Celestial Reviews 151 - January 22, 1997
Note: I have been unable to post this issue correctly. I think (but am
not certain) that AOL is at fault. Since AOL's e-mail still works, I am
going to send this issue and the next to another person, who will try to
post it. Correspondence should still come to me at Celeste801@aol.com.)
Second Note: Many people have expressed interest in the 801 in my AOL
address. I used to reply that I tried to get just plain Celeste but
that was already taken and the computer suggested Celeste801. Nobody
believes that story, so here's the real reason. We'll approach it
backwards, which is a lot easier to understand.
1. First, you SUBTRACT 666 (the number of the Antichrist) from 801,
which gives you 135
(801 - 666 = 135)
You subtract, of course, because most sex stories are GOOD, not EVIL
(hence, subtract 666).
2. Then you ADD 69 (the most popular number in sex stories) to 135,
which gives you 204.
(135 + 69 = 204)
You add, of course, because most of the stories I review ARE sexy.
3. Then you subtract the value corresponding to all the Roman numerals.
C and L are the only Roman numerals, and CL is 150.
(204 - 150 = 54)
The reason for doing this may be obvious to you, but I consider it to be
a secret.
4. After C and L have been removed, only E E S T E are left. There
are 3 E's, and E is the Fifth letter of the alphabet. Three times five
is fifteen. In addition, S is the 19th letter of the alphabet and T the
20th. Nineteen plus twenty equals thirty-nine. If we subtract 39 from
54, we get (incredibly enough) 15. Fifteen is exactly the number of
stories I put on my Top Fifteen Stories List each month. More
importantly the digits in 69 add up to 15. In addition, at the time I
started writing these stories 15 was the record for the number of times
my husband and I had engaged in sexual activities that gave at least one
of us an orgasm within any single week (a seven-day period, not
necessarily Sunday through Saturday, which would have yielded 12 and
ruined this whole computation. However, if we count only occasions when
we BOTH had an orgasm during a continuous sexual encounter, the seven-
day record would have been 12, which {now that I think about it} was set
on December 12 somewhere around midnight during the 12th month of our
marriage. I think you can see where this line of reasoning is going.)
So that's why I'm Celeste801. This wouldn't work with any number other
than 801.
- Celeste
"The Farmer's Daughter" by Ramapo (sex down on the farm)
9.5, 10, 10
"Chastity" by Radchick (rape) 5, 3, 3
"Angela" by Friar Dave (emerging adolescence) 10, 10, 10
"Ghost: The Long Goodbye" by Unknown Author
(ghostly sex) 4, 3, 3
"Removing the Chocolate" by Rajah Dodger (food and
kinky sex) 10, 8, 8
"The Nun's Dream" by Unknown Author (oral and anal
sex with a nun) 7, 5, 5
"Castaways" by Dafney DeWitt (recycling sex) 10, 10, 10
"Penthouse Forum Letter" by Great Big Uncle Jim (Penthouse
Forum Letter) 10, 6, 9
"Heather and Hamlet" by Nevyn (voyeurism & bestiality)
9, 10, 10
"Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies) 10, 10, 10
"Call It Even Someday" by P. D. Michael (blackmail & revenge)
9.5, 7, 8
* "Stake Out" by P. D. Michael (outdoor sex) 10, 9, 9
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted).
"The Farmer's Daughter" by Ramapo (pjchris@cpcug.org). The author sent
a note with this story (which is listed as TFD in the postings), stating
that he had missed the deadline for my Third Annual Writing Contest but
would submit this story anyway. Thinking I should review it before you
forgot what that contest was all about, I read it right away. Some guys
will do anything to get a story reviewed! The story actually has
nothing to do with my contest, but it's a very good story.
Discontented with life, dissatisfied with the fast track to success in
the business world, the narrator has gone for a relaxing drive in the
country, but the car has broken down in a secluded area. Seeking help,
the narrator meets the farmer and the farmer's beautiful and talented
young daughter. The daughter has an interesting way to reward her horse
for good behavior, but I don't think it constitutes bestiality. The
attraction between the narrator and the farmer's daughter is obvious,
and then we have a surprise ending that I cannot discuss with you. It's
difficult to make a sudden twist like this ending consistent with the
previous plot, but this author carries off the surprise and the
necessary logic very effectively.
Ratings for "The Farmer's Daughter"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Chastity" by Radchick (radr0x0rs@aol.com) Playa is a guy who
hates Chastity, because she's always trying to break up the
relationship between himself and his girlfriend, whose name is
Whore. Later, everybody marries everybody else, and they all live
happily ever after. I think this is a morality play without a
moral. It's convoluted and weird.
Ratings for "Chastity"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Angela" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com). Friar Dave is a little
hard to figure out. Some of his stories show us that pushing kids into
early sex can be really bad for them. Other stories, like this one,
demonstrate that a young girl can have a great time with no ill effects
by making it with an older man. This is a really hot, sexy story. Now
I'm going to discuss the legal. ethical, and personal issues. I'll try
to be interesting, but if you don't want to read that part, skip to the
ratings, which say that this is an excellent story.
Would I like to have had Angela's experience when I was 12 years old?
Actually, no; but I was a different type of kid. But would I like to
have been like Angela and then have had this experience. Yes, I have to
admit it sounds really neat: my first sexual with an experienced guy who
cared about me and thrilled me to consecutive orgasms while he teaches
me how to make tender love to him - what's there not to like?
Would I like my daughters to have Angela's experience? Again, in the
context described in the previous paragraph - why would I want to keep
them from this kind of pleasure and growth experience?
The problem is that real life does not match fantasy. In the movies
there are car chases in which cars routinely zoom down crowded sidewalks
and nobody gets hurt. Those are exciting car chases and interesting
fantasies; but in real life police departments have rules about "hot
pursuit," because they know that innocent people would be killed or
injured if they did what the cops do in the movies. It's the same with
sexual stories; we need to differentiate between fantasy and real life.
Lots of kids who start having sex when they are twelve find that they
can't stop it once they have started and wind up with seriously
dysfunctional lifestyles. I've discussed this in my review of "Marie,"
and I won't repeat that discussion here.
So my advice to my daughters is to stay away from dirty old men and not
to seduce the nice men they meet. On the other hand, they can fantasize
all they want. Likewise, had I not been religiously repressed, I wish I
would have had fantasies like this back when I was twelve.
What's a guy supposed to do if a nice, cute kid comes into his house and
innocently wiggles her ass in front of his nose? He should be friendly
and persuasive and do whatever it takes to decline the opportunity.
Really. He should consider the possibility of either discussing the
matter with the child's parents or encouraging her to see a counselor.
Really. He should in the future avoid placing himself in compromising
positions. Then he should go off by himself and either jerk off, visit
his adult lover, or take a cold shower - or maybe write a hot story for
this newsgroup. Really.
{Parenthetically, even though I enjoyed this story and gave it high
ratings, I would probably prosecute an adult who would conduct himself
this way with my underage daughter. It wouldn't be an automatic
reaction. I'd look at the facts of the actual situation, but I agree
with the notion that 12-year-olds who say they want to have sex with an
adult are usually not responsible for their actions, whereas the adult
is.}
Ratings for "Angela"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Ghost: The Long Goodbye" by Unknown Author. The guy has died in
an auto accident; but as his spirit leaves the body, it decides to
stop off and say good-bye to Rachel, his one true love.
Unfortunately, when the ghost scoots into Rachel's window, she is
making love to someone else. So he goes into the other guy's body
and has sex with Rachel, but he finds this experience to be
unsatisfactory; and so he goes back to the hospital and enters the
body of a woman who looks like Rachel and makes love to an insipid
intern. Then he goes into somebody else's body and calls Rachel on
the telephone and tells her to come on down to the hospital,
because he's dying. She comes, but he isn't dying after all, and
she remembers him making love to her in the other guy's body, but
then he dies. I think.
My impression is that there's a creative idea in here someplace, but
it's hardly worth the trouble to look for it. Authors should proofread
and polish their stories a little bit before they post them.
Ratings for "Ghost: The Long Goodbye"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Removing the Chocolate" by Rajah Dodger (rdodger@mailmasher.com).
A brief prologue refers to "another encounter," which I presume
occurred in another story. Since I don't know what that story is,
however, I have evaluated this as a stand-alone story. I hesitate
to call anyone's sexual preferences kinky - but I can think of no
more suitable word for what happens in this story.
The guy comes home from an encounter with another woman with his
cock encased in chocolate. His wife is a good sport about it and
with the help of a couple of ice cubes and the family cat goes
about removing the chocolate. I didn't know that cats liked
chocolate. Interesting!
Ratings for "Removing the Chocolate"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"The Nun's Dream" by Unknown Author. In this story one young nun
spies on another who is having oral and anal sex with a stranger.
Geoffrey Chaucer wrote a similar story called "The Nun's Priest
Tale." Actually, it's not similar at all; but how many of you
remember Chaucer? Chances are that Chaucer's story will outlast
this one.
As the self-proclaimed defender of minority groups who have no
other advocates on this newsgroup (only nuns and the Amish, as far
as I know), I would like to reiterate that the stories about lewd
nuns are mostly apocryphal. I checked with my friend who is an ex-
nun. She verified my insight that nuns have many bad habits <g>,
but very few nuns actually give head to potential donors. Besides,
most nuns are about 400 years old. She hastened to point out that
things may be different in Rome, where the Vatican officials have
more direct control over their nuns.
Ratings for "The Nun's Dream"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Castaways" by Dafney DeWitt (ii361@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). The
author tells us that this is a story for ecology freaks. It shows
what might go wrong if environmental ethics were allowed to creep
into our sex lives.
In spite of her affair with him, Jennifer has been dumped by her boss.
She's angry, but she does not to hurt the woman who has replaced her in
the boss's life. She even feels sympathy for Bart's newest conquest,
knowing how he will use and discard her. But she wants to hurt Bart.
She wants to hurt him bad, but she needs a plan. And so, with insights
gleaned from the author's introduction and from my own evil mind, I
decided to guess what that plan would be. Jennifer will seduce the
boss's wife, who actually owns the company, and will use her new-found
power to humiliate her former boss by turning him into her sex slave.
Well, I was close - Deirdre trained me well. But in spite of my feeling
that I knew what was going to happen, the rest of the story certainly
held my attention, and I was surprised at the ending. This is a good
story by a very good author.
Ratings for "Castaways"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Penthouse Forum Letter" by Great Big Uncle Jim
(coolguy3@ix.netcom.com). Initially I skipped past this story, but then
curiosity got the best of me. Some people read this newsgroup for its
jerk-off value; some people read Penthouse for the same reason. In
addition, most readers of both sources are primarily interested in good
literature. So what could be more natural than a comparison of the two
sources? And so, I decided to review this story, which allegedly
appeared in Penthouse Forum under the title NOT ENOUGH TIT-FUCKING SEX
IN "FORUM."
After a prologue in which the 37-year-old male chides the journal for
its paucity of stories that focus on mammary (or inter-mammary) contact,
the author gets to his point: the nearly beatific experience he and his
lady (who has a killer ass and 38DD-25-37 accouterments) experienced the
night before, when they got naked together after two long weeks of
separation, without ANY sexual activity whatsoever. Well, let me tell
you - there was kissing, licking, sucking and jiggling and more cumming
than when the cows come home in Iowa. And there was and squeezing,
tickling, screaming, creaming, and jiggling, and his cock became harder
than steel and was drooling uncontrollably like the dog on that
commercial where the lady puts the kibbles and bits right there in the
bowl in front of the hungry little critter. And there was holding and
grasping and cupping and sliding and hammering (of the heart, that is -
kinda like those violent palpitations Aunt Bea or her friend Clara used
to get when somebody didn't like their preserves) and pulsating, until
finally the lady says, "Fuck my big, hot tits, baby!" And then she said
some things you don't hear in church and not even in most barber shops
or beauty salons. And that's just what he does! He fucks her big, hot
tits, baby! And then she squeezes her sumptuous breasts together,
completely smothering his cock and balls with the slick, warm, soft
nakedness of her stiff-nippled breasts! And - can you believe it - they
sell this magazines at airports, and guys sit right there on airplanes
and read this kind of stuff while they sit there three abreast - if
you'll pardon the expression - right there between maybe a nun and a
school marm; and they read this stuff and probably shoot their jism all
over the inside of their underpants (if they're wearing any) or maybe
even pull their sex organ out and shoot it under the blanket that they
borrow from the nun or school marm or maybe even a virgin cheerleader
with big tits herself who is on her way to bible camp; and these other
people would just blithely be reading their bibles or saying their
prayers or maybe trying to think of a new mantra; and they would be
horrified to know what this man is reading on the magazine that he has
hidden so carefully inside the copy of Time or New Yorker or Computer
Shopper that he bought to hide the good stuff inside of. And wouldn't
it be really funny if the nun or the school marm asked to borrow the New
Yorker and the guy would give her the Penthouse magazine by mistake and
would get all flustered and would expose himself to her right there and
she would look down and say, "That's quite a muttondagger you have
there, young man!" and then go back to her bible or her prayers or her
mantra.
Wow! I think I'm going to pretend that all of this really happened and
send it to the Penthouse Forum. I'll tell them that I really like their
magazine and especially the letters in the forum, but I'll say that they
never have anything about what really happens on airplanes, and then
I'll tell them what happened to me (but not really, but they won't know
that).
In short, the grammar and style were pretty good - the editors at
Penthouse proofread better than most of our authors. On the other hand,
the "plot" was pretty lame. I mean, I made up an almost equally good
plot just about as fast as I could type the words in this review (with
one hand, of course). As for sexual stimulation and prurient interest -
I think I might have shortchanged this letter in this regard. Had I not
gotten irritated by the stereotypical structure of the "letter" I might
actually have found it quite arousing. In fact, I'm sure I would have.
So, if you have access to a computer and modem, stick with
alt.sex.stories. Download them to your laptop's hard disk when you
travel, and save the five bucks that you'd pay for the magazine. Many
of the newsgroup authors right better stories than this. On the other
hand, I understand that some airlines make travelers turn the laptop off
during major parts of the flight, and so the ole Penthouse may still
come in handy.
Ratings for "Penthouse Forum Letter"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Heather and Hamlet" by Nevyn (MCG@bartra.demon.co.uk). The
narrator has work to do on his computer, and he seriously proclaims
that nothing that Heather can do will pull him away from his
disciplined effort to get the work done. Well, maybe not Heather
alone; but what about Heather plus Hamlet? That's a formidable
combination, even if Hamlet is a large dog. The spectacle of
Heather and Hamlet sixty-nining at his feet eventually evokes a
mountainous protrusion that makes it difficult for the narrator to
balance his laptop in his lap any longer. And so the narrator
gives up, sets his work aside, and joins the frolic - even though
Heather's most interesting aperture is thoroughly occupied by the
Great Dane. I GUESS this is possible.
Ratings for "Heather and Hamlet"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com). The man is
sitting in his office, watching the consultant finish up her work at the
computer. The company makes screen savers, and he doesn't know for sure
whether she is testing his in-house version, which contains embedded
erotic events <g>. He also can't help thinking about the doorknob in
her hotel room and the wonderful things the consultant might do to
herself before or after a shower. Eventually, he confronts her on the
elevator with a mild sexual innuendo. For the denouement, you'll have
to read this delightful story yourself.
Ratings for "Christmas Break"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Call It Even Someday" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). The
narrator's sister-in-law, Cheryl, is a snotty bitch who always puts him
down in front of other people. An opportunity to gain revenge arises
when he happens to see her with another man. He gives her the impression
that he has tapes of their romp at the motel, and the blackmail project
is underway. So he has sex with her and humiliates her and lives
happily ever after. It's a pretty good (but not quite complete) story.
Ratings for "Call It Even Someday"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Stake Out" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). Some guys who have
been long-time friends take their wives camping in Algonquin Park in
Ontario. One day they play a game where each of the wives is taken to a
secluded spot in a game of hostage. She is blindfolded and tied to a
stake. The wife who relates this story is pleasantly surprised when her
husband returns and starts to fondle her. Just prior to entry, the
blindfolded woman realizes that it's not her husband after all!
Ratings for "Stake Out"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
CELESTIAL VOCABULARY: A reader has offered the following insights to
further clarify the distinction between ASSUAGE and AMELIORATE. Similar
discussions are always welcome.
(1) Were you in a monogamous relationship and separated from your
partner by a great distance, you might resort to masturbation (unusual
as that would be for a reader of a.s.s) to ameliorate you enforced
celibacy. You might resort to masturbation to assuage your lust. It
would neither ameliorate your lust nor assuage your celibacy, however.
That is, changing an exterior situation can ameliorate _that
situation_ and can _assuage_ a need or desire.
(2) The dictionary will tell you that "ameliorate" means "make
better." That is it's derivation, certainly. But "ameliorate" is only
used in cases of making a bad situation less bad in my reading of
authors I respect. "Assuage" can apply to complete satisfaction. (Had
my dictionary not directly contradicted me, I would have said that
"assuage" could _only_ apply to complete satisfaction.)
If an adolescent male in the habit of daily masturbation were to
break both his arms, Mark Aster's Julie Allen might assuage his needs by
making ingenious and sensuous love to him. (Free plot for Mark. C'mon
Mark we miss you!) Most of us would not regard that as _amelioration_
of his situation, however. Most of us would regard that as the anteroom
to heaven.