Celestial Reviews 258 - February 14, 1998
Note: The five worst things about being a penis:
1. You have a hole in your head.
2. You have a permanent ring around the collar.
3. Your neighbors are two nuts and an asshole.
4. Your best friend is a cunt.
5. Every time you get excited you throw up!
Second note: A woman was picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the
famous basketball player, known for his rebounding ability and his body
art.
They liked each other and the women went back with him to his hotel
room. He removed his shirt, revealing all of his tattoos; and she saw
that on his right arm was a tattoo that said, "Reebok". She thought that
was a bit odd and asked him about it.
Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the
tattoo, and so Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants came off; and she saw "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to the
corner of the room. Rodman asked, "What's wrong?"
The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tattoo on his penis
which read "AIDS" . Finally she said, "I'm not going to do it with a guy
who has AIDS!"
Rodman said, "It's cool, baby. Don't worry, in a minute it's going to
say, "ADIDAS".
Third note: I think the Story Links have been a useful addition. The
Bear supplied the first set of links for me, and Sandman has been
supplying them more recently. I would appreciate it if the guest
reviewers would continue to supply this information if they stumble
across it while reviewing a story. This assistance saves us some time.
Fourth note: I have had several requests for my Celestial List of
Credulous Assumptions. So here they are:
1. It is usually possible for a woman to estimate the size of a man's
fully engorged cock by gazing at his crotch when he is unaroused and
fully dressed and over ten yards/meters away.
2. Without the use of scientific instruments men can easily estimate
the size of women's breasts from across the room, even if the woman is
fully dressed. {Actually, this is no big deal, since nearly all
attractive women have 38DD bust sizes anyway.}
3. The normal sequence of sexual experiences is first petting, then
oral sex, then anal sex, then vaginal sex - usually all on the same
date.
4. The first boy to touch a girl's breasts will come in each of her
three orifices within the next hour.
5. Most women would intensely enjoy sexual contact with another woman,
but most men would not enjoy sexual contact with another man, even if
cultural biases were eliminated.
6. Children who have sex with their parents normally enjoy this
activity and grow up to be emotionally mature honor roll students who
will contribute to scientific research and to world peace.
7. Ditto for sex with older siblings, kindly neighbors, and random
strangers.
8. When sons, daughters, little brothers, or little sisters ask
questions about sex, the best way to answer their questions is to show
them, using their bodies as part of the demonstration.
9. When a spouse or lover catches his/her partner having sex with
someone else, the typical response is to join in.
10. Women typically have multiple orgasms during every fulfilling
sexual encounter.
11. Middle-aged men can typically have sex with copious ejaculations
several times a day for several days in a row.
10 & 11a. Women and men that can do so are happier and better sex
partners than those who have fewer orgasms.
12. Kids can go blind if they masturbate too often. {Ooops. That one
belongs on a different newsgroup!}
13. Kids who do not masturbate at least daily are severely disturbed.
14. It is important to pop a person's cherry before she gets out of
high school {or gets into high school, has her first date, gets married,
buys her first car, etc.}
15. Women typically enjoy getting raped, once they get over their
inhibitions.
16. Men who force women to have sex with them are sexy.
17. People can be turned into sex slaves by college kids who read a
chapter in a psych book. {Either that or some of these stories are
written by Psych profs who are really desperate to motivate their
students to read a chapter in their text book.}
18. If you ever get turned into a sex slave, it will be the best thing
that ever happened to you.
19. The typical male ejaculation shoots at least 12 inches through the
air {unless the penis is inserted into a receptacle which will terminate
this expulsion. In this case the ejaculate lands with the impact of a
speeding bullet.}
20. Most women ejaculate at least a pint of luscious fluid during a
really enjoyable sexual experience.
21. Most people get turned on when their partner treats them with
extreme cruelty for the partner's own personal gratification.
22. Most black men have "monster cocks." These 12- to 14-inch penises
will thrill any pussy (or other aperture) lucky enough to receive one.
Black women, however, do not have "monster cunts," nor do they appear to
be all that interested in the genitalia of their black brethren. Hence
the reciprocal fondness between black men and white women, especially
those known as sluts.
23. The family that fucks together stays together.
24. It's more fun to have sexual intercourse when there's a genuine
risk of pregnancy. Offspring resulting from unprotected intercourse of
minors tend to be sexy honor students by the time they reach middle
school.
25. Nuns {and English teachers, librarians, etc.} are really sexual
dynamos.
26. Ain't nothing wrong with most frigid women that a riding crop won't
cure.
27. Guys who go without underpants and have sex several times a day do
not develop a nasty rash.
28. Male doctors get their rocks off during physical examinations of
female patients. Female doctors have multiple orgasms whenever they
examine a beautiful person of either sex.
29. A girl will get her first orgasm from her first intercourse,
usually within minutes after having her hymen torn.
30. Most young girls are looking for experienced men to train them in
sexual practices. They want to start but they don't know anything about
it. When they find these instructors, they will say things like, "Yes,
eat my pussy now!" {Which is a strange request from somebody that
doesn't know anything about sexual practices.}
31. Most women who find that their husbands want to turn them out to
their friends respond, "Sounds like fun."
32. Most boys who are forced to act the part of a girl find that they
love the role. Unless this happens for the first time in a penal
institution other than school.
33. Parents routinely leave their bedroom doors ajar when they intend
to have sex, and kids do so when they intend to masturbate, which they
do noisily above the bed sheets.
34. Nobody ever farts while making love. Especially not during anal
intercourse. And even if they do, its never one of those rancid ones
that linger on and on. And even if it is, the partner thinks its sexy.
35. No one ever gets a cramp while making love. For that matter, no one
ever sneezes or has a nose so filled with snot that it's impossible to
breathe, much less give a blowjob.
36. The woman's vagina never makes that 'farting' noise due to trapped
air in there. If she does, this causes immediate orgasm in both
partners.
37. Nobody ever forgets to wipe his/her ass prior to having it licked,
which is unfortunate, because most people absolutely love the taste of
human feces.
38. The woman never says "Ouch! I wasn't ready! I'm too dry!" If she
thinks she wants to say these things, she instead says, "Fuck me
harder!"
39. Men don't turn over and go to sleep immediately after sex.
40. Women don't fall asleep at the beginning of sex, when they feel so
comfortable and relaxed, and they can just let themselves go.... If they
do fall asleep, their partner regards this as a compliment.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Zero G" by Sandman (sci fi detective sex) 9, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8350.txt
"Raga" by Taria (oriental sex fantasy) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8404.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8405.txt
"Still Rejected by Penthouse Forum" by OddManOut
Anywhere (humorous wild orgy) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8216.txt
"Pidge's Story" Jordan Shelbourne (poignant threesome)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8437.txt
Guest Reviews:
"A Lover's Tail" by Emerson Laken-Palmer (teen incest) 9, 7, 6
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8207.txt.
"Laura and Me" by The Light Within (phone sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7840.txt
"In the Mirror" by Mary Westbourne (vague bdsm) 9, 3, 7
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8245.txt
"Dick Thruster and the Passion Pirates" By Nikos Ravoni
(Spaceman Spiff sex) 10,10,10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8408.txt
Reposted Reviews:
* "Slippery When Wet" by SueNH (sex in jacuzzi) 10, 10, 10
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"Zero G" by Sandman (1998 sandman@bitsmart.com). Sandman's
stories are archived at
ftp://asstr.ml.org/pub/Authors/sandman/index.html.
This is the third story posted to this newsgroup in which Steve
Whiley has appeared. I rated "Starlight" among my Top Stories of
January. I have not yet reviewed "Double Blind"; but if these
other two stories are any indication, that's a serious omission
that I had better correct.
Although this is technically and primarily a mystery story, it's
also the ultimate "mile-high-sex" story - sex in a moving space
vehicle (actually a modified asteroid) on its way to Mars. Hence
the title.
Ever since I learned about space travel and sex, I have wondered
about what it would be like to experience sex in a weightless
environment. Since I learned about weightlessness from Sister
Mary Tight Ass, you can easily imagine that the topic did not come
up in the classroom discussion. However, the fact that the first
American woman in space was named Sally Ride did cause a titter to
pass among us. At the time even giggled that the Russian women
were probably having sex in space - but probably with other women.
And so it was with great interest that I sat down at my computer
to read about Steve and Trish, with their potential for 40-
million-mile-high sex. The trip is scheduled to take eight weeks.
It turns out that the only real way to have sex in space is
orally: copulation is so difficult it isn't worth doing.
But midway into the trip, Dr. Ernest Vance, a wormhole researcher
from Harvard, is murdered. Since he is an ex-cop and a private
investigator, Steve is assigned to investigate the crime. Trish
serves as his faithful psychic - er, sidekick. She plays Watson
to Steve's Holmes - with the notable difference that she gets
sexually turned on while discussing clues.
Steve solves the crime, of course; and a reporter even tries to
purchase the VR rights to the story. The sex plays little real
part in the story; it's just background - very nice background.
This is a very good detective story. By that I mean the clues
actually make sense. Even if you don't figure out who did it
before the author tells you <*>, the clues make sense when the
Great Detective explains how he figured it out. In addition, the
science makes sense: the information regarding gravity seems to be
accurate, even though the wormhole notion is a flight of fantasy,
if you'll pardon the pun.
<*> = I sort of figured it out, but that doesn't mean I'd be a
good detective. When I read or watch detective stories, I tend to
wonder why the author is telling me something and what would offer
the best ending. Since real detectives deal with facts rather
than fiction, they don't have this luxury.
This story offered another candidate for the accidental quote of
the month: "He (the deceased) was a hard man...." As they say, a
hard man is good to find.
Although the author generally writes very well, this story has
several minor problems. For example, he confuses compliment for
complement. discrete discreet, and fiancee for fiance. {I think I
had better dig out my old grammar column.} However, these minor
errors do not significantly detract from the overall story.
Fucking through a wormhole - now THERE'S a possibility for a
sequel.
Ratings for "Zero G"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Raga" by Taria (tariat@aol.com). Taria's stories are archived at
http://members.aol.com/TariaT.
The prince is having a session with a new girl from his harem. She's
young and inexperienced, but also extraordinarily adept at the arts of
love. The prince is enchanted by her, and the sex is really hot. The
exotic atmosphere enhances the lovemaking.
But this story actually takes place in the imagination of someone else,
who is making love in a much more mundane setting. The contrast
enhances the impact of the sexual activities.
This is a very good story, but my description does not do it justice.
This is a creative - almost poetic - story that is simply hard to
describe. Take a look at it yourself. I doubt that you'll be
disappointed.
Ratings for "Raga"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Still Rejected by Penthouse Forum" by OddManOut Anywhere
(oddman0ut@hotmail.com). The woman who presumably wrote this
letter and her husband have been fantasizing about her having sex
with another man. Of course (as my credulous assumptions would
suggest) this turns them both on tremendously, and they determine
to give it a try in real life at that American Mecca of sexuality
- a dude ranch in Montana. Polly really wants to fuck Gus the
Cowboy, but she can't see it in her heart to leave out any of the
other delectable ranch hands {or is that raunch hands?}, and so
(another credulous assumption), hubby suggests a gangbang. And so
it goes. When she runs out of cowboys, she has them round up a
doggie for her. And yes, next she takes it up the nose. {Is that
even possible?} Then she does it with a fish; and then.... Well,
you wouldn't believe it anyway.
Needless to say, that was just the beginning of a wild week for Polly
and George at the dude ranch in Montana. What I'd like to know is why
Penthouse would turn down a letter like this.
As in his past efforts, the author continues to parody real Penthouse
Forum letters by using creative euphemisms to describe sexual
activities, by making somewhat exaggerated claims about sexual exploits
(some of which may be untrue), by writing "George and I" when it should
be "George and me," and by generally sounding like a naive ditz who is
trying to appear sophisticated in the eyes of the Forum editor.
Ratings for "Still Rejected by Penthouse Forum"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Pidge's Story" Jordan Shelbourne (jordan@u36.com). Jordan Shelbourne's
stories are archived at http://www.u36.com/jordan.
This story combines elements of spouse watching stories (actually,
boyfriend watching) with realistic emotions of ambivalence and jealousy.
Although spouse watching stories are often quite enjoyable in their own
right, they usually make the assumption that watching your lover boink
someone else has no effect other than to turn the viewer on. In this
story, the viewer does get turned on, but there are some other emotions
as well.
The author hints at the beginning of the story that this story is not
quite complete; and I suspect that this really means that he is not yet
quite satisfied with the way he has handled these emotions. I think
that problem arises from the fact that those emotions would be just
plain hard to sort out. As it stands, I think he has done a very good
job with this story.
Pidge has decided to break up with her boyfriend Ben, and she is doing
this by introducing him to a threesome with her friend Mary. The sex is
both hot and poignant.
Ratings for "Pidge's Story"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Lover's Tail" by Emerson Laken-Palmer (Sxjames@aol.com). Guest review
by Dart.
Amber and Brian are two very horny teenagers that live with their
mother, and the "family servant," Jenny. Jenny, bless her heart,
recognizes how horny the two teenagers are and generously provides each
of them with sexual satisfaction before introducing them to each other
in a fashion not generally thought appropriate for siblings. Amber and
Brian, of course, love their introduction.
I found the characters in this story too thinly developed, and the plot,
at least through the beginning of the story, too hurried. In particular,
I feel that the character development didn't support the story's
surprise ending.
Ratings for "A Lover's Tail"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Dart (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Laura and Me" by The Light Within (shimmering1@.hotmail.com). Guest
review by David Rills
This is Phone Sex the way it ought to be. It's something most men
fantasized about - your girlfriend giving you a great Blow Job while you
talk to a sexy telemarketer. The story is well done and a real turn on.
I highly recommend this one.
Ratings for "Laura and Me "
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
David (appeal to reviewer): 10
"In the Mirror" by Mary Westbourne (mwestbourne@hotmail.com). Guest
review by Fiddler.
A woman looks at herself in the mirror and appreciates the changes that
have occurred under her lover's (not always tender) ministrations.
That's it. Neither the sex nor the bondage and spanking is particularly
explicit. The feeling is a bit warmer than the review, however.
Best line: "The air skulks in."
Ratings for "In the Mirror"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 3
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 7
"Dick Thruster and the Passion Pirates" by Nikos Rovani
(reason2sin@innocent.com) guest review by Sandman
(sandman@bitsmart.com).
Sci-Fi stories can be tricky for a reader. There's more chance you'll
find some nubile vixen reaching orgasm from the slimy touches of a
jaxinian sand worm than the more "normal" male/female interactions. This
is the problem, I suspect, most readers have with stories labeled Sci-
Fi. But a story review can put those fears to rest. Rest assured, this
story is strictly a human male/multiple human female story that just
happens to take place in the future.
Dick and Dick's dick have been in space far, far too long as Dick's dick
continually reminds him. Being in space does something to a CosCop
(Cosmic Cop); you learn to talk in cliches and you learn to hold
complete conversations with your dick. It makes for some pretty
interesting conversations indeed, when Dick and Dick's dick are captured
by space pirates.
This is at first a source of tension since the pirates are showing an
unhealthy interest in both Dick and Dick's dick, but tension soon turns
to witty and giddy delight when Dick and Dick's dick find they've been
captured by FEMALE pirates -- talk about luck! Dick's dick finds itself
in Dick's dick's dick heaven. Sorry just wanted to see if I could get
away with that last sentence :-)
LOL is a cliche in the on-line world, but this story definitely had me
laughing out loud in the real world. The story is witty, funny, and
tongue-in-cheek enough for even the most hardened readers of this
newsgroup. In a way the story is very similar to some of M1ke Hunt's
stuff and for those going through M1ke withdraw, this is a worthy
substitute. M1ke never wrote a sci-fi piece, but if he ever did
something tells me it would be very much like this.
The only thing I would have liked to see different in this story would
be BLANK LINES between the paragraphs and between dialog lines. This
really didn't distract from the reading once I got use to it, but as the
only distraction in an otherwise perfectly good story I feel compelled
to point it out. The white space serves as markers for the readers'
eyes, making it easier to know where they are and where they've been.
In my scores I should knock off a point for this in Athena, but I'm
going to be lenient here -- maybe because I'm just in such a good mood
right now, but mostly because a ten in the appeal to reviewer category
allows me to overlook the negligible flaws in an otherwise outstanding
story.
In summary I find myself highly recommending ""Dick Thruster and the
Passion Pirates," and at 16k (maybe a 15 minute read for slow readers)
there's no excuse not to judge the story for yourself.
{Celestial note: "... even the most hardened readers.... " - do I have
naive reviewers or what?}
Ratings for "Dick Thruster and the Passion Pirates"
Athena (technical quality): 10 -- Had too much fun to find problems.
Venus (plot & character): 10 -- Great idea.
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 10 - Highly recommended.
* "Slippery When Wet" by SueNH. This was one of the first really
sexy stories I reviewed for Celestial Reviews. I'll repost the
original review:
I was going to read this story late at night and write the review
right away, but after a story like that I have to take a break and
visit my husband. He's going to wake up with one hot mouth around
his cock! This was a truly erotic story. I can't do it justice
by trying to summarize it - It's about a girl and a guy who get
into the fitness center jacuzzi after closing time. Read the
story for the rest.
The only part that I didn't like at first was when they let the
three college kids join them in the jacuzzi. Actually, I liked
that part too; but except for that part, I'd be ecstatic for a
chance to do exactly what the two of them did. Sue has one of the
best disclaimer's of all the a.s.s. writers: "Reading and writing
these stories should be acts of fantasy, and I hope that you can
keep your notions of real and fantasy life separate in your mind.
I know I can." And so can I!
Ratings for "Slippery When Wet"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to this reviewer): 10