Celestial Reviews 265 - March 11, 1998
Note: A teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
Since it was a lengthy assignment, she started writing high up on the
chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Johnny?"
"Well, teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom! Go to the principal's office immediately!"
stammered the teacher.
Johnny went to the principal's office. As he entered the office, the
secretary was getting something down from on top of the cabinet. Another
boy in the office snickered, and the secretary spun around. and asked,
"What's so funny Billy?"
"Well, Miss Jones, I just saw your bright yellow panties."
"Get out of this office!" Miss Jones shouted. "I'll see to it that you
are suspended for three days."
Embarrassed and frustrated, Johnny eventually entered the principal's
office. The principal was a sexy woman who wore no underpants and was
bending over to pick something up as Johnny entered the office. Johnny
simply turned and walked back out the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" asked Miss Jones.
"Well, Miss Jones, from what I just saw, I'm pretty sure my school days
are over."
Second note: People keep writing to me to ask what happened to my web
site. I DO NOT HAVE A WEB SITE. Several other persons post my reviews
with my permission, but I have no control over or responsibility for
these web sites. I personally think that the easiest place to get my
reviews and the stories I review is Eli's a.s.s.m. archive, but that
site is not working right now. If I had to find one of my reviews or a
story right now, I would look in the a.s.s. or a.s.s.m. postings or in
the Adult Database at www.dejanews.com.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Autobiographical Essay" by Jordan Shelbourne
(development of a sex story) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=329250714
"It's a Wonderful Wife" by Spoonbender (sex slavery)
8, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330253530
"Connections: Laura" by Peter Principle (outdoor sex)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332399758
"Irina" by Mark Aster (sex & political intrigue) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331187975
"Rag Doll" by LeAnna (infidelity & revenge) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332488178
"Rain" by Crimson Dragon (ff bondage) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473326
Guest Reviews:
"Mail Call" by Pan (long-distance sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327043767
"Sacrificial Lamb" by Tiffany (sexual degradation) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=315128607
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=315128602
"Wonder Woman/Captain America: Alpha Child" by Dimitri
(superhero sex) 8, 8, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323349621
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323349639
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323349628
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354335
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354361
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354342
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354348
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354354
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354377
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354371
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354367
"Rag Doll" by LeAnna (bdsm & revenge) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332488178
"Freewheeling Barbara Toys with Boys" By Unknown Author
(older woman & younger guys) 8.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746786 1
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746790 2
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746799 3
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746804 4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331751372 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331751383 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331751399 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331751393 8
"Janey's January" by Janey (swapping husbands)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473347
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330936315
Reposted Reviews:
* "Unwrap Party" by Jordan Shelbourne (jealousy &
romance) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=254289424
* "Skinny Dipping with My Maiden Aunt" by Day Dreamer
(emerging adolescence) 9, 9.5, 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746752
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746743
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746771
* "Being Taught a Lesson" by Anonymous (orgy) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746726
* "Connections: Kristen (1974)" by Peter V. Principle
(infidelity) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=163638762
* "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net" by Lysander
(really unusual cybersex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=270920874
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"Autobiographical Essay" by Jordan Shelbourne (jordan@u36.com).
As its title suggests, this is more of an essay than a short
story, but it's still a darned good story. The story is
essentially a case study in which the author describes how he
concocted events from real life to write "Unwrap Party," a very
sexy story that he posted back when I first encountered this
author's work on a.s.s
I would suggest reading or rereading "Unwrap Party" before the
present story.
Ratings for "Autobiographical Essay"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"It's a Wonderful Wife" by Spoonbender
(Theodore@Spoonbender.demon.co.uk). This is a sex slavery story,
but it doesn't start out that way. It actually poses an
interesting dilemma - what would a relatively straight, attractive
woman do if she took a job in an isolated place where it was
disclosed to her that part of her job description was to provide
sexual merriment for all the horny men who worked there?
The author uses effective language; in fact, he often displays a
very nice way of expressing himself. However, he also
occasionally mars the story with silly and annoying grammar
errors.
Could something like this happen in real life? I'll answer that
question with another. Can you imagine how wealthy a woman could
become by suing the oil company that permitted this kind of
activity among its employees?
Ratings for "It's a Wonderful Wife"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Connections: Laura" by Peter Principle (PeterPrin@hotmail.com). This
is part of the author's series entitled "Connections," a series of
personal reminisces, by a guy whose libido was a lot higher than his
wife's. I've reviewed one other story in this series, and I'll repost
the review.
In this episode, the narrator has gone camping with a group of runners
the night before a big run, and the woman who accompanied his partner
says to him, "I don't really want to sleep alone, and Paul snores. Can I
share your platform?" Why sure....
This story deals with two of my favorite experiences: making love under
the stars in a place that's so far away from cities that there seem to
be so many more stars and sex during a race. I've tried both, but this
story describes only one. Sex during the race would be impractical
during a 20-mile race anyway - too much possibility of cramps.
This is a very sexy story.
Ratings for "Laura"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Irina" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). This story is greatly
different from what we normally expect from this author. It combines
sex and political intrigue - a combination that will obviously be
unfamiliar to American and British readers. It's an exceptionally well
written story, but too complex for me to attempt to summarize here.
Don't let that scare you away. It's an excellent, sexy story.
Ratings for "Irina"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Rag Doll" by LeAnna (kalika@main.provost.msu.edu). Although it still
has a few minor errors {e.g., "had bore" for "had borne"}, this is an
extremely creative, well-written story.
In a sense, this is a spouse-watching story. The wife knows her husband
has been cheating on her. She has confronted the Other Woman - in fact,
she has had sex with the other woman while extracting the details of the
liaison from her. Now she has handcuffed her husband and is retelling
the those details to him, while she forces him to pleasure her.
What I like best about this story is that it does NOT make the naive
assumption that the wife who catches her husband cheating will forgive
him, as long as she can join in on the fun. But the way in which the
author declines to make this assumption is very creative indeed.
I trust my husband. I really do. But I have jokingly told him that if
he ever messes around on me, I'll scratch the other woman's eyes out and
then cut off his dick. This lady may have a better idea.
{Note: A guest reviewer also submitted a spontaneous review for
this story. Therefore, there is a second review of this story
later in this issue of CR.}
Ratings for "Rag Doll"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Rain" by Crimson Dragon (crimson@yahoo.com). Kat has to have a talk
with Leanne. She doesn't want to do it. She really doesn't. But she
has to.
I won't tell you what Kat is so nervous to discuss with Leanne, but I
will mention that after the conversation Leanne handcuffs Kat to a large
oak tree near their cabin and makes love to her in the rain. It's
really pretty sexy!
I felt that the author over-used the technique of employing sentence
fragments to denote disjointed thoughts. Like this. Especially when the
fragments are not parallel. To give the impression of disjointed
thinking. Perhaps. It's a legitimate approach, and the author does it
better than I did in the previous "sentences"; but I just think maybe
the author should be a little more selective in the use of this method.
Ratings for "Rain"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Mail Call" by Pan (pan@nym.alias.net). Guest review by Bookman.
This will be short and sweet.
A young collegian receives a videotape from the girlfriend he left home.
She shows a short travelogue of places they both know well--then
continues with a private tour.
Not much more than that, but--oh, baby.
I liked this story. Short, clean, compact, and, for all that the two
main partners never even come close to touching each other, remarkably
hot. A well-written little narration.
Ratings for "Mail Call"
Athena (general appeal): 9
Aphrodite (erotic appeal): 9
Apollo (personal appeal): 9
"Sacrificial Lamb" by Tiffany. Guest Review by Piper. {Note from
Celeste: among some old notes I found this review that I must have
failed to post. I reviewed this same story a couple of issues ago
and gave it a much more negative rating. In the interest of
fairness, I thought I should post this review as well.}
This story starts with Gwen and her husband experiencing financial
difficulties. No, worse than that, they have watched their life
savings, and everything they possess, get flushed down the toilet
of his crazy business venture, in dribs and drabs, over the
course of many moons. Finally, they have almost literally nothing
left except the clothes on their backs. No home, no car, no
furniture, nothing. The husband jets off overseas where a job
awaits, but money won't be forthcoming for several months. Maybe
just in time to move back home and get their foxy daughter Ginger
back into her old high school for the start of the next school
year.
Without a home, Gwen and Ginger are forced to beg for aid from
Gwen's sister Gloria and brother-in-law Hank. Well, forced may be
too strong a word for it. Gwen has somehow managed to alienate or
distance herself from anyone else who might have offered
assistance. Her filthy little imagination has been hard at work,
and has been surreptitiously guiding her actions. You see, Gwen
has a history with her sister, and not a pretty one. Subjected,
sexually used and abused, and forced into virtual servitude is the
type of history most people would try to forget, and they would
try to avoid the perpetrator like the plague. Not Gwen.
Especially since she knew Hank had raped one of their nieces.
You see, she doesn't see herself in the role of abuse victim any
more. Not with her sister or with Hank. No, she was a teenager
when most of that happened. Instead, she sees her daughter in the
role - raped by her brother-in-law, abused, misused, and probably
(hopefully!) even made pregnant with Hank's bastard. Those images
are in her mind the whole time, getting more vivid and insistent
with each passing hour. But what about Ginger, the obedient,
understanding, virginal, and very desirable young lady who just
turned sixteen?
On the long bus ride down from Cloverdale (somewhere in Canada) to
backwoods Arkansas, Gwen explains to her daughter that things will
probably be quite difficult. There will be strange events
occurring. It's a different place, and she will have to develop
some sort of fantasy, or story, or something, to help her cope
with what Gwen knows will be happening. This might happen to her,
and that will probably happen to her, and the other thing will
definitely happen to her. Imagine the worst, she says.
Well, the worst does happen, but definitely not in the way Gwen
pictured in her perverted little mind. What happens to Gwen
probably shouldn't happen to a dog. Well, maybe it should only
happen to a dog. Or to a woman who offered up her daughter as a
... (read the title).
I like this story. It's well-written, it's coherent, and it's one
that made me want to read right to the end. Even through the
disgusting bits. The few flaws I found were minor and in no way
interfered with the story. Be warned - this is no warm, fuzzy
romance. It's not a love story. No heroic prince comes to the
rescue. The sex is difficult and mostly non-consensual, although
it's not contested. Well, mostly not. That last bit out back of
the trailer was very much vocally protested, even though Gwen
couldn't fight back physically. And it was definitely disgusting.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that Gloria has kids - four boys,
hellions, aged 14, 12, 11, and 10. They don't figure in Gwen's
imaginings. However ...
As somebody-or-other once said, the best laid plans of something-
or-other often go wrong (my modern English version - the original,
I think, is gang aft agley). Be ready for a story that will haunt
your dreams and fantasies.
Ratings for "Sacrificial Lamb":
Technical merit 10
Plot & character 10
Appeal to reviewer 10
"Wonder Woman/Captain America: Alpha Child" by Dimitri
(dimitri_resides@hotmail.com). Guest review by Tooshoes.
Like the Wonder Woman TV show, Alpha Child is set in WWII days.
Most of the action takes place in Germany, where the Nazis were
more advanced than our history books tell us. They had already
perfected the technologies of sex-androids and inter-dimensional
travel. They also have orifice-seeking tentacle monsters and lots
of super-heroes, heroines and villains. Otherwise, this story
captures the feel of an authentic WWII story.
The plot in a nutshell: The Nazis want to destroy the two American
superheroes by any means sexual, while at the same time mating the
two, creating an offspring that would supposedly be the perfect
genetic specimen. So the trick is capturing and controlling the
heroes, which turns out to be surprisingly easy, especially when
you consider how long this story is (about equivalent to 100
paperback pages).
There are several intriguing subplots in Alpha Child, but these
are bogged down by highly repetitive sexual adventures, mostly
involving rape, mind control (via Wonder Woman's magic lasso) and
strange creatures (androids and tentacle monsters). This story
fails to treat these fetishes in a fresh way, and the sex
scenarios do nothing to move the plot along. But I did get a few
laughs from the androids, and their naive and totally logical
approach towards sex.
The plot picks up quickly in the last few pages, ending strong,
but for me, it was too little, too late.
Ratings for "Wonder Woman/Captain America"
Grammar and Style: 8
Plot & Character: 8
Appeal to Reviewer: 6
"Rag Doll" by LeAnna (leanna1@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Stephen Peters (sxjames@aol.com). This story is archived at the
author's site: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Academy/2194/
She's beautiful and sexy, has a good house in an upscale suburban
neighborhood, but her oh-so-successful husband has been up to no
good. Specifically, he's been screwing his secretary. What's a
gal to do? Well, she gets revenge. And, in 300 or so lines,
LeAnna shows us revenge at its sweetest, sexiest -- and its most
poignant.
I really liked this story, not the least because of the detailed,
lush and very erotic seduction/teasing scene that makes up the
bulk of the tale. The un-named wife meets her husband (Todd) in
the bedroom after work, but instead of the promised sex Todd ends
up handcuffed to the bed post while his wife describes in
extended, delicious detail her conversation (and later sex) with
the woman he had been fucking on the side. To add to the hot talk
she climbs all over Todd's body, mercilessly teasing the poor
fool, driving Todd (not to mention this reviewer) to the point of
leaking...well, you get the idea. Yes, she lets Todd know
*exactly* what he is throwing away by his infidelity. And throw
it away he does. You see, the true strength of this story is that
Todd never really believes what is coming. He seems to think if
he apologizes and gets his cum it will all be better. Poor fool.
Technically, the story rates a 9. There was one typo, (she
'tasted' the tinge of her husbands cum in his lovers pussy, not
'felt') and a few awkward sentences, but this did not seriously
distract from my enjoyment. Again, the interplay between Todd and
his wife was excellent, and the dialog rang true -- solid 10 for
plot and character. All in all, I highly recommend this tale, and
hope to read a lot more from this author.
Ratings for "Rag Doll"
Technical Quality: 9
Plot & Character: 10
Appeal to Reviewer: 10
"Freewheeling Barbara toys with Boys" by Unknown Author (reposted
by The Storyteller (storyteller@hempseed.com). Guest review by
Dave Myers.
This oldie-but-goodie has recently been reposted. I can remember
when it was sent out over Usenet the first time. Ah yes! 1993...a
time when a.s.s. had mostly stories instead of
advertisements...when there were new messages regularly in
r.a.e... Moral of the story: sometimes the best porn is old porn.
Want to read about a multidimensional female character ? She stops
to think about things other than sex once in a while. Want to get
good tips on how to write for a female character conscious of her
sexuality in ways other than, "Gee, I'm horny..." ? Go no further.
Plot synopsis: Barbara, a divorcee, has pent up sexual energy. In
the story, we see this released "in character". In other words,
she thinks about her actions, and in many ways this makes for
better (and sometimes more erotic) reading than the bump-and-grind
scenes. This is a slight, but welcome, departure from the
housewife-turned-crazed-animal shtick.
Enter Barbara's son. I should mention there are a small number of
typos in this very long story. One is quite hilarious, concerning
Barbara's son:
"My own sin will be eighteen next week!"
Another typo later replaces "bother" for "brother" with similar
effects.
Of course, Barbara and son have thoughts for each other, but this
writer knows how to use the tension to advantage, and builds up
the steam gradually, with near misses along the way.
After a number of steamy encounters, we see that Barbara is still
quite attractive to younger guys, and she gets plenty of
attention. The sex is hot, and Barbara experiences many new
things. At one point, even, a glass bottle and a salami get used
as dildos (hence, the word TOYS in the title). For some people,
this may be a great thing, but for me it goes a little too far.
Still, I can only marginally penalize the writer for an otherwise
nice piece of work.
Rating: 8.5
"Janey's January" by Janey. Guest review by Sandman.
(sandman@bitsmart.com).
I have certain preferences when it comes to the stories I like to read.
I love a story where there's an overall flavor of reality; I love a
story where I can get to know the principals before everyone starts
hopping into bed; and I really love well written stories that combine
both of the above. This story most definitely qualifies as all of the
above.
Janey, who is married to Bob, is talking to Beth who is married to Steve
when Beth says Steve has a crush on Janey. What follows is a rather
long flirtation filled with excitement, humor and doubt before the
inevitable happens along with an expected twist at the end. OK, the sex
wasn't the hottest thing ever written, but the story attempted a flavor
of reality and in reality sex is rarely earth shattering and life-
changing.
Actually this summary really doesn't do this story justice. It's like
analyzing a Steven King novel. Break down a Steven King plot and you're
going to be laughing your ass off; the trick is all in how ole Mr. King
manages to write so folksy he can blind you to the improbability of what
is actually happening. Janey makes this husband-swapping story
believable and very fun in much the same way Mr. King can make us
believe a car can be possessed. The devil of course is in the details,
and that's exactly where this story shines.
Now here is a personal note to the author and would-be authors: In this
day and age there's no excuse not to have an e-mail box so that readers
(like me) can read these stories and write a short note that hopefully
will encourage more such stories. Free e-mail boxes can be obtained at
hotmail.com, lycos.com, yahoo.com, and the granddaddy of them all
juno.com. Writers, being a creative lot should have no trouble
inventing fictional "real" names and addresses these sites ask for. You
can even visit www.netforward.com and set up a forwarding address to get
that last measure of control over your anonymity.
This is exactly the sort of story I'd read and then sit down to write a
short note to the author saying how much I enjoyed it and how much I
look forward to seeing future stories. Since I've been deprived of that
I guess this review will have to suffice; I just hope Janey reads the
CR!
Since Celeste has found out we're neighbors she's been sending me an
awful lot of really good stories (probably in hopes of keeping me so
busy reading good stories I don't have time to write the Celeste's wine
bottle chapter). This one definitely ranks among the best of the best
that I've reviewed. It's certainly getting my recommendation as a good
read.
Ratings for "Janey's January"
Athena (technical quality): 10 - A few easily overlooked problems.
Venus (plot & character): 10 - Real life that works.
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 - Definitely my style.
* "Unwrap Party" by Jordan Shelbourne (johnmc@mks.com). Sarah is
jealous because Richard is flirting with Crista at the party; and
so she takes up with Ben in order to make Richard reciprocally
jealous. The author does an excellent job of examining the
feelings of Ben and Sarah without being the least bit boring. As
the story evolves, it becomes obvious that Sarah's and Ben's
affection for each other is genuine and also that Sarah has a
major problem with feelings of inadequacy. She is preoccupied
with having an orgasm, and these very thoughts interfere with her
big bang.
This is an outstanding story. The author has a way of describing
extremely hot sex so that the reader can almost feel it happening,
and he shows a real understanding of emotions. I am definitely
going to watch for more stories by this author.
Ratings for "Unwrap Party"
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Skinny Dipping with My Maiden Aunt" by Day Dreamer. Because of his
mother's job, the 15-year-old narrator of this story has to stay with
Aunt Sue on Grandpa's farm just outside town. The main difficulty is
that they have only two bedrooms, and so he has to sleep with Aunt Sue
in her big double bed. Talk about a transparent plot! Actually the
situation not all that difficult: Aunt Sue is beautiful and the narrator
has a deep and abiding interest in losing his virginity as soon as
possible.
In spite of sharing the bed with his aunt, Donny is initially virtuous,
settling for simple wet dreams in which his imaginary partners look a
lot like his bed-mate. When they go swimming, they initially wear their
underwear, but it's hard to hide a hard-on in a skimpy bathing suit, and
Sue's panties, do not remain opaque when they get wet. As I said, talk
about a transparent plot! Well, opacity having been eliminated, Sue
decides that it will be OK to go skinny dipping if Donny would like to
go swimming again. Boy, would he! And remember, we mustn't tell Mom.
And, of course, there's a rule: "Everyone can look all they want, but no
handling the merchandise."
I guess if the U.S. Constitution can be amended and if the Berlin Wall
can come down, we should not be surprised that the Rules of Skinny
Dipping can change; and they do. It gets to be pretty hot stuff. The
New Rule is that touching and its concomitants should take place only in
the pool at the creek, certainly not in bed, where they sleep and have
mutual wet dreams together. Eventually the New Rule gets modified with
a simple codicil that says it will be OK for them to mutually take each
other's virginity. And maybe it would be OK to do it in bed if they
were really quiet and didn't wake Grandpa, who seems to be pretty much
deaf and senile anyway. As the song says, "Life gets complicated when
you get past fourteen...." This is a very good story.
Ratings for "Skinny Dipping with My Maiden Aunt"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
* "Being Taught a Lesson" by Anonymous. {Storyteller lists this
story as originally published in 1990. If anyone knows the name
of the real author, I'd like to know it.}
Julie is an 18-year-old who gets caught by her mother having sex
with her boyfriend while her cousin Ann is slurping up her
clitoris. The boyfriend gets sent home, and the girls go to their
rooms. Then Mom surprises them by first giving them a sex
questionnaire downloaded from alt.sex.something and then taking
them to an orgy house where the two girls learn to have sex the
right way. There's not much to say about this story: it's a well-
written, hot story about two girls having a wild coming-out party.
Ratings for "Being Taught a Lesson"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Connections: Kirsten (1974)" by Peter V. Principle
(an347524@anon.penet.fi). The author says that "Connections" is a
series of essentially true accounts, although in some cases names,
dates, places, and other minor details have been fudged in an
attempt to retain some degree of anonymity for those involved. In
this episode the narrator is on a camping trip with three women
and a man. They are sleeping in a pitch dark van - packed in like
sardines, with his sleeping bag opening toward his friend's wife.
And so he pulls the moral equivalent of an adolescent yawn in a
movie theater: he moves his hand into the chasm between them, just
to see if she is interested in responding. She is. Matters
escalate. Can anyone else tell what is going on?
Would anyone else in the van be able tell what is going on? Maybe
not, assuming the others all lack the ability to both detect
sounds and to detect odors - or assuming the friend's wife is
dead. I've tried; I have concluded that I cannot reach orgasm
undetected in the same room with other people unless there's a
partition ( front seat vs. back seat of a car will do) or unless
the others are sound asleep (as in the case of children sleeping
on the floor next to our bed in a motel room). I've tried it on
both the fucking end and the listening end. I've been as quiet as
a church mouse and so have the people who have tried to evade my
notice. It doesn't work. Can't be done - - unless the others are
thoroughly distracted by something else, such as a really good
movie or a sermon in church. Hmmm... I guess that means it CAN be
done. Never mind.
Anyway, they just pet that night; but they get together for real
sex shortly thereafter. He comes; she doesn't; but she's happy;
and as time goes on she learns new things. This isn't a story
with a real plot; it's what lit teachers used to call "a slice of
life." This approach sometimes give a greater impression of being
"true" than a story with a "better plot."
Ratings for "Kirsten (1974)"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net" by Lysander
(lysander@bitsmart.com). Every once in a while I get the silly
idea that I have seen all the possible basic plots on this
newsgroup. I think I'm going to stop having that silly idea.
The narrator of this story is essentially a lunatic with special
powers - like being able to find his lost keys without even
praying to St. Anthony. It turns out that one of his special
powers is being able to insert pointed parts of his anatomy into
the computer when he dials up those Internet sex lines that occupy
so much of the spam space on a.s.s. Well, as you can imagine, he
gets a Golden Membership and lives happily ever after.
It's even more interesting when you read it the way the author
wrote it.
Ratings for "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK: HYPHENS. The most common use of a hyphen used
to be to split a long word into two parts at the end of a line.
However, with the advent of the computer, writers rarely worry about
this usage anymore. That's because (1) word-processing programs
hyphenate automatically with remarkable accuracy and (2) many writers no
longer bother splitting words at all. If you do split words by hand, be
sure to follow these three simple rules:
(1) Don't leave just one letter before the hyphen.
(2) Don't hyphenate so that there are fewer than three letters on the
subsequent line.
(3) Hyphenate only between syllables.
(4) If a word already has a hyphen, split it at that hyphen or not at
all..
(5) Do not split words where the hyphen would cause confusion. For
example, "her-oism" would be confusing. Use "hero-ism" instead.
A second usage of hyphens is to join several words into one. For
examples, we do this with numbers (e.g., twenty-one, one-fourth). In
addition to numbers, the following are occasions when hyphens are
appropriate:
(1) Use a hyphen to form a compound adjective when you want the two
words to be considered a single idea.
a well-known prostitute
a well-fucked pussy
an out-of-date dildo
full-fledged blowjob
your cock-sucking cousin
end-of-the-century romantic literature
The above rule applies only when the adjective precedes the noun. If
the adjective follows a copulative (linking) verb, omit the hyphen.
The prostitute was well known.
Her pussy was well fucked.
My dildo is out of date.
The purpose of this rule is to enable readers to avoid confusion.
Readers who see the hyphen will easily join together two words that they
would normally tend to separate. Since almost all words that end in -ly
are adverbs that modify the following word, a hyphen is not necessary
with adverbs that end in -ly.
a highly regarded prostitute
a slightly fucked pussy
(2) Use a hyphen for coined expressions, when you want to make sure
readers will put all the words in the expression together.
She gave him a go-ahead-and-fuck-me look.
(3) Use a hyphen with some prefixes. For example, if a prefix precedes
a word that is capitalized, use a hyphen after the prefix.
un-American
anti-British
Some prefixes almost always use a hyphen. You can identify these by
looking in a good dictionary. The most common are
ex-
self-
semi-
half-
quasi-
ex-boyfriend
ex-lover
ex-masturbator
self-stimulation
half-assed idiot
half-completed blowjob
semi-literate Australian whore (also semi-literate
kangaroo-fucking Australian whore)
(4) Sometimes it is useful to use a hyphen to prevent confusion or
ambiguity.
Who is your favorite comic-strip hero? {Without the hyphen, a
reader might think that the hero is a stripper.}
a pre-existing disease {without the hyphen, the reader would be
likely to try to run the two e's together into a single
syllable.}
Exceptions and problems:
Sometimes words become so closely associated that the hyphen is dropped,
and the two words become a single word (e.g., motherfucker, not mother-
fucker or mother fucker. If the words were written the latter two ways,
they would have a slightly different meaning - for example, there may be
a daughter who is a fucker, and her mom might be a mother fucker.). The
best way to tell if the combination has become a single word is to check
a current dictionary. Another way is to type it as a single word and
then let your spellcheck tell you whether this usage is correct.
Finally, even when hyphens are appropriate, there has been a tendency in
recent years to permit writers to omit them. {That is, well fucked
pussies, without the hyphen, have become increasingly common, even among
refined English teachers.} However, if the omission would cause
confusion, use the hyphens.
Recently someone called my husband a goddam motherfuckin' sonuvabitch
cocksucker - with no hyphens at all. Years ago, he would have been
called a god-damned mother-fucking son-of-a-bitch cock-sucker. Note
that even nowadays it would be necessary to use at least one hyphen to
call him a goddam motherfuckin' sonuvabitch half-assed cocksucker.
Likewise, I need a hyphen to refer to him as a good-looking goddam
motherfuckin' sonuvabitch cocksucker.
Remember: the whole purpose of the hyphen is to prevent confusion by
showing that words or parts of words belong together.
VOCABULARY HELP: LITERALLY. The word "literally" does not mean
"emphatically." Nor does it mean "figuratively"; in fact it means the
opposite of figuratively. It means "according to the exact meaning of
the word(s)." Therefore, don't use the word unless you want people to
take as true exactly what you are saying.
My sister is literally a whore. {This means she really does
compensation for engaging in sexual activities.}
She literally wore me out with her sexual antics. {This is
plausible. This means the speaker was truly exhausted after
the activity.}
He literally fucked my brains out. {This is improbable, unless
gray matter appeared externally during the fuckation.}
She literally fucked him to death. {This is possible, but only
if sexual activity led to the gentleman's demise.}
Her breasts were literally the size of basketballs. {This can be
empirically verified by checking with Spaulding.}
She literally ate me out. {This might actually be a clever thing
to
say if she bedecked his cock with chocolate syrup or other
comestibles prior to oral stimulation.}
That guy is literally one big motherfucker. {This is true only if
he actually does indulge with his mama. Otherwise, say
"certainly."
"Fuck you!" she said.
"I hope you mean that literally," he replied.
I know of one sportscaster who uses the word literally thousands of
times a year, and almost always incorrectly. The word "literally" was
used incorrectly in the preceding sentence. Unless he really uses the
word incorrectly at least a couple of thousand times a year, I should
have said "he seems to use the word incorrectly thousands of times a
year" - or I could have simply settled for some other expression, such
as "very often" or "almost as often as the pope shits in the woods."