Celestial Reviews 146 - January 4, 1997
Note: Several readers have posted messages bewailing the low quality of
postings on alt.sex.stories. Actually, the overall number of GOOD stories has
continued to go up; the problem is that the number of incredibly stupid and
inappropriate messages has increased even more rapidly. The garbage is
actually pretty easy to spot. I'm not going to tell you how I do it, because
if I did the morons who post it would probably think of ways to circumvent me.
Let me just say that it would help if all the people out there who are
advertising their phone services would put their phone numbers in the title
line. Many of them already do so. I don't think they belong on this
newsgroup in the first place; but I can understand why they post here (after
all, it's possible that some of the readers of this newsgroup are horny but
lonely people looking for a quick thrill at $3.00 per minute).
It is possible to find good a.s.s. stories without accessing the newsgroup at
all. Simply go to DejaNews on the Web at www.dejanews.com and enter as your
search words "alt.sex.stories Celeste." This will give you a list of all my
reviews - plus anything else recently posted on a.s.s. that contains the word
Celeste. From that point you can select any of my reviews and find any of the
stories. You can use a similar strategy to find stories by specific authors
(as long as the authors put their names in their stories) and to search for
specific titles. The service is free.
Second Note: Happy New Year! I am a bit overwhelmed right now. In addition
to the backlog of stories that resulted from my holiday break, I have
encountered a problem with my database. I would really like to hear from
anyone who knows how to recover a Microsoft Works Database file after I
receive the message that says, "There is no translator available to import the
file...." (The file was developed with the Microsoft Works Database, worked
fine previously, and is now simply inaccessible to me.)
Final Note: A cunning linguist sent me these labels for the three major
stages in a marriage:
1. Tri-Weekly
2. Try Weekly
3. Try Weakly
- Celeste
"Dying For a Cigarette" by G. M. Sullivan (detective
story sex) 9.5, 8, 8
"Caesar" by Unknown Author (bestiality) 9, 7, 7
"Behind the Bar" by Unknown Author (hedonistic orgies)
9.5, 10, 10
"Unholy Lust" by Unknown Author (hedonistic orgies) 8, 6, 5
"Airscrew: Or How I Joined the Six Mile High Club" by Pete Fox
(sex on airplane) 10, 10, 10
"Fantasy" by D.B. (sexual fantasy). 9, 8, 8
"Re: Proof reading sex stories" by M.M. Twassel (sexy story
about not having sex) 10, 10, 10
"Dying For a Cigarette" by G. M. Sullivan (sullivangm@aol.com). "There are
eight million smoking stories in the Big City, every one unique," the author
tells us. "This is only one of them. I know. I carry a pack." An anti-
smoking fanatic has decided that the best way to stop the Evil Habit would be
to assassinate attractive women while they are In the Act - in the act of
smoking, that is - not whatever you were thinking. The plot almost works; but
a fast-thinking and chain-smoking cop teams up with a novice-smoking emerging
beauty to frustrate this despicable attempt at anarchy.
The story is well written, but it has almost no sex in it. The high point of
the story comes when the cop and the woman kiss and they blow smoke into each
other's mouths. As Brooke Shields once said, "Yuch!" I understand this
exchange of heated carcinogens is a big thrill to some smokers, and so this
story may have greater appeal to that restricted audience.
As a non-smoker who really hates to be around the foul smell of cigarette
smoke, I was a bit put off by the insistence that smoking is glamorous. On
the other hand, it IS accurate to state that most young woman who begin to
smoke believe that inhaling smoke and blowing circles makes them look
sophisticated and sexy; and so the story does give a realistic portrayal of
persons adhering to that perception.
Overall, however, the story came up short. As a sex story, it lacked sex; and
as a detective story, it lacked a good plot: the good guys overcame the bad
guy through sheer luck.
Ratings for "Dying For a Cigarette"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Caesar" by Unknown Author. This is one of the rather lengthy postings by
TheEditor. As I'll discuss below, this person apparently has scanned into a
computer a number of full-length books and has posted these on this newsgroup.
This story is built around the sexual mystique of a large german shepherd who
has super-human qualities that have enabled him to live for at least 2000
years. Needless to say, Caesar shows no inclination to restrict his sexual
interests to other dogs. The basic plot is that the men-folk are out trying
to kill the wild dogs, while Caesar is either raping or making love to the
woman-folk.
In many respects this is an extremely well-written story; but the plot just
stops with the words "The End." It is my theory that the person who posted
this story scanned it from a published paperback and then simply ended it when
he felt the story was getting too long. I cannot imagine that an author could
write specific episodes so well and develop a plot so skillfully and yet lack
the insight to know that the entire story makes no more sense than a segment
of a typical soap opera yanked out of context. There are simply too many
ideas that were started but not brought to fruition and too many unanswered
questions at the end of this story. I appreciate the fact that TheEditor put
"The End" after the final line of this story - otherwise I would have assumed
that I should have gone back to DejaNews and look for the rest of the story,
when in fact this is all there is.
This is a difficult story to rate. I normally don't enjoy bestiality stories,
but this one caught my interest; and that's the mark of a good story. But
after it caught my interest, the story just stopped, which is the mark of a
really bad story. Go figure!
Ratings for "Caesar"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Behind the Bar" by Unknown Author. This is another one of the rather lengthy
postings by TheEditor. As I'll discuss below, this person apparently has
scanned into a computer a number of full-length books and has posted these on
this newsgroup. This story focuses on a common a.s.s. theme: if a husband and
wife are having a little trouble in their relationship, one of them should run
around on the other, and this will cause them to become closer in their
matrimonial bliss. In this case, Brandy has become insatiably hungry for sex
because her husband has been out of town for a few days while he is studying
for the bar. {Actually, he's learning how to RUN a bar; but I thought it
would be clever to make it sound like he was studying law.} After Dave the
Bartender fucks Brandy, he suggests a way that they can expand the bar's
clientele while simultaneously allaying Brandy's horniness. This strategy is
immensely successful, and when the harried husband returns home unexpectedly
and finds Brandy in flagrante delicto, he smiles happily and eagerly offers to
supply a similar service to gladden the hearts of the female customers.
As I reread the preceding description, the story sounds a bit far-fetched. I
mean, Dave and Brandy come across as counselors or social service agents who
selflessly solve the problems of their sexually dysfunctional or otherwise
needy customers. In real life it would be at least slightly unlikely that
Brandy's activity would solidify her relationship with her husband, that Dave
would suggest his plan to Brandy when he could instead get a lot of really
good sex himself, or that the patrons of the bar would simply cheer for the
lucky winners when Dave obviously cheated in his distribution of Brandy's
favors. However, this really is a good fantasy, and the sexual action is
really hot.
Ratings for "Behind the Bar"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Unholy Lust" by Unknown Author. This is another one of the rather lengthy
postings by TheEditor. Julie is an artist who wants her art displayed in a
prominent gallery. She discovers that the only way to accomplish her goal is
to have sex with the owner. But then she finds some younger guys with bigger
cocks and has great sex with them too. Then she comes home and catches her
husband involved in an orgy. At first she's upset, but after the husband and
almost everyone present gang rape her, Julie feels no anger in her heart,
because she realizes that she has been so involved in her own artistic career
that she has sadly neglected her husband. She doesn't blame him at all for
the orgy, and she is happy she has learned a truly meaningful lesson. {Barf!!}
I'm sorry; but this really is a stupid plot. If you believe that sex is good
only when women are good sexual toys, then you might like this story.
Otherwise, it's silly. The sex occasionally borders on being hot, but it's
not nearly as good as that in the other two stories posted by TheEditor which
I have reviewed here.
Let me add a final comment about these stories. One of my correspondents has
carefully documented that these are stories that have been previously
published in paperback format. Someone (possibly TheEditor) has scanned them
into a computer for distribution to this newsgroup. This is obviously a
violation of the copyright of the original author(s). Many readers will
respond by saying, "So what? Who cares where it comes from, as long as it's a
good story?" The point is that this IS a violation of copyright law, even if
it is not being enforced in this case. It is my understanding that readers
are not violating the law by downloading these stories, but people who repost
these stories or store them in archives where they can be accessed by others
might be subject to prosecution, if the owner of the copyright would choose to
pursue the issue.
My personal dilemma is what to do with the stories. They're actually pretty
good stories, and my readers have a right to know that. My decision has been
to go ahead and review them and simply add the preceding paragraph as a
caution to my readers. In addition, it is worth noting that the stories have
imperfections that have been added by the scanning and dissemination
processes. For example, the stories contain numerous typographical errors of
the type that often occur when smudged text is scanned (e.g., "win" for
"will"). In addition, in some cases (e.g., "Caesar," cited above), TheEditor
or someone else seems to have arbitrarily truncated or otherwise altered the
stories. Under these circumstances it is difficult to determine the quality
of the original story. My decision has been to evaluate the stories as they
actually appear on a.s.s.
My own experience with erotic literature is limited to what I have read and
learned in the past year and a half. If anyone recognizes any of these
stories, I would like to know the original titles and authors. I am
particularly interested in knowing more about "Caesar," since I am convinced
that it is a good story, and I would like to find the whole thing.
Ratings for "Unholy Lust"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Airscrew: Or How I Joined the Six Mile High Club" by Pete Fox. Let me assure
you from personal experience that it is indeed possible and extremely sexy -
albeit a bit risky - to accomplish on a largely empty airliner almost exactly
what the narrator of this story claims to have accomplished. My
recommendation, however, is that you try it with someone you know and trust,
since not all female 25-year-old Swedish sales representatives are likely to
be as frisky with strangers or as adept at their role in clandestine
activities as the young lady in this story. I concur with the author of this
story that things go much better under blankets than within the absurd
confines of the 747's toilet facilities.
Ratings for "Airscrew"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Fantasy" by D.B. Librarians may be the only people whom kids classify as
lower on the sex-chain than English teachers. In this story from the THC
Archives a stereotypical librarian receives a visitor in the middle of the
night who gives her the quintessential fuck of her life. It's a good but not
great story - especially if you're into librarians.
Ratings for "Fantasy"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Re: Proof reading sex stories" by M.M. Twassel (Mmtwassel@aol.com). I
recently received an e-mail message that stated: "Having been a fan of Deirdre
for quite some time, I was pleased to recently discover some Celestial Reviews
of her stories. Anyone who has read these reviews should know that Celeste
has a theory about Deirdre, namely that she is the reincarnation of Sherwood
Anderson. Not having ever read anything by Anderson, I wasn't sure what the
reference was about (alas, I only majored in British literature!), but working
in a library has it's advantages. I looked up Anderson in a series on
American writers, and found this very interesting commentary in 'American
Writers: A Collection of Literary Biographies' that fits Deirdre's stories
perfectly. Celeste, you're a genius!"
Here's the Anderson excerpt: "The uncertain, groping narrator of an Anderson
story employs an art of suggestion to articulate his search for pattern and
meaning in human existence. His experiences are fragmentary, incoherent,
inexplicable. The chronological sequence of time may be interrupted and
reversed by memories, inadvertent thoughts, gusts of emotion, and frustrated
attempts at comprehension. Objects and people are haphazardly perceived....
Absurdly helpless, the narrator may succumb to impotence, give vent to
explosive stirrings in his subconscious, flee the envelope of his body in
mystical anguish or ecstacy, obsessedly focus upon trivialities such as a bent
finger... Since the story is an articulation of the narrator's experience, its
movement is repetitive and circular: it is not rounded off with a meaningful
conclusion, for that would violate the narrator's integrity, his stance of
wonder and search."
My correspondent subsequently posted his message to a.s.s., where it evoked
the following response from a critic named Dabasir: "What a crock of shit!
Deirdre's stories are simply something to get off with. In closeing I would
just like to say that your classic interpretation of Sherwood Anderson can be
summed up simply. He rambles on stupidly much like Adolf Hitler does in
"Mein Kampf". Thanks for listening and have a GREAT day! =)
Before I relate this correspondence to the present story, let me first retract
anything that may have been construed as pejorative or derogatory toward
librarians in the preceding review (of D.B.'s "Fantasy"). I certainly
disagree with the classification of librarians as the only people lower on the
sex-chain than English teachers - even though my correspondent referred to me
as a mere "genius" rather than by my more rightful title of "sex goddess."
Mr. Dabasir may be right that Sherwood rambles on stupidly much like Adolf
Hitler does in "Mein Kampf." {I wouldn't touch with a twelve-inch cock what
that venerable social critic Marge Schott recently said about Mr. Hitler in
the esteemed literary journal Sports Illustrated.} My suspicion is that
Dabasir (a) was subjected to a really bad teacher who mandated Sherwood
Anderson as a routine class assignment and (b) prefers cryptic stories about
sex slavery, mind control, and anal sex to those about eggs, unlighted lamps,
and death in the woods. I can't say that I blame him. Prior to my exposure
to this newsgroup, I myself had never had an orgasm while reading Anderson;
and even in the past year and a half the sexual pleasantries I have
experienced while reading Winesburg have resulted more from the classical
conditioning of my husband than from the content of the stories. {I also
think it is distinctly possible that Dabasir - whom I thank for writing and to
whom I wish a great day! =) has confused Sherwood Anderson with Henry James,
who was indeed a horse's ass.}
What I object to is Dabasir's statement that "Deirdre's stories are simply
something to get off with." No, it's not the preposition at the end of the
sentence, which is something I can put up with. There are numerous postings
on alt.sex.stories that are "simply something to get off with"; and indeed it
may be possible - and even probable, desirable, and enjoyable - to get off
with Deirdre's stories. But the fact is that Deirdre writes extremely well.
I would summarize her work by saying that she artistically expresses ideas and
feelings which shyness and conventionality keep most people from acknowledging
publicly or perhaps even to themselves. I took the last 19 words of the
preceding sentence from a critique of Anderson by a professor from Columbia
University; so the similarity is probably real.
I don't want to shock anyone, but I don't really believe that Deirdre is
Sherwood Anderson reincarnated. I think she's a damned good writer whose
style reminds me of Anderson's. The difference between Deirdre and the
typical wannafucks and mindless "true" stories on a.s.s. is that she writes
well. Her style makes her stories erotic in a mysterious sort of manner. Her
style also makes it more likely that a simple shepherd yearning for his true
love or a college kid prepping for a hot date will be able to experience the
emotions and feelings intended by the author. Bad authors take a hot idea and
fuck it up so badly that people who "weren't there" think they have wasted
their time by reading the story. Deirdre, on the other hand, takes some
really improbable ideas that she herself has never even experienced and
expresses them in such a way that readers buy into her stories and vicariously
experience the feelings and emotions themselves. That's what good writers are
supposed to do. In my opinion some other writers do this even better than
Deirdre, and they use techniques that don't remotely resemble Deirdre's or
Anderson's. But the way they write certainly makes a huge difference.
Or as Nathaniel Hawthorne once put it, "Easy reading is damned hard writing."
The present author also writes extremely well. This is one of the best
stories I have read this year - but then, this year is only four days old. In
fact, this is one of the best stories I have read in a very long time. It's
written in the format of a letter to me (Celeste), seeking advice regarding
sex stories. The purported correspondent is a naive college student whose
sexual experience has consisted of inept masturbation and reading stories
posted on this newsgroup. He has met and befriended a beautiful classmate in
his philosophy class; and in a misguided attempt to impress her, he has told
her that he writes sex stories for the Internet. The ostensible purpose of
the letter to Celeste is to seek advice regarding his dilemma (he really
cannot write sex stories), but the actual result is a highly erotic and
sometimes hilariously sexy story.
The "letter" addresses several questions to Celeste, most of which I won't
attempt to answer here. At this point I'll simply state that "pre-cum"
usually does contain a hyphen. In addition, I might add that "proofreading"
is usually one word. As for how the narrator should have escaped from his
dilemma - I'll leave that up to the imagination of the reader - or perhaps to
a second Letter to Celeste.
By putting this review in the context of a discussion of Deirdre, I have
managed to give the story the emphasis and dignity bestowed by a lengthy
critique. I hope you read and enjoy this delightful story, which resembles
neither Sherwood Anderson nor Adolf Hitler. On the other hand, J.D. Sallinger
might have altered his style just a little....
Ratings for Re: Proof reading sex stories"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10