Celestial Reviews 256 - February 7, 1998
Note: A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a
little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their
concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of
toast.
The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack
of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says,
"Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."
Second note: A businessman gets onto a bus and finds a seat next to a
nun at the front of the bus. After some interesting conversation, the
man asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
Surprised by the question, the nun politely declines and gets off at the
next stop. When the bus starts on its way, the bus driver says to the
businessman, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to
have sex with you."
The businessman replies that he'd love to know; so the bus driver tells
him that every Tuesday at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray
to the Lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"
says the bus driver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to
have sex with you."
The businessman decides to try this out. So that Tuesday he goes to the
cemetery and waits for the nun, who shows up right on schedule. When
she's in the middle of her prayer, the businessman jumps out from
hiding, dressed in robes and glowing with a mask of God. "I am God! I
have heard your prayers, and I will answer them, but you must have sex
with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex, so that she might
keep her virginity. The businessman agrees to this and quickly sets
about to go to work on the nun.
After the Businessman finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,
"Ha, ha, I'm the businessman!" The nun replies by whipping off her mask
and shouting, "Ha, ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Third note: I just received a spam ad for a Virtual Girlfriend. This
reminded me of a pre-computer-days joke.
The man was on a business trip. He missed his wife and was getting
horny. After he checked into his hotel room, he went into the bathroom
to do his daily duty. On the wall in the little room next to the toilet
was a nicely padded hole about three inches in diameter with a sign
above it that read, "Your Wife Away from Home." The very thought gave
him a raging hard-on. "What will these hotels think of next?" he
thought, as he guided his engorged cock into the opening which was the
perfect size and at the perfect height. Suddenly he felt an extremely
painful sensation at the end of his cock, and when he withdrew his penis
he found a button nicely sewn to the end of it.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Mrs. Michaels" by Grimace (intergenerational sex) 7, 5, 5
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7244.txt
"Nobody's To Blame" by Kim (poignant bisexual threesome)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8136.txt
"For Valentine's Day" by DuChamp (bdsm) 10, 5, 4
"JonBenet Rides Again" by George Kranz (satirical essay) 10, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8151.txt
"Don't Panic" by DG (sex at Greek folk festival) 10, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8150.txt
"Satisfied" by Lord Malinov (seducing hubby) 10, 10, 9.5
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8149.txt
"The Minimalist" by Bronwen (pickup and endumpment) 10, 8, 6
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8162.txt
Guest Reviews:
"Climbing" by Poison Ivan (relationships) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8142.txt
"Star Whores" by Jefferson Morris (sci fi sex parody) 10, 10, 8
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7924.txt
"The Gene" by Spoonbender (Platonic Humor) 9.5, 10, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7916.txt
"Bad Girl" by Day Dreamer (emerging adolescence) 9, 9, 9
http://x8.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=295503454
"Bronze Lust" by A Pulp Fan (action adventure sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8112.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8113.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8114.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8115.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8116.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8117.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8118.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8119.txt
"Fearful Love" by Tom (intergenerational sex) 8, 4, 4
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7974.txt
Reposted Reviews:
* "The Photograph" by JYM (poignant teen pregnancy)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8103.txt
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"Mrs. Michaels" by Grimace (Grimace1@erols.com). Mrs. Michaels,
the mother of Dennis's best friend, broke up with her husband a
couple of years ago. Dennis is now college age and has stopped by
to ask if there is any work he can do for her around the house.
She replies that there are a few things that have gone neglected
since her husband left. Where do you think this story is going
<wink>?
This story is pretty much the formula stuff for a "young guy fucks
sexy older neighbor." Then at the end we discover that Mrs.
Michaels has an even more sexy roommate. Dennis ogles her for a
while, and then the story ends. Why?
The story has lots of punctuation problems, and Mrs. Michaels has
aureoles where we would expect areolae. Dennis is also concerned
from the tall tales that other guys have told him that excessive
sex might result in irreparable damage and mental "scaring." Aside
from a better proofreading, the story also needs some fresh
insights or something to perk it up.
Ratings for "Mrs. Michaels"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Nobody's To Blame" by Kim (Ghost@nym.alias.net). Kim's stories
are archived at http://www.io.com/~thebear/kimidx.htm.
Kim's boyfriend's sister has died in an auto accident. Rob wasn't
close to Samantha; and so while the funeral is not traumatic, it's
still a bit uncomfortable. When the job of cleaning up Sam's
things falls to Kim, she comes across Sam's diary. She discovers
that Sam had led a much more interesting life than her brother had
suspected.
The short version is that Sam had fallen in love with a guy who
was a bisexual who had just broken up with his former lover who
returns and rekindles the love interest. For the long version,
you'll have to read the story.
This story deals realistically with some serious issues and
emotions. It does a good job of being quietly sexy and
sentimental without being maudlin.
Ratings for "Nobody's To Blame"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"For Valentine's Day" by DuChamp (duchamp101@aol.com). I figured I
should review this before February 14, since its title suggests
that this story is thematically appropriate for Valentine's Day.
If your lover is turned on by the notion of being mildly tortured
for your amusement, then email her this story for Valentine's Day.
It contains very short, unrelated vignettes that describe
relatively mild bondage. Common sense tells me that these
activities are perversions, but my deeper knowledge derived from
reading bondage stories tells me that some women actually like
this sort of thing.
For my part, I'll settle for a greeting card, a quiet evening by
the fireside, or a good massage with nicely warmed oil that my
lover will clean off of me even more nicely than he applies it to
my body.
Ratings for "For Valentine's Day"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"JonBenet Rides Again" by George Kranz (5@mail.com). I downloaded this
as a long shot. If it was as sordid and illiterate as it sounded, I
didn't want to burden my guest reviewers with it; so I reviewed it
myself. I expected some sort of leering re-enactment of last year's
infamous child molesting and murder in Colorado.
Actually, this is a satirical essay - the sort of thing that Dave Barry
writes in his humor column, but far short of Dave's quality. The basic
premise is that a company has produced a JonBenet look-alike doll for
use in rehabilitating pedophiles. Exactly how this would happen, I
don't know. Perhaps there's a little guillotine in the little girl's
pussy or asshole. Anyway, the "story" focuses on a field test of the
doll.
This is neither great literature nor really hot sex, but it's also not
the garbage that I had anticipated.
Ratings for "JonBenet Rides Again"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Don't Panic" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com). DG's stories are
archived at http://www.io.com/~thebear/dgidx.htm.
Lizzie is an American girl who has been staying with her Greek
cousin Natasha. They have been invited to the Trikinos midsummer
festival. Natasha has had some sexual experience and tries to
explain sexuality to her cousin.
In spite of the objections of their grandmother, the girls go to
the festival; and of course they meet wonderfully attractive
suitors. The title means "Don't panic...." in the sense of
"Relax... spread your legs and relax." It also helps to know that
the word "panic" is derived from the name of the Greek god of
debauchery and revelry.
There's a twist at the end, and you'll have to stop and think
about what happened.
Ratings for "Don't Panic"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Satisfied" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com). In a message on
a.s.s.d., Malinov recently pointed out that he was surprised that I
selected "Blossoms" among my Top 20 for January. He did not consider
that story to be the best of the stories he has posted recently. He
said this not to pick on me, but to point out that authors and readers
sometimes see the same stories differently.
In my own defense, I should point out that I may not have even
read the story that Malinov considers to be his best. This author
writes so many good stories that I simply don't have time to read
them all. I find his stories to be of uniformly high quality, and
I would venture to recommend any of his stories even without
reading them.
My opinion is that an author like Malinov has a beneficial impact
on this entire group. He does a good job of approaching a story
from numerous perspectives and of integrating details in such a
way that they do not detract from the sexual activity - or, in
many cases, so that the sexual activity does not detract from the
main plot. It may be my imagination, but I think a lot more
authors have been displaying similar talents in their own stories
lately. I suspect that they know a good thing when they see it
and decide to incorporate similar techniques in their own stories.
The present story begins with Karen getting dressed for a date.
Well, not exactly a date. She and her friend Ellen had seen her
husband purchasing some jewelry for her, and she wants to be
primed and ready when he gives her the sapphire earrings tonight.
Now add into the mix a delicious dinner followed by dessert that
involves a tart that needs some cream on top, plus the information
that Karen's husband has recently hired a new assistant at the
office. You can either try to guess the climax or just go ahead
and read about it.
Ratings for "Satisfied"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"The Minimalist" by Bronwen (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).
Bronwen's stories are archived at http://www.cyber-
mall.com/Bronwen.
The eponymous hero of this story is not the narrator, but rather a
guy she picks up in a bar. His girlfriend dumps him and he shows
up on our narrator's doorstep. All he seems to own is an expensive
leather holdall containing his t-shirts, his jeans, and some
beautifully polished designer boots. He doesn't have either socks
or underpants. He has no books, no CDs, nothing. He is a
minimalist.
Zach also lets his date pay for everything. In addition, Zach is
a man of few words, and he's a bit quick on the trigger in the
sack. Minimalism to the max, as the Brits might say. And so she
dumps him.
This story is clearly written, but it's simply not in the category
with Bronwen's usual excellent stuff. Maybe I missed a secret
subplot noticeable only to British readers.
Ratings for "The Minimalist"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Climbing" by Poison Ivan (poisoniv1@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Bronwen.
This is a story about climbing. It's MF con, but if I say much
more it might spoil your pleasure. This is a story less about sex
than about confidence. About achievement. It's an observation on
the importance of respect in relationships. It's extremely
educational if you aren't a climber. And it's a good read.
Good in the sense of literature. Yes, it's sexy. Very sexy indeed,
if you're into physical fitness. But it goes beyond many of its
fellows on ASSM. It's a *really* well-written story, and what it
says about relationships is memorable. Any criticisms I have are
mere nit-picking - this is easily good enough for commercial
publication. My respects to the author.
Ratings for "Climbing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Star Whores" by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org). Guest
review by Kim.
No, this isn't about top of the line hookers, but is a
spectacularly overblown parody of the three Star Wars movies. It's
copyright 1994; so this is a repost. I don't know how it was
originally presented, as I wasn't reading the net in those days;
but it has come to me as one giant file that resulted in over two
hundred pages of text to read.
Right up front I have to admit I've not been able to read it all.
I've read about half of it and skip read snippets from the rest.
So in this respect you could say it's not an entirely fair review.
But trying to read all this in only a few days has proved
impossible. But having said that, even given all the time in the
world, I doubt my opinion would change all that much.
Since most of you know the basic plots of the Star Wars movies, I
won't even attempt to recount them here. What you can expect to
see is a twisted version of all the major plot points, such as
Luke getting a false mechanical penis when Darth Vader light
sabers the original off, instead of his hand as in the movie. Or
Yoda as a drunk, and Ben Kenobi as a pederast, etc., etc.
You can also expect lots, and lots, and lots of gay sex, as to be
fair, Leia herself points out, she's the only chick in the whole
story. Just about every major male character, sooner or later,
gets stuck up the ass by one of the other male characters.
When I first started reading it, I have to admit the shock value
of the subversion of the movie did give me many laughs.
Unfortunately, repetition of surreal shocks soon set in, and the
laughs started to get farther and farther apart. By half-way
through I was hardly smiling anymore.
Now it could be that originally it was posted in segments, and
managed to maintain the humor levels better that way. As it stands
now, I would highly recommend reading it in small sections, so as
to not dull the senses.
I think the word that best describes the whole thing is
outrageous. There is a limit to how often you can be outraged
successfully. If you liked the movies, have a warped sense of
humor, don't mind gay sex, and don't mind regular doses of gory
violence, then you'll love it. If none of those is true, then I'd
steer clear.
Ratings for "Star Whores"
Athena (technical quality): 10 (Brilliant satire, but way too long
for me)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (Very funny dialog... to begin
with)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 8 (Just read it in small sections for
maximum fun)
"The Gene" by Spoonbender (Theodore@spoonbender.demon.co.uk). Guest
Review by Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com)
What we have with "The Gene" is an interrogation of sorts between the
director of a super secret government biological research facility and
the leading researcher about a missing specimen sample. The story is
labeled Humor and indeed makes a fairly good stab at comedy - which is
good, because there's no sex here except the sex the reader imagines
after carrying the plot forward. This is one of the stories that a
reviewer simply can't summarize for fear of giving away the joke; so I
won't even try.
I'll state the story is very readable. It tends to be witty more than
funny and in a certain dark way terrifying and fascinating at the same
time. The concept is interesting, and I enjoyed the reading.
Ratings for "The Gene"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5-- Practically perfect
Venus (plot & character): 10-- A nice mixture of comedy and terror
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 9-- Very much enjoyed.
"Bad Girl" by Day Dreamer (reposted by Commander Jameson). Guest review
by Kim.
Wow, I've finally made it to the big four-oh. Erm, reviews that is
<grin>. Maybe I should ask for co-billing <laugh, only kidding,
Celeste>. So what have I got for my fortieth review?
This is a charming, sweet little story of first time love - well lust if
not exactly love - told from a boy's point of view. Set in the early
fifties, though we only know that because the author says so, it tells
the tale of two ninth graders, Joey and Rose. Rose being the titular bad
girl of the piece.
Rose is the most physically mature of all the girls in their class and
for reasons never really explained, does her best to force herself on
Joey. After some palm scratching and necking at the movies, Joey tells
Rose of a nearby creek where that might go swimming together.
Needless to say they don't do much swimming, and Joey gets to achieve
the many firsts he's been dreaming of. Rose on the other hand is
revealed to be somewhat more experienced in these matters in a very
casual reference to her own first time. This anecdote cast a pathos on
the whole story that previously hadn't been there. I'm not sure if I
liked it more before or after the revelation. My hang-ups, I guess.
Since the main characters are both only fifteen, it's already skirting
my squick territory as it is. Ah, well.
Overall, it's pretty well written, if a little stilted at times. I felt
that the author often, rather than forwarding the action, merely
repeated it in different words. But generally I thought it did manage to
evoke the first time well, if a little prone to the usual exaggeration
that permeates sex stories on ASS/M. I think the ending could have been
beefed up a bit more in the emotions department; but on the whole, I
liked it.
Ratings for "Bad Girl"
Athena (technical quality): 9 (A tad clunky at times, with a few
typos early on)
Venus (plot & character): 9 (Pleasingly simple and straightforward)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 9 (Ignoring my own personal reservations,
I liked it)
"Bronze Lust" by A Pulp Fan. Guest review by Purple Passion.
Sixty four years ago, The Adventures of Doc Savage appeared on the
newsstands of America. Through 181 pulp adventures, the Man of
Bronze and his band of adventures fought crime and injustice
around the world. Six and a half decades later, they still make a
great read. "Bronze Lust" by A Pulp Fan follows the adventures
(sexual and otherwise) of Patricia Savage (Doc's Cousin) through
1930's New York. It's a story that combines sex, action, heroes,
Nazis and a secret weapon. In other words, all the elements of a
fun story. Sort of like how Indiana Jones might have been if that
movie had an adult rating. Having read many of the original
stories when they were reprinted in the 60's and 70's, I can
honestly say that the characterizations in this story are right on
the money. Even if you never read any of the originals, you can
pick up the story easily and that is the best kind of satire. I
highly recommend it.
Ratings for "Bronze Lust"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Purple Passion (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Fearful Love" by Tom (tje@mail.nls.net). Guest review by DG.
This is yet another story involving sex between a grown man and a young
girl. I don't really like these stories, but I must admit I've become
used to them after reading several. They don't turn me on, but they
don't turn my stomach anymore either.
These stories can be divided into two genres, which I'll call fantasy
and reality. In a fantasy story, the children are essentially horny
adults trapped in children's bodies who know exactly what they want, and
everyone has a great time and is enriched by the experience. The
children are often extremely young (under ten). No sane person would
think that such a story has any relation to reality, so I suppose
they're pretty harmless.
A reality story takes at least some of its ground rules from real life.
A common theme is a precocious (but still believable) child wearing down
the resistance of an initially unwilling adult. The children are
typically older - in their early to mid teens. An excellent example of
this genre is Tom Bombadil's "Brenda - A Love Story." More disturbing
(and most realistic) are stories where the adult preys on the child for
sexual satisfaction, and the child does not enjoy the experience.
A major problem with "Fearful Love" is that it starts out as a reality
story and then abruptly turns into a fantasy story. A twenty-nine year
old engineer starts dating a slightly older woman with an eleven year
old daughter. Both of them are described as nice, sensible people, and
their interaction is quite realistic. The daughter develops a serious
crush on the guy, and starts following him around like a puppy. The guy
realizes what is going on but doesn't have any interest in the girl,
he's in love with the woman. So far so good: everything was quite
realistic and plausible, and I was wondering where the author was going
to go with it.
Then we get the jarring sentence: "She thought that Jack would be a
splendid first lover for her daughter." (No, it's not the misspelling
of 'splendid' that's jarring.) Nothing in the story has prepared the
reader to accept that this woman would want her eleven year old daughter
to become sexually active, in fact, quite the opposite. From this point
on, the story is pure fantasy - the man deflowers the daughter, bringing
her to a few orgasms, while the mother watches and masturbates. Because
the story started out with characters that seemed likable and well-
drawn, I found this rather sordid.
I think this author can do a lot better. The writing is competent, and
the first part of the story is quite decent.
Ratings for "Fearful Love"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 4 (Started out as 8, ended up like 2)
DG (appeal to reviewer): 4
* "The Photograph" by JYM (GJ@SPRYNET.COM). Guest review by Mark
Aster.
A very short but very lovely story. No sex happens on stage, but
the story is very much about sex, and love, and bodies, and
hearts. And about how beautiful a pregnant 16-year-old can be,
naked and shy in front of the camera. And how something beautiful
can be utterly tragic also.
It takes some daring to make a story this short, and to post a
story with no actual fucking to a.s.s.*. The author of this one
has that daring, and enough talent to pull it off. I recommend
this story highly; don't be put off by what I've said so far even
if you're just looking for sex stories. The Photograph is highly
erotic, as well as all those other things. The ending, while
maybe a tad obvious, is effective and moving. A couple of
misspellings, awkward phrases, and an odd capitalization might
cost it a point for technical perfection, but it deserves at least
solid tens in them other categories. A keeper.
Ratings for "The Photograph" {Added by Celeste}
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10