Celestial Reviews 300 - August 22, 1998
Note: If Cartoons Were X-Rated:
On the Simpsons, Maggie wouldn't be the only one going "suck, suck."
When Popeye ate his spinach, the music would be the same, but the bulging
would come from a different location.
Fred Basset and Marmaduke would do it doggie-style.
Cathy wouldn't be so talkative with her mouth full all the time.
Scooby-Doo would spend all his time in the van offering passersby a "Scooby
Snack."
South Park would be pretty much the same.
Second note: The pastor and his assistant rode their bikes to church every
Sunday. One day the assistant showed up at church without his two-wheeler.
The pastor asked him where his bike was. The assistant replied, "I don't know,
but I think it has been stolen!" The pastor said, "Well, what you should do is
read off the ten commandments during the service, and when you get to "Thou
Shall Not Steal" someone will confess to the theft."
The next Sunday the assistant had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike
back. Did you do what I suggested?" the pastor asked.
The assistant answered, "Well, kind of. But when I was reading the
commandments and got to "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery," I seemed to remember
where I had left it."
Third note: I just got back from vacation. A special THANK YOU to the many
reviewers whose reviews I found in my mailbox and which are in this issue! An
equally special THANK YOU to Bitbard for posting CR 299 and my Cumulative
Update while I was gone. However, my mailbox is jammed fuller than a whore's
cunt at Billy Bob's. I cannot possibly respond to everything without falling
way behind in my reviews. Thanks for your comments! Also, if you posted a
story on a.s.s.m. during my absence, I'll probably find it. On the other
hand, if you posted on a.s.s. and expect me to find it, you had better try
sending me a copy instead.
Final note: I have received some entries for my most recent contest.
However, because I am backlogged, I have to extend the deadline until Aug 28.
So there's still time to enter. Here are the rules:
About 50 years ago Ray Bradbury wrote a story called "The Veldt." In that
story a family has a nursery for their children that includes what we would
now call a virtual reality playroom. When the children go into the playroom,
they get the authentic feeling of being in an actual veldt - a jungle area
populated by mysterious and dangerous animals. Complications arise when the
playroom takes on a life of its own - when the virtual reality becomes more
real than virtual. You can imagine what happens when Mom and Dad decide to
close down the playroom - or you can read the story (which is in Bradbury's
book entitled "The Illustrated Man") to see how Bradbury handles the ending.
Your job is to write a story based on the general premise of a virtual reality
playroom. Feel free to change almost everything. You can have adults rather
than children, and you don't need non-human animals at all. In fact, it might
be best not to even look at Bradbury's story at all - let your own imagination
have full play. Bradbury's story is actually a Frankenstein story with a
moral - what happens when we fail to understand technology and its
limitations? Your story doesn't have to be like that at all. You don't even
need to know that Bradbury himself once said that "man's machines are indeed
symbols of his most secret cravings and desires, extra hands put out to touch
and interpret the world."
Post your stories as you feel they are ready. Send me a copy. Deadline is
now August 28.
If you think you have submitted a story for this contest, please send me a
query to verify that I have received it. I'd hate to lose a good entry in the
mass of messages piled on my desktop.
One more note: If you are the author of "Airport," please contact me and tell
me your name. I received this story as an attached file, but it has no name on
it anymore. Listen up: if you want credit for your stories, y'all had better
put your name on the top line right under the title and right above the text
of the story.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
=====================
Celestial Reviews:
=====================
"Champagne & Trains" by bernadette (unusual one-nighter) 9, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383133998
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14596.txt
"Awakenings" by Ann Douglas (emerging ff sexuality) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524630 01
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524625 02
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524620 03
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524636 04
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524641 05
"Builders" by Nick (exhibitionism) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381517147
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14386.txt
"Principles" by the_story_writer (getting pregnant) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382450014
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14548.txt
"Making Waves" by Unknown Author (sex in public) 9, 7, 7
{Unarchived}
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"New Beginnings" by Miss Behavin (romance). Bitbard:10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376245490
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/year98/13476.txt
"Unmasked" by Jordan Shelbourne (retired superhero). LeAnna: 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=377118863
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13578.txt
"Possession" by EazinAlong (pleasant bdsm). Mink: 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376240419
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13482.txt
"The Artist" by Paris Waterman (seduction). Sven: 9.5, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376245508
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13500.txt
"Of Age" by Ashes22 (rape). LeAnna: 5, 4, 2
{Unarchived}
"Voodoo" by mc_writer (mind control). Baird: 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287692 1-4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287687 5-8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287679 9-11
"Kat" by Mocha Man (liberation through swinging). McStuff: 4, 8, 7
{Unarchived}
"Portfolio Update" by Jeff Justice (photo-shoot sex). Myers: 8.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=366844478
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=375043459
"Intro to Your Seduction" by El Sol (seduction). Ivan: 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374582580
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13323.txt
"The Kind Men Like" by Q. Daphne A. (futuristic sex). JJMoneyBoy: 10, 10, 10
{Unarchived}
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "Zipless Fuck" by Doug (quickie) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=378068113
* "Ripe" by Bronwen (pregnant sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380904989
* "Maria in Maine" by Mike Hunt (hot threesome) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380892041
* "Good Sport" by Plainman (playful sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380898049
* "You Always Sleep with Your Hairdresser - Don't You?" by Sven
the Elder (witty sexual encounters) 9.5, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=220096085
* "The Better To..." by M.M. Twassel (fairy tale sex)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380873838
* "Little Red Riding Hood" by Sarah Jahn (fairy tale sex)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=213557659
* "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike
(sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382436480
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382436502
* "The Goodnight Kiss" by Summer's Rose (sleepy sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380898051
* "Lunchtime Vignette" by Rajah Dodger (D&s) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380892033
* "Bulls" by Lord Malinov (sexual exploit) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=378061695
* "Marissa's Promise" by Jonathan Dzoba (teen romance &
masturbation) 10, 8, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382436484
==================
"Champagne & Trains" by bernadette (by_bernadette@yahoo.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383133998
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14596.txt
The woman is lonely on New Year's Eve. She leaves a party and goes to a bar,
where she is still out of place and alone. Suddenly she sees the man of her
destiny, and impulsively she injects herself into his life. They leave the
bar and eventually make love to the sound and rhythms of a roaring train as it
passes by them in a desolate area.
This author shows potential. The present story is a bit slow in development.
It also lacks emotions, but I suppose the author wanted to convey a feeling of
loneliness that would have been disrupted by displays of more active emotions.
I'll look for more stories by this author.
Ratings for "Champagne & Trains"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Awakenings" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524630 01
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524625 02
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524620 03
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524636 04
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381524641 05
Kathryn has a good job at her company's introductory level and has aspirations
for a future career. This makes her a little unpopular with some of her
female coworkers, who view their jobs as interim activity between weekend cock
hunts. Since she stays to herself and isn't out to get laid, she acquires an
inaccurate reputation as a lesbian. Kathryn's relationship with her boyfriend
has about run its course, and a female friend at work has invited her to a
play in the city. Where do you think this is heading?
What Ann Douglas is really good at is her intelligent handling of the
ambivalence of emerging ff sexual feelings. Her characters are not airheads
looking for a sexual thrill, but intelligent people who are integrating their
emotions with their personalities.
As usual, Ann does a good job of combining present activities with flashbacks
to the past. The result is an excellent combination of well-described mf, ff,
and solo sexual action.
There are a few stylistic lapses in this story. For example, within a span of
two sentences we have this sequence:
"So you'll just have to get along with out me."
"Suite yourself," Angela said as she got up to leave.
And in the next paragraph the author refers to Kathryn as Yolanda. In another
place a spellcheck has apparently changed "elevator" to "elevation," even
though she was riding the "lift" to a lower floor. Later Angela hugs a friend
in a "pubic place." There's no law against proofreading!
Ratings for "Awakenings"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Builders" by Nick (nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381517147
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14386.txt
Remember the sexy hunk in the Coke commercial of a few years ago? He would
take his shirt off and drink a Coke while all the women ogled him from nearby
windows. {I didn't expect my computer to accept "ogled," but the spellcheck
didn't even blink!"} Well, this story is sort of from the Coke Man's point of
view. He's a working bloke on a tiny island off the coast of Europe, and he
has a bod that the birds and crackers admire - sort of a "page three man," if
you can imagine such a thing. And he struts his stuff. This story is a Day
in His Life. No actual sex, but some good voyeurism and exhibitionism. A
really nice little tale. <grin - subtle pun>
All of which reminds us of the following story:
Every day the woman watched the young landscape gardener through her kitchen
window. He was tanned and blond with rippling muscles and an enticing bulge in
his jeans. Two or three times a day he'd step behind the tool shed. She knew
what he was doing, and her imagination soared at the thought of what he held
in his hand. Finally, she saw him slip behind the shed and she hurried around
the shed from the other side. There he was in all his splendid glory, pissing
on the ground. Her heart leapt when she saw his penis. She blurted, "Mmmm.
I'll have some of that."
"Well," he drawled, "you'd better get a cup quick. I'm about finished."
Ratings for "Builders"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Principles" by the_story_writer (the_story_writer@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382450014
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14548.txt
Synopsis: The guy doesn't want to overpopulate the world, but he really likes
to fuck his wife. For her part, she wants to have a very large family. She
finds ways to get pregnant - again and again and again....
In its own way this story is as "repulsive" as the pedophile and incest
stories. I mean, it really isn't a good idea to overpopulate our planet, is
it? But I laughed my head off while I read this story and then went in and
did the big nasty with my husband. Fortunately, he knows how to say
"vasectomy," which is something that our hero does not seem to know about.
Ratings for "Principles"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Making Waves" by Unknown Author (arcticwolverien@hotmail.com).
This story should be classified as an unadorned adolescent fantasy - kind of
like the sort of thing you'll see someday on a cable channel that broadcasts
the cartoonized sexual fantasies of school children. Imagine this: A guy goes
to a waterbed store to buy some sheets, and the saleslady is a lewd and
lascivious little love lioness who fucks him repeatedly and enthusiastically!
Wow! Imagine that. And the author has lots more just like this one! Imagine
that.
Ratings for "Making Waves"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"New Beginnings" by Miss Behavin' (missbehavin@sprint.ca). Guest review by
BitBard (bitbard@newsguy.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376245490
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/year98/13476.txt
I have to admit I was reluctant to read this story. I was getting a little
behind <g> in my email and my other reading, and then there was this story
idea I had rattling around in my head. And I'll say the beginning of the un-
coded story did not help my reluctance any either. I mean how many fathers
watch porno flicks with their sons at a bachelor party? So I wasn't overly
thrilled with where the story was going.
And then something wonderful happened as the story moved forward, alternating
between the present and fond remembrances by the husband of his late wife.
Bit by bit the details began to build a story of a man who's been alone for a
very long time and then meets of all people, the best friend of his brand new
daughter-in-law.
The story deals very tactfully with the intergenerational issues but also
deals realistically with the problems of loss and being too long out of the
mating game. All of this makes the sex realistic and tangible, in addition to
being very well written and hot.
I think maybe the story ends too abruptly, but not jarringly so. I think I
would have liked to see an exploration of the intergenerational relationship
after the sex (For instance, how will the new daughter-in-law take to having
her best friend becoming her mother-in-law?). But this is a nit. As
abruptly as the story ends, it ends in a charmingly thought-provoking and very
human manner.
All told this is a wonderful story and well worth your time. It was certainly
worth mine no matter how scarce it happens to be at the moment :-)
Ratings for "New Beginnings"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Bitbard (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Unmasked" by Jordan Shelbourne (jordan@u36.com). Guest review by LeAnna.
(This review means only my opinion, nothing more.)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=377118863
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13578.txt
This is an excellent story. It starts out right after an engaged couple,
Emily and Jim, finish making love. There's a slight problem with their sex
life -- she never orgasms during 'it'. Jim asks her why, and she gives him a
laconic answer. It's obvious that they've been through this before. After
lying together for a few moments, they get up to go through her scrapbooks,
deciding what to throw out before she moves in with him. Jim opens a
scrapbook and discovers that Emily was once a sexy young superhero named "The
Blackbird". The same superhero that fueled dozens of his adolescent
fantasies. He can't quite get over it. The thought gets his hormones pumpin'
(and that's not all that gets pumpin'...)
What is meaningful about this story is the psychology that develops -- even
though she insists that she isn't involved with that anymore and should get
rid of her costume, she still gets revved up by the mere thought of her
previous escapades. The moral here is... no, I won't get into that. :-) It's
a good read -- pick this one up and see for yourself! The dialogue is
impeccable, the sex is clitoris-tingling, and the love between them is
obvious.
Ratings for 'Unmasked'
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
LeAnna (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Possession" by EazinAlong (EazinAlong@aol.com). Guest review by the
reclusive Mike Ink.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376240419
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13482.txt
Bobby Vinton once did a song with the line "She wore blue velvet." In this
story, she wears black velvet, at least a black velvet blindfold. Since this
is ASSM, you'll not be surprised to hear that she is wearing little else
midway through the story, except for some rope. She is curious about
dominance and submission, so she and her lover are trying something new
tonight. The result is a rather nice short tale of consensual sex with a mild
D/S theme. The quote that summed things up for me was,
"Your orgasm is your tribute to me," he gasped. "Cum loud and hard so I'll
know you appreciate this."
There are a few small technical flaws. Several words were misspelled, and an
apparently new one was created. I don't think "orgastic" is really a word;
the author should pick either orgiastic or orgasmic as he pleases.
There are also two minor stylistic flaws, at least to my taste. First, the
author ... overuses ... ellipses. He manages ... to pack ... 137 ... of them
... into 176 paragraphs ... counting dialog. That proved to be ... a little
too much ... of a good thing. It was like talking ... to someone with asthma
... on a bad day. I would recommend more use of commas, semicolons, and such.
Also, her blindfold wasn't the only thing that got me thinking of black
velvet. Some of the adjectives were overly lush and stereotyped, again at
least to my taste. Some sample phrases: "the smooth globes encased in the
tight fabric," and "the valley between her orbs." The author is a competent
wordsmith; his dialog is good, and the characterization is deft, but he needs
to dial back the similes just a hair.
In fairness, I'm criticizing some admittedly minor points, because this is a
good story. It's short, reasonably hot, and just the thing for a quick light
read. Recommended.
Here's where I ease along to the numbers:
Ratings for "Possession"
Athena (technical quality): 9 (just ... too ... many ... ellipses)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (simple and predictable, but deftly handled)
Mink (appeal to reviewer): 9 (but you might rate it higher)
"The Artist" by Paris Waterman (the_panda@hotmail.com). Review by Sven the
Elder, who may be contacted at Sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376245508
---
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13500.txt
Synopsis: Delicious seduction
I loved this entwined tale. It's slightly different to the norm and
delightfully appealing as a result. It's the description of a runway seduction
from the lady's point of view, with her thoughts as to what's being done and
what's happening to her. I have to say the sex is hot and well described. I
particularly liked the ending.
I did have two problems, I guess some automobiles in the US are a little
larger than their English counterparts. As the scene progresses, a smaller
model would have been a definite handicap. Just to digress slightly, I had a
friend who carried out all his courting and seduction in an English Mini-
minor. Small these most certainly are, built for sex they most certainly are
not. He used to say it was a relief if the night was dry, at least one could
open the windows and poke your feet outside. Conjures up an interesting
picture! The second item has caused me to drop the points a little under
technical marks. Celeste has pointed this out before and I would get my wrist
slapped if I missed it. My dictionary definition is as follows (paraphrased in
the interests of brevity):
'Areola - any circular spot, such as those round the nipple.
Aureola - crown or aura of light round the head of a saint, or a halo round
the sun.' Sorry but it is a basic error that has been dwelt upon in the past.
I will be taking up the authors offer to visit his web site.
Ratings for "The Artist"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5 One glaring error.
Venus (plot & character): 10 although short (a little over 2000
words) this was nicely dealt with and developed.
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 10 A little 'strokish', but that is *not*
a complaint.
"Of Age" by ashhes22@hotmail.com. Guest review by LeAnna. (This review means
only my opinion, nothing more. If it pisses you off, tell yourself that I'm
talking out of my ass and have a stiff drink.)
Incidentally, this story looked kinda like spam. If you want thousands more
stories JUST like this one, go to http://www.bullshit.com.
There are some good stories in alt.sex.stories. This is not one of them.
This is not well-written, and it gives me a vibe... a vibe.... Yes! It was
written by a 17-year old guy who wishes he could dominate and control a woman
like this! It's done in such a subtle way -- kinda creeps up on you. It
*ALMOST* falls into the category of "rape-but-ok-cuz-she-dug-it-man". But
this guy musta figured out that it wasn't cool and then tried to hide it in a
story it had no business hiding in. If he had *expanded* on the parts that
seemed like he was trying to hide it, it could have been so much better. Even
if it's the most disgusting story -- WRITE IT as it WANTS to be WRITTEN.
There was a prison snuff story written by Wollstonecraft that stands among one
of my favorites. Most readers, if the story is good enough, will overlook
squick content.
The narrator, a male, meets a chick at a grocery store. She invites him to
her house for coffee. This led me to believe that the woman was rather dumb,
but I overrode that in my head. He does the movie-smooth-guy-act of putting
the girl in front of a mirror and showing her how beautiful she is when she,
as usual of all females, starts bitching about her looks. And then he, in one
smooth move, strips her of all clothing. She says in an icy voice that he
should leave. This is the main part, right here, that led me to believe that
it was not well-written. It almost seemed as if the author was purposely
trying to suppress the nature of the story -- he mentions her unhappiness with
him in such an off-hand way that I barely caught it. And then goads her into
a blowjob. But she loves it, she's lapping him up. And then she bows to him
and thanks him for being so good to her. And the story plays on.
If you couldn't guess what my major problem with the plot was... read the
preceding paragraph again.
Technically, the sentences were too long, mauled commas as an additive to our
English language, and sort of, went off point and topic, a little bit like
this, which was the same way that her hair lay on her head. If the author
wants a couple of extra periods, I've got some laying around here. In any
case, I'm giving it very low technical points because the author didn't even
try to proofread it. If s/he had, he'd have caught the commas out there all
the way in space , and lassoed them in to the corral. Misuse of ye olde
comma bugs me. Sadly, next to the previous story that Celeste sent me (which
went unreviewed), this was incredibly intelligent and literate.
I also consider this part of the technical score: many of the events were non
sequiturs. For instance, in the third paragraph, no dialogue, she says that
her boyfriend thinks she's stupid. So the narrator replies, "but you're such
a good conversationalist!" Don't show me. TELL ME, please. I want to find
out -- I don't want to be told.
Another nit: don't repeat words or similar words (unless you happen to be
having fun playing with them.) But don't say, "And so she bent over, so she
could show me her shiny twat, so I sunk my shivering sword into her slick
hole." It's not a tongue-twister, it's a paragraph.
Incidentally, the title? "Of Age". The author mentioned _once_ that she was
19. In no way did he show her innocence that the title implied. If he
thought her reluctance meant innocence... I wouldn't want this narrator
anywhere near me, and I'm nowhere near a sweet little girl.
Authors: Aspire to be the best you can be. If you don't trust your own
proofreading, well, for goodness' sake, just email Celeste and she'll loan out
one of her bitches. :-) At least give it a honest effort. Trust me, the
reader can tell. Most of the time.
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 4
LeAnna (appeal to reviewer): 2
"Voodoo" (mc, Mdom, MF, FF) by mc_writer (mc_writer@hotmail.com). Reviewed by
Baird Allen (thebear@io.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287692 1-4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287687 5-8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287679 9-11
"Voodoo" tells the story of a man, displeased with his wife's frequent
"headaches" and minimal sexual responsiveness, who consults a Voodoo
practitioner and arranges to have his wife's passions aroused and her loyalty
assured. In fact, the treatment turns her into his sexual slave, obedient to
his every word so long as he possesses the amulet that controls her.
If that were the sum total of this story's plot, it would be no different from
any other mind control story that you might find on any casual skim through
a.s.s. This one is different, however, in its unexpected affirmation of the
value of free will. How is that difference achieved? Sorry, I can't tell you
that without ruining the plot. The summary above barely skims the surface. I
recommend that you read the story yourself.
Now, a word about the meaning of the numbers at the end of this review: An
email correspondent recently accused me of going soft and giving out too many
10-10-10 reviews. There may be some truth to this, but if so it is only my
attempt to make the ratings on reviews that I write equivalent to the ratings
on reviews written by Celeste herself. Perhaps a 10-10-10 once meant that a
story was exemplary in every way, a jewel among lesser gems; but it is my
perception that it has come to be awarded to stories that do not necessarily
stand out above the crowd of *good* stories, but rather have nothing wrong
with them to justify downgrading them below 10s. I do not want any writer to
suffer for being reviewed by me rather than by Celeste, so a story that has
nothing technically wrong will get a 10 on Athena and a story that has
adequate plot and characters will get a 10 on Venus. The Bear score remains my
own, but if a story pleases me I will tend to rate it highly, perhaps higher
than I would have in the past.
"Voodoo" is a perfect example of what I mean. The writer uses the English
language competently, with no jarring typos or glaring grammatical errors to
jolt the reader out of the story. That gets a 10 on Athena. The plot advances,
twists, and turns, with nothing to disrupt the willing suspension of disbelief
by the reader. The characters are not drawn as exquisitely as those of some of
my favorite mainstream authors, but they are not mere cardboard cutouts
either. So, a 10 on Venus. I liked the story, especially when it turned or
twisted in some way not in accord with the expected formula. OK, a 10 on the
Bear rating as well.
This is a good story, well-written. I suggest that you read it, even if you
ordinarily skip over stories of mind control and magic.
Ratings for "Voodoo":
Athena (technical merit): 10
Venus (plot and character): 10
Bear (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Kat" by Mocha Man. Reviewed by A.M. McStuff, who may be reached at
assmastermcstuff@hotmail.com.
http://x2.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=371055001.1&CONTEXT=902264879.637075771&hi
tnum=3
Summary -- The narrator is a happily married man whose wife's libido is
mysteriously on the rise. He discovers the source: she's "bumping uglies"
night after night at a club called "Ladies Choice." He visits said club, lays
a woman to whom he is not married, and after a bit of confusion everyone is
happy and well-sexed.
The writer of this story wants you to like him. I just know it. Picture Tim
Meadows of Saturday Night Live, or Don Cheadle of "Boogie Nights" playing the
porn-star-with-the-heart-of-gold who really just want to be the proprietor of
his own stereo shop. The narrator is an affable and loving man. Easy to get
along with, hard to hold a grudge against.
But read the first line of the story:
"I am one of those men who considered a workaholic." Let's not even quibble
with passive voice, a trap often fallen into by this author. Ahem. Where is
the "is?"
Mocha Man begins the story in the present tense; I find this adds an enticing
patina of immediacy to the events a la Scott Turow's "Presumed Innocent."
Present tense is not to everyone's taste, but that's okay -- if you don't like
it, stick around! The story shifts between present and past tense several
times in the first page alone. Even within the same sentence. I threw the
printout across the room more than once in frustration.
...But I did pick it up again. There's a sexy story hiding here, written by a
clever, decent person who's too lazy to edit. That's more than can be said for
most of the stories on ASSM. Mocha Man is capable of capturing precisely the
emotions experienced by his characters. Listen to the mental whirlwind of the
narrator when he discovers that the woman he's been watching screw another man
turns out to be his wife, the eponymous Kat:
"Man I didn't know what to think. fourteen million things were running through
my mind. Mad, insane, divorce, that was great sex, Theresa was awesome, I love
Kat, I wonder if the Nicks were going to make it to the playoffs, I like
titties."
That's first class writing. Perceptive and funny. So ignore Mocha Man when he
asks you in a post script "Please excuse all typos. I am not the best writer."
Given the proper editing this story could shine.
Let us emphasize a golden rule for ASSM (or any other writing venue): Authors
should never submit a first draft for review.
Period.
Ratings for :Kat"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Portfolio Update" by Jeff Justice. Guest review by Dave Myers.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=366844478
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=375043459
This author has talent, let me say that up front. He also has an eye for
details and for what is sexy. Perhaps the most interesting thing about this
work is its ability to highlight the small touches without seeming clinical.
With elements like narrating through a sequence when characters are
downloading porno pics from the net, or the anxiety over going condomless with
a very fertile woman, the author maintains credibility where many others have
stumbled before.
Synopsis: A woman from work asks for a man's help on a photo shoot.
It's a simple enough idea that flies well, for the most part. The author drops
into a few photo shoot cliches here and there, but not too destructively.
There are, of course, some improvements that can be made to the story. The
header indicates that this is a "grammar-revised" version. Well, it still
needs MORE revision in that respect. There were at least half a dozen spelling
and grammar errors I counted in the first half of the story, which is about
where I stopped counting. The intergenerational aspect of the plot is
unnecessary. It may have originally been intended to lead somewhere bigger,
but "as is", it's just distracting and adds too much of a "dirty-old-man" air
to the flavor.
Rating: 8.5
"Intro to Your Seduction" by El Sol (munster@eden.rutgers.edu). Guest reviewed
by Poison Ivan (poisoniv1@hotmail.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13323.txt
---
http://x1.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374582580
The sub-title on this story is "An instructional on your seduction." And you
know, I think that's as good a description of this story as you will likely
find. We have a guy who decides he wants to seduce a woman. Over the
following weeks, he explains how he "innocently" manipulates her until they
finally end up naked together on the couch. The instructional explains how he
befriends her, how he gives her backrubs, and how they go to the movies. But
most of all, we are taught the importance of patience. This guy takes a long
time before he ends up in the heroine's pants.
I thought the story moved a little slow in places, and the instructional tone
almost wore out its welcome. But it was a fascinating way to tell a story,
and one that I had not read before. I would classify this story as a mostly
successful experiment, and one the author should be proud of.
Ratings for "Intro to Your Seduction"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Ivan (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Kind Men Like" by Q. Daphne A. (strip-qda@mindless.com). Guest review by
JJMoneyBoy.
Q Daphne A has quickly become one of my favorite authors, this being the 5th
story that I've read. This one adds the element of science fiction, and quite
nicely.
A young woman finds herself used as a "model" for a sex machine/toy. She is
stunned to find a "model" in her apartment one night. That reality gives way
to an even stranger ending, as they quickly become, ummmm .... more than just
friends.
It was a story that had me scrolling as quickly as I could devour the words.
I'll admit that I'm not sure I find myself looking with too much eagerness
toward the future, but, on the other hand .....
Daphne's description of the heroine is exquisite. The details of the
futuristic times are elaborate and convincing. The conversation with the
"machine" is both clever and funny.
Oh geeez, I just had a thought. Daphne, did you slip Monica one of those power
packs?? Does Ken Starr know about this?? It might just be enough to get our
boy Bill off the hook.
One more thing, Daphne ..... you forgot to include instructions on how to
order a catalogue. Please make sure to get me the number before you give it
out to your adoring public. After all, the "Kellys" are the kind men like!!!!!
Ratings for "The Kind Men Like"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
JJMoneyBoy (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Zipless Fuck" by Doug (parapuke repost).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=378068113
A zipless fuck occurs when the fucker doesn't know the fuckee, there is no
meaningless chatter, and there is no playing games. The two people see each
other, they are attracted to each other, and they fuck each other. In the
quintessential zipless fuck the participants don't even speak to each other.
They may never even see one another again, but it doesn't matter, because they
both got what they wanted. A zipless fuck is extremely romantic in an
unromantic sort of way.
This is a story of a zipless fuck. Having defined it, what else can I say?
It's pretty hot stuff.
I myself have never done a zipless fuck. However, I have been a participant in
numerous ultra-zipless fucks. A UZF is everything that a ZF is, with the
addition that not only do we UZFers not know each other or talk about it, we
don't even actually do it. For that matter, my partner often doesn't even know
I am having a UZF with him/her/them. I just plan it and work out the details
in my perverted little mind. Think about it! Gotcha! You may have just been
the victim of a UZF!
Ratings for "Zipless Fuck"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Ripe" by Bronwen (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380904989
I was once in a graduate course where, for some reason, the professor showed
on the big screen a picture of a woman with really large breasts. I think the
purpose was to demonstrate the impact of distractions on meaningful
information. The professor asked us to summarize the contents of what we had
seen and, of course, none of us could do this, because we were all overwhelmed
with the thought of those magnificent tits or related events. However, as
soon as he asked the question, one lady shot her hand up, and said, "The whole
thing reminded me of the value of motherhood." She was serious, but the rest
of us howled with laughter.
So in this story we have a women who is obscenely large, cradled like a peach
in packaging, a pillow between her thighs, another under her belly, three
supporting her head and shoulders, a melted pack of peas between the soles of
her feet, sweating bullets in the hottest summer of hot summers, and yet she
is beautiful. Maybe you have to have been there - or gotten somebody there;
but pregnant sex can be beautiful, even in Great Britain.
This is a very nice, romantic, sexy story.
Ratings for "Ripe"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Maria in Maine" by Mike Hunt (M1KE HUNT@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380892041
When he and his wife started on a nice trip, the only thing he did NOT want to
do was drive 7 hours out of his way to let his wife visit her old college
roommate Maria in upstate Maine. Why's that? Well, in some old pictures he
had seen Maria was about 40 pounds overweight, had bad hair, and didn't shave
her underarms. Still, June had roomed with Maria for two years at Penn State,
and they got along super. And besides, June did give great head under the
table (among other places - see earlier reviews) and so a side trip to Maine
was in order.
Well, time has been good to Maria. As the evening wanes, however, Maria feels
bad. She and June have been reminiscing and telling sorority stories and Mike
Hunt has been totally bored. What can they do to include him? What, indeed!
Surprise! They talk about everything from politics to religion to movies to
Mike's own college days.
Much later June mentions how they always used to talk about how they slept
with the same guys. Just not at the same time. Until now.
The threeway develops really nicely. They don't just jump into bed together -
well, they do, but.... You had better read the story yourself. It's a good
one!
Ratings "Maria in Maine"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Good Sport" by Plainman (an701930@anon.penet.fi).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380898049
This "story" consists of 18 brief "paragraphs." No paragraph is more than
five lines long, and some are as short as five words. The story describes the
meeting, flirtation, and eventual sexual activity between a man and a woman.
The story leaves almost everything to the imagination; but the short passages
did a very good job of stimulating this reader's libidinous fantasy.
Ratings for "Good Sport"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"You Always Sleep with Your Hairdresser - Don't You?" by Sven the Elder.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=220096085
The guy is new in the neighborhood. While he's out working in the yard, one
of the more established ladies of the neighborhood assumes he is the gardener
and asks for his rates. When he states a low wage, she asks for his card; and
he decides to get her off his back by stating that he expects perks as well.
"Oh I'm sure we could come to some arrangements," she says; "I mean I could
supply plenty of refreshments and a midday meal as well." "Ah yes," the man
replies, "But I gets to sleep with the mistress of the house as well."
The exact route by which the narrator gets from there to an emboinkment with
the hairdresser is better explained by the author than by a humble critic like
myself. For that matter, this guy would probably claim to sleep with the
literary critic as well, if he thought it would do him any good!
Ratings for "You always sleep with your hairdresser"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Better To..." by M.M. Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380873838
This is a bizarre story; but possibly not as bizarre as this review. First,
let me point out that the author says that this story was inspired by Sarah
Fox Jahn's "Little Red Riding Hood," which was itself inspired by the fairy
tale of that same name published by the French poet and critic Charles
Perrault in 1697.
As you probably assume, I do extensive research for each of these reviews.
Let me tell you what I have learned from my on-line encyclopedia about fairy
tales. The ordinary fairy tale works with polarities - good and bad, beautiful
and ugly - and tells of the wondrous adventures of a heroes or heroines who,
after a series of struggles with supernatural forces, attain their wish and
live happily ever after. The protagonists are almost always royal or of royal
descent. That's the ORDINARY fairy tale. My encyclopedia goes on to tell me,
however, that such stories as Little Red Riding Hood and Jack the Giant Killer
differ in two important respects. First, their protagonists are often
ordinary people. Second, in addition to entertaining, most of these stories
teach some fairly hard lessons about the ways of the world. My encyclopedia
says this about Perrault's work (which includes "Red"): "What makes {his
stories} a children's book is really only his effort to keep the tales short.
Otherwise, their wit and sophistication imply--for later readers, at
least--adult listeners...." The present author's modern rendition, I suppose,
emphasizes that adult element.
On another note, I have seen authors use many terms to describe the lower
regions of the female anatomy - honey pot, love muffin, cumbucket, bearded
clam, beaver, furry hoop, unplowed garden, hairy taco, love tunnel, pleasure
pouch, shaven haven, rumpleteaser, and whicker biscuit, to name just a few;
but I cannot remember ever before reading about pudendal fleece caressing
anyone's cheek.
Half the time I couldn't figure out what was happening as I read this story;
but when I did figure it out, I had an "Oh, yeah!" reaction that was
delightful. Like most normal readers who are at least vaguely aware of the
fairy tale, I often tried to get ahead of the author by guessing what would
happen next; and then I would tell myself that the author had blown it and had
gotten away from the parallel to the original story, only to find a sudden
return to the original plot with another interesting twist. I love it when
authors do this to me.
I'm not going to tell you much about the story. Find it and read it yourself.
I am also going to repost my review of Sarah Jahn's story. Maybe she'll repost
her story for us.
Ratings for "The Better To..."
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Little Red Riding Hood" by Sarah Jahn (sfjahn@ix.netcom.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=213557659
I enjoy sex stories based on fairy tales, because I usually know the basic
plot and I enjoy waiting to see how the perverted author will debase and
enrich the original story line. In this case, the wolf is a lusty lady who
could just eat Little Red all up. That's all you need to know; you can either
fill in the details yourself or read the story. I vaguely remember a
woodcutter or plumber or someone who showed up to rescue Little Red at the end
of the original story; I guess that's the part that this author changed. I
really enjoyed this cute little story. One anomaly: fairy tales usually have
a moral, but this story does not. I suppose that's because authors for this
newsgroup don't have any morals. <g>
Ratings for "Little Red Riding Hood
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Father Dowling: I Am Heartily Sorry" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382436480
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382436502
I have never watched an entire episode of "Father Dowling." I may be wrong,
but I had the impression that it had something to do with a priest and nun
working together to solve crimes; but this story has no detective work in it.
Since I know so little, I won't try to comment any further than that on how
well this story works as a parody.
The story focuses on Father Prestwick, who is hearing confessions. Most of
the penitents are old ladies and children, whose "sins" are boring; but then
in comes Mrs. Klimaszewski, the woman in her early 30's who wears no bra and
whose husband is out of town and who confesses her sins of masturbating and
getting it on with the newspaper boy. Since that session has already turned
him on, Father feels predisposed to prod <g> a little when Sister Stephanie
comes in to confess her sins; and pretty soon Sister Steve has another sin -
or several sins, depending on how you count - to confess the next time she
drops by the confessional.
I honestly believe that Catholic priests have gotten a bad rap in recent
years. I think they are every bit as upright and virtuous, although certainly
not as intelligent, as English teachers; and I really don't think they are any
more likely to behave unprofessionally than other people who work closely with
people. I really doubt that the sort of thing described in this story happens
very often. But it sure makes a good story!
Ratings for "Father Dowling"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Goodnight Kiss" by Summer's Rose (sumersrose@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380898051
The man is very tired and needs to fall asleep, but his lover is in a playful
mood. She tells him to just go ahead and fall asleep while she fondles and
makes love to him, but he somehow becomes aroused and turns the tables on her.
What a nice idea!
Ratings for "The Goodnight Kiss"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Lunchtime Vignette" by Rajah Dodger (rdodger@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380892033
Are there really guys in the world that would show up for a lunchtime
appointment with a woman who is going to essentially torture them and send
them back to work? I was going to further ask whether there are woman who
would actually enjoy doing this, but I know the answer to the second question
is yes. However, they are not very nice women.
Ratings for "Lunchtime Vignette"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Bulls' by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=378061695
This story is set in the context of two guys having a desultory conversation
in a bar, with one of them bragging about his sexual exploits with a
nymphomaniac he had fucked recently. That element of realism makes the plot
of the sexual escapades hard to follow, but no harder than when we have a
similar conversation of our own in a bar or library - depending on our level
of sophistication, I guess. This was a nice quickie.
Ratings for "Bulls"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Marissa's Promise" by Jonathan Dzoba (jondz@ix.netcom.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382436484
Marissa and Jonathan were teenage lovers. When Jonathan had to go away for
two weeks, the two of them promised that neither would masturbate during the
hiatus; that way they would be like matchbooks ready to explode when they
finally got back together. To understand the magnitude of this promise, you
have to realize that this period of abstinence followed a prolonged period of
what football players call three-a-days: first kissing and teasing, then oral
satisfaction (first him, then her), and finally lovemaking. How would you
keep this kind of promise? You could try gardening, playing scrabble with
your mother, writing letters to your boyfriend, studying school subjects more
assiduously than usual, or hanging out with your old girlfriend. Would
passion dwindle over time? Would your interests become diverted? You'll have
to read the story to find out.
I commend the author for showing restraint; the story involves none of the
wham-bam climax stuff that an author would be tempted to work into this plot.
It would have been easy for Julie to eat Marissa's pussy and bring her to a
fabulous climax and for them to rationalize that this wasn't really breaking
the deal - she would not actually have masturbated, and nobody had included
sex with other members of the same gender as part of the bargain.
I liked this story, but there's something lacking in it. The author has tried
to be realistic; and I think the flaw is that he has been *too* realistic.
The story reads like an actual description of something that really happened.
Objective accuracy is important in anthropological studies, in police reports,
and in biographies of non-politicians; but fiction writers are allowed to have
a climax and denouement in their stories. I got the feeling that this author
wanted to avoid a really insipid or simplistic ending, went out of his way to
make the story seem realistic, and then couldn't think of a way to end it; and
so he just stopped writing.
Don't get me wrong. This is still a pretty good story. It has a lot of
excellent sexual tension in it, and you may be more satisfied than I was with
the level of realism and the ending.
Speaking of realism, the real answer to the question of what to do during
separations like the one in this story lies in two words: telephone sex. I've
had some great fun when my husband has "reached out and touched me" late at
night with Ma Bell's help or when I have done the same for him. "No fair!"
you say. The plot requires that we be separated and incommunicado for two
weeks. In that case, my advice is don't make deals like this. Such promises
are good for fiction, but not for real life. Read alt.sex.stories and
masturbate all you want for the first twelve days of his absence. Encourage
him to do the same. Think of each other while you do it, and plan just how
you're going to make each other happy. Purchase the blindfolds and the
whipped cream. Abstain for the final two days. The explosive impact upon
reunion will be as good as if you abstained for the entire two weeks, and
you'll be spared all the frustration and temptation. Trust me. An angel
appeared to me in my sleep and revealed this strategy to me.
Ratings for "Marissa's Promise"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
<end>
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