Celestial Reviews 230 - November 1, 1997
Note: People are sometimes confused about the Blowjob Principle, which
states that if a recipient wants to increase the probability of a second
blowjob, he/she should make the giver glad to have supplied the first.
Applied to sexual encounters, this means that if a girl gives a guy a
blowjob and the guy hopes to get another someday, then he should do
something to make the girl glad she gave him the first blowjob. This
"something" can be flowers or a cashier's check, but it can also be
something more spontaneous and more directly related to the situation at
hand. Applied to stories, this means that if you want an author to
continue writing good stories, you should do something to make him/her
pleased that they wrote the story that evoked your gratitude.
When they thank me for my reviews, people often smile via email and
refer to the Cunnilingus Principle. Their theory is that since I am
female, I wouldn't know what to do with a blowjob if they gave me one.
Actually, these people don't understand the metaphor. The story (or in
my case, the reviews) is the blowjob. If the reader likes the story (or
the reviews) then he should maximize the possibility of a continued
supply of "blowjobs" by making the giver of the blowjob (that is, the
author of the story or reviews) glad that he/she helped supply that
blissful experience. The pleased reader may indeed accomplish this
through a blowjob or cunnilingus; but it's important to remember that
we're talking metaphor here. A simple thank-you will often suffice.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Sanders Family" by D.Abby (family pedophilia)
9, 7, 4
"The Morning After" by Tom Bombadil (spam contest)
10, 8, 8
"My Grrlstory" by Cain (ff foot fetish) 10, 8, 7
"Hush" by Brother Cadfael (evening of romance) 9, 8, 8
"Trick or Treat" by Saucy Wench (Halloween sex party) 10, 10, 10
"Forays" by Uther Pendragon (romantic post-partum sex)
10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Butter" by Victoria Vixen (food & sex) 8, 10, 10
"As the Paige Turns: The Second Coming (Cumming)" by Hawk
Richards (sexy humor) 10, 10, 10
"Secretarial Practice" by F. Alyque Simbal (sex with secretary)
10, 4, 5
"E-mail and the Common House Fly" by Nick T.
(incoherent sex story) 9.5, 8, 0
"Underneath the Mango Tree" by Jayant Lund (silly incest)
9, 5, 10
"The Juvenile Casting Couch" by D.Abby (kiddy sex & incest)
9, 7, 5
"The Transfiguring Eye" by Richard Rivers (voyeurism)
9, 9, 3
"After the Funeral" by losgud (mature sibling sex) 10, 10, 10
"French Fries and a Coke" by Linda (semi-public sex) 9, 8, 7
"Lydia" by Brother Cadfael (caring romance) 10, 7, 7
"Nine Ball" by MNelson (gambling for sex) 10, 10, 10
10, 10, 10
"Forays" by Uther Pendragon (romantic post-partum sex)
10, 10, 10
"My Neglected Wife” by Steve 1044 (ignored wife
syndrome) 6, 10, 8
"Working Late” by Steve 1044 (sex at work) 6, 8, 10
Reposted Reviews:
* "Dominatrix Found in Amber" by PleaseCain.(surrealistic
sex story) 10, 9, 9
* “Elly” by Friar Dave (attitude adjustment) 9.5, 9, 9
* "For Bearing" by Uther Pendragon (pregnant sex) 10, 8, 10
"The Sanders Family" by D.Abby (Dabby@access.mountain.net). John and
Sandra grew up in one of those strict families where children are not
permitted to have sex but their parents have deficient olfactory senses,
and so the kids can fuck their brains out and the parents will never
notice the related odors. And so when (later in life) Sandra becomes a
mother and her husband is not available to service her, it is only
natural that she initiate her children into the mysteries of Venus. In
short, this is one of those stories on the theme that the family that
fucks together sucks together. I don't really enjoy such stories unless
there's an interesting twist - such as a creative plot or an insight
based on realism; and this one had nothing special to offer.
In real life, sex with minors is almost always likely to be problematic.
With regard to sex STORIES involving minors, I have noticed that there
are four basic types:
(1) adolescent fantasies - "Boy, wouldn't it have been great to have had
a sexy English teacher who kept me after school and taught me about
sex!";
(2) emerging adolescent stories - sensitive and often sexy treatments of
growing up and learning about sex;
(3) science fiction stories - these don't necessarily involve
spaceships, but they greatly alter reality, for example by assuming that
promiscuous sexual activity by 9-year-old girls is likely to lead to
something other than early pregnancy, dropping out of school, and an
eventual life of misery; and
(4) dirty old man stories - in which a leering adult writes about how
swell it would be to have sex with little kids.
I find that I can usually enjoy the first three types, but the fourth
type is usually so dysfunctional that it turns my stomach. In this
respect I find that I am MORE tolerant than most other people - even on
this newsgroup. The public at large object to all "pedophile"
literature, which they define very broadly; they assume that this sort
of thing CAUSES little children to be molested. In addition, I often
have trouble finding reviewers for stories like these. The reviewers
often tell me that they object in principle to "pedophile" stories; and
so I am reduced to only two or three people who can write good reviews
and who will even give these stories a chance.
Many stories are actually a combination of two or more of these sub-
genres. I find that lots of them are BAD stories, mostly because they
seem to be silly, adolescent ramblings by people who have not yet become
mature enough to understand what sex is all about. However, some of
them are quite good: even when they describe a situation that would be
undesirable in real life, they evoke memories and fantasies that are not
really unhealthy.
The important principle is to distinguish between reality and fantasy
and to keep this distinction in mind when reading or writing a story. It
is also legitimate to consider the possibility that a dysfunctional
person might act out fantasies that normal people might properly
restrict to their imaginations; and I think authors have a social
responsibility in this regard.
The present story is weak because (1) the events depicted in it would be
a really bad idea in real life and (2) the fictional setting does little
to make these events more interesting than real life.
Ratings for "The Sanders Family"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"The Morning After" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com). The narrator
awakens from a drunken stupor with little recollection of what happened
the night before - just vague clues, like lipstick on drinking glasses
and an unidentified pair of panties. The idea is - you read the story
and try to guess what spam title fits it. My problem was that I didn't
know enough about spam titles to recognize the answer when I saw it!
That probably means that I have good reading habits.
Ratings for "The Morning After"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"My Grrlstory" by Cain (pleasecain@aol.com). I sort of got lost in this
story. I understood everything in the story, but it didn't turn me on
at all. I was just left with the impression that I had read a story
about a girl with a foot fetish who develops a fondness for her college
roommate after a foot orgy of sorts. I guess maybe there's a lot of
that sort of thing going around. I also don't know about the title,
which is spelled the same way twice, apparently on purpose. Maybe
people with severe foot fetishes who fall in love with other women write
"grrlstories."
Ratings for "My Grrlstory"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Hush" by Brother Cadfael (Cadfael@earthcorp.com). As the author's
synopsis says, a man meets a deaf woman at the film development store
and finds his knowledge of sign language finally to be of use. He
brings her home with him and makes tender love to her. This is a very
nice story, but it's not complete: there's too little development and
too many questions are left unanswered.
Ratings for "Hush"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Trick or Treat" by Saucy Wench (wenchsaucy@aol.com). The two friends
crash a Halloween party - one as a red-haired witch and the other as her
sexy black cat. Their goal is to see who can be the naughtiest. Three
scenes are described in detail, several others in passing. In real life
you shouldn't do the things they do. You should also take your
Halloween candy to the hospital and have it xeroxed - er, x-rayed -
before you eat it.
For a simple Halloween Fuck Odyssey, this is pretty good stuff. The two
ladies don't get stopped by the cops or hook up with truckers or a
motorcycle gang or have car trouble and get help from a farmer's
daughter on the way home. They don't get back to Brandi's and make
frenzied love until sunrise. No, they scrub off their makeup, take
showers (alone), brush their teeth, and go to bed (also separately). But
they both sleep with big, satisfied smiles on their faces. For an
explanation of the smiles, read the story, even if Halloween is already
over.
Ratings for "Trick or Treat"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Forays" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). A foray (which can be
correctly pronounced three different ways), is defined as (1) a sudden
raid or military advance, or (2) a venture or an initial attempt,
especially outside one's usual area. This story takes the second
definition into the arena of romantic post-partum sex.
My main problem in reviewing the Bob and Jeanette Brennan saga is that
their fictional life is so close to my own real life. In the present
episode, I can very closely relate to the sensations of returning to a
sort of renewed normalcy after the birth of a child. Like Jeanette, I
have gone through that experience in collaboration with an intellectual
but supportive husband, with a church community as an important part of
my life, and with a renewed confidence in myself as a lover and as a
person. Like Jeanette, I started my marital alliance with the clear
perception that my husband was the sexual expert in our relationship,
but I soon developed an awareness that I was pretty good at it myself.
Like Jeanette, I enjoyed the mixture and even the confusion of feelings
related to the baby and to my sexual relationship with my husband. The
main difference between myself and Jeanette is that she speaks French a
lot better than I do. I'm going to file a copyright infringement
lawsuit if Jeanette starts writing reviews for a salacious newsgroup.
So while I find it difficult to be objective about this new installment
in the Bob and Jeanette saga, I find it easy to say that this is another
good one. Read the story. Let it speak for itself.
{An "Anonymous Reviewer" has written an additional review of this story.
I am posting it separately with the Guest Reviews.}
Ratings for "Forays"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Butter" by Victoria Vixen (vicky_vixen@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Taria.
First of all, I would like to offer a public apology to both Celeste and
Victoria for the unforgivable lateness of this guest review. "Butter"
first appeared in alt.sex.stories in late September and should have been
reviewed long ago. All subsequent delays in the reviewing process were
my responsibility and my fault, and I apologize. Mea culpa!
The aptly-titled "Butter" tells the story of Victoria, her lover "X,"
and their first joint foray into the overlapping worlds of anal sex,
foodstuff sex, and love bead sex. I assumed at first glance that I
might not love the story. I prefer it when lovers have real names, not
mathematical variables like "X"; coy asides addressed to "Dear Reader"
often get my goat, as do narratorial pronouncements like "now let's get
back to the narrative"; and I'm also mildly lactose-intolerant, so I
wasn't sure if the story would agree with my digestive system.
Boy, was I pleasantly surprised! "Butter" was a fun and interesting
chronicle of a mildly adventurous woman's first real attempt at pushing
her limits. The sex scenes were engrossing, detailed, and quite
realistic--my favorite combination. Take, for example, Victoria's first
encounter with a squeeze-bottle of honey:
"X then withdrew his tongue and told me to press my cheeks together...
and here I discovered something I didn't know about honey: I had assumed
it would be a good lubricant, but instead it just made my ass and sex
very sticky. I think at this point I was more aroused by the humiliation
than the physical sensation. Either way, he told me to spread my cheeks
again and they pulled apart grudgingly -- I felt pretty silly."
This scene contains several of my favorite things, all at once: a man
who isn't afraid (and even likes) to use his tongue; a realistic, un-
airbrushed description of messy sex; and a reflective female character
who can express her feelings about herself and her experiences.
And the title scene is even better!
Go ahead--try some "Butter." I don't think you'll be disappointed.
Ratings for "Butter"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Taria (appeal to reviewer): 10
"As the Paige Turns: The Second Coming (Cumming)" by Hawk Richards
(Hawkrds@aol.com). Guest review by Sven the Elder.
Those of you who follow Celeste's reviewing and the 'guest' system, will
know that in a review on an earlier Hawk Richards story I noted a
problem in that the story was unfinished. In a later posting Hawk noted
that he had a tendency to 'rush things into print' - a trait that 'his
Editor would have frowned on!' H - you've been found out; can it be that
you're a professional in drag, or disguise even? <G>
No matter, to the story. I was amused and enjoyed the initial story of
the good Dr. Paige and noted that there was plenty of room for the
author to continue the series if he wished. We have not been
disappointed; the saga continues with the next visit. The warm becomes
hot and the pun in the title is brought to life. Our very own Mr M1ke
reviewed the first one and commented on the use of humor. It improves
and becomes more tongue in cheek with almost inside references to the
a.s.s. , a.s.s.d and a.s.s.m community that our little band has become.
Even if we don't actively participate in the aside's of Kim (kisses
returned!) Uther, Bear, Anne, Bronwen, M1ke and the others (sorry if I
missed you out), their daily comments and interjections, please, amuse
and entertain us. I wish I could think if timely answers to join in
with. Hawk weaves them into his story as the therapy continues, getting
hotter all the time. In the end one might observe that the therapist is
receiving therapy as well. Nice one Hawk, not at all rushed. If you
haven't all ready done so, do read it folks.
As a general aside, there has been a fair amount of comment on writing
construction and grammar. School left me behind more years ago than I
care to remember and while I try to be careful with the way I write,
both reviews and stories, some of the finer points tend to occasionally
escape me. I use a number of aids, one of the best being Fowler's Modern
English Usage (revised edition), no doubt other authors have their own
guides. I try to read both my own writing and the work of other people
from the perspective of hoping that neither the grammar or spelling
intrude on my enjoyment. Hawk passed this test with flying colours. I
only hope the professional writers amongst us agree. :-) (That should
start some discussions! - I hope.)
Ratings for As the Paige Turns: The Second Coming
Technical quality: 10
Plot & character: 10
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Secretarial Practice" by F. Alyque Simbal (jlund@poboxes.com). Guest
review by Mike Hunt.
"Secretarial Practice" is not a sex story. It is, however, a short, well
written descriptive sex scene, and I guess that's enough most of the
time. The protagonist in the story is a man of unusual proportions:
either he has the world's largest penis or he wears beer-cans between
his legs. We don't learn much about the woman, except that she's a
secretary, and she's very attractive. Maybe that's enough for some
readers, too.
To help you decide if you want to find the story, I thought a couple of
very short excerpts (with page references in parenthesis) might be
handy: "c'mon, you fucking whore! take my cock!"(1) "Come on, bitch,
take it!"(2) "Suck my cock," he commanded."(4) "C'mon bitch! Suck!"(5)
"C'mon, whore, take it!"(6)
Question: With creative dialogue like this, how could I possibly give a
bad review?
Answer: I don't need to.
OK, I left out some of the more descriptive passages, and some of them
are well constructed, even sexy. But impossibly big dicks and improbably
pretty girls don't necessarily make a story arousing. A tip for F.
Alyque Simbal. A good story has enough prologue to make the reader care
about the characters, and possibly even a plot. Next time find one.
Ratings for "Secretarial Practice"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 4
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 5
"E-mail and the Common House Fly" by Nick T. (Posted as kim.htm).
Guest review by Anne747.
Ick, ick, ick. Normally I wouldn't start a review this way, but I just
can't help it. Recently the topic of labeling has come up. I can't
even begin to tell you what kind of labels this should contain. Hints
of violence, bestiality, voyeurism, and snuff erotica. I don't know;
the whole thing just kind of made my skin crawl.
The thing is I like stories with twists and turns, which this one has.
To some extent there are perhaps a few too many: the plot is almost
confusing. I can't summarize the plot without giving some of it away.
You'll have to read it and decide for yourself. But I wasn't kidding
about the above topics.
The writing isn't bad, although the formatting was a little odd. There
are definite scene breaks, but no real divisions. This supposedly was
an .htm file, and the divisions were supposed to be in the form of a
horizontal line. However, when I pulled it in using Netscape it was
unreadable (no line breaks). And using my word pro only the <HR> told
me there was supposed to be a break. The grammar wasn't too bad - a few
things caught my eye, like ‘had had' which I'm sure is wrong! Okay,
basically I just didn't like it.
Ratings for "E-mail and the Common House Fly"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 0 (gee, when I don't like it, I
don't like it!)
"Underneath The Mango Tree" by Jayant Lund (jlund@poboxes.com). Guest
review by Kim.
I'm not at all sure I can spin this review out very far. It's the plot
of this story, you see. The problem is, there isn't one. The characters
are cardboard-thin stereotypes, the dialog is, at times, laughable, and
the grammar is desperately clunky in parts. Trouble is, I loved every
fucking moment of it.
And that's pretty much all the two protagonists do, the entire length of
the piece. The cute little seventeen-year-old Anita, and her Uncle, Dinu
get it together under a Mango tree and fuck, and fuck, and then fuck
some more. And then after that they fuck again.
I marveled at the alarming descriptions, such as "Her cunt cramped
hungrily on his penis" and "his cock scrunching in, his hips twitching
at her buttocks" or my favorite "She orgasmed violently, shuddering,
gasping, mewing, keening and panting all at once."
What can I say? It's dopey, it's not terrifically well written, it's
clicheed in the extreme, it's got entirely unnecessary incest as a
central theme, and I had a spectacularly satisfying orgasm, as I diddled
myself towards the end of reading it.
So, not one for Malinov or Johnny D, I think, but Anne should love it.
Ratings for "Underneath The Mango Tree"
Athena (technical quality): 9 (Ok, it's not *that* bad,
grammatically speaking)
Venus (plot & character): 5 (There wasn't any)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 10 (Entirely against my better judgment,
I got wet as hell)
"The Juvenile Casting Couch" by D.Abby (Dabby@access.mountain.net).
Guest review by BillyG.
The author of this story, D. Abby, states that "It contains scenes
depicting sex among minor children and, between minors and adults."
If we reach to a legalistic morality, I know what a minor is. That
distinction is blurred in face of a situational morality and approaches
non-existence in the a.s.s. milieu. The vagaries of my life set in
place that real-life situation where as a "minor" I was in fact largely
responsible for my own life. It's not surprising then that I'm able to
allow more leeway in the fantasy world depicting "sex with minors."
Moreover, in my own case I was a minor when I first had sex with a girl,
another minor as it turned out. Our moralistic stance notwithstanding,
that's the way it happens for the vast majority of us. Too, as a minor,
I held libidinous thoughts and desires for girls (women) who were
"adults." <Gasp>. So when I read a fantasy that edges into that
situation, I don't feel as if I'm in enemy territory.
I suppose it's because of that implied stance that Celeste asked me to
review a story of this caliber, given that she "normally avoid/ignore(s)
these (pedophile) stories; but when someone specifically asks me to
review stories of this kind, I usually try to comply."
Our positions, Celeste's and mine, aren't as disparate as she might
think. In point of fact, I have a particular distaste for the
unbalanced relationship - between the empowered and the unempowered -
that's taken to any extreme. In that light, I find non-consensual
stories not to my liking. In the case of the true minor, there can be
no true (informed ) consent.
So, how much does all of this apply to "The Juvenile Casting Cough"?
It's decidedly unclear to me, for there's a marked discrepancy between
the stated chronological age of the protagonist, Patrick Leary at age
12, and his apparent maturation. His emotions and maturity suggest he's
an adult playing the part of a twelve-year-old boy.
Still, that doesn't make or break this story. It's not a story of non-
consensual sexual abuse of kids, at least the way I see it. And that's
about as far as I'll go in this story's defense, for it's not a very
erotic story either. Once again, an author introduces quantity as a
substitute for quality. There are simply too many people treated too
superficially to pull us in. Pat Leary has sex of some sort or another
with a neighborhood woman and later her daughter, a boy friend's sister,
an adult female move star, and another 12-year-old actress, usually one
at a time, but later in groups. Just when it appears that a more
substantive relationship might be forming with someone, the story moves
on, never to interact with that person again.
The "seductions" are mostly gratuitous. Actually the author spends more
time setting up a jerk-off session between two boys than he/she does
with other, seemingly more complex characters. The story bounces along
from one sex scene to another and always accompanied by the writer's
signature orgasm which in short order grows wearisome. Regardless of
the passion or lack of it, regardless of the situation, the
protagonist's orgasm is given graphic sound effects. Are you ready.
Here it is! Spurt, spurt, spurt, dribble, dribble, dribble.
When I was 12, I could relate to the spurt-spurt part, but the dribble-
dribble part would have been foreign to me and again suggests that some
old guy is playing the part of the kid.
Grades: 9, 7, 5
"The Transfiguring Eye" by Richard Rivers (r_rivers@cryogen.com). Guest
review by Bronwen.
Celeste tells jokes; so perhaps I'll be forgiven if I do too.... Three
Frenchmen are defining 'savoir faire'. The first says "A man comes home
unexpectedly and finds his wife; she is entertaining a lover and the
husband shrugs, simplement. That is savoir faire!"
"Mais non," cries the second. "The man, he comes home. He finds the wife
and her lover - he shrugs. He says: 'Continuez'. Now that is savoir
faire."
"It is far more than that, my friends," says the third. "The man he
comes home. There is the wife, the lover - the man shrug - he say
'continuez'... And if the lover he CAN - THAT is savoir faire!"
This story reminds me forcefully of that joke. The lovers are deep in
foreplay when the phone rings. It's a sadistic voyeur watching them with
a high powered rifle (night sights). They've got to do what he asks to
survive. They do. Has got to be one of the most deeply unerotic
scenarios I can imagine. "Fuck or I'll blow you away."
The sex is extremely well described, the grammar fine but I found the
story chilly and annoying. For a start, any couple whose sex life can
flag enough before they even move in together to undergo a renaissance
once they're sharing an apartment should rethink their whole
relationship in my book. Should be at it like rabbits or not move in at
all....
I couldn't believe in their reactions to the gunman. Any sane person
would have been terrified - and trying to think ahead. Plus the
explanation given for the woman's possession of a particular sex toy was
lame. Oh, and the ending was weak. What about their feelings?
Maybe it's just a Brit reaction. Maybe US gun laws mean American
citizens are totally relaxed about being held at gunpoint - but somehow
I suspect not.... I know this author as an interesting, intelligent
contributor to assd - I'm sure he could come up with more convincing
characters, a sexier scenario. Please do!
Ratings for "The Transfiguring Eye"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 3 (didn't squick me, but did turn me
right off)
"After the Funeral" by losgud (lushgod@hotnomail.com). Guest review by
BillyG.
When I first contemplated doing guest reviews for Celeste, I rubbed my
hands, already framing the complimentary phrases I'd employ in
describing the writing of many of the a.s.s.m. contributors. Then once
again, reality struck! I found myself reaching for expressions other
than insipid or crappy and mumbling, "How come M1ke Hunt gets all the
good stuff?"
It suddenly got better when Celeste sent "After the Funeral." I said
aloud, "Oh boy!" I've read a few of losgud's stories, liked ‘em all and
looked forward to this one. I wasn't disappointed.
I like his style. It's unhurried, almost languorous. No nameless,
faceless fucking in his stories. The characters emerge as very real
people, often with a sense of humor and tender foibles known to all of
us. The plots are often everyday situations characterized by plausible
events that usually lead to an anticipated erotic connection, usually
well into the story. It's much like listening to a familiar tale whose
plot is known and the joy of it comes in the telling. I KNOW what's
going to happen when Tommy and Ashley get together; the delight is
watching it happen.
Tommy's mom and dad and his sister have returned to Grandmother's place
to bury her. She's had a good life and there are no false tears.
There's no breast beating in this story. To the contrary, the family
has a refreshing, near-irreverent humor. After the funeral, the adult
siblings, Tommy and Ashley end up taking a nap together and well . . .
it's far better read than recounted.
The story's warm and funny and sensuous BEFORE it becomes much warmer
and very erotic. Add it to your "must read" list.
Grades: 10,10,10
"French Fries and a Coke" by Linda (lindajean@stealthmail.com). Guest
review by Dart.
Roger and his girlfriend, Linda, are in the supermarket. Roger is
scanning the shelves for the items they need while Linda is scanning
Roger's cute rear end. At the checkout counter, Roger comments on the
firm breasts of the checkout girl. Linda understands that Roger's
comment was not intended to hurt her, but was simply, perhaps, an
inappropriate comment. Nevertheless, she feels the need to get even.
This reprisal consists of fondling him in the checkout line, and then
making suggestive comments to the checkout girl about the bananas they
purchased. On their way home, she decides that she'd like to stop for
some French fries. Roger agrees, and swings into the drive-through lane
at the local burger house. While they're waiting on their order, Linda
continues to get even. You'll have to read the story to discover exactly
what this consists of.
This is a cute, bubbly story, but I don't understand Linda's concept of
getting even.
Ratings for "French Fries and a Coke"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Dart (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Lydia" by Brother Cadfael (Brother_Cadfael@earthcorp.com).
Guest review by DG.
This is a very short story which reads like a middle chapter in a
multipart story, or like a single episode of a soap opera. I browsed
around to see if I could find more parts to the story, and I discovered
that Brother Cadfael tends to post very short snippets rather than fully
developed stories, so I am assuming it was written to stand alone.
The narrator has a friend named Lydia, with whom he wishes he had a
romantic relationship. When Lydia's boyfriend hits her, she moves in
with the narrator, and he discovers that she has romantic feelings for
him also; but they decide to hold off on having sex. That's about it -
no background on the characters, no sex to speak of.
Although "Lydia" is well-written and the author seems to have a talent
for storytelling, I can't really give high marks to something that
doesn't seem to be complete. I'd like to read something by this author
that is more fully developed.
Ratings for "Lydia"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7 (both are there but underdeveloped)
DG (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Nine Ball" by MNelson (mnelson663@aol.com). Guest review by Sven the
Elder. {Note from Celeste: Occasionally I accidentally get a second
review of a story. This one was originally reviewed in CR 226. That
reviewer liked this story, but the present reviewer liked it even
better.}
Now and a again it's rather nice to come across an unexpectedly good
short story by an author I've not come across before. Good dialogue,
good construction neatly written. This, as might be gathered from the
title is a story written round a pool game. A hustling pool game, but
with a nice difference. It also has a nice twist in the tail. Other than
that, more I will not say. <G> Do read it - having recently come back to
the game of pool after a very long lay-off, I may never view the game in
quite the same light.
Ratings for Nine Ball
Technical quality: 10
Plot & character: 10
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Forays" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Guest review by
Anonymous Reviewer. {Don't bother asking who wrote it; I'm sworn to
secrecy. Actually, I found it on a.s.s.d.}
Think back to your last experience of missionary-position sex. Not the
one in Macy's window, but the one before that, alone in the privacy and
comfort of a bedroom with your significant other. Was it really so
boring that you would have skipped it if the reruns on TV had been a
little better? Or was it a time of passion and satisfaction?
Uther Pendragon bets on the latter. He thinks that hot sex, even hot
descriptions of sex, don't require three sex toys, two visiting firemen,
and a large German shepherd.
"Forays" is a weekend in the saga of Bob and Jeanette Brennan, now
married ten years and very new parents. Their baby is becoming a bit
more predictable, Jeanette has recovered from the delivery. They are
beginning to notice the external world and even make forays into it.
Bob is turned on by seeing Jeanette breastfeed their baby, 'The Kitten.'
Jeanette misses the 'tiger' that Bob sometimes was before her pregnancy
made him careful. Each makes plans to satisfy those needs. The Kitten,
presumably without planning, interposes her own immediate needs. They
cope, and ultimately everyone's needs are satisfied.
This isn't a "Lust Weekend." Bob and Jeanette get on with their lives
and then make love at bedtime. They do the laundry, prepare meals,
change diapers, write history exams, and attend church. Jeanette signs
up for a French course and practices her French on The Kitten. Bob's
puns in French are no more edifying than his puns in English. When you
check, however, you find that more than half the words are spent on the
sex scenes.
An Aster story makes you wish that you could live in his universe, a
Viddler story makes you glad that you don't live in his, a Deirdre story
makes you suspect that you might. You live in Bob and Jeanette's
universe (except for time flow). Don't you wish that you lived with one
of them?
Ratings for "Forays"
Superego (proper English*) : 10
Id (development of plot, characters, and lust): 10
Ego (appeal to reviewer) : 10
* The reviewer did not evaluate the French Grammar."
"My Neglected Wife” and “Working Late” by Steve1044
(Steve1044@aol.com). Guest reviews by The Wease1
(thewease1@cyberjunkie.com).
I hear there's some fella named Hunt or Cunt or something like
that who has some kind of problem with story reviews written by
weasels. Or so he says. When you get right down to it, the
reviewers he complains about are really all musicians, or
librarians, or boatmen. Now listen up, y'all -- if you have a
problem with some musicians, or librarians, or boatmen, you take
it up with them, but leave the genus *mustela* out of it!
Remember, wolverines are just really big weasels (although some
folks seem to confuse them with bears <g>). I don't think any of
you wants a pack of wolverines coming around to your door to
straighten out any further libels of the weasel family. Do we
understand each other now? Good.
When I posted a comment in ASSD about a couple of new stories by
Steve1044, I mentioned my hope that "Celeste or one of her
minions" would review them properly. I had no idea that I was
about to be co-opted as a minion and assigned the task of
attempting a proper review.
The first of the two stories recently posted by Steve1044 is "My
Neglected Wife." The title of this one suggests another ho-hum
wifeslut story, and when I saw it in ASSM I just clicked right on
past. Then after I read Steve1044's second story, "Working Late,"
I came back for this one. I'm glad I did.
The story begins with a husband coming home from work and his wife
expressing her anger with the way he ignores her needs for
affection. They have not made love together for over six months,
and she tells him, “Don’t touch me unless you mean it!” In some
stories a situation like this might lead to Hubby taking Wife out
to amateur night at a strip club and then inviting four or five
guys to come home with them to "satisfy" her. Instead, this man
calls his boss and arranges a day off so that he can take care of
her *himself*. (Imagine that!) I liked this setup so much that I
was willing to ignore some minor flaws in the story, but as a
reviewer I suppose I should explain my ratings.
I gave it a 6 on technical quality because of some unevenness in
narration in the first two paragraphs, and a number of awkward or
incomplete sentences and (apparently) missing words throughout the
story. Some good proofreading could really improve this story and
bring it up to a 10 on this rating. I gave it a 10 on plot and
character because the characters seemed like real people with real
feelings and emotions, and the plot made sense. I gave it an 8 on
appeal to reviewer because it could have used a little more detail
in the sex scenes -- not necessarily in-out-in-out [repeat until
orgasm], but something more than “we made love five times.”
The second of the two stories is "Working Late." The male
protagonist works as a physician's assistant for a bitch-lady
doctor. Because of a major goof-up in giving one patient some
allergy-serum intended for another, he is punished by having to
stay after work and take inventory. By coincidence, the
receptionist that he likes to flirt with also makes some mistake
that same day, and the bitch boss gives her the same punishment,
working late to take inventory. You can probably guess the rest of
the story yourself, but go ahead and read it because Steve1044 has
written a good, hot sex scene, much better than the sex scenes in
“My Neglected Wife.”
This story also gets a 6 on technical quality, for the same
problems noted in the first story plus an amazing number of
misused homonyms (their for there, shear for sheer, etc.). Some
proofing could really help the readability of both of these
stories. I gave this one only an 8 for plot and character, because
the two main characters both say some things that just don’t seem
to fit. For example, before having sex they discuss their recent
breakups with former significant others -- then after the sex she
asks him if he has a girlfriend. Another example -- right in the
middle of receiving a hot blowjob, the male leaps to the
conclusion that, “judging by her talents, Julie probably gave head
to anything that moved.” These incongruities tend to jolt me out
of a story, making me think, “Huh? Why did he/she say *that*?” In
spite of the flaws noted, I did like this story, and the sex scene
was well done. I gave it a 10 on appeal to reviewer.
Unlike those musicians, librarians, and boatmen that some folks
have complained about, I have included my e-mail address on this
review for questions, feedback, offers of money or sex, etc. In
case you didn't notice it up above, it is
thewease1@cyberjunkie.com. Please remember that the final
character in Wease1 is a "one" (1) not an "ell" (l). Thanks.
Ratings for "My Neglected Wife”
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 10
Wease1 (appeal to reviewer): 8
Ratings for "Working Late”
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 8
Wease1 (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Dominatrix Found in Amber" by PleaseCain. I would do this story an
injustice by trying to summarize it. I can best describe it as a
surrealistic description of implied sexuality. It is well written but
confusing - but the confusion is intentional. It's really pretty
interesting.
Ratings for "Dominatrix Found in Amber"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* “Elly” by Friar Dave. This author is good at hot, sexy romance.
In this story the initial flirtation and first lovemaking are
especially sexy. Then things take a serious turn. Elly is
beautiful - her tits are her nicest feature; but she has a severe
emotional problem: she thinks she is a slut because she is
multiorgasmic. Our narrator gives her the Quick Cure, and Elly
happily realizes that being a slut as she has defined it can be OK
as long as she keeps it in perspective. This is not Friar Dave’s
best story, but it’s still very good! The sexual descriptions are
excellent, but the plot lacks complete integration.
A final comment. The narrator says, “I explained to her that if
you read for an hour a day, you read a couple of books a week. In
thirty years, that's around three thousand books.” There’s
something wrong here. That reasoning might apply to the kind of
“books” you can buy from greeting card displays, but I seriously
doubt that serious readers other than Evelyn Wood can read two
good books in seven hours. On a related note, however, I just
realized that at the rate I’m going, in 30 years I will have read
and reviewed 28,000 stories for this newsgroup. Of course, by
that time either my sex drive will have declined or I’ll retire
from teaching, and so I’ll have the time. And maybe I’ll be able
to read two books a week.
Ratings for “Elly”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "For Bearing" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Jeanette is so
pregnant that sex has become awkward, but they still do it. The action
is sweet and romantic. As I have said before, the child needs to know
that mommy and daddy like each other, and the main thing is that the
penis should be removed before the baby comes out.
The reason for the "8" for plot is that this segment is not a complete
story in itself. The series is still 10-10-10. If you have never read
any other segments in this series, you're likely to be left wondering
what in the world is going on here. On the other hand, those of us who
grown to know Jeanette and Bob will be pleased to see that things are
still normal in the Brennan household.
Ratings for "For Bearing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10