Celestial Reviews 46 - Dec 16, 1995
Note: Several people have pointed out that I give a lot of 10's and
that my average rating is around 8. I want to remind you what the
rating scale means. A 10 means that I rated the story as excellent. A
1 means that the story was terrible .A 5 or 6 is "average." If most
stories that I review get ratings of 7 or above, that probably occurs
because I look for good stories and try to avoid the bad ones. For
example, if an author's first story is a 10, I'll look for more;
whereas if that story were rated 1, I would probably avoid the author's
future work. This causes the ratings to go up. I mention this because
some authors seem to be upset because they get a "low" rating of 8. An
8 actually is pretty good, and I myself would tend to look for more
stories by that author. I also want to remind you that the narrative
review is often more useful than the numerical rating.
Second Note: The proofreading service is in full operation. IF YOU
WANT FREE HELP AND FEEDBACK BEFORE POSTING A STORY, contact me, and
I'll match you up with one of the reviewers. Remember: you're not
admitting to being a "bad writer" by asking for a proofreader.
Everyone can benefit from having someone to help with their work. For
that matter, if anyone wants to look over Celestial Reviews before I
post them, I would appreciate the help - but I would need a really fast
turnaround time. If others are interested in offering their services
as proofreaders, please contact me.
- Celeste
"Model" by Deirdre (mostly anal sex) 7
"Mom" by Deirdre (masturbation education) 9
"Month" by Deirdre (Surprise!) 10
"Big" by Deirdre (Breast fetish) 6
"Dominatrix Found in Amber" by PleaseCain (surrealistic
sex scenario) 9
"Jeep" by FESSELN1 (romantic outdoor sex) 9
"Party Girl" by Javahead (wifely gang bang) 10
"May You Live In Interesting Times..." by The StogieMan
(cigar fetish) 4
"Romeo" by Tybalt (dreams & romance) 3
"Singapore Girl" by Friar Dave (anal sex, fisting, bondage,
etc.) 8
"Rest Room Reaction" by Rajah Dodger (voyeurism & hand
job) 10
"Bob's Massage" by Rajah Dodger (sexy massage) 10
"Cocktail Table" by Sue (Orgy) 10
"Model" by Deirdre. The guy meets an old girlfriend who has started to
work with models in the fashion industry. She offers to let the guy
meet some supermodels, and to his dismay one of them invites them to
her house for a party that evening. Pretty soon the model has the two
of them serving as her sex toys. (Rating: 7)
"Mom" by Deirdre. The girl's friend talks her into her first
masturbation experience to the tune of some Playgirl pictures in the
friend's mother's bedroom. The mother returns home unexpectedly,
catches them, and sends her daughter to her room. When she finds out
that the girl has never masturbated, she decides she had better teach
her to do it right. Pretty soon the girls decide that it would be fun
to try to seduce each other's mothers. And that's only the start of
it! (Rating: 9)
"Month" by Deirdre. This is my new all-time favorite Deirdre story.
Remember the movie "Indecent Proposal"? Well, Deirdre ups the ante. A
supermodel is offered $10 million for a single month of unspecified
work. She figures the work must have something to do with sex, and so
says she's not interested. When the person persists in making the
offer, she tells her manager to call his bluff by making a counter-
offer of $50 million. To her amazement, her counter-offer is accepted.
The deal is this: she will be flown to an island at a secret location
and will stay there for a month, at the end of which she will be
returned safely and uninjured to where she started. If she cannot be
certified to be safe and uninjured, she will receive $200 million;
otherwise she keeps just the $50 million. What the hell? says the
supermodel, for that price I can do anything. And besides, what can
possibly go wrong? And so she accepts the offer. Can you resist a
story like that?
Deirdre is at her best in this story: an excellent setup and
unpredictable twists in the plot. However, since I carefully applied
Deirdre's Law (If something can go wrong, it will go wrong; and it will
involve what Senator Exon will consider to be a sexual perversion.), I
felt really good about being able to predict about 78% of what happened
by the time I was only 63% of the way through the story. (Rating: 10)
"Big" by Deirdre. The narrator of this story is a woman who is sorta
the queen of the hill in the office with regard to breast size. A new
woman joins the office staff, and suspicion arises that hers may be
bigger. They eventually do show and tell and hold regular worship
services. This story wasn't quite as plausible to me as most of
Deirdre's other stories. Maybe that's because I myself don't have the
problem faced by the narrator of this story - being envious of the size
of other women's tits; but some people do, I'm told. My problem lies
more in the area of comparing my husband's cock size to some of those I
read about on this newsgroup! (Rating: 6)
"Dominatrix Found in Amber" by PleaseCain. I would do this story an
injustice by trying to summarize it. I can best describe it as a
surrealistic description of implied sexuality. It is well written but
confusing - but the confusion is intentional. It's really pretty
interesting. (Rating: 9)
"Jeep" by FESSELN1 (FESSELN1@aol.com). A man and a woman take a jeep
to a secluded spot in the Rocky Mountains near a ghost town, where they
frolic and make romantic love. This is a nice, romantic story.
(Rating: 9)
"Party Girl" by Javahead (an217242@anon.penet.fi). "Down boy! Public
party first, private party later." Several lines earlier in his
disclaimer the author stated "... even as a fantasy, I found it at
least as disturbing as arousing.... if it doesn't disturb you, I didn't
get it right." So I was approaching this story with a certain degree
of trepidation. Thresholds of disturbance vary, and this wasn't the
alt.sex.altar.boys newsgroup that I was reading.
When I finished the story I was initially disturbed that I wasn't
disturbed. Had I become jaded by reviewing 500 stories over the past
sinx months? What was so disturbing about this story? After all, it
wasn't about the relatives turning the body of the 9-year-old virgin
over to ravenously horny wolves after fucking her to death anally
during a sacrificial orgy behind the altar in the Sistine Chapel on
Easter Sunday. Actually, this story isn't shocking - just disturbing.
What's disturbing about it is that it's actually so plausible.
Everything - and I mean everything - that happens in this story really
could happen to perfectly sane and sensible people. (Rating: 10)
"May You Live In Interesting Times..." by The StogieMan
(an366179@anon.penet.fi). The author claims that the title of this
story is an ancient Chinese curse. If that can be verified, the people
over on alt.quotations would like to know more about the original
source. The tale is a cigar fetish story. A recurring theme is the
exchange of the "smoking kiss," which consists of blowing smoke into
the partner's lungs while French kissing. Since I refuse to even kiss
a man who has been smoking within the last 24 hours, you can easily
imagine that this fetish does not appeal to me. The picture of a naked
Russian girl with a cigar stashed in the side of her mouth preparing to
make love to an American guy just doesn't move me. This is not really
a story in itself; as near as I can figure it's the first chapter in a
series of episodes in which the protagonist will discover the meaning
of life. This may be really hot stuff for cigar fetish people who
enjoy transliterated Russian phrases, but that's a highly specialized
audience that does not include me. (Rating: 4)
"Romeo" by Tybalt (m0sk@jupiter.sun.csd.unb.ca). I found this story in
rec.arts.erotica, which appears to be coming back to life. That
newsgroup screens its stories, and I had hoped that this would mean
they would be of higher quality, but I have had no luck there. The
best thing that can be said of that newsgroup is that it is free of
silly "Me too" and "Wannafuck" messages and advertisements. This story
appears to be the first chapter of a longer story about a woman who has
a jerk for a boyfriend and some sort of mysterious lover who looks
after her. It is not at all clear whether this lover is real or
imaginary; and the presentation is so confusing that it's not likely
I'll ever read any further to find out. (Rating: 3)
"Singapore Girl" by Friar Dave. The guy meets and becomes enamored
with a beautiful and successful businesswoman from Singapore whose name
is June. They help each other carry out some of their mutual sex
fantasies. He also has another beautiful lover named Annie, whose
greatest virtue besides her beauty and intelligence is her spontaneity
and freedom from inhibitions. The guy quickly discovers that June has
a kinky streak; to his astonishment she takes special delight in being
fisted. Her ultimate request is for him to tie her up and do what he
likes to her until she literally passes out from the sexual pleasure.
The guy manages to satisfy her needs; as near as I can figure she came
in continuous orgasms for about three and a half hours. Although
originally she disliked giving head, by the end of the story she is
proficient at it.
This is a good story, and it's a lot hotter than my factual summary
indicates. However, it's not a perfect story; there are too many loose
ends. For example, why make such a big thing out of her bias against
lesbians if that bias plays no part in the story? Why introduce the
other women, if they play no important part in the story? I suspect
that the author had planned a threesome but lost interest. The story
is hot and enjoyable, but it's not Friar Dave's best work. It's still
good, mind you - just not his best work. (Rating: 8)
"Rest Room Reaction" by Rajah Dodger (an179705@anon.penet.fi). A man
is heading for the men's room when he hears amorous sounds coming from
the ladies' restroom. He peeks in and concludes that a woman is
masturbating in one of the stalls, and so he climbs to a place of
concealment from another stall and watches her finger the fun hole.
But wait! Bad news: he's busted! He feels a hand grab his foot. Good
news: the hand belongs to a woman who decides to turn him *on* instead
of turning him *in*. In other words, she decides to hold his sausage
hostage from her unseen location behind him. I have reservations about
this story. Pedophiles, sadists, and rapists I can handle; but when
people start writing stories about men sneaking into the ladies'
restroom, that's going a bit far! This is a short but excellent story.
(Rating: 10)
"Bob's Massage" by Rajah Dodger (an179705@anon.penet.fi). Bob is
suffering from pain in his back, and a friend recommends a massage.
The message makes him feel even better than he expected, as the
masseuse shows considerable ingenuity in bringing him to sexual
climaxes. You can read the story to find the extremely interesting
details. I have a friend who is a physical therapist and gives
massages at a health club. She gets really pissed when people make
snide remarks about her occupation; so I should point out that in the
real world the experience described in this story is unlikely to
happen. In fact, it probably actually happens less often than students
are molested by horny English teachers. Wives and girlfriends can
safely assume that when a guy goes to a physical therapist, he will
receive physical - not sexual - therapy. On the other hand, what
happens in this story is a really great fantasy! In addition, readers
should note that what this therapist does is perfectly legal among
consenting adults in the privacy of their own bedrooms. In fact, I
know of one bedroom where someone may experience something very close
to this shortly after I finish writing this review. (Rating: 10)
"Cocktail Table" by Sue. Sue accepts an invitation to a party from
some graduate students who admire her literary work. After the initial
fuss over her arrival, everyone sits around in a quiet circle with
their hands on their laps while Sue reads "Slippery When Wet" to the
group. Everyone gets turned on by the splendid reading, and the
spokesman for the group suggests that Sue may want to leave before the
ensuing orgy begins. Sue chooses to stay. Actually, Sue tells it
better; so read the story.
I shall now respond to the one unanswered question in Sue's story: the
plural of "clitoris" is "clitorises". Interestingly enough, my
spellcheck recognized this plural, even though it failed to recognize
"anally," "Sistine," "dominatrix," and "supermodel." I verified this
plural in my unabridged dictionary, where the word is found right after
"cliticize" (the meaning of which may surprise you) and on the same
page with a picture of a cloister. Talk about a screwed up value
system! The dictionary defines clit, clitoris, and cliticize (and 101
pages later gives three definitions for cunt, which happen to come
right before Mario Cuomo - now there's a coincidence for you ), but it
gives a picture of a cloister instead of a clitoris! I mean, how many
readers in all of history have looked at the definition of a cloister
and said, "Damn! I wish I had a picture to clear this up for me!"
Sorry about the digression; but Sue did raise the original question in
her story.
This was a very enjoyable story. I have only one problem with it, and
that problem is akin to the play within a play theme that often occurs
in Shakespeare. When Sue has six guys shoot their jism all over her
body (never mind the cunt juices that are flowing like milk and honey)
- when she gets her pastry frosted by six guys at once, whose record is
she breaking? (Not mine, certainly!) She compares it to the four guys
whose snorkels she cleared in "Slippery When Wet," but that's a work of
fiction, and is recognized as such even in the present work of fiction.
Sue herself is actually a most demure person who probably isn't even
named Sue and almost certainly has not participated in Onan's Olympics
with more than two male partners at the same time. So what we have
here is a fiction within a fiction and how do we know that even that is
not fiction? In other words, that that is not is not that that is. (I
was tempted to replace "in other words" with "that is" in the preceding
sentence, but then the thought would have become confusing.)
Sorry. Even though I am a most cunning linguist I just never had a
chance to say that last sentence in a meaningul context before. If
you're ever in danger of premature orgasm, try repeating and
understanding that sentence, and it will probably keep you from coming
at least until your partner catches up with you. (Rating: 10)