Celestial Reviews 278 - April 25, 1998
Note: From the Don't Ask How I Found Out Department:
Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose
weight.
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole
grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min. to 2 weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say
that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy
taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating
asparagus is said to be the foulest. ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT
PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE.
Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey
Brown, etc. ( drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun). Odors that
increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts,
pumpkin pie (Happy Thanksgiving!)
Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an a.m.
erection
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he
doesn't have sex, is totally false.
Guys, it's not you, a female is wet all of the time.
Second note: Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to
raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace
house. After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and
explains that she is a model working in a nearby Manchester studio for a few
weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay
for the whole week. Doris shows her the house and they agree to start right
away.
"There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to
have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?" "That's not a
problem," replies Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it
in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays
- so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model. "That being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you
tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the
bath for the model. After stripping, the model steps into the bath and Doris
is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring
eyes, smiles, and explains that it is part of her job to shave herself,
especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe
her. "It's true, I tell you!" says Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and
see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the
model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her,
looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model. Then she lifts up
her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own pubic hair. Later Fred
returns and they retire to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes," he replies. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did
you lift up your skirt and show yours?"
"Just to show you the difference," answers Doris. "Anyway, you've seen mine
millions of times!"
"Yes," says Fred, "I have.... but the rest of the dart team hadn't!"
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Saliva" by Hugo Alkaviade (voyeurism & masturbation)
10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346712553
"Molly in Suspense" by Michael K. Smith (threesome & incest)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346717649
"Private Pool Party" by Saucy Wench (swimming pool sex)
10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347556897
"Lord of the Flies Part II - The Unspoken Truth" by Qo'tlhoS
and CPTK (illiterate drivel) 7, 1, 1
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346923675
Guest Reviews:
"Bionic Freshman" by Unknown Author (college sex) 8, 7, 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=344419966 (1)
"Train Journey" by Madeleine (sex on a train) 8, 6, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=345463235
"Lohengrin" by MrSpraycan (opera parody) 10, 6, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=345706834
"Doorways" by Suki (brief image) 9, 6, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347041856 (1)
"Seeking - The Beginning" by Unknown Author (miscellaneous
sex) 8, 6, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=345132366 (1)
"Psion" by Leanna (sci-fi sex) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346852382
"My Sister Mary" by MikeyBear (incest) 8, 8, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=344786534 (1)
"Wet Dream" by Kev Cross (therapeutic sex) 8, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=344763273 (1)
"Abecedary" by Eli-the-Bearded (short segments) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=335682935
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=335682937
"Dismaid" by Adrian Hunter (bdsm) 10, 4, -
http://x1.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347361817
Reposted Reviews:
* "Showing Off Again" by Backrub (with Sue and Sharon)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347596867 (1)
* "Bird Watching" by Eoghan Irving (outdoor sex) 8, 7, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347041846 (1)
* "Birdwatchers" by Unknown Author (hot romance) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=317475788 (1)
========================
On this day in Celestial History..
Celestial Reviews #79 - April 24, 1996
========================
* "Occupation" or "Marie's Hospitality" by Wollstonecraft
(rape & pregnancy) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=215277353 (1)
* "Lady Chatterly's Lover" by D.H. Lawrence (classic sex
novel) 10, 10, 10
http://www.mk.net/~dt/Bibliomania/Fiction/dhl/chat/index.html (1)
* "Let Your Fingers Do the Riding" by Solo Polyphony
(masturbation & exhibitionism) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=220128241
==========
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
(1) = Repost not by Author
"Saliva" by Hugo Alkaviade (alkaviade@cyberdude.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346712553
Michael is a German high school boy who lusts after Christine from afar. At
least he lusts from afar when he's not standing behind her in a crowd and
copping a feel. Later in the story he watches Christine and some other girls
working out on the athletic field while he masturbates and imagines fucking
them in their vestiary. That sentence will have a different meaning to
Americans than to Germans, because Americans don't know what a vestiary is.
My hope is that they will think it is part of the anatomy and will laugh like
hell when they realize that it's part of a building.
I liked this story. It's simple but good. Not great yet - that'll be this
author's next story, perhaps - but a very nice impression of a high school boy
trying to get his act together with regard to the women in his life.
Ratings for "Saliva"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Molly in Suspense" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith1@bellsouth.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346717649
Molly isn't into serious pain or humiliation. She just likes to hang mostly
naked from a meat hook in her house when she's home alone. This gives her
sexy feelings, and she is always able to finish up her orgasm and put things
back in good order before anyone returns home. Well, almost always. This
time she accidentally bumps away the chair that serves as a ladder; and so
when her brother and his girlfriend arrive home, they find her flagrante
delicto.
Greg's girlfriend Ellen is one of those ubiquitous psych majors who apparently
know everything about mind control, hypnosis, and various aspects of human
sexuality and animal husbandry. Indeed, she is a veritable fountain of
knowledge with regard to kinky erotica, and she manages to involve Molly and
Greg in her homework.
I don't think I'll tell you the details. You can read the story yourself.
You probably already know that this author writes clear and erotic stories,
and this one is certainly no exception.
Somehow, this story reminded me of a National Geographic Special about owls
and field mice. Only quite a bit sexier.
Ratings for "Molly in Suspense"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Private Pool Party" by Saucy Wench (WenchSaucy@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347556897
Our 5 -foot 5-inches, brown-haired-down-her-shoulders, brown-eyed, 28-year-
old, slim, 110-pound, trim-figured, small-breasted, saucy wench has been
reclining on a flotation device in the swimming pool, relaxing in the
afterglow of a mind-blowing orgasm that occurred near the very end of a
masturbatory session in that same pool. Since the pool is in the central
courtyard, entirely surrounded by a house with perfect security, she is alone
and completely unseen, except perhaps from space vehicles with Hubble
telescopes zeroed in precisely on her lovely little tits. Except for the
stranger in the leather jacket and black jeans whom she suddenly notices
standing at the side of the pool watching her.
It turns out that he's the son of the people for whom our wench has been
house-sitting. She suddenly feels lascivious - or lewd, libidinous,
licentious, lecherous - any of those words that would describe "come-into-the-
pool-and-fuck-me" reaction. He resists her advances, suggesting instead that
she come to the side of the pool and give him a blowjob. "Mmmmph!" To assist
him in his resistance, Jack subsequently reveals that he has two of his
friends with him. The scene quickly deteriorates from those L-words at the
beginning of this paragraph to just plane ribald and obscene. "Fiddle de dee!"
This is a very sexy story! It has sort of an odd ending, but I suspect that's
because the author plans to build from there in the next episode.
Ratings for "Private Pool Party"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Lord of the Flies Part II - The Unspoken Truth" by Qo'tlhoS and CPTK
(derf@nym.alias.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346923675
"Hey, Beavis! This novel really sucks. It has big words and intelligent
thoughts and a complex plot. Let's write our own ending to it!"
"<hee, hee> OK, Butthead. We'll say 'fuck' and have the guys slam one another
in the ass - <hee, hee> I just said 'ass.'"
Although the above dialog summarizesthe probable inception of this story, it
possibly gives an excessively optimistic impression of the quality of this
story. I suggest you skip this one.
Ratings for "Lord of the Flies Part II"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
"Bionic Freshman" by Unknown Author). Guest review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=344419966
As a young teenager just recently and barely initiated, I dreamed of sex
almost constantly, it seemed. More often my imagination led me to magical
thinking, that state where, in the place of life's reality, I substituted
scenarios that held me as the beloved. I didn't have to overcome shyness or
social awkwardness in my dreams. To the contrary, I had only to imagine a
sexual situation and it just happened, magically. Just the way I wanted it to
happen and without the anxiety of real interaction.
With maturation, most of us, I think, move away from the magical world of
adolescent imagination and toward the greater eroticism of reality. One's
personal position on this continuum will influence their reaction to the
story, "Bionic Freshman." Those emotionally closer to being freshmen will
perhaps identify and appreciate more the story line and its premises.
Consider, if you will, the situation that finds our terminally horny freshman
male the helpless recipient of the intoxicating and overpowering sexual
advances of a beautiful blonde professor who's experimenting with the
aphrodisiacal powers of a "hitherto unknown root recently discovered in a
certain section of the Amazon rain forest."
Our student and his sexy professor are found screwing sans seduction or
foreplay in the first few paragraphs. The tone of the story is given
definition immediately by such phrases as: ". . . a gallon of cum was going to
gush down that beautiful throat . . . hugely swollen organ . . . John's
spurting cock was halfway down her throat . . . [and] The head of John's cock
swelled up like a fiery red orange preventing him from withdrawing."
Hyperbole and anatomic exaggeration quickly numb our senses to that point of
sad realization that there are no subtleties, no innuendo, indeed, no
surprises left. At the conclusion of Chapter Four, we're given to understand
that it is to be continued. More, there's a hint of male-male sexual coupling
and perhaps even incest. We have little doubt that this and any other
imagined sexual excess will be accomplished without thought or difficulty
employing the all-powerful extract of some Amazon rainforest root.
Aside from guys like me when I was thirteen, I doubt this will have a
generalized appeal. My advice to the (unknown) author would be to consciously
tone down exaggeration and magical thinking, allowing room for human reality.
At root, it's far more erotic.
Ratings for "Bionic Freshman"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (A single out loud reading would
pick up many of the errors.)
Venus (plot & character): 7 (stunted plot with almost no character)
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 5 (I'd have rated it higher when I was
13.)
"Train Journey" by Madeleine (Madeleine_t@yahoo.com). Guest review by Dart.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=345463235
A young lady has a sleeping berth on the night train from London to Edinburgh.
Upon boarding the train, she wonders how many women may have seduced the
rather dishy steward, and decides that it might be pleasant if she added
herself to their number. But then she observes a handsome, fortyish man saying
farewell to a cute young thing on the platform, and decides that he, not the
steward, will be the night's plaything. Luckily, he takes the adjoining berth,
and with the proper threat, she entices the steward to unlock the
communicating door after the handsome stranger has departed for the lounge
car. I guess such young ladies prefer the dramatic entrance rather than just
flirting with their chosen partner in the lounge car, and then taking him back
to his, or her, berth.
The next morning when the steward delivers her her tea, she, ever thoughtful,
rewards him for his help the previous evening, but then, sadly, there's no
time for her tea. It's off to her meeting in Edinburgh.
The meeting over, she catches the afternoon train for the return trip to
London, and is delighted to find that she has the first-class compartment to
herself. It allows her to truly indulge herself with the steamy novel she's
reading. Such exquisite solitude rarely lasts, however, and she is eventually
joined by a fellow traveler. As first she's annoyed, but then adaptive in a
fashion that brings pleasure to both of the compartment's occupants.
This is a first story by this author. I think she should keep writing. I also
think that she should make use of a proofreader, and give more thought to
character development, since, for me, the sex scenes were warmly erotic, but
they were prevented from being steamy by the unbelievable behavior of the
story's main character
Ratings for "Train Journey"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
Dart (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Lohengrin" by MrSpraycan (mrspraycan@mailanon.com). Guest review by Fiddler.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=345706834
You can tell that a joke about Wagner is successful if you see Lohengrin. It
says something about this Newsgroup that we assume that everybody has seen
all those loser TV shows that are parodied, but Celeste has trouble finding
someone to review a parody of one of the great works of the Western musical
canon. (On the other hand, there is a reason that operas don't provide
subtitles.) Anyway, I found a pony in the library (easier than finding a
book in a stable) and looked up a summary of the libretto for Lohengrin. This
is a parody, and--in places--a funny enough one that I laughed before reading
the pony.
If you take Wagner terribly seriously you should probably avoid this piece.
Otherwise it is great fun. The sex breaks a lot of taboos, but is mostly
offstage. This is chuckle fiction rather than stroke fiction.
Ratings for "Lohengrin"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6* (Which is more than I would have
given Wagner's version)
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 9
"Doorways" by Suki (suki@fish.com). Guest review by Fiddler.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347041856
Suki is a sub female best known for very short "Images." This could have been
one of them. The woman waits in a doorway wearing only raincoat and boots for
her lover to drive up. He doesn't.
Ratings for "Doorways"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 8
"Seeking - The Beginning" by Unknown. Guest reviewed by Poison Ivan
(poisoniv1@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=345132366
"Seeking" is a true story. I can tell because the author says so, right at
the beginning. I can also tell the story is true because all the women in the
story like to masturbate in front of the narrator. As I'm sure all you women
know, if you want to get to know a guy fast, just masturbate in from of him.
The narrator of this story gets to know quite a few women.
And, just like in real life, most of the women in this story happen to be
bisexual. I mean, what could be more normal? What do you do when you catch
Charlene spying on you and Beth making out in the sauna? You guessed it!
Invite Charlene on in! More's the merrier! What happens while you're on
Julie's front doorstep waiting for Julie to come home, and Julie's best friend
Debbie stops by? Yes! You fuck Debbie on the porch! And then when Julie
finally shows up, you all three dash upstairs and shave off everyone's pubic
hair.
It goes on and on. It's all pretty standard real life stuff.
On the other hand, there were a few things that didn't strike me as
particularly realistic. For example, the characters seem to enjoy eating
microwave hamburgers. Yech.
The writing in "Seeking" is clumsy, but at least the author kept it simple.
The story held some naïve charm for me at first, but it began to wear off
after the first forty-five pages. The second forty-five pages could have used
a fast forward button.
On the positive side, "Seeking" contains a decent amount of sex, and I imagine
it has some stroke appeal. If you're looking for a long, simple, consensual
sex story, and you're willing to use the Page Down key from time to time, it
could be a decent masturbation aid.
Ratings for "Seeking - The Beginning"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Ivan (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Psion" by Leanna (leanna1@hotmail.com). Guest review by Sandman
(sandman@bitsmart.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346852382
Archive: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Academy/2194/
Well, here I go, doing an unsolicited review of a well publicized story from a
well known author. Chances are Celeste has already marked this for review.
Still it never hurts now and again for a story to get two reviews. Such things
tend to point out the power of perspective and reinforce the concept of caveat
emptor - that is you (the buyer) had better beware. Anyway, I read the story.
It's one of the very, very few I've read of my own accord lately and I think
I'd feel naked if I read a story and didn't do a review. {GRIN}
This author gets off on the wrong foot right away by labeling the story sci-
fi, thus completely alienating those who don't like sci-fi; then she alienates
the sci-fi crowd by stating in her notes that it's not all gadgety and doesn't
involve big, slimy aliens. Personally I never had a problem with big slimy
aliens -- slippery sex is one of my turnons. This probably has a lot to do
with a really BAD B movie I saw in my youth where a woman was slithered upon
by a giant slimy worm. Of course she was terrified at the beginning, but
right before the worm devoured her she sounded like she was having a whole lot
of fun. Really though, all pointless tangents aside, the reader should just
ignore the authors schizophrenic headers and just plunge right into this
interesting story.
Raira is a teenaged orphan who has been captured by the Baig -- a nefarious,
evil race of aliens who, unlike most nefarious, evil alien races has actually
managed to succeed in their megalomaniacal ambitions and take over not only
their world, but the entire galaxy as well! Ah but taking over the world, er
galaxy, is easy unless you're a genetically altered lab mouse with a POINT dim
assistant NARF! Keeping it is quite another matter, and thus they need spies
to help them maintain their evil, iron grip on their empire.
Thus their need for Raira. By implanting a chip she can be given psionic
powers allowing her to read the thoughts of their enemies and spy for them.
An interesting twist is that Raira is a natural psi and doesn't really need
the chip. Well needless to say Raira is not overjoyed at her new job title,
but it does have a perk in that she gets to meet really interesting guys -
even if everyone she ends up liking dies a horrible death.
One of the guys she meets happens to be one of the psionic spies who managed
to escape from the evil clutches of the Baig. Being psychic and all, they
skip the usual mating rituals where the guy brags outrageously about how rich
and interesting he is and the woman pretends to be interested. Nope, they
already know how hot they are for each others bods and go straight to some
very, very well described sex. And golly, I thought sex between us mere
mortals was fun! These guys not only get to experience their own orgasm but
their partner's as well!
The story ends on a rather tragic note that seems to be a commentary on the
futility of trying to change the system. The story as a forum for the most
excellent sex scene is acceptable, the story without the sex would have very
little to say. I would have really wished to have my sex and have the
underdogs overthrow the evil Baig, or failing that (it is a short story after
all) inspire the seeds of revolution by their martyrdom - Babylon 5 took this
route with the Byron character and it wasn't even a short story!
This story is a challenging read, what's there is well written but the
concepts demand an active participation by the reader to keep up with the
strange politics of this world. Fortunately once the sex starts though, the
only thing demanded of the reader is to have a good ride. "Psion" isn't the
best story I've read but it most certainly isn't the worst either. I think,
if pressed, I'd classify it as interesting.
Ratings for "Psion"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Abecedary" by Eli-the-Bearded <*@qz.to>. There are two parts to this -
Abecedaries A and B. Neither of them are sex stories. For those who don't know
what an 'abecedary' is, it's a book to learn the alphabet from (I must say I
didn't know until Elijah explained.)
Both pieces contain little snippets under a word starting with each letter of
the alphabet, in alphabetical order, for example:
>Jelly
>
>"Do you have a preference between KY or Astroglide?" he asked.
>"Are you suggesting I don't get wet enough?" she replied, very serious.
>"There are activities I was thinking of that do not involve your natural
>lubrication."
>
>Kneading
>
>"I've always thought this was the most fun part of making bread. Dough
>has such an interesting feel beneath the hand." Brian looked up from the
>counter at her and smiled.
Not all of the sections have any sexual connotation. In fact, had anyone else
but dear Elijah posted this I would have been slightly puzzled as to why they
had posted it on ASSM. I mean it's not about sex (much) and it's definitely
not a story. But being as it's from him, where else would he post it? He can
post his shopping list if he wants. And anyway I enjoyed it (?them)....
Yes, I really liked it. It's got a haunting, detached quality. It's memorable.
Some of the pieces are like haiku. Others very intriguing - snapshots from an
ongoing story.... Give it a go. Odd but excellent.
Ratings for "Abecedary"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10 (these categories don't really apply, but
the pieces definitely contain the equivalent in creative terms)
Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 10
"My Sister Mary" by MikeyBear (mkaber@mindspring.com). Guest review by DG.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=344786534
This story belongs in the firmly-established genre of incest between a brother
and a sister as they approach puberty and discover their sexuality together.
"My Sister Mary" doesn't bring any new insights or twists to this popular
plotline, but it isn't a total dog either. The story is told from the
brother's point of view, as he and his younger sister fool around and then
they become lovers. The dialogue and characterization are more realistic than
in some of the other stories about 11-13 year olds that I have read. The
problem for me is that incest squicks me enough so that I couldn't really
enjoy the sex between the narrator and his sister. There are some scenes
where the siblings spy on Mom and Dad which worked a little better for me. I
guess the bottom line on this story is that if you enjoy brother-sister incest
stories, you will probably like "My Sister Mary." If not, you better give it
a miss.
Ratings for "My Sister Mary"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
DG (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Wet Dream" by Kev Cross (kev@davross.demon.co.uk). Guest review by Mark
Aster.
The preamble says that this is the author's first attempt at a story; it's a
very impressive first attempt! Despite a few sex-story cliches that put me
off a bit (a bra cup-size estimate, huge gushes of female lubricant), it's
basically a tender, sexy, original, and well-written story. The narrator is a
disabled guy having his regular therapy in the pool. The physiotherapist is a
lovely young woman who discovers that the best way to control the high-
pressure water hose is to hold it between her (young, firm, taut, smooth)
thighs. This turns her on, which turns him on, which...
I feel like I ought to say something about how the narrator's disability is
handled in the story; but really the best thing about it is that you don't
have to say anything about it! Sure, he's got a disability, and the story
couldn't have happened if he hadn't. Some people are disabled, some are
skinny, some have long hair, some play the violin, but they can all enjoy a
good boinking!
Numbers (and remember I'm a hard grader)
Athena: 8 (good grasp of prose, one or two awkwardnesses)
Venus: 9 (tender and hot, interesting characters)
Mark: 9 (I liked it!)
"Dismaid" by Adrian Hunter (adrianhunter@geocities.com). Guest review by
Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com)
http://x1.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347361817
Archive: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Gallery/9911/door.html
Well it was bound to happen sooner or later. I finally get my very first BDSM
story to review. Generally I tend to prefer my sex between equals but I'm not
adverse to a little fantasy, fantasy role-playing as long as everyone has fun.
I've never really delved that deeply into this genre though. Keep that in
mind -- my inexperience in this area may influence your decision to read this.
The story opens with a woman, whose dress was described in excruciating
detail, scrubbing the floor with an old toothbrush which is "attached to a
chain draped between her preoccupied nipples with a too-short piece of
string." Did I mention she had a vibrator stuffed up her pussy while she's
doing this? Poor woman has an orgasm too. Which is kinda unfortunate
since she makes noise and utters a word that's not exactly French when she's
clearly been told to speak only French and only when told to speak. Sigh,
guess she'll just have to be punished. From there the story moves to a
short M/f scene followed by a rather painful sounding final punishment.
I've seen Adrian Hunter's works in the newsgroup before, though I confess I've
never read his stories. I actually approached the story with anticipation
since this was an author who obviously knew the genre and thus could introduce
me to the full appeal of BDSM. I read the story three times. I still don't
get it.
Oh I get the story easy enough. Man has woman at beck and call, clean the
floor with a toothbrush, bend over cuz I feel like fucking now, etc, etc. The
story's very simplistic along those lines. What I don't get is the appeal.
Set the story a hundred years in the future where everyone has their own
android and the woman (now android) would be little different. A few slight
modifications and this story is ready made for alt.sex.robots. The woman
simply wasn't real - she might as well have been a poodle.
Furthermore there wasn't any suspense, no surprise, no drama, and no sense of
accomplishment. The male narrator controlled the story as easily as a puppet
master maneuvers his puppet. So I'm left asking myself is this story typical
of the author's prior work? Is this story typical of "hard core" BDSM as a
general rule? I think I'd have to answer no to both questions. I doubt that
this story is a showcase of the author's talents as much as I doubt that all
of BDSM could be this one-dimensional.
The technical skill displayed was flawless. The author has a very smooth
writing style and can be quite painstaking in the details that set the overall
mood. The plot really didn't make any sense though and there really was only
one character in this story (the narrator) and his motivations and rational
were never really fleshed out. The final refuge of Venus, the sex, was too
short and not evocative. I'm going to hedge my bet here and leave the appeal
blank. Personally the appeal was a zero, but if you read this story and find
that I completely missed the mark I *REALLY* would appreciate a note clueing
me in.
Ratings for "DisMaid"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 4
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): --
* "Bird Watching" by Eoghann Irving (eoghann@thenet.co.uk). Guest review by
Anne747.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347041846
An interesting story, with a play on words. Hey, I'm just bright enough to
catch that 'bird' is a slang term in the UK for a woman. The premise of the
piece is good. The 'hero' of the story goes out to do some bird watching and
discovers a woman who loves getting back to nature. He is interrupted by
another woman, and that's when the sex begins.
Now, lots of possibilities. It just doesn't come across as well as it could.
The first comment is a cultural thing. Sorry, but the word wank just cracks
me up. Hey, that's just me though. What I really have problems with is the
lack of connection between the characters. There is a friendship of sorts
between the man and the second woman, but we don't find out what it is. I
also use the term man and woman loosely. It reads like a teen piece, but I
could be way off.
There needs to be a little more background with the couple who are having the
sex. Are they two teenagers exploring first sex? Some of the language seems
to support this. If so, lets be honest about ages and label it as such. Are
they two old friends who have lusted for years, or are they simply vacationers
who met yesterday? It just needs a little more description here.
The story could stand a little work on the sentence structure at times. Some
of the sections are a little fragmented, with the flow being lost. A quick
example of this is - [Jenny turned to look at him. There was a slight look of
hurt in her face now. Mixed with confusion.. Suddenly she shoved him.
Pushing hard on his shoulder.]
All in all, it's not a bad read. It just didn't live up to the promise of its
start. It didn't draw me into the scene. With some changes it could likely
be a much better piece.
Ratings for "Bird Watching"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Bird Watchers" by Anonymous.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=317475788
I originally reviewed this story back in CR 53 as by Unknown Author. The
present version also has no author's name. However, somewhere in between I
have come to the conclusion that it was written by Anonymous. However, as
far as I know, Anonymous may be Italian or Portuguese for Unknown Author.
This story is about a man and a woman who accidentally view each other in
moments of private sexual arousal (i.e., masturbation). Even though the man
uses his binoculars to zoom in for detail, he doesn't consider this to be an
invasion of her privacy. {He differentiates between being a Peeping Tom and
voyeurism of opportunity.} In fact, as a friendly gesture he sends her a
gift: a pair of binoculars with a note reading "from one bird lover to
another." The voyeurism is itself very sexy, and the direct sexual contact is
even hotter. I strongly recommend this story.
A problem with this posting is that if I have no idea who the author is, I
can't read more stories by this writer. I find that a lot of people who
repost stories from their archives remove the names of the authors; and it's
hard to tell who really wrote them. This one bears a closer resemblance to
the Sue-Backrub-Ng school of authors than to the Deirdre-Anderson or Victorian
schools. I'm pretty sure it was not written by either the Dirty Dawg,
Shakespeare, or Francis Bacon. It's really hot sex with good character
development and twists of plot. The author is especially adept at viewing the
action from the perspectives of different characters and using flashbacks to
add excitement to current situations. I know the year is just beginning, but
this is a good candidate for story of the year. So if someone knows who the
real author is, please let me know.
Ratings for "Bird Watchers"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Showing Off Again" by Backrub (with Sue and Sharon). (Reposted by John
Dark).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=347596867
{I originally reviewed this story - under the incorrect title "Showoffs" -
back in CR #3, when I was first discovering this newsgroup. It was a good
story then, and it's a good story now. The coauthor Sue is SueNH, who has
written many additional good stories. I don't know who Sharon is - possibly
the woman who teaches math in the room acrtoss the hall from my classroom.}
Yesss! This is what sexual fantasy is about. This story describes two
female friends who come on to the hunks doing the gardening, and everyone gets
their brains fucked out. The story is well written and the sex is hot. In
real life there are plenty of good reasons why I myself will never do what the
people do in this story; but that's what fantasy is for. My husband couldn't
figure out why my pussy was so hot two nights ago. I told him, but I didn't
let him read the story until the next evening; but then I understood the bulge
in his shorts when I came into the computer room dressed in my gardening
clothes. Fortunately, I had downloaded the story - otherwise, we'd have had
one big bill for connect time from AOL while he was distracted from the
monitor. Two bangs for the buck! Thank you Backrub!
Ratings for "Showing Off Again"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Occupation" or "Marie's Hospitality" by Wollstonecraft
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=215277353 }
Some of you may already know this, but Mary Wollstonecraft was an early
British feminist author whose 237th birthday is celebrated today. Her
"Vindication of the Rights of Women," a polemic essay that rivaled the work of
Edmund Burke, influenced many 19th-century suffragists. She married the
writer and philosopher William Godwin in 1797; but died just a few months
later, 11 days after giving birth to Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, the future
author of "Frankenstein" and wife of the poet Percy Bysshe Shelley. It seems
likely that the author of the present story is named after the latter, who
eloped in 1814 with Shelley to Europe and married him after the suicide in
1816 of his first wife. Never say that you don't learn useful things here in
Celestial Reviews.
In this story Marie is being molested by a soldier, while her husband
literally sits by and lets it happen. The soldier is from the "army of
liberation"; and the husband reasons that the least Marie can do is be
hospitable to the poor guy, since he'll probably get his brains blown out the
next day fighting for their freedom. And besides, it's not good policy to say
no to big guys with guns, especially when the guy's army is occupying the
town. This is an interesting, thought-provoking story - sort of a combination
of Mary Shelley and H.H. Munro (Saki) - which means that it has a surprise
ending.
Ratings for "Occupation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Lady Chatterly's Lover" by D.H. Lawrence
http://www.mk.net/~dt/Bibliomania/Fiction/dhl/chat/index.html ).
This novel was first published in 1928 in a privately printed edition in
Italy. I read it when I was in college, mostly because I heard it had been
"banned in Boston." We've come a long way in erotic literature since then;
but this is still an outstanding novel. As a rule of thumb, you should never
pay any attention at all to an English teacher who admires "The Great Gatsby"
and "Daisy Miller" but has never read "Lady Chatterly."
Lady Chatterly is the wife of a British industrialist who has been paralyzed
below the waist by war wounds. D.H. Lawrence was a symbolism nut (His most
famous short story is "The Rocking-Horse Winner," which actually makes it into
libraries and classrooms throughout the United States because the censors
think it's about a kid who likes to ride horses); and Mr. Chatterly serves as
a metaphor for upper-class impotence. Imagine that! They had that problem in
England back in 1928! Constance (Lady) Chatterly finds fulfillment in a
sexual union with Mellors, her husband's gamekeeper. This relationship
expresses the author's belief in the health of physical life freed from social
constraint. At the time he wrote the novel, Lawrence's descriptions of sexual
activity were the most explicit, lyrical descriptions of sex outside the
bible; and this, of course, led to his prosecution for obscenity in the United
States, Britain, and Canada between 1959 and 1962.
The preceding paragraph was adapted from a book report I wrote many years ago,
and which received a grade of "A" in a Catholic college. Imagine that! The
teacher was a priest! Imagine that! He must have liked my references to
symbolism. He thought "Gatsby" and "Miller" sucked donkeys - although he used
a different metaphor that was more common at that time. He's no longer a
priest, but he is married to an ex-nun. Imagine that! I still see him
occasionally; and he says that his only regret is that he didn't marry an ex-
nun whose name was Sister John Thomas. {This is inside humor. There almost
certainly have been several nuns in the United States with that name; and
"Lady Chatterly" is the first place in print where I ever saw the male
genitalia referred to as John Thomas.} Actually, there's a reasonable
possibility that this former mentor might be lurking on a.s.s. and reading
this review. If so, I trust he won't blow my cover. I also wish to apologize
to anyone named Sister John Thomas who happens to read this review.
I DON'T think "Lady Chatterly" is better than some of the other stories that I
have reviewed for this newsgroup. Its appeal arises largely from its
historical significance. On the other hand, it IS still a damned good story,
as this excerpt will demonstrate.
Anyway, if you have never read "Lady Chatterly," you should take this
opportunity to sample Chapter 14 for free. Spectrum gets my Public Service
Award for making this book readily available to the general public.
Ratings for "Lady Chatterly's Lover"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Let Your Fingers Do the Riding" by Solo Polyphony
(solo.polyphony@teamhbbs.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=220128241}
OK, so here's the story. A woman is riding alone in a subway car late at
night. It is very cold. She pulls her arms and hands inside her jacket and
hugs herself to keep warm. One thing leads to another, and pretty soon she's
masturbating. After all, she's alone in the car. She is rapidly approaching
orgasm, when she looks up and sees a man was standing in the aisle about ten
feet away, his eyes riveted on her crotch, the bulge in his pants registering
his interest. Their eyes meet. "Sorry to disturb you," he says, in the most
incredibly gentle voice, "I saw what you were doing from the next car, and I
just couldn't resist coming over to this one for a better look."
What can you do when you're faced with a gentlemanly apology like that? She
does the ladylike thing: "Why don't you have a seat?" Then she continues with
the show. But first she says, "Perhaps you'd like to open your pants and do
likewise?"
What can a guy say after a show like that? "Hundred and Tenth!" the man
exclaims after he ejaculates. "Oh, shit! My stop was 96th!" Ah, the
vicissitudes of life in the Big Apple!
Ratings for "Let Your Fingers Do the Riding"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10