Celestial Reviews 150 - January 18, 1997

Note:  Ah, distinctly I remember.  It was in the bleak December.  In my 
guileless lethargy I blithely decided to combine work with play and proclaimed 
the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest.  I wasn't credulous enough to 
believe that more than two or three people would enter.

The basic idea was that authors had to use a specified set of words in a 
really good story.  My theory was that irascible students who are typically 
put off by more mundane approaches to vocabulary instruction would easily 
become adept users of these words.

Response has been overwhelming!  It's refreshing to realize that the creative 
hedonists who spend their time on this newsgroup are not impervious to public 
service.  Some of the stories were submitted by prolific authors whose names 
we have seen often in this newsgroup, other authors appear here for the first 
time.

The most egregious omission from the entries is the failure of Grammaticus to 
submit a poem containing all the words.

I see an incipient educational revolution taking place here.  I am confident 
that any intelligent person reading these stories will (a) not suffer and (b) 
learn these words.  Certainly, not all eight stories would be necessary.  In 
an academic setting, the best way to use these stories might be to show 
students the list of words and their definitions (and perhaps discuss 
interesting aspects of the words), then let the students read the first three 
or four stories, then give the vocabulary test.  The rest of the stories could 
be sprinkled throughout the rest of the semester, so that the students could 
review and retain them.  Assuming we wanted to teach, say 2000 words rather 
than a mere 20, we would obviously need 800 stories; but hey, that's what 
libraries (and the Web) are for!

{Actually, the best way to teach these words would be to tell the students 
that the stories are available, and then FORBID them to read such disgusting 
trash.}

When I first looked at the list of words I had selected, I thought maybe I had 
made the task too difficult.  I could imagine incipient orgasms and perhaps 
constricting cunt muscles and a relaxed lethargy after sex, but most of these 
words appeared to be completely unrelated to sexual activity.

But the authors rose to the challenge.  Perhaps the most mundanely creative 
was the author who used this disclaimer:  "The following three stories contain 
the words acerbic, adept, ameliorate, apocryphal, assuage, blithe, constrict, 
credulous, dilatory, egregious, fatuous, guile, hedonism, impervious, 
incipient, irascible, lethargy, mundane, prolific, and redundant.  If these 
words offend you, or if you are not old enough to read these words in your 
community, then don't read any further."

{Incidentally, "mundanely creative" is a genuine oxymoron.  The phrases that 
appear as "oxymorons" on talk shows and joke pages - military intelligence, 
cultured Canadian, sexy engineer, etc. - are jokes.  By claiming that these 
are oxymorons, the speaker or jokester is making a satirical comment about the 
military, Canadians, or engineers.  A real oxymoron describes the tension in a 
situation: "Parting is such sweet sorrow" means that it is paradoxically both 
pleasant and unpleasant to say good-bye to a loved one.  If we describe a 
person as possessing intelligent stupidity, we might mean that he is looking 
so hard at the abstract aspects of a problem that he is missing the obvious 
point - or we might mean that a person who is considered really stupid by 
everyone around him is using his common sense so well that he is more 
intelligent than others.  By saying that this writer was mundanely creative, I 
meant that his approach was simultaneously simple and surprising. But enough 
of these dilatory ramblings! We had better get back to the stories.}

As I began to read these stories, I realized they were all excellent.  In 
order to make my decisions make sense, I decided to tighten up the ratings a 
little.  If I gave all the stories straight 10s, how could I account for the 
winner?  And so, maybe a side benefit of this contest will be an improvement 
in the rating system.

THE WINNER IS: "Susan" by Uther Pendragon.  It was an extremely close choice 
between this and one other story.  I won't give the name of the other story, 
so that all the other authors can assume that they almost won.  Thanks to 
everyone who entered.  We got some really excellent stories from this contest.

READERS' CHOICE:  Since there were so many good stories this time, I found it 
difficult to select my winner.  I'd like to get input from readers.  If you 
have time, send me a vote stating which of these stories you think was best 
and a brief comment explaining your selection.  Or, if you prefer, write a 
note to the author whose story you prefer and tell him/her why you think 
he/she got shafted by Celeste.  Also, if you have ideas for a topic format for 
the Fourth Annual Celestial Writing Contest, I am open to suggestions.  Don't 
worry; I live in my own little world and I don't have to wait another year for 
my next "annual" contest.

- Celeste

      "Susan" by Uther Pendragon (hot but poignant hedonism) 
            10, 10, 10
      "Whitewash" by Tom Bombadil (blackmail & sex slavery)
             9.5, 9, 8
      "Three Variations on a Theme" by OddManOut (variety) 9.5, 8, 8
      "Adventures on the Oregon Trail" by Rhett Dreams (sex
            in the wild west) 9.5, 10, 10
      "After Hours" by hamlet (shoe store sex) 10, 10, 10
      "Parking" by The Englishman (emerging adolescence) 10, 10, 10
      "Lady Distressed" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (chivalrous romance)
            10, 10, 10
      "A Night Out" by Taylor Norton (strip joint sex) 9, 10, 10
      "Amy the Dark Part 1: Payback" by Daniel Rabe (incest & revenge) 
            7, 7, 7

"Susan" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  I think what we have here 
could be entitled "Everyman's Wet Dream"; but it's also a poignant story.  The 
narrator stumbles upon a beautiful woman who essentially believes that each 
person should seek his or her own pleasure, but seek it by offering pleasure 
to others in exchange.  Susan brings Joe to heights of pleasure he has never 
experienced before.  The poignant part is that Joe eventually falls in love 
with Susan and wants an exclusive relationship; but exclusivity is not part of 
her repertoire.

Even taken in isolation, this is one hot story.  But what amazes me to the 
point of incredulity is that this story is written by the same person who has 
been posting the Bob and Jeanette Brennan stories.  I think this level of 
versatility is wonderful.  As I read a Bob and Jeanette story, I say to 
myself, "This author really understands simple, monogamous passion."  As I 
read the present story, I say to myself, "This author really understands 
hedonism."  This same author has written about an exploitive guerrilla officer 
in "Duty"; and "Wagtail" contained bestiality, incest, and rape, but was just 
a good, creative story.  This kind of versatility is wonderful.

Ratings for "Susan"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
 
"Whitewash" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com).  Jane and her husband 
have fallen on hard times financially.  She has padded expense accounts 
to make ends meet.  But now the boss has found out, and it's time to pay 
the piper.  In his prologue this author states that he was trying to 
imitate Deirdre's style with this story.  Now, if you're ever a character 
in a Deirdre-style story and somebody asks you to promise to do without 
question everything he says, remember to "just say no," unless the idea 
of sex slavery sounds attractive to you.  In the context of the present 
Writing Contest, an _acerbic_ "No way, Jose!" might be in order.  In 
preparation for the Fourth Writing contest, Jane is more amenable to 
persuasion.  So anyway, our fallen heroine, overcome by blackmail, 
submits to the evil intentions of Dick Small.  That's right, Dick Small.

Jane concludes that if she has no choice in the matter she might as well 
enjoy the coercive sex with her boss and with Cindy Darling, whom the 
boss imposes on her.  And so she does begin to enjoy it. An unexpected 
benefit of the sexual slavery with the boss is an amazing amelioration of 
her sex life with her husband.  Jane also develops a close relationship 
with Cindy.  The story has a bit of a surprise ending; so I don't want to 
tell you any more about the plot.

This was a good story, but in comparison to some of the other contest 
entries, the plot developed too slowly.  In fact, the plot is not nearly 
as well developed and to the point as was this author's "Chosen," which I 
reviewed last week. 

Ratings for "Whitewash"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Three Variations on a Theme" by OddManOut (oddman0ut@hotmail.com).  What we 
have here is a set of three unrelated very short stories, each of which fits 
the requirement of using the specified vocabulary words.  Two out of the three 
also include good writing advice.  The first story focuses on Pam and Sandy 
getting it on together while they discuss using "sexier" words in Sandy's 
advertising copy.  The final story presents a lad who is caught reading a porn 
magazine when he should be studying vocabulary words, and the kindly teacher 
locks him into a room with the stories from a contest much like this one (but 
with lower-quality stories) for his reading assignment.  In between we have a 
light-hearted mind control story, in which the local geek has acquired from an 
ancient tome mysterious powers to control cheerleaders.

This story falls a bit short of the winner with regard to both (1) accuracy of 
word usage and (2) coherence of the plots.  These are three good stories - 
just not good enough to win the prize.  My biased opinion is that the plot of 
the third story has great potential; and if there is a similar Fourth 
Celestial Writing Contest the author should develop that plot into a real 
masterpiece.

Ratings for "Three Variations on a Theme"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Adventures on The Oregon Trail" by Rhett Dreams (Rhettxxoo@aol.com).  Josh is 
a teenage scout for a wagon train headed from Missouri to Oregon.  What he 
learns about sex from the experienced widow Claire he applies to the much 
younger Shelly as they grow closer during their dangerous trek.  The sex is 
very hot, and it occurs within a realistic pioneer setting.  As the author 
states in the epilogue, this is the beginning of a longer story about this 
group of sexy settlers.

This author writes extremely well.  Aside from the engrossing story, I also 
appreciated his choice of words.  On a few occasions his use of the "contest" 
words seemed a bit artificial - but hey! this is an artificial contest.  It's 
his choice of non-contest words that I admired.  On the other hand, the author 
made silly but irritating errors with simpler words - for example, past for 
passed - which could have been corrected through more careful proofreading.

Ratings for "Adventures on the Oregon Trail"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"After Hours" by hamlet (brian@ISI.EDU).  Mark is selling shoes and Susan is 
on the make.  She tries on shoes till closing time. Then after hours, she 
captures him and gives him the ride of his life.  It's very hot sex - if such 
a thing is possible in a shoe store.

An interesting aspect of this story is that it uses the word "apocryphal" 
perfectly - with reference to the stories Mark had heard about Susan pulling a 
train in the men's restroom.  In fact, were I to base first prize completely 
on word choice, this one might be the winner.  It's an excellent story!

Ratings for "After Hours"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Parking" by The Englishman (Eskilton@aol.com).  Julie and her boyfriend have 
been parking and necking, and Phil goes too far.  Julie is upset not so much 
over Phil's ejaculation as over her loss of control, the inconvenience, and 
her need to explain to her father why she has walked home without a purse.  We 
get a surprise ending, but if I told you any more about it, it wouldn't be a 
surprise, would it?

Because my database is seriously corrupted, I cannot check my records 
carefully; but my recollection is that The Englishman has most often written 
incest stories.  This is a departure from that pattern, and it's a very good 
story.  I like this level of flexibility.

Ratings for "Parking"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Lady Distressed" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (mohanraj@mills.edu).  Jane (or Janet) 
has been persuaded to go to one of those Medieval Faires, where her date has 
abandoned her for greener pastures - or, more specifically, for a lass in a 
red skirt in a haystack.  One of the courtly workers comforts Jane, and soon 
she no longer begrudges her date his greener pastures.

This story is not nearly as dorky as I have made it sound.  It's really 
fascinating.  I'd call it charming, but then all you macho readers would stay 
away from it.  Instead I'll point out that it has hot sex in a really 
interesting context.  

In addition, the author blends the vocabulary words seamlessly.  In many of 
the other stories the "big words" jumped out at me as unusual; but in this 
story they blended in with other equally sophisticated words and invariably 
expressed exactly the meaning that the author intended.

Ratings for "Lady Distressed"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"A Night Out" by Taylor Norton (jocon@tiac.net).  This is a strange story - a 
really strange story.  The guy comes into a strip joint and seems determined 
to get really drunk, while remaining aloof from the dancers and waitresses.  
Eventually he is attracted to a very sensuous Mexican dancer.  He gets carried 
away, and a brutal bar fight follows.  The actual sex is minimal, but the 
reader is left with a vivid impression of some mysterious events in a decadent 
but erotic atmosphere.

The author's style reminds me of good detective stories; and the atmosphere of 
the stories reminds me of Wollstonecraft at his best.  The only thing wrong 
with this story is that it's poorly proofread - occasional apostrophes instead 
of plurals and that sort of thing.  Ignore the mistakes and enjoy the story.  
I hope this author writes some more stories.

Ratings for "A Night Out"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Amy the Dark Part 1: Payback" by Daniel Rabe (aquilada@mail.dial-up.net).  
This story was inspired by the Writing Contest.  Although the author did not 
manage to work all the words into the story and although it is not quite 
complete, I thought I should review it in this issue of CR anyway.  

This is a vivid description of a young girl killing her parents after the 
father has raped her and the mother has done nothing to intervene.  The rape 
itself (described in a flashback).is realistic, but not sexy.  The author's 
commendable goal seems to be to set people straight who think that kiddy-rape 
is a lot of fun.  Actually, most people who believe in child incest would 
probably reply that it doesn't happen this way - kids who have sex with their 
parents do so "freely," and both they and their parents have a good ole time.  
The author needs to sharpen this angle.  I recommend that he read and imitate 
some of the Michael K. Smith stories (such as "Justice") that focus on this 
topic.

The author _begins_ by announcing that this is a story about the real effects 
of incestuous rape.  The first thing I would do would be to omit that warning; 
the author would achieve his impact more effectively if he simply told the 
story with no preamble.  In addition, the entire story needs a careful 
proofreading to eliminate some fairly obvious grammatical errors.  

This story possesses the kernel of a good idea.  It's not finished yet, and 
the author acknowledges that.  My hope is that rather than just adding words 
to "finish" the story, the author will revise the whole thing while bringing 
it to completion.

Ratings for "Payback"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7



CELESTIAL VOCABULARY:  A problem with some of the stories was that some 
authors seemed to lack a full comprehension of a few of the contest words.  
I'll try to clarify these meanings here:

A few authors tended to use AMELIORATE when they should have used ASSUAGE. or 
vice versa.  Here's the difference:

ASSUAGE implies softening or sweetening what is harsh or disagreeable. <A good 
blowjob might assuage the pain of an engorged cock.>

AMELIORATE implies making more tolerable or acceptable conditions that are 
hard to endure. <A man might ameliorate his sex life by undergoing a sex-
change operation or by acquiring a sex slave.>

Although dictionaries often give "fictitious" as a definition of APOCRYPHAL, 
it is not accurate to use the two words interchangeably.  Here's the short 
version of the distinction:

APOCRYPHAL implies an unknown or dubious source or origin, or it may imply 
that the thing itself is dubious or inaccurate.  I think the word came into 
the English language through the term APOCRYPHA, which early Christian leaders 
applied to those books of the bible (such as The Gospel of St. Peter or St. 
Thomas) that claimed to be authentic but where rejected as fakes by the early 
Church leaders.  Thus, stories of Jesus making mud animals that came to life 
were considered to be apocryphal.  The term has expanded to include any story 
that sounds plausible but might be fraudulent.  Some of the statements I 
attribute to Mark Twain or Yogi Berra are APOCRYPHAL - that is, it's likely 
that those people didn't really say these things.  <A wife might listen to an 
unfaithful husband's probably apocryphal account of where he had been last 
night.> <The veteran nun assured the novice that the stories she had heard 
about the tunnel between the convent and the rectory were entirely 
apocryphal.>

The advertisements indicating that Fondle Me Elmo dolls will be available by 
Valentine's Day are all apocryphal.  The following story, obtained from 
rec.humor, is possibly apocryphal:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying 
to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe 
Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner 
Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a 
felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his 
rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki 
shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve 
Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a 
match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a 
hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket 
of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's 
hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and 
whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the 
intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered 
second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while 
Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal 
tract.

FICTITIOUS implies fabrication and suggests artificiality or contrivance more 
than deliberate falsification or deception.  FICTITIOUS is a broader category 
than APOCRYPHAL.  While it makes sense to refer to Ebenezer Scrooge and Tiny 
Tim or to a name John Smith uses at a motel as FICTITIOUS, neither would be 
considered APOCRYPHAL.

MUNDANE means WORLDLY only in the sense of "worldly as opposed to heavenly or 
celestial."  The more frequent meaning is "ordinary."  Several authors tried 
to use MUNDANE to mean "knowledgeable in the ways of the world, which I don't 
think is right.  At the very least the second meaning ("ordinary") would 
interfere with an attempt to use "mundane" in the phrase "experienced and 
mundane lover."  Here are two examples of effective use: <At the heights of 
her sexual ecstasy she was distracted by the more mundane matter of her 
stomach growling.> or <I enjoy the ribald tales of hedonism on the Internet, 
but what I crave most in real life is mundane, loving sexual intimacy with my 
husband.>

CREDULOUS means "gullible or disposed to believe too readily."  A CREDULOUS 
woman is likely to believe that the cowboy who tells her she is beautiful at 
closing time really is interested in her mind rather than her pussy.  A 
related meaning is "arising from or characterized by credulity."  So we might 
have a CREDULOUS story or a CREDULOUS gasp from a girl who has suddenly 
realized that the shoe salesman's hand has found her pussy. <I am not so 
credulous as to believe that most virgins are likely to be multi-orgasmic when 
they are deflowered by a pimply geek in the back seat of a car.>

INCREDULOUS is the opposite.  It means "skeptical or disbelieving."  I might 
emit an incredulous gasp when I see one of those monster cocks I so often read 
about.  In fact, those stories leave me incredulous. <The experience of being 
transformed into a sexy young female left the former fullback feeling 
incredulous.>

INCREDIBLE means "unbelievable."  It is not the same as INCREDULOUS.  If I 
emitted an incredible gasp when I see one of those monster cocks, it would be 
my gasp (not the size of the cock) that would be hard to believe. <An 
incredible orgasm roared though her body as the pimply geek deflowered her in 
the back seat of the car.>

If other writers have comments on these words, or if Grammaticus has a poem, 
I'd be happy to hear from you.  Come to think of it, if someone else wrote a 
raunchy poem and attributed it to Grammaticus, I suppose that would be an 
apocryphal poem.  Imagine that!