Celestial Reviews 196 - July 5, 1997
Note: Tomorrow will be the second anniversary of the first issue
of Celestial Reviews. Imagine that! Have one on me! That first
issue contained six reviews. I have learned a lot and have come a
long way since then. I have replaced TV watching with reading
stories from this newsgroup. Just for the fun of it, I am going
to repost my first two reviews - but I'll adapt them slightly to
my current rating system. If anyone has these two stories ("Bank"
by Deirdre and "Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas) I would appreciate
seeing them reposted.
The alt.sex.stories newsgroup has really changed since then. It
has become overwhelmed by people known as limp dicks, who post so
much spam that it is difficult to find the actual stories.
However, there are substantially more good stories now than there
used to be. I strongly recommend that both authors and readers
use alt.sex.stories.moderated to post and find stories. Eli the
Bearded has done an excellent job of eliminating the spam and
stockpiling stories on that newsgroup.
I'd also like to pay tribute to Ole Joe, whose "Alt.sex.stories -
A Subculture" is a wonderful compendium of information about the
authors and stories on this newsgroup.
About the time I post CR 200 I plan to issue a summary list of all
the stories I have reviewed. It is my understanding that there
are a couple of people that have archived my reviews at their web
sites, and several people archive stories. I'll bring you up to
date on all these web sites as soon as I can authenticate my data.
The combination of all this information should enable you to find
enough good reading material to exhaust all but the most
industrious perverts.
Second Note: I apologize for delays in posting some of these
reviews. The guest reviewers have helped greatly, and I
appreciate their assistance; but there are simply too many stories
to review. If you sent me a story and I have not yet reviewed it,
it's OK to send me a note to jar my memory.
Third Note: Someone called to my attention that I gave a Smith
rating instead of a Celeste rating to most of my regular reviews
in CR 194 and 195. It would be incorrect to assume that my name
is Celeste Smith or that Michael K. wrote all those reviews. It's
hard to explain how I make mistakes like that. I see two possible
explanations. One is that I spend so much time reading these
stories and writing these reviews that sometimes my husband starts
foreplay while I'm at the computer - and in some cases he even
includes me as part of that foreplay. This leeds to misstakees
that I sometimes fail to corrrect. The other possibility is that
the people from the Christian Coalition may have access to a demon
inside my computer or somewhere along the line in the Internet. I
think the latter is the more likely explanation, because I am
relly able to ignore my hisband when he trys to pull sometehing
cute.
The real explanation is that I used cut and paste incorrectly and
failed to notice the mistake.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my
reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Second Chance" by James Lawson (romance) 8, 7, 7
"Going Up?" by David (bar & elevator sex) 6, 7, 7
"Any Other Way" by L. Corvidae (D&s) 9, 7, 6
"Young and Nubile in London" by Unknown Author
(young girls) 5, 7, 7
"Correspondence" by Taria (the college experience)
10, 10, 10
"The Scheme" by Xpost (pedophile incest) 10, 10, 9
"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (hot sex in school closet)
10, 10, 10
"The Contest" by Scarlet Pimp(ernel) (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"No Tan Lines" by Unknown Author (coworker sex)
10, 10, 10
"Hell Hath No Fury" by Darkside (science fiction) 10, 10, 10
"Mariya" by Luis Woolsbury (touching romance) 10, 10, 10
"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (hot sex in school closet)
10, 10, 10
"Showoff" by Sexy Brunette (exhibitionism)
"Through the Looking Glass" by Taria (alternate universes)
Reposted Reviews (because the stories have recently been
reposted):
* "Unwrap Party" by Jordan Shelbourne (jealousy &
romance) 10, 10, 10
* "Bank" by Deirdre (mind control)
* "Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas (emerging adolescence)
10, 10, 10
"Second Chance" by James Lawson (jdlawson@cybrtyme.com). The
woman has been kept as a sex slave by a man who was interested
mostly in humiliating her for his own pleasure. When the house
burns down with him in it, she gains her freedom (a nice touch,
since I am reviewing this on Independence Day). A virtuous man
finds her; they fall in love and get married; and they live
happily ever after. This is a nice idea for a plot, but there's
really not much more to this story than what I have stated in this
summary.
Ratings for "Second Chance"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Going Up?" by David (david@innercite.com). I have never actually
had sex on an elevator - at least not if having sex means full
vaginal penetration with ejaculation inside the body of one of the
participants. My non-participation has something to do with my
awareness that elevators tend to have hidden cameras and other
security devices and that one can get arrested for indecent
expossure in this country. However, elevator sex is among my
favorite fantasies. This fantasy started several years ago -
around our tenth anniversary, in fact - when my husband decided to
tease me in an elevator. We were already packed like sardines -
nobody talking to anybody else - when this young chick with huge
breasts and a tight ass and almost no bathing suit got into the
elevator with her boyfriend. They were obviously very hot for
each other, and they started to kiss passionately while everyone
else pretended not to notice. I felt a hand fondling my
asscheeks, and I realized (and verified) that it was my husband's.
Like I said, he was teasing me, and so I decided to call his
bluff. Without letting anyone else notice, I unzipped his fly;
and to make a long story short, he got a lot further around the
base paths than the guy with Miss Asscheeks. I didn't swallow, of
course; but I did lick - very discreetly - my hand, that is.
Well, that was the start. I soon discovered that I could tell by
sniffing whether a person on an elevator had recently had sex - I
could do this even without bending or going anywhere near the
person's crotch. This led to interesting fantasies. Reversing
this process, I also realized that other people could probably
suspect when I was in heat, and this led to other fantasies. But
since I am supposed to be reviewing this story, I had better stop
here. I am not even going to mention that elevator sex has its
ups and downs.
Anyway, this is a story about a guy who picks up a sexy lady in
the hotel bar and then they go for a ride on the elevator and
engage in various sexual activities. The grammar is a bit
distracting, but it's otherwise a pretty good story - though not
as good as some of my actual accomplishments and nowhere close to
some of my fantasies.
Grammar note: Take a look at this sentence: "I watched her over
the top of my book slowly sipping the last of my beer as she
selected an isolated stool at the end of the bar." The way it's
written, I think this sentence means that the guy looked over the
top of his book and saw this lady sipping the last of his beer as
she selected an isolated stool at the end of the bar. The author
should have said, "As I watched her over the top of my book while
I slowly sipped the last of my beer, she selected an isolated
stool at the end of the bar." I dunno; maybe I'm being picky. I
think it's because my elevator story would have been better than
this one.
Ratings for "Going Up?"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Any Other Way" by L. Corvidae (corvidae1@aol.com). Asslinn has
been in love with Jake since the time she approached him four
months ago in the juice bar of the health club, but so far their
relationship has been pure and chaste. Asslinn had been molested
as a child and had experienced some other problems growing up, and
she has had a problem relating to men. But Jake is understanding,
and they eventually make tender love.
No, that last sentence would make sense. Jake is understanding,
but instead of making tender love to him, Asslinn ties him spread
eagle and tortures him for her personal gratification. Actually,
abused women do have dysfunctional relationships like this; and so
the story is somewhat realistic. The problem is that the story
does not give enough details to get across the full impact - that
is, it doesn't really explain why a young woman would act in this
warped manner or what impact her actions had on her or her lover.
Ratings for "Any Other Way"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Young and Nubile in London" by Unknown Author (THC Archive). The
narrator likes girls who look young. Anne could pass for 13 or
14, but she's actually well past 16. She has almost no breasts
but very nice nipples. The author describes here nether regions
with this awkward sentence: "Her slit was as smooth as silk I
couldn't resist feeling myself while I turned my attention to her
neat, tiny bottom." It's sentences like this that give a bad name
to dirty old men! First, there should be a period after "silk."
Then there should be an "it" before "myself." As it is now
written, the second sentence says that they guy fondled his own
balls while he looked at her ass.
Actually, if the guy likes girls that look so young, maybe he's
only 12 or 13 himself. Maybe this is pretty good language for a
young, nubile, sexed-out British schoolboy.
Ratings for "Young and Nubile in London"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"The Scheme" by Xpost (xpost@hotmail.com). This could be regarded
as a grown-up version of the previous story. Tracey will turn 13
in two weeks. Her father believes that a girl is at her ripest,
her most perfect, at age 13. "You need to pop her cherry then," he
says, "when she's right at the edge of innocence, so she learns
how to fuck, how to really get into it." He adds, "I'm going to
break our baby in. I'm going to make sure she turns out a perfect
little slut. That sweet little body is made for all sorts of sex."
At this point - assuming this conversation is occurring on an
American TV talk show - about half the audience applauds while the
other half boos. Some guys in the back start barking, and after a
pause for a commercial Tracey herself comes out onto the stage and
sits between her mother and father. Amidst more booing and
barking, the host says to the parents, "What are you - some kind
of fucking idiots?" The mother will reply, "Nah! I never thought
he really meant it. I thought those were just things he said
while he was fucking me doggie style and beating me with the
riding crop - you know, trying to turn me on so that I'd have a
really great orgasm."
Then the husband will make a threatening move toward the wife, but
the husky security guards will intervene, while he shouts, "Duh!
What's good enough for my pappy is good enough for me! If this
bothered Tracey, why wouldn't she just say so. After all, you
keep her bound and gagged right next to the bed while her brother
and I fuck your brains out every night after we feed the
chickens." The camera will flash to a nun in the audience, who is
shaking her head sadly while the man next to her seems to be
masturbating with one hand while he barks and waves his other hand
in a fist over his head.
Actually, I made up everything after the initial quotation in the
first paragraph of this review. What the wife really does is
this: she goes to a doctor and tells him in strictest confidence
what he husband is planning to do. The doctor is an honorable man
- so are they all, all honorable men. He says to her, "First cut
the bastard's dick off, then blow his brains out with a shotgun.
I'll get you a good lawyer, and with therapy you'll get over this
asshole. Give your daughter a chance to avoid a life like your
own."
Well, I lied again. Even though I know (because a nun once told
me so) that two wrongs don't make a right, there's something about
depravity that brings out my mendacity. I just can't bring myself
to tell you exactly what happens in this story. Either of my
scenarios would be plausible. This family could make a mint on
American TV talk shows.
Ratings for "The Scheme"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Correspondence" by Taria (Taria29c@aol.com). Tari has gone away
to college, and so has her friend Kathy. These letters from Tari
to Kathy summarize her sexual growth during her college years.
If you have ever read someone else's personal letters, you know
how interesting (or how boring!) this can be. The letters are
more interesting if the writer is spontaneous and honest, and
those words describe Tari in this story. There's really not much
else I can tell you about this story, except that I think you'll
enjoy it. I know I did.
At first I found this story to be a "difficult read," because the
style was jerky and there were some punctuation problems; but then
I realized that the author was trying to imitate the style of an
undergrad who was hurriedly writing her private thoughts to her
best friend. After the first two letters, I got used to the style
and enjoyed the rest of the story immensely.
Ratings for "Correspondence"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (mrm1ke@aol.com). Like this
author's stories themselves, my reviews of them should be read out
loud, or at least very loudly in silence, in order to get full
impact from them. With that in mind, I ask you, which would be a
more clever title "Fucking Celeste by Mike Hunt" or "Fucking Mike
Hunt by Celeste"?
The title is deliberately ambiguous. My Unabridged Random House
dictionary gives the accurate definition of the first word of the
title, which would properly be paraphrased as the mumbled phrase
"Confounded Celeste!" This title takes on a second meaning when
Mike visits his nephew's teacher and is forced into a compromising
position that cannot be resolved without full vaginal penetration
of a person alleged to be Yours Truly. As if that pun is not
enough, the author adduces a theory that the Blowjob Principle is
a misspelling for an activity that Celeste performs for the person
who administers her school.
This is a very good story, but the disclaimer is not as creative
as some that I have seen. In addition, I should point out that
Mike has been spearheading <g> an attempt to improve my system of
guest reviewers. {This may sound like matter for a "note," but
stay with me on this one.} Mike's fundamental assertion is that
he feels the authors should use their regular pseudonyms when
writing their guest reviews, because this will enable both readers
and the persons whose stories are being reviewed to make better
use of any criticism contained in the reviews. Mike's point is
well taken, and I have adopted a policy of allowing authors to
stick with their regular names if they insist, even though I
continue to advise an "alternate pseudonym."
My reason for advising this practice is that I seriously believe
that using the same name would _for many authors_ cause
undesirable pressures that would weaken either their reviews or
their stories.
Indeed, I'm not sure how much can be gained by knowing that So-
and-So is the author of both a specific story and a specific
review. As someone else has pointed out to me, it is by no means
true that the best authors are likely to be the best reviewers.
Authors tend to be specialists who are intensely involved in an
area of expertise, whereas reviewing requires a more generalized
interest or expertise and an ability to look at a story more
objectively. {As I said, stay with me.... There's a punchline
coming up.} I'll grant that some people can be both good
reviewers and good authors, but I wouldn't count on it; and I
think that for many of us the absence of anonymity would reduce
our objectivity. I think it makes more sense to look at, say,
Piper's reviews for several weeks and to form an opinion about
his/her insight than to start from the assumption that because
Piper writes good stories his/her reviews must be good.
Let me use myself as an example. I think I write good reviews,
and I think I am CAPABLE of writing good stories. I have posted
only one story ("Virtuous Reality"), and I really felt
uncomfortable doing so. I had such thoughts as these: How can I
expect people to continue listening to my advice when I am
probably going to screw this story up? Won't people be extremely
harsh in evaluating my story, since I have been critical of so
many stories myself? Won't people have less respect for my
reviews if my story really sucks? Etc. I guess I could "just get
over it," but these were real concerns to me, and I think numerous
other potential reviewers would have similar reactions. This is
why I recommend the alternate pseudonym.
Of course, it should be obvious to you that I could solve this
problem simply by posting my stories under a different name.
Indeed, perhaps I have already done so! One correspondent has
suggested that the anonymity of AOL would make it possible for
Danielle Steele to act out her fantasies by pretending to be an
English teacher who writes reviews for this newsgroup. How can
anyone really prove this is not the case? Well, actually Danielle
does not write or think very much like me. Who does? There's
only one person that I can think of.
The only reasonable answer is that I am really Mike Hunt. {In
case you missed it, the previous sentence was the punchline.}
Think about it. On a.s.s.d. I was recently accused of having a
sophomoric sense of humor. What more need I say? I have just
reviewed a story by Mike Hunt entitled "Fucking Celeste" in which
Mike Hunt is pressed up against a sexy teacher in a closet at the
Sadley Virgin School. Hmmm.... Maybe I have overstated the case a
little. As I said earlier in this review, I can write better puns
than those. But if I were Mike Hunt or were Mike Hunt I, then
this story could be entitled "Fucking Myself!" That's the sort of
humor that both Mike and I would be proud of.
Here's further evidence - I claim that both my husband and I are
heterosexual and monogamous, but I admit that my husband regularly
fucks my cunt. {Get it? Mike Hunt - my cunt! See the pattern
yet?}
And besides, I can't be Plainman, because he writes much better
than either Mike or I.
Here are two of my favorite excerpts from the story:
"I lowered my fly and withdrew my cock. Sticking straight out, it
made closing the door impossible." {Ouch! He must have really
wanted to keep that door open!}
"He {the nephew who has been boinking the girl in the supply
closet} needs a little help. His technique is very amateurish."
{It would have been more fun to say "His technique is ALSO very
amateurish." You have to read this in context, I guess; but the
ALSO would be intended to mean that both the kid's technique and
his knowledge were amateurish or that both the kid's and Mike's
techniques were amateurish. In fact, this line PROVES that this
story is a fraud. The real Celeste would never miss an
opportunity for an enigmatic provocation of Mike Hunt.}
All goofy remarks aside, this is another very good story. I
appreciate the tribute and accept it in the spirit in which it was
intended.
Fucking Mike Hunt! Indeed.
Ratings for "Fucking Celeste"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Contest" by Scarlet Pimp(ernel). The main thread in this
parody of the NBC sitcom "Friends" is that the girls are staging a
beauty contest to make the guys judge which of them has the nicest
body. In addition, numerous subplots crisscross throughout the
story. The characters stay in character - that is, they act in
the sack just about the way we'd expect them to; and the action is
generally sexy as well as humorous. As the girls engage in
subversive activities to obtain the guys' votes, we learn
interesting details - for example, Ross was Monica's first blowjob
(when they were kids in the tub together). This is a very good
story.
Ratings for "The Contest"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following guest review is written by BluePencil. I am not
going to tell you whether he/she is a frequent author on this
newsgroup. He's just a good reviewer.
"No Tan Lines" by Unknown Author (THC Repost). Daydreaming about a
coworker is fairly common. Most of us have probably done it at
some time. For most of us, it ends there; the attraction may not
be mutual, we may already be in a relationship, or we may fear
that the consequences if we've made a misjudgment.
Our nameless narrator feels all these things. Though he has been
attracted to Anna since they started working together, he has kept
himself under control. Until the day, with both their spouses out
of town on business trips, Anna catches him staring at her
longingly. He turns red. She turns red. They both attempt to
apologize. And within a couple of paragraphs he makes the titular
discovery.
The first time appears accidental. But when she invites him to
work at her house the next day, he discovers that she is still
lonely, how she avoids tan lines, that she enjoys anal sex - and
that she has timed things such that she takes her husband's daily
phone call as things work out well in the end. (Yes, I am proud
of that last sentence)
I was particularly impressed that the author managed to carry it
off with a minimum of physical descriptions - something of a
rarity in the genre. No improbable physical endowments or
superhuman performances here: we learn that Anna is tall, lean,
and blonde, but we never learn her bust, dress, or shoe size. Our
narrator is male, but we never learn his name or appearance. And
though the story is both physical or graphic, all we ever learn
about his penis is that he has one, and it functions normally; we
never learn that it is above average in length, unusually thick,
or even "magnificent" (definitely a rarity in the genre!).
A well-written, literate, and very hot story.
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot and character): 9
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 9
The following guest review has been submitted by Green Onions, who
has posted several stories on this newsgroup.
"Hell Hath No Fury" [novella] by Darkside. A driver has a flat
tire on a lonely road. Spare to change? Sorry, none in the trunk.
Night falls on the man without a plan.
The stars blink brightly in the clear black sky as his chances of
surviving begin to flicker out. Snow appears. Lost and alone, he
waits for the end of his life in the white darkness.
And yet when all optimism seems to have faded into the freezing
wilderness there emerges (from behind a hidden chorus of weeping
violins) a vision of hope that flies gracefully across the horizon
of his dimming consciousness, singing its mystical song, ready to
deftly snatch the hapless wayfarer from the drooling unflossed
Jaws of Death.
Is it a bird? A plane? An optical illusion? No--it's Florence
Nightingale: _after_ she graduated from medical school.
And so not a moment too soon is the Grim Reaper's task interrupted
by the talents of a skilled, sensitive, tall, brilliant, blue-
eyed, lithe busty rich young female physician with near-perfect
abs.
She first asks the nurse to check his insurance. Then she saves
his life.
And so the dream continues. They fall for each other; he proposes
to her. Their engagement progresses like clockwork to the final
misty moment as family, friends, and myriad onlookers gather to
witness the anticipated instant when he will place the golden ring
of their sacred unity upon her willing finger.
It seems that all is right with the world. Surely they will love
out their lives in an era of peace, happiness, hot sex, low taxes,
and white picket fences.
Well, as one of Douglas Adam's characters once said in _The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_: "Sorry, wrong universe!"
As the sun beats down on the expectant crowd he explains that he
does not love her and cannot marry her. Her parents are glaring
hatefully, she is sobbing pitifully and he is shrugging
philosophically. Better luck next time.
Or better sense, perhaps. Because the Doctor was a dream and he
needs someone real. Not a vision but a spouse. Not a fantasy, but
flesh and soul. And after two long years he finds and marries her
with little hesitation. The second time is indeed the charm--even
if her stomach isn't quite as flat, she is still young and
attractive, affectionate, smart, tall and slim.
But what of his first love, of the brilliant blue-eyed shapely
svelte angel of the steel table who had saved his life, savored
his love, and was jilted--indeed brutally humiliated--in front of
her friends and family?
Hell, if you thought biblical characters tend to suffer more than
others for spurning the affections of the smooth-faced gender,
read this story and think again!
And what could be a more fitting punishment for an ungrateful
insensitive, thoughtless and callously cruel male jerk than to be
forced to suffer the indignities of _becoming_ a woman? His fate
will not be limited to the experience of being in a female body,
but will also include the transformation of his mind.
Yes, She will have her way with him. She will make his dream into
her nightmare. And in more than one respect.
This is not an ordinary TG (trans-gender) piece, nor is it a
classic sex story or a typical tale of revenge, mystery--yes there
is a murder--cumuppance (gee, did I misspell that?), or even an
ironic, slightly humorous psychological sci-fi erotic thriller.
It's all of those bound together with a tight plot and topped off
with a tempting smorgasbord of diverse sexual blandishments.
In case you thought I might be blowing my load prematurely, I
should also point out that this piece could be even better if the
author diverged from some typical tendencies of erotica and
romance writers (including most a.s.s. contributors). For starters
I might occasionally prefer to see characters in longer stories
developed with a third dimension--the sorts of accents, nuances,
habits, hobbies, mannerisms, peculiarities and idiosyncrasies that
we typically observe in real people. Such details can often be
worked into plots with little effort.
While Darkside's prose is better than most, I also sometimes wish
a.s.s. writers would pause more often to allow their readers to
"smell the roses" (or hear the cadences) of their phrases and the
rhythm of their sentences. Words can do more than convey
information.
And although I am often at odds with the well-worshipped deity who
is hosting this review, she and I agree on one thing: maybe there
is room for protagonists whose bodies are not quite so heavenly.
If one goal of erotica is to help us appreciate love and
sexuality, then perhaps a.s.s. authors could provide us with a few
(especially female) characters now and then who just happen to
fall short of certain popular physical ideals.
Yet I quibble . . . this is an _excellent_ novella. Read it.
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Green Onions (appeal to reviewer): 10
The following guest review is written by Figment, who recently
posted a story on this newsgroup.
"Mariya" by Luis Woolsbury (Luis_Woolsbury@hotmail.com). This is
not a "sex story" per se. That is, if you want to read a lot of
dirty words, don't go here. "Mariya" touches the heart more than
any other part of the body.
The narrator is a thirtysomething professional who finds himself
falling for a girl who rides his bus. The girl, Mariya, is young -
she's in junior high or high school (the narrator doesn't ask, and
he isn't good at guessing ages), and she's an immigrant from
Belarus. She leads a sheltered life until the narrator takes her
under his wing. He takes her out for lunch; he takes her to a
movie; he takes her shopping for clothes her mother can't afford;
and finally, he takes her virginity.
I won't say more about the plot - you should read the story for
it. "Mariya" is an impressive work of fiction. It actually evokes
emotion. Again, though, don't read it if you just want something
to masturbate to. There's a very sad undertone to the whole story;
the author sets it up from the beginning, when the narrator first
sees Mariya waiting for the bus in the gloomy weather. The
narrator seems to really regret what happens between him and
Mariya - not because making love to a girl so young is wrong by
society's standards; but because the two of them genuinely do love
one another, and it's apparent from square one that Mariya's age
(and her ethnicity) will prevent the couple from living happily
ever after.
This story is sad, but it isn't depressing - merely touching. The
sex *is* well-written - it's very realistic; and you don't feel
like you're reading your typical nasty-pedophile-fucks-little-
girl-and-she-likes-it story. In fact, you don't feel like you're
reading anything "wrong." The way the author has set the story
up, you understand why the narrator is having sex with Mariya;
only the most hardcore Christian Coalitionist would label the
narrator a pervert. Anyone else'd just say he was in love.
Technical Quality: 10
Plot & Character: 10
Appeal to Reviewer: 10
The following review was written by Friar Dave, who has posted
many stories to this newsgroup.
"Showoff" by Sexy Brunette (virtualdrg@aol.com). This is a story
that is redeemed by its flaws. While the spelling is generally
fine, the punctuation underscores the voice of the writer: This is
an exhibitionist who has decided to extend her particular thrill
into text, letting us hear her enjoyment, in lieu of seeing it.
"I swear, I can almost come just knowing that someone is watching
me," it begins, and the story goes on to start with a sampling of
her flashing at the age of "12 or 13," a description of how she
escalated into blatant exhibitionism -- masturbating for her
brother in order to deflect his threat to tell their folks -- and
a few tidbits of her more recent, adult escapades.
It should have been incredibly arousing; here is what sounds
genuinely like a real woman describing being naughty. But it
wasn't, and that's because she never tells us how SHE feels --
only the effect she has on others.
And, too, there is an inherent cruelty in what she does, flashing
the lawn boy, the delivery boy, a nephew. She enjoys arousing them
to the point where they have to "leave the room," presumably to
choke the chicken, but she never delivers one-on-one touching,
hugging pleasures to them. She indulges herself at the expense of
the watchers, who never asked her to tease them.
(A note: Those who knew me from WCFF know I tend to be gently
unforgiving in my ratings and always eager to help folks express
themselves. The same criteria apply in The Abby -- a part of a no-
charge BBS -- and here.)
Because of my proclivities toward the consensual and the caring,
this story left me cold, On a scale of <F> (only for fans of the
genre) to (the very best, exceeded only by the vanishingly rare
<!> rating) SHOWOFF gets a <C>. The wooden, methodicalness (Is
that a word?) of the writing, the lack of passion in the telling,
the reluctance -- even recalcitrance -- of the writer to tell us
as much about her feelings as she will show us of her body put me
off. You may enjoy the story immensely; I did not.
That said, I would encourage "Sexy Brunette" to keep writing. The
authenticity of her voice comes through wonderfully. But please,
PLEASE, SB. tell us what YOU feel.
And -- by the way -- where were you when I was a teenager and
desperately needed you?
The following review was written by Fiddler, a reviewer whose
hidden identity is particularly galling to Mike Hunt but perfectly
OK as far as my cunt is concerned. {One of the bracketed comments
at the end of this review is apocryphal.}
"Fucking Celeste" by Mike Hunt (mrm1ke@aol.com). This story has
two Mike Hunts. M1ke Hunt is an author who complains about
"fucking Celeste" because he thinks her reviews have been
insufficiently laudatory. He fears that she might even assign his
next story to a guest reviewer. To work off his frustration, he
writes a story about a character named Mike Hunt who visits his
nephew's teacher in lieu of the boy's mother who has been
unavoidably delayed.
Since the identity of the teacher was telegraphed in the title,
I'll let you read the story to find how Mike gets from the present
participle to the gerund. You definitely should read it. If you
are already a M*ke Hunt fan, you'll be pleased that he no longer
uses those weird high-ascii marks.
He should learn, however, that the Bureau of Labor Statistics
collects unemployment data from the Current Population Survey of
households, rather than from unemployment insurance records.
{Good Point! - Celeste; Fucking Fiddler - Mike Hunt.}
Athena: 10
Venus: 10
Fiddler: 10
The following guest review was written by Mat Twassel.
"Through the Looking Glass" by Taria. I'm a connoisseur of
neither qvantum physics nor comic books -- consequently I may not
be especially well qualified to review Taria's "Through the
Looking Glass."
One of the things this story does is pose the question: What would
it be like to encounter someone exactly the same as oneself...
except of the opposite sex? Farce shouldn't necessarily preclude
an enlightening exploration of this issue, but to a great degree
that's what happens here. Sometimes Taria can write like the
Dickens; in "Through the Looking Glass" she squanders her material
for the sake of some good laughs and hot easy sex.
What we have here is an Evil Being squeezing some universes
together, universes identical except that each male being in
universe A is a female being in universe B and each female being
in universe A is male in universe B. What happens when A and B
get squeezed together? You probably guessed it. Fuck city.
Meanwhile, a middle-aged German scientist is up on the roof of a
midtown brownstone madly tinkering with a device which might
forestall the mayhem, and he's got a couple of truly loony
bodybuilder-type superhero pals to keep him company. These
superheroes are totally incompetent at everything, but they do
give the Doc license to explain (in layman's terms, so to speak)
the plot. Other heroes are busy in the skies above battling the
forces of the Evil Being, though the ordinary earthlings don't
much notice this--they're too occupied exploring their newly found
identical opposites.
Tara felt Marc's cock jostle about within her as he
spread his legs where he stood and bent forward. And
then he cried out in pain for a moment and began to
press forward, pushed against her as Terry pushed his
cock deeper and deeper into Marc's ass. Tara felt their
combined weight pushing her back further against the
bed, felt Marc's cock drive deeper into her than ever
before, filling her completely as Terry filled him.
Tara cried out, the sound muffled by Marcia's pussy on
her face as she heard Marc begin to groan, a sound of
passion and intensity she had scarcely ever heard from
his lips. "I love you," she heard Terry say in her
voice, "and I love making love to you," and she could
feel it as Marc found a slow rhythm that allowed him
to match his thrusts to Terry's and fuck her as Terry
fucked HIM and she tried to match that with the tempo
of her licking of Marcia and she reached her hand back
and managed to insert her index finger into Marcia's
opening while she tongued her clit and then she
moistened her thumb in Marcia's pussy and slowly
entered Marcia's asshole with it and rubbed her
perineum from the inside between her thumb and
forefinger and Marcia began to buck on top
of her face as Tara's own passion washed over her in
waves from Terry and Marc's fucking--
Taria's writing is mostly relentless, occasionally madcap, and
sometimes long-winded: It's too bad that the cement mixer of oddly
serious cartoon sex must flatten whatever personalities Taria
attempted to stuff into her characters earlier on. Mid-orgy, it's
a problem keeping some members of the cast straight. Maybe that
was the point. Or maybe it's part parody. But my problem is I
don't really care very much who is fucking whom or how or why or
whether the universes are going to end with bangs or a whimpers or
both.
Too bad, too, that the scientist's loony rooftop pals never get it
on. That might have been more fun. Well, while the German Doc
twiddled some screws he did maintain his humor:
The Doctor removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge
of his nose, shutting his eyes as if he had a severe
migraine.
"No matter," he said, turning back to his work. "It is
happenink, all ze same. I vish I had ze time to study zis
phenomenon fully, to see chust vhat really happens vhen
analogues interact consciously vith each other." He
fetched up a phillips-head screwdriver and began
manipulating his construct with it. "Ach. But zen
if my Grandmuzzer had vheels, she'd haff been a
trolley-car." He chuckled at the joke, and returned
his full concentration to the urgent tasks at hand.
I do enjoy Doc, but I might have liked him even more had he'd
changed the joke:
"But zen if my Grandmuzzer had veals, she'd haff been a
cow."
Finally, I've got to agree with Doc: I would have enjoyed this
story more had I been able to see chust what really happens vhen
analogues interact...
... and then suddenly it was over and Marc collapsed
on top of her where she lay among the scattered
pillows on the bed and there was no one else in the
room and they lay there with his cum dripping
out of her and the blue VCR clock blinking
"12:00...12:00...12:00..." and then all was still.
A wonderfully descriptive moment in a rollicking, sometimes funny,
sometimes dull, generally overblown and curiously undernourished
tale...
--Note to Taria:
Now if I were your writing conscience, I'd whisper, "Taria, what
if you ended the story with that blinking VCR? What if you
started it with you main character waking up from that strange
sexy dream, and a raging storm outside, and the body next to her
that turns out not (for the moment, at least) to be her husband
but to be herself as a man? Forget about the Evil Being and the
Superhero clowns and the scientist on the roof and that silly
other couple upstairs. Concentrate on this person, let me get
inside her, and leave the how and why and everything else of it up
in the air."
* "Unwrap Party" by Jordan Shelbourne (johnmc@mks.com). Sarah is
jealous because Richard is flirting with Crista at the party; and
so she takes up with Ben in order to make Richard reciprocally
jealous. The author does an excellent job of examining the
feelings of Ben and Sarah without being the least bit boring. As
the story evolves, it becomes obvious that Sarah's and Ben's
affection for each other is genuine and also that Sarah has a
major problem with feelings of inadequacy. She is preoccupied
with having an orgasm, and these very thoughts interfere with her
big bang.
This is an outstanding story. The author has a way of describing
extremely hot sex so that the reader can almost feel it happening,
and he shows a real understanding of emotions. I am definitely
going to watch for more stories by this author.
Ratings for "Unwrap Party"
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Bank" by Deirdre. {I am reposting this review as part of my
Second Anniversary Celebration.} My word processor tells me that
this story was only 830 words long, but with those few words the
author did a really nice job of creating a mood. What's best
about the story is that Deirdre shows excellent restraint: she
creates a mood and tells us this story without going overboard and
trying to make more of the incident than there really was to it.
Other writers would be tempted to work in some four-letter words
and at least a couple of orgasms and to follow the formula for a
good sex story; but Deirdre just relates this anecdote in a way
that made me think of comparable things that had happened to me
during my own early adolescence.
Ratings for "Bank"
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Mother and Son" by Ann Douglas. {I am reposting this review as
part of my Second Anniversary Celebration.} Perhaps its my
background as an educator, but I'm normally repulsed by stories
about incest. The basic problem is that once you set aside the
fantasy, in real life the adult is almost always engaging in some
sort of gratification at the expense of someone he or she should
be caring for. We get upset at the clergy and teachers who molest
children, but then we're supposed to consider it to be titillating
when we read a story about mom teaching her son "what it's like to
be a man." That's how I usually react, but this story surprised
me. It's about a mother who comes home early and sees her son
getting head from a boy whom she doesn't know. She tries to
respect his privacy, but she becomes aware that the son is likely
to take the plunge into a homosexual lifestyle that may not be
appropriate for him. As the only reasonable solution she can
think of, the mother herself engages in loving sex with her son.
The story ends with... no - you'll have to find that out for
yourself. What won me over was the objective, non-moralizing
aspects of the story. The author wasn't suggesting that every
mother should screw her son; but she showed that this was an
unusual situation. Nor was she suggesting that it would be awful
if her son would adopt a homosexual lifestyle. The mother just
didn't want her son to make that choice without thinking about the
alternatives.
The story reminded me of the movie Summer of 42, in which a wife
loses her husband in the War and then makes tender love to a
neighbor boy. When we saw that movie, my husband and I discussed
the ethics of an older woman seducing a younger boy - when the boy
obviously loved ever second of it. We eventually decided it was
just a pretty good movie and that we didn't need to pass moral
judgment on it. This was just a pretty good story.
Ratings for "Mother and Son"
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
Grammar Tip of the Week: FREQUENTLY MISUSED WORDS. These words
are misused so often that their misuse has almost become
acceptable. Still, even if most people are willing to accept
imperfect expression, why not speak and write correctly? The
original meanings of these words are worth preserving, and
occasionally you will meet someone who DOES care.
HOPEFULLY means "with hope." It does not mean "I hope" or "Let's
hope." The following example is correct:
My husband hopefully suggested that now would be a good
time to take ole one-eye to the optometrist.
The following are incorrect:
Hopefully she'll be able to work both of us into her
schedule tonight.
She'll hopefully let me punch her ticket after the dance
tonight.
DUE TO is not considered to be a proper synonym for "because of."
Most people will let this slide, but the general rule is that DUE
TO is acceptable after a form of the verb "be." Otherwise the
usage may be questionable. These two examples are correct:
Her twelve-minute orgasm was probably due to the size
of his cock and the skill with which he wielded it.
The hardness of her nipples was due as much to the cold
weather as to her arousal.
The following examples are INcorrect:
Due to her exam schedule, the teacher was not available
to play hide the salami with me last night.
Due to her husband's encouragement, the woman became
enthusiastic about the proposed menage a trois.
The borderline cases occur when we take the correct examples and
reword them slightly.
Due to the size of his cock and the skill with which he
wielded it, she has a twelve-minute orgasm.
Due as much to the cold weather as to her arousal, her
nipples became hard.
In these cases, most people would accept DUE TO, but many purists
find this usage to be annoying. Your best bet is simply to say
BECAUSE OF....
FARTHER refers to additional distance. FURTHER refers to
additional time, amount, or other abstractions besides distance.
He pushed his cock FARTHER into her canal than anyone
had ever gone before.
She refused to discuss the idea of anal intercourse any
FURTHER, unless he would let her inject a large dildo
between his asscheeks.
This distinction is often blurred in common usage. In addition,
these words should not be confused with FATHER (a parent) or
FARTER (a person engaging in flatulence).