Celestial Reviews 296 - July 25, 1998
Note: A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry
sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a
previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a
greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ahh, yes
that's what I'll have: meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
"Unbelievable," the owner says to himself, as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just
happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him
a menu again.
"Sir, remember? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take
the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time
the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary,
rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and
sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you; and I already have the fork
ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff
and says, "Hey! I didn't know Mary worked here!"
Second note: There once was a little blonde girl who wore a dress to school
every day and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her
school decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and
offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the
schoolyard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the jelly
beans.
That day she came running home and yelled to her mom, "Mommy! Mommy! Today the
boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!"
The mother shook her head and replied "Oh no! They just did that so they could
see up your dress and see your panties! I don't want you to ever do this
again!"
So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flag pole.
She did; they gave her the jelly beans; and she ran home again and said to her
mother, "Mommy! Look! Today the gave me 100 jelly beans for climbing the
flagpole!"
The mother got upset and told her, "They just did that so they could see your
panties! Listen to me! I don't want you to ever let this happen again!"
So the next day the boys offered her 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole.
She did without haste and ran home again and shouted with a wide smile on her
face, "Mommy! Look! I got 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole today!"
The mother said "What have I been telling you the past couple days?! They're
just doing that to see your panties!"
The little girl replied, still smiling widely: "I know! I know! But this time
I tricked them! I didn't wear any!"
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
=====================
Celestial Reviews:
=====================
"The Wild Hare" by Will Blake (voyeurism & exhibitionism)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13273.txt
"Toys" by Sista Shakespeare (sex toys) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12881.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370017290
"Janey's June" by Janey (quickie in a non-sex bookshop)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13273.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373877144
"It worked" by Rav99 (doggie threesome) 1, 1, 1
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374067331
"Schoolgirl Rape" by OziJock (schoolgirl rape) 4, 2, 2
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13195.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373254350
"Surprise Visit" by G.M. Torrey (rape & murder) 8, 4, 4
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13267.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373877116
"Louie and Ser" by Rock Hancock (interspecies sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13258.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373606484
"Rampant" by Uther Pendragon (historical romance) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369771028
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370092228
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370456042
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370656430
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370903265
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=371236054
"After the Party" by Imma Scared (rape) 2, 2, 2
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13351.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374587575
"Body, Mind & Soul" SinopeRN (short poem)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12869.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369683945
"A Wake Up Call" by Picikles (wasted story) 1, 1, 1
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373233717
"Pump Song" by Mat Twassel (wholesome family sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12882.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370017294
"Collection" by LeAnna (holy fuck!) 9, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12031.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=361194702
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Miranda" by Mush (bedding the maidservant). Myers: 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=350558168
"Cheenagurl" by Sista Shakespeare (self-reflection).
Plainman: 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373866758
"Once Upon a Time" by Jefferson James (rape): Sven: {very bad}
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13285.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373883098
"Housewarming Party" By marky (marky92@hotmail.com)
(Three's Company) BitBard: 6, 7, 6
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13213.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373592000
=====================
Reposted Reviews:
=====================
* "He Doesn't (Love Her Like I Do)" by Uther Pendragon
(emerging adolescence) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374716287
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374716282
* "Beneath the Bridge" by Brother Cadfael (risky quickie) 9, 9, 9
=====================
On this day in Celestial History
Celestial Reviews 103 - July 27, 1996
=====================
* "Discovery" by Michael K. Smith (romance) 10, 10, 10
(Celeste's #2, July 1996)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=237568658
=====================
The Reviews:
=====================
"The Wild Hare" by Will Blake (willblake@yahoo.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13273.txt
This story is a solicitation. The author is a mature, educated male searching
for intelligent female to trade stories and ideas for stories. You can write
to him at his address. If you are a naughty naked cheerleader eager for
buckets of cum, you can probably just go ahead and send him your picture.
As I started to read this story, I figured this author was an eleven-year-old
boy trying to make it big with the ladies. Well, if my hunch was right, this
is one heckuva bright prepubescent kid. It would be worthwhile to keep this
kid around and wait for him to grow up!
The story nicely combines outdoor sex with exhibitionism and voyeurism. The
author even throws in a blindfold, so that the husband can't see the wild hare
with the camera who is making eye contact with his wife while he joins the
husband in a simultaneous climax.
Ratings for "The Wild Hare"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
"Toys" by Sista Shakespeare (sista_shakespeare@my-dejanews.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12881.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370017290
This story has several annoying grammatical glitches; but the style is so
overwhelming interesting that I found myself ignoring the mistakes and simply
enjoying the story. It takes a pretty good story to do that to a veteran
English teacher. As I got further into the story, I realized that the
apparent glitches were actually a fairly successful attempt at dialect.
The narrator's lover has bought her a new sex toy, which he plans to try out
on her in a public place. We then lapse into a series of flashbacks where we
hear about this couple's previous kinky escapades. The alphabet soup on the
title line contained the word "odd," but it's odd in a delightful way -
uniquely sexy.
I won't tell you any more about it, but I suggest you take a look at this
unusual story.
Ratings for "Toys"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
"Janey's June" by Janey (Janey98@hotmail.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13273.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373877144
And now for something completely different - different for Janey, that is.
As you may have noticed, Janey experiments not only with her plots but also
with her style. After her first two or so stories, she has tried to write in
a different style in each subsequent story. I still like her original -
spontaneously sexy - style the best; but this one was amazing in its own way.
Janey's June installment comes to us through the eyes of a bookseller. We
never do find out how old he is or many other details about him. What we do
know is that he is a decent guy who has admired Janey from afar. And so when
she expresses a need to be consoled, he consoles her; and when she expresses a
need to make love to him, he acquiesces.
Had I not known that this was Janey's story, I would never have guessed the
authorship. This is another excellent story.
Ratings for "Janey's June"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
"It worked" by Rav99 (Rav99@webtv.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374067331
Whenever I give 10-10-10 ratings to several stories in a row, I suspect that I
might have "gone soft." I begin to cruise the newsgroup postings, looking for
stories that are not likely to be all that good - just to make sure that I can
still recognize a bad story when I see one. Sometimes this gets to be very
"frustrating," because stories that look like sure losers turn out to be
winners after all.
This one is about a guy who is fucking his girlfriend, when her dog joins in
to form a threesome. I don't know whether this is at all probable - I assume
it is possible - but the story really sucks. It is so illiterate that I began
to suspect that it was written by a person for whom English is his second or
third language - to be learned at some time still in the future.
Then it occurred to me! I rechecked the story, and there was nothing to rule
out my revised interpretation: the narrator (and author) is a second dog! The
story makes a lot more sense if we picture the "girlfriend" being shagged by
two dogs. My insight would also explain the grammar and spelling errors, since
only a very bright dog would be able to use a word processor at all. The
author's IQ converted to DIQ {pronounced dee eye cue (for doggie intelligence
quotient), not dick} would be something like 350. I suspect that the author's
name (listed as Rav99) is really Rover69.
Don't let anything I said here convince you that this story is worth reading.
In fact, this story was so bad that I feel obligated to tell you a story of my
own to compensate for this review. It is slightly adapted from Aesop's
Fables.
The horse and rabbit were very good friends and spent a lot of time together -
playing tag, follow the leader, and hide and seek. One fine day they were out
playing in the farmer's field, when all of a sudden the rabbit heard the horse
yelling, " RABBIT, RABBIT! (that's what Horse called him) COME QUICK! I HAVE
FALLEN IN THIS MUD PIT AND CAN"T GET OUT!"
Rabbit shouted that he would run to the farmer's house, get the farmer, and be
back in a flash. When the rabbit arrived at the farmer's house, however, he
looked all over for the farmer. Not being able to find him, he wondered what
he should do. Being a resourceful creature, the rabbit spotted the farmer's
Porsche beside the house and quickly jumped in and drove out to the mud pit.
He said, "Horse (that's what the rabbit called him), the farmer is not home;
but I have some rope, and I have his Porsche. Grab onto the end of this rope."
The horse took the rope, and the rabbit tied the other end onto the Porsche
and pulled the horse out of the mud pit. Then they continued frolicking
merrily in the field for the rest of the day.
The very next day the horse and the rabbit were again out playing in the
field. This time it was the rabbit who fell in the mud pit and was yelling to
his friend, "HORSE (that's what rabbit called him) HORSE, COME QUICK! I HAVE
FALLEN IN THE MUD PIT AND CAN'T GET OUT!"
{Can you guess the moral of the story yet?}
The horse came over and had a look. The rabbit said, " Go get the farmer to
help me out." Being almost as resourceful as the rabbit, the horse looked down
at the rabbit and shook his head: "Rabbit," he said; "I don't think we will
need the farmer's help".
With that, the horse straddled the pit and carefully inched his way across.
When he was right above rabbit, he said, "Rabbit, grab onto my penis, and I
will pull you out." The rabbit grabbed on, and the horse pulled him safely out
of the mud pit. They continued to play all day long.
Now, what do you suppose the moral of this story would be?
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche!
Ratings for "It Worked"
Athena (technical quality): 1
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
=====================
"Schoolgirl Rape" by OziJock (possibly not his real name).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13195.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373254350
The triple-10 streak is definitely broken. This is one of those interracial
stories - written with a hidden agenda, I presume, to promote harmony between
blacks and whites - or maybe not. The protagonist is your typical black
denizen of a.s.s. - an illiterate man on welfare with a 10-inch dong, on the
prowl for some white ass. His target this time is a 14-year-old white girl
who lives in a nice house with parents who pay taxes and who works out at the
skating rink at which the welfare department has forced our hero to work.
The man is on a mission: to fuck white ass and make black babies "to swell the
ranks of us niggers."
He follows her home; and after he checks "the lie of the land around the
house," he makes his move. He applies principles of leverage {possibly taught
to him by Ole Massa down at the plantation school} to cleverly open the window
and slip into the girl's house, where he accosts her and her two equally
nubile sisters. "I tols ya to make no sound but ya still hav ta do it don ya?"
This guy's obviously not from Jamaica.
He binds two of the girls with duct tape, which is unusual, since most people
in stories of this caliber use duck tape.
We also get a lesson in sociology. Although all three white girls are
virgins, "most black girls I knew of by the time they were sixteen had already
carried two or three black babies in their bellies and some were even up to
their fifth." And we gotta support all those pickininny bastards on our
welfare roles!
I suspect this story wasn't really written by a black man at all. My clue?
The rapist slurps beer while he repeatedly rapes the little girls. In
reality, everybody knows that black studs guzzle malt liquor while they do the
deed.
I suppose somewhere in this wonderful world there's a story written by a
nigger-hating racist that actually makes sense. This one is not that story.
Ratings for "Schoolgirl Rape"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 2
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
=====================
"Surprise Visit" by G.M. Torrey
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13267.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373877116
I sent this story to a guest reviewer, who declined with this comment: "It's a
miserable, badly written pile of shit written by someone whose head I'm
grateful I don't live inside. It's full of the sadism I see too often on ASS.
The author says, 'I think you will find it different from the usual sex story
on the group.'
"Sadly not. Like so many snuff and torture stories it doesn't appear to have
been properly coded. This reviewer read it - but can find no reason whatsoever
to recommend anyone else bothers to do so.
"Thing is, it doesn't seem fair to read it once, think "Yuck. Double yuck" and
just say so. I haven't the time to be fair, and to pinpoint with care exactly
what doesn't work for me."
Actually it wasn't as bad as all that. Much of what my guest reviewer said
was an overstatement. What the author is trying to do in this story is show
us the mind of a deranged pervert who has committed the perfect crime. I
think the author's problem is that he doesn't really understand deranged
perverts as well as he thinks - or he just doesn't express it as well as he
thinks it in his own mind.
Ratings for "Surprise Visit"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
=====================
"Louie and Ser" by Rock Hancock (EMS@srkesspo.wpo.state.ks.us).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13258.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373606484
Each year in the middle of January there is a Sunday on which Americans gather
for Super Bowl parties. If you read the a.s.s. stories that most often
mention that Occasion, you would be likely to conclude that the main purpose
of that Occasion is for virtuous wives to turn into super sluts by giving
their hot bodies to their husbands' friends while they guys watch a
championship football game. This would be an incorrect conclusion. In truth,
the main reason Americans gather for Super Bowl parties is to watch the
unveiling of a new batch of television commercials for major products.
For the past couple of years the most noteworthy commercial introduced at this
time (aside from the one with Michael Jordan and Larry Bird playing "horse"
across an expressway) has been the annual update of the Budweiser Beer
commercial. It's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't seen it; but it
all started with three frogs making their rib-it sounds. Suddenly they depart
from their customary rib-its, and one goes "Bud," the next goes "Why," and the
third says "Sir" - Bud - why -sir - Budweiser! This causes millions of
Americans to regard Coors as warmed-over piss and to run out and buy vast
quantities of Budweiser Beer. After the first commercial in this series was
introduced during the Super Bowl several years ago, it continued to appear
with minor variations until the next year's Super Bowl; and at that time a new
mutation appeared.
As time has passed, the frogs have evolved. I'll skip the intermediate steps;
but this year the frogs gave way to lizards - iguanas, I suppose. I think one
of the lizards has homicidal tendencies; but since I am reviewing a sex story,
I'll ignore that aspect. The point is that in this story, Ser is the frog who
utters the last syllable of the frog version of Budweiser. Louie, one of the
iguanas, is smitten by Ser; and he approaches her with romantic overtures. To
find out more, you'll have to read the story.
This is NOT really great stroke material. However, since it has no
debilitating impact on the senses, there is a good chance that reading this
story before making love will have a more amorous impact than sharing a
12-pack of Butt Light - er, Bud Light - ooops - I see another story in the
wings....
Incidentally, this story reminds me of another, much shorter, entirely
different story:
A knight who had been turned into a frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and
was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
everything about you."
The frog said, "This is great! Will I meet her tonight at the party at the
village inn?"
"No," replied the psychic. "Next semester. In her biology class."
Ratings for "Louie and Ser"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
"Rampant" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369771028
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370092228
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370456042
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370656430
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370903265
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=371236054
Those of us who are imbued with the spirit of romantic love often forget that
the notion of a woman falling in love and marrying the man of her dreams is a
modern innovation. We are reminded of that fact in this historical short
story, in which Elizabeth is assigned in marriage at the age of sixteen to the
son of a neighboring nobleman. The story explores Elizabeth's thoughts and
feelings as she goes through her sexual awakening in the thirteenth century.
The author seems to know his history, and so I am going to assume that the
events are historically plausible. {Heck, I'm even going to assume that I
learned some history while reading this story!} Elizabeth is a naive virgin
on the night of her wedding, and her husband is a kind and gentle lover. The
six chapters of this story describe the beginnings of their life together,
with a heavy emphasis on their growth in sexual intimacy.
Authors rarely explain their titles. That would ruin their mystique. The
title word appears only twice in the story, both time in the phrase, "Argent,
second quarter griffin rampant, gules." These are terms from heraldry. They
summarize as concisely as possible the symbols emblazoned on a knight's
shield. By reading this label, an observer could classify a knight as friend
or foe and even narrow him down to a specific family. The term "rampant"
refers to an animal pictured on the shield as standing erect on one hind leg.
I'll let you figure out the significance of the title, if you wish to do so.
If you have followed the work of this author, you know that his previous
masterwork is a series about Bob and Jeanette Brennan. If you are familiar
with that story, you'll see some similarities to this one. All the stories in
the Brennan saga can be identified by the letters f-o-r at the beginning of
their titles. Let me go on record right now as predicting that the Elizabeth
and Karl series will include three more stories, entitled "Passant,"
"Couchant," and "Dormant." Don't ask me how I know - it's part of my
mystique.
Ratings "Rampant"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
"After the Party" by Imma Scared (rape@my-dejanews.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13351.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374587575
Near the beginning of the story we find this tidbit: " As roomates, Melanie
and I truly were a real life odd-couple. It wasn't that one of us was a sob
and the other a near freak." That's supposed to be "slob" and neat." And
it's downhill from there. A guy named Snake rapes her, but she really loves
the pain and humiliation.
Or maybe it's a peon - not pain - that she loves. You can never tell for sure
what's going on in these stories where people who can't spell run their
spellchecks instead of proofreading their sorties - er, shorties - er,
stories.
Ratings "After the Party"
Athena (technical quality): 2
Venus (plot & character): 2
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
=====================
"Body, Mind & Soul" SinopeRN (sinopern@aol.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12869.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369683945
This is a very tender poem. If I say more, my review will be longer than the
poem.
Ratings for "Body, Mind & Soul" {Nor appropriate}
=====================
"A Wake Up Call" by Picikles (picikles@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373233717
In reading instruction there is a technique called the cloze procedure. A
teacher using this technique presents to a child a story in which words have
been omitted according to some pattern (for example, every sixth word). By
reading the passage and inserting the proper words, the child demonstrates or
develops her reading comprehension skills.
This story uses the cloze procedure. It omits a word from the end of each.
It's really nothing but a pain in the.
Ratings "A Wake Up Call"
Athena (technical quality): 1
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
=====================
"Pump Song" by Mat Twassel (Mmtwassel@aol.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12882.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370017294
While I read a story, I usually form a vague idea about what I'll say in my
review. Imagine my surprise when I finished this story and discovered that
Mat had essentially written his own review in an epilogue. I quote in part:
"Pump Song is a story about sex and love and family. I am
tempted to make a joke: It is about parents having sex with
their child. But there is no incest in "Pump Song" and
there is no kiddie sex. The parents have sex with each
other on the porch swing of their country home while
listening to the bedsqueaks of their daughter (twenty-
something) while she is making love to her husband in their
bedroom above the porch.
The story also contains a number of younger characters:
children whose ages range from under three to about eleven.
The activities and behaviors of these children (in my
estimation and experience) are typical of typical children--
this is not a kiddie sex story. However, to those of you
who are squeamish about sex stories in which children
appear, I'd rather you pass up this story than risk feeling
bad.
I think this is a happy story. It makes me feel good. I
also think it's a sexy story, but I'd be surprised if many
readers will find it a sexually arousing story. "
Hmmm.... I DID find it to be arousing. Not the part about the kids growing
up, but the part about the older people making love in sequenization with the
younger people upstairs.
Ratings "Pump Song"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
"Collection" by LeAnna.
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12031.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=361194702
This is more of a humorous anecdote than an actual sex story. That's not to
say that it's BAD. After all, most of us would appreciate a humorous anecdote
or two when we go to our place of worship <wink>.
The basic idea is that the hustler gets hustled in church, but you'll never
guess how.
Ratings "Collection"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
=====================
"Miranda" by Mush (anonys@mailcity.com). Guest review by Dave Myers.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=350558168
This story has a sort of Elizabethan/Victorian British thing going on,
although the setting seems may have been intended to be a slave plantation
rather than a mansion of high English society. The language is purposefully a
little stodgy, and the author walks the line between depicting the language as
funny and using the stiltedness to his advantage in creating an environment
for the characters. It works pretty well, and the result is something quite a
bit baudier than "Emma".
Synopsis: A master of the house beds his maidservant.
While the scenes are rendered nicely, but there is so little motivation in the
story. It is unclear why the master is so drawn to this maid, except for the
fact that she's a nasty little tart. Well, I could have used another couple
paragraphs to understand the interaction between these two a little better.
Also, there is an entire character (the maid's mother) who appears to have no
purpose after having been briefly mentioned in a foreshadowing sort of way.
Perhaps I have missed a previous installment that fleshed out this character
in more detail, but I don't think so. This is just distracting.
Still, these are minor details. The ending is a funny twist, and the story
avoids most of the expectable stock cliches for a maidservant story.
Rating: 8
=====================
"Cheenagurl" by Sista Shakespeare (sista_shakespeare@my-dejanews.com).
Reviewed by Plainman (an10176@anon.nymserver.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373866758
This is one of several recent stories by a new writer on ASS\M who has become
an instant favorite of mine. Sista Shakespeare's literary persona is (as best
I can tell) a Malaysian woman of Chinese descent. The exotic character of her
narrative voice (exotic at least for a North American reader) is effectively
highlighted by her interjection of what I think are Malay words and phrases in
her stories, especially at moments of special passion. Sometimes she glosses
these words and phrases explicitly or by context (our heroine's "puki" seems
often to moisten during these stories), but more often not. Thus I'm not
perfectly clear on "Turok mo ako! -- Tolong!" (from another of Sista's
stories) though I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean "This darned currency crisis!
-- phooey!"
In "Cheenagurl" our heroine has dressed and is finishing putting on her makeup
preparatory to going out with her man on Saturday night. She is suddenly
struck by what a sexy number that lady in the mirror is -- that "Chinagrrrl"
in her cheongsam with the high mandarin collar, and with the dramatic eye-
shadow not quite completed. Hey, it's enough to make a gal's puki wet!
So, she checks the hour - yep, there's time for a little private interlude
before she has to meet her gent. Unfortunately, she can't summon a female
genie (such as visited an American e-girlfriend of our heroine in Sista's "The
Genie Visits") out of the mirror, so she has to settle for a rendezvous
between her everyday and her Saturday night (Cheenagurl) selves, aided by a
little plastic friend she keeps in her drawer (see Sista's "Toys" for an
introduction to our heroine's complex relation to her mechanical aids). For
all that it's a bit on the narcissistic side, she/they manage a very
successful quickie - and a complex one, as at the climax the male lover
manages to become part of the scene as well.
The story - like the episode it relates - is short and hot. The writing is
lush and lovely, and Sista manages to give some real individuality to the
heroine, by way of her very plurality. She successfully invokes the submissive
sex-kitten stereotype of "the Asian woman," while at the same time
suggesting, in the background, a woman of considerable willfulness, fully
conscious of her own needs and power. Sista, your heroine is one interesting
and sexy lady!
Ratings for "Cheenagurl"
Technical quality: 10 (despite "it's" for "its")
Plot & Character: 10 (she lives!)
Appeal to reviewer: 10 (I'm enchanted!)
=====================
"Once Upon a Time" by Jefferson James. Review by Sven the Elder, who may be
contacted at Sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13285.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373883098
This is a rape story that came to me with no codes to warn me as either a
reader or reviewer. I intensely dislike rape stories be they set in modern
times or even as pseudo clever stories in supposedly middle ages. Any story
that defiles a woman, such as this one does, will suffer at my hands.
Accordingly I, for the first time ever in a Celestial review, regard it as
beneath my dignity to accord this story any ratings whatsoever. There is
nothing remotely entertaining in what this story attempts to portray.
Ratings for "Once Upon a Time"
Not worthy of ratings - will be quite easy to avoid reading, which is
what I should have done!
=====================
"Housewarming Party" By marky (marky92@hotmail.com). Guest Review by BitBard
(bitbard@newsguy.com).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13213.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373592000
Phil Jones, an advertising executive, has been transferred to London and gets
a very nice reception from two women.
This is pretty much straight stroke material with an effort to build up
character before the sex begins. The first paragraph of the story is fairly
hard to get through since it makes very limited use of transitional words and
phrases. The second section moves a bit smoother, a lot smoother actually,
but the story still suffers from a lack of rhythm and flow.
While this is a fairly hard story to read the characters are sound enough, as
is the premise and the sex. A good reread or some good comments by a proofer
might be all that this story needs to be a very worthy scene, but given the
present difficulties it's not a story I can heartily recommend.
Ratings for "Housewarming Party"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 7
Bitbard (appeal to reviewer): 6
=====================
* "He Doesn't (Love Her Like I Do)" by Uther Pendragon
(an569889@anon.penet.fi).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374716287
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=374716282
This story is written from a most unusual perspective - from the viewpoint of
a dog who belongs to a young girl going through adolescence. We see most of
the sexual activity only indirectly - we have to surmise it through the mind
of the dog, who draws most of his conclusions by looking and sniffing. The
girl cries a lot, has different smells on her fingers and in her crotch, and
occasionally rubs bouillon into her body for Wiggles to lick out while she
moans gently. It must have been a challenging task to write an entire story
from this perspective; but the author carries it off beautifully. I truly
enjoyed this story.
Ratings for "He Doesn't (Love Her Like I Do)"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
* "Beneath the Bridge" by Brother Cadfael. Guest review by Mark Aster.
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/6489.txt
---
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=298812706
This is a decently-well-written story about a couple who go out to a movie,
but really to have sex, and overcome various barriers, both physical and
spiritual, on the way to their orgasms. As the author's synopsis says, "Two
lovers, one married, rendezvous beneath a bridge." They get to the nice dark
place under the bridge, though, only after building their passion up during a
movie, and after being discovered by the security cops the first time they
park, in a mall parking garage. Watching this couple, so clearly hot for each
other, trying to get to a good place to consummate, is a nice study in
tension.
If this story has faults, they stem mostly from the fact that it is part of a
series of stories, and the series seems to be drawn from real life. It's
dangerous to write from real life, since real life doesn't always make any
narrative sense. Also the person who has experienced those bits of real life
will sometimes not realize how much of the familiar background is in fact
unfamiliar to the reader. I didn't really get why they felt they had to make
love in the car (rather than going back to his place, say, or checking into a
by-the-hour motel); and I didn't get why they had to worry about the time and
what her husband might think, since her husband knows they're going out, and
knows that they've been lovers. I'm sure the author knows, but I found myself
wondering.
The emotional thread running through this story is that the two were in love,
or at least emotionally involved, once, but now they are just friends, or even
acquaintances, that use each other for sex. The narrator says this several
times, even harps on it. Probably the other stories in the series would
convince me that it was true if I'd read them. In reading this story by
itself, though, and ignoring the narrator's protestations to the contrary, I
would have guessed that there was at least a deep mutual affection here, and
probably love. While the narrator says several times that there isn't, the
action doesn't convince me. On the other hand, I got the impression that the
author believes what the narrator says (i.e. this wasn't intended as an
unreliable-narrator piece).
But anyway, I'm harping on with critique for the author, rather than review
for the reader, again. Sorry! This is a nice hot MF story, in which the
tension is built up nicely, and the sex described well. Recommended.
Numbers? Probably straight nines, here. I'm really not good at numbers...
=====================
* "Discovery" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=237568658
The guy works in the library reference area, and an attractive girl whom he
would like to meet accidentally drops her purse on the floor. Instead of
picking it up for her, he waits for her to leave and then retrieves the purse.
He checks its contents. What will he do? If this were a Parker story, he
would try to use the information obtained from the purse to stalk its owner
and make her into his sexual slave. However, Parker is a complex author; and
so the guy might wind up becoming HER sexual slave.
If the author were either SueNH or Ann Douglas, the guy would return the purse
but would first look in the window of her house or apartment and discover her
making love to her female roommate. He would probably knock on the door, and
the purse's owner would recognize him as the author of several of her favorite
stories on a prominent Internet newsgroup and would invite him to join the
festivities. The sex would be explicitly described and wildly erotic, but
nothing much kinkier than three-way sex.
If the author were Backrub or one of the Ng sisters, the range of
possibilities would expand rapidly, depending on the mood of the author. The
guy might find Tammy's diary in the purse, read it, and insert himself into
her love life. The purse would almost certainly contain at least one dildo
and probably several other sextoys. {Indeed, if this were a story by May Anne
Mohanraj, the story might be told from the perspective of the dildo.} The
woman to whom the guy returns the purse might be a vampire. Almost certainly
there would be passionate heterosexual activity, and it is not particularly
likely that the guy would die during the ensuing action.
If Wollstonecraft wrote the story, the guy would return the purse; but the
woman would be either a nun or a member of a coven of witches. They would be
hostile to him, until he offered to impregnate them all during a wild orgy, at
which time they would become submissive but passionate. It is very possible
that somebody might die during the ensuing orgies.
If Mark Aster were the author, the girl would be Pat Allen, the lovely and
vivacious older sister of the equally lovely and vivacious Julie Allen. When
he returned the purse, the guy would find its owner making tender love to her
sister and to an extremely sexy stud in a metaphorically rich environment.
They would invite him to join the festivities, and the author would
choreograph his orgasm to coincide emphatically with those of the Three
Amigos.
If Joe Parsons wrote this story, the guy would call the girl and have a really
nice, erotic conversation with her. It would be a truly delightful
conversation, but he would later receive a bill for $240.
If this were Stephanie's story, the girl would really be a guy who just looked
like a girl - actually, he would be both a guy and a girl. This would be the
first of ? parts to be posted over a period of 14 months. If this were by
Estragon, the plot would be similar to Stephanie's; but the number of parts
would keep changing. If it were by Vickie Tern, the plot would again be
similar, except that the girl would be a guy who had become a girl to please a
wife who really wanted a girlfriend with whom she could pick up men. Also,
the guy would be a hair stylist rather than a library assistant. In addition,
the story would have been revised three times since Vickie first posted it
yesterday.
If this were written by Shelby Bush, the story would be a parody of "Murphy
Brown." The guy would try to return the purse, but Murphy would be
interviewing Ralph Nader, with whom she is secretly in love but cannot get off
first base. I'm unclear on the specifics, but somehow during an early part of
the story Hillary Clinton would become involved in a menage a trois with
Murphy and Ralph, while the guy watched and masturbated with a defective
dildo, which Nader would eventually work into a class-action lawsuit. Later,
Dan Quayle would have trouble spelling the plural of dildo and would express
the opinion that he was glad he studied Latin in high school, in case he
wanted to have sex with a woman from Latin America. If this were an Uncle
Mike story, it would still be a parody of Murphy Brown; but the guy would be a
blind man whose dog would sodomize Murphy.
Of course, if this were Deirdre's story, the man would return the purse, only
to find its owner living in an old warehouse that she shared with seventeen
other women who spent most of their time nakedly worshipping a female dom who
fucked them anally with a large dildo shaped like a snake while their husbands
hung by their feet from meat hooks and sucked each other's cocks. Although he
would be the narrator of the story, the guy would never be seen again.
If I wrote the story myself, the guy would return the purse to the woman, but
she would be a bit of a jerk. She would leave on a date with someone else,
but the guy would become attracted to her roommate - a socially mature,
intelligent person who would discuss world politics with him over a banana
split, which they would share. After dating for several months, he would
propose to her. They would engage in heavy petting, but they would not have
sexual intercourse until the night of their wedding, which would occur in a
beautiful church in the presence of their fully clothed friends. None of
their relatives (nor the priest) would have intercourse with either of them on
their wedding night, but the couple would see metaphorical fireworks as they
together explored the wonders of each other's bodies.
If Dirty Dawg wrote the story, the plot would be similar to mine, except that
the guy would first treat the girl badly, then realize ten years later what he
had missed and make it up to her during a whirlwind courtship climaxing in
tender, multiorgasmic sex. If Frank McCoy or The Bear were the author, the
plot would again be similar to mine, except that the girl would be much
younger - probably the guy's daughter. The Observer's plot would likewise be
similar to mine; but it would be spread out over about six different stories
and would have been edited by all the other authors mentioned in this review.
If this were a porn movie instead of a short story, the woman would be Tori
Wells, playing a character named either Eustacia Vye or Pussy Galore - both of
which names have amazingly appeared in the non-censored media (one more
amazingly than the other). The college kid would be played by a middle-aged
fat guy, perhaps Ron Jeremy. Ron would follow Tori when she left the library,
but we would never see her again - except on the jacket of the videotape. Ron
would go through a door into a cheap motel room with a beautiful fireplace,
where he would have oral sex with a listless woman named Randi Cunt, who very
well might be the inspiration for all those dumb blonde jokes I see on
rec.humor, while a Scandinavian guy with long blond hair and a black guy with
a monster cock did a double penetration on her. The actual action would take
about three minutes, but clever looping would consume fifteen minutes, while
Randi said clever things like, "I love your big cock" and "Cum on my face."
Indeed, all three men would cum externally, and Randi would rub the cum or a
mixture of flour and water all over her body while she said things like
"oooooo!~
I apologize to all the authors whose works I did not satirize in the previous
paragraphs - as well as to those whom I did mention. The story's actual plot
was quite interesting and contained elements of several of my proposed story
lines. One of Smith's main strengths is his ability to write highly literate
and realistic stories from many different perspectives. I find him pleasantly
difficult to predict.
All I'll add about the plot is that I think it gives a nearly perfect
treatment of romantic interracial sex. As I've said before, I am a white
woman with a black brother-in-law whom I really enjoy knowing but who is not
reputed to have unusual sexual proclivities. I get tired of reading stories
that are labeled "interracial" in which black guys with "monster cocks"
service white women or white guys screw black "sluts." This story takes a
completely different (yet sexy and socially responsible) perspective on
interracial sex.
I think you'll enjoy reading this story. I certainly did.
Ratings for "Discovery"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
<end>