Celestial Reviews 164 - March 12, 1997
Note: Here are the Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare, as
reported on rec.humor:
15> "How about a little Puck?"
14> "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title.
I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."
13> "Et tu, Cutie?"
12> "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"
11> "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty
unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"
10> "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with
two backs?"
9> "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."
8> "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend
the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."
7> "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"
6> "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to
cast eyes upon thy beauty!"
5> "Greetings to you, fair sailor."
4> "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"
3> "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"
2> "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me
divine thy weight."
and the Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare...
1> "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."
Second Note: If you're looking for a really raunchy plot for your sex
story, your may want to have your characters break some laws or taboos.
Here are some ideas:
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting
or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife
so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to
take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or
holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown --
if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the
law!)
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have
twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when
a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love
on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they
are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex
unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset
inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered
body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up
from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two
minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while
they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van
has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you
can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio. A
man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with
a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Final Note: I have been experiencing troubles posting my entire reviews
with AOL. I am therefore asking someone else to post them for me.
Correspondence should still come to me at Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"At the Movies" by Duclinea (sex at the movies) 10, 10, 10
"An Evening Out" by Duclinea (heavy flirtation) 10, 10, 10
"Seinfeld: Elaine on the Internet/Pacific Rim-Job" by Unknown
Author (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
"Night" by Mark Aster (sex in the park) 10, 10, 10
* "Kachina" by Sue (sex in the great outdoors) 10, 10, 10
* "Bewitched: Long Lost Marilyn" by Shelby Bush (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
* "The Second Contest: A Smutty Seinfeld Story" by no one
(sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
* "The Brady Bunch" by Uncle Mike (sitcom orgy) 10, 9, 9
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"At the Movies" by Duclinea (Imdulcinea). The wife is bored with the
movie, but the husband refuses to leave. Since he won't go, she makes
him cum. It's as simple as that. This is a very short but very hot
story.
Ratings for "At the Movies"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"An Evening Out" by Duclinea (Imdulcinea). The wife starts to come on
to the husband before the party, and she keeps it up all during the
party, even making it difficult for him to carry on casual conversations
at the table. Eventually he can take it no more, and he follows her
into the bathroom and has his way with her. This is another very short
but very hot story.
Ratings for "An Evening Out"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Seinfeld: Elaine on the Internet/Pacific Rim-Job" by Unknown Author.
This one was listed simply seinfeld.txt with no author. It's a well-
done "script" for the Seinfeld TV show. Jerry, George, and Kramer have
been talking about sex on the Internet when they discover that Elaine
needs to learn how to give blow jobs in order to accompany her boss on a
trip to Thailand. By coincidence the guys have just uploaded to the
Internet all 36 of Jerry's pictures of Elaine giving him a blowjob. By
further coincidence Elaine's boss almost immediately finds the pictures
and asks Elaine to accompany him on the trip, since her newly identified
skills can help him get through customs. Unfortunately, Elaine is
really not good at giving head, and so she has to enlist the aid of all
her friends in order to develop her oral and anal skills. This is an
excellent parody!
Ratings for "Seinfeld: Elaine on the Internet/Pacific Rim-Job"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Night" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). This author has finally
returned to his familiar " My Friends the Allens" series. In this
episode Our Hero and Julie go for a walk in the park, while Pat sleeps
with the twins. In the park they notice the many lights in the
surrounding apartments and speculate about what the people in those
apartments might be doing. Julie describes the imagined sexual
activities of one couple while Our Hero makes love to her. As usual,
this author does an excellent job of blending two simultaneous love
scenes into one story.
Ratings for "Night"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Kachina" by Sue (SueNH@AOL.com). This is a story about a young woman
who travels by water and by hiking and mountain climbing to a beautiful
place in the remote wilderness and masturbates there before bedding down
for the night in a cave. (Sue adds a few details that make it more
interesting than my preceding sentence.) In the middle of the night she
is visited by a Kachina - an ancestral Anasazi spirit-god that had come
back to life. Hey! What can I say? You're going to read the
descriptions of the previous four stories, and then tell me that this
one is unrealistic just because a beautiful blonde woman has passionate
sex with a man old enough to be her ancestor who comes alive from a
painting on a cave wall? Believe what you will. I say, if Peter Pan
can have Tinkerbell and if the Greeks can have Zeus and Aphrodite, then
Sue can have her Kachina!
Sue does an excellent job of integrating the sexual activity with the
surroundings and even with a sensitivity to the ancient Native American
heritage. This was a very good story.
Ratings for "Kachina"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Bewitched: Long Lost Marilyn" by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com).
Listed in the postings as bewitched.txt, this is a repost of Shelby
Bush's story by that title. In my very young childhood I watched a
sitcom called "Bewitched," which told the story of Samantha, a lovely
witch who married Darrin Stephens without telling him of her special
powers. Those powers -- and Darrin's strange in-laws -- became evident
shortly after their wedding. The stories usually revolved around
Samantha resolving not to use her witchcraft, then Darrin ending up in a
jam (because of some stupid action on his part or a practical joke on
the part of one of Samantha's relatives), and Samantha coming to the
rescue. Like Samantha, I too had a secret when I married my husband -
my fondness for this sitcom. However, when I disclosed my aberration to
my husband shortly after he deflowered me, we discovered that it was
actually a mutual weakness. Let's just say that thanks to Nick at
Night, my husband no longer has to whack off to Elizabeth Montgomery
alone.
I was initially frustrated to discover that this story is not a
straightforward parody of "Bewitched" episode. Rather, it combines that
sitcom with elements of "The Munsters" and "The Addams Family." {This
same author has posted parodies of both of those shows, and perhaps
he'll repost them in connection with this story.} But then I discovered
that the story stood pretty well in its own right.
So anyway, Marilyn, the long-lost daughter of Serena (Samantha's twin
cousin), has been raised by Lilian and Herman Munster (because her
mother wanted her to have a normal environment), but was under a spell
that required her not to know about or use her magical powers until
after she lost her virginity. When she did lose her virginity, it was
with a jerk who just used her body to masturbate, then rolled over and
went to sleep. So she wished it hadn't happened. Of course, this meant
that she had regained her virginity and retained her powers - either a
pleasant or an unpleasant state of affairs, depending on how one looks
at it. And so it goes....
The story uses an excellent combination of voyeurism, magic, and cameo
appearances by people whose identity you'll sometimes have to infer to
integrate some really hot sex scenes into an imaginative plot.
Ratings for "Bewitched"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Second Contest: A Smutty Seinfeld Story" by no one
(noone@nowhere.com). Listed in the postings as simply seinfeld2.txt,
this story is actually written by no one. Really. Hence the confusion.
Anyway, George's girlfriend, Susan, has just recently died; and the guys
(Jerry, George, and Kramer) are sitting around the table in the
restaurant with Elaine, bragging about their sexual prowess. Elaine
offers to settle the question of which is best in the sack. They put up
money for a wager, and Elaine agrees to give them each one shot at her,
so that she can make a quality assessment. I won't tell you any more,
except to say that this dysfunctional group of friends performs about
the way you might expect.
The author does an excellent job in this parody of the Seinfeld
television sitcom. I hope we see more stories from him/her.
Ratings for "The Second Contest"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Brady Bunch" by Uncle Mike. (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu).
Listed in the postings simply as bradybunch.txt without an author, this
is actually a repost of Uncle Mike's story. It raises an interesting
question: "What kind of architect would make the six kids in his blended
family share one bathroom?"
The basic plot of this series centered around the minor problems the
three boys and three girls have getting along with each other. This
week's episode is no exception. While Bobby and Greg are raping Marcia
in the shower, she slips and accidentally impales her cunt on Peter's
rigid cock. Meanwhile, Greg loses his balance, and his penis
inadvertently slips firmly into Marcia's mouth. Imagine that. Stranger
things have happened on American sitcoms. This turns out to be such a
pleasant experience that Marcia simply has to share her pleasure with
her sister Jan. So she sends Cindy (who is to young for this sort of
thing) to sleep with Mom (and presumably with Dad) and then goes to work
on Jan. Soon we have Marcia sitting on Jan's face while one guy has a
cock buried in Jan's cunt and the other has his rammed down Marcia's
throat. Then Mom opens the door and catches them, but she just joins
in. That's how they all became the Brady Bunch. Sing along now: That's
how they all became the Brady Bunch - the Brady Bunch!
Ratings for "The Brady Bunch"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9