Celestial Reviews 33 - Nov 1, 1995 Note: Thank you for the birthday wishes. However, it is not even close to my birthday. The Celeste who has been posting stories about her birthday is not me. As many of you have probably discerned by now, I'm a Pisces; she's not. Second Note: I sincerely appreciate the e-mail I receive from readers. Please understand that I would like to respond individually and in detail to everyone, but my time limitations often prohibit this. I hope you will accept my column as my response to your communications. It seems to me that people are enjoying my writing, and that makes me feel good. - Celeste "Horny out of My Mind" by Frank McCoy (Sex & humor) 10 "Debt" by Deirdre (wild sex) 10 "Dip" by Deirdre (voyeurism and hot ff sex) 10 "Dive" by Deirdre (voyeurism) 9 "WERE" by ZeroNLN (Werewolves) No rating "The Directive" by The Spook (Adventure & Sex) No rating "The Chambermaid" by Delta (Sex on the rebound) 10 "Horny out of My Mind" by Frank McCoy (mccoyf@millcomm.com). About a week ago I received in my e-mail several stories from this author. Yesterday I received a follow-up message. In it the author apologized, saying that he realized that I didn't like stories like these but he hoped I would find time to read them anyway. So it was with some trepidation that I sat down 45 minutes ago with "Horny out of My Mind" on the computer screen. I was lucky the house was empty. My family would have thought I had gone crazy. Here I was in the late afternoon, laughing my head off in front of the computer! Was this author serious when he said he thought I wouldn't like stories like these? Maybe he was pulling my leg - or maybe I took his really serious story in the wrong way. As I understand it, this is a story about a young lady who gets knocked up by a friendly guy who's old enough to be her father but is really a stud and who requests his wife's permission before he has sex with his new friend. The girl gets hornier and hornier as the ensuing pregnancy progresses, and pretty soon she is screwing from sunrise to sunset and beyond. There's not much I can say about this story; the plot is summarized in the previous sentence, and superficially it sounds pretty lame. There's not even much detailed description of heavy sex activities - just clever summaries of what's happening. But I thoroughly enjoyed this story. (Rating: 10) "Debt" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi). I usually read one of Deirdre's stories, pause thoughtfully, and then write my review. This time I thought I'd try writing it while I read the story. Here goes. The doorbell rings and the guy answers the door. One of the two women whom he meets says, "We're here because Claire lost a bet and has to pay up." As soon as she says that, the other girl drops to her knees in front of the man, unzips his fly, and begins sucking his cock. This is an example of what the old literature texts used to call in medias res - starting the story with a plunge directly into the action. Anyway, after the blowjob the guy listens at his door and hears the two women going to the next apartment, which is inhabited by the fair Diane. Further eavesdropping reveals a major gambling problem: Claire also appears to be eating Diane out to pay a debt. Next our hero and Diane get invited to dinner with Claire and Shannon. Shortly after dessert is served, the other two women dive under the table; and one starts sucking the guy's cock, while the other is invisibly doing a job on Diane, who is seated at the opposite end of the table. At this point it is not clear whether the problem is compulsive gambling, an eating disorder, or simple nymphomania. As the story reaches its denouement, we discover that the other two women have made it their personal project (apparently as a result of an unspecified bet) to get the guy and Diane into the sack together and to become their servants, with the goal of enhancing the sexual happiness of the new couple. The guy seems to like all this but can't quite figure out what's going on - which is pretty much my own reaction to the story. Another weird but excellent tale from Deirdre! (Rating: 10) "Dip" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi). Deirdre has the ability to catch my interest at the very beginning of a story and to hold my attention right up to the abrupt ending. This story exemplifies that magical power. A woman finds herself physically attracted to her sister-in-law and goes shopping with her. Soon she finds herself swimming in the nude with her and then in a stranger's apartment making love to the sister-in-law and the other woman. (Rating: 10) "Dive" by Deirdre (an65862@anon.penet.fi). The author dedicates this story to all women who have been asked by their men if they would do it with another woman. In brief, two couples are fooling around by a swimming pool and start taking pictures of various pairs in positions of feigned intimacy. Emotions get hot, and the couples retire to private spots for sex. Even though the actual sex is not very explicit, the anticipation is quite hot. (Rating: 9) "WERE" by ZeroNLN (ZeroNLN@aol.com). This story is in a class with Milton's "Paradise Lost." By this I mean I haven't read it. The author was kind enough to send it to me, and I have sat down to read it several times; but I just can't get interested. It's not that the story is badly written; as far as I've read, the style seems to be clear and creative. I just cannot get excited about the subject matter. The story is quite long and it looks like its about a warrior queen with magical powers who is going to torture a werewolf in sexual ways. This is not something I would even remotely enjoy reading for an hour. It was the same with Milton. When "Paradise Lost" was assigned to our class, I dutifully tried to read it; and as near as I could figure it was a mishmash of religious myths that could not possibly have any relationship to reality. The main reason anybody cared about it, I thought, was because it was written by a nasty old blind man (who was lucky to be able to write anything) at a time when people actually believed that there really had been a war between good angels and bad angels that settled the fate of the world. I set "Paradise Lost" aside, traveled to the bookstore, purchased Cliff's Notes (or maybe it was the Monarch Study Guide), and proceeded to get an A on the exam. Unfortunately, neither Cliff, Monarch, Barron, nor anyone else has a study guide for WERE. Please note that I am *not* saying that this is a bad story. Many of my most esteemed colleagues disagree with me about Milton - especially those who take biblical mythology seriously. What I am saying is that I don't care about or understand occult topics like werewolves, vampires, and magic. (There are exceptions. Sometimes the story makes clear the ground rules so that outsiders like myself can enjoy the story without bothering to embrace the ideology in any detail. This was the case with Backrub's vampire story.) If I would try to review the story, I think it is almost certain that I would not enjoy it and would give it an improperly low rating because of my own personal feelings. I would rather spend my time reading something I am more likely to understand and enjoy. I think there is an audience for stories like this - perhaps a very large audience; and I hope someone else who has read WERE will be kind enough to write to the author and discuss it with him/her. This author has obviously devoted considerable time and effort to this project and deserves feedback from people who have profited from this activity. (No rating) HOT TIP: "The Directive" by The Spook (Adventure & Sex). I am trying to abstain from rating stories before they are completed. This is because I have been burned by stories that start out good but either drag on forever or stop abruptly when the author loses interest. Nevertheless, I feel obligated to call this serial story to your attention. (At the present time the author has posted four chapters.) The combination of action and romance reminds me of Ian Fleming or Ken Follet - with more explicit descriptions of sexual activity. This author also wrote "The Final Mission," which received a rating of 10. There are several authors who write long stories (including The Spook, Walter Slaven, and Delta) that I watch for and download each chapter as their new stories appear. If I don't have time to read the stories, I set them aside for a day when the weather is nasty and I need something to do. If I were you, I'd start collecting "The Directive." (No rating yet.) "The Chambermaid" by Delta (an248969@anon.penet.fi). I am familiar with Delta primarily as the author of some of my favorite *long* stories. My all-time favorite is "Strip Chess" - because of that story I still cannot concentrate properly on strategy during a chess game. This is a much shorter story - the kind of thing that Ann Douglas or Sue do so effectively. I was impressed that Delta could write so well in this different format. The story is about a woman who has recently broken up with her lover. A major problem in her life, she feels, is that she is too fastidious and predictable. She is staying in a motel, and she mistakenly puts the "Clean room" instead of the "Do not disturb" sign on the door knob while she takes a shower. When she comes out of the shower and is surprised to find the chambermaid (a guy) in her room, she impulsively decides to be a lot less predictable. You'll have to read the story to find out what this means. I have a personal insight into how this story was written that makes it even more impressive to me. When Delta sent me this story, she told me that she had written a message to a.s.s., but it was obvious to her that the message really belonged on a.s.s.d. However, she knew that if she posted it with the latter newsgroup, very few people in her target audience would see it. So she solved the problem by immediately writing this entire story, and then she appended the message to the story - and she could now legitimately post the combination on a.s.s., since it was a story and her message was part of the disclaimer! Actually, this is not a new ruse. You possibly know that there is some dispute over the authorship of Shakespeare's plays. As I understand it, the real story is that those plays were written by a woman who was in love with her landlady, at a time when such things were viewed askance (women writing plays, that is). Anyway, whenever she sent in her rent check, she enclosed another scene or act (depending on her level of passion at the time) or a sonnet (if she was really hot). This is only one hypothesis, but I think it makes a lot more sense than the Francis Bacon theory; and it also explains why some of the passages make so little sense. From one perspective, Delta's effort pales in comparison - "Shakespeare" also put her plays into iambic pentameter and her sonnets sort of rhymed sometimes. (Rating: 10) TIP OF THE WEEK: In each issue of Celestial Reviews I present one of the guidelines from Celestial Grammar, which I have posted on alt sex.stories.d. and which I'll continue to develop and revise from time to time. My theory is that if all of these tips were followed, about 95% of the really distracting errors in a.s.s. stories would be eliminated. (The other 5% will eventually be covered in Advanced Celestial Grammar.) I was going to name this part of the column TIP OF THE {something sexual}, but I thought the innuendo might detract from the sober serious business at hand. Here is this week's Tip: LIE/LAY. LIE means to recline. (It is an intransitive verb - it cannot take a direct object.) Its past tense is LAY, and its perfect tense is LAIN. Of course, a serious source of confusion is that LAY (in addition to being a word in its own right - discussed later) is also the past tense of LIE. LIE also means to state a falsehood. This is a completely different word that has a separate dictionary entry. Its past tense is LIED and its perfect tense is HAS LIED. (This meaning is easily understood and usually causes no confusion. Its main relevance with regard to sex is its poignant use in country western songs: "She was sound asleep in our double bed/And I let her lie.") LAY means to put something (or someone) down. (It is a transitive verb.) The past tense is LAID. The perfect tense is HAS LAID. The three most common problems with LIE/LAY are: (1) using LIE when you mean LAY (and vice versa), (2) Using LAID (instead of LAY) as a past tense of LIE, and (3) using LAID (instead of LAIN) as the perfect tense of LIE. INCORRECT: We continued to lay in bed after our orgasms. CORRECT: We continued to lie in bed after our orgasms. INCORRECT: I had been watching her lay in bed for nearly an hour before she woke up. CORRECT: I had been watching her lie in bed for nearly an hour before she woke up. INCORRECT: She told me to lie the dildo on the night stand. CORRECT: She told me to lay the dildo on the night stand. INCORRECT: After lying the dildo on the night stand, I fucked her brains out. CORRECT: After laying the dildo on the night stand, I fucked her brains out. CORRECT: After laying her in the hay loft, I went inside and laid her sister too. (This is grammatically correct, but it may constitute a social faux pas.) INCORRECT: I should have lain the key to the handcuffs out of her reach before I left the room. CORRECT: I should have laid the key to the handcuffs out of her reach before I left the room. (See Dear Grammar Goddess for more!)