Celestial Reviews 147 - January 8, 1997

Note:  I don't want to offend anyone, but over on rec.humor there has been a 
discussion that is pertinent to alt.sex.stories: What collective noun applies 
to a group of prostitutes?  Here are some possible answers:

      A Flourish of Strumpets?
         a fanfare of strumpets (a fanny fair...)?
      A Frost of Whores?
      An Anthology of Pro's?
      A troupe of harlots?
      A heap of slags?
      A gaggle of guzzlers?
      A herd of whores?
      A slew of sluts?
      A pride of prostitutes?
      A pack of penis wranglers?
      A sound of sex offenders?
      A flock of fornicators?

Second Note:  Several people have asked me recently why I write these reviews. 
Actually, the reason I do these reviews is because I feel a "call" to do so.  
Some people feel a call to be a religious or political leader; I feel this 
call.  I think what I really mean by this is that I started these reviews as a 
lark and found that people like yourselves appreciated them, and so I kept on 
reading the stories and writing the reviews.  

I guess there's also ego involvement; just like the people who write stories 
for this newsgroup, it makes me feel good to know that I can express myself in 
a way that evokes enjoyment among my readers. At the present time, I think I 
have one of the largest regular audiences in America; but nobody except my 
husband and myself knows about that - plus, of course, all of you who read 
these reviews but don't know (or really care) who I am.

I really do consider these reviews to be a significant contribution to the 
world around me.  I think sex is enjoyable, beautiful, and even "of ultimate 
philosophical value," as one of my professors said when I was in college; and 
helping people enjoy life, find beauty, and pursue ultimate philosophical 
value sounds like a really worthwhile way to spend my free time.  Especially 
if I can also (1) rationalize reading a bunch of smutty stories and (2) get 
myself aroused for those enjoyable, beautiful, and philosophical encounters 
that I like to share with my husband.

Third Note:  Here's another tidbit from rec.humor that seems pertinent to 
our newsgroup, where male organs customarily exceed 10 inches:

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to 
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging unemployed, 20% of the time 
it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is 
in the hole.

On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according 
to its size.

To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm 
this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

*12-10 inches -- Luxury Tax......$50.00
 10- 8 inches -- Pole Tax........$30.00
  8- 6 inches -- Privilege Tax...$15.00
  6- 4 inches -- Nuisance Tax....$ 6.00

*Males Exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains
 Please Note : Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
 You may not request an extension.

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service

Final Note: I want to remind you of my Third Annual Celestial Writing 
Contest.  The story can be of any length, but students (say, in an 
English class) should reasonably be able (and eager) read it three times 
in one week.  The purpose of the story is to combine learning with 
pleasure - that is, to teach vocabulary in the context of a creative sex 
story.  The story should use all of the words on the following list.  
Preferably, it should use them in creative ways that enable learners to 
see their meaning in context, and it should use the words more than once 
- in fact, as often as possible without becoming silly.  The story should 
not be obviously didactic - that is, it should be a story about sex, not 
about learning these words.

The deadline is January 15.  I have already received one excellent entry 
and have the promise of another from a very good writer.  Please feel 
free to take a shot at this.  Here are the words (all taken from one of 
those SAT study lists): acerbic, adept, ameliorate, apocryphal, assuage, 
blithe, constrict, credulous, dilatory, egregious, fatuous, guile, 
hedonism, impervious, incipient, irascible, lethargy, mundane, prolific, 
redundant.

All 20 of these are words that intelligent people use when the context 
calls for them (Quite possibly I may have used them here in Celestial 
Reviews.), but most high school students have no idea what they mean.  
They are useful words; and if you write a story with them, at the very 
least YOU will probably learn some functional vocabulary words.

- Celeste

      "Restless" by Lucky (car wash fantasy) 9, 8, 8
      "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (young/old
            first time) 9, 8, 8
      "Please Remember to Wrap Your Whopper" by Nobody (no 
            rating - yet)
      "Computer Virus: Version 1.0" by Michael L. Zickefoose 
            (sci fi sex) 8.5, 8, 8
      "Piano" by Tom Bombadil (sex slavery training) 10, 9, 8
      "Redeye" by Tom Bombadil (semi-public sex) 10, 10, 10
      "Octopussy" by Dragonfly (bestiality - or fishiality!) 10, 9, 9

"Restless" by Lucky (anon@marvin.org).  This story was posted as "Best 
Story of 96."  It is a decent story and perhaps this author's best of 96, 
but it is not an outstanding story.  The basic idea of this story is 
a.s.s. cliche 13a: "A 40-year-old woman will always experience sexual 
delight in the arms of two or more drunken teenage boys."  Marsha is the 
heroine of this story, and she has a phantom lover named Jamesey.  Some 
friends of her teenage son stop by to visit him, but the son is not home; 
and so Jamesey guides Marsha to sexual fulfillment in the arms of the 
horny teenagers.  The story could have been hot, but it missed the mark 
with me - probably because it was written by a guy who thinks differently 
than most females.

Ratings for "Restless"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  This is a 
story about the first sexual experience of a young college student.  It 
occurs during Christmas vacation with a man nearly twice her age. The 
author attempts to describe the activities as comprising a tender 
scenario, but I think he slows things down so far that the events become 
boring.  This author usually writes vibrant, upbeat stories; but this one 
does not yet have those characteristics.  My assumption is that he will 
return to the drawing board and inject into this story the energetic life 
that it deserves.

Don't get me wrong.  I think it's beautiful in real life to make love 
while conversing actively with one's partner and caring about his/her 
reactions.  The stories in this author's "For..." series give that 
impression.  I even believe that really boring lovemaking with a really 
wonderful person can be better than really exciting but meaningless 
stimulation with a shallow partner.  However, if I am going to read a 
story like this, I want it to be interesting and lively as well as tender 
and meaningful.

Ratings for "Wrapped Attention"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Please Remember to Wrap Your Whopper" by Nobody.  I checked this out, hoping 
somebody would have written a really creative story with this title, but it 
was merely an address for as web site.  The title's yours, if you can think of 
a story to go with it.  I also tried "Blonde in Red Straddles Him and Jerks 
Him!Hot!"  I shoulda known better.  This was just a picture of a blond in red 
straddling a guy and jerking him off.  I shoulda known better.

(No rating - yet)

"Computer Virus: Version 1.0" by Michael L. Zickefoose (suicyco@bright.net). 
Danni and Mike met while they have been working together on a project to 
design a realistic erotic Science Fiction virtual reality game. Soon they are 
working together in the day and loving together after work.  As fate would 
have it, lightning strikes the computer room; and the power surge turns Danni 
into Mike's fantasy woman, unbelievably beautiful, with no imperfections, 
existing only to love and serve him.  What will Mike do to get out of this 
awful mess?  You'll have to read the story to find out.

It's my understanding that this is the first story posted by this author.  
It's very good, but not perfect.  It could benefit from a careful 
proofreading.  In addition, the author needs a slightly better balance between 
relevant and irrelevant details.  Sometimes the narrative gets bogged down 
with details that don't really matter, and the emotional reactions of the 
characters could be a little better developed.  On the other hand, the overall 
logic of the plot is pretty good.  All in all, this is a good story; and I 
hope the author writes some more.  My advice would be NOT to write a sequel, 
in the sense of expanding this same story.  I would rather suggest modifying 
this one to make it slightly better and then going on to new and different 
sexual adventures.

Ratings for "Computer Virus"
Athena (technical quality): 8.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Piano" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com).  The woman who narrates this 
story has signed up for a piano training course.  I don't want to ruin 
the story for you; but after all, this author specifically says he's 
trying to imitate Deirdre, and so I don't suppose you would expect the 
lady will just learn how to play the piano or anything like that.  You're 
right.  The program in which she has enrolled is actually the Piano 
System of Sex Training.  What bothered me about this story is the 
complete improbability of the setup.  Nobody who wants to train sex 
slaves would advertise her services simply as " Personal Trainer - 
Confidentiality assured. Piano system, 14 days, $$$$$."  Some of the set-
up makes sense; but it is just plain unlikely that anyone wanted to learn 
to play the piano would make the mistake this woman made.  Other than 
that - and if you grant the assumption that good things really do happen 
as a result of being trained to be a sex slave - it's a pretty good 
story.  

Ratings for "Piano"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Redeye" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com).  This author has decided that 
since Deirdre has stopped writing stories, he'll try to take over for her.  To 
accomplish this, he has decided to write very short stories in which the 
narrator routinely discloses absolutely astonishing sexual behaviors that will 
throw the reader for a loop.  However, "Redeye" is not a Deirdre story, nor is 
it even Sherwood Anderson.  This story suggests that this author is the 
reincarnation of Saki (H.H. Munro)!  Look that one up in your Funk and 
Wagnalls!  Even though it will take you longer to find and download this story 
than it will take to read it, it's a very good story.

Ratings for "Redeye"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Octopussy" by Dragonfly (polsons@sirius.com).  OK.  So here we have a 
horny woman who goes for a swim in the buff in the ocean.  Naturally 
enough, she entices an eel to slide into her pussy; but this relationship 
is brief and unsatisfactory, since her orgasm almost immediately ejects 
the lucky animal.  Well, next a small shark shows up - no danger to the 
woman, but terrifying to the smaller fish, who promptly take refuge in 
the woman's private tunnel, and the experience drives the woman to 
ecstasy.  After foreplay with various other creatures of the sea, her 
cunt welcomes a small octopus, a gelatinous creature with little or no 
bone structure and whose ability to conform to almost any shape brings 
rapture to her body.  I guess maybe this is why Jacques Cousteau liked 
the sea so much, and maybe why my sister watches the Discovery channel so 
avidly.  Aside from the extreme improbability of the events depicted 
here, this is a well-written story.

Ratings for "Octopussy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9