Celestial Reviews 40 - Nov 25, 1995
Note: There are two things that excite me in my role as a reviewer of
stories. (OK. So there are more than two things that excite me; but I
only want to talk about these two right now. One is when I notice a
good story by an author whom I know and respect. I think just noticing
the name can be considered a part of foreplay for me. The other is
finding a good story from a new author. This can be either a veteran
author whom I have not noticed before or a person who shyly sends me a
first effort with a hesitant note asking me to be merciful. This week
we run the sexual gamut, from two of my favorite veterans to a new
writer whom I have not previously reviewed. {Special note to metaphor
lovers: running the gamut is different from running the gauntlet. You
can look it up. In either case, it is interesting to speculate what
either would involve when preceded by the word "sexual."}
Second Note: COMING TO A SCREEN NEAR YOU!!! It is with trembling
fingers that I type the message that Celeste (moi, myself) is ending
her long silence and is actually preparing to post her first story in
over a year. Following my own advice, however, I have first sent the
story to two colleagues to review it and offer suggestions. Since
these two are both world renowned experts on sexual fantasies, I can
only imagine how long it will take for them to tear themselves away
from their more mundane orgasms and read and react to my story.
Actually, in the time since I wrote the previous sentence, they have
already responded with good suggestions. I am now following the part
of my own advice that says to wait for three days and reread the story
carefully myself before I post it. So watch for forthcoming posting of
VIRTUOUS REALITY - and bring a date. You won't want to be alone when
you read this story in panavision and with dolby sound enhancement.
It's kinda nice to control the advertising!
- Celeste
"Friend" by Deirdre (ff attraction) 5
"Games" by Deirdre (whipping & sex slavery) 9
"Gathering" by Deirdre (bondage & sex slavery) 8.5
*"Here Cums Santa" (celebrity sex) 10
*"Slippery When Wet" (hot sex in the jacuzzi) 10
*"Crime of Love" by Boswell (violent rape) 5
"A Midsummer Night's Dream - Some Additional Scenes" by
Ed Stauff (poetic parody) 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has been
recently reposted).
"Friend" by Deirdre. A woman finds it to be stimulating when her
girlfriend rubs lotion on her at the beach. This is one of those
interesting snippets that just doesn't go anywhere. (Rating: 5)
"Games" by Deirdre. Cindy and Debbie work together, and Cindy admits
to her friend that she functions as a sex slave to her boyfriend. Then
one day the boyfriend lends Cindy to Debbie to be her slave. Debbie is
at first repulsed by the idea and then interested. In recent reviews
of Deirdre's stories I have boasted about predicting the endings. I
wasn't even close on this one, nor do I intend to tell you more about
it.
Let me make a technical criticism. Deirdre begins this story in the
present tense: "Cindy and I are teachers at the same school. We car-
pool because we live only a couple of miles from each other and the
school where we teach is a 40 minute drive away. We have been good
friends for years and often shop together as well as go to a movie or
have a drink together after work. Cindy had been going with a new guy
for just a couple of weeks...." From here on she continues in the past
tense, until the very end of the story, when she reverts to the present
tense. At that point the facts stated in the sentences that I cited
previously are no longer true. It is my opinion that the introductory
sentences should have gone in the past tense. "Cindy and I *were*
teachers at the same school.... (etc)." If the author is telling the
story in the present tense, that which is stated as true at the
beginning of the story should also be true at the end - unless, of
course, the author relates a continuous series of events that generate
change as the story progresses.
Let me put it another way. The author is talking (as Debbie) in the
present tense at the beginning of the story, and she says that Cindy
and she are friends. If you look at the logic of the story, which
becomes apparent only at the end, this degree of friendship and car-
pooling did not exist at the time that the initial statement was made.
The events of the story transpired before the story was written, and
therefore most of the information that I cited from the introductory
sentences was untrue. Am I making sense?
A large number of authors make this same mistake. I guess it's no big
thing, and most readers probably don't even notice the inconsistency.
However, Deirdre truly does write nearly perfect stories; and since she
doesn't accept e-mail, I have no other way to communicate with her in
order to stimulate her further toward perfection. Sorry about that.
This was a good story! (Rating: 9).
"Gathering" by Deirdre. As I recall, the Waltons have a Christmas or
Thanksgiving special called the Gathering. I can just imagine Deirdre
curled up by the fire with her family watching this wholesome show, and
somebody saying, "Deirdre, why don't you write a story like that?"
Actually, as you might expect, this story diverges somewhat from what
happened on Walton Mountain. Peg is the quiet, friendly sister who is
returning from out of town. Sandra is the bitchy grouch of a sister
who lives in town and visits more regularly. As soon as I had learned
this much, my guess was that Peg would turn Sandra into a sex slave by
the end of the story - thus rendering her quiet and useful at the same
time. Well, let me just say that I was close - but no cigar. Read it
and enjoy it! (Rating: 8.5)
*"Here Cums Santa Claus" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com). This story centers
around the visit of the lovely and vivacious Sue (who looks and acts a
lot like me, although she apparently has smaller breasts and nipples
that respond slightly more slowly than mine do to gentle caresses) to
the mall's Victoria's Secret shop at the end of a long day of Christmas
shopping. Two libidinous female employees invite her to join the
after-hours festivities, at which she will become the Christmas present
for the mall's Santa.
I guess I shouldn't spoil the suspense - but the supposed imposter is
the real Santa himself. (This is where Sue departs a little from
reality. Her Santa is not circumcised. He was the last time I made
love to him.) Sue has a lot of fun with the story, replacing the
typical descriptions of sexual activity with terms and metaphors
related to the Christmas season. I checked with my word processor's
"find" function, and the word "musky" doesn't appear even once; and the
only time "rod" occurs is in the middle of "strode," "produced," and
"prodigious" - the latter not in its usual context in a sex story!
Instead, the aroma emanating from his cock is "the delicate fragrance
of apple blossoms and almonds, with maybe a hint of balsam fir."
Santa's rotund cock is deliciously sweet and fruity. And Santa's sweet
candy cane drives deeply into Sue's fiery open hearth. The only image
I found to limp a little was Santa's offer to let Sue ride his North
Pole.
Of course, like any depraved a.s.s. writer, Sue skirts the moral issue:
what about poor Mrs. Claus, waiting chastely at home at the North Pole
with all those tiny but horny little elves? Nevertheless, this story
managed to get the vision of Santa's "sugar plum" dancing in my head.
This story definitely put me into the spirit of things, even on a hot
August day when I originally read it. You'll have to read the story to
find out what Santa said as he rose out of sight. (Rating: 10)
*"Slippery When Wet" by Sue (SueNH@aol.com). I was going to read this
story late at night and write the review right away, but after a story
like that I have to take a break and visit my husband. He's going to
wake up with one hot mouth around his cock! This was a truly erotic
story. I can't do it justice by trying to summarize it - It's about a
girl and a guy who get into the fitness center jacuzzi after closing
time. Read the story for the rest.
The only part that I didn't like at first was when they let the three
college kids join them in the jacuzzi. Actually, I liked that part
too; but except for that part, I'd be ecstatic for a chance to do
exactly what the two of them did. Sue has one of the best disclaimer's
of all the a.s.s. writers: "Reading and writing these stories should be
acts of fantasy, and I hope that you can keep your notions of real and
fantasy life separate in your mind. I know I can." And so can I!
(Rating 10)
*"Crime of Love" by Boswell. This story gives us a dramatic contrast
with the previous story. It's actually literate. I suppose some
people read this and find it sexually enticing; but my own main
reaction was fear and repulsion. I felt the hatred for women that the
rapist felt in this story, and I felt the fear that his victim felt. I
guess it should worry me that there are people who will think this guy
is really cool; but I really doubt that many men are going to develop a
new lifestyle as rapist simply because they read this story. Its a bit
like some of Poe's tales. I doubt that many people ripped the heart
out of old men after reading the Telltale Heart, but that sure was a
great story about a bizarre person. (Rating: 7)
"A Midsummer Night's Dream - Some Additional Scenes" by Ed Stauff.
This is really good stuff! (Pardon the weak pun on the author's name.)
What we have here are sexy lines that fit in almost perfectly with the
spirit and tempo of Shakespeare's play. Here are a few sample lines:
HER. Ye Gods, the size! However will it fit?
HEL. It has betimes. See, in it slides with ease.
O dearest dear Demetrius, you please
Me far beyond description.
DEM. Thou likewise.
and later:
HEL. In this our amorous play you may join
And yet not spend your precious virgin coin;
A hundred variations has the sport
Of love, we'll demonstrate a diff'rent sort.
I'll take in hand Demetrius' proud tool,
Still wet from bathing in my secret pool,
And guide it to another pair of lips
And from his fountain take lascivious sips.
Besides reading this for the pure, naughty enjoyment, there are many
other uses to which one can put this material. For example, when I was
in college I had a boorish snob of a classmate who really didn't know
Jack Shit about Shakespeare. It would have been easy (and fun) to
insert these lines into her text when it came time for her to read
aloud. The lines are so cleverly written that they look as genuinely
Shakespearean as anything Francis Bacon ever wrote!
I'm not going to spend more time writing about this poetry. It's
excellent; and if you enjoy Shakespeare, you'll enjoy this parody.
(Rating: 10)
TIP OF THE WEEK: In each issue of Celestial Reviews I present one of
the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, a work-in-progress which I have
posted on alt sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and
revise from time to time. My theory is that if all of these tips were
followed, about 95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories
would be eliminated. (The other 5% will eventually be covered in
Advanced Celestial Grammar.) I was going to name this part of the
column TIP OF THE {something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might
detract from the sober serious business at hand.
CASE OF PRONOUNS
Most people can recognize the case of pronouns; so I am going to just
skim over them quickly. For now I am going to assume that you can
recognize the case of a pronoun. (For example, I am assuming that you
know that "I" is the nominative, "my" is the possessive, and "me" is
the objective case.) What I'll say about the personal pronouns is also
true about other pronouns (for example, who, whose, whom).
I am also going to assume that you can handle these pronouns in really
easy sentences. For example, I assume that you already know this
sentence has two major mistakes:
Me would like to fuck she.
If you think the preceding sentence was correct, go ahead and have sex
with her; but do so without a lot of conversation. The sentence should
read:
I would like to fuck her. (or perhaps "She would like to fuck
me!")
Here is the rule that would solve almost all problems:
1. When you have a pronoun used in combination with another noun (as
in a compound subject or compound object), the case of the pronoun is
the same as it would be if it were used alone. For example, even
though most people would gag over saying "Me would like to fuck she,"
many otherwise intelligent people say this:
Bob and me would like to fuck her.
Actually, not many - just some; and usually not very intelligent either
- would put it that way. The correct sentence, of course, is this:
Bob and I would like to fuck her.
The rule is really extremely easy to apply. Just throw the other noun
(in this case Bob) out of the sentence, and use the pronoun (in this
case I) that you would use without the other noun. Or replace both
words with a plural pronoun (in this case "we") to make your decision,
and then change back to singular ("I") for your sentence. This rule
will absolutely always work - as long as you know how to use the
pronoun alone correctly.
For some reason, Americans think that "I" is more likely correct (or
perhaps more sophisticated) than "me," and so they tend to use "I" much
more often than they should. The classic mistake is "Between you and
I." If you simply replace "you and I" with a plural pronoun, you will
notice that "us" (rather than "we") is obviously appropriate.
Therefore, since "Between us" would be correct, so is "Between you and
me."
2. A few cases where the objective case should be employed pose
problems for pronouns. (These don't pose a problem for ordinary nouns
in English, because the nominative and objective case are identical.)
For example, a large number of writers have forgotten (or never
learned) that the subject of an infinitive is in the objective case.
For example, we would say
The Jorden sisters wanted me to fuck them one more time.
Almost nobody would use "I" instead of "me" in the preceding sentence
(unless, of course, the Jorden sisters made this usage a condition of
copulation). However, many writers and speakers would say
The Jorden sisters wanted Bill and I to fuck them one more time.
This is a mistake - grammatically, at least. If the ladies want "me"
to fuck them, then they also want "Bill and me" to romp with them.
This mistake (the grammatical construction, not the sexual quandary
with the Jorden sisters or Bill and me) occurs extremely often among
American football sportscasters and country western singers being
interviewed by Jay Leno. Watch for it.
I'm running short on time, and I want to get this posted today. If
this topic is of interest, I'll try to return to it some other time.