Celestial Reviews 187 - June 4, 1997
Note: The deadline for the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest has
come and gone. Actually, the Third Annual contest took place last year;
and so the present contest is either the Fourth Annual Contest or the
Second Third Annual Contest. I posted the list of stories received for
this contest in CR 186, but somehow that posting got delayed, and so I
am reposting CR 186, reposting the list of stories in this issue (with
several additions that have arrived since I wrote that issue), and
extending the deadline slightly. So if you have a sex story of 500
words or less, you can submit it by June 7 and still be eligible for the
honors inherent in winning this prestigious prize.
Here is the list of stories I THINK I have received for this contest. I
would appreciate it if people who have submitted stories would check the
list below to make sure I have their entries correctly listed. Sometimes
stories have not been labeled clearly, and sometimes I just plain get
confused. Note that in order for a story to be considered a contest
entry, the author him/herself must submit it and state that it is for
the contest. An example of an unacceptable entry would be a repost of
one of Deirdre's short stories without her permission or a story that
appears on a.s.s. or a.s.s.m. that happens to be under the size limit.
For example, an author recently posted a humorous anecdote that would
have fallen within the word limit but was not labeled as an entry for
the contest. Likewise, the following story will not be accepted as an
entry, even though it is less {actually, fewer} than 500 words: "I need
a big stiff dick inside of me! Please cum to my site and shoot your wad
all over my face! I've got lots of HOT pics for you to see! Get some
hand loti and get ready to blow!!" If an author wants to be in this
contest, he/she has to tell me so. In order to avoid mistakes, I am
listing here (in general alphabetical order) all the stories that I
THINK have been submitted for this contest.
"Am I Only Dreaming?" by Paddy Toute
"B----'s Lover" by Eli-the-Bearded
"Bees" by Mat Twassel
"Civility" by Mark Aster
"Confessions of Lust" by Anon747
"Daisy" by John Thomas
"Dune What Comes Naturally" by Jeanette Brennan
"Foodie" by Plainman
"The Game" by Michael Ellis
"The Harpooner" by MrSpraycan
"The Houseguest" by DG
"If." by Mary's Brother
"In Your Own Sweet Way" by Walter Caulder
"Listening to the Neighbors" by Renae Nicks
"My Trusted Friend" by BronwenSM
"The Phone Call" by Gregarious
"Playing Pool" by BronwenSM
"Poe" by Seurat
"Ships that Parse in the Night" by John Thomas
"Spaced Out" by John Thomas
"What Choice? by Mal
"Windmill Saga" by Robert Brennan
"Yardstick" by John Thomas
Three entries by Mike Hunt
Five stories by Tom Bombadil
"Teasers" by Vickie Tern (several eligible entries)
"Twist" by Seurat (several eligible entries)
Stephanie {the winner of my first two "annual" contests} has promised me
an entry but has not yet submitted it.
If you think stories should be added to or deleted from this list,
please contact me. In the next issue I'll post a list of all the
entries, and the authors should repost their stories. Readers who wish
to do so will be encouraged to send the input to me or to comment
through a.s.s.d. I'll allow myself to be influenced by this discussion,
but the final decision will be mine.
Second Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my
reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Cape and Cowl" by Ann Douglas (ff bat sex) 10, 10, 10
"Photos" by Luc7557 (enforced voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
"Three Wishes" by Sandman (magical breast growth) 10, 9, 9
"Hot! International! Gay!" by Andrew Hicks (book review)
10, 10, 10
"Conversation" by Christopher '95 (really bizarre sex) 10, 10, 10
"Bimbo Twins in Outer Space" by Leo Sanderson (sex in outer
space) 7, 6, 9
* "Peach Pit After Hours" by Roger P. Tipe (gang rape)
9.5, 9, 8
* "Conversation" by Sandman (sex fantasies & inhibitions)
10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"Cape And Cowl" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net). Here we're back to
Supergirl as I know and love her. At the beginning of the story, a
small jet is in extreme danger. The Girl of Steel, who happens to be in
the area delivering a heart for a transplant operation, rescues the
pilot and passenger by bringing the jet in for a gentle landing. By
sheer chance, the passenger on the jet happens to be Barbara Gordon,
junior congressional representative from Gotham City, whose secret
identity is Batgirl. The loss of the engines on the jet was no
accident; it was sabotage by evil agents of Quraq. Supergirl and
Batgirl quickly combine to subdue Crimson Rose, the main Quaraqi agent;
and then they disclose their mutual attraction to each other. Then a
good time is had by all.
This is a very nice story. I guess you could say it's not great
literature - just a kids' comic book story that happens to be
banned for children. But this author does a great job of setting
up a plot with details that are both interesting and consistent.
In addition, the sex between the two superheroes seemed perfectly
plausible to me. The aspect that I like best about Ann Douglas's
stories is that her characters have genuinely interesting
personalities.
Ratings for "Cape And Cowl"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Photos" by Luc7557 (Luc7557@aol.com). Madeline is a prominent author
of erotic stories, perhaps on this very newsgroup. She has a cyberlover
in England, but she has no erotic photos to send him. So she has asked
Luc and his faithful sidekick Gena to come to her house and take some
photos. The rules are that Luc and Gena will just take photos - no
funny business - nobody will even touch Madeline. However, Madeline
still seems a bit shy - she's hesitant to disrobe for the camera. No
problem, says Gena, as she whips off her clothes; how can Madeline be
nervous if the photographer's assistant agrees to go naked for this
photo shoot? And so, two hours later they have enough pictures to
enable her to e-mail Chris one a day with his breakfast until his next
visit.
But wait a minute! Suddenly Gena has snapped handcuffs and bondage
shoes onto Madeline. Are they going to violate the terms of engagement?
No way! They could get bounced from the Erotic Photographers Union for
pulling a stunt like that. They just want a captive audience. Maybe
next time Madeline can join in. But tonight Luc and Gena just want her
to watch - to watch, to listen, and to imagine." Ah, Gena gets really
hot, and they change the rules, but not too much.... Well, there's
always next time.
This is a good story. I found the second person ("you") point of view
to be extremely irritating. As I progressed through the first part of
the story, I assumed I would have to dock the author several points
somewhere for this silly approach. But the overall story turned out so
good that I couldn't decide where to dock him. Instead I decided to
give him straight 10's but to make a point about the point of view. It
seems to me that the author probably wrote this story for somebody else
- probably somebody named Madeline. Madeline probably had about twelve
orgasms while she read the story and e-mailed back something like, "This
is really good! You oughta publish it!" And so he did. The problem is
that the story would have been better had Luc considered that the other
people reading this story would not be Madelines. In fact, some of them
would be guys. These future audiences would be likely to find the
original point of view (which was great for Madeline) to be distracting.
I can see no reason whatsoever (other than that it would take time) that
this story couldn't be told in the third person.
Some authors (e.g., Plainman) do great things with the first-and-second-
person narratives; but they work hard to make these "persons" have
personality. This author does not do that. He just insists that the
reader take the point of view of Madeline. I don't think that's a good
strategy.
On a completely different topic - For those of you who have no
kids yet, let me say that you are in for a thrill. As soon as you
or your beloved gives birth to a progeny, somehow the photo
companies will get your name and they'll lay siege to your
domicile, offering you wonderful prices on pictures of your cute
little bundle of joy. Knowing that your baby is more beautiful
than any other, you'll sign up with one of these photographers for
the bargain package; but then your sweet little son or daughter
will refuse to smile or look remotely natural during the photo
session. Strategies analogous to those employed in this story may
come in handy on that occasion.
Ratings for "Photos"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Three Wishes" by Sandmann. The man goes to the remote island of Tonga
to write a story about a Shaman who lives there. The Shaman, of course,
had received an MBA at an American university before he returned to the
island to carry on the family tradition. Since the Shaman values his
privacy, in return for the interviewer's promise to keep quiet about
where he found him, the Shaman grants the interviewer three wishes. The
man's first wish is for unlimited money; his second is for his
girlfriend's breast size to increase; and he delays his third till later
{the Shaman says he can mail it in}.
To be more specific, for his second wish he wants to be able to make his
girlfriend's breasts larger; but he wants this process to be absolutely
safe for her, and he wants the growth to be under his control." In
granting the wish, the Shaman adds just one condition: there will be but
a single hour during which he can cause Becky's breasts to grow, and
then only as she experiences orgasm.
When he gets home, the fun begins. Becky starts the lovemaking session
as a size A, but by the final twenty minutes she has progressed beyond
size F. Of course that's only an estimate; it might be better to use
NBA standards, since the tits seem to resemble basketballs. This may
sound like a freak show performance, but Becky enjoys it immensely - and
there's always that third wish in abeyance.
Sign from Heaven Department: I just found this Three Wishes Joke on
rec.humor. I apologize to my blonde sisters. Insert whatever you want
in place of the three blondes <interesting thought!>:
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a
fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned
into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the
previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired
woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails
off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than
the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he
walks across the bridge.
{End of Joke}
If I myself had to make three wishes, I would, of course, wish first
that love and peace would spread throughout the entire world. My second
wish would be for an infinite supply of wishes. My third wish I would
save to cancel the other two, just in case I screwed up.
Ratings for "Three Wishes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Hot! International! Gay!" by Andrew Hicks. This was recently posted by
Eli the Bearded under the title "(Humor) what's your bag baby?" It's
not really a "story," and so it really shouldn't be a target for my
reviews; but then, as a belligerent critic recently pointed out, my
"reviews" aren't really reviews either. Therefore, as a compromise I'll
call this little gem to your attention but make it ineligible for the
coveted monthly and yearly awards.
Apparently Andrew Hicks has a comedy diary called "Yet Another
Year in the Life of a Nerd," which is somehow associated with the
web site at http://www.missouri.edu/~c667778. Mr. Hicks seems to
have come across a book entitled "Hot! International! Gay!" which
claims to translate common sexual phrases (especially those most
needed by gay men) into seven languages. I found his comedic
treatment of this book to be hilarious.
Ratings for "Hot! International! Gay!"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Conversation" by Christopher '95 (A+ Story). This one is hard to
describe. It's bizarre - like a dream. An extremely beautiful
woman whom he has never seen before joins Martin at his table in
the restaurant. "Do you love me?" she asks in a low, husky voice.
"I don't even know who you are," answers Martin. "Know me?"
replies the woman; "I didn't ask if you knew me. I asked if you
loved me. Do you love me? Do you want to?" Then she asks if she
can please sleep with him. She promises never to say no. And she
doesn't.
This is a strange but strangely fascinating story.
Sandmann wrote another story with this same title. It was also
bizarre, but not as far gone as this one. I'll repost that
review, and maybe Sandmann will repost his story.
Ratings for "Conversation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Bimbo Twins in Outer Space" by Leo Sanderson
(leonsan@rocketmail.com). Sometimes I just plain admire people
that know their limitations. As I glanced at this title, I
suspected that the author of this story probably did not believe
he had written a masterpiece. He probably thought he was writing
a rather inane satire on science fiction stories that seem to
thrive on sexual innuendo.
The action takes place on a spacecraft that has 100 male crew
members and 6 robots, plus twin female officers dressed in the
standard uniform of gold and blue bikini bra and thong panties,
thigh-high sheer black hose and spike heel booties. {You may think
that this uniform would interfere with the responsibilities of the
eponymous twins, but an engineering student once explained to me
that physical designs desirable on earth may not be equally
desirable in a weightless environment. The student was speaking
of the design of the Starship Enterprise, but the reference to
Barbarella below seems equally relevant.} Sean and Sia Barbie
have magnificent bodies with 38D cup breasts: full and firm with
perfect pink nipples cresting each mound, "allways" erect; they
{the breasts, I think} seemed to be the cherries on top of a mound
of vanilla ice cream, waiting to be sucked into a warm mouth and
enjoyed. Well, I guess the author has more in common with Larry
Flint than Isaac Asimov.
My husband likes to tease my brother-in-law (a conservative
Vietnam veteran) by discussing the merits of a movie called
"Barbarella" - a completely stupid movie with no discernible plot
in which Jane Fonda does nothing much other than fondle her own
body in outer space. This story reminds me of "Barbarella." I
have to admit, I've had some really great orgasms during
"Barbarella," but not because of anything I was directly observing
on the screen.
Ratings for "Bimbo Twins in Outer Space"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Conversation" by Sandmann (bd654@scn.org). This story begins as
a conversation between two women about the sex life of one of
them, who mentions that she is sexually uninhibited. A stranger
at a nearby table jumps into the conversation and asks her to
explain what she means by "uninhibited." Her friend leaves, and
the woman continues the discussion with the stranger. This is a
fascinating combination of a theoretical discussion and sexual
fantasies. It's a Platonic dialogue run amok!
As you know, I enjoy "discovering" that various a.s.s. authors are
"really" someone else. For example, I have discussed at length my
theory that Deirdre is actually Sherwood Anderson reincarnated.
More recently, I speculated that Harper Lee is the real author of
"Tomboy," which was falsely attributed to Jordan Shelbourne. If I
recall correctly, I once even exposed J.D. Salinger posting on
a.s.s. Plainman is obviously a pseudonym for John Updike. I also
suspect that some authors on this newsgroup post under more than
one name. The present story is a case in point. This story bears
an uncanny stylistic resemblance to the work of another excellent
author whose work I have reviewed here in the past. However,
since the author may have some reason for wanting to conceal this
dual identity, I am not going to disclose the other name under
which I think this author writes. If you want to `fess up or
speculate, you can contact me by e-mail.
This is a thoroughly enjoyable story!
Ratings for "Conversation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Peach Pit After Hours" by Roger P. Tipe
(rogrtipe@ix.netcom.com). Rocco and his gang of thugs burst into
the Peach Pit After Dark. Rocco puts a gun to Brenda's head and
tells Val to hand over all the money, or he'll blow Brenda's
brains out. Since Val doesn't like Brenda anyway, she replies ,
"Fuck you!" Not really wanting a murder rap, Rocco changes
tactics and announces that instead of killing Brenda he and the
guys are going to rape everyone unless Val turns over the money.
This is supposed to scare Val, but instead it turns her on; and
besides, she likes the feeling of power and control that Rocco has
given her over her sexy little friends.
So what we have here is a prolonged gang rape, with 30 or so
scuzzy gang members banging the Beverly whores. Val herself
escapes relatively unscathed, but rumor has it that she'll get
hers in the sequel. I guess as gang-rape stories go this was a
pretty good one. I think if I were a 90210 fan I might have
caught some more of the allusions and enjoyed some inside comments
that I might have missed.
Ratings for "Peach Pit After Hours"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8