if I find out they've been having sex; but I really do like the idea
of letting them grow up before they become active participants. I myself
graduated as a popular, heterosexual student athlete who happened to be a
virgin; and I am absolutely certain that my virginity was not a personality
flaw that impeded my future sex life.
So who's going to read these stories - the under-18-year-olds who comprise the
protagonists or the older generation who are theoretically allowed to read
this stuff on a.s.s.? I suppose the Christian Coalition would object - and I
am not going to leave these stories on the coffee table for my children; but I
would not really be upset to know that my children were reading stories like
this. The teenage movies and TV shows are filled with innuendo; these
episodes just make explicit what is implicit in those stories. My kids have
already heard my lecture about how real-life differs from the movies. (For
those who are interested, here are the three big differences: (1) People
have to fall in love and jump into the sack really quickly in the movies,
because more realistic and desirable timelines are impractical in a two-hour
movie or half-hour TV episode. (2) Indians really would not be so dumb as to
ride around in circles, and some of the bullets would hit horses. (3) At
least occasionally the Indians would rape the women (and men) whom they
captured.) So even though I encourage people to follow the laws of their
state or nation, I'm not going to be upset if consenting adolescents
occasionally see these stories.
The other major audience for these stories consists of "old" people (over age
18), who can remember what it was like to be a teenager. Even though I
graduated from high school without ever doing anything like the activities
described in this story, I can identify with them. Doing these things would
be fun. Even the Christian Coalition people would have fun doing these
things. They'd go to hell, maybe; but they'd have fun. And that's what
fiction is for - vicariously doing things that for some reason (in this case,
a good reason, if eternal damnation were really a possible consequence) you
would otherwise never experience. All right - so that's not the only reason
for fiction; but it's one good reason anyway.
Ratings for "My So-Called Sex Life"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Rain" by Crimson Dragon (crimson@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473326&fmt=raw
Kat has to have a talk
with Leanne. She doesn't want to do it. She really doesn't. But she
has to.
I won't tell you what Kat is so nervous to discuss with Leanne, but I will
mention that after the conversation Leanne handcuffs Kat to a large oak tree
near their cabin and makes love to her in the rain. It's really pretty sexy!
I felt that the author over-used the technique of employing sentence fragments
to denote disjointed thoughts. Like this. Especially when the fragments are
not parallel. To give the impression of disjointed thinking. Perhaps. It's a
legitimate approach, and the author does it better than I did in the previous
"sentences"; but I just think maybe the author should be a little more
selective in the use of this method.
Ratings for "Rain"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Love Fuck" by Pussy Barber .
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382436508&fmt=raw
This story is posted as a sort of ad for the Klub Kelli Erotic Stories Mailing
List, which can be reached at the address cited here or at its website:
http://www.klubkelli.com/erotica.
Kristen's boyfriend has unexpectedly canceled, and so she is the third member
of a party spending a few days at a rustic retreat. First she gets really
turned on watching Janet and Jerry make exciting love on two occasions. Next
she finds out that Jerry would really like to do it with her, and then she
finds herself making love to Janet in the shower. Soon the three are banging
away together. This is really hot stuff.
Ratings for "Love Fuck"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "To See Or Not To See" by J.B. Mast (Mastwords1@aol.com). Guest review by
Dart.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=329807483&fmt=raw
Adam and his wife Julie are having dinner out, celebrating his promotion to
Vice President at Arrow Electronics. It's been ten years since Adam started
his career at Arrow, and they had celebrated that beginning at the same
restaurant, and with the same menu selection that they have ordered this
evening. Julie planned the evening that way; she remembers such things, but
she doesn't think Adam does. He surprises her by remembering that evening, by
remembering that they're at the same restaurant and have ordered the same
dishes. But he also remembers how they excited each other during dinner. That
portion of their previous celebration wasn't part of Julie's plan for this
evening--she had a different, more exotic, sexual agenda planned--but Adam is
very encouraging and Julie's a supportive spouse.
What follows is a pretty steamy scene of public sex, and then, in the ladies'
room, of private sex. Back at their table, Julie's so washed out that she's
not sure she has the energy for Adam's planned "dessert." But when Adam learns
what it is .... Well, Julie's a very supportive wife.
I really liked this story, but I do have some complaints. I think the dialogue
is a tad too formal for the scene the story describes. I also think, though
this is certainly arguable, that given the way Adam and Julie's encounter
unfolded at the restaurant table, the wrong person was on their knees in the
ladies' room.
There were also minor typo and editing problems. Adam was once referred to as
"Michael." In the paragraph:
He took a bite of bread and then forked some salad while I
watched. She had her eyes locked onto his, smiling at him
as she unbuttoned her crisp white shirt top with her long
slim fingers.
the "I" should be "she," unless it's kinkier than I believe.
With a very little assistance from one of Celeste's marvelous proofreaders,
this good story could have been even better.
Ratings for "To See Or Not To See"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Dart (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Remembering " by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=237573549&fmt=raw
Please believe me when I tell you that I wrote the "Comment on Authors'
Rights" that appears at the end of this issue BEFORE I read this story. In
that Comment I describe a story entitled "Raped Teen Burglar" by an author
named TEX, in which that author offers a reality check: maybe raping a teenage
burglar wouldn't be so much fun after all. In this story Michael K. Smith
suggests (to me at least) a similar reality check: maybe incest isn't all that
it's cracked up to be.
Don't run away! Neither the story nor this review will be a moral lecture.
In the story a woman describes to a psychiatrist her sexual experiences with
her brother, who first raped her when she was thirteen and he was eighteen
years old. The brother did most of the things to her that happen in other
incest stories; but although she became a "willing" participant for the next
four years, her reaction is different from that of the "victim" in most incest
stories.
I do NOT think that a person is necessarily a pervert if he or she enjoys
reading (or even writing) incest stories in which everyone enjoys the "family
fun." I am even willing to imagine that the world may be full of boys and
girls (and subsequently, adults) who have been subtly coerced into having sex
with a parent, sibling, or relative, and who have maintained their normal
emotional stability and have gone on to become valedictorians, CEOs, PTA
presidents, and other all-around well-adjusted people. I just don't know any
of them. However, I HAVE worked with high-risk (dropout-prone) adolescent
girls, and it's astonishing how many of them have been involved in what we
call incestuous relationships.
Again, I don't have a major problem with fantasies; but I think we should be a
little careful even there. If I at my 40-plus age see my sexy brother, think
back to my childhood, and fantasize about how neat it would have been to do
sexually intimate things with him, I see no problem with this fantasy. On the
other hand, if I find myself fantasizing about how cute my daughter looks and
thinking that maybe it would be fun to "initiate her into the joys of
womanhood," I should consider the possibility that I may have a problem.
Even this fantasy would quite likely be harmless - as long as I am a person
that can keep my fantasies separate from my real life; but not everyone can do
that. Unfortunately, it's the person who can't keep them separate who is
least likely to wonder whether he or she has a problem.
I think we readers and writers on this newsgroup should be aware that
sometimes our stories may indeed CAUSE PROBLEMS for some readers. It's naive
to deny this. People who fantasize about chocolate cake are more likely to
eat chocolate cake; kids who fantasize about playing basketball are more
likely to play basketball; why should maladaptive sexual practices be any
different? This doesn't mean that we should ban advertisements of chocolate
cake, abolish basketball on television, or suppress the publication of
provocative stories; it merely means that we should acknowledge that there
could be a problem. One "solution" is to provide children and adults with
accurate, sensible information - probably as a part of a wholesome
relationship between parents and children. Another solution is to help
children (and adults) learn to deal adaptively with their fantasies. Another
solution is to post and read stories like this one that offer an occasional
reality check.
Ironically, of course, this story would be banned from the school in which I
teach. If I tried to discuss it in class, I would be fired.
My mother used to have a friend who was a religious fanatic. She used to lug
with her a shopping bag in which she carried religious tracts on various
topics. She would "accidentally" leave her pamphlets in buses, in
restaurants, in bars, and in other places, so that naive finders would get
religion. Maybe I'll try that with this story.
Ratings for "Remembering"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "CBS Evening News" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=178066141&fmt=raw
Dan Rather had initially been miffed at having Connie Chung assigned as his
co-anchor; but of late he has begun to enjoy the visual pleasantries of having
a hot chick to look at during breaks in the evening news. Imagine his
surprise when Connie confides in him that she and Maury are having trouble
getting pregnant. Imagine his further surprise when she asks Dan to be the
sperm donor - right there on her couch! This is a hot an sexy story. I'll
have to switch from NBC to CBS for my evening news.
The Bad News is that Max Wojtylak recently announced that he is almost out of
these parodies. As you may know, Max himself did not write these stories; his
Uncle Mike did, and Max simply found the stories when he was cleaning up the
hard drive or something like that. My advice to Max is to get Norton
Utilities and run the Unerase program; maybe there are another ten or so
stories buried there. If that doesn't work, try a seance. I really like
these stories; and oddly enough, Uncle Mike seems to write better the longer
he's been dead. Imagine that!
Ratings for "CBS Evening News"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
CELESSTIAL VOCABULARY DEVELOPMENT: LITERALLY. The word "literally" does not
mean "emphatically." Nor does it mean "figuratively"; in fact it means the
opposite of figuratively. It means "according to the exact meaning of the
word(s)." Therefore, don't use the word unless you want people to accept as
true exactly what you are saying.
My sister is literally a whore. {This means she really does
compensation for engaging in sexual activities.}
She literally wore me out with her sexual antics. {This is
plausible. This means the speaker was truly exhausted after
the activity.}
He literally fucked my brains out. {This is improbable, unless
gray matter appeared externally during the fuckation.}
She literally fucked him to death. {This is possible, but only
if sexual activity led to the gentleman's demise.}
Her breasts were literally the size of basketballs. {This can be
empirically verified by checking with Spaulding.}
She literally ate me out. {This might actually be a clever thing
to say if she bedecked his cock with chocolate syrup or other
comestibles prior to oral stimulation.}
That guy is literally one big motherfucker. {This is true only if
he actually does indulge with his mama. Otherwise, say
"certainly."
"Fuck you!" she said.
"I hope you mean that literally," he replied.
I know of one sportscaster who uses the word literally thousands of times a
year, and almost always incorrectly. The word "literally" was used
incorrectly in the preceding sentence. Unless he really uses the word
incorrectly at least a couple of thousand times a year, I should have said "he
seems to use the word incorrectly thousands of times a year" - or I could have
simply settled for some other expression, such as "very often" or "almost as
often as the pope shits in the woods."
<end>