Celestial Reviews 199 - July 16, 1997
Note: I haven't posted my Celestial List of Credulous Assumptions
recently. Keep in mind that other literary and media genres also have
their tenuous assumptions. For example, take the American western
movie:
1. Apaches, Commanches, and Sioux Indians were incredibly competent
warriors. Nevertheless, they rode stupidly in circles around wagon
trains so that elderly widows could kill them.
2. Good guys got wounded; bad guys got killed. Ditto for Indians.
3. Even in the most fierce battle, horses never got wounded or killed.
4. Neither colt revolvers nor repeating rifles ran out of bullets,
unless the depletion of ammunition would contribute to the drama of the
moment.
5. People who took women captive did not rape them. They just kissed
them and tried to win their love with clever repartee.
6. During gunfights and battles there was a lull in the action to give
time for deathbed speeches.
Etc.
Even more absurd assumptions are present in musicals. My point is that
we on this newsgroup are not alone in having unrealistic assumptions
behind some of our stories. Here's my current list of credulous
assumptions that seem to underlie many a.s.s. stories. Note that this
list doesn't even mention the obvious assumption (often cited by authors
in a disclaimer) of a world in which there is no AIDS or any other
sexually transmitted disease. Thanks to various contributors, my list
keeps growing.
1. It is usually possible for a woman to estimate the size of a man's
fully engorged cock by gazing at his crotch when he is unaroused and
fully dressed and over ten yards/meters away.
2. Without the use of scientific instruments men can easily estimate
the size of women's breasts from across the room, even if the woman is
fully dressed. {Actually, this is no big deal, since nearly all
attractive women have 38DD bust sizes anyway.}
3. The normal sequence of sexual experiences is first petting, then
oral sex, then anal sex, then vaginal sex - usually all on the same
date.
4. The first boy to touch a girl's breasts will come in each of her
three orifices within the next hour.
5. Most women would intensely enjoy sexual contact with another woman,
but most men would not enjoy sexual contact with another man, even if
cultural biases were eliminated.
6. Children who have sex with their parents normally enjoy this
activity and grow up to be emotionally mature honor roll students who
will contribute to scientific research and to world peace.
7. Ditto for sex with older siblings, kindly neighbors, and random
strangers.
8. When sons, daughters, little brothers, or little sisters ask
questions about sex, the best way to answer their questions is to show
them, using their bodies as part of the demonstration.
9. When a spouse or lover catches his/her partner having sex with
someone else, the typical response is to join in.
10. Women typically have multiple orgasms during every fulfilling
sexual encounter.
11. Middle-aged men can typically have sex with copious ejaculations
several times a day for several days in a row.
10 & 11a. Women and men that can do so are happier and better sex
partners than those who have fewer orgasms.
12. Kids can go blind if they masturbate too often. {Ooops. That one
belongs on a different newsgroup!}
13. Kids who do not masturbate at least daily are severely disturbed.
14. It is important to pop a person's cherry before she gets out of
high school {or gets into high school, has her first date, gets married,
buys her first car, etc.}
15. Women typically enjoy getting raped, once they get over their
inhibitions.
16. Men who force women to have sex with them are sexy.
17. People can be turned into sex slaves by college kids who read a
chapter in a psych book. {Either that are some of these stories are
written by Psych profs who are really desperate to motivate their
students to read a chapter in their text book.}
18. If you ever get turned into a sex slave, it will be the best thing
that ever happened to you.
19. The typical male ejaculation shoots at least 12 inches through the
air {unless the penis is inserted into a receptacle which will terminate
this expulsion. In this case the ejaculate lands with the impact of a
speeding bullet.}
20. Most women ejaculate at least a pint of luscious fluid during a
really enjoyable sexual experience.
21. Most people get turned on when their partner treats them with
extreme cruelty for the partner's own personal gratification.
22. Most black men have "monster cocks." These 12- to 14-inch penises
will thrill any pussy (or other aperture) lucky enough to receive one.
Black women, however, do not have "monster cunts," nor do they appear to
be all that interested in the genitalia of their black brethren. Hence
the reciprocal fondness between black men and white women, especially
those known as sluts.
23. The family that fucks together stays together.
24. It's more fun to have sexual intercourse when there's a genuine
risk of pregnancy. Offspring resulting from unprotected intercourse of
minors tend to be sexy honor students by the time they reach middle
school.
25. Nuns {and English teachers, librarians, etc.} are really sexual
dynamos.
26. Ain't nothing wrong with most frigid women that a riding crop won't
cure.
27. Guys who go without underpants and have sex several times a day do
not develop a nasty rash.
28. Male doctors get their rocks off during physical examinations of
female patients. Female doctors have multiple orgasms whenever they
examine a beautiful person of either sex.
29. A girl will get her first orgasm from her first intercourse,
usually within minutes after having her hymen torn.
30. Most young girls are looking for experienced men to train them in
sexual practices. They want to start but they don't know anything about
it. When they find these instructors, they will say things like, "Yes,
eat my pussy now!" {Which is a strange request from somebody that
doesn't know anything about sexual practices.}
31. Most women who find that their husbands want to turn them out to
their friends respond, "Sounds like fun."
32. Most boys who are forced to act the part of a girl find that they
love the role. Unless this happens for the first time in a penal
institution other than school.
33. Parents routinely leave their bedroom doors ajar when they intend
to have sex, and kids do so when they intend to masturbate, which they
do noisily above the bed sheets.
34. Nobody ever farts while making love. Especially not during anal
intercourse. And even if they do, its never one of those rancid ones
that linger on and on. And even if it is, the partner thinks its sexy.
35. No one ever gets a cramp while making love. For that matter, no one
ever sneezes or has a nose so filled with snot that it's impossible to
breathe, much less give a blowjob.
36. The woman's vagina never makes that 'farting' noise due to trapped
air in there. If she does, this causes immediate orgasm in both
partners.
37. Nobody ever forgets to wipe his/her ass prior to having it licked,
which is unfortunate, because most people absolutely love the taste of
human feces.
38. The woman never says "Ouch! I wasn't ready! I'm too dry!" If she
thinks she wants to say these things, she instead says, "Fuck me
harder!"
39. Men don't turn over and go to sleep immediately after sex.
40. Women don't fall asleep at the beginning of sex, when they feel so
comfortable and relaxed, and they can just let themselves go.... If they
do fall asleep, their partner regards this as a compliment.
Second note: I was the recipient of an application of the Blowjob
Principle recently. One of my main goals is to make the Blowjob
Principle as popular as, say, Murphy's Law. That is, someday I hope
that someone will go into the office of the CEO of a major company or
nation and say, "You goddam idiot! Don't you even understand that the
Blowjob Principle applies here? If a person expects to get a second
blow job, the recipient should make the giver glad to have performed the
first." And the CEO will say, "You're right. You did a good job on
that project, and I neglected to show my appreciation." Then he'll give
the other person a blowjob; but since the Blowjob Principle is actually
a metaphor, the CEO will simply give the other person a raise or public
praise or something like that.
Simply summarized in its application to this group, the Blowjob
Principle states that if you enjoy a story and hope to see more like it,
you should express your appreciation to the author. A simple note that
tells the author you liked the story and why will suffice - a literal
blowjob is usually unnecessary and often impossible.
Third note: Several people have asked how they can post stories
anonymously. Here is some information on anonymous services. In
general, these permit people to post messages without using their
ordinary email address and without any reasonable possibility of their
identity being traced.
Information about one such service can be obtained by sending a note to
admin@anon.nymserver.com or email to help@anon.nymserver.com with a
blank message line.
In addition to the above service, the a.s.s.m. FAQ lists these two web
sites that offer free anonymous remailing services: www.POBoxes.com and
II. www.Mailmasher. Another service available through email can be found
at www.EDTec.com.
Fourth note: Someone is reposting the Uncle Mike stories. My advice to
you is to download all these parodies of American sitcoms and other
television shows. I have reviewed 25 of them. I'll repost half of my
reviews in this issue and the rest in CR 200. Meanwhile, I'll try to
catch up on those I missed.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"For Bearing" by Uther Pendragon (pregnant sex) 10, 8, 10
"The United Way" by Mike Hunt (complex spouse watching)
10, 10, 10
"The Same Time Next Year" by Tom (romance) 10, 10, 10
"A Difficult Question" by Tom Bombadil (emerging
adolescence) 10, 10, 10
"Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM (humor) 10, 10, 10
"Tease" by Jordan Shelbourne (tease) 10, 10, 10
"Conventional Sex" by the GreatxIam (emerging
adolescence) 10, 10, 10
"Short Stories" by Chuck Williams (short stories) 6, 3, 3
"The Realtor" by Arthur Reily (quickie) 6, 8, 8
"OK" by Robert (family reunion sex) 3, 3, 4
Guest Reviews:
"Let the Punishment Fit the Crime" by The Reverend
"The Rest Is Silence" by The Reverend
"The Vengence Factor" by Warrior874 (bondage & slavery)
3, 5, 4
Reposted Reviews (because the stories have recently been reposted):
* "Leave It to Beaver" by Uncle Mike (TV parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5
* "Flying Nun: Decameron Minus 99" by Uncle Mike
(holy sex) 10, 10, 10
* "Father Knows Best: The Midnight Ride" by Uncle Mike
(TV sitcom parody) 10, 6, 2
* "Family Affair" by Uncle Mike (TV sitcom parody) 10, 6, 4
* "Andy Griffith" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
* "Welcome Back Kotter" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
* "Mary Tyler Moore" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9. 9
* "The Waltons" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9, 7
* "Family Ties" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9, 8
* "WKRP in Cincinnati" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 9, 8
*"Three's Company: ... All Cats Are Gray" by Uncle Mike (sitcom
parody) 10, 9, 9
* "A Fly on the Wall" by P. D. Michael (voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
* "Spanish Lessons" by P. D. Michael (wife-watching) 8, 8, 8
* "Cotton Dresses" by P. D. Michael (sex with aunt) 9.5, 10, 10
* "Call It Even Someday" by P. D. Michael (blackmail & revenge)
9.5, 7, 8
* "Stake Out" by P. D. Michael (outdoor sex) 10, 9, 9
* "The Light In Mother's Window" P. D. Michael (exhibitionism)
10, 10, 10
* "Snow Cave" by P. D. Michael (cold threesome) 10, 9, 9
* "Teacher" by Anne018 (hot ff sex) 10, 10, 10
* "In Your Eyes" by Paddy Toute (romance) 10, 10, 10
"For Bearing" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Jeanette is so
pregnant that sex has become awkward, but they still do it. The action
is sweet and romantic. As I have said before, the child needs to know
that mommy and daddy like each other, and the main thing is that the
penis should be removed before the baby comes out.
The reason for the "8" for plot is that this segment is not a complete
story in itself. The series is still 10-10-10. If you have never read
any other segments in this series, you're likely to be left wondering
what in the world is going on here. On the other hand, those of us who
grown to know Jeanette and Bob will be pleased to see that things are
still normal in the Brennan household.
Ratings for "For Bearing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The United Way" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com). Pete and Mary want to
have a baby, but they can't. To put it delicately, Pete's gun works,
but it shoots blanks. Actually, most stories on this newsgroup take
non-pregnancy as a given, but this one uses it as a setup. Well, says
I, what can Mike Hunt do to help Pete and Mary get pregnant in a story
entitled "The United Way"?
Yep, it's just as you thought. Mike jerks off in a cup, gives the sperm
to them, and they apply it. No doctors, no hospital, no lab tests. Just
neighbors helping neighbors. Sort of like the United Way. What did you
expect?
But alas, a more direct approach becomes necessary, but things still are
not as simple as you might think. You can read the story for the
details.
By the way, I hear NBC is planning to do "Hunter" reruns this fall.
Ratings for "The United Way"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Same Time Next Year" by Tom (laddie@anon.nymserver.com). The idea
for this story came from the movie starring Ellen Burstyn and Alan Alda,
in which the two main characters arranged to meet each other for an
annual romantic tryst at a remote Northern California coast resort
between the years 1955 and 1977.
The author's storytelling technique is excellent. He plunges us into a
sexy scene in the middle of the story, then fills us in on the
background details, and then moves to the end of the story. Of course,
one should not dangle one's modifiers: "Even without cleavage, I
realized that I was sexually attracted to her." That sentence says that
the speaker (Tom) is the one sans cleavage, but the deficiency actually
describes Cinda. That lapse aside, this is an excellent story: lots of
character development, a well-structured plot, and hot sex.
As the author points out, this story begs the question of the potential
harm to others caused by marital affairs. In this story, he says, the
infidelity of the main characters is not a betrayal of a spouse, but is
rather an act of self expression. Yeah, right! Look that one up in The
Sophist's Dictionary. I think what he means is that this sounds like
fun, but real life is sometimes less idyllic.
It's been about a year since Tom posted his other two stories: "Birthday
Surprise" and "Thanksgiving." I hope we don't have to wait until the
same time next year for another story!
Ratings for "The Same Time Next Year"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Difficult Question" by Tom Bombadil (mrdouble@ix.netcom.com). The
title of this story is a setup. "Uncle Wally" is sort of baby-sitting
for the 15-year-old neighbor girl, and she asks him if she should go all
the way with a guy at school. They discuss the matter and he describes
one of his early sexual experiences to her. Of course, the question in
the mind of the reader is whether Uncle Wally is going to hump Pepper.
I'm not going to tell you the answer to that one. If I did, there would
be no dramatic tension left in the story. I will tell you, however,
that THE difficult question is one that I have not yet mentioned. This
is a very good story. I especially enjoyed the natural language and the
plausible yet sexy plot development.
This author is an enthusiastic user of my volunteer proofreading
service. The author assures me that this story became substantially
better because of the proofreading process. I encourage other authors
to take advantage of this or a similar service, if they are not already
doing so.
Ratings for "A Difficult Question"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Sam's Bad Day" by BronwenSM (bronwensm@writehand.clara.net.). Sam is,
among other things, a sidesman at his church. Forced to take the train
home from work, he finds himself in a surrealistic world of sperm-
berpers and perky DoubleTeamingTeens doing it doggie-style. Sam tries
to reason with the juicy teens, but the perverted sex-vixens seem to
have run amuck - er, amok - er, amuck, I guess. To put it bluntly, they
just plain love to fuck & suck and talk dirty on the phone.
You see, what Bronwen has done is compose a coherent story using as many
spam lines from a.s.s. and a.s.s.d. as possible. It's really cute! He
should receive a Well Deserved Spanking from Bare-Bottomed Schoolgirls.
Pics at Eleven.
Ratings for "Sam's Bad Day"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Tease" by Jordan Shelbourne (jordan@u36.com). Sometimes it's possible
to read a lot into a story - even one that's just 500 words long. This
story is about using a sexy story to "tease" a man to work harder. It's
also about a woman who can "tease" a man by the way she conducts herself
while bringing him off with her lips. It's also a "tease" because it
leaves us wishing for more.
Ratings for "Tease"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Conventional Sex" by the GreatxIam. The best thing about this sex
story is that it is much more story than sex, but it's still a great sex
story. The narrator is an 8th-grader in a Catholic school of the 60's.
His hormones have begun to emerge, and he is interested in shedding his
image of class geek. He resorts to pulling a prank on the nuns. He and
his friend pull a commando raid into the convent, and it goes awry. His
friend is caught, and the narrator finds himself in the cell of a naked
nun. And a very beautiful naked nun at that. She becomes his ally and
tries to help him escape, but this effort is thwarted by the pastor's
two lean Dobermans.
Returning to the safety of the nun's room, the boy recognizes in the
naked nun some basic elements of anatomy that he has seen only in
Playboy magazine. In short, he has now seen as much of Sister Juliet as
he has ever seen of any woman, even on paper. Good Golly, Sister Molly!
Alas, the poor lad has no means of egress and is essentially cloistered
in close quarters with a naked and nubile nun. Well, they don't cover
this sort of thing in nun school, and there is no patron saint whose job
is to watch over oversexed teenagers putting the moves on nuns.
To put it succinctly, the boy becomes attracted to more than the nape of
the neck of the naked and nubile nun and they fuck happily and
harmoniously throughout the night. If you can set aside the rather
tenuous assumption that the two nasty neophytes are on their way to
eternal perdition, you will find the sex to be passionate and arousing.
Except for an age difference that once was the topic of an algebra
problem on the SAT (Sister Juliet was one year short of being twice as
old as her young lover, who was twelve years younger than she....), this
young nun is in essentially the same position as Julie Andrews in "The
Sound of Music." My rather non-tenuous assumption is that once a nun
falls off the boat, she might as well fall way off the boat - and maybe
even learn to swim.
As a former Catholic school student, I enjoyed this story immensely.
And so the Seven Dwarfs stayed overnight at a convent near a wildlife
preserve. The next morning, the committee of six sent a representative
to the mother superior to ask if there were any nuns who were under
three feet tall. When the reply was negative, these six began chanting,
"Grumpy fucked a penguin, Grumpy fucked a penguin!"
Ratings for "Conventional Sex"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Short Stories" by Chuck Williams (calldrlove@aol.com). This is a
collection of four stories. In "Hockey Girl 1" Jo Ann is a girl who
plays on the co-ed hockey team in the summer league; but she is a real
girl, not a lesbian. In fact, at parties after the games she is one of
those naughty naked nymphos we hear so much about in the a.s.s. spam.
She eventually marries a guy on the team. End of story.
In "Hockey Girl 2" the narrator is coaching instead of playing hockey.
He has two girls on his team, both real cute and neither of them
lesbians. They fuck real nice. End of Story.
"Sherri and Terry" (third story) are rock groupies. The narrator has a
rock band when he's not coaching hockey or humping hockey players.
Wait! You won't believe this! Neither Sherri nor Terry is a lesbian;
and so he and his friend fuck both of them copiously and ubiquitously -
in the dressing room, in hotels, in their homes, in cars, in the back of
their bus, and even in restrooms. End of story.
There's one more story, but it's not as interesting as these others.
I mean the following comment in the nicest, most constructive way. These
are very bad stories. The author may see something sexy in his mind's
eye, but in order to make it interesting to someone else, he has to
develop an angle - that is, he has to tell the story in such a way as to
hold the reader's interest. I could turn these summaries over to almost
any of the authors in my recent short story contest, and these people
could expand them into fascinating stories that people would want to
read. The would accomplish this through such techniques as giving the
plot a focus, spicing the story up with sexy dialogue, developing the
personalities of the characters, and using language in surprising or
clever ways. In their current format, these stories simply are not
worth reading. If this author seriously wants to have an audience, he
should imitate the techniques of some of the excellent authors who post
on this newsgroup.
Ratings for "Short Stories"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"The Realtor" by Arthur Reily (Kristen's collection). Several weeks ago
a reader wrote to me about my own story, which he referred to as
"Virtuous Realty." I pointed out that my story was really a pun on
"Virtuous Reality" and had nothing to do with selling or buying houses.
However, since that time I have been watching just in case anyone has
actually tried to develop a "Virtuous Realty" plot.
This one is close, but no cigar: "Virtuoso Realty" maybe, but certainly
not "Virtuous." It's a "true" story about a guy who goes to buy a house
and the agent screws him and helps him make an earnest deposit. If you
look past the grammar, it's actually a brief but hot story.
Ratings for "The Realtor"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"OK" by (Kristen's Collection). I had time for a very short story, and
so I chose this one, which Kristen says was sent to her by a 12-year-old
boy who had a crush on her. It's about a 30-year-old man who goes to a
family reunion and is seduced by a 12-year-old cousin and then humps
everyone else in the family. I can believe this was written by a 12-
year-old. The grammar sucks worse than Sandy does; the guy comes more
often than anyone outside the spam lists; and we have no idea how anyone
feels about anything. If that's your kind of story, you'll be glad to
know there's going to be a sequel.
Ratings for "OK"
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
The following guest review was written by Purple Shade.
"Let the Punishment Fit the Crime" and "The Rest Is Silence" by The
Reverend. In the beginning, more years ago than I care to remember,
there was STAR TREK. It was followed, an actual generation later, by
STAR TREK - THE NEXT GENERATION. Which in turn was followed by DEEP
SPACE NINE and VOYAGER. Since those early beginnings, long before the
advent of the INTERNET, there has been STAR TREK FAN FICTION. A large
part of which has been ADULT FICTION. The latest additions to this long
tine are two new Voyager stories by THE REVEREND entitled "LET THE
PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME" and "THE REST IS SILENCE"
Both stories follow the lesbian lusts of Captain Kathryn Janeway.
Punishment follows a familiar theme, a coupling of Janeway with her half
Klingon engineering officer B'Elanna Torres. Although this is a road
much traveled, the author does a good job with this outing.
The second tale involves a character that is scheduled to appear on the
TV series next fall, namely that of a female Borg called `Seven of
Nine." Lost without the embrace of the collective, she quickly finds
solace in a much different embrace, that of the arms of everyone's
favorite female Captain.
Both stories are short but well written. It is very hard to work with
established characters because everyone has an opinion of how that
character should be depicted. The author handles it well and remains
true to their TV personas.
For what I'm assuming is a first effort, both stories left a desire to
see more work by The Reverend.
The following guest review was written by Tooshoes.
"The Vengence Factor" by Warrior874. I was immediately on guard when I
found a spelling error in the title, but I was surprised to find that
spelling wasn't much of a problem. Apparently the author was careful
enough to use a spell checker. Still, The Vengence Factor is riddled
with technical and grammatical errors which could have been caught
easily with a simple proof reading.
The first few pages caught my interest, describing a setting that would
be familiar to any Star Trek fan. An appealing young women, Julie, was
taking her first adventurous look out into a big universe, on a space
cruise known as the Pleasure Star.
Little does she know that her father has an archenemy, Raven, who
hijacks the ship, kills her father and enslaves her out of revenge -- or
maybe because he's just that kind of guy.
After that, the story turns into a simple mind control tale, with
infrequent creativity, lots of pain, until at long last, Raven rapes and
brainwashes every last bit of resistance out of Julie. Now she's a
totally willing slave. Ah, yes, a happy ending.
A happy ending to the story, that is, not to this review.
{Note from Celeste: I agree with this review. I had trouble finding a
reviewer to review this story. Two people told me they were unwilling
to review it, because it looked like a "juvenile torture story." I
think their point was that it's not very interesting to read about new
ways that dysfunctional adolescents could inflict sexual pain on people.
If there's going to be pain, fine; but it should have a reason, and
people should react to it in a realistic way.}
Ratings for "The Vengence Factor"
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 5
Tooshoes (appeal to reviewer): 4
* "Leave It to Beaver" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
This is one of a whole set of parodies of old TV sitcoms. They even
come with a cover story: Uncle Mike passed away, and Mom inherited the
computer, and the gentleman who posted these stories found them on the
hard drive and decided to share them with us.
This story begins with Beaver secretly watching Wally flog his hog.
While Wally is gone, Beaver finds the Playboy magazine and tries it
himself - only to be discovered by his mom. Rather than rebuking him or
making him feel guilty, June gently explains the facts of life to her
son. Then she gives him a practical demonstration of how to please a
woman. We also discover why June always wore those pearls around her
neck.
This was an enjoyable story. There's nothing complicated about the
style or the plot. Some of it is actually good psychology - but some of
it is bizarre, just like the original show. Someone might point out
that in real life mothers would be ill advised to have sex with their
pre-teenage children; but then they would be equally ill advised to name
a child Beaver in the first place.
Ratings for "Leave It to Beaver"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
* "Flying Nun: Decameron Minus 99" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Legend has it that in the days of yore -
possibly back when television sitcoms were black and white - there
existed a weekly series called "The Flying Nun." I know not who was in
the show nor the content thereof; and so I cannot tell whether this
story is a parody of that show, and so I shall respond to this as a tale
of inspiration in its own right.
This story tells of a poor farmer in a land called Italy who was
possessed by a demon that revealed itself to the world through an
appendage between the farmer's legs. One day a flying nun appeared from
the sky, and on that and successive occasions the farmer persuaded the
nun to help him draw the demon out of his body. The nun pursued her
holy task with great vigor and through noble stratagems did indeed draw
the bilious fluid of the demon out of the man; but alas on each occasion
the demon had returned by the time of the nun's next visit, and the
process of exorcism needed to be repeated many times. Fortunately, the
nun enjoyed her holy chore and kept laboring at it with the patience of
Jezebel.
This is an excellent story. It reminds me that back when I was in
Catholic elementary school we had to give our pastor a "Spiritual
Bouquet" for his golden anniversary. He thanked our class, as he read
it out loud: "....21 masses, 17 rosaries, 50 Our Fathers, 70 Hail Marys,
400 ejaculations...." And then he laughed. To us, an ejaculation was a
short prayer, such as "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, pray for us." To our
pastor the word had a more interesting meaning, which I suppose he heard
about in the confessional. I don't think he thought the fifteen boys in
our class were up to the task of 400 ejaculations prior to graduation.
In retrospect, I don't think the nun who taught the class had any idea
what the pastor was laughing about.
Ratings for "Flying Nun"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Father Knows Best: The Midnight Ride" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Jim Anderson gets a late-night phone
call from his daughter Betty, asking him to come and pick her up at the
Thompsons' house, where she was supposed to stay over after baby-
sitting. When he reaches her, Betty explains that Mr. and Mrs. Thompson
had tried to molest her. Jim drives his Princess to a quiet place,
explains that what had happened was her fault, and proceeds to fuck her
himself. This doesn't bother her; in fact, she enjoys it, because
Father Knows Best! Gimme a break!
The first two stories I reviewed by Uncle Mike I liked better than this
one. This is supposed to be a parody of the old "Father Knows Best"
sitcom; but the characters are so far out of their ordinary TV roles
that it just didn't come off to me as a parody. If you want a simple
incest story masquerading as a parody with a moral to the story, you may
enjoy this one. I didn't.
Ratings for "The Midnight Ride"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
* "Family Affair" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). When
evaluating a parody of "Family Affair," it is important to keep in mind
that that story itself was an unintentional parody of American life.
Uncle Bill was played by the insipid Brian Keith, a man completely
devoid of enthusiasm and hardly capable of sustaining an erection, much
less of having an orgasm. Occasionally he would have a date with a
woman even more insipid than himself; but they would inevitably break up
because of Uncle Bill's devotion to the children, whose names were
Buffie and Jodie. Presented with names like that, I could never
remember which was the boy and which was the girl. The issue was
further confused by the fact that the girl was a tomboy and the boy a
sissy. Even more confusing was the fact that the older sister - the
very embodiment of the word insipid - was named Cissy. The three
children were obviously unusual, but it was never clear to me whether
the trauma that caused their peculiarity was the sudden demise of their
parents or the fact that they had to live with Uncle Bill.
How this show survived without a flying nun or two I'll never
understand. Each episode would present new problems, which Uncle Bill
would solve from his easy chair without moving his lips; and then the
ebullient Mr. French would correct all the mistakes Uncle Bill made.
Mr. French did not solve these problems through his own wisdom, but
rather by consulting with the ubiquitous nannies whose influence is so
conspicuous among American children and who sit in their places of honor
each day except Sunday on the benches of Central Park.
So in this story Cissy goes to her first formal dance; her boyfriend
gets drunk and obnoxious; Cissy comes home feeling more insipid than
usual; and Uncle Bill comforts her, dances with her, and then fucks her
brains out. This story is clearly written, and the author has all the
names right, but a plot like this is hard for me to imagine. Readers
can interpret this as either (a) an actual romance about a dysfunctional
guy who boinks the teenager entrusted to his care (in which case it's a
pretty lame story), or as (b) a satire that lacks bite.
Ratings for "Family Affair"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
* "Andy Griffith" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Two
little boys were arguing about the prestige of their parents. "My
father is a doctor," said one. "I get free medical care. I can be
healthy for nothing." The other boy replied, "Big shit! My father's a
minister. I can be good for nothing." I modified his story a little,
but this is probably the first time my pastor has been quoted on this
newsgroup, although I suspect his picture has appeared on one of the
others. More relevant to this review - Opie was the son of Sheriff Andy
of Mayberry, and so he was good for nothing.
This story begins with Opie transporting a peach pie from Aunt Bea to
Helen Crump, who happens to be preoccupied at the time with Thelma Lou,
who is deeply engrossed in Helen's hair pie. Opie is what them city
fellers call transfixed, holdin' onto that peach pie in one hand and
rubbin' his penis with the other. Well, it seems that Opie has been
under the influence of Ernest T. Bass or a city slicker or something,
`cause when Thelma Lou leaves he goes into Helen's house and tells her
that he's going to blow the whistle on her unless she gives him a real
good blow job. And she does. But Opie doesn't stop there. He says he
wants to fuck her. And he does. And Miss Crump moans and bucks just
like a regular woman. And Helen says maybe next time he could fuck
Thelma Lou too. And when Opie walks out and goes home, he's whistlin'
all the way.
Ratings for "Andy Griffith"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Welcome Back Kotter" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Mr.
Kot-terrrr's wife Julie finds a love note that seems to indicate that
Gabe has been doing the horizontal lambada with a female Sweathog. She
resolves to teach both Gabe and the vixen a lesson. But then Vinnie
Barbarino and Freddy Washington show up on the fire escape, and Julie
switches to plan B. The guys are seeking counseling from Mr. Kotter
regarding how to make a better impression on Chrissy, who happens to be
Gabe's Sweathog Playmate. A sudden inspiration hits Julie, and she
knows how to teach everyone a lesson. Rather than an abstract lecture,
Julie gives Vinnie and Freddy hands-on practice. When Arnold Horshack
shows up, all her orifices are covered. When Gabe arrives home after
"work," Julie has a riddle for him: "If a bird in the hand is better
than two in the bush, what's better than a bird in the hand? Give up? A
bird in the mouth AND two in the bush!" Gabe doesn't get it. Serves him
right!
Ratings for "Welcome Back Kotter"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Mary Tyler Moore" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Mary
needs some time off, and Mr. Grant is unwilling to give it to her.
Finally, she whines in her inimitable way that she'll "do anything for
it." Mr. Grant's eyes light up in response to an evil thought: "You'll
do anything, Mary? ANYthing?" So Lou finally gets the blow job he's
always wanted from Mary; and Mary figures it's over. But then Ted walks
into the office; and to keep him quiet Lou lets him fuck Mary; and to
placate Mary for this humiliation, Lou gives her a second week off. But
then Murray walks into the office, and we have another emboikment and
another week's vacation. And then Gordie the weather man walks into the
office... This is a pretty good parody. Mary, Lou, and Ted are done
best; it's easy to imagine these TV characters doing what they do in
this story.
Ratings for "Mary Tyler Moore"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "The Waltons" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Erin and
Jason, the 12- and 13-year old children of the Walton clan go off to a
field and watch horses copulate. They marvel, and Erin tries to get
Jason to explain the process to her more clearly, but Jason doesn't know
much himself. Eventually they experiment by examining Jason's sexual
anatomy and then Erin's; and after that Erin suggests that Jason and she
might want to imitate the horses. They quickly discover the missionary
position, which they prefer to horsy style; and soon they are having sex
regularly. Then one day their older sister Mary Ellen catches them in
the act. So Jason fucks her too - after Erin primes her, of course. A
prologue tells us that eventually the rest of the kids join the fun as
well.
This is an interesting story about kids having sex with each other on
the farm; and I guess it's fun to associate the activities with the
various Walton kids. I have trouble with parodies, however, when the
people get too far out of character. These kids all behave as if their
irresponsible parents have taught them nothing about sex. I have an
overwhelming impression that the parents and grandparents in the Walton
series would have done a better job of raising their kids.
Ratings for "The Waltons"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
* "Family Ties" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). All the
members of the Keaton family are going on a family camping trip, except
Alyse, who has a cold and must stay home alone. Nick the Boyfriend has
prepared some spiked orange juice with which to console himself in the
wilds. Unfortunately, Nick leaves his brew at the Keaton house, and
Alyse wolfs it down in an attempt to ingest some vitamin C. Skippy
comes by to visit, and the drunken Mrs. Keaton comes on to him. He
fucks her a couple of times and leaves just as the others are returning
from their miserable trip.
This story would have had more potential if more of the family members
had been in it. Having Skippy fuck Alyse is probably not the most
creative way to parody this series.
Ratings for "Family Ties"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "WKRP in Cincinnati" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
Jennifer is feeling horny. She has agreed to baby-sit for a large
Russian wolfhound while its owner went to dinner with Herb. When
Jennifer crawls under the desk to get a piece of paper, she gets stuck
there; and she finds it not entirely unpleasant when she finds the dog
licking and then fucking her panty-less cunt. In gratitude, she even
gives the hound a blow job. Aside from this healthy dose of bestiality,
the story also contains humor that runs generally parallel to that in
the TV series.
Ratings for "WKRP in Cincinnati"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Three's Company: ... All Cats Are Gray" by Uncle Mike (Red Dragon
Repost). In this week's episode Jack rushes into the bedroom to save
Janet from a rapist, but it turns out to be her boyfriend, who departs
in anger. To make amends, Jack is required to finish what the boyfriend
had begun - a sort of surrogate coitus no-more-interruptus. Well, this
event changes their lifestyle; but since Chrissy is such a demure young
lady, Jack and Janet feel obligated to avoid scandalizing her. What
Jack really wants is to boink Janet's cute little asshole, but she won't
permit that, but one day Janet and Jack blow a fuse while they are
making love and a casserole, and Jack goes to fix it, and Chrissy comes
back from someplace, and Janet goes someplace else; and so Jack sees
Chrissy's asshole in the dark and thinks it's Janet's and starts fucking
it, but then the lights come back on and Janet says, "What's this?" and
they all laugh and fuck like bunnies in heat.
Ratings for "Three's Company
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "A Fly on the Wall" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). Two
beautiful librarians were painting the condominium that they shared.
Because it was hot and because they were hot for each other, they were
naked. The intercom buzzed, and the doorman said they had a visitor.
When they asked who it was, he answered, "A blind man." Being very
chaste women, they would normally have gotten dressed before letting a
caller into the room, but since the guy was blind, they just said, "Send
him up!" and continued with their work. When they heard a knock at the
door, one of them swung the door open in her naked splendor, and the
young man gawked at them, and a tent suddenly appeared in his pants.
When he recovered his voice, he asked, "Where do you ladies want these
venetian blinds?"
That joke was originally about nuns, but I decided to give nuns and the
Amish a break this week.
The present story is about a blind woman. A young voyeurist takes
advantage of her blindness and sneaks inside her apartment, so that he
can gaze upon her naked beauty without her knowing that he is there -
like a fly on her wall. The woman masturbates in front of him. {I
suppose maybe that's how she got to be blind.} Well, she figures out
that he's there {the guy was so horny that even I could smell his precum
across cyberspace}, but she doesn't get upset. Instead, she invites him
to have passionate sex with her. It's a very good story, but not quite
as good as my librarian joke.
Ratings for "A Fly on the Wall"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Spanish Lessons" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). The husband
has been fooling around; and the conservative, virtuous wife has become
upset. To set matters straight, they decide that she should have a
fling of her own. Once the wife discovers the thrill of infidelity,
there's no stopping her. The husband finds his pleasure in watching her
get boinked by Raoul and his friends.
Ratings for "Spanish Lessons"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Cotton Dresses" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). The narrator
has a bit of a fetish for girls in cotton dresses. It stems from the
day that he first copped a feel from a girl in a cotton dress. The girl
had told her mother, and the two of them had come to his aunt's house
(where he was staying) and demanded that he be punished. While they
berated him, he became visibly turned on; and this simply stimulated the
vicious circle of arousal, if you know what I mean. Anyway, the aunt,
who also owned several cotton dresses, found it necessary to give him
some sex education. The story never does mention what the boy's
punishment was.
Ratings for "Cotton Dresses"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Call It Even Someday" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). The
narrator's sister-in-law, Cheryl, is a snotty bitch who always puts him
down in front of other people. An opportunity to gain revenge arises
when he happens to see her with another man. He gives her the impression
that he has tapes of their romp at the motel, and the blackmail project
is underway. So he has sex with her and humiliates her and lives
happily ever after. It's a pretty good (but not quite complete) story.
Ratings for "Call It Even Someday"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Stake Out" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). Some guys who have
been long-time friends take their wives camping in Algonquin Park in
Ontario. One day they play a game where each of the wives is taken to a
secluded spot in a game of hostage. She is blindfolded and tied to a
stake. The wife who relates this story is pleasantly surprised when her
husband returns and starts to fondle her. Just prior to entry, the
blindfolded woman realizes that it's not her husband after all!
Ratings for "Stake Out"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "The Light In Mother's Window" P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com).
Back in the 1940s the kids used to hang out after dark and look through
windows to see who was getting naked and who was getting screwed. A
primary gathering place was outside the window of the narrator's mother.
Even the narrator himself used to spend hours outside Mom's window,
watching her play with herself or with someone else. Mom was a virtuoso,
but that doesn't mean she was a virtuous woman.
Times have changed. Back then, people didn't have air conditioning; and
so they left their windows open, and the kids had something to look at.
Nowadays, we have air conditioning, and most people close their windows
and their curtains; but kids have dirty videotapes and sex on the
Internet. Maybe that's what's wrong with the baby-boomers! They grew
up after air conditioning but before vicarious sex had become easily
abundant.
Ratings for "The Light In Mother's Window"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Snow Cave" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@gold.interlog.com). Maude has been
abandoned by her husband in a blizzard. She and two men have burrowed
into a snow cave, where it is necessary to cuddle together to keep warm.
Of course, it also helps to do something that generates a little heat in
order to maintain the level of warmth needed to sustain life. The idea
of making love with two eager strangers in a cocoon of sleeping bags in
a pitch dark cave certainly does have its erotic elements. With any luck
there'd be a snow cave for the night.
Ratings for "Snow Cave"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Teacher" by Anne018 (Anne018bi@aol.com). {Note: This author has
reposted this story with revisions. I am merely repeating my original
review here.} One of my favorite approaches for hot sex stories is to
have two scenes going at one time. Mark Aster does this by having Our
Hero make love to one of the Allen sisters while the other sister has
passionate sex nearby with someone else. The author alternates between
descriptions of both couples, and often the participants are motivated
by something one of the others does. Many authors achieve a similar
effect by focusing on voyeurism: one couple gets hot and bothered while
watching another couple making love. Plainman sometimes has three
sequences nested in his narratives.
The present story uses a similar technique: While Anne is taking a walk
with Sandy, she describes to Sandy her experience of visiting another
person to help that person and a friend get over a cold feet problem
during their first-time lesbian tryst. While you and I read the story,
we get turned on by the hands-on assistance Anne offers to the other
couple; and meanwhile Sandy has removed her top, her nipples have
hardened, they have reached a quiet place by the lake, and my pussy is
becoming moist. In other words, the author combines the two sets of
activities very effectively, and the effect on the reader can be very
nice indeed.
In short, at the most intense point of action, Anne is watching the two
novices and is getting all turned on, while she is fingering her pussy
and giving them instructions. Those two people are lost in heavenly
rapture. Sandy, who is getting hot and bothered listening to Anne
retell this story, begins to respond by removing some of her clothes and
becoming increasingly intimate with the storyteller. Anne is getting
turned on both by recalling the original incident and by what Sandy is
doing to her. As the story continues, these different storylines
combine and interact. Meanwhile, I as the reader, am experiencing all
of the above.
Like I said, it's an interesting approach.
One thing that I found to be really irritating in this story is that
both the person to whom Anne is narrating this story and one of the
novices to whom Anne gave instructions are named Sandy. In real life
this could happen, of course; but in fiction, why not help the reader
out by using two different names? Occasionally, I would hear someone
asking, "Did Sandy do this?" Sometimes I had to stop and think which
Sandy was talking. In general, however, the context helped me out, so
that this wasn't as big a problem as it might have been. My advice to
the author is to use the Replace function on her word processor to
change the novice Sandy to Penelope or Rachel or maybe even Yvette.
Ratings for "Teacher"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "In Your Eyes" by Paddy Toute (paddy22@aol.com). {Note: This author
has reposted this story with revisions. I am merely repeating my
original review here.} After a romantic dinner Paddy's lover takes her
back to her apartment and fucks her. I normally don't like these
second-person (you) stories - and I honestly believe that this one would
work better in the third person - but this one is so tender and
descriptive that I'm going to let that element slide.
When I saw this title, I thought I recognized it. I looked in my
database under "Eyes," and I verified that this was a new story. But
what I also discovered is that I have now read four stories containing
this word, and all of them have received straight 10's. They're all good
stories. I'll repost the reviews, and maybe the authors will repost the
stories.
Ratings for "In Your Eyes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10