Celestial Reviews 175 - April 23, 1997
Note: I have been compiling a list of tenuous assumptions that occur in
a.s.s. stories (in addition to the standard disclaimer that the events
depicted in these stories occur in a world in which AIDS and other
sexually transmitted diseases do not exist, unwanted pregnancies do not
occur, and nobody suffers emotional damage from sexual abuse). I thought
I should share my list with you. If you have additions or comments,
please post them or send them to me.
Celestial List of Credulous Assumptions:
1. It is usually possible for a woman to estimate the size of a man's
fully engorged cock by gazing at his crotch when he is unaroused and
fully dressed.
2. Without the use of scientific instruments men can easily estimate
the size of women's breasts from across the room, even if the woman is
fully dressed. {Actually, this is no big deal, since nearly all
attractive women have 38DD bust sizes anyway.}
3. Blondes are as bright and sexy as most other women.
4. Most women would intensely enjoy sexual contact with another woman,
but most men would not enjoy sexual contact with another man, even if
cultural biases were eliminated.
5. Children who have sex with their parents normally enjoy this
activity and grow up to be emotionally mature bookworms who contribute
to science and to world peace.
6. Ditto for sex with older siblings, kindly neighbors, and random
strangers.
5a & 6a. When sons, daughters, little brothers, or little sisters ask
questions about sex, the best way to answer their questions is to show
them, using their bodies as part of the demonstration.
7. When a spouse or lover catches his/her partner having sex with
someone else, the typical response is to join in.
8. Women ordinarily have multiple orgasms during every fulfilling
sexual encounter.
9. Men can usually have sex several times a day for several days in a
row.
8a & 9a. Women and men that can do so are happier and better sex
partners than those who have fewer orgasms.
10. Kids can go blind if they masturbate too often. {Ooops. That one
belongs on an alt.religion newsgroup!}
11. Kids who do not masturbate at least daily are severely disturbed.
12. It is important to pop a person's cherry before she gets out of
high school {or gets into high school, has her first date, gets married,
buys her first car, etc.}
13. Women typically enjoy getting raped, once they get over their
inhibitions.
14. Men who force women to have sex with them are sexy.
15. People can be turned into sex slaves by college kids who read a
chapter in a psych book.
16. If you ever get turned into a sex slave, it will be the best thing
that ever happened to you.
17. The average male ejaculation shoots at least 12 inches through the
air.
18. Most women ejaculate at least a pint of luscious fluid during an
enjoyable sexual experience.
19. Most people get turned on when their partner treats them with
extreme cruelty for their own personal gratification.
20. Most black men have "monster cocks." These 12- to 14-inch penises
will thrill any pussy (or other aperture) lucky enough to receive one.
Black women, however, do not have "monster cunts," nor do they appear to
be all that interested in the genitalia of their black brethren. Hence
the reciprocal fondness between black men and white women, especially
those known as sluts.
21. The family that fucks together stays together.
22. It's more fun to have sexual intercourse when there's a genuine
risk of pregnancy. Offspring resulting from unprotected intercourse of
minors tend to be sexy bookworms by the time they reach middle school.
23. Nuns {and English teachers, librarians, etc.} are really sexual
dynamos.
24. Ain't nothing wrong with most frigid women that a riding crop won't
cure.
25. Guys who go without underpants and have sex several times a day do
not develop a nasty rash.
26. The customary sequence of teenage sexual experiences is first
petting, then oral sex, then anal sex, then vaginal sex.
27. Male doctors get their rocks off during physical examinations of
female patients. Female doctors have multiple orgasms whenever they
examine a beautiful person of either sex.
Second Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my
stories for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Lingerie Salesman" by Mike Hunt (voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
"A Birthday Wish" by Pinkmun (serial gangbang orgy) 9, 7, 7
"Feet Are Neat" by Mike Hunt (shoe store sex) 10, 10, 10
"Camp Nurse" by NightShade (stud stranded in cheerleader
heaven) 10, 10, 10
"Set Free by Slavery" by Baron Eros (sex slavery &
exhibitionism) 9.5, 9, 7
"The Ferris Wheel" by K. Reber (amusement park sex) 9, 9, 9
"Yesterday" by Sven the Elder (romance) 10, 9, 9
"Amazonia" by Tom Bombadil (stranded on an island with
naked women) 10, 10, 10
"I Learn to Think, or, Fun with Dick and Brain" by Estragon
(hilarious philosophical insights) 10, 10, 10
* "Lynn" by Dirty Dawg (romance) 10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"The Lingerie Salesman" by Mike Hunt (M1KE HUNT@aol.com). In this
episode Mike Hunt is selling insurance, when he meets a woman in a bar
who sells lingerie door-to-door. In a moment of inspiration, he decides
to try this line of work himself, and so he obtains a bunch of samples
and steals a name for the other saleswoman's list. His first attempt at
making a sale is immensely successful - from both a financial and
voyeuristic perspective. In addition, he manages to get some pretty
good ass.
That day the insurance lost a salesman. Mike started selling lingerie
door-to-door. He made a lot of sales; but three months later he declared
bankruptcy. It's tough to make a living when you can only get it up for
one or two appointments a day.
Ratings "The Lingerie Salesman"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Birthday Wish" by Pinkmun (pinkmun@aol.com). For her 25th birthday
the woman wants to be fucked 25 times - a different guy for each year.
Her boyfriend Sam says OK, and they do it. Sam has interviewed all 25;
they all wear condoms; and she takes them one at a time, so that she can
enjoy them all. Whenever a guy shoots on her chest (permissible if he
can withdraw and remove the condom in time), Sam wipes her clean with a
warm, damp towel, dries her and then calls for the next man. Sam also
supplies lubricant for gentlemen preferring anal entry. This may sound
like a really wild orgy, but trying to compress that many orgasms into a
single story is not easy. At times this story read more like the Book
of Lists - or maybe Leviticus - than a sex story. But it was still an
interesting idea.
Ratings "A Birthday Wish"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Feet Are Neat" by Mike Hunt (M1KE HUNT@aol.com). Every job has its
perks, and for the shoe salesman the main perk is the fact that
occasionally a sexy woman comes into the store and flirts with or
exposes herself to the salesman. I've never thought about it before,
but I guess the salesman could fondle some pretty attractive legs from
time to time and probably catch a glance of some sexy panties - if the
customer happens to be wearing any. In this story, however, Mike Hunt
is kind of naive; the high-schooler enjoys the spectacle, but he doesn't
realize that the customer (a sexy older woman) is coming on to him. He
gets wise about the time she brings him to climax with her foot against
his crotch. This is a very good story about exhibitionism and voyeurism
in the ole shoe store.
I just saw a notice in this author's repost of "The O'Stikkit Inn."
Mike Hunt is going to be on vacation and unavailable for a couple of
weeks. I'm afraid to say that sentence out loud: my husband might go
into a state of depression. Anyway, the author and his lewd and
lascivious but lithe and lovely little lady June will be driving through
the American Southeast. If you're in that area, you might get lucky and
spot them - actually, you might spot them and get lucky. You can easily
recognize them from the descriptions of Mike Hunt provided in these
stories.
One good way to figure out where they're likely to be is to anticipate
the title of the next story. For example, if you were driving past a
place called the "O'Stikkit Inn," that would be a major clue, because
"O'Stikkit Inn by Mike Hunt" is a pun that conveys a sexual innuendo,
and this author can't survive without that sort of thing. You might
think that since that title is already taken the couple will now avoid
inns of that name, but that's not true: " O'Stikkit Inn by Mike Hunt 2"
would be another excellent pun. Personally, if I were driving past the
residence of Seymour Heine, I'd knock on the door and ask for Mike Hunt.
If the person answering the door acts confused, just shout the password
: "O'Stikkit Inn." If the person is nasty, you may consider mooning him
while you utter these words; and if you are a female, it would be
appropriate to add the author's name. Then you'll get the reception you
deserve.
Ratings "Feet Are Neat"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Camp Nurse" by NightShade (dguthner@garden.net). Chris Mattson has
become the camp nurse at Camp Rah-Rah-Rah. This place is an all-girl
cheerleading camp, and the head administrator has stereotypically
assumed that all nurses - at least all nurses named Chris - would be
female. Actually, Chris is just over six feet tall, 180 lbs., and if he
grew a mustache, he would look like Tom Selleck, only better (because
his cock is 4.5 inches longer than Tom's, I suppose) The other staff
members are all ex-cheerleaders for either a major University or a pro
sport team, and there isn't an ounce of excess weight on any of them.
Imagine that.
So Chris the Nurse is confined to a luxury resort with a huge number of
horny teenagers who haven't seen their boyfriends for a month or so and
a smaller number of female staffers who are likewise in heat. As I
understand it, he winds up servicing about 30 people on an average
night. They just come to him in the dark, give him head or engage in
some other kind of foreplay, and then ride his ten-incher until he cums.
Thirty times a night. They even line up outside his door, waiting their
turns. Imagine that.
In the midst of all these orgasms (and many more that I have not told
you about), a dilemma arises. Chris has been getting especially great
sex from one woman, but since she fucks him in the dark, he doesn't know
who she is. He asks her to reveal her identity. When she asks why he
needs to know so badly, he replies thusly: ""Because if you, the most
incredible body I have ever been with, are not who I want you to be, I
would hurt you, and I don't want that. Part of my feelings for you have
to do with the things we do here, understand? So I need you to tell me
who you are. And it's not fair. You know who I am. That way, if you're
not my dream girl, at least I can pretend you are and not hurt you." I
guess that makes sense. However, the mystery woman declines thusly:
"There are 150 girls and women in this camp. All of them are horny; some
of them are even fucking the trees. If one woman was to claim as her own
the only prick for a hundred miles around, there would be a riot. A big
riot. Very messy. It would be better if, during the time at camp, there
weren't any sticky feelings around screwing up a good program. Can you
live with that?"
Wow! Hedonistic perverts certainly can be ethical when they want to be!
Chris Mattson is almost godlike in his heroic willingness to service the
needs of the poor wretches with whom he has been stranded. Sexual
intimacy with him almost invariably leads not only to almost continuous
orgasms but also to enhancement of the personality and possibly a
reversal in lifestyle from a state of misery to one of self-confident
productivity. What a guy! He'd probably do this work even if he didn't
enjoy it.
Alt.sex.stories is an excellent forum for exchange of ideas. We'll
ignore my personal belief that maybe the best plan for a 14-year-old
virgin with an intact hymen would be simply to grow into a 15-year-old
virgin with an intact hymen. {An idea like that is rarely exchanged in
this forum anyway. And even if it's a good IDEA, it's not a good
FANTASY.} But most stories on this newsgroup advocate a gradual start;
for example, they suggest that a girl with a beginner's cunt should
start with a 15-year-old boy with an ordinary sized penis. In this
story, on the other hand, Our Hero plunges right in - literally. But
the girls like it and say, "Thank you, Mr. Mattson." See what I mean?
There's room for debate here: should a girl that's just had her cherry
popped by the head nurse with a 10-inch cock really call him "Mr.
Mattson?" He's just an average guy doing the best he can.
During the process of deflowering 18 virgins on three successive nights,
Chris is told by one girl to stop just before her cherry pops. Why?
Well, because her father gives her routine physical checkups, and the
old man will be upset the next time he fondles her pussy if he discovers
a broken hymen. Chris and the Skipper (the camp administrator) are
perplexed that such exploitive behavior exists. Chris tells Muffy that
he understands, and then he gently fucks her in the ass. You know - you
just don't find guys like this in the real world!
Keep in mind that (as the disclaimer says) this is a work of fiction by
a twisted mind. Also keep in mind that there is no place in the world
where most of this is either legal or possible. Finally, keep in mind
that this is a very hot and creative story.
Ratings "The Camp Nurse"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Set Free by Slavery" by Baron Eros (baroneros@aol.com). The woman has
finally left her husband and has agreed to become the slave of her new
lover. As they ride toward the top of a high-rise building in a glass
elevator, the "master" decides to humiliate her sexually in front of an
audience. He stops the elevator between floors and molests her in ways
that appear to be degrading but also very arousing in the mind of the
woman. The rest of the people in the elevator serve as an interested
and aroused audience. "And though his eyes were hard, she could see the
love and adoration he held for her, his slave."
The story is clearly written and conveys an effective impact. Keep that
in mind, as I add the following analysis.
I don't mean to pick on this particular author. However, recent news
events have put the notion of "cults" in my mind. When I see on
television and read about 39 people who commit suicide because a cult
leader tells them that something good will happen to them, I can't help
feeling that there's something misguided about a person surrendering his
or her will to that of another. As I reread this story, I imagined that
the woman was joining a religious cult instead of entering a
slave/master relationship; and as far as I could see all I had to do was
change sexual behavior to quasi-religious beliefs, and the plot still
made perfect sense. A logical question arises: if cults are dumb ideas,
how are degrading slave relationships any better?
When I read a story, I like to be able to say to myself, "Yeah, that
makes sense." When I read about the San Diego cultists who killed
themselves in expectation of catching the next flight to paradise on a
spaceship following a comet, I said to myself, "I can understand why
they might have felt that way, but people like that are pathetic." The
cultists thought they were setting themselves free by turning their will
over to someone else. I feel sorry for people that think that way. I
got the same feeling from this story.
Actually, I think maybe I am a little too hard on the cultists. I
haven't heard their side of the story; maybe it's not all that stupid to
sign your life over to a guru who promises eternal salvation. But as I
read a story like this, I DO get an insight into what the author wants
me to believe is going on in the mind of the slave, and I can't help
reacting by feeling that she's being conned - she's losing a lot more
than she can possibly gain from the relationship.
Again, this is actually a pretty good story. I felt that I was able to
vicariously experience what was happening in the story, and I can't ask
for much more than that from an author. If the author is telling me
that this is a shallow person who THINKS she has been "set free" by
slavery, he has achieved his purpose. On the other hand, if he is
trying to tell me that this is a person who REALLY has been "set free"
by slavery, then he has not made his case to me as an intelligent
outsider. In the second case, other readers who are already into the
slavery myth and who simply want to see the slavery ritual repeated in a
unique setting will possibly enjoy this story; but if the author wants
to show outsiders like myself (and probably most other readers of this
newsgroup) that this person really has been set free in some legitimate
sense, then he has fallen short of making his point.
Ratings "Set Free by Slavery"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"The Ferris Wheel" by K. Reber (krreber@ix.netcom.com). The two lovers
go for a ride on the Ferris wheel, and the ride gets stuck while they're
at the top. Since she's not wearing her panties anyway, they make love,
right there in the open, with the chair swinging back and forth fifty
feet above the ground. Not quite the mile-high club, but still pretty
good. Is this really safe?
Ratings "The Ferris Wheel"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Yesterday" by Sven the Elder (warthog@boxtwo.com). The man and women,
who are both at least middle-aged, meet after not being together for a
long time. Her husband has recently passed away. They used to be
lovers, and they talk so long that the last train to the city has left,
and he has to stay overnight. Then nature takes its course.
Ratings "Yesterday"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Amazonia" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com) As in a scene from a B
movie, Tom Largent is kidnapped by a shady character, who forces Tom to
fly him to an island. After the bad guy parachutes to his apparent
demise, Tom himself is forced to crash land on a desolate island,
apparently somewhere in the general area of Polynesia. The unique
aspect of the island is that it appears to be occupied solely by women -
by women who require Tom to service them sexually. Is this an
adolescent's wet dream? Is this paradise? Well, at the very least it's
an extremely interesting story. I won't tell you any more details.
Read it yourself. This is another good story.
Ratings "Amazonia"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"I Learn to Think, or, Fun with Dick and Brain" by Estragon
(rgt@well.com). I nearly died laughing while I read this story. I have
never been an adolescent boy, but this HAS to be how they think when
they encounter the first intelligent and attractive female who has
authority over them. The story is written in the format of a journal
for a philosophy class - a class that discusses how people think.
Sounds boring; but it's not. The author comes up with some bizarre
insights that are so crazy that they simply MUST be true.
As I read the story I could see the philosophy course syllabus unfolding
in front of me. For example, the most likely reason a student would
compare his thinking about the TA to lumpy shadows on the wall of a cave
would be because he had just encountered that topic {Platonic images,
not TA's} in the course syllabus.
One interesting thought that is NOT explored in the story is the fact
that since the journal is written FOR Ms Altman, then she'll obviously
have to read what the writer has written; and it's fun to speculate
about what her reaction will be.
Incidentally, my favorite philosophical cartoon may be apropos here. It
shows a philosophy professor writing on the chalk board, "I think,
therefore I am." The student in the back row leans over and whispers to
the scholar next to him, "Oh, no! We don't even exist!" Think about
that one, Ms Altman! Then there's the graffiti from the library
restroom: "Coito, ergo suk." The general concept is probably true, but
it's bad Latin.
Ratings for "I Learn to Think"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Lynn" by Dirty Dawg (drambo@primenet.com). No offense to any of the
other authors, but at the time I first read it this was the BEST STORY I
had yet reviewed during my first six months of reviewing stories for
this newsgroup. It received my number 1 rating in my list of the Top 100
Stories of 1995.
After reading this story, I tracked down many other stories written by
this author (perhaps all of them). He has a distinctive style, and
there's a pattern to his stories. Almost always a guy screws up a
relationship and eventually redeems himself years later by coming to the
aid of the woman whom he has always loved deep down in his heart and
making sexy but tender love to her. If that sounds familiar, it's
because that basic plot is actually a combination of (1) typical TV and
movie romances plus (2) what you'd REALLY like the protagonists to do -
or what you assume in your perverted mind they do during the fade-outs.
If you like romance with your sex, read this story!
Ratings for "Lynn"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10