Celestial Reviews 237 - November 26, 1997
Note: It so happened one day at DC central that Batman stood leaning
against a wall looking rather depressed. His friend, the Green Lantern,
found him, and worriedly inquired of his friend what was wrong.
"Well, you see..." Batman began; "I was on my way out of the jacuzzi
when I suddenly noticed that the door to the women's changing room was
open." The Green Lantern urged him to continue. "And, I... um was
rather surprised to find Wonder Woman lying unconscious on her back the
floor." His cheeks colored for an instant. "She was of course without
any clothing at the time, and I found myself unable to suppress the
desire to... you know..."
The Green Lantern was stupefied. "That's no reason to be depressed,
Batman. When she recovers, I'm sure she won't know what you did to her.
Besides, most men aren't as lucky as you were!"
Batman didn't seem merrier in the least. "No, you see... the Invisible
Man had beat me to it! How was I to know he was still there!?!"
Second Note: CONTEST TIME! We haven't had a Celestial Writing Contest
in a long time. So we're going to have a Celestial Christmas Story
Contest. The only rule is that your entry has to be a new story about
Christmas or any related holiday theme. I'll interpret this seasonal
theme loosely - a Druid orgy at Stonehenge during the winter solstice or
group sex at halftime at the Rose Bowl would qualify. Entries can be
posted as they are written, and I'll review them as soon as I receive
them. Winners will be announced on or around January 1.
To give you some ideas, I am listing here the Christmas stories that I
know about that I have already reviewed. If you are the author of one
of these stories, you may want to repost it during the holiday season.
"Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
"A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author (Christmas
orgy) 10, 9, 9
"Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa) 9, 10, 10
"Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas
tree) 10, 9, 10
"Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (oral sex with Santa) 10, 9, 9
"For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance)
10, 10, 10
"Here Cums Santa" by Sue (real celebrity sex!) 10, 10, 10
"Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy)
10, 10, 10
"Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender)
8, 10, 10
"Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various
orgies, etc.) 10, 10, 10
"Adult Christmas" by Abby (Santa orgy) 9, 10, 10
I'll repost the reviews of these stories in a special issue on December
20. If you know of other stories that I should include in this special
issue, please contact me.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Exquisite Error" by Eric Shon (mistaken identity) 10, 10, 10
"Holiday Recipe" by The Bear (recipe for sex) 10, 9, 9
"Road Trip" by Artie (high speed sex) 10, 9, 9
"Cinderella" by C. Wilson (fairy tale sex) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"A Lesson in Love" by Cathy Payne (spanking) 9, 7, 4
"The High Cost of Used Books" by sfmaster (bdsm) 7, 6, 6
"Hoover" by Edward Miller (magical breast enlargement) 7, 5, 6
"A Girl Named Charlie" by Day Dreamer (adolescent sex)
10, 10, 10
"Exquisite Error" by Eric Shon (mistaken identity) 9, 9, 10
Reposted Reviews:
* "The Offering" by BronwenSM (exhibitionism & mercy fuck)
9.5, 10, 10
* "For These Gifts" by Uther Pendragon (romance) 10,10, 10
* "Thanksgiving" by Tom (holiday orgy) 10, 10, 10
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted or because of their seasonal relevance)
"Exquisite Error" by Eric Shon (EricShon@aol.com). The man met the
woman via email and telephone conversations. They are just good friends
(not lovers), but he visits her and stays in her daughter's bedroom,
since the daughter is out of town at her father's house. Since he has
the same first name as the daughter's boyfriend, when the 17-year-old
returns unexpectedly in the middle of the night and finds him in her
bed, he has no idea how he is going to get out of this predicament, but
he knows for damn sure WHAT he is going to get out of it!
To learn more, you'll have to read the story. It's a good one!
Ratings for "Exquisite Error"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Holiday Recipe" by The Bear (thkbear@earthlink.net). This seasonal
piece describes an act of sexual intercourse as if it were the recipe
for the preparation and eating of a Thanksgiving dinner. At first the
idea of marinating the bird (lady) for 2 hours with a spiced red wine or
sherry - in this case a nice red wine, fortified with brandy - sounded
corny. But after about two hours of simmering, the activity became a
lot more appetizing. The recipe called for sausage stuffing to be forced
into all of the body cavities until the bird was full. The breast meat
was especially delectable. The recipe also suggested that the gourmet
cook take small tastes of the bird as it cooked, particularly from the
thighs and the edge of the breast meat. If you can stomach a little
over a thousand words of this sort of cullinary word play, this story
may be to your taste. Happy Thanksgiving!
Ratings for "Holiday Recipe"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Road Trip" by Artie (artie@netgate.net). Carol is looking forward with
extremely nervous anticipation to a trip with her husband. The trip is
going to include a surprise. Her husband's secretary knows what the
surprise is, but she turns beet red whenever Carol asks her about it.
That's because she has tried out the surprise. I can't tell you any
more specifics about the surprise, because then it wouldn't be a
surprise for you. However, it has something to do with the special seat
that Carol's husband has installed in his BMW that essentially
masturbates her to orgasm while they speed along the highway.
We don't own a BMW with special seats, but my husband has performed a
similar service for me on the wide-open highway. He did it the old
fashioned way - manually. It was great: I actually flung my panties out
the window at a truckdriver we passed. Aside from my hubby's manual
technique, the main difference between this story and my personal
experience is that my husband did NOT let his secretary try out his
surprise before he gave it to me.
Ratings for "Road Trip"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Cinderella" by C. Wilson (devospudc@geocities.com). You know the
story. As the fairy tell suggests, Cinderella starts out ugly, but then
she falls asleep and lets down her hair and a prince climbs to the top
of the beanstalk, slays the goose that laid the golden egg, kisses her,
and she turns into a beautiful princess. Or something like that.
This is a modern rendition. Cinderella (actually Cindy) feels ugly in
comparison to her "beautiful" stepsisters. When Cindy misbehaves (as by
looking in her stepmother's mirror) she is cruelly punished with a
riding crop. Life is not good for poor Cindy, and she has a massive
self-concept problem. To comfort herself, she turns to masturbation.
Imagine that.
Meanwhile, Roland,the Royal Messenger whose job it is to hand out
invitations to the Royal Ball, has to examine all the households in the
kingdom and find any damsel who may be worthy of the prince's "hand" in
marriage. He plunges deeply into his work. Literally, somtimes.
"Hand" - that reminds me. Gomer Pyle was out on a date with his
girlfriend. After the movie they went out to Lover's Lane and watched
the stars. After a few minutes, Gomer said, "Thelma {I think}, can I
hold your hand?" She said yes and slid her hand into his. After a few
minutes of innocent interdigitation, Gomer said, "Thelma, can I kiss
you?" She said yes, and they kissed tenderly. After a few minutes of
passionate osculation, Gomer said, "Thelma, can I put my finger in your
belly button?" Thelma was taken aback; but after a pause she agreed.
Several minutes passed in silence. Then Thelma moaned and said, "Gomer,
honey, that isn't my belly button!" Gomer replied, "Surprise! Surprise!
Surprise! And that isn't my finger!"
Finger - hand - close enough....
Actually, the stepsisters aren't all that beautiful: the only way they
even manage an invitation to the Royal Ball is by cleaning Roland's
family jewels. As I said, Cindy has a self-image problem; but Roland
immediately recognizes her beauty and invites her to the ball - even
sans blow job.
Actually, the stepsisters aren't all that bad. They invite Cindy into
the bath with them, and engage in mutual diddling with her. I digress,
but only because the story digressed. 'Tis an interesting tidbit, to say
the least.
Bruce is a gay guy. Gotcha! You think all guys named Bruce are gay.
In this story, Bruce is an apparently heterosexual itinerant
kleptomaniac. His M.O. is robbing houses while rich people are at
balls. However, since Cindy's step-relatives have destroyed her
invitation, she is at home when Bruce breaks into their house. When
Cindy confronts Bruce and asks who he is, he says he is her fairy
godmother. Once he's in the role, he offers to grant Cindy's fondest
wish; and in no time at all he is bathing her and prepping her for the
Prince at the ball - complete with glass slippers - a sort of foot
fetish, I suppose. Oh - and Bruce tells her she has to leave at
midnight, because that's when the drunken debauchery begins.
Meanwhile, Prince Edward is at the ball, conducting auditions for his
bride, and the candidates are not at all satisfactory. Etc. Etc. Yada,
yada. Etc. In short, many are beautiful, but they don't even register
on his peter meter. Well, that's not quite true: one of them has a
rather emphatic and direct impact on his measurement device. But then
Cindy arrives, and the Prince is Smitten.
Meanwhile, Bruce sodomizes Cindy's stepmother - just to teach the old
bitch a lesson. And furthermore meanwhile the King is humping the
serving girl while the Queen is frolicking with the musicians.
Again meanwhile furthermore and in addition, the Prince's interview with
Cindy has gone quite well. To wit: he comes, then she comes, then both
come again; but then midnight comes, and Cindy goes.
I had better not tell you the ending. It may surprise you! Where DO
people get ideas for stories like this?
Ratings for "Cinderella"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Lesson in Love" by Cathy Payne (cpayne@sympatico.ca). Guest Review by
DG.
This is a well-written story with three-dimensional characters and
realistic dialogue. Unfortunately, it isn't really a sex story. A
young woman is stopped for speeding and for refusing to pull over. As
luck would have it, the cop is her future brother-in-law. The young
woman is rude and physically abusive, and the cop calls his brother (the
woman's boyfriend) to come help him deal with the situation. At this
point we learn that the woman was beaten by her father while she was
growing up, causing her to resent authority and behave somewhat
rebelliously. The boyfriend calmly takes her home, and then, to teach
her to behave herself, he puts her over his knee and gives her a good
hard spanking. The young woman discovers that this sort of discipline
is just what she needs to straighten herself out, and she is grateful
and apologetic.
Spanking is a well-established fetish, of course, and it can make quite
a spicy addition to lovemaking. The appeal comes from several
directions: there is the issue of dominance and submission, the
pain/pleasure of the spanking itself, the erotic and erogenous nature of
the buttocks, and probably many other sexual aspects that a real
spanking aficionado could name. The question is, is a spanking which is
administered for punishment a sexual act in and of itself? In this
story, neither the woman nor the man is sexually aroused by the
spanking, so why should the reader be aroused? I wasn't. To be fair,
the couple does begin having makeup sex after the spanking, but this is
just hinted at as the story ends.
I didn't find the message of the story to be very appealing, either.
The idea that a husband should spank his wife to keep her in line, as if
she was one of his children, is archaic, to say the least. I have a
hunch that this story was written for a spanking newsgroup, and that
there are indeed people who would find something erotic in the plotline.
I don't recommend this story to the average reader, though.
Ratings for "A Lesson in Love"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
DG (appeal to reviewer): 4
"The High Cost of Used Books" by sfmaster (sfmaster@worldnet.att.net).
Guest review by Kim.
Whoa, I think this is the first Femdom D/S story Celeste has sent me to
review. At only just four pages it's hardly long enough to tell a story,
or get into deep characterizations, let alone reveal deep and meaningful
insights into the human psycho-sexual condition.
It tells of a day in the life of an unnamed woman idly looking after her
family's used bookstore. She had intended to go horse riding with a
friend, but steady snowing has put an end to that, so she has been left
to look after the shop.
Only one customer is in the shop, and he's loitering by the adult
section. She is outraged to see that not only is he reading the
magazines and not paying for them, but he has the audacity to brazenly
stand there masturbating.
Well, what's a poor girl to do in such circumstances? Yep, you guessed
it. Picking up her riding crop she orders the guy to lick her boots and
jerk himself off over another porn magazine.
She then beats him as he bends over a stool and jerks off again. He is
then ordered to clean up the mess and she then throws him out, issuing a
stern warning to buy something next time. Our heroine then takes the
magazine he was reading home, and dreams of becoming a leather clad
dominatrix herself.
And that's it. Hmmmm. Much as I wanted to like this story, in all
honesty it wasn't very well written, not remotely convincing, and not at
all sexy. Apart from that it was great.
Keep practicing sfmaster, one day you'll get it right I'm sure. There
was the odd flash of interest such as describing the neon reflections in
the fresh cum. So keep writing, it can only get better. Hope that wasn't
too ruthless.
Ratings for "The High Cost of Used Books" By sfmaster@worldnet.att.net
Athena (technical quality): 7 (Clumsy)
Venus (plot & character): 6 (Lacking in believability)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Not very good really)
"Hoover" by Edward Miller (zxcvbnm21@hotmail.com). Guest Review by Mr.
G. Reaper (MrReaper@DeathsDoor.com).
Let me start out by saying that I'm not particularly fond of
magical, super power sexual stories. I need a fairly
plausible, though not necessarily probable, story line to get
me going. With that said, I was not particularly enamoured
(or turned on, which after all is the whole point of a.s.s.
posts) with Hoover.
The story line is straightforward, albeit not developed
enough even by short story standards. Boy meets girl, girl
bumps into boy, boy and girl go home to fuck. The twist to
the story, and the inspiration for the title, come when our
hero realizes that the girl that he's shacking up with has the
unusual ailment of breast enlargement when said breasts
are sprayed with hot cum. Though this might seem to be a
blessing to those tit lovers out there, it was the ultimate
down fall of our hero. It seems that the cum hungry tit-
monger drained our hero of his precious seed enough times
to dehydrate him to the extent that he wakes up in the
hospital the next morning.
The writing was decent, but again, not my style. As far as
spelling goes, who knows - I didn't send it through the old
spell checker. One little sentence at the very start of the
story set it off on the wrong foot; "I'm sorry," she breathed,
breathlessly.
Ratings for "Hoover"
(I hated to be so harsh with my first review but I call `em as
I see `em).
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot and character): 5
Death (appeal to reviewer): 6
"A Girl Named Charlie" by Day Dreamer. Guest review by BillyG.
Day Dreamer's stories have a pleasant signature style and "A Girl Named
Charlie" hews closely to his familiar slow development of likable people
engaging in healthy, enjoyable sex. For those who enjoy a story of real
people living a believable life with human frailties, this will fit.
The story, while set in the 1940s, is not a period piece and for the
feelings and actions of the protagonists, could easily have happened in
the 60s or 70s. It might best be summed up as the story of the -
feelings- of a 16-year-old boy and the sexual -actions- of Charlie, his
teenaged girlfriend. We come to know the emotions of the story teller,
but not even his name, for more factual identity is given to Charlene -
Charlie - than the protagonist. He's a zero-experienced sexual virgin,
albeit open and eager to learn. Charlie, at is turns out, is not,
inexperienced that is. She alludes openly to her other experiences,
which turn out to be two, and is most often the instigator in their
sexual play and ultimate seduction. In fact, her unabashed enthusiasm
and her unashamed experience lend a healthy air to the tale. Our boy is
pulled along by the power of his own desires, often stimulated by
Charlie's provocative horniness.
Is it a sex-linked thing? That some guys enjoy the fantasy of an
adolescent seduction where the girl emerges as a strong co-conspirator
if not the defacto seducer? I may be remember flashes of my own
adolescence and that's why this slow progression so appealed to me.
Admittedly, there is a certain Pollyanna, other-worldly quality to Day
Dreamer stories, for there's virtually no tension and certainly no
strife. In the almost 22,000 words of this story, it moves along with
the inexorable certainty of a large river, the delight experienced in
the anticipated assurance of successful sexual exploration. The
surprises are not wrapped in unexpected turns or multiple layers of
hidden plots, but more in the depth of their surprising escalation of
sexuality.
Rich in emotions and feelings, "A Girl Named Charlie" is a warm and sexy
read, best enjoyed on a rainy afternoon curled up in a window box.
Ratings for "A Girl Named Charlie"
Athena (technical quality): 10 (although there were a few spelling
errors)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (sweet more than complex)
BillyG (appeal to reviewer):10 (for those who enjoy adolescent
stories)
"Exquisite Error" by Eric Shon (EricShon@aol.com). Guest review by
Piper.
(Note: Eric Shon is NOT the same person as LordShon (Shon Richards), who
is also posting stories to ass and assm.) (Note from Celeste: Piper
calls this a "whoops!" story. This is also a "whoops!" review. By that I
mean I wrote a review of this one myself, and then received this in the
mail from Piper. I might point out that I did NOT experience the text
problem that Piper encountered. Piper should subscribe to a good service
- like AOL <ironic snarl>!)
I think this is what you call a "whoops!" story - a case of mistaken
identity. "It's me, Paul," is the second line in the story, and is right
smack dab in the middle of a chain of events that leads to -- sorry,
you'll have to read it to find out what happens.
The premise is that Paul is visiting an on-line friend for the first
time. Her name is Diana. Diana has a 17-year-old daughter named
Justine. When he discovers to his chagrin, at some horrid point in the
wee hours, that all the motels are full-up, he calls Diana, and she
tells him to come to her place and crash there (Diana has absolutely no
prurient interest in Paul- in-the-flesh, only in Paul-the-online-guy,
which is why she didn't invite him to stay at her place in the first
place). And, since her older daughter is supposed to be out of town
visiting her father for a month, she tells him to sleep in Justine's
room.
Guess what. Justine comes home early.
I had to work a little too hard to suspend my disbelief for this story.
Justine should be able to tell the difference between Paul-the-perfect-
stranger and Paul-her-teenaged-lover by voice, or by touch, or by ...
something. She should. Paul-the-perfect-stranger is 34 years old. And if
you think I believe that Paul-the-34-year-old-guy has better
recuperative powers than Paul-the-teenage-lover, or that Justine
wouldn't question the fact that Paul-who-she-thinks-is-her-boyfriend is
much bigger than he was two weeks earlier, well ...
If you ignore these twists of logic, this is a delightful story. The
people act more-or-less rationally, and the bodily contortions are
limited to those that are humanly possible. What a concept! We don't
even get any first-glance tape-measure-perfect statistics (can you tell
that I've been reading a few very low-brow stories lately?).
The only major flaw with this story is with the formatting. It came from
a text processor that doesn't bother with carriage returns in the middle
of paragraphs. So, we get single lines that stretch sideways for
hundreds of characters. While I can read this with no problem, I do know
there are many people who don't have software that can handle this type
of format. Either everything past 80 characters disappears, or
everything after 254 characters disappears. In both cases, chunks of the
story vanish, never to be seen again. Makes for a pretty choppy tail
(er, tale). I'm sure there is someone out there than can help Eric fix
this problem, especially for such a nice little story.
Ratings for "Exquisite Error"
Technical merit 9
Plot and character 9
Appeal to reviewer 10
* "The Offering" by BronwenSM (bronwensm@aol.com). The young adolescent
is getting it on with her older boyfriend in the dark in a semi-public
place, when she becomes aware that someone is watching. It's a derelict
- a sad lonely man, who really likes what he sees. To her boyfriend's
dismay, she invites the old guy to join in. It's stories like this that
have brought terms like "mercy fuck" and "charity date" into our
language.
This author has just recently come to my attention. I think she/he
should get just a little help with the proofreading - maybe share the
stories with a friend before posting them. Overall, this is an
imaginative, realistic story. I hope to see more like it.
Ratings for "The Offering"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "For These Gifts" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). (Note: This
repost appears in a.s.s., rather than in a.s.s.m. You can also find it
in DejaNews.) It's Thanksgiving break at Bob and Jeanette Brennan's
house, and it's time for games. These "games" are choices of sexual
behavior, new positions on the days when he chooses, mostly old ones
when she makes the choice. In fact, she called her first game
"Missionary." Tonight she has a genuine need for Bob to "be gentle";
and so they play Cherish, which is actually a variation of Missionary.
Compared to some of the scenarios we see in this newsgroup, this sexual
activity is no big thing - but a very nice no big thing.
For Bob's turn they make love sitting down - and standing up.
Between the two games, this story even includes a prayer - in fact, the
title refers to the prayer that people often say on Thanksgiving, when
they give thanks for the gifts they have received during the past year.
What I like about this series of stories is that the lovers are
intelligent but ordinary people. Bob is going to school (majoring in
history) and Jeanette is working full time to make Bob's academic career
possible. They are looking forward to a happy future, but they are also
trying to enjoy a happy present. They sometimes have riotous sex, but
it's in the perspective of a full life.
Another way to say this is that a typical episode in this series is like
three or four Dulcinea stories cohesively joined together.
Ratings for "For These Gifts"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* Thanksgiving" by Tom (laddie@anon.nymserver.com). Ann is a mild
mannered former toxicologist who is now a dance therapist and active
member of the local PTA. She has a great ass and a pussy whose
fragrance automatically generates erotic thoughts, even when one's face
is not nicely nuzzled where it fits best. She is married to Tom, the
narrator of the story, a handsome chap who is a journalist. Jerry, a
brilliant scholar and sexy lawyer, was the narrator's closest friend in
college and has become like a brother-in-law to Ann. The kids have gone
away for Thanksgiving, and Jerry is visiting the couple for Thanksgiving
and has brought with him Sue, a professional masseuse who is at least as
attractive as Ann. I can identify with these people.
The story opens with Ann and Sue walking ahead of the guys on the beach,
gently swaying their cute little asses. (I hope that misplaced modifier
aroused you as much as it did me.) From this point you can probably
guess at least the general outline of the rest of the story; but the
tale is delightfully told, and the fact that you can guess what's going
to happen will not diminish your enjoyment of this story. And besides,
there are some surprises.
Now I have a confession to make - two confessions actually. Although I
write these reviews and have become a bit of an expert or at least a
connoisseur of sexual acrobatics, I have never engaged in an orgy and
probably never will. My husband and I both understand the intense
stimulation and sense of freedom that would be present if we did it with
another couple, but we also see the value of the one-to-one intimacy
that we share and don't want to do anything to risk losing this.
Nevertheless, I really enjoy picturing in my mind stories like this -
even while I am making love to my husband
Which brings me to my second confession. Between the first and second
paragraphs of this review, I field tested this story. I can now verify
(1) that it is possible to come to mutual orgasm with a spouse by
relating the basic events of this story by the fireplace - although it
may be necessary to alter the plot to include a bank teller; and (2)
that a focus on one part of this story seems to greatly increase the
probability that the male partner will have a roaring second orgasm. Go
figure!
As I was reading this story, I couldn't help thinking that it reminded
me of several of the stories written by SueNH. This is ironic; but
you'll have to read the whole story and be at least remotely familiar
with the writings of Sue to see the reason for this irony. I really
enjoyed this story - and so did my husband, even though he hasn't had
time to read it yet.
Ratings for "Thanksgiving"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10