Celestial Reviews 227 - October 22, 1997
Note: A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed, he
begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do
you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her
breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
Second note: This older couple met at a bar and one thing led to
another and he ended up going to her place. Things got hot and heavy
and pretty soon clothes started coming off. She stopped and said,
"Before we go any further, I have to tell you I have acute angina."
"That's good," he says, "Because your tits are sure ugly."
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The High Plane" by Unknown Author (mile-high sex)
10, 10, 10
"Special Treatment" by Eli the Bearded (after the sex)
10, 10, 9
"Identical Twins" by Mike Hunt (on-stage threesome)
10, 10, 10
"The Visit" V.P. Viddler (sexual cruelty) 10, 8, 3
"Pit Stop" by Mary Jorsay Gandmar (voyeurism & hot sex)
10, 10, 10
"The Real Thing" by Jayant Lund (humping the Mistress)
10, 9, 9
"Video Knights In Katmandu" by F. Alyque Simbal (porn movie)
10, 7, 5
"Pimples and Demon" by Jim Fix (emerging adolescent fantasy)
10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Hunts the Night by H.D. Meister" (slightly furry sex) 4, 9, 9.5
"The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy" by Unknown Author
(juvenile humor) 5, 2, 0
"Xena: The Bed of the Beast" by Ray Antonio (superhero sex)
10, 10, 10
"Mardi Gras Adventure: New Orleans" by Hawk Richards (festival
sex) 2, 5, 3
Reposted Reviews:
* "Deja Vu" by Ann Douglas (nostalgia & romance) 10, 10, 10
* "The Love Boat" by Ann Douglas (ff romance) 9, 10, 10
* "Voortrekkers" by Uther Pendragon (sexy memories & romance)
10, 10, 10
* "Awakenings" by Annette (virgin to slut transition)
10, 10, 10
* "My Wedding" by WouldBeBad (wedding orgy) 10, 10, 10
* "May" by Eli the Bearded (work break) 9.5, 10, 10
* "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty" by
Unknown Author (three-way) 5, 5, 5
"The High Plane" by Unknown Author (Reposted by Bookman Archives). This
is another one of those stories about people who get high on sex in
airplanes. Imagine that. Yes, imagine that! I'm a member of the mile-
high club myself. The thrill lies in the possibility of detection even
if you try to be careful plus the knowledge that you're getting by with
something about which the other people around you are unaware - or
almost unaware, as is the case in this story. The author combines two
elements - the secret tryst of the lovers in first class plus their
observation by another passenger - to make this a really good story.
Ratings for "The High Plane"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Special Treatment" by Eli the Bearded (usenet-tag@qz.little-
neck.ny.us). In this case the author simply wanted to try a story that
begins AFTER the sex. So what we have is the narrator doing very nice
but not sexually explicit things to the woman to whom he has just
finished making love. It's not pornography, but it's very romantic.
Ratings for "Special Treatment"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Identical Twins" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com). Sometimes I wonder
where Mike Hunt gets his ideas for these stories; then I remember -
these things all really happened to him. It must be really easy to
write titillating stories when your life has been just one long series
of barely interrupted sexual escapades.
In this episode, Mike Hunt has gone to a business meeting in LA, but he
picks up the wrong luggage at the airport. His wife June calls to tell
him that a woman at another hotel has his suitcase, which is identical
to his (hence the title). When he takes a cab to the other hotel to
switch luggage, he discovers that the person with his luggage is a
beautiful woman with a sister who looks exactly like her (hence the
title). To make a long story short (which is the purpose of a
synopsis), the women are strippers in town for a show; but Mike Hunt
ruins one set of their clothes, and so he has to join them in a modified
act during which he has sex with them on stage in front of the Royal
Order of the Beaver.
This is Mike Hunt at his charming, witty best!
Ratings for "Identical Twins"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Visit" V.P. Viddler (Reposted by <spamhater@spam-be-gone.net>).
When I saw about 50 stories by this author being reposted, I decided I
would review one myself and ask a guest reviewer to do another.
However, I couldn't get a guest reviewer to accept the challenge. They
all took one look and commented something like, "I'm interested in sex
stories, not torture stories."
When I read this one, I saw exactly what they meant. The story is well
written, in the sense that the grammar is mostly correct and the events
follow one another in a meaningful order. But the plot is illogical in
the sense that the man inflicts terrible and absolutely silly pain and
humiliation on the woman, and she enjoys it - and there's not even a
hint of an explanation why this should be so.
I have seen good stories that examine the mind of demented people.
Edgar Alan Poe has written several excellent stories of this kind; but
Poe's stories make sense in a deranged way. This story gave me no
rationale to explain either the cruel behavior or the woman's acceptance
of it.
In addition, I know that there are lots of normal women who enjoy
fantasizing about being raped; but even that is not possible with this
story. To use an analogy, fantasizing over this story would be like
fantasizing over the "pleasures" of being whacked in the head with a
two-by-four or of repeatedly vomiting and then re-swallowing the vomit.
If you're one of the people in the world who just likes descriptions of
sick and bizarre behavior (and I hope there are not many of you), then
this whole series may be of interest to you. Otherwise, don't go here
if you're looking for hot and sexy stories.
Ratings for "The Visit"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Pit Stop" by Mary Jorsay Gandmar. The author of this story is from
India. I received several of these stories from a person who said that
the Indian connection to the Internet was sort of tenuous. Anyway, I am
reviewing three of the stories in this issue; but I'll wait to see if
they actually start showing up in the newsgroup before I review any more
of them. Meanwhile, just in case these stories don't show up after all,
I'll include the following mini-story, which is loosely related to
India, which is what Christopher Columbus was looking for when he
discovered America, which is why I received no snail mail a week ago
Monday.
A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago, and he finds an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie
offers to grant him one wish. The man replies, "I've always wanted to be
lucky."
The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls, wondering how this
will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a
bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the ten-spot, he notices an OTB
betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing
lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the
Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and the horse
bolts from behind in the stretch to win the race.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to a local illegal casino, fronts
up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky
seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying, but he has to go to the bathroom. However, he
chooses the wrong door and winds up in an underground brothel instead.
As he enters, all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and is
handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm
around him and says in an Oriental accent, "Welcome sir! We have much
pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer. You
have won the right to enjoy the pleasures from any girl who works here,
absolutely free of charge."
The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl <aha
- the connection!>; and so he's ushered into one of the rooms. In
strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not
much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and they are
field testing the Karma Sutra.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the woman, "You are one of the
most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how
lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian
women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sa'ib {I made that part
up - the rest is true, except the Sa'ib}, I am here to please you and
succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please
scratch off my caste mark."
So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back
and starts laughing hysterically.
"What's wrong, Sa'ib, what's wrong?" asks the Indian woman.
The guy replies, "You're never going to believe this - I've just won a
car!"
Anyway, the previous paragraphs are completely unrelated to the current
story, which is about a taxi driver who first watches a couple engage in
really heavy petting in the back seat of his cab and then has wild and
wonderful sex with the young woman after he deposits her boyfriend at
his destination. This is an extremely well written story that maintains
sexual tension and interest most effectively. Watch for it when it
arrives from the East!
Of course, we all know that they speak English on the subcontinent, but
what you may not know is that zippers go "krik" when flies come open in
India and cabbies "judder" across intersections - at least when they are
voyeurizing the couple in the back seat. But the linguistic differences
are minor: they still shoot cum, swallow jizz, and shout "Ohfuckyes!"
while doing so. They also have access to some sex drugs that work a lot
better than anything I've heard of in the U.S., but then I just say
"Ohfuckno!" to drugs anyway.
Ratings for "Pit Stop"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Real Thing" by Jayant Lund. This is another one of the stories
from my Indian Connection. This one is about a wealthy woman giviing
her chauffeur sausage and eggs between the legs. Some things are the
same the world over - muscular young gigolos have to make a living.
{I'm not sure that's the correct plural of "gigolo" - Where is Dan
Quayle when you really need him?} Like the stateside version of many
such stories, this one was not as hot as it could have been: I needed to
see something else happening besides the mistress being humped by the
servant and liking it while he called her a "dirty whore. On the other
hand, this is still a pretty good story.
I am perhaps preoccupied with potentially unique subcontinental
expressions, and so I was impressed when "her servant's huge, hot,
glorious penis surged into her wet, clonic cunt." Look that one up in
your Fuck and Wagnall's.
Ratings for "The Real Thing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Video Knights In Katmandu" by F. Alyque Simbal. (You have to read the
author's name phonetically to get it - kind of like Mike Hunt in the
Black Hole of Calcutta.} This is the third and final of the three
stories from India that I plan to review at this time. This one is a
"story" about what happens on a porn video. The basic problem is that
not much "happens" on a porn video - the thing that porn videos are most
notable for besides sex is that they have no plot. And so a story about
a movie that has no plot will also have no plot.
On the other hand, maybe Larry Flint has just opened his first porn
video store in India, and so Indian men and women might really need this
information.
Now the stereotypes kick in. I know very little about India, except
what I learned from Bob Hope and Abbott and Costello, but I think they
have harems and sex slaves over there. What if this story is written by
an author whose Master said she had better get high scores from "that
American Cunt"? What if as a result of my low ratings for this story,
the Master makes her strip down to nothing but her nipple clamps and let
him spank her with a bamboo rod (from Burma, of course) while she licks
the cunts of the other authors of the harem who have been more
successful. Nope - can't do it. I tried to write bdsm sentence, and
it's not even as good as my story about the genie.
Ratings for "Video Knights In Katmandu"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Pimples and Demon" by Jim Fix (jimfix@home.net). This is the seventh
story by Jim Fix that has been reviewed in Celestial Reviews, and all of
them have gotten high ratings. One thing that I have noticed is that my
guest reviewers tend to give him very high ratings in style and plot,
but slightly lower ratings in "appeal to reviewer." I can't be sure,
but I suspect that this is because they have some reservations about the
ethical or social soundness of the behaviors depicted in the stories.
That's because this author tends to write about teenagers having sex
with adults.
This story follows that same pattern. The young boy gets a job as a
gardener for a beautiful widow in her 20s, and he quickly discovers that
the job has fringe benefits that he really likes. It's not just a
quick-fuck story; rather the relationship builds from gardening, to
conversation, to peach cobblers, to wild and passionate orgasms.
I suspect that some of my guest reviewers reject the simplistic
reasoning that "if she needs it and he enjoys it, then there's nothing
wrong with it." I agree 100% with their rejection - in real life, that
is. However, in the minds of teenage boys and men who have almost
stopped being teenage boys, the notion of sex with the horny widow is
surpassed in their imaginations only by sex with the lewd and lascivious
yet lithe and lovely English teacher.
Anyway, if you like this theme (now that you have permission to do so),
you'll enjoy this story.
Ratings for "Pimples and Demon"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Hunts the Night by H.D. Meister" (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest review
by Bronwen.
This is a slightly furry tale by an author who isn't too hot at either
spelling or punctuation... He or she can write, though. The atmosphere
is strongly described, the narrative unforced, and the use of language
often fresh. If this is an early story I would very much like to see the
author persist.
Ruthless proofreading would improve this story enormously, but it
already has more than a flicker of star quality. It's difficult to
capture the sheer overwhelming intensity of sexual arousal, but H.D.
Meister makes a powerful attempt. This is how s/he describes the female
partner's coming down from orgasm:
"Carrie simply fell. The ground had not the strength to even slow her
descent. Whirling mists tugged at her limbs, her nipples. Wisps
caressed her rose petal soft flower. The thunder of life boomed, boomed,
boomed between her thighs."
A bit baroque for some tastes, perhaps, but it's not clicheed. It
conveys the subjective experience vividly. This is not the best
paragraph, just a short example. The writing has passion - which is
worth a lot to this reviewer.
The plot is confusing, though maybe not if you're a furry aficionado. I
don't know much about werewolf conventions. Has he turned her into a
werewolf? Has he overcome his werewolf nature? Is he a werewolf anyway?
I dunno.
OTOH, none of these unanswered questions bothered me much. The story's
atmosphere of mystery, of the unexplained, is not hindered by things
_being_ unexplained....
Please work on your editing, H.D. Meister - poor grammar & spelling
stand between the reader and a very good story indeed.
Ratings for "Hunts the Night"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 9
Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy" by Unknown Author. Guest review
by Bookman. {This is one of those stories that someone sent me but did
not put their name with the manuscript itself. So even though the email
came with a name, I don't know who wrote this. After seeing this
review, I guess maybe that's just as well. - Celeste}
This story reminds me of a joke (he said, postponing the inevitable just
a little longer). It seems Elvis's parents didn't like the idea of him
being called Elvis the Pelvis, because he had a younger brother Eenis.
Are you laughing hysterically?
Well, that's more than you're going to get out of Amazing Adventures of
P.B.
Synopsis: There's this kid whose parents decided to name Penis, who
suffers life-long embarrassment about his name, until he's suddenly
kidnapped by aliens (oh, didn't I tell you about the aliens? Talk about
deus ex machina. Talk about 'out of left field'. Talk about something
else.), who can't figure out sex, so they stuff him in an artificial
vagina, then. . .
Look, folks, I'm not making this up. Oh, forget it.
Which is also probably the best thing to do with this latest entry in
the Not-Much-Better-Than-Spam Story Contest (you've not heard of this
contest? Surely you've seen some of the entries.). It's not funny, not
very well written, and there's not even any sex by any recognizable
description.
Moving on. . .
It is often difficult to combine sex and humor. Not that sex isn't
inherently funny. It is. Dirty jokes have been around ever since we
figured out how to talk; it's just that an explicit, arousing
description of sex demands a certain concentration, a focus, that humor
just blasts all to pieces. The most successful combinations of sex and
humor--the dirty joke, French farce, Italian commedia dell'arte--get
away with it by not being explicit. By not being actually arousing. By
skirting the issue, as it were. Or, in the case of the dirty joke,
combining the two, but not at the same time; explicit sex here, funny
comment there. It's illuminating to note that, while many X-rated
movies are built around an extended dirty joke, the sex ends once the
punch line is delivered. It's almost impossible to maintain a sexy mood
while somebody's laughing.
It would be a challenge worthy of the best writers we have to write a
genuinely funny/simultaneously explicitly sexy story. Anybody wish to
pick up the gauntlet?
Ratings for "The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy"
Athena (technical): 5 (it was at least legible)
Minerva (general appeal): 2
Apollo: (appeal to reviewer): 0 (total waste of time. The only
reason we didn't go into negative numbers was
because it wasn't disgusting.)
"Xena: The Blood of the Beast" by Ray Antonio
(antonior@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu, reposted by Dungeon Master
<dungeon@dngnbbs.com>. Guest Review by Piper
What happens when you mix Xena, a corrupt government, slavers, evil
warlords, a kidnapped princess, some wizards, and a fortress floating on
the back of a giant turtle? You get madness, mayhem, and a story worthy
of becoming a movie of the week.
This is the last, the longest, and the best of this batch of Xena
stories. It's almost as long as all the others put together. At the
same time, it's as good as all the others put together.
The author states that this story is set after Hercules defeats Xena and
puts her on the path to goodness, and before Xena meets Gabrielle and
gains a travelling companion. So, no Gabby. Instead, Xena hooks up
with one of the kidnapped princess's personal guard. He's young, tall,
well-built, and good looking (of course). He's also striking out on his
own to try and rescue the princess. Naturally, Xena decides to help
out.
Technically, this is a very tight story. I was hard-pressed to find any
typos or misused words. Even the English usage, while sometimes not as
sharp as it could be, is still better than the average a.s.s. posting.
The only thing this story lacks is a lot of sex. What there is fits in
well with the plot and storyline, and in my opinion, forcing more in
would actually intrude. There is lots of sexual situations and
innuendo, of course, and a fair dollop of NC stuff (what else would you
expect from slavers) to keep you titillated. This lack, in my opinion,
is not a deficiency for this story. Instead, there is detail, plot,
character development, angst, anticipation, and fun. A great read for
people who happen to like adventure stories that actually contain story.
Ratings for ""Xena: The Blood of the Beast"
Technical merit 10
Plot and character 10
Appeal to reviewer 10
"Mardi Gras Adventure: New Orleans" by Hawk Richards
(heminway@epix.net). Guest review by Wherryman.
"New Orleans" is a short story about a brief encounter during the hurly-
burly of Mardi Gras.
I was tempted to stop my review there but Celeste's readers expect
depth, insight, and on occasion, blood - so here goes...
At first I found the style annoying; bitty sentences, idiosyncratic
phrasing, and paragraphs that seemed to be out of order, all made it
difficult to follow. (Read paragraph 3 first.) I could see what the
author was trying to do; recreate the bustle and excitement of carnival
time, where everything seems to be happening at the same time. It didn't
work but was I being hasty? I re-read it.
This time round it was the odd phrasing that leapt out at me, bringing a
smile to face - not the author's intention, unfortunately. Here are
some samples:
- Blue eyes searched out her companions, but they found my eyes still
riveted to her. (Dr. Frankenstein strikes again)
- My hands gripped her firm ass cheeks and pulling them apart. (Ouch) -
She unstraddled my hips, (An erotic technique I'm not familiar with.)
Sorry but not even Celeste's proof-reading could save this one - the
proof-reader would qualify for top billing.
Ratings for "New Orleans"
Technical merit 2
Plot & character 5
Appeal to reviewer 3
* "Deja Vu" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net). Ann Douglas
placed four stories among my Top 100 of 1995. I have been keeping
a running list for 1996; and if I had to post that list right now,
she'd make it four more times. She'd make it even more often,
except that irritating proofreading errors get in the way. In
short, she writes very good stories. Let me tell you her secrets
to success.
First, she writes stories that contain vivid, realistic portrayals
of hot sex. Nearly all the stories on this newsgroup contain sex,
and a lot of them contain hot sex. What Ann Douglas does is to
write vivid, realistic portrayals of hot sex.
Second, her characters are normal people. Some of them are also
typical; but all of them are normal. Although some bible thumpers
would disagree, most of the protagonists are basically moral
people. Nearly everything that happens in her stories (except
maybe in the sci fi and comic book stories) is something that my
husband or I have done or could do or at least know somebody else
who has done it. These people are not depraved predators, sex-
starved sluts, contortionists with 12-inch penises, or generally
dysfunctional sex maniacs. I have a soft spot in my heart (as
well as somewhere else) for all the people covered in the previous
sentence; but readers like myself do like to read about normal
people. I get the impression that some people would disagree with
me on this point; Ann's characters - they would say - are not
normal, because they are lesbians or at least bisexual. I am not
a lesbian. I think I could enjoy lesbian or bisexual activity;
but I won't, because I have made a life-choice not to. In spite
of this, however, Ann's characters make perfect sense to me. A
very large number of readers feel this way. We enjoy Ann's
stories because her characters act the way we think we would act
(or would like to act) in similar situations.
Third, Ann embeds her hot, realistic sex and normal characters in
plots that are intelligent and well developed. A lot of authors
try to do this, and several succeed. What Ann and many of the
other successful authors do is integrate the sex with the plot in
an effective manner. Some authors who try to develop a plot fail
because they spend too much time on details that have no
connection with the sex. One of Ann's greatest strengths is that
while she is developing details, she is also developing sexual
anticipation by describing events and information that give us the
feeling that something exciting is going to happen and then later
make the sexual activities more interesting when they finally
occur.
Ann also uses other techniques effectively. For example, she's a
pro at the story-within-a-story technique; and her plots are often
set in exotic places or focus on important social issues. But I'm
convinced that the three techniques described in the preceding
paragraphs are what make this author's stories so consistently
good.
There! Now that you know all this, you yourself can compose
stories that are every bit as good as those written by this
author.
The present story is about Connie D'Angelo and her relationship
with her granddaughter and her memories of her own sexual
awakening during adolescence in the 1950's. Just read the story!
It does an excellent job of implementing the techniques I
described earlier in this review.
Ratings for "Deja Vu"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Love Boat" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net). This is NOT
a parody of the American sitcom - which was pronounced "The
Loooooove Boat," with a lovey-dovey cutesy intonation that's
impossible to duplicate without sound. No, this is a simple story
about two woman who go together for a vacation {i.e., holiday for
Brits} on a cruise ship that has been chartered for all lesbians -
except for their naive little selves. Let's see - Ann Douglas,
non-lesbians in a lesbian atmosphere - I wonder what will happen!
Well, as you may have guessed, both women begin to wonder what it
would be like to make love to another woman, and pretty soon they
become involved in sapphic delights. However, this is not a
purely lesbian story. While the women are clarifying their sexual
identity, there are numerous flashbacks to their prior
heterosexual escapades, and the mf snapshots are just about as hot
as the ff scenes.
A grammatical note: A female person with light colored hair is a
blonde. However, her hair itself is blond. That is, the "e" is
properly added to the word "blonde" only when it is a noun meaning
"a blonde person" or when it directly modifies an entire blonde
person, not just a part of her body. So my blonde friend has a
blond pussy. Well, not really; it's brown. But if she were a
real blonde, her hair would be blond not blonde. Lots of people
spell these words differently, but the way I have described is the
way it's supposed to be. Men are usually blonds - without the "e."
However, in this story we had an anomalously bearded blonde
bartender.
This story had more grammatical errors than most of Ann's recent
stories, but it was still a delightfully romantic and sexy story.
Ratings for "The Love Boat"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Voortrekkers" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Bob and
Jeanette Brennan are moving out of their apartment. It was "Bob and
Jeanette" who had moved into this apartment; it is" the Brennans" are
moving out. These two people are really in love. Sometimes it's
nauseating. I sometimes feel the urge to exit one of these Bob and
Jeanette stories and read a more wholesome, realistic rape and torture
story. But then I keep reading, and I am invariably glad I did.
I have friends who tease me about my own marriage. They are certain
that I am either simple-minded or lying: nobody can be this happy all
the time sleeping with the same man. {Actually, some of them are
certain that nobody could be this happy sleeping with ANY VARIETY of
men.} It would get boring, they say; and sometimes it does. Some of my
friends know what hell is really like, because they have been married.
What's nice about the Bob and Jeanette stories is that they are
realistically and blissfully happy. They have their ordinary lives
where they struggle together with mundane problems, but their genuine
love for each other is a source of strength, stability, and happiness.
At times it gets to where their sex life would HAVE to become boring;
but by God, somehow it gets even better.
I had a friend who was in the perfect marriage. She got divorced last
year. I was disillusioned. This author has a responsibility to keep
Bob and Jeanette together. They're the main source of stability in the
lives of millions of readers throughout the uncensored world. Please,
please - don't let them go the way of Bo and Billie or the other people
on the soaps.
These people have become my friends. I was actually excited to hear
that Jeanette has learned French! Ooops... I don't want to spoil the
surprise for you. They keep t'aiming and t'adoring as they drive across
the country to their new home in Boston, where Bob will continue his
education and Jeanette will get a job to continue to make that education
possible.
The story is a really outstanding blend of current events and past
memories; and the memories themselves are a wonderful blend of things I
myself know (from previous stories) and new information from the Early
Life and Courtship of Bob and Jeanette; and those memories are a
delightful blend of ideas and events that overlap with my own life and
things completely new to me. And the blends are very sexy.
Come to think of it, in some ways Bob is even better than my husband.
For example, as far as I can see, Bob never farts during really intimate
moments. I think Bob may also be better with his hands, although my
husband still seems to have the edge with regard to his tongue.
I am reminded of my daughter, who makes a similar comment about her
birthday each and every year - this is the best Bob and Jeanette story
ever!
Ratings for "Voortrekkers"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Awakenings" by Annette. The young lady is a naive virgin who
has just graduated from a Swiss finishing school. Her big turn-on
is the thought that when a man penetrates her for the first time
it will be to shoot live ammunition at an unprotected target. She
gets all churned up at the idea of totally unprotected sex with an
even chance of being put in the family way. When a rich guy she
really likes comes on strong to her, she tells him her feelings
and says she's just not quite ready yet. Naive? Well, sort of;
but she certainly knows how to keep Alan at bay!
She resolves to be a virgin when she marries Alan; but shortly
before the wedding he gets called away for work for two months
overseas, and she goes on a cruise. The cruise ship is a
veritable stud farm; and she mates with the ships mate. Not to
worry; he'll use a condom. Ooops! To hell with the condom; he'll
withdraw. Ooops! To hell with withdrawal; he has a supply of the
RU 462 morning after pill. Ah! Ecstasy (or Ecstacy, as the Brits
say); ten straight days and nights of ecstasy. Ooops! If you've
never seen an RU 462 pill, I guess it's easy to confuse them with
Relaxatabs.
The story has minor proofreading errors; but if I managed to
ignore them, you can probably do so as well.
Here is a lesson from the English teacher that lies hidden inside
me. Comedians and newscasters frequently talk about oxymorons.
They give as examples "military intelligence," "governmental
efficiency," and "honest lawyer." It may be funny to refer to
these as oxymorons, because by doing so the speaker is suggesting
that the military is inherently unintelligent, the government
inefficient, and lawyers dishonest. The problem with those
examples is that they are better examples of humor than of
oxymorons.
This author uses a true oxymoron when the protagonist sees her
first engorged penis and refers to as "how beautifully ugly!"
That's a perfect oxymoron. I once heard the person behind me at a
wedding ceremony refer to the bride's "utterly ugly beauty" -
making the point that the extreme artificiality of her makeup was
not beautiful at all. There's a famous Latin expression: "festina
lente" - make haste slowly, or as Yogi Berra put it, "Take your
time; but hurry up!" A genuine oxymoron makes a point. In the
story, the idea is that the male sex organ fully engorged with
blood is really pretty grotesque if you look at it objectively;
but if you look at it from the potential pleasure it can give,
it's beautiful. This is such a great example; I want so much to
use it as an illustration for my students, but I guess I had
better not. American middle class manners; now there's an
oxymoron for you!
Even aside from the oxymoron, the sexual scenes were delightfully
graphic. I strongly recommend this story.
Ratings for "Awakenings"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "My Wedding" by WouldBeBad (WouldBeBad@aol.com). When Bookman
reposted this story, he seemed uncertain of the author. I'm
pretty sure this attribution is correct. In fact, when I reviewed
this story back in CR 98, I'm pretty sure I received
correspondence from the author - who was surprised but pleased
that I gave it such high ratings.
The official wedding took place in the bride's parents' church,
with a wedding march, candles, flowers, and lots of guests. In her
vows she promised to obey Michael. To most of the people present,
this was just a phrase in the traditional wedding vows. A select
few who were invited to a separate ceremony later that day knew
more specifically what that vow meant. The bride was a successful
stoke broker, and she wanted no more stressful responsibility in
her private life. She had told Michael that she would give
herself to him in the privacy of their home if he would assume all
the responsibility. He could have her as a sex slave, if that
meant she didn't have to make decisions. This sounded like a
bargain to Michael; and so now she stood naked except for a garter
belt and a few sensual accouterments in front of a minister and an
audience of 20 people - eager but apprehensive about what would
happen next.
This is not your ordinary wedding ceremony. I won't go into
detail here. Use your imagination or read the story. It's very
well written.
Ratings for "My Wedding"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "May" by Eli the Bearded (usenet-tag@qz.little-neck.ny.us). The man
has been working too hard late at night, when the woman (May) arrives
and takes him outside into the darkness for a quickie on a blanket in a
grove of trees. This is very sexy stuff - the sort of things Robert
Frost skipped when he told us about New England.
Ratings for "May"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty" by Tori Redfern.
(Reposted by Bookman Archives). I think I have the real
name of this author - not the real, real name, of course,
but the name under which the author posted the story. I
originally found this story in the THC Archive neatly tucked
away under the title NYMPH1.TXT. Bookman lists it simply as
"Neighborhood Nympho."
Dick and Kathy are a young couple who have quarreled at a
party. Dick comes home early. The surprised baby-sitter
calls her mother and says something like, "These people have
quarreled, and the husband has come home alone; and so I
think I should stay here for a while." Mom, of course,
agrees; and, of course, the baby-sitter gives the guy some
really great head, which gives her the best orgasm of her
young life. The wife shows up and catches them in flagrante
delicto, of course; and she immediately starts caressing and
kissing the baby-sitter, and all three retire to the master
bedroom for some more leisurely sex. The husband and wife,
of course, become reconciled. The key to effective marital
counseling, it seems, is for the therapist (baby-sitter) to
pull the wife's probing fingers from the baby-sitter's
twitching ass before the husband pushes his raging cock
beyond the entrance to the baby-sitter's angelic ass. I'm
just kidding. The author didn't really say "angelic ass."
That would be silly. Actually it was the baby-sitter's
"pulsing anus."
Here's the worst idea in the story: "He would stick just the
tip {of his cock} in my pussy and sweep gobs of love juice
up into my anus." I think maybe this is how neighborhood
nymphos get their bad reputation. This strategy practically
guarantees a yeast infection. It's not even a good idea to
make this anus-to-vagina connection while masturbating. The
problem is that the microbes that inhabit one site don't
have any natural enemies in the other. It is common
practice to ignore HIV and STDs and birth control in a.s.s.
stories; but one of the surest ways to get a really bad rash
is to take an uncleaned penis directly from a person's anus
to the vagina or vice versa.
The author gets the Pristine Vocabulary Award for this
eloquent excerpt: "Kathy soon sucame...." Why not? It's
easier to spell than succumbed.
What really troubles me is that my American Heritage Online
Dictionary did not include the term "in flagrante delicto."
My offline unabridged dictionary does have it, but does not
include the word "in" as part of the phrase. Can someone
advise me? Even worse, my spellcheck thought that sucame
was supposed to be "sumac."
Ratings for "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho..."
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5