Celestial Reviews 88 - May 29, 1996 Note: I have received a revelation from a genuine philologist, which is a technical term for a really cunning linguist, who states that the etymology several readers have suggested for "masturbate" is highly improbable for many reasons. "Mas" may mean "male" in Latin, but it takes this form only in the nominative. "Mas turbare" is an impossible construction. J.N. Adams has apparently gained academic prestige by writing “The Latin Sexual Vocabulary,” which discusses this and other etymologies. The best guess among real cunning linguists is that the word derives from "manstuprare," which would mean "to defile with the hand." The "mans-" combination easily becomes "mas-"; and then, presumably, the analogy- as sound more than as sense - to "turbare" completes the current word. The "pr-" combination is a difficult sound to preserve; and the voiced labial plosive followed by "r" only slightly easier. Interestingly, the word appears in English in the seventeenth century in a form confirming this etymology: "mastupration." It really isn't hard to posit the reversal of "p" and "r" in pronunciation, and then the voicing of the plosive. This discussion of masturbation is a bit hard to grasp <heh, heh>. Since my reason for raising the issue was mostly to help people spell the word by remembering that it had nothing to do with “master,” “Mas turbare” for “shaking the little guy” seemed to work. The point of this discussion, however, is that the preceding information will be likely to help you win wagers in pubs and beauty parlors when obnoxious, undersexed braggarts obnoxiously broadcast their sexual expertise. I understand the derivations of fellatio and cunnilingus are a lot easier. Second Note: Remember the proofreading service! If you would like free help on a story, send me a request; and I’ll match you up with one of the volunteers who have offered to help authors by making suggestions about the grammar, style, and content of preliminary drafts of stories. This service is often very useful to authors and enjoyable to proofreaders. In addition, if you would like to volunteer your services as a proofreader, please contact me. Final Note: There’s a notice with this title in the current postings: Stories and Files available via FTP/E-Mail (FAQ). This is the FAQ for the BackDrop Club. This is a legitimate organization. I suggest that you read the FAQ. (I myself have no affiliation with this organization.) Since the demise of the Louvre, this may be the best source for obtaining stories. I have used this service in the past, and it is NOT a commercial rip-off, like so many of the other “free” services. - Celeste “A Night at Suzy's” by Mark Aster (tasteful orgy) 10, 10, 10 “Angelic Interlude” by Joe Parsons (meeting the cyber- lover) 10, 10, 10 “Xena: Calisto’s Escape” by Backrub (action, adventure, & sex in Ancient Greece) 9, 8, 8 “Cleave It To Beaver” by MrNatural (TV sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10 “Carear Opportunities” by H.R. (wife watching & anal sex) 8, 8, 8 “Fun on the Beach” by Steve S621 (massage & fourway sex) 8, 8, 8 “Meeting Shirley” by The Observer (romance) 9.5, 10, 10 “The Office” by DeidreWun (sex on lunch break) 9, 9, 9 “Awakenings” by Annette (virgin to slut transition) 10, 10, 10 “A Night at Suzy's” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). It’s Orgy Night at Suzy's, and the gang has prevailed upon a renowned goddess of a.s.s. to bring some high quality stories from her extensive collection to read aloud as a mood setter. By coincidence the author of Celeste’s Pick of the Week happens to be present; and as luck would have it, everyone likes everyone else and a good time is had by all. I have to admit that I am flattered to become part of such a hot evening of sex, but I want to assure you that flattery in no way influences my ratings. The author knows this, and I suppose that’s why he toned down my sexuality a little. No offense taken. There’s not much to say about this story: read it - you’ll get your bang for your buck. This author follows a practice that few others follow. He writes his story, lets a couple of weeks pass, and then revises the story before he posts it. This takes discipline, but it is often worth it. I know Mark does this, because he sent me a copy of the draft three weeks ago, asking for permission to defame me in the way he has done in this story. Ratings for “A Night at Suzy's” Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 “Angelic Interlude” by Joe Parsons (jmp@cyber-mall.com). The man and woman have communicated for some time through cyberspace. They have never met, but she has described her fantasies of what she would like to do to him. Now she is coming to visit him in person, and he is waiting for her plane at the airport. Her name is Angel; hence the title. I guess almost everybody who reads stories on this newsgroup has a fantasy of this happening - even those of us who have no intention of ever consummating such a relationship. Of course, this is just the cyberspace version of the old honky-tonk romance that the country- western singers tell us about. The odds are actually pretty remote that a guy will have the three best orgasms of his life within an hour after getting out of the car in a wilderness clearing after picking up his mysterious lover at the airport. But isn’t it pretty to think so? So the storyline is trite, but it’s well written and just plain hot sex. Ratings for “Angelic Interlude” Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 “Xena: Calisto’s Escape” by Backrub (BCKRUB@aol.com). One of my daughters watches Xena on television every week, but I myself have never watched an entire episode. I get the impression that Xena is a warrior princess, who is stronger than almost all male warriors (except maybe Hercules), and who leads the fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way of Life in ancient Greece. The plots appear to contain a healthy blend of reasonably authentic Greek mythology mixed in with black magic and plots adapted from the Lone Ranger, Superman, and Kung Fu. To this mixture Backrub adds a hearty dose of sex. My understanding is that the present story picks up at the end of an actual episode, which apparently ended in the capture of the misguided and treacherous warrior-maiden Calisto. While living a spartan lifestyle as a lieutenant to the stoic warrior- princess Xena, Gabrielle has neglected her own sexual needs. Now she has been captured by the nefarious Calisto, who is determined to extract from young Gabrielle secrets about Xena by tempting her with sexual thrills that no woman can deny. The premise is that if Gabrielle succumbs to the sexual pleasures, she must talk. I’m not sure what will happen if she doesn’t succumb. Probably they’ll either kill her or keep imposing these sexual pleasures on her until she finally breaks - or until Xena rescues her. But what will happen if Xena does rescue her? Will Gabrielle’s obvious pleasure light a fire in the dispassionate heroine? Or will the evil Calisto be overwhelmed by the good, the strength, and the beauty of Xena and give herself to a life of virtuous good deeds? Actually, my conjectures about the ending (which were suggested in the questions at the end of the previous paragraph) were slightly off the mark. The story has a bit of a serial ending (like on the weekly TV show), suggesting that there may be another episode. I really like Backrub’s writing, but this story did not turn me on as much as his others. Maybe it’s because I know so little about Xena. I’m not exactly a Xenaphobe, but I’m not a Xenaphile either. I guess I’m Axenic or maybe Dysxenic. Anyway, you Xena fans out there might like this story more than I did. Ratings for “Calisto’s Escape” Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 “Cleave It To Beaver” by MrNatural (an351140@anon.penet.fi). "Ward, I think you were a little rough on the beaver last night." June Cleaver has made that statement many times in television reruns, but note that this time “the beaver” is not capitalized. As you may have guessed, this story is an irreverent treatment of the old “Leave It to Beaver” series which is in contant syndication on cable TV. "Sorry, June. But when a man feels really special about a woman, even his wife, sometimes he has to express it in ways that are a little decisive." I’ll bet he was carrying his pipe and wearing his sweater when he said that! “It's just the right thing to do and I know we all feel better when we do the right thing." This story alleges that The Beave was named after his father’s beaver cleaver. This story makes lots of interesting allegations. And what does this mean? “I've told you boys about eating wieners when you don't know where they've been. Maybe I should go up and give Beaver that lesson." You can well imagine that Eddie Haskell will have something obsequious to say to June, and I won’t go into that here - except to say that June finds it ironic to think of all the times Ward has called Eddie a little prick. This is an extremely good example of a sexual parody. DO NOT READ THIS AT THE OFFICE COMPUTER, if you are the sort of person who has trouble explaining to your coworkers why you are laughing uproariously. The author does a wonderful job of making the characters stay in character while they do things that are completely out of character. It’s enough to make me grant complete forgiveness for the several typographical errors I encountered. This story ends with a notation: “More will follow if response is good.” I assure you - response will be good. A _little_ more will be enjoyable; but I urge this author not to try too much of a good thing. After a few more episodes, I’d like to see him go to work on some of the other popular sitcums. Ratings for “Cleave It To Beaver” Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 “Carear Opportunities” by H.R. (betrue@delphi.com). The lawyer is hoping to become a partner in the law firm, but he discovers that his boss wants to fuck his wife as a pre-condition. No problem; and this even turns the shy little lady into a really hot bitch. I really doubt that many marriage counselors recommend this strategy, but it’s an interesting fantasy, which will appeal mostly to guys who have trouble impressing their wives on their own. {The title is spelled that way because the boss teaches the wife to like anal sex.} Ratings for “Carear Opportunities” Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 “Fun on the Beach” by Steve S621 (Steve S621@aol.com). The man is working overseas, accompanied by his wife. They are bored during the monsoons in Taipei, and so they go to the Philippines for some R&R. On a quiet beach the wife gets a really sensuous message. They return to their hut to finish up, but the masseuse follows them with a friend. A good time is had by all. Ratings for “Fun on the Beach” Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 “Meeting Shirley” by The Observer (observer@onramp.net). The man likes women who are a challenge: sexy, smart, classy, devious, and underhanded - with a whim of iron. As a favor to a friend, however, he agrees to take a frumpy young lady to dinner. After she changes clothes, she becomes beautiful - even enchanting, if non-French men would ever use that word. {Usually it works the other way, I’m told: beauty deteriorates geometrically during the first twelve hours - except near closing time. As one of my former professors used to say whenever he talked about nuances among synonyms: “She was a vision in the evening, and a sight in the morning.”} Unfortunately, the protagonist has promised his friend not to seduce this young lady. The chemistry between them is obvious. I don’t know when I have read so many hot lines before any sex has occurred. I think I once berated this author for dangling his modifiers. He has reformed almost completely - almost: “Alone at last with Shirley, my cock was making its presence known even more than it had numerous times during the day.” Incidentally, if I were the author of this story, I would have gone with “Damn you Charlie” for its title. One problem I had with this story was that it ended a bit up in the air. The author starts a new subplot near the end and doesn’t finish the first plot. However, he promises a continuation this week. A more serious problem may be that the author apparently intends to connect this story to his previous “The Photographer’s Daughters.” Unless he has some tricks I haven’t thought of, I can’t imagine how that could work. This is a much better story, and I don’t see how the characters would match up. Ratings for “Meeting Shirley” Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 “The Office” by DeidreWun (DeidreWun@aol.com). The woman returns to her office and finds her lover seated in her desk. They flirt and then have sex at her desk. The story is generally well written and the sex is hot. One problem I have is that I don’t understand the need for the second-person narrative (actually, first and second person). The narrator refers to “you,” which becomes me when I read it; and I simply have trouble identifying with a male “you.” In addition, the author uses no quotation marks, and this rules out question marks in places where they would be useful. By simply making the story a first and third person narrative, both of these problems could easily be overcome. This is the first posting by this author. I hope she posts many more stories. Ratings for “The Office” Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 “Awakenings” by Annette. The young lady is a naive virgin who has just graduated from a Swiss finishing school. Her big turn-on is the thought that when a man penetrates her for the first time it will be to shoot live ammunition at an unprotected target. She gets all churned up at the idea of totally unprotected sex with an even chance of being put in the family way. When a rich guy she really likes comes on strong to her, she tells him her feelings and says she’s just not quite ready yet. Naive? Well, sort of; but she certainly knows how to keep Alan at bay! She resolves to be a virgin when she marries Alan; but shortly before the wedding he gets called away for work for two months overseas, and she goes on a cruise. The cruise ship is a veritable stud farm; and she mates with the ships mate. Not to worry; he’ll use a condom. Ooops! To hell with the condom; he’ll withdraw. Ooops! To hell with withdrawal; he has a supply of the RU 462 morning after pill. Ah! Ecstasy (or Ecstacy, as the Brits say); ten straight days and nights of ecstasy. Ooops! If you’ve never seen an RU 462 pill, I guess it’s easy to confuse them with Relaxatabs. The story has minor proofreading errors; but if I managed to ignore them, you can probably do so as well. Here is a lesson from the English teacher that lies hidden inside me. Comedians and newscasters frequently talk about oxymorons. They give as examples “military intelligence,” “governmental efficiency,” and “honest lawyer.” It may be funny to refer to these as oxymorons, because by doing so the speaker is suggesting that the military is inherently unintelligent, the government inefficient, and lawyers dishonest. The problem with those examples is that they are better examples of humor than of oxymorons. This author uses a true oxymoron when the protagonist sees her first engorged penis and refers to as “how beautifully ugly!” That’s a perfect oxymoron. I once heard the person behind me at a wedding ceremony refer to the bride’s “utterly ugly beauty” - making the point that the extreme artificiality of her makeup was not beautiful at all. There’s a famous Latin expression: “festina lente” - make haste slowly, or as Yogi Berra put it, “Take your time; but hurry up!” A genuine oxymoron makes a point. In the story, the idea is that the male sex organ fully engorged with blood is really pretty grotesque if you look at it objectively; but if you look at it from the potential pleasure it can give, it’s beautiful. This is such a great example; I want so much to use it as an illustration for my students, but I guess I had better not. American middle class manners; now there’s an oxymoron for you! Even aside from the oxymoron, the sexual scenes were delightfully graphic. I strongly recommend this story. Ratings for “Awakenings” Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10