Celestial Reviews 209 - August 20, 1997
Note: Spam is getting confusing. I normally just delete it all
without reading it. However, just before I deleted a piece
labeled, "This is sick, but I bet you guys c", which was forwarded
to about 400 people, I glanced at it and discovered that it was a
simply marvelous sexual chain letter. You know the sort: "If you
don't send this, your pecker will fall off. If you send this to
one person, your crush will have sex with you... If you send this
to 10 people and visit your crushes house, his/her mother and
father will join him/her in having sex with you... If you send
this to 20 people, you will learn to put an apostrophe in
_crush's_, etc."
One of you had been kind enough to send it to me. Well, anyway, I
made an amazing discovery. The instructions said I could just
make a wish after I sent the letter onward, and my wish would come
true, no matter how dirty it was. Like if I sent the wish to 8
people at 8:00, my wish would come true in 8 days. Well, I made my
wish at 11:00 p.m. and DIDN'T send the letter to anyone: I just
went to bed. Within eleven minutes my wish was coming true!
Can you imagine the implications of this?!!! Well, the first
thing I did the next morning was wish that the letter would be
gone, and then I pressed the delete key and checked. It was gone!
This really worked! But what this really means is that with these
chain letters you can just WISH and not even send the letter to
anyone AND YOU HAVE ALMOST THE SAME ODDS as if you did send it to
the prescribed number of people. Of course, you could also simply
not wish, but you have to have a dream, because if you don't have
a dream, how you gonna make a dream come true?
So - and this is the best part - I just wished that all of you
would have the same power; and I'll bet it works! Except my
enemies. I wished that they would all become dull and banal fools
who could get only insipid partners to make love to them. I think
that wish has already come true - retroactively!
Second note: A farmer loses his prize stud rooster just when he
needs his hens fertilized most for some new chicks. He looks all
over the county for a new stud rooster and finally finds one about
to be killed at the slaughter house. The butcher says,
" No, you don't want this one, he's too horny." The farmer says,
"Perfect! I'll take him."
He turns this rooster loose in the hen house and hears nothing but
squawking hens all day. At supper time he hears the ducks starting
to quack loudly on the pond. At bedtime he hears the cows
bellowing in the barn. The next morning, he wakes up to the sound
of the pigs squealing. He locks his wife and daughter in the house
so the rooster won't get them, walks outside and finds the rooster
lying exhausted and dehydrated in the drive way with buzzards
circling overhead. He walks over to the rooster and says, "Gol-
dangit rooster, if you'd have paced yourself, you could have had
the run of this place for years".
The rooster looks at him with one eye cocked open, nods toward the
buzzards, and whispers "Shhhhhh. They're about ready to land."
Second Second Note: Somebody sent me this information about
Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS), which is
pronounced the way you think it is.
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide
software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that
will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred
to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System"
(MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show
MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
look at MIASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not
addressed the networking aspects; so currently only one person can
be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to
depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's
office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried
in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel
are somewhat afraid of MIASS and even wish I would get MIASS out
of their lives. Just last week, when asked to enter some
information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a
little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I
volunteered to help her through her first time, and when we were
through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was
actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to
say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS
upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has
been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future,
however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated
with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to
put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we
envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office
and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick
this in MIASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company
during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain
historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how
quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers
could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly
stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".
Third note: Someone has been reposting all of Deirdre's short
stories. Since there are 156 of these that I know of, I am not
going to try to repost all my reviews. I'll just make the global
recommendation that you take a look at some of Deirdre's stories.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my
reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Shirt That Shrunk" by Renae Nicks (wet tee shirt)
10, 9, 9
"A Slaves Story" by Bruce Marshall (gay gang-bang) 4, 4, 4
"My Xmas Threesome" by Carla Leach (illiterate sex story)
1, 1, 1
"Nasty Story #6" by Donna (nasty story) 3, 5, 6
"Computer Games on a Sunday" by Kim (mild consensual
bdsm) 9, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Strip Poker" by Unknown (drunken sex) 8, 5, 4
"My Sextoy Wife" by Jul 4 1944 (wife watching)
9.5, 10, 8
"Sucker" Chapters 2 and 3 by BronwenSM (continued sex
odyssey) 10, 10, 10
"The Adventures of Rachel Roundheels, Teen Slutpuppy"
(sluttish sex) 8, 5, 2 or 9
"One Fine Day" by Pussy Barber (endless sex scenes) 7, 6, 5
Reposted Reviews:
* "The Dive" by Yuri Voloshin (Underwater sex) 10, 9, 9
* "Brown Nosing" by Phil Phantom (fun-loving incest and
child molestation) 9.5, 9.5, 10
"The Shirt That Shrunk" by Renae Nicks (RenaeNicks@aol.com).
Renae and Derrick are packing for a trip, and Derrick asks her to
model for him a shirt that has shrunk. The damned thing is
obviously too tight, and to make matters worse Derrick spills
water all over it, and worst of all her nipples get hard and the
shirt is all clingy. But a good time is had by all. This is a
nice, hot, sexy, probably true very short story.
Ratings for "The Shirt That Shrunk"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"A Slaves Story" by Bruce Marshall (). The narrator is a 14-year-
old boy who hitch-hikes to and from school. A guy who gives him a
ride throws in a free hand job, and soon the boy finds himself
strongly attracted to gay sex. In no time at all he finds himself
to be a sex slave.
The story's grammar is really awful - as exemplified by the
absence of the apostrophe in the title. In addition, the plot is
not timed properly. Everything happens too quickly with little
apparent logic for why it is happening. In fact, the story is
more a seduction and homosexual gang-bang story than a sex slavery
story, as the title would lead us to expect.
If you like exploitive, gay sex, you may enjoy this story anyway.
My advice to the author is that next time he should develop his
storyline more carefully, revise it several times before posting
it, and proofread it carefully to get rid of the extremely
annoying grammatical errors.
Ratings for "A Slaves Story"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"My Xmas Threesome" by Carla Leach (coolwow@usa.net). I read this
story because it's hot as hell around here, and Christmas in
August sounded pretty good. It was a major disappointment. I
guess there's no reason a person who can't write should not be
permitted to post stories, but I suggest you skip this one. The
main strengths of this story are (1) it's short, (2) it makes the
preceding story look a lot better by comparison, and (3) at least
20% of the words are spelled correctly. Wow! I should talk! I
just noticed I left both hyphens out of the title! I don't think
this story is even about a threesome - unless Sharon and Sahron
are the same person.
Maybe Brits get this way after they listen to the Queen's Xmas
speech.
Ratings for "My Xmas Threesome"
Athena (technical quality): 1
Venus (plot & character): 1
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
"Nasty Story #6" by Donna (). As you can see from the previous
two reviews, I had been looking among unrecognized authors for
possible gems. To mix my metaphors, I had struck out twice. So
it was with a spirit of apprehension that I approached this story
with its really imaginative title. My apprehension only increased
when I realized that this same author had written "Nasty Dog
Story." My initial advice (without reading the stories) was, "Get
some better titles." For example, "Fucking Dog Story!" would be
more appealing.
Next I discovered the author was dysgrammatic or dysgraphic or
something. Bad grammar is one thing; but when it interferes with
good humor, that's another. And so, I didn't know whether the
author was being clever or stupid when I came upon this line
{actually discovered would be a better word, I didn't cum upon
this line}: "I could feel the inside walls of my cuntcslit being
pushed aside as the cock forced a channel for itself inside me."
Now, in case your font doesn't pick up these subtleties, that's a
copyright symbol (c with a circle around it) between "cunt" and
"slit." I think that's great, but I hate the feeling that I might
be getting sexually excited over a typographical error. Actually,
I don't mind and even LIKE the feeling of being sexually
stimulated, even if it's by a typo; and heaven knows, there are
times when I'm down in the dumps and am simply surrounded by
typos.... See what I mean? In a sense, this story is so bad that
it's great!
Anyway, I decided to ignore the grammar and spelling, as well as
the fact that a person who did what this woman did with a dildo
would almost certainly have severe medical problems. I
concentrated on the content. What I discovered were some
innovations involving Crazy Gluec involving dildoes during naked
horseback riding. I've often wondered about that, although I use
a bicycle instead of a horse and don't ride naked or use a dildo
or CrazycGlue.
Well, my overall conclusion is that the story lacked realism.
Almost nobody can stimulate herself to orgasm while CrazycGlue is
drying: I think she must be thinking of School@Glue, which is much
slower but a lot less hazardous to cunt@lips. And I think she
should have used KYc or maybe WDc40 as a lubricant. I also think
the story would have been better if when she got thrown off the
horse and knocked unconscious a snake would have crawled - maybe
even slithered - into her cuntchole.
There's more; but that's another story. At least it SHOULD be
another story - or maybe two or three. It's really hard to
determine how the author decides where one Nasty Story ends and
another begins.
Surprisingly, I think this author really has talent. I think
buried beneath all this silliness is a flair for telling a good
story. I think this author should quit her night job, go back to
school, learn to write, and produce the Great American Novel. For
starters, she should do something drastic - like proofread her
next story before posting it. She should also focus on one idea
at a time and develop a perspective of some sort. You can't just
ramble and expect to have a story: Mike Hunt looks like he does,
but it takes real talent to give that impression successfully.
And she should do something the title: how could anyone know what
this story was about from that title?
Under the circumstances, however, I think I'll skip "Nasty Dog
Story."
Ratings for "Nasty Story #6"
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Computer Games on a Sunday" by Kim (kim@nym.alias.net). The
narrator and her boyfriend want to expand their sexual repertoire.
The decide on some dom/sub games, but they feel they need a
ringmaster to coordinate their activities. Who will it be? Not
who, what? Kim decides to program the computer to synthesize
their amorous activities.
This story may be an example of technology run amuck - er, amok -
er, no, amuck, probably - or maybe both. However, I don't quite
see why the computer was necessary. I mean, they could have drawn
activities out of a hat or any other container. But I guess it's
OK to have a user-friendly computer in the story.
The sex is hot. I get turned off by bdsm that's designed to hurt
or humiliate people in the name of "love," but this one was fine
with me. {Sorry, Kim; there goes you audience!} As the saying
goes, "Lovers who play together stay together." Ooops! A nun told
me that; and it was "pray."
Ratings for "Computer Games on a Sunday"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Strip Poker" by Unknown (posted by melanie156@aol.com). Guest
review by Anne747.
Poor Chuck. Left alone after a party with four semi-drunk ladies,
all with perky firm breasts. Yeah, like this happens! What guy
in his right mind would leave Chuck alone? Kind of a standard
premise really. Everyone drinks a little too much, strip poker is
played. There are some more complicated rules that come into play
once everyone is closer to naked.
That is the whole problem with this piece - it's too complicated.
I often find group pieces hard to read, and just as hard to write.
It is a only a really good author that can keep you from becoming
confused with more than three people in a story. I hate to say
it, but I just couldn't keep the people straight. The author
tries to do this by making the women blonde (oh boy, did I pick
the right word?), brunette, auburn, and dark-haired. It just
doesn't work.
I must admit I spent more time trying to keep the people in the
story straight than actually getting into the story. I think I
would have had to make a list of names, descriptions and clothing
worn to be able to do so. Oh, and I think there is part of this
story missing - the last line was simply cut off mid-breast
(although I have a feeling this was meant to be the closing line
anyway).
It may be a better story than I'm giving it credit for. If I were
a man, just the scenario of four luscious perky women stripping in
front of me might be enough for a good review. As it was, it just
turned out to be a jumbled mess of people I couldn't keep straight
past page 1.
Ratings for "Strip Poker"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5 (I need an aspirin!)
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 4
"My Sextoy Wife" by Jul 4 1944 (Jul 4 1944@AOL.COM). Guest review
by Piper.
Okay. I've read dozens upon dozens of slutwife stories; from
incoherent babblings, to well-written hot sex scenes pasted
together, to actual literate and intelligible tales. It seems to
be one of the more popular genres. I guess there are lots of
people out there that like reading about somebody else's wife
taking on all comers. The author describes this as an adultery
story. After reading it, I think it goes beyond simple adultery.
After all, adultery could be a single mistake made in a lonely,
drunken, weak moment. That's not what happens here.
This story doesn't follow the normal patterns. Instead of
describing the action and telling us how much the wife likes
getting multiple organs inserted multiple times into all her
orifices, and how much the husband likes watching/hearing about
said extra-curricular activities, the author leads us deep into
the mind of the husband. We are told the story from his point of
view. We hear his thoughts. We learn of his own infidelities and
insecurities. This is a real mind trip.
These are not the "normal, well-adjusted" people we hear about in
the more vanilla a.s.s. stories, even in this category. They are
what's called "A Scary Couple". Marriage counselors have
nightmares about people like this. I don't think these two people
even like each other. Nevertheless, fear, insecurity, and other
less-defined emotions bind them to each other. That's what this
story is all about; digging deep into their psyches and finding
out what drives them both.
This is not going to be one of my favorite stories, although I did
enjoy reading it. My interests don't really lie in examining the
inner thoughts and feelings of a dysfunctional couple. Not even
one where the woman is as hot, sexy, beautiful, and responsive as
Alicia is supposed to be. Not even for a woman who gives one of
the best blowjobs on either side of the continental divide. And
definitely not for a guy who, in the words of one of my friends,
is "smart like a dump truck" (you get the idea). Maybe
selectively blind would be a better way of putting it. After all,
he drops his wife off, alone, at a famous singles bar every Friday
evening for two years, and STILL doesn't really believe she could
be fooling around on him.
The erotica content is fairly high, although most of it is of the
"in-your-face" and "get even" variety. The writing is good,
solid, and intriguing. In a few places, I found things a bit
confusing, although this could be something the writer has
included on purpose, as the protagonist is sharing memories, as
well as talking about his current situation. Technically, there
are some formatting problems and a few difficult passages.
Nothing major, as long as your newsreader can handle text where
the only carriage returns are at the end of paragraphs. I think
this problem could be because I received the story 3rd or 4th
hand.
Ratings for "My Sextoy Wife"
Technical merit 9.5
Plot & character 10
Appeal to reviewer 8
"Sucker, chapters 2 and 3" by BronwenSM (bronwenSM@aol.com). Guest
review by Mat Twassel.
If you missed BronwenSM's "Sucker" a few months ago, don't make
the same mistake this go 'round. It was Celeste's Best of the
Month when it first appeared, and it's gotten even better thanks
to two subsequent chapters, "Oh, Bugger," in which the now lovely
Kim-but-Dim learns about bottom fucks, and "Revelations," in which
Kim comes to discover passion's promises and rewards. Rollicking
good-spirited fun! I hope this is not the ultimate climax.
In Chapter I, if you remember, 17 year old Kim, suddenly big-
breasted and incredibly beautiful, falls for some well-to-do boy's
line that if she doesn't relieve his sexual urge the clotted blood
will burst his brain... or something like that. Desperately
afraid of babies, Kim uses her hands, and then her mouth, and
finds she's good at it, and likes it, and is suddenly oh-so-
popular! The girls don't like her much, but one can't have
everything.
In Chapter II, Kim tells us over lunch about her daddy's fall
from power and rise to riches, which leads to Mummy's brush with
polo and Kim's sudden education in anal sex at the hands and
etcetera of Eddie the Greek. All along, Kim's narrational voice
is rich with unintentional naughty puns and outrageous innocence.
I don't really know how to take her, but she's deliciously sexy
and so is the writing:
So I was kneeling as if I was worshipping
the sofa and thinking all these jumbled thoughts
when all of a sudden I felt this presence at my
arse. He was sort of looming - I could feel him
rubbing the soft hot purply end of his dick up
and down between my arse cheeks like a warm plum.
His movements were slow and lingering, stopping
completely for a moment every time he touched
the actual hole itself.
It was nice. It was very nice. I could actually
feel my bum hole sort of yearning. It was trying
to open outwards. And then he very gently pushed
the round hot tip of his cock into my bum. I gasped
and tried to relax, but I was grateful when he
withdrew a little to let me adjust. It was a very
sexy feeling, but a bit tense-making. I focused on
letting him in, and maybe it would have all gone
smoothly if he hadn't got impatient.
I particularly like the "soft hot purply end": isn't it neat that
the cock has color in Kim's mind even when it's out of sight?
BronwenSm consistently amazes us with words--ordinary, rich,
sometimes unexpected, always just right.
Greek Eddie is, it turns out, a phony as well as a cad: after his
most promising beginning he abuses Kim almost brutally, but for
some reason Kim continues to let him use her bottom all through
chapter two.
Good old Uncle Barn, a college chum of Kim's dad, comes to the
rescue in Chapter III. The ending, though not "exactly" Pride and
Prejudicy, is certainly juicy.
Reservations? Minor stuff, mostly. Chapter I, on its own, is
awfully top-heavy--too much repetition concerning Kim's physical
development and not enough development of character or plot... but
with length this awkwardness smoothes out some. Similarly, we do
seem to learn more about Kim's dad than the plot demands--maybe
some of him appears more for word play and marginal satire than
anything else. Much as I enjoy Kim's language, sometimes she talks
too much instead of giving us scenes. And the rendering of
action, often flowingly poetic--consider the passage above--
doesn't always reveal as much as it might: we learn what Kim
thinks about getting fucked in the ass, for example, but we don't
feel it with that deep intensity offered at onset.
I wonder whether we really need that lunch to get us through
chapter two... It's slightly confusing and serves no great
purpose, as far as I can see. And finally, the narrator changes
at the end of Chapter III--Kim could have handled the final scene
just as well or better on her own. In short, there may be a few
small structural issues and flaws, and maybe when this is all
done, these will be mended. But Celeste, you're gonna hafta read
this story: certainly it'll be a strong contender for best of the
month.
Ratings for "Sucker" {Added by Celeste}
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Adventures of Rachel Roundheels, Teen Slutpuppy" by Rachel.
Guest review by Kim.
Hey, I'm back for another stab at this reviewing malarkey (great
word huh?). Obviously Celeste thought I was ready for an epic, and
at near a hundred pages I think this one qualifies. Actually
that's not exactly true. After considerable reformatting I managed
to get it down to under fifty pages but hey, that's still half an
epic at least.
The basic thrust of the piece is the life and times of the
narrator Rachel and her incestuous relationships with her Father
and Mother, plus her sexual antics with other possibly non-related
folk. It begins with Rachel having a lesbian tryst with her best
friend Jesse; and after that bout they jointly decide to seduce
Jesse's brother. Hmmm, do I detect a common thread here?
After many assorted couplings between various characters in just
about any and all combinations you can conceive {or not conceive,
if you're using proper birth control}, our heroine finally makes
her way to her dad's house, where she and an itinerant male lover,
happen upon her father giving himself a blow-job (I kid you not).
There follows a discussion on the best way to achieve this
particular form of self love. I would think this bit is quite
educational should you happen to be the proud owner of a penis -
or, perhaps more importantly, the ordinary owner of a humble penis
who needs a way to gain some pride.
The story then lurches into S&M territory, as dad decides the best
form of nurturing his fifteen year old daughter would be to turn
her into his submissive sex slave. {You do-gooders that would like
to tell this guy to fuck himself should recall that he already
knows how to do that to his own gratification.} Some more sex
ensues, beginning with Rachel being handcuffed and flogged with a
belt. Nice dad huh? Various friends then wander in and out of the
frantic couplings that follow.
The story then switches to some time later, when Rachel wanders
into her mom's bedroom and accidentally discovers a giant double-
ended dildo. A few moments later, you guessed it, Rachel and Mom
are getting it on with the dildo. About now we are only half-way
through the story (and note that Celeste sent me only the first
ten of about four thousand chapters). What follows for the rest of
this first book in the series, is many, many more couplings
between (actually, "among" on many occasions) all concerned, in
any and all ways describable.
Apart from one very unpleasant sequence where the Father whips his
ex-wife so relentlessly that she bleeds (which of course turns
Rachel on), all is pretty much as it should be for a happy,
caring, incestuous family that has not yet come to the attention
of the child welfare services or begun its term in the realm of
eternal damnation.
And now the big question: did I like it? Well, I'd be a terrible
hypocrite if I said none of it turned me on. It's written in a
down and dirty style which, whilst being horribly cliche ridden,
knows exactly how to reach its target audience, which <alas>
included me from time to time. An example of the writing might
explain this better: [He prodded my fuckhole with the blunt head
of his dick and it slid right in. "Oh, man." He sighed into my
ear. "Nice cunt."] My case rests, and so will my pussy shortly.
So, much against my better judgment, I have to admit it turned me
on quite thoroughly during some of its nastier moments. My heart
and mind kept telling me how appalling it all was, but my gonads
kept telling me how appealing it was <sigh> - <that's
embarrassment, not satisfaction!>.
Ratings for "The Adventures of Rachel Roundheels"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (my gonads speaking)
Venus (plot & character): 5 (my brain kicking in at last)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 2 or 9 (depending on which part of me
gets the upper hand)
"One Fine Day" by Pussy Barber. Guest review by Mark Aster.
This story is porn. Sometimes I forget the difference between
porn and erotica, and of course there are lots of borderline
cases, but it's nice to read a sample of the Pure Stuff now and
then to remind me what it's like. Which isn't to say that it's a
bad story! It's just from a somewhat different culture than the
stories that I usually read and enjoy; it has behind it a rather
different tradition and set of assumptions, some of which I admit
are annoying to me and seriously detract from the story. It's a
pretty good story of its type; that may not be saying much!
The narrator stops by the house of some friends and watches them
splashing around in the pool. He gets pushed in by one of the
ladies, and later on while sitting around in just a towel (his
clothes are drying, of course) the kidding around escalates into a
dare to shave the pussy hair of that same lady. He goes through
with the dare, of course (you get the subtle wit of the author's
pseudonym, eh?), and large-scale fucking ensues. This is where
the porn shows through, and the story gets annoying.
Up to this point there's been some nice erotic tension building
up, some actual human emotion: will she let him do it, will they
both die of embarrassment at the intimate position they've gotten
themselves into, and, of course, how long will it be until they're
actually screwing wildly on the bed all covered with shaving
cream? But pretty much as soon as he touches her vulval flesh with
the razor, the porn scenario cuts in, all sense of reluctance or
shame disappears as though it had never been, the women all become
bisexual, and everyone's fucking everyone, in every possible
position, quite mechanically, and without convincing surprise or
joy.
And then they do it again. And again. And again in some other
position. And so on ad infinitum. And I don't really understand
it: certainly anyone masturbating to the story has come by now,
and anyone not masturbating to the story is losing interest. But
endless repetitive sex scenes are part of the porn culture (as I
know from watching the occasional naughty video and reading the
occasional sleazy novel).
Also part of the culture are Really Stupid Exclamations. "One
Fine Day" features such gems as "Cum with me. Milk me with your
cunt. Milk my sperm into your cumming cunt.", "Cum on her big
tits. Soak 'em down", and even "I'm gonna soak both of 'em in
jism! Cum all over these hot bitches!". Maybe it's just me, but
these all strike me as so dumb to be seriously distracting; among
real humans engaged in lovemaking, I think they would cause the
proceedings to dissolve into fits of hysterical laughter.
We can also tell that the story is porn because at the very top
there's a URL, and some bizarrely-misspelled admonitions: "After U
R Finished Reading this Story, Cum Here for Tons More FREE!!!",
"Guaranteed to Make U Cum!!!". Like the story itself, it uses
"cum" as a verb, but I could probably forgive that. I have never
understood, though, why people who are trying to attract customers
say things like "After U R Finished" and "While U Wait". Is there
some business theory that holds that many prospective customers
are looking for stupid people to transact business with? But I
digress.
So this is an okay story, good stroke-material for your typical
heterosexual male at least. But ultimately quite forgettable, and
seriously marred by the silly cliches of porn culture. On the
Celeste scale, I'd probably give it a 7 from Athena (for dumb
dialogue, using "cum" as a verb, mixing "lie" and "lay", and some
other illiteracies), a 6 from Aphrodite (for sacrificing character
to raw fucking), and a 5 from Celeste (or Mark, in this case) for
annoying me by squandering good material...
Ratings for "One Fine Day"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Mark (appeal to reviewer): 5
* "The Dive" by Yuri Voloshin (yqv7599@is.nyu.edu). The man has
invented an extremely lightweight piece of scuba equipment that
converts water to oxygen. A side benefit is that it enables such
easy maneuverability underwater that it is possible to have sexual
intercourse without surfacing; and that's what this story is
about. The story is extremely short, but it achieves its purpose
of describing sexual activity in a highly romantic environment. I
liked this story.
Ratings for "The Dive"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Brown Nosing" by Phil Phantom. Some people will dislike this
story because it was originally zipped but now it's decoded.
Others will object because it is about incest. I think it's just
plain funny. Anyway, the man has just gotten a job, but he leaves
his wife and family behind in the room with the boss during the
final interview. The boss fondles the man's daughter; and the
man's son becomes turned on and begins fondling the mother. The
third child becomes so excited that "she didn't know who to
watch." That should be "whom," of course. Some of these authors
get so excited that they screw the hell out of their pronouns as
soon as their hormones get going.
A lot of readers enjoy blackmail and pedophile stories; and this
one combines both. I usually don't like either element, but I
enjoyed this one largely because of the grotesque perspective. We
see the first part of the story from the viewpoint of the father,
who re-enacts everything that happens while his wife tells him
about it. The storytelling style is most interesting; it reminded
me of the old Bert and Ernie sequence from Sesame Street ("Did
anything interesting happen today?" "Nope." "How did you tear
your shirt pocket?" "Oh, that happened when I was running too
fast through the door at the circus... after Johnny said we had
better go home... after the tent started to collapse... after the
mime started yelling and screaming.... because the door to the
lion cage had come open... after the tiger devoured the trainer...
right after his partner had been shot by the homicidal maniac who
was using me as a human shield... But don't worry; the S.W.A.T.
team shot him.... right after he threw the hand grenade down my
pants.... ) Actually, the Sesame Street version was a little
different, but the idea is that the wife casually describes to the
husband increasingly outrageous activities; and the guy just
listens, tries the ideas out on his wife, makes her cum, and then
says he'll have to have a talk with the kids.
Of course, if this would happen to you and your family in real
life, you should go straight to a good lawyer. Make that an
expensive lawyer - they're easier to find. The lawyer will fill
you in on the details regarding how you can become immensely rich
by suing the bastard for child molestation.
But there's more! After dropping Dad off at home, Mom goes back
to get the kids at the movies. She wants to have a talk with them
- to make sure they don't lose respect for her, of course. So
while they're driving home, the kids essentially gang-rape her
with hand jobs in the moving car. They even argue over who gets
what. During a typical American car trip, when the children argue
and get out of hand, the parent often screams, "Shuddup, you
little motherfuckers!" I suppose that would have been ironic
under these circumstances.
But there's more! Eventually the boss starts making night calls
to the family's house and brings clients to go into the girl's
room and plays sex and bondage games with Sherry and Sandy after
using Mom as a warm-up course while Dad does paperwork for the
company. This pushed me beyond the limits of what I could endure.
That should be girls' - it's s-apostrophe, not apostrophe-s, for
plural possessives!
This was an interesting but bizarre story. If any of you try this
in real life, you deserve to be arrested. Then you will burn in
hell and will be forced to live with an American politician for
all eternity.
Ratings for "Brown Nosing"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10