Celestial Reviews 212 - August 30, 1997
Note: When Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked
stepmother wouldn't let her, the fairy godmother actually told
Cinderella that she would provide for her everything she needed to go to
the ball, BUT ONLY ON 2 CONDITIONS.
First, Cinderella had to wear a diaphragm. Cinderella objected to this
condition, because she was already on the pill and didn't need a
diaphragm. However, Cindy eventually acquiesced.
The second condition was that Cinderella had to be back home at 2:00 AM.
Cinderella balked, and the FGM said that if she was not home by 2AM,
then her diaphragm would turn into a pumpkin.
At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM no Cinderella...4AM, no
Cinderella...finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a
huge grin on her face.
The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where
the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a
pumpkin 3 hours ago!!"
Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took
care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders what prince had this
type of power and asks Cinderella his name.
Cinderella replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something
or other..."
Second note: I have received some more commercial endorsements for
condoms:
American Express Condoms: Don't Leave Home Without It! (medically
correct)
Timex Condoms: It Takes A Licking, But It Keeps On Ticking.
Boy Scout Condoms: Be Prepared!
Wonder Bread Condoms: Helps Build Strong Penises Twelve Ways
"Tickle Me Elmo" Condom: (no line necessary)
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"A Triple-header Surprise" by Tom Bombadil (3 stories)
10, 9, 9
"Night of the Camel" by DG (humor) 10, 8, 8
"Anthony Brown, Sweet Smelling Stud" by The Warthog
(gang-bang & wife watching) 9.5, 9, 9
"The Heat" by Unknown Author (romantic self-fulfillment)
9.5, 10, 10
"Homework" by S.B. Douglass (emerging sexuality) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Sophia" by A. Sayed Masood (May-September romance)
6, 7, -
"A Change in Her" by Anne018 (mind control) 8, 8, 7
"The Camera Eye" by Spudboy (photographer sex) 8, 9, 10
"The Camera Eye - Episode 2" by Spudboy (photographer sex)
10, 10, 10
"I Love Lisa" by LM1 (romance) 8, 7, -
Reposted Reviews:
* "Abby Gets Pulled Over" by The Warthog (slutty wife)
10, 9, 7
* "Bobbie's Special Half-Time" by The Warthog (orgy)
9.5, 8, 6
* "Heat" by Mark Aster (hot sex with lady cop) 10, 10, 10
* "Heat" by Don Boettger (scientific research on estrus) 9, 9, 9
"A Triple-header Surprise (3 stories)" by Tom Bombadil
(stbush@iglou.com). These are three very short sex stories, each with a
surprise ending. In "Hypno-Twist" Tom thinks he has three sexy girls
hypnotized to be his sex slaves, but then he discovers that in truth he
is the sex slave of one of their friends, but then we find out that it's
all a trick as well. In "A Massage Surprise" the woman thinks she is
getting a very sensual message from her usual masseuse, but that turns
out not to be the case. In "Watching 2" we have a couple coupling while
the watch other couples coupling, but then we are surprised when we find
out what is really happening.
None of these is really a great story, but taken together they gave me
ten minutes of very enjoyable reading.
Ratings for "A Triple-header Surprise"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Night of the Camel" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com). About a third of
the way into this story I realized I was reading a very long set-up to a
very old joke. As the author suggests, the original joke had a certain
element of pathos; and by filling in the missing details the author has
made the joke more complete and certainly more pathetic. {Sorry about
that, cunning linguists don't get all the credit they deserve.}
Ratings for "Night of the Camel"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Anthony Brown, Sweet Smelling Stud" by The Warthog
(linetwo@connect.net). This author has written a series of stories
about Gang-Bang Virgins. The term applies to shy, respectable women who
are deeply devoted to their husbands but become real sexual dynamos when
they manage to get gang-banged in the presence of their husband. {This
is the Warthog's theory, not mine.}
Usually the Warthog's gang-bangs take place in front of the tube while
the guys watch football or at the company picnic; but this time the
context is a romantic weekend getaway. The guy has bought his wife some
sexy clothes, and the plan is that she will go to the bar ahead of him;
and then he will come in, seduce her, and take her back to the hotel
room for a sexy finale. However, before the guy reaches the bar, the
wife meets Anthony Brown, a black guy with a monster cock and cologne
that draws women like shit draws flies (hence the title). Anthony has
the wife pick up a few more guys from the nearby sidewalk, and then
everyone bangs the wife; and, of course, the wife falls more deeply in
love with her husband and becomes a much better lay when they get back
home.
In fact, Anthony is sort of a social worker, wandering about the world
like a romantic Incredible Hulk, improving marriages by turning demure
near-virgins into sex-crazed vixens who worship their husbands. A minor
problem is the size of his monster cock, which was huge even by
stereotypical a.s.s. standards for black studs. As I understood it, his
plunger when fully inflated - er, engorged - is the size of two beer
cans. Maybe I have lived a life of deprivation, but I just can't
imagine that sort of thing fitting up my ass.
The basic flaw with this story is that it just doesn't ring true. It's
like the movie, "The Love Bug." That was a great movie and undoubtedly
would have won several academy awards, except that the adult human
beings who gave the awards realized that Volkswagens just can't do what
the Love Bug did. In short, I enjoyed this story; It's not going to
make my Top 20 list, but really was sort of sexy. But you might REALLY
like it if you seriously believe that it is at all possible that a woman
who loves her husband will develop an even greater affection for him
after she gets gang-banged in his presence by two little twerps and a
stud with a monster cock.
Ratings for "Anthony Brown, Sweet Smelling Stud"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Heat" by Unknown Author (THC Archives repost). This is the third
hot story that I have reviewed with this same cryptic title, and the
meaning has been slightly different in each case. {I don't know WHY
Deirdre has never posted a story with this title.} Since it's hot where
I am writing these reviews, I'll repost the other two reviews, and maybe
those authors will repost their versions of "Heat."
For a morality tale designed to show that there are more important
things in life than sex, this is a really sexy story! The plot takes
place in a small town during a major heat wave. The inclement heat
makes people shed clothing and sexual inhibitions, but it also shortens
their patience. Early in the heat wave Harold loses his girlfriend to a
petulant fit, but by the end of the heat wave he has a better
understanding of himself and a much better girlfriend. Even though the
author sometimes seems to be lecturing about a form of altruistic or
humanistic hedonism, this is a very nice story.
The minor grammar problems are no big thing. This is a very good story.
If anyone knows the real name of the author, I'd sure like to find out
who wrote this story.
Ratings for "The Heat"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Homework" by S.B. Douglass (Repost by olifra@mbox.vol.it). This is
close enough to how I got started to be almost nostalgic. The boy and
girl are studying together in her dorm room for their college psych
course, when they discover their mutual attraction to one another. They
don't quite go all the way, but they get very hot. The author handles
the combination of innocence and passionate sexuality very effectively.
That's what I wish for my daughters. If they can't meet their future
True Love at an old-fashioned orgy or church social, I hope they do so
while studying for their psych class.
Ratings for "Homework"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Sophia" by A. Sayed Masood (masport@cyber.net.pk). Guest review by
Stubby.
A young man is seduced by his mother's beautiful divorced cousin, who
invites him to her house, and asks him to protect her from bad spirits
by sharing her bed. Multiple lustful May-September conjunctions ensue.
An oft-told tale like this one requires some touch of spice to
differentiate it from others of the genre. In this case, an exotic
setting (the Indian subcontinent) would not quite suffice, were it not
for the piquant eloquence of the author's quite uncolloquial English,
and his charming habit of bursting into poetic (sometimes slight
mis)quotation at the drop of a silken garment.
Here's a paragraph to give the flavor:
"She tempted me by playing childlike games. She would torment the hair
of my chest, softly kiss my ear lobes, introduce her tongue in my mouth
and constrict my swollen cock in her thighs. Sometimes she slapped my
bottom, and on the pretext of searching my pockets disturbed the
tranquillity of the sleeping Lion, all the time playing virtuous. I
tried my best not to make any advancement myself but could not resist
that bewitching woman."
And:
"I reflected on the opportunities thus sacrificed. A touch of tears
drowned my eyes.
Tears, idle tears, I do not know what they mean!
(A. Tennyson.)"
Ratings for "Sophia"
Form: 6
Literary value: 7
Turn-on factor (totally subjective):
"A Change in Her" by Anne018 (Anne018@aol.com). Guest review by Taria.
Any story that begins "My name is Anne. I'm a 18 year old bisexual" is
bound to have some serious problems. Is this the kickoff to a tale from
Bisexuals Anonymous ("everyone together, now--HI ANNE!")? Is this
inaugural sentence an ominous harbinger of frightening grammatical
tortures to come? And what's the "change" that's coming? Will Anne
change her sexual identity? Her gender? Her underwear?
None of the above. Instead, "A Change in Her" is actually the story of
a horny young teenager and her (probably unethical) use of a mystical
gypsy pendant to get into the pants of the football captain's
girlfriend, Miss Pluperfect Cheerleader. The story is moderately
entertaining, offering sterling vignettes that involve horny teenagers
on the school bus, the girls' shower room, young lesbian lust in a
frilly pink bedroom, and numerous characters who easily overcome their
sexual inhibitions under Anne's influence.
The teenagers are cardboard versions of young people, the parents barely
exist, the mind-control powers are unexplained, unlimited, and generally
unexciting. Furthermore, there is virtually nothing in this story that
required a female lead character, except for the frequent recurring
titillation of the girl/girl scenes. In fact, if the author had
substituted Andy for Anne he would have produced nothing more than a
fairly generic "mind-control" story. "A Change in Her" makes liberal
use of most of the cliches that Celeste has identified for this genre,
most notably that all of the characters are really sluts underneath the
skin, and mind control can be a harmless and fun way to get some without
fearing any real repercussions.
"A Change in Her" is somewhat entertaining if you like the "m/c" story
type, but relatively pedestrian.
Ratings for "A Change In Her"
Steffi (technical quality): 8
Monica (plot & character): 8
Billie Jean (appeal to reviewer): 7
"The Camera Eye" by Spudboy (cwilson9@ix.netcom.com). Guest review by
Kim.
This is the story, told in first person, by a 24 year old male art
student called Rick. His passion in life is roaming the campus finding
female students to photograph, for both his studies and his private
collection.
His current assignment calls for a "Nineties Woman", which in his mind
means pierced body parts, tattoos and attitude. And wouldn't you just
know it, but a babe of exactly the right requirements happens along and,
with very little persuasion, is quickly back at his apartment/studio
striking a pose. Soon our hero is asking our leading lady, Angela, such
provocative questions as "Do you have any tattoos?" and "You wouldn't
happen to be pierced anywhere else, would you?". These snappy lines have
Angela shedding her inhibitions and clothes in all directions.
Rick happily starts zooming in on Angela's pierced, out of the way,
little places and getting all hot and bothered in the process.
Inevitably they're soon at it like alley-cats and give each other a damn
good time. There's a momentary lapse into a pretense at safe sex when
Angela rolls a condom onto Rick using her mouth, but that soon comes off
when she learns Rick's a virgin and hey, everybody knows your first time
should be special. During all the various couplings they get into, Rick
still manages to cling onto his camera and snap away; obviously not a
man to be swayed from his studies. After she leaves to go back to class,
all he can think about is developing the rolls of film he's shot.
Classy.
Now the critical bit. Yep, it pressed my buttons all right, so it passes
its first hurdle as a sex story. Unfortunately the sentence structure
was a little awkward, especially early on. I found myself having to re-
read many of them in order to make full sense of 'em. Luckily the
descriptions of the sex didn't seem to suffer the same fault; funny
that.
Ratings for "The Camera Eye"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (fumbled a bit in the beginning)
Venus (plot & character): 9 (it all hangs together pretty well)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 10 (excuse me while I change my panties)
Review of "The Camera Eye - Episode #2: My Next Surprise" by Spudboy.
Guest review by Kim.
Well, my review of Episode #1 of this story was such a box-office
success that Celeste, always ready for a repeat performance <ahem>, has
got me n' Spudboy back together for a sequel. Speaking personally, I
think Spuders could have come up with a more snappy title, such as "This
time it's personal" or "I'll be back" or something, but there ya go.
Been done I guess.
Anyways... Our hero, Rick, having recovered from his first
snap/suck/fuck fest with the gorgeous, nineties girl Angela, ogled the
dirty photos and having made a date to meet her again, does what any
right thinking person would do. Yep, that's right, goes looking for
another chick to photograph his way into her panties. Isn't it amazing
just how dumb men can be? Why exactly a guy, who by his own admission
has no idea how he managed to bed such a babe, then comes to the
conclusion the best thing he can do is go looking for some more
elsewhere. Oooh, that was so deliciously sexist of me <grin>.
Now armed with a video camera he tracks down the equally gorgeous,
karate kicking, Nicole. After a momentary hesitation Nicole's soon
strutting her stuff in front of the lens, even managing to forget to
wear her t-shirt under her karate uniform. After the session ends
does/doesn't she come on to him? We never find out and they don't get it
together, apart from a brief karate throw when she slams him to the
floor (way to go Nicole!). I have a sneaking suspicion that we are being
set up for "Part 3 - The Return of Nicole" sometime soon.
Finally we reach the climax to the story. This is a long and highly
detailed account of the date between Rick and his first love Angela.
After a meal at a Thai restaurant, Angela's so horny she gives Rick a
blow-job in the parking lot (Celeste would have been proud of her :).
Reminds me, I must try my local Thai restaurant, if that's the effect it
has.
They then drive home to Rick's place and go at it like rabbits, though
several orgasms, especially for Angela (way to go Rick!). The climax, to
the climax, is a combined bout of cunnilingus accompanied by finger
fucking her ass (phew). Oh, he does fuck her afterwards, but she's too
shot to notice much by then, so I didn't care much either. They finally
stagger to bed, for the first time in their relationship I might add,
and snuggle up, swear undying love and drift off to sleep. Awwwww, how
sweet.
Well, I'm more than pleased to report that the usual law of diminishing
returns definitely doesn't apply here. I liked the first episode a lot,
but this one's better. Better written, hotter, and generally, apart from
some unexpected idioms, a damn fine read. Hey, Spuders, we must do this
again sometime!
Ratings for "The Camera Eye - Episode #2: My Next Surprise"
Athena (technical quality): 10 (well in control)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (bring on Nicole I say ;)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 10 (excuse me while I change my panties -
again!)
"I Love Lisa" by LM1 (RNRH85C@prodigy.com). Guest review by Anne747.
Some days I think I'm nuts; others days I know it. Free association
makes me think of "I Love Lucy" when I read the title of the story. Has
nothing really to do with the review, but it set up perhaps
expectations, which truly is silly. Somehow I was expecting either a
wacky comedy, or a romance. In reality the story is neither.
The story tries very hard to be a romance, but it just falls a little
short. It starts out with something that is a standard guy thing -
measurements! Although the theme of the piece is how much the writer
loves his girlfriend, the story tends to emphasize her physical
characteristics. Kind of shallow... we usually love for both looks and
character. Although attraction may be physical at first, deeper love
comes with learning about the person. After reading the story all I
think I've learned is that Lisa is "drop dead gorgeous" and loves sex.
Okay, so maybe she is the perfect fantasy woman.
The sentiments don't translate as well once the sex scenes start. There
has been an attempt to add very hot sex to a romantic style intro. The
two don't mesh very well. There is an attempt to start a plot at the
beginning with talk of a trip, but suddenly the scene changes and
they're having sex. This could have almost been two stories. The first
should have continued the romantic feel and included soft, slow sex.
The second could have been more aggressive and included the sex scenes.
It's not a bad story, just somewhat changeable.
One line in particular caught my eye - "You like that, don't you?" she
giggled, sneering at me. The two words: giggle (to laugh with repeated
short catches of the breath) and sneer (to show scorn or contempt by
curling the lip or by a jeering tone) just don't belong together. I
found more examples of this: the two themes of the story don't mesh.
It's not a badly written story, just a little disjointed in thought.
The story needs either a soft romantic tone throughout or a hot, sexy
one, but jumping back and forth between them is somehow unsatisfying.
Ratings for "I Love Lisa"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): Undecided (what a cop out!)
"Abby Gets Pulled Over" by The Warthog (linetwo@connect.net). I have a
confession to make. I have been pulled over by a police officer for
speeding four times in the past ten years. I have never offered to have
sex with the officer, nor has an officer ever requested it. {So now you
know I don't live in New Jersey!} Nor have I ever noticed a bulge in
the officer's pants. Maybe I was too nervous to check, or maybe we have
highly professional cops who can actually do their jobs without being
influenced by a sexy woman. On the other hand, I did talk my way out of
all four tickets - but no bulges and no orgasms. Just anxiety and
relief.
Abby is different. Here she is doing her coming out party of sorts - no
panties, no bra, and the sexiest dress she has ever worn; and wouldn't
you know it, she drives a wee bit too fast and the cop pulls her over.
Well, life gets complicated when you get past 18, and the officer first
accuses Abby of coming on to him in order to avoid a ticket, and then
her tight-fitting clothes impair her ability to walk the line. "Looks
like we'll have to go to the station, Lady." "Oh, please officer,
please. Isn't there something we can do?" Well, it would always be
possible to throw some ass his way. The cop is very diplomatic about it.
Says he to the husband: "Your wife is about the best looking piece of
ass I've seen in a long time. Hell, look at her." "Well, if you put it
that way, sure! Go ahead! But I'd like to watch!"
Well, Abby does her duty - and she likes it. She wants more, and the
officer calls for backups. So she takes on a significant part of the
city's police force. To make it even better, the cops are a multiracial
bunch, and Abby is fertile and she insists that fuck her without
condoms. She later explains that this "sounded like a slutty thing to
do." This may sound like a sad story, but it's not. The incident
started Abby on a career in pornography; hubby thereafter got better sex
than ever; and he was even able to tip the pizza man by asking Abby to
give him a blow job.
To his credit, the author appends a surgeon-general-style warning that
maybe people shouldn't do everything in this story. You gotta protect
yourself! And maybe you oughta have some self-respect and personality
too.
Ratings for "Abby Gets Pulled Over"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
* "Bobbie's Special Half-Time" by The Warthog (linetwo@connect.net).
The guys have gathered to watch the NFL game. Bobbie is serving them
beer, and does she look good! They seem to be guzzling their beer just
so they can ask for more. I should clarify something. The Warthog
writes Gangbang Virgin Stories; but that doesn't by any means suggest
that the bangee is a virgin - simply that she hasn't had prior
experience with multiple drunken partners. Bobbie sheds her gangbang
virginity status at half-time. Some of the action is pretty sexy.
Bobbie does well, and her husband is proud of her - even though the
action goes well beyond half-time. I suppose this kind of thing is
workable - as long as you have at least one black friend with a 14-inch
cock and as long as somebody else buys the beer.
Ratings for "Bobbie's Special Half-Time"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
* "Heat" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). Oh, shit! Now we've got
lesbians on the police force! Well, not really - just a healthy
bisexual who is willing to have a good time with a friendly citizen or
two on her beat. This is a very hot story. I have sort of half a
resolution to make it a little harder for this author to keep getting
all these high ratings. So after I read the first part of this story, I
was ready to zap him: "The author is simply using the uniform implied by
the title to titillate readers with a story that has nothing to do with
police officers." I could lower his rating in the final two categories
to at least 9.
This fascination with women in uniform was something I could understand.
Several years ago on Halloween, I had to take the kids door to door.
They wanted me to wear a costume, and I went as a cop. I did nothing
kinky on the streets: I wore the entire costume and kept the equipment
on my belt; and the kids enjoyed it. However, I really got my money's
worth after the kids went to bed, when I arrested the cowpoke with an
arrow through his head who had been passing out goodies at our own
house.
In spite of my own fascination with the sexual potential of officers of
the law, I figure the irrelevance factor should be good enough to bring
this story down to maybe a 10, 9, 9. Except it turned out not to be
true, as Sondra frisked Our Hero in the alley before they eventually
consummated the act on the hood of the police car. Hot story!
Ratings for "Heat"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Heat" by Don Boettger (A+ Story). The term "heat" refers to the
fertile part of the female reproductive cycle in some animals, often
accompanied by the release of chemical attractants called pheromones
which produce the well-known reaction in the males of the species. We
usually apply the term to humans only in a metaphorical sense. Reading
these stories and writing these reviews may make me horny, and my
husband my say I act like I am in heat; but actually I technically do
not fit the definition of being in heat - indeed, I am often not even
fertile, and I am capable of engaging in many complex behaviors (aside
from chewing gum) which would be improbable for an animal in estrus.
To be (sort of) serious (but just for a moment), how would we describe
the human female. Is it correct to say that she is NEVER in heat? Or
would it be more accurate to say that she is ALWAYS in heat? This is
the basic set-up for the story. The scientists (a man and a woman,
oddly enough) have discovered a drug that hastens the onset of estrus in
animals, but they are uncertain what effect (if any) it will have on
humans.
To test the drug on humans, Gaby impulsively takes a dose. The other
scientist is a real humanitarian: he agrees to hang around Gaby while
she might go into heat - just to make sure nothing happens to her, of
course. Oh, I forgot to tell you, this all takes place in Hawaii - on a
moonlit beach, to be precise. They don't exactly make love all night
long: they fuck, copulate like the pre-human animals they have become,
driven by instinct and need rather than desire. This is an obviously
undesirable situation. It eventually takes Lysol spray to get rid of
his erection.
The story is not as sophomoric as I have made it sound. Actually, the
story takes an interesting idea and explores it in a creative manner.
It's a very good story!
Ratings for "Heat"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9