Celestial Reviews 183 - May 21, 1997
Note: Gramma and Grampa are sitting out on the front porch one day in
their rockers, when Grampa says to Gramma, "Wanna fuck?"
Well, they sit there in silence, rocking for a while, and then Gramma
says, "Wanna fuck?"
Again the silence and rocking continues for quite some time, until
finally Grampa speaks up and says, "This oral sex ain't all it's cracked
up to be ... !"
Second Note: My compliments to the author(s) of the Annex Reviews. I
have seen three issues so far, and they have been well done.
Third Note: Remember the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest. The
rules are that the story must in some way be about sex and must be
restricted to 500 words or less. In addition, the story should include
some sort of unusual twist - like the unexpected self-revelation Robert
Browning's poem "My Last Duchess" or the surprise endings in several of
Vickie Tern's "Teasers" or Deirdre's stories. If you wish, you can
submit several super-short stories together (as Vickie Tern has now done
on two occasions), or you can post them separately under separate
titles. However, I'll give first prize to the best STORY, not to the
best collection. The deadline for submissions will be June 3, which my
calendar tells me is the date on which the Catholic Church will
celebrate the feast of St. Charles Lwanga and his companions.
Fourth Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my
reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Charly the Yard Guy" by Michael K. Smith (romance)
10, 10, 10
"How to Write Stories Good" by Michael K. Smith (writing
advice) 10, 10, 10
"Nope. They Can't Mow The Lawn" by Dr. D. (vegetable &
anal sex) 9, 7, 10
"Beverly Hills, 90210: Bed Rest" by Reverend Jim (TV parody)
10, 8, 8
"HypnoTV: Melrose Place" by MAW (TV parody) 10, 6, 6
"Fantasy 1.0" by Wiley06 (gangbang) 10, 10, 10
"Art Appreciation" by Taria (sexual variety) 10, 10, 10
"Alone" by Dennis (cybersex fantasy) 9, 8, 9
"Fun In The Tub" by MIKE HUNT (hmm....) 10, 9, 9
"Cold" by George Stapanek (cold mf sex) 10, 6, 5
* "Fools Rush In" by Joe Parsons (phone sex) 10, 9, 9
* "Angelic Interlude" by Joe Parsons (meeting the cyber-
lover) 10, 10, 10
* "Encounter at Green's Rock" by Joe Parsons (going home again)
10, 10, 10
* "When Morning Comes" by Joe Parsons (dream lover)
10, 9.5, 9.5
* "Livinia" by Friar Dave (complex romance) 9.5, 10, 10
* "One Moment in Time" by D.B. (romantic fling) 9, 10, 10
* "Getting It Right" by Michael K. Smith (young romance)
10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"Charly the Yard Guy" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith1@swbell.net).
Yard-guy sex is actually a fairly popular topic when women meet in
sewing circles, at the hairdresser's, or even at PTA executive
meetings. There's something about a muscular young man in a
sweaty tee-shirt that outlines and emphasizes those muscles that
brings out the libido in the everyday housewife. I don't
personally know anyone who has actually fucked her yard guy, but I
have heard some wild claims and have had lots of friends who have
incorporated the yard guy into fantasies later in the evening.
Come to think of it, I DID make love to my yard guy just last
week, but I had him take a shower with me first to get rid of all
those little pieces of grass and herbicides that aren't really all
that sexy. Of course, the mitigating circumstance in my case is
that I am married to my yard guy.
Anyway, in the present story Charly the Yard Guy is actually
Charlene the 16-year-old Yard Girl, who takes over the job of
doing extensive yard work for the 35-year-old neighbor when her
brothers can no longer do the work. She quickly becomes more than
a yard worker. Although the older man tries to resist the
relationship, they fall in love and move swiftly along to a tender
and happy ending.
There are people who would label this a pedophile relationship,
but that's a silly oversimplification. I'm not sure about this
(in fact, I'm just making it up), but I think the odds for
happiness would actually be in FAVOR of a really responsible and
sensitive 16-year-old who wanted to develop a mature relationship
with a 35-year-old man - as long as the man is also a mature,
sensible man rather than a horny asshole. The main reason to
discourage such relationships is that the result would be a
tremendous loss of worthwhile women from the dating pool for horny
16-year-old boys who couldn't compete with the sophistication and
sensitivity of their more mature competitors.
If my daughter finds this story, I want to remind her that not all
that many middle-aged men who flirt with teenagers are as
wonderful as the guy in this story. I would also like to remind
the guy that statutory rape is still a punishable offense that is
prosecuted in most jurisdictions in the western world.
Some people are put off by stories about taboo subjects. It's
important to keep in mind that people are interested in taboo
subjects because to some extent these topics ARE fascinating and
attractive. There have been numerous great books in literature
and award-winning films in which the "forbidden relationship"
plays a tantalizing part. What will happen when the strong-willed
vivacious southern belle falls in love with a man who is married
to someone else or with a man whose allegiance to the South is
seriously questioned? What will happen when Gregory Peck is
assigned to an air base in England during World War II and faces
the extraordinary danger of probably dying in battle far away from
his wife at home while he is in close contact with a beautiful
British woman? What will happen when a widower who is ready to
marry the beautiful love of his life and resume his normal
existence is suddenly confronted by his former wife, who wasn't
dead after all but has merely been the victim of amnesia?
Blindly denying that these stories are interesting does not reduce
their attractiveness. In real life, situations like these may
cause really serious complications and emotional problems. I used
to be amazed (watching reruns, of course) at how much stress
Little Joe used to be able to tolerate on the Ponderosa. The poor
guy had a fiancee die at least every fourth episode, his parents
or brothers kidnapped almost weekly, and he had amnesia at least
twice a year. The poor little kid on The Rifleman had it even
worse: each week, a group of homicidal maniacs would rob a bank,
beat up his father, kidnap him (I think his name was Marcus), and
repulse his father (Lucas) the first time he tried to rescue him.
Then these assholes would be in position to kill both Marcus and
Lucas and sometimes also Micah plus an itinerant neighbor, when
the Old Man would whip out his rifle and kill all six of the bad
guys on the spot. In real life, that's stress; but that's what
fiction is for.
Getting back to sex, I think it's a really bad idea for a man to
get into a relationship with a sexy nymphomaniac who eventually
refuses to let go of him and boils the family rabit on the kitchen
stove or for a woman to become a call girl that gets sent on a
shopping spree by a handsome rich guy with whom she eventually
falls in love. It's not all that likely that such stories would
have happy endings in real life; but "Fatal Attraction" and
"Pretty Woman" are really good movies. Worrying about the moral
ambiguity of these movies simply makes it less likely that you
will enjoy them or profit from the vicarious experiences they
convey.
So if any of you assholes out there decide to seduce my teenage
daughter, you can assume that your life will become stressful.
I'll grant the POSSIBILITY that she might become happy with a guy
twice her age; and in fact, if things happened to her just the way
they happen in this story, that would be just swell. But I'm
going to bet on her having a lot of fun with kids her own age and
marrying a guy I consider to be a kid and all that neat kind of
crap.
Ratings for "Charly the Yard Guy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"How to Write Stories Good" by Michael K. Smith
(mksmith1@swbell.net). My system of ratings doesn't actually
apply to this essay, because it's not really a "story." It's
really just good advice for people who want to write stories.
However, I thought I should give this essay high ratings just to
increase the probability that aspiring writers will read it.
This author goes into greater detail than I do, but here are the five
guidelines from my FAQ that I give to budding writers of erotica who
feel they are being neglected by their public:
(a) Have an angle (topic, point of view, or whatever you want to call
it) and introduce it early. Give the readers a reason to want to read
the story.
(b) Don't waste your time with irrelevant details.
(c) Use an effective writing style. It is sometimes effective to write
in a deliberately illiterate style in order to achieve an effect; but
even people who say they don't care about grammar become turned off when
writing becomes just plain confusing.
(d) Make the sex scenes achieve the effect you want. For example, not
all erotic stories are supposed to be "hot"; but if yours is supposed to
be arousing, you yourself should become at least moderately aroused when
you reread the story. Try to look at the story from the point of view
of your readers. If you expect to turn on respectable but sexy high
school English teachers, try to imagine someone of that description
reading your story and imagine how she will feel while she is reading
your words.
(e) Follow rules for good grammar, such as those posted in my Celestial
Grammar and Advanced Celestial Grammar.
My guidelines never contradict Smith's, but I'd advise you to pay
greater attention to his, since he is a proven, successful author.
Ratings for "How to Write Stories Good"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Nope. They Can't Mow The Lawn" by Dr. D. (THC Repost). I have
to admit that the only reason I read this story was that it
mentioned mowing the lawn. I figured it would contrast nicely
with the preceding story. Actually, this is a well-told story
about a guy who fucks his wife in the ass while he simultaneously
works over her pussy with a large cucumber. It's so crazy, it
just might work!
Ratings for "Nope. They Can't Mow The Lawn"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Beverly Hills, 90210: Bed Rest" by Reverend Jim (RvrendJim@aol.com).
Kelly and Valerie do not get along. If you didn't already know that,
you probably won't enjoy this story. The plot is not exactly creative;
it's enjoyable primarily because it is easy for fans to picture these
characters from the Fox television show and to imagine the irony of
these two little sex kittens exchanging mutual pleasure.
Incidentally, I don't at all approve of this sort of sexual activity.
Common sense says that if you have intense oral sex with a person who
has the flu, you're going to catch the disease yourself.
Ratings for "Bed Rest"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"HypnoTV: Melrose Place" by MAW (MS4EVER321@aol.com). This story
incorporates mind control through hypnosis into a couple of story lines
based on the Melrose Place television series. First Amanda hypnotizes
Alison and makes her exchange sexual pleasantries. Of course, she also
gives her a post-hypnotic suggestion which will turn her back into a sex
slave upon command.
In a separate sequence Sydney makes love to Kimberly and then describes
to her how she had used hypnosis to seduce the cold-hearted Jane. Next
Sydney and Kimberly go out and reactivate the old hypnosis trigger on
Jane, and then they bring Jo into the action. Finally, Sydney and
Kimberly go to New York and meet Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica and do the
story by this author that I reviewed last week.
As I have said many times, I find it to be really simplistic (and
uninteresting) to suggest that people are likely to become sexual slaves
through just a few seconds of staring at a magic ruby or candle. The
author admits this problem, but just admitting it doesn't make it stop
being a problem. Maybe Melrosers who are already fascinated by mind
control or accept the notion of easy hypnosis-for-sex will greatly enjoy
the image of the people from Melrose Place doing kinky things to one
another.
This author is not a bad writer. She just needs to work on her plots.
Right now she is operating on the assumption that simply inserting mind
control and sex into stories with familiar characters will result in
sexually stimulating stories. It's not quite that easy: not all mind
control stories with good grammar are automatically good. I would
suggest looking at some of the stories by RC, who specializes in this
genre. The five best mind control stories I have ever read are
"Trances" by Michael K. Smith, "Reward" by Bill Green, "Wet Dreams" by
Backrub, "All We Like Sheep" by MC Woodsmoke, and "Experiment" by
Deirdre. Each of these stories integrates mind control with a sound
plot structure to generate a truly erotic story. If this author would
incorporate similar strategies, she would possibly produce some good
stories.
An additional problem with this story is that the Amanda and
Alison part seems to be entirely unrelated to the other three
segments. I would recommend focusing on a single story line.
Ratings for "HypnoTV: Melrose Place"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character):6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Fantasy 1.0" by Wiley06 (reposted by Mr. Double
(mrdouble@ix.netcom.com)). This author has run the gamut of my ratings.
I have rated his stories as low as 1 and as high as 10. I suspect he
would agree with my ratings: he knows how to write exceedingly well;
it's just that sometimes he doesn't bother to develop his stories as
fully as possible.
Another thing about this author is that he makes me nervous. I think he
would be proud of that fact. When I read his stories I feel someone
leering at me; I don't quite feel safe. Wiley doesn't write romances.
A final thing about Wiley is that he changes his number every year.
When I first found his stories he was Wiley03. Last year he was
Wiley05. By now he's probably Wiley07. My theory is that at the turn
of the millennium he'll change his name to Smiley01 and write romances.
In this story the narrator spots a cute, wholesome teenager at a bus
stop with her mother and fantasizes about all the neat things that he
and his friends could do to her at a fraternity gangbang. Like I said,
Wiley0x makes me nervous, and he's not writing romances yet.
Ratings for "Fantasy 1.0"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character):10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Art Appreciation" by Taria (Taria29b@aol.com). The woman is genuinely
pissed off because she has been standing in the cold, waiting for her
husband, who is late again. When she discovers that she has been
standing in front of an art gallery, she goes inside, where she
discovers that the gallery is displaying the works of Andres - "Andres
Presents the History of Sex," to be precise. The display turns her on
and reminds her of a nearby sex shoppe, and she goes to that store and
acquires some sextoys. She takes the next day off and stays home and
plays with herself, while her husband goes to work. The self-
stimulation is extremely erotic, but the best part is the creative use
of a dildo during subsequent ff sexual activity with a friend. Next we
are treated to her voyeurism, while she watches her husband masturbate
with a dildo. Say what? Is this guy kinky or something?
Well, I guess he is kinky; but his wife incorporates his fantasies into
a memorable session of teasing and anal lovemaking. The author does an
excellent job of describing interesting and sexy details of the
lovemaking session.
Ratings for "Art Appreciation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Alone" by Dennis (wooly@coin.csnet.net). This is a story about a man
who feels lonely at the end of a difficult day and fantasizes about the
woman with whom he has been engaging in cybersex. Normally I have
trouble enjoying stories that are written from one person to another and
then simply transposed onto a.s.s. as a "story." Usually such stories
fail to catch an audience beyond the person for whom they were
originally intended. This one is different. Somehow - even though it
seems to have been written for a person other than myself - it manages
to attract me as a sort of voyeur, watching that original imaginary
relationship. This author could use some work on plot and character
development, but this is already pretty good material - especially for a
first effort.
Ratings for "Alone"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Fun In The Tub" by MIKE HUNT (M1kehunt@aol.com). Question: Oh great and
wise guru, is it worse to be pissed off or to be pissed on? Answer:
Worst of all is to be pissed off because you have been pissed on.
Once upon a time, Mike and June were having marital difficulties.
Instead of going to a marriage counselor or to a former classmate
in Maine, they went to a motel in Denver and ordered a 6-pack of
Coors beer from room service. Then they played sex slaves.
Somehow the sex slavery got fixated on delaying the onset of
intinction, the difficulty of which was augmented by extensive
imbibing. You can look all that up in your Funk and Wagnalls.
After June gets pissed off because she can't piss, Mike gets
pissed off because June reciprocates. Then they laugh like
bunnies in heat, and this solves their marital problems. Or
something like that.
Ratings for "Fun In The Tub"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Cold" by George Stapanek (A+ Story). If you're into ennui or
existential angst, you might enjoy this story more than I did. It
left me cold. The man fucks the woman, but neither shows much
emotion or enjoys it very much. Ray N. Velez liked this story;
otherwise he wouldn't have posted it as an A+ story. This is
short enough (484 words) to have been submitted for the Third
Annual Celestial Story Contest (deadline June 3). But it wouldn't
have won. It left me cold.
Ratings for "Cold"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
* "Fools Rush In" by Joe Parsons (jmp@cyber-mall.com). I enjoy a
creative commercial now and then. My favorite television ad right
now is the one where the man is seeing a woman off at a train
station and they are quickly writing and displaying messages to
each other as he runs down the platform while the train begins to
depart. Suddenly, she holds up a note that says "Post" (or maybe
it's "Pole"). He looks confused but keeps running - then he
crashes into a lamppost.
The present story is actually a commercial; but it's a very
creative plug for the author's phone-sex service. The story is
about Gush Plumbob, the idol of Real Americans across the Fruited
Plain, who runs a radio talk show. One day, while he's on the air
denouncing commies and advertising Spotted Owl Delicacies, he
receives a call from a sexy woman, who leaves him her phone
number, which is not 1-900-HOT-CHIX, but supplies a similar
service. Gush calls her back and has the orgasm of his life right
there on line, and afterwards he feels compelled to turn the
portraits of Senators McCarthy, Helms, and Gingrich so that they
face the wall instead of staring at him in lofty grandeur from his
office. {We can tell this is fiction, because there is no Senator
Gingrich among the Real Americans.}
Some people object to the notion that a person would use this
newsgroup to advertise a commercial service. I don't. In each
case, this author gives us the entire story. He doesn't tantalize
us, get us hooked, and then make us pay to hear the end of the
story. We just read his stories and then see his ad for his phone
service at the end. I have never called Joe's phone service, and
I don't intend to. But if everybody who posts a spam message on
this newsgroup would also supply a fresh story as good as those by
this author, I would be a very happy camper.
Ratings for "Fools Rush In"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Angelic Interlude" by Joe Parsons (jmp@cyber-mall.com). The
man and woman have communicated for some time through cyberspace.
They have never met, but she has described her fantasies of what
she would like to do to him. Now she is coming to visit him in
person, and he is waiting for her plane at the airport. Her name
is Angel; hence the title.
I guess almost everybody who reads stories on this newsgroup has a
fantasy of this happening - even those of us who have no intention
of ever consummating such a relationship. Of course, this is just
the cyberspace version of the old honky-tonk romance that the
country-western singers tell us about. The odds are actually
pretty remote that a guy will have the three best orgasms of his
life within an hour after getting out of the car in a wilderness
clearing after picking up his mysterious lover at the airport.
But isn't it pretty to think so?
So the storyline is trite, but it's well written and just plain
hot sex.
Ratings for "Angelic Interlude"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Encounter at Green's Rock" by Joe Parsons (jmp@cyber-mall.com). The
woman has decided to visit the island area in Maine that she used to
haunt with her cousins during her childhood. She comes upon a teenage
boy masturbating; and after watching him, she makes tender love to him.
This main event is surrounded by numerous reflections on her own sexual
development. This is a well-written, sensitive, erotic story.
Ratings for "Encounter at Green's Rock"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "When Morning Comes" by Joe Parsons (jmp@cyber-mall.com). Ellen
has a kind and gentle lover who does everything he can to meet her
needs; but she longs for someone who will dominate her. She
wakens from a dream and finds a stranger in her bedroom, who does
to her all that she had dreamed of and more. Was it a dream or
reality? You read it and decide for yourself.
Ratings for "When Morning Comes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
* "Livinia" by Friar Dave. Hubris can be a serious problem. The
term refers to "an overweening pride" or over-confidence typically
shown by heroes in classical tragedies immediately before their
downfall. I haven't used the word "overweening" since I wrote
that definition on an exam nearly 20 years ago; but I have had my
share of hubris. In the present case, I figured that I knew Friar
Dave so well that after I had read in Part 1 about him having
passionate sex with a hot Filipino woman with a cute daughter, I
figured I had the story pretty well figured out. They would make
love in numerous interesting ways; he would become a devoted
father figure for the daughter; and Livinia and our hero would get
married and live happily ever after.
Then at the beginning of Part 2 my mind was jarred to discover
that the hero already had a wonderful but open relationship with
another beautiful woman who sometimes liked the same ladies that
the hero liked. That's hubris for you. The opposite of hubris is
Socratic humility; and it will be more useful in the present
situation. I know nothing except that I know nothing about this
story, and I had better get back to it. It sounds both hot and
interesting.
Surprises abound in this story. Soon we learn that Livinia was
essentially a sex slave in the Philippines, but through some good
luck she managed to get away with her daughter to the United
States. We also discover that Livinia has a confused sister with
some lesbian proclivities, and that Livinia is one of those
proclivities.
In addition to teaching English I have done a lot of work with
sexually abused women. The main difference between Livinia and
most of the woman who have been through similar experiences is
that she is still alive and even adaptively functional at the age
of 30.
The story is realistic, sensitive, and sexy. Friar Dave's writing
style is not as sharp as it has been in most of his other stories,
but maybe he got wrapped up in the plot too. I found this to be a
most enjoyable story.
Ratings for "Livinia"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "One Moment in Time" by D.B. This story was originally posted by
Michael K. Smith "for a friend" who had written it but could not
post it herself, because she is a teacher in a public school and
could therefore not engage in public impropriety. How quaint!
The present reposting is by a person named Clayton, who has
reposted quite a few really good stories recently. I have no idea
whether this author has posted any additional stories, or (if so)
what name she now uses. If anyone knows the answers to these
questions, I'd like to hear the information, since this is a
potentially excellent author.
This story describes the passionate attraction that develops when
a married man falls in love with a married woman at first sight
and decides to take the chance to act on that attraction. I've
felt these attractions myself, and so has my husband. I'm pretty
sure that in real life acting on these attractions is more likely
to lead to an ending like that in the movie "Fatal Attraction" or
at least screw up one's family life pretty badly; but it sure is
fun to read about one of these fantasies working out so well.
This is really hot stuff!
Ratings for "One Moment in Time"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Getting It Right (A Beginning)" by Michael K. Smith
(mksmith@taproot.win.net). Without ruining the plot for you, I
can't really tell you much about this story, except that it's a
well-written, realistic portrayal of adolescent romance. If
you're looking for something to turn you on real fast, this would
be a bad choice; but if you want a story that's likely to remind
you of something from your own adolescence, this may be a good
one.
Ratings for "Getting It Right"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10