Celestial Reviews 198 - July 12, 1997
Note: Is all that spam as irritating to you as it is to me? Apparently lots of
these spammers send their material to several groups at a time. I don't see how
we can eliminate this stuff, and so the secret seems to be to make the real
stories stand apart from the spam. One simple way to accomplish this is to
prefix your title with the initials of the newsgroup. For example, "{ASS} My
Story" would catch my eye as I'm skimming through the spam. It might be worth a
try.
Second note: I was the recipient of an application of the Blowjob Principle
recently. One of my main goals is to make the Blowjob Principle as popular as,
say, Murphy's Law. That is, someday I hope that someone will go into the office
of the CEO of a major company or nation and say, "You goddam idiot! Don't you
even understand that the Blowjob Principle applies here? If a person expects to
get a second blow job, the recipient should make the giver glad to have
performed the first." And the CEO will say, "You're right. You did a good job
on that project, and I neglected to show my appreciation." Then he'll give the
other person a blowjob; but since the Blowjob Principle is actually a metaphor,
the CEO will simply give the other person a raise or public praise or something
like that.
Simply summarized in its application to this group, the Blowjob Principle states
that if you enjoy a story and hope to see more like it, you should express your
appreciation to the author. A simple note that tells the author you liked the
story and why will suffice - a literal blowjob is usually unnecessary and often
impossible, or at least impractical.
Third note: Somebody recently reposted "The Continuing X-Rated Adventures of
Gordon Schumway." This is an "Alf" episode. Alf is a television character whom
I cannot even describe. I know I am possibly missing one of the great joys of
life, but I have never watched more than five consecutive seconds of an Alf
episode in my life. The story appears to be well written, and lots of people
like sitcom parodies. Alf had a major audience, and some of those Alfites must
follow this newsgroup. This story probably deserves to be reviewed. If there's
a volunteer out there who would like to do a guest review this, I'd be happy to
hear from you.
Fourth note: Somebody named Spamhater has been posting a large number of good
stories. These stories are "zipped," which means you need software to "unzip"
them. Many services (AOL, for example) supply this unzipping service
automatically. To help you recognize good stories when Spamhater posts them, I
am reposting reviews whenever I recognize the titles of the stories.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me,
my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Remembering the Sting" by Renae Nicks (first time)
10, 10, 10
"A Fast Date I Once Had" by Kathy (sex in a fast car)
8, 10, 10
"A Very Special Summer" by Neil Stevens (rough love &
romance) 9, 9, 10
"The Knight Errant" by Caintigern O'Niall (gay knightly sex)
10, 10, 10
"In Your Eyes" by Paddy Toute (romance) 10, 10, 10
"Bedtime Stories" by Mule and Amity (segments of very
long story) 8, 3, 2
"Bart and an Older Woman" by GzAxgaiefX (sitcom parody)
8, 8, 8
"Transitions" by Ramapo (dreams & ff cybersex) 9.5, 10, 10
"Sacrament" by Gwydion (guilt & penance) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Bird of Prey" by SmutLizard (control) 9, 10, 10
"Invisible Woman" by Celeste (exposing the boyfriend)
8, 9, 8
"Icecream Sundae" by BronwenSM (British FF sex)
10, 10, 10
"College Haze" by Dimitri (fraternity sex) 7, 9, 10
"Therapy" by DG (rape) 10, 10, 5
Reposted Reviews (because the stories have recently been reposted):
* "Escort Service" by Sexy 37 (oral sex) 9, 9, 7
* "He Doesn't (Love Her Like I Do)" by Uther Pendragon
(emerging adolescence) 10, 10, 10
* "Winning Through Intimidation" by J. Boswell. (wife
watching) 9.5, 7, 7
* "Vacation Doesn't Count" by J. Boswell (wife watching)
9, 9, 8
* "Ten Dollar Fine" or "You Ain't Never Gon' Forget" by
Wollstonecraft (rape) 10, 10, 9
* "The Fourth Ring" by Hunter Jackson (wife watching)
10, 10, 10
* "Peach Pit After Hours" by Roger P. Tipe (gang rape)
9.5, 9, 8
* "Stars in Our Eyes" by Mark Aster (romantic outdoor
voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
* "Wide Brown Eyes" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (romance)
10, 10, 10
* "The Eyes of Satan" by Swoon Racers (hypnosis) 10, 10, 10
"Remembering the Sting" by Renae Nicks (RenaeNicks@aol.coom). This is the story
of Renae's first sexual experience. It's one of those rare "true" stories that
is both interesting, sexy, and apparently true. Renae and Mark met in a college
course - in fact, it was a biology course, and the professor was lecturing on
human sexual reproduction. They grew closer and closer and finally made love.
That's about all there is to it, but the author makes it seem a lot more
interesting.
Ratings for "Remembering the Sting"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Fast Date I Once Had" by Kathy (Kristen's Collection). People always warn
about drunk driving, but I've often suspected that there are other activities
that are equally dangerous. Of course, I'm referring to falling asleep at the
wheel. Really. In this story the narrator describes how she gave a blowjob to
her date while he was driving the car at over 100 miles an hour. I imagine this
could become one of those really interesting algebra problems: "Assume that Jane
has a ninety percent probability of bringing Dick to the onset of orgasm within
10 minutes of intense oral sex and that Sally can do the same to John Thomas in
15 minutes. The couples start at cities 50 miles apart and drive toward each
other on a dark, two-lane highway at 100 miles per hour. How likely is it that
they will have a wreck if each driver's blowjob starts at the beginning of the
trip and it takes one minute for each to regain his composure after ejaculating
for 30 seconds?"
Although I don't approve of this level of risk, this IS a sexy story. The
combination of sexual stimulation and danger IS sexy, even though it may also be
stupid. In my own life, when my husband and I were dating, I once slid over
next to him and started to fondle his leg. He glanced at me and said, "If you
think you're so unattractive that you can do that to me without risking our
lives, you had better think again." Not a bad combination of safety slogan and
pickup line! I oughta donate that line to MADD.
Ratings for "A Fast Date I Once Had"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Very Special Summer" by Neil Stevens (WA3IAO@aol.com). James is a graduating
senior at the Indiana School for the Deaf, an outstanding jock, and a virgin.
He is helping Sue pack to move away for the summer. Sue is a sexually
experienced, sexy teacher. In the passion of the moment James initiates rough
sexual contact with Sue, who loves every moment of it. Pretty neat, huh? Well,
actually James is guilty of rape, since he pushed himself on Sue after she had
said no. You see, when Sue said "no," she really meant "yes," even though she
didn't realize this at the time. That excuse will never hold up in court, and
about two years ago a famous country-western singer withdrew a very successful
song that contained a refrain about "when I say no I really mean yes."
Anyway, since Sue has enjoyed the experience so intensely, she decides to "do
the right thing" by teaching her new lover how to fill a real woman's needs
without doing violence to her. She begins her lessons immediately. Over the
course of the summer they cover an entire curriculum of taboo subjects. The
climax of the summer comes during a session of wild anal sex. Then they drift
apart and eventually stop seeing each other.
Although the language is usually very descriptive and highly provocative, the
story is sometimes disrupted by needless grammatical glitches. In addition, the
story is interrupted by a prolonged session of telephone sex between Sue and a
former boyfriend, who really plays no other part in the story. This comes
across like a leftover from another story the author never got around to
finishing. As for the anal sex, I simply don't understand why they went at it
the way they did. It was painful, and they seemed to get off a little on the
pain itself, but Sue obviously wished that she could do it without the pain.
WHY DIDN'T THEY USE A LUBRICANT? The anus simply does not self-lubricate the
way the vagina does - even during very passionate anal penetration; and a
thorough lubrication with KY lubricant or even with a lot of saliva makes anal
sex a lot less painful, even downright enjoyable. In real life what James and
Sue did to her anus would lead to unnecessary infection and tissue damage.
Ratings for "A Very Special Summer"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Knight Errant" by Caintigern O'Niall (Caintigern@deathsdoor.com). I don't
read or review a lot of stories about gay men. My decision is not a form of
censorship; it's just that I am myself a heterosexual female, and while stories
about lesbians do excite me, those exclusively about gay men do not. This one
caught my eye because it would give me an excuse to post this humorous list of
medieval pickup lines:
1. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart.
2. Can I hose down your doublet?
3. Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridge and
let me cross.
4. You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and
plundered by now.
5. What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?
6. Come up and see my scrolls.
7. You can scale my battlements any day, madam.
8. You scratch my boils and I'll scratch yours.
9. They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know.
10. My that's a fine set of chalices you have there.
11. Ssh, I don't want everyone to know I'm on a secret holy quest.
12. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing
they stretched.
I'm sure some of these lines can be modified to suit gay men, but they are
essentially irrelevant to the story. Nevertheless, I'm glad I reviewed the
story, because it is a well-written, creative endeavor. It tells of a farm boy
who comes upon {oops! a Freudian pun there} a knight sleeping near a stream.
First the boy goes for a swim and reminisces about his first gay experience with
a peddler boy. Then he goes and gives the knight a wake-up call. The knight
puts the boy to the test and then invites him to become his squire - largely
because of the boy's ability to take care of his sword.
This story continues in "The Knight and His Squire."
Ratings for "The Knight Errant"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"In Your Eyes" by Paddy Toute (paddy22@aol.com). After a romantic dinner
Paddy's lover takes her back to her apartment and fucks her. I normally don't
like these second-person (you) stories - and I honestly believe that this one
would work better in the third person - but this one is so tender and
descriptive that I'm going to let that element slide.
When I saw this title, I thought I recognized it. I looked in my database under
"Eyes," and I verified that this was a new story. But what I also discovered is
that I have now read four stories containing this word, and all of them have
received straight 10's. They're all good stories. I'll repost the reviews, and
maybe the authors will repost the stories.
Ratings for "In Your Eyes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Bedtime Stories" by Mule and Amity (mule@eat-spam-tpe.com). I suspect I may
have stumbled onto a cult series here. I could find only Chapters 61 and 63. I
presume there are about 60 other chapters out there, and they keep on coming.
What I do know is that it's hard to jump into the middle of this series. I also
know that what I have seen has not inspired me to go back and find the other 60
chapters; but as I said, it's probably a cult thing - kind of like the Rocky
Horror Movie. As I understand Chapter 61, Amy is training a group of people to
be dommes, and as part of the training program she is reading to them a field
report by Plaything, an apparent man who has trouble getting through airports
because he has to wear a chastity belt. I think he has been testing a remote-
control chastity device which can be used on sex offenders in Boston - among
other uses. The only other exciting thing in this chapter is that one of the
dommes-to-be goes to the bathroom to take a piss (off-stage).
As I said, I don't have Chapter 62 - but that's OK; don't send it. When I got
to Chapter 63, the same gang of dommes was discussing a torture device that Doug
(a.k.a. Plaything, I think) has to wear: it causes him no pain when his dick is
soft but has spikes and such things to torment him when the cock gets hard; and
of course the dommes giggle and look forward to making it hard on Doug. After a
break Amy gives marital advice to Dorian, but it's really hard to determine what
the advice is actually about.
These chapters are not badly written - that is, the sentences make sense; but
when I put them together it was difficult to figure out why I had bothered. I
think what must be happening here is that the authors were either drinking or
smoking something and started a story without really knowing where it was going.
Now, 60 chapters later, they still aren't sure where they're going, but they're
having a great time going there. Every once in a while somebody chips in with a
story idea or utters the modern equivalent of "Far out, dude!"; and the result
is another chapter or so. This isn't necessarily bad; I suspect that major
religious movements and political parties have emerged from flimsier origins.
If you like this sort of thing, you'll enjoy this series. The whole series is
apparently posted at http://www.tpe.com/~mule and http://www.tpe.com/~amity.
Ratings for "Bedtime Stories"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
"Bart and an Older Woman" by GzAxgaiefX (gzaxgaiefx@aol.com). Bart Simpson is
the cartoon role model whose task in life is to encourage American children to
despise school. Acting on the advice of his amoral and incredibly stupid
father, he goes to his teacher and confesses that he is the person who has been
writing love letters to her. Since she had been deeply moved by the letters, the
teacher is really pissed off; and as his punishment Bart is required to satisfy
her needs. Being a sexually ignorant fourth grader who has not yet even begun
puberty, Bart is confused. But isn't he always? Don't have a cow! Bart fucks
the old lady, and episode 2 is on the way.
Ratings for "Bart and the Older Woman"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Transitions" by Ramapo (posted as "Transformations" by pjchis@cpcug.org).
Tiffani is a rather plain woman who has not hit it off with men. She has been
having very hot, intensely sexual dreams about female lovers. On an impulse she
answers an e-mail personal ad from a lesbian named Vixen who offers to make her
the woman of her dreams. After the exchange of a few intense messages, Tiffani
finds herself driving to meet Vixen. Now I'm getting close to spoiling the
story, and so I have to be careful here. Let me just say that I'll bet somebody
out there has a magic potion that can turn a person into the woman of her
dreams, but the FDA's bureaucracy won't let it onto the market until it has gone
through careful, clinical testing with appropriate control groups.
I forgot to mention that this story is science fiction - alternate reality
stuff. The cerebral part is interesting, but the dream descriptions are really
the sexy part.
Ratings for "Transitions"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Sacrament" by Gwydion (gwydion@writeme.com). This story came across like one
of those foreign movies I used to watch when I was in college: It wasn't what I
would call enjoyable, but I knew it was good. But I couldn't say why.
The gist of the story is that a woman who is a maid in a hotel has a serious
guilt problem; and she's working hard at suppressing her sexuality, which she
considers to be the root of her sinfulness. One of the guests at the hotel is a
former priest - not only an ex-priest, but a depraved ex-priest who has his
waste basket filled with filthy pictures of men abusing women. The former
priest counsels the woman, and in a sort of sacramental sexual ceremony he helps
her atone for her sins. The experience rejuvenates her - and him.
The story is reminiscent of a Graham Greene novel - the old whisky priest theme
from "The Power and the Glory." This story is not jerkoff material, but it seems
reasonable to believe that serious stories have a place on this newsgroup.
I have frequently maintained that the bdsm stories don't ring true to me,
because I find it hard to understand how a person can express love for another
by being deliberately cruel. I have also often stated that from my own
background the closest thing to extreme bdsm as a form of love is the
theological insight that God somehow redeems people by making them suffer. One
of the great Catholic classics is the medieval "Imitation of Christ," and it
focuses on this theme. Priests still preach this insight from the pulpits, and
I think these priests are generally full of crap. The same theme runs through
many of the American Puritan literary classics (e.g., "The Scarlet Letter") as
well as the literature of many nations and cultures. I personally reject that
concept of God, but I'm sure many readers of these reviews will find it to be
familiar. These readers (and these preachers) may be right, and I may be wrong.
What this author does is make a little more explicit than most authors the
relationship between religion and certain sexual activities as a form of
purification.
I have a friend who acknowledges that "Schindler's List" is probably a great
movie; but she has no intention of seeing it, because she "has enough problems
in her own life without watching a movie that dwells on man's cruelty to man."
I'm sure she wouldn't be interested in this story either. If you feel that way,
you might want to skip this story. Read something frivolous and uplifting like
my own "Virtuous Reality."
This story made me feel uncomfortable, but it was still an excellent story.
Ratings for "Sacrament"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following Guest Review was written by Taria:
"Bird of Prey" by SmutLizard (SmutLizard@hotmail.com) This is one of the most
frightening stories I have ever read on this newsgroup. The story is told from
the point of view of a rugged and astute Police Officer, Sergeant Jakes, and
describes his investigation of a rash of mysterious suicides. Jakes' quest
begins late one night at a "sleaze factory," a local dive bar; it ends abruptly
much later that same night. At the heart of the mystery, the story, and
eventually Sergeant Jakes, is a woman--a blonde doll in a red dress, with blood-
red eyes. From the outset, this piece is gripping; it is a tale that is vividly
and chillingly told (never mind the typos, especially the oft-misspelled
"sergeant").
But the most frightening aspect of the story, to me, was not the plot, the
action, or the use of language. What scared me most was the figure of the
woman, Melissa, and what she represents. Melissa is desire incarnate for Jakes
from the moment he meets her. Yet her desirability is overtly threatening, and
she herself explains why: "You see," she says, "sex does not exite me,
Sargent...I'm turned on by control. watch." And watch he does, as Melissa
controls his desire, his sexual response, his deepest needs. Even as she offers
to do his bidding she continues to control him, deciding for herself what his
bidding will be. And Jakes abandons all control, all of himself as his desire
for her--which she manipulates at will and creates in the first place--washes
away his selfhood and his most basic instincts for self-preservation.
Many of the stories on a.s.s. use sex as a metaphor for power or control. Some
of these--most notably the S&M or B&D variety--take no pains to conceal this
connection, and many revel in the terms "force," "control," and "obey" and their
connection to sexual interplay. But what exactly do these stories reveal about
the ubiquitous female "Mistresses" and other dominant women characters who wield
all of this power? In "Bird of Prey," the woman seeks to conquer man after man,
robbing each male of his essence, of that which makes him a living man, and then
deriving her own pleasure only at the moment his surrender to her is complete.
"Are you mine, Officer Jakes, or are you your own?" she asks, and the answer is
obvious to both the man and the woman. "You are going to give me...the ultimate
control, just because you want me. And you are never going to have me. You
know it, and you're going to do it anyway."
In this story the pain is pleasure, the pleasure is pain--and all is
orchestrated by the totally-controlling woman. I am not saying that SmutLizard
is especially sexist or misogynistic, and I'm not especially concerned with his
particular formation of the Vagina Dentata (the all-devouring vagina with teeth-
-viz. Melissa's unique blow jobs), or of the "Madonna/Whore" (Melissa is
essentially both, embodying both pure control and irresistible sexual desire).
I _am_ saying that on alt.sex.stories, a public sexual forum mostly involving
the participation of men, there are some interesting patterns of female
characterization. And because "Bird of Prey" is not only a ripping good yarn
but also a very symbolic piece, it is quite revealing. Read the story and enjoy
it. Then think about it.
Ratings for "Bird of Prey"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Taria (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following Guest Review was written by Figment. Note that the author of this
story is a different Celeste, who now goes under the name Sexy 37 - not the
author of these reviews.
"A WOMAN'S TOUCH... Invisible Woman" by Celeste
(trihole@ix.netcom.com). I can't say much about this story without giving it
away. Actually, I probably can, because it's pretty obvious what's going to
happen from early on.
A college student believes her boyfriend is cheating on her. He denies it. To
prove he's cheating on her (or, I guess, that he's willing to cheat on her), the
woman concocts a plan with one of her roommates: The roomie (our lovely
protagonist, who's something of a sexual wallflower) will get the boyfriend to
fool around with her - just kiss a little - in a previously designated spot; and
the angry girlfriend can catch them. Conveniently, this will take place at a
Halloween party, and our protagonist has an excellent costume, so the boyfriend
and anyone else will never know just with whom he cheated.
Naturally, things don't go as planned. Nothing too crazy happens - but I'll
leave you with a little bit of a cliffhanger so you go read the story.
There are some inconsistencies in this story:
- Why does the girlfriend need to catch her boyfriend in the act? It won't prove
whether he cheated on her before; and if she really believes he did, she should
just dump his ass and be done with it.
- No one is supposed to recognize the protagonist because of her costume. I'll
grant, it sounds like a costume that'd conceal a lot; but she also mentions
she's only 5'1". Personally, I don't know too many people that short. There
would have to be a lot of folks at a party for me not to recognize a significant
other's roommate who's only that tall.
There's also some very hot sexual activity in this story. That creates a bit of
an inconsistency too: I don't think I know a man who'd refuse the protagonist -
or any attractive woman - if she came on to him like she comes on to the
boyfriend in this story. I suppose the girlfriend never imagined her roommate
would get so nasty.
Anyway, this story starts out slow, but it gets hot. (I'm partial to drunken
quickies, though, so that may just be me.) It was interesting enough to me that
I'll probably check out at least a couple more of the "Woman's Touch" series.
I do hope this story really is true, because for a _true_ story, it is pretty
damn sexy (although I don't know if I'd like to live with a roommate who'd do
this to me); for a work of fiction, it's just OK.
FINAL NOTE: In the future, the author could leave out all the smileys - :) .
They don't make the story more personal - they just prevent you from really
thinking of this as a "story" - be it true, or a work of fiction. They're not
really necessary, either - the humor is obvious from context. Anyway, in this
reviewer's opinion, it's hard to get yourself off - it's hard to feel sexy at
all - when emoticons are jumping off the page at you. :)
Ratings for "Invisible Woman":
Technical Quality: 8
Plot & Character: 9
Appeal to Reviewer: 8
The following review was written by Mark Aster.
"Icecream Sundae" by BronwenSM (bronwensm@writehand.clara.net). This is a very
nice story! Two female friends get drunk together, complain about men, go back
to the room, and make love. Just what I'd like to do if I were female. Well,
something like that. The writing is sound, the characters are agreeable, the
sex is hot and not drawn-out. I do have two problems with the story:
(1) it's in a foreign language. That is to say, it's in English, and I speak
American. What does "pissed as a fart" mean? What's a "duvet"? What are "DMs"?
Most of the foreign words occur during the setup, however; the sex itself seems
internationally worded. (This isn't really a problem, of course, it's actually
great fun. "Bollocks to this for a game of soldiers" will stick in my mind for
years, or at least days.)
(2) the narrator has never made love to a woman before, and this particular
woman is a friend of hers. I would normally expect this to figure a little more
in the story, contribute to some tension, some fear of making a wrong move, of
having messed up the friendship, of being a Pervert, whatever. But both ladies
take the whole thing VERY casually. Which shows admirable rationality on their
parts, but does deprive us the readers of some potentially sexy and heartwarming
emotional-tension stuff (the kind of stuff that's all too rare in sex-writing).
Maybe next time! <grin>
Overall, a good story, and particularly interesting to F/F fans, Brit-fans, and
non-skinny-lady fans (you'll have to read the story to find out why that last
bit).
Ratings for "Icecream Sundae" (added by Celeste):
Technical Quality: 10
Plot & Character: 10
Appeal to Reviewer: 10
The following is a Guest Review by Piper (a regular contributor to a.s.s. under
another name).
"College Haze" by Dimitri (dimitri@ihug.co.nz). This is a great story for
reviewing. I mean, besides being a pretty good story in its own right, the
author leaves soooo many different angles to chose from for poking fun, that I
just can't make up my mind.
This a campy sendup/reprise of those hilariously bad _Revenge Of_
somethingorother movies with enough naked female flesh being caressed, licked,
and sucked by other females, to fill out the lack in all of the aforementioned
flicks.
Firstly, the story is about a college jock named Jock, this nerdy computer geek
type guy named Sebastian, and about forty (yes, 40!) college girls. The girls
are all members of the elite Delta House sorority. Jock is trying to become a
member of the Alpha Phi Beta fraternity, just like his father. The upper
echelon in Alpha Phi Beta are trying to get the upper hand on the girls of Delta
house by getting the deep and dirty lowdown on them, mostly because none the
Alpha members have ever managed to slip into any of the Delta deltas. Jock gets
the job of skulduggering, and if he's successful, he'll automatically be
accepted and become a member. Er, let's change that last bit to say he'd be
accepted into the fraternity. And the Geek? He's your typical antisocial
technical genius with a thing for computers, cameras, and security systems.
Secondly, if I had to make a crude guess, I'd say the story was typed out using
one hand by a fairly advanced fifteen year old high school kid with an
overactive imagination, overactive libido, and a failing grade in English. I
know better, though. Dimitri tells us right off the bat that he's a New
Zealander. They don't use Northern Hemisphere English down there. I know.
I've seen Crocodile Dundee three times. They got sheilas and barbies down there
that don't need capitalization. It also accounts for what I would normally call
misspelled or misused words, like ultimateum, or lebian. (I know, N.Z. isn't
Australia, but they have similar dialects).
Thirdly, I was under the misapprehension that the folks in N.Z. used the same
deck of cards we use. Over in Vegas, if two folks in the same game in the same
deal got the hands these two did, someone would end up deep in doodoo (that's
shit, if you didn't already know). One had four kings, and the other had a
straight flush, running from ten to ace. (For the uninitiate, a straight flush
is five cards running in sequence, all of the same suit. I wonder what it would
be like to play poker with a deck that has at least five kings in it?)
It's interesting to read a story written by someone so far away. I learn new
things, and new words. My favorite new word is "fumegators". I'm not sure, but
I think it's something fairly similar to an exterminator, but they rid your
house of 'gators rather than the smaller kinds of pests. See? Reading the
stories in a.s.s. is educational!
Truthfully, I did enjoy the story - as much for the strange and unusual errors I
found as for the plot and pussy munching. There are more misplaced modifiers,
dangling participles, run-on sentences and swapped homonyms than in one of
Caesar's old stories.
If the author is looking for any advice, I'd say to keep writing just like he
is, but find someone to iron out all the technical details for him. (Now if I
can just figure out how to translate "The blonde sat up on the bed on her knees,
then bent down over the brunettes laps, her head beginning to bob up and down,"
I'd be satisfied that I could speak 'Zealander!)
(PS: I downloaded the story about a week before Celeste asked me to review it,
and passed it on to a couple of my friends whom I call ladies, but not to their
faces. They give it a pretty good rating of 4-5-1. Of course, their system
isn't based on a scale of 1-10, like Celeste's. It's quite a bit more open
ended. That was four orgasms for one, five for the other, with one of each
being close enough together to be considered mutual. HOW they came up with the
rating, I didn't ask, and don't ever intend to.)
Ratings for "College Haze":
Technical merit 7
Plot & character 9
Appeal to reviewer 10
The following review was written by Green Onions:
"Therapy" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com) He's got it all.
A muscular body, a blue-blooded resume, a fully-loaded Jeep and an eye--well,
*three* eyes to be precise--for the babes. He's a BMOC (Big Man On Campus)
who strutted straight out of the coolest fraternity at a prestigious east coast
school right into the hottest brokerage firm in the second city.
And _man_, do the _girls_ ever know it. As long as they're not too possessive
and willing to put out, he'll find exactly the right way to tack another notch
on the ol' shooter.
So sports fans, don't be surprised if you see this player pump that white blur
clear outta the ballpark! This dude's already got one heck of a lifetime
scoring record and they're not even close to thinking about retiring his . . .
um . . . jersey.
She's shy.
It's not that she doesn't know anything about sexuality and male-female
relations--in a very unfortunate way she knows too much. She's in recovery
right now, looking for the right sort of situation so she can learn to be
herself again while coming to terms with her wrenching memories of being forced.
Perhaps what she needs is a sensitive nurturing type who's seen his own share of
trouble. Someone who can fill the role of lover, analyst, and healer all at
once to help mend the cracks in her sexual/emotional psyche.
Guess who she runs into instead.
Will our gunslinger run up his score or will he get drafted for her team? Can
the hair of another dog help a bitten patient? On the couch of a.s.s., the
treatment may well depend on who's playing doctor and who's on first.
You'll have to read `Therapy' by DG to find out more, but I can guarantee you
that it doesn't really have anything to do with sports, nor does anyone end up
bending over a medical textbook. However some bending over is involved, along
with an object shaped like a baseball bat.
This author writes extremely well. The protagonists appear compelling enough to
touch and the reader is immersed in just the right number and variety of details
required to make the scenes and the characters' reactions appear both realistic
and believable. Other than the possible addition of some internal divisions in
this lengthy story, I'm basically at a loss when it comes to suggesting
improvements to a virtually flawless implementation of an elegant plot.
But there were two erroneous plays in this otherwise seductively realist
approach to the game of erotica. Can a rape victim achieve arousal by
recollecting her experience--albeit in a very unusual circumstance? If you
don't think the answer to that one is a no-brainer, let me disabuse you: no
connection whatsoever exists in the minds of a victim between sex and rape, any
more than there is something exciting to a man about the idea of having his
erect penis sliced up like a salami.
Most importantly the plot presumes that there are unique situations in life in
which forced sex can be viewed in a positive light. Nothing could be farther
from the truth. Sexual abuse is the proverbial ill wind that blows no one any
good.
Until the final scene I enjoyed the author's satirical sense of humor and the
professional quality of the writing immensely.
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
* "Escort Service" by Sexy 37 (trihole@ix.netcom.com). This story has appeared
variously as "Escort" and "Escort Service." The woman narrating this story has a
Real Oral Problem. She has tried and tried, but she cannot get a cock big
enough to satisfy her hungry mouth. The solution, of course, is to sign up with
an escort service to fulfill the needs of a young black athlete who is coming to
a college campus pursuant to a basketball scholarship. It turns out that Al is
a shy lad, who spends most of his time practicing his craft and hitting the
books; and so he has no real experience with middle-aged white women who need to
resolve their oral fixations. In addition, his cock is monster only on the
diameter side, just barely tipping 8 inches or so in length. In addition, he
cums too quickly the first time.... In the end <g>, they hit if off pretty
well. Of course, this whole affair constitutes a NCAA rule violation, and no
coach would ever permit it.
As I have said before, I get irritated with the stereotype of black men with
monster cocks. I realize that on this newsgroup penile immensity is a sign of
distinction and should be accepted as a form of flattery, but the insinuation
that black men in general are studs is perhaps a bit demeaning. At least my
brother-in-law, who is a black man, says so. He's also a deeply religious
person who thinks pornography is the bane of society, and so I don't have too
many direct conversations with him on the topic. However, my sister has had
intimate verbal and physical intercourse with him, and both she and the
scientific literature state that there is no significant difference in size of
sex organs between black and white males.
The lady in this story should consider other possible solutions to her problem.
First, she should consider the hypothesis that maybe the problem is that her
mouth is too big rather than that her husband's penis is too small. In
addition, she might consider dating white guys named Bubba with very tiny necks,
since what's missing from the neck often reappears in the penis - or so I've
heard.
Aside from offending my sociological sensibilities, this is actually a pretty
hot story.
Ratings for "Escort Service"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
* "He Doesn't (Love Her Like I Do)" by Uther Pendragon (an569889@anon.penet.fi).
This story is written from a most unusual perspective - from the viewpoint of a
dog who belongs to a young girl going through adolescence. We see most of the
sexual activity only indirectly - we have to surmise it through the mind of the
dog, who draws most of his conclusions by looking and sniffing. The girl cries
a lot, has different smells on her fingers and in her crotch, and occasionally
rubs bouillon into her body for Wiggles to lick out while she moans gently. It
must have been a challenging task to write an entire story from this
perspective; but the author carries it off beautifully. I truly enjoyed this
story.
Ratings for "He Doesn't (Love Her Like I Do)"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Winning Through Intimidation" by J. Boswell. Jim's long-lost brother
(actually cousin) comes to visit after an absence of nearly 20 years. He fucks
Jim's wife regularly during the week-long visit; and she loves it. Jim's
daughter Cindy also hastens to her uncle's bed. There's really not much to this
story - macho man humps wimp's wife and daughter while wimp stands by; but it's
well written and somewhat interesting story about dysfunctional people.
Ratings for "Winning Through Intimidation"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
* "Vacation Doesn't Count" by J. Boswell. The title of this story is derived
from one of the few American aphorisms that has not been attributed to either
Mark Twain, Will Rogers, or Ben Franklin: "What happens on vacation doesn't
count when you get back to the `real world.'" I assume it was actually Benjamin
Disraeli who first spoke these words.
Sondra is a happily married mother of three who goes on vacation with her
husband and discovers that she enjoys showing off her body. Her husband eats
this action up. She takes part in a wet t-shirt contest with some college kids,
and her husband can hardly wait to get his dick into her. For an encore she
invites the four college kids staying at the cottage next door in for some sex
in the jacuzzi. Same reaction from hubby. And they go further and further - in
hotels, with limo drivers, etc. Every time, the sex is hot; and the husband
gets his piece right afterwards. I doubt that this sort of thing really works
out all this well in real life, but it certainly is an interesting fantasy!
Grammar review! What's wrong with this sentence?
Always the perfect "lady," bordering on "prim and proper,"
I was looking forward to seeing my wife in the tiny bikinis
and revealing one-piece bathing suits she had purchased
for our trip.
Answer: It suggests that the narrator is part of a lesbian marriage. The
sentence begins with a misplaced modifier that gives this impression. A problem
with starting a story with bad grammar is that the policy is likely to beget
cynicism in the mind of the English teacher reviewing it. When the narrator
sees four college guys ogling his luscious wife who is sun bathing au naturel,
he describes it thus:
My cock had been rock hard for the hour, and now I
started to lightly caress it. I think it was only peer
pressure keeping the boys from doing the same.
There's nothing really all that bad about this sentence, but the reader who is
predisposed to think the author uses bad grammar is likely to say, "So what? A
little peer pressure on their cocks might feel pretty good under the
circumstances."
Having written those past few paragraphs, I can now justify this time as work
rather than recreation. I think I'll go get some recreation now.
Ratings for "Vacation Doesn't Count"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Ten Dollar Fine" or "You Ain't Never Gon' Forget" by Wollstonecraft
(an285729@anon.penet.fi). As the author says in the disclaimer, this is a
_very_ ugly story, but that's how the story wanted to be written. A budding
movie star named Mary Pickford had refused to pay a ten dollar fine in a small
southern town. She would just spend the next ten days in jail instead. To her
horror, she realizes that she is going to be raped. The sheriff sends into the
cell with her an unruly Black prisoner. Not wanting to get pregnant by him, she
tries to suck him dry, while the sheriff watches; but as soon as the blow job is
finished, the guy fucks her in the cunt as well. And then the story gets really
violent.
The author was right. This really is an ugly but well written story.
Ratings for "Ten Dollar Fine"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "The Fourth Ring" by Hunter Jackson (FDDH53D@prodigy.com). Sometimes when I
read these stories I talk back to the protagonists (inside my head, of course).
I say things like, if you have a wife with the hottest little ass and cunt in
town who is longing to be fucked but you're too dumb to notice it, you deserve
whatever happens to you. And if you're stupid enough to make a bet with a super
stud that he can't lay your wife - and if you do this not one but three times -
then you deserve to be relegated to a role in life of licking the cum out of her
cunt after she comes home late at night after fucking him. And if you're still
unwilling to admit defeat and demand proof, then you deserve to be stashed in
the bathroom while the two of them are fucking their brains out in the bedroom
right where you can see them. If you can't get a personality that would demand
a little attention from your wife, then you don't deserve her. Those are some
of the things that I might have said to myself while I read this story. The
title refers to how many times the phone would ring if the guy managed to really
stick it to the guy's wife.
Ratings for "The Fourth Ring"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Peach Pit After Hours" by Roger P. Tipe (rogrtipe@ix.netcom.com). Rocco and
his gang of thugs burst into the Peach Pit After Dark. Rocco puts a gun to
Brenda's head and tells Val to hand over all the money, or he'll blow Brenda's
brains out. Since Val doesn't like Brenda anyway, she replies , "Fuck you!"
Not really wanting a murder rap, Rocco changes tactics and announces that
instead of killing Brenda he and the guys are going to rape everyone unless Val
turns over the money. This is supposed to scare Val, but instead it turns her
on; and besides, she likes the feeling of power and control that Rocco has given
her over her sexy little friends.
So what we have here is a prolonged gang rape, with 30 or so scuzzy gang members
banging the Beverly whores. Val herself escapes relatively unscathed, but rumor
has it that she'll get hers in the sequel. I guess as gang-rape stories go this
was a pretty good one. I think if I were a 90210 fan I might have caught some
more of the allusions and enjoyed some inside comments that I might have missed.
Ratings for "Peach Pit After Hours"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Stars in Our Eyes" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). As you may recall, last
week Mark Aster's "Coffee?" was the 1000th story I reviewed. His prize was 31
days of sexual bliss with the partner(s) of his choice. This week he notified
me that he will be "on hiatus," unable to post stories for several weeks.
Coincidence? I think not!
In this week's episode Our Hero and the lovely and delectable Julie are
reclining together at a mountain campsite, looking at the stars and listening in
the dark while Ariana and Rachel make love nearby. Ariana is describing her
first sexual experience with a woman. Rachel is working her over even while she
narrates this story, and as Ariana's story and Rachel's ministrations continue,
the present events begin to impinge upon the narrative of the past. Meanwhile,
Our Hero and Julie are exchanging quiet intimacies nearby. It's a restful,
passionate sequence of events.
Several weeks ago I suggested that a different author "go check out Mark Aster's
stories" to learn how to make better word choices. That author's problem, I
thought, was that he/she used too many stereotypical adjectives. My suggestion
was that Mark Aster consistently refrained from using stereotypical adjectives
and often employed well-chosen metaphors in his stories. Last week I reviewed a
very good story by yet another author (M. M. Twassel); and when I checked his
Author Profile on Deja News, I discovered that he had written a commentary on my
advice regarding Mark Aster. This other author (who also admired Mark Aster's
stories) had done a thorough analysis of Aster's stories, and had discovered
that Mark did not use many adjectives at all. Nor did he find an abundance of
metaphors. Being busy, I set this information aside until I read this week's
story. As I read this story, I looked for adjectives and metaphors. I was
distracted by the fact that the story was extremely erotic and that I myself
have had some great experiences at campsites under the stars; but I think I
verified my opinion of this author's style - even though I must also admit that
my critic was correct.
The word "cock" does not appear in this story, and so we don't get to find out
whether it was hard, throbbing, or erstwhile. (I just wanted to see if that
last word was in my spellcheck.) The story was also free of "pussy", "cunt",
and "clit". At this point I was beginning to wonder if this was actually a sex
story.
Here are some things the author does say: "I touched Julie's neck, and my hand
imagined the warm compact sweetness of her vulva." "Julie took my hand in hers
and rubbed it over the downy skin of her stomach as we lay listening." "The warm
womanness of her filled my palm, and she pressed against my hand." "Julie opened
her mouth and wriggled her hips as I slid one finger into the moist heat of her
vagina."
One of the main points of my original comment was to discourage unnecessary,
stereotypical use of adjectives like "hot," "throbbing" and "wet." The few
sentences I have cited here demonstrate that. If he doesn't need an adjective,
this author doesn't use one. In addition, he selects words (adjectives or
otherwise) that precisely say what he wants them to say.
As for metaphors, here's a simple one: "Rachel's head was between Ariana's legs,
and her tongue made soft sounds as it moved in and out, and Rachel's fingers
danced a dance of love." All I mean is that fingers don't really dance, but the
image of dancing fingers conjures up an almost poetic image that gets the
author's point across very nicely.
To be honest, when I recommended this author's prose to the other author, what
went through my mind was something like this: "Mark Aster's such a damned good
writer. Surely he must use adjectives and metaphors correctly. I think I'll
recommend him for this purpose." As I have examined this present story more
carefully, I think I was on the right track. To state it more precisely, I
think this author's main strength is his intelligent choice of words and
straightforward description of situations and activities that beautifully convey
the mood that he wants to share with us.
Having tried to wiggle off that hook (note my metaphor), let me suggest another
author for aspiring writers to imitate: Mary Anne Mohanraj. I find her to be
very similar to Aster with regard to choice of words and almost poetic
expression of ideas; but she's a lot more diverse in the types of stories she's
likely to write.
Ratings for "Stars in Our Eyes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Wide Brown Eyes" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu). This is a
very good story - but it's not a really great SEX story. The plot does contain
sex, but it all occurs off-stage. The main focus of the story is on the
personality development of the central character, who reminisces about her past
while she does routine chores in the present and plans her future.
I once got in trouble from an intelligent but irate reader for leaving Mark
Aster's "Rocks" off my monthly Top 15 list. When I read that complaint, I
immediately checked my records. I had given the story straight 10's; my only
sin was in leaving it off the monthly list when there were plenty of other
stories that were at least equally good and more sexually explicit. Aster had
even apologized when sending the story to me, saying something like, "This isn't
really a sex story, but here it is anyway." There was no overt sex in it; just
personality development that made the adult activities of the Allen Sisters more
understandable. However, even though I stood by my decision to leave that story
off my monthly list, I had to agree with my correspondent. Serious readers
often find that complete, interesting details do much more than "just" fill in
background details. They make the full story sexier; and taken in their full
context, they can be pretty sexy themselves.
Many of Mary Anne Mohanraj's stories are similar. They are not really as
appropriate for this newsgroup as they would be for a more general forum.
There's no good reason that the present story has to be hidden away with other
under-the-counter material that might scandalize innocent eyes. This is a
simple, straightforward, good story that alludes to sexual activity. I was
happy to have an opportunity to review it because (1) it is a good story in its
own right and (2) reading it made me feel I knew this author a little better,
and I like that feeling.
As for details of the plot - I can't give you any. She tells it better than I
can, and too much information would ruin the plot for you. This is another good
story.
Ratings for "Wide Brown Eyes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Eyes of Satan" by Swoon Racers (IHYPNO@TIZ.EDU). When I first approached
this story. I thought it went a little too far. I am personally skeptical of
the notion that the ordinary college sophomore can go into the library, read a
book on hypnotism, and emerge as a genius hypnotist who is capable of making any
potential victim into his or her permanent sex slave. Now this story was
suggesting that a dog named Satan had the same kind of power - and the dog
didn't even have to read the book!
As I read the story, however, it won me over. Maybe I was hypnotized. What I
liked best about this story was the overall mood of relaxing seductiveness that
the author manages to convey through a combination of the language and the story
line.
Ratings for "The Eyes of Satan"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10