Celestial Reviews 184 - May 24, 1997
Somebody Sent Me This: A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half
his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed
soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough
to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was
exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of
the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor
to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long
when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I
do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a
professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having
intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and
ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know
that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the
phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where?
In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He
got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would
find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and
pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his
eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy
session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes
tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said,
"Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are
doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my
truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check
the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a
few minutes ago."
Blow Job Principle: We are in danger of losing some of our best authors.
I am aware of at least two people who say they are ready to throw in the
towel simply because they get so little feedback from readers. If you
rarely or never respond to authors, then THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
What in the world do you think keeps an author going? You can call it
ego or whatever you want to call it. I call it the Blow Job Principle.
Simply stated, if a person expects to get a second blow job, the
recipient should make the giver glad to have performed the first.
Applied to these stories, if you like a story, take the trouble to say
so.
Some writers on this newsgroup are incoherent and don't intend to
improve. If they give up and go away, that's fine with me. But there
are good writers who have already abandoned this newsgroup and others
who will do so, because there's nothing in it for them.
I'm not suggesting that you kiss up to the authors. But if you enjoy a
story that you obtained for free, why not take two minutes to give the
author some feedback? I don't think most authors want idle flattery;
but they write stories with the hope that they are getting a reaction -
for example, they may want to make people happy. They'll never know
they have succeeded unless somebody tells them so.
Sign That the Apocalypse Is Upon Us: "Polygamy is an empowering life-
style... People come up to me and say, 'You have an eighth of a
husband.' I say. 'No, I have eight times the husband.' He learns from
all of us, and we learn from him." This is not (yet) a tagline from
alt.sex.stories, but a quote in Time Magazine from Elizabeth Joseph at a
meeting of the National Organization for Women, about being one of the
eight wives of Utah polygamist Alex Joseph. Hmmm....
Fourth Note: Remember the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest. The
rules are that the story must in some way be about sex and must be
restricted to 500 words or less. In addition, the story should include
some sort of unusual twist - like the unexpected self-revelation Robert
Browning's poem "My Last Duchess" or the surprise endings in several of
Vickie Tern's "Teasers" or Deirdre's stories. If you wish, you can
submit several super-short stories together (as Vickie Tern has now done
on two occasions), or you can post them separately under separate
titles. However, I'll give first prize to the best STORY, not to the
best collection. The deadline for submissions will be June 3, which my
calendar tells me is the date on which the Catholic Church will
celebrate the feast of St. Charles Lwanga and his companions.
Fifth Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews
for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Something to Talk About" by OddManOut Anywhere (mild
dominance & anal sex) 10, 8, 8
"Youth in a Bottle" by Anonymous Asshole (cryptic sex story)
1,1,1 (undecoded); 10, 10, 10 (decoded)
"The Delivery Guy" by SevenBites (adolescent sex) 6, 7, 7
"Mystical Wish" by The Gray Mouser (magick) 10, 8, 6
* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
* "Camp Nurse" by NightShade (stud stranded in cheerleader
heaven) 10, 10, 10
* "A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded
(weird sex) 10, 8, 2
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"Something to Talk About" by OddManOut Anywhere"
(oddman0ut@hotmail.com). Jake isn't getting anywhere with Tanya through
simple conversation, and so her offers to give her a backrub. He finds
it difficult to determine how she is reacting to his ministrations.
Like, she doesn't talk. Such passive sex should have been boring, but
Jake finds it extremely arousing. She's tight and quiet, but she
obviously wants him to continue. Eventually he fucks her in the ass,
and she enjoys that too. That gives them "something to talk about."
Ratings for "Something to Talk About"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Youth in a Bottle" by Anonymous Asshole. You can well imagine my
excitement at receiving in my mailbox an unsolicited manuscript labeled
"Youth in a Bottle." The missive was from somebody named
glycolic@hotmail.com and was addressed rather broadly, I think, to
onlinefriend@aol.com. I was fortunate to have been included as a blind
carbon copy (bcc). Images of fun-loving, youthful orgies flashed before
my mind's eye. You can imagine my consternation when I opened the
message and discovered that it appeared to be an advertisement for
something called Glycolic Acid.
I quickly realized that nobody would be so obtuse as to send me an
unsolicited advertisement of this nature, and so I began to read between
the lines. Sure enough! This WAS a sex story. It had obviously been
written by a person who was subject to censorship (possibly in the White
House or at Procter & Gamble or possibly a B52 pilot), and therefore the
real story was hidden behind code words and innuendoes. I have made a
few adjustments {as by inserting commas and apostrophes, correcting
spelling errors, and generally changing whatever was necessary}, but I
think I have eked out the basic outline of the story. I have put in
brackets {like this} additional information that clarifies more fully
the meaning of a particular passage. Whenever possible (or convenient) I
have retained the exact words of the original, encoded story. I suppose
if you want more information, you'd have to be fortunate enough to
receive this mail yourself.
"Glycolic Acid" is simply the code name for a hot little teenage lap
dancer nicknamed Sweet Ass {actually, Sugar Ass, but that sounds
somewhat hokey}. She comes from {cums by using} milk products and wine,
which sounds kind of kinky to me. Sweet Ass is derived from {driven wild
by} sugar cane {use your own imagination here!}. Since the molecules
{in her clitoris} are smaller in Sweet Ass than in the other AHAs, Sweet
Ass absorbs {the penis} into the skin {particularly her vagina} more
effectively, and this is the reason why Sweet Ass has become the most
popular of the AHA family. {It's not difficult to imagine the AHA
family gathered around the fireplace in incestuous rapture!}
How does Sweet Ass work? Sweet Ass's main function is to stimulate the
organ by weakening the bonds {!} that otherwise inhibit performance.
Sweet Ass also stimulates the body's own fluid production, which allows
younger, newer partners to "emerge" {and cum} at a much faster rate.
When you are young, you don't notice the natural stimulation process,
which occurs about every 27 days for a 17-year-old person {Yeah, right!
In his mother's puritanical dreams!}. As we age, the stimulation
process slows down; so dead cells {old inhibitions, I think} are not
shed as efficiently, creating, thicker, lined, older looking skin. Sweet
Ass "speeds up this process, thus making the skin younger, softer and
more supple, slowing down the aging process all together." {I'm not sure
what this last part means; but my experience is that things that are
young, soft, and supple are usually good.}
Many plastic surgeons and dermatologists {that is, rich folks who can
get sex anytime) feel that Sweet Ass in concentrations of less than 10%
yields only minimal results. Cosmetic companies such as Avon, Estee
Lauder, and other over the counter companies {that is, rich folks who
for some reason cannot get sex anytime) are using Sweet Ass at a much
lower concentration, generally about 2%-6%. This story recommends a
full, clinical, 10% use of Sweet Ass, who has been formulated to obtain
maximum results and who can be incorporated at higher percentages for a
complete step-up program. {Zounds!}
What about antioxidants? Antioxidants are vitamins and minerals that
the author has incorporated into Sweet Ass to protect the skin's surface
from sun damage, pollutants, accidental impregnation, and other damaging
elements caused by dogs and other animals in the environment.
Even though Sweet Ass works similar{ly} to Retin A, Sweet Ass has no
side effects, whereas Retin A can sometimes be a real bitch. However,
Sweet Ass should be used with a sunscreen to protect the skin.
Ratings for "Youth in a Bottle"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"The Delivery Guy" by SevenBites (SevenBites@aol.com). Last week we had
the Yard Guy. This week it's the Delivery Guy, or in this specific
story the 17-year-old boy who delivers a document for this mother and
then boinks the 30-something woman to whom he has made the delivery.
This is this author's first story. You gotta start somewhere. My
advice would be to follow Michael K. Smith's advice in "How to Write
Stories Good," which I reviewed in the last issue of CR. This story has
a basically good idea behind it, but it needs plot and character
development as well as a thorough proofreading. Most importantly, the
author should have someone who will be honest with him look at the next
story before he rushes to press with it.
Ratings for "The Delivery Guy"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Mystical Wish" by The Gray Mouser
(the.gray.mouser@f750.n154.z1.fidonet.org). Greywind is an elf.
He has become infatuated with Chakyna, an elven maiden. They met
when she startled him and caused him to injure himself by dropping
a heavy shutter on his foot. It turns out that Chakyna has the
mystical power to reduce the swelling in his foot {as well as a
mystical power to INduce swelling elsewhere}. When she speaks
mysteriously of a way to thank her, Greywind jumps up and runs off
to change his clothes. He's a shy little feller. It's also
evident that elves lack comprehensive sex education or even access
to the advice of Dr. Ruth or the MTV talk shows. Instead, he gets
advice from another local mystic. Then he reveals his true love
to Chakyna, and they live happily ever after.
The emphasis in this story is much more heavily on magick and
"mysticism" than on sexual activity. I would have liked the
emphasis to have been reversed.
Ratings for "Mystical Wish"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
* "Newhart: The Made Maid" by Uncle Mike
(fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). At first I was disappointed with
this story. I was expecting a parody of the Bob Newhart Show in
which Bob plays a psychologist in Chicago. Instead I found a
parody of the more recent Bob Newhart Show, in which Bob plays a
writer who is also the owner of an Inn in New England. I wasn't
as familiar with the latter series, and so I expected that I
wouldn't enjoy the parody as much. I was very pleasantly
surprised!
The plot is perfect; it actually fits in with the personalities
and mannerisms of the characters. Stephanie (the ditzy, lazy,
rich girl who is a maid but never does any work) develops a
rivalry with Joanna, and to prove her case she seduces Dick (the
Bob Newhart character). In retaliation, Joanna seduces Michael
(Stephanie's preppie boyfriend). In further retaliation, Joanna
tricks Stephanie into having sex with Larry and his two brothers
(Daryl and Daryl). Finally, to make amends Joanna makes love to
Stephanie herself.
As I said, the parody is very well done. For example, it is easy
to imagine the Bob Newhart character reacting just the way the
author shows him as he is seduced by the young vixen. I strongly
recommend this story.
Ratings for "Newhart"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Camp Nurse" by NightShade (dguthner@garden.net). Chris Mattson
has become the camp nurse at Camp Rah-Rah-Rah. This place is an all-
girl cheerleading camp, and the head administrator has stereotypically
assumed that all nurses - at least all nurses named Chris - would be
female. Actually, Chris is just over six feet tall, 180 lbs., and if he
grew a mustache, he would look like Tom Selleck, only better (because
his cock is 4.5 inches longer than Tom's, I suppose) The other staff
members are all ex-cheerleaders for either a major University or a pro
sport team, and there isn't an ounce of excess weight on any of them.
Imagine that.
So Chris the Nurse is confined to a luxury resort with a huge number of
horny teenagers who haven't seen their boyfriends for a month or so and
a smaller number of female staffers who are likewise in heat. As I
understand it, he winds up servicing about 30 people on an average
night. They just come to him in the dark, give him head or engage in
some other kind of foreplay, and then ride his ten-incher until he cums.
Thirty times a night. They even line up outside his door, waiting their
turns. Imagine that.
In the midst of all these orgasms (and many more that I have not told
you about), a dilemma arises. Chris has been getting especially great
sex from one woman, but since she fucks him in the dark, he doesn't know
who she is. He asks her to reveal her identity. When she asks why he
needs to know so badly, he replies thusly: ""Because if you, the most
incredible body I have ever been with, are not who I want you to be, I
would hurt you, and I don't want that. Part of my feelings for you have
to do with the things we do here, understand? So I need you to tell me
who you are. And it's not fair. You know who I am. That way, if you're
not my dream girl, at least I can pretend you are and not hurt you." I
guess that makes sense. However, the mystery woman declines thusly:
"There are 150 girls and women in this camp. All of them are horny; some
of them are even fucking the trees. If one woman was to claim as her own
the only prick for a hundred miles around, there would be a riot. A big
riot. Very messy. It would be better if, during the time at camp, there
weren't any sticky feelings around screwing up a good program. Can you
live with that?"
Wow! Hedonistic perverts certainly can be ethical when they want to be!
Chris Mattson is almost godlike in his heroic willingness to service the
needs of the poor wretches with whom he has been stranded. Sexual
intimacy with him almost invariably leads not only to almost continuous
orgasms but also to enhancement of the personality and possibly a
reversal in lifestyle from a state of misery to one of self-confident
productivity. What a guy! He'd probably do this work even if he didn't
enjoy it.
Alt.sex.stories is an excellent forum for exchange of ideas. We'll
ignore my personal belief that maybe the best plan for a 14-year-old
virgin with an intact hymen would be simply to grow into a 15-year-old
virgin with an intact hymen. {An idea like that is rarely exchanged in
this forum anyway. And even if it's a good IDEA, it's not a good
FANTASY.} But most stories on this newsgroup advocate a gradual start;
for example, they suggest that a girl with a beginner's cunt should
start with a 15-year-old boy with an ordinary sized penis. In this
story, on the other hand, Our Hero plunges right in - literally. But
the girls like it and say, "Thank you, Mr. Mattson." See what I mean?
There's room for debate here: should a girl that's just had her cherry
popped by the head nurse with a 10-inch cock really call him "Mr.
Mattson?" He's just an average guy doing the best he can.
During the process of deflowering 18 virgins on three successive nights,
Chris is told by one girl to stop just before her cherry pops. Why?
Well, because her father gives her routine physical checkups, and the
old man will be upset the next time he fondles her pussy if he discovers
a broken hymen. Chris and the Skipper (the camp administrator) are
perplexed that such exploitive behavior exists. Chris tells Muffy that
he understands, and then he gently fucks her in the ass. You know - you
just don't find guys like this in the real world!
Keep in mind that (as the disclaimer says) this is a work of fiction by
a twisted mind. Also keep in mind that there is no place in the world
where most of this is either legal or possible. Finally, keep in mind
that this is a very hot and creative story.
Ratings "The Camp Nurse"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded (A+
Story). A month of so ago one of the readers asked me to review
several stories from rec.arts.erotica. That service, she noted,
was coming back to life; and since the stories there were
screened, it seemed likely that they might be of higher quality
than ordinary alt.sex.stories entries. Enough is enough! This
story is about a man riding a nearly empty train car. There is a
woman with a crying baby riding the same car. When the baby cries
to much, the mother opens her double-jointed mouth and swallows
the kid whole. The man finds this incredibly erotic and
masturbates while it happens.
This story reminds me of some of my own really interesting dreams.
When I used to awaken at 2:00 a.m. I used to think, "Wow! What a
neat dream!" The next morning I would vaguely recall the dream
and say to myself, "I wish I could remember that really great
dream." My husband suggested that in order to avoid additional
losses to posterity, I should keep a notepad by the bed. Two
nights later I had another Really Great Dream. In the semi-asleep
state that accompanied my return from the bathroom, I wrote a few
lines to remind myself of the dream. The next morning I brought
the notepad to the breakfast table at eagerly read what I had
written. It was nonsense; but it did serve to remind me of the
entire dream. The dream was also nonsense. It was a really dumb
dream that seemed interesting because I was too sleepy to be
critical. I think this kind of dream experience is fairly
universal. But I don't think these dreams are interesting enough
to write down and post as stories for others to read. Obviously,
some people disagree with me. Eli himself is a pretty good judge
of stories, and Ray Velez liked it enough to make it an A+ story.
But I think it's a weird waste of time.
Ratings ""A Train Ride...
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2