Celestial Reviews 160 - February 22, 1997
Note: It seems that AOL is so hung up on fixing its overload problem
that the organization is ignoring its persistent problem of truncating
stories sent to a.s.s. Eli (of alt.sex.stories.moderated) has been kind
enough to offer to post my stories for me, and so I'll simply send this
to him and ask him to repost it. I regret the delays this causes.
Please continue sending correspondence to me at celeste801@aol.com.
Second Note: I might add that alt.sex.stories.moderated is off to a
successful start. If you're looking for stories that are almost certain
to be actual stories (as opposed to spam), this is a good place to look.
The moderator does not try to guarantee that they are GOOD stories, but
I have found that I have reviewed about half of the stories that appear
there, and many of them are pretty good. I encourage authors whose
stories I review to post with alt.sex.stories.moderated. The address for
story submissions is <story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
- Celeste
"Personal Session" by David Matthews 2 (stripper sex) 9, 8, 8
"A New Scarf" by Dulcinea (romance & light bondage) 10, 10, 10
"Her Turn" by Dulcinea (romance & light bondage) 10, 10, 10
"Bewitched: Long Lost Marilyn" by Shelby Bush (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
"Slut Poems" by M Power (poetry) 8, 5, 5
"The Beaver Meets Mr. Ed" by Unknown Author (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
"A Fly on the Wall" by P. D. Michael (voyeurism) 10, 10, 10
"In Springtime" by Unknown Author (prose poetry) 7, 5, 5
"Sense of Hearing" by Peter Principle (HS reunion) 9.5, 9.5, 10
"Personal Session" by David Matthews 2 (dmatthew@ix.netcom.com). The
guy goes to a strip club, and after a brief show one of the girls offers
him a "private session." This private session, of course, involves very
pleasant sexual activities. The only thing this story has going for it
is the sexual activity - I mean, there are no philosophical insights,
crimes to solve, or commentary on the nature of male/female
relationships. As such, it's good, but not great. If you're a guy who
likes to fantasize about how good it would be to get sex in a private
session from a stripper, you may enjoy this story immensely.
Personally, I suspect that sex-for-pay with the typical stripper may not
be quite as good as this. But I guess that's what dreams are for!
Ratings for "Personal Session"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"A New Scarf" by Dulcinea (ImDulcinea@aol.com). The wife has a new
scarf, that the husband thinks is too long and, in fact, useless; but
she loves it. In a moment of inspiration, he finds a use for it: he
uses it to bind her hands and then proceeds to tease her deliciously,
while he fucks her brains out. Like most of this author's work, this is
a very short but very good story.
Ratings for "A New Scarf"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Her Turn" by Dulcinea (ImDulcinea@aol.com). This is a sequel to the
preceding story (A New Scarf). The wife watches her husband sleep
happily and thinks of a way to make him even happier. She ties him up
and teases him, while fucking his brains out. These two stories are
labeled "light bondage." Assuming that light bondage means that one
person immobilizes the other and takes charge in order to drive that
person out of his/her mind with sexual pleasure, I think I can see why
people like it so much.
Ratings for "Her Turn"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Bewitched: Long Lost Marilyn" by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com). In my
very young childhood I watched a sitcom called "Bewitched," which told
the story of Samantha, a lovely witch who married Darrin Stephens
without telling him of her special powers. Those powers -- and Darrin's
strange in-laws -- became evident shortly after their wedding. The
stories usually revolved around Samantha resolving not to use her
witchcraft, then Darrin ending up in a jam (because of some stupid
action on his part or a practical joke on the part of one of Samantha's
relatives), and Samantha coming to the rescue. Like Samantha, I too had
a secret when I married my husband - my fondness for this sitcom.
However, when I disclosed my aberration to my husband shortly after he
deflowered me, we discovered that it was actually a mutual weakness.
Let's just say that thanks to Nick at Night, my husband no longer has to
whack off to Elizabeth Montgomery alone.
I was initially frustrated to discover that this story is not a
straightforward parody of "Bewitched" episode. Rather, it combines that
sitcom with elements of "The Munsters" and "The Addams Family." {This
same author has posted parodies of both of those shows, and perhaps
he'll repost them in connection with this story.} But then I discovered
that the story stood pretty well in its own right.
So anyway, Marilyn, the long-lost daughter of Serena (Samantha's twin
cousin), has been raised by Lilian and Herman Munster (because her
mother wanted her to have a normal environment), but was under a spell
that required her not to know about or use her magical powers until
after she lost her virginity. When she did lose her virginity, it was
with a jerk who just used her body to masturbate, then rolled over and
went to sleep. So she wished it hadn't happened. Of course, this meant
that she had regained her virginity and retained her powers - either a
pleasant or an unpleasant state of affairs, depending on how one looks
at it. And so it goes....
The story uses an excellent combination of voyeurism, magic, and cameo
appearances by people whose identity you'll sometimes have to infer to
integrate some really hot sex scenes into an imaginative plot.
Ratings for "Bewitched"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Slut Poems" by M Power (mpower@nbn.com). These are nasty poems that
the author proclaims to be MF, oral, anal, and groupsex imitations of
Dr. Seuss. Actually, Dr. Seuss writes much better and possibly more
erotically. These poems are simple doggerel - bad poetry with little
point. On the other hand, maybe if you want to avoid the possibility
that your true love will focus more on the poetry you recite during
foreplay than on your fumbling endeavors, there could be some merit to
these poems.
On a personal note, one of the advantages of being married to an English
teacher is that I occasionally let my husband Count the Ways while I
recite Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
Ratings for "Slut Poems"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"The Beaver Meets Mr. Ed" by Unknown Author (Red Dragon Repost). The
gist of this story can be summarized in the following cryptic
conversation:
"Wh-, What are we gonna do, Wally?"
Wally stared thoughtfully at the corpse.
"Aw, Beave, I don't know", he said timidly, "I mean we can't just go and
tell Mrs. Mondello that her son got raped to death by a rabid horse at
the circus!"
This story reads just like a sexually-enhanced episode of "Leave It to
Beaver." Of course, it's not very realistic, because that show didn't
have a talking horse, nor did the fathers of Mayfield usually punish
their children by sodomizing them. Such considerations aside, this is a
really funny story. It even includes this gem near the end:
"You look fine, Beave, but just don't breathe on Mom. You've got horse
cum on your breath."
Ratings for "The Beaver Meets Mr. Ed"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Fly on the Wall" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). Two beautiful
librarians were painting the condominium that they shared. Because it
was hot and because they were hot for each other, they were naked. The
intercom buzzed, and the doorman said they had a visitor. When they
asked who it was, he answered, "A blind man." Being very chaste women,
they would normally have gotten dressed before letting a caller into the
room, but since the guy was blind, they just said, "Send him up!" and
continued with their work. When they heard a knock at the door, one of
them swung the door open in her naked splendor, and the young man gawked
at them, and a tent suddenly appeared in his pants. When he recovered
his voice, he asked, "Where do you ladies want these venetian blinds?"
That joke was originally about nuns, but I decided to give nuns and the
Amish a break this week.
The present story is about a blind woman. A young voyeurist takes
advantage of her blindness and sneaks inside her apartment, so that he
can gaze upon her naked beauty without her knowing that he is there -
like a fly on her wall. The woman masturbates in front of him. {I
suppose maybe that's how she got to be blind.} Well, she figures out
that he's there {the guy was so horny that even I could smell his precum
across cyberspace}, but she doesn't get upset. Instead, she invites him
to have passionate sex with her. It's a very good story, but not quite
as good as my librarian joke.
Ratings for "A Fly on the Wall"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"In Springtime" by Unknown Author (THC Archives). This passage of
poetic prose appears to have been written by e.e. cummings on a day when
he had a headache and was more confused than usual. I'm sure it makes
sense of some sort, but you possibly have to be high on whatever the
author was using in order to appreciate it. There's no overt sex, at
least none that I could notice; but in a strange way this very short
story is interesting - or maybe not.
Ratings for "In Springtime"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Sense of Hearing" by Peter Principle (THC Archives). Peter is
attending the 20-year reunion of his high school class. Look! It's
Becky, his true love, who moved away clear across the country but looks
as good as ever and whose husband has stayed at home in Seattle. She
drops by his hotel room to discuss old times....
It's a good story - even though Becky's hair color changes drastically
between the first and fiftieth paragraphs. When they eventually make
love, they can hear a former classmate making it with her husband in the
next room; and this auditory voyeurism makes the story a little sexier
(hence the title of the story). Becky's mother always told her that she
would be happier if I she waited to have sex - and 20 years seems to be
a proper amount of time. This sort of thing could become habit forming
- unless her husband decides to come to the fortieth reunion.
Ratings for "Sense of Hearing"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10